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Live as you'd like. It's hard to know what's right. Pray if you want, but try to love the ones who don't.


2020 ∷ August , July , June , May , April , March

11th of August, 2020

6:50 p.m.: Mimiyku says, "Hi!" I made a Reddit account. Well, I had it since January, but I haven't posted anything. I've just been using it to save cool ideas for Minecraft projects and vegan activism resources. But I guess I'll try using it more, and so I'll share it here for anyone that wants to stalk me. I only plan on being active in vegan subreddits, Minecraft subreddits, body modification subreddits, and nail subreddits (because I love nail art). Maybe some cute animal subreddits because I'm a grandpa. Feel free to DM me on there if you want, I don't bite. This is my profile. Have fun if you decide to stalk me.

Al and Sh are leaving tomorrow. I'm going to stay up all night to make sure I wake up early enough to go foraging with Al before it gets too hot.

4:33 p.m.: WHAT THE HECK!!! I don't know if my schizophrenia is getting bad again and that's is making me take everything as an attack and everyone's out to get me, but!!! THREE MORE TIMES TODAY SHE'S INSULTED ME BASED ON THE THING I ALMOST DIED FROM. And adain, reminding them I'm vegan, literally right after, "Want this non-vegan food? Want this milk? Want this cheese? Want this meat?" No i DON'T CAN YOU NOT RESPECT ME??? I literally was with you when I went out and bought vegan food!!! Shut up!! YOu know by now I'm vegan you can't forget right after I tell you, you're purposely making fun of me! SO I konw now you purposelymislead me into eating those pancakes yesterday!! DO you not understand how disgusting it is to trick someone into eating things they're passionately against for ETHICAL REASONS? WHEN IT LITERALLY MAKES THEM CRY AND WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES??? YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MAKING ME SO UPSET. AND STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WHAT I ALMOST DIED FROM!!! IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Fuck it. Maybe it is my schizophrenia getting bad again. I asked them about that parade of children outside the house I saw that night yesterday morning and they said they never saw or heard it. And they were awake. So that had to be a hallucination. And I'm having more blackouts lately. And I think (know) they put cameras up to watch me and when I leave home they come search through my room trying to see if I have anything they can use against me, looking for drugs, looking for a diary, looking for my blades. If if it's schizophrenia, and it gets worse, I will be hospitalized. So if I disappear for a week or two that's why. IF I'm gone for longer than that I'm probably dead. I'm usually not in psych ward for longer than 2 weeks at the most.

10th of August, 2020

9:21 p.m.: Bunny was on my bed while I was upstairs eating my bedtime snack. She wasn't on the bed when I got back downstairs, she was acting all innocent on the boxspring. You know how I know she was on my bed? Because there was a pile of probably 100 pellets of bunny poop sitting in the middle of my bed that weren't there five minutes ago when I went upstairs. I swear to God. She runs and acts innocent when she hears me coming down the stairs. Little skunk, I love her. Always trying to make me mad but it never works because I can't be mad at a bunny! She is littertrained by the way, she just tries to make me angry by pooping and peeing on my bed. Anyone that says bunnies don't have personalities are lying. Bunny has a very sassy personality. She's grumpy, too. And she's an attention whore. Love her, though, she can be as annoying as she wants and that won't change. She's currently laying down.

Um, I have upsetting news (for me, at least). They made pancakes for dinner. They didn't tell me beforehand and didn't give me an option to have something else, and I was really worried at first because pancakes usually aren't vegan. But I remembered I talked to Al this morning about how I went from vegetarian to vegan and don't eat eggs and dairy anymore, so I thought she made a vegan recipe when she said she tried a new healthy recipe that used oats. So I happily ate one. I found the magazine she got the recipe from just now and it wasn't vegan. I'm actually so fucking upset right now. I don't know if she purposely didn't tell me or if she forgot. Either way, I feel like shit and I want to go force myself to vomit because I DO NOT want animal products in my body. I do not want raped cow milk in my body. I need it out. I feel dirty for consuming animal products. I feel like a monster. I know I'm not because I believed they were vegan pancakes, but oh my God... I cannot describe the guilt and disgust I feel right now. I don't really know how to cope with it. I'm just so upset. I feel like they purposely didn't tell me and mislead me by bringing up that it was a recipe they haven't tried before using oats. THEY MADE ME THINK THEY WERE VEGAN OAT PANCAKES. AND THEY WEREN'T. THEY WERE FUCKING BUTTERMILK PANCAKES THAT REQUIRED BUTTERMILK AND EGGS. I actually want to die right now. That's not fucking cool what they did. I hope that it was not intentional and they just forgot, but I really fucking doubt it. They never brought up any single other ingredient other than oats. They kept mentioning oats the entire time, like they were trying to make me think it was just oats. I don't know. Maybe I should've asked if it was vegan, but I really thought they were for the reasons listed above. I just... ugh. I'm not so much angry at them as I am at myself. Even though it is technically their fault for misleading me after I literally told them I'm vegan not vegetarian anymore and not telling me what we were having for dinner beforehand and refusing to let me eat anything else. Making me think it was OK and they knew i'd be OK with it because it was vegan. Christ. I know probably every vegan has a story like this, but I don't know any other vegans personally to vent to, so I just feel like a shitty vegan now that's all fake and doesn't actually care about animals. Even though I know that's not true because if I didn't care abou t the animals I wouldn't be so distraught over this. Ugh. Whatever. I'll feel better soon and just not... eat anything ever again without knowing every single exact ingreident they put in the food when they make something here. 'Cause there's not much I can do about it now. I ate it. Now there's chicken periods and raped cow milk in my stomach and all I want to do is vomit it up. Fuck. Whatever, again. I need to go do something to distract myself before I go slit my throat or something with how upset I am.

6:51 p.m.: It's not 6:58 p.m., not 6:51 p.m. I was putting the comforter to wash because Ms. Bunny peed on it last night, apparently. Sigh. Can't be mad, though, never can be mad at her. She's too cute! I also pet Olive some. She likes me. I've been wearing the nightgown since I got home. It's so comfy... I'm just going to wear it with my pants in public and nobody will ever know it's a nightgown. I'll just say it's the new style, wearing shirts that go down to your mid-calf. (Yes, I know that's called a dress.) There was only one size, large, so it's super big on me, but that's fine because it makes it comfier! Al said I looked cute in it when she saw me with it on. And yes, she's right! I'm cute and tiny in this! Although, I'm tiny even when I'm not wearing this. This is so cozy, I want to sleep. I never want to take it off, too! I haven't been feeling the best physically today. Not because I caught COVID-19 while I was out, no, it's just dehydration again. I can't be bothered to fix it. So... I'll just suffer and complain about it. I'm also going to start using my asceticism log again. If you stumble upon it, ignore it. Or read it. I don't really care if someone finds it, that's whyit's on Neocities, but it's not linked anywhere because it's not good for anyone's mental health to read it. So, just be careful if you find it. And none of it will makke any sense either since it'll just be random numbers most of the time unless my plan changes on how to format it.

I made a vanilla Minecraft world. Only Optifine on it. The reason being is that Forge stopped working. I tried using Forge and Optifine at the same time, followed two different tutorials and it didn't work. Just made it so that whenever I try to launch Minecraft with the Forge profile, it crashes every time I try to load up my worlds. If anyone knows how to fix that, I'd be grateful if you could help me out. I'm not good with this kind of stuff. I'm not computer-savvy. I'm a grandpa. Anyway, I built a real nice house in a village. I'm going to transform the whole village to be like my house! The village is super pretty already, but it cna be so much prettier! And I built the house without a tutorial, so I'm super proud! The first house I built that I'm proud of making (without a tutorial being used)! PROGRESS!! I'll post a picture later!

5:25 p.m.: Penises are beautiful and aesthetically pleasing and no one can convince me otherwise. I love dick. But you know what I love more than dick? Men's hearts and souls. GOSH, those are 1000x more beautiful. I love men so much I wanna cry tears of joy ;-; Every time I go out in public, I see sad men and all I want to do is hug them and make them smile because it hurts me to see them sad. I want a man I can make happy. I want a husband!!! I'd do anything for him, whatever he wants, I'll do! As long as it makes him go :) then I'm happy too! Happy men make me happy! He could even beat me if he wants and that'll make me happy! He could cut off both my legs and I'd be hppy! Happier than ever! He could even murder me if he wants! Just as long as I can mkae a man feel better. that's all I want in life. There's so much love for men in my heart and I want a man to share that with!!! I love men!!! Every time a man smiles, I lose my mind (in happiness). So precious ;-;

4:46 p.m.: Oh, I got off videochat with Mother. Charlie, one of the kittens she's fostering sucks on his own nipple. And another kitten she's fostering, Mikey, sucks on people's ears... Like, I'm not kidding. I actually saw it on the videochat, she's been telling me about him doing that for a while. He just climbs on to your shoulder and sucks on your ear while kneading on your neck. Weird little kittens, super cute, though. The kittens over there look different from the ones over here. They're skinnier and longer, with longer tails and ears and snout. It's cool to see the minor variations in evolution of cats based on what area they live in. She shared a video of a bunch of coatimundis outside a gas station door. They were clawing at the glass door. It was super cute!!! They all looked super friendly and like they wanted attention. I think it's so cool, it makes me so happy to see things like that. I wish the world was more like that. I wish there was more friendly co-existing with animals instead of mass breeding, mass abusing, and mass killing them and their habitats. I wish humans would just realize they're animals too and nonhuman animals are just like us and drop speciesism and view it the same as other types of prejudice and abuse. The world could be a much gentler place without humans. But there are good humans out there that give me hope, all the vegans out there. In general, I just wish society would drop the whole idea that "being rude is cool". That being confident/loving yourself means being rude to others. You know what's cool? You know what's punk as hell? Treating people, including nonhuman animals, with respect unless they prove they shouldn't be given respect. That's what's cool. As Lil Darkie said, "He walks around like he's got more clout than everyone. How do you do that? Be the normal and friendly one."

3:50 p.m.: Mimikyu says, "Hi!" When people think of protuding veins on arms and hands, they usually think muscle. But in my case, it's 0% muscle, 100% dehydration. I think that's super sexy of me to look so dead. I got some cute edgy clothing because I'm a stereotypical gay. I got a cute Jack Skellington.. nigthgown, I think it is? Or it's just a really long shirt, I don't know. But I don't care if it's actually a nightgown because no one can stop me from wearing it and looking cute as fuck. I also got another patch for my DIY hoodie thing I've been working on for the past few months, and another hoodie. This hoodie has a coffin on it and there's like lace shoelace()-like strings on the sleeves that hang down a bit and it's SO CUTe I'm going to be stimming with those strings 24/7. I might post pictures later. Anyway, I'm happy! I also got a Monster Ultra! The Cherry one, yum yum. Didn't get any ear piercings because they didn't have my size (all of them were too small, sigh). Most people don't get their ears pierced as large as mine unless they're stretching, and I'm not stretching my ears. I love them, I think they look awesome, but I personally don't want them. I prefer just having a bunch of rings on my ears. Didn't get any Cds because I was looking for gothic rock albums specifically today and they had none. But happy anyway with the other stuff I got! Now I have no money left :D

1:10 p.m.: Going out today... Just to two stores, nothing much. I feel a bit guilty since only Aland I are going and I feel like she doesn't want to go. I might tell her forget it. I just want to get some body jewelrry for my piercings and maybe some Cds.

11:24 a.m.: Nervous... Al and Sh want to go to an ice cream place (Sh is vegetarian, not vegan) and I'm worreid they'll expect me to go which I'd have no problem with IF there were non-dairy options. But I don't think there are. I'm not like a lot of vegans who think buying vegan products from non-vegan companies makes you evil. I think vegans who think that are fucking disgusting and shit on anyone that isn't as wealthy as them. If you buy a vegan product from a non-vegan company, they are going to spend that money making more of the vegan products. And if more people buy vegan options than non-vegan options, they will eventually stop putting money into making non-vegan options. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Therefore, buying vegan products from non-vegan companies does help. BUT. I will say I'd still feel uncomfortable seeing everyone around me eat dairy as I think dairy is more evil than the meat industry. Dairy industry has prolonged suffering and the most propaganda. So, if I did go and they have a vegan option, I'd still feel uncomfortable and think, "They're selling milk for baby cows that were stolen after a beautiful innocent cow was raped and their female calves taken as a slave like their mother and the males immediatedly killed for veal or because they aren't worth aynthing to the farmers." I wouldn't care if I just went home or didn't go inside the building, but I'd probably have to. So, I just hope they won't drag me with them and I can stay home.

10:42 a.m.: Oh, on second thought, I think the last dream was related to veganism. Lie, the shooting could've been about hte mass slaughter of innocent animals and the fires could've been about climate change that animal agriculture rapidly accelerates. That makes a lot of sense, especially since I saved wild animals in that nightmare.

10:25 a.m.: I had two nightmares last night. Both were wack. The last one had a positive ending, though, I escaped.< The first one was about riding a... minecart? Through some disuting dysoptian village with some girl. We were trying to escape some baker who we just learnt cuts off people's dicks and then turns them into pastries and other stuff and I was like, "Uh, no, you aren't getting my dick to turn into a doughnut or baguette." And he was after the girl I was with for some reason, too. I believe she was my friend in the nightmare. I don't remember how it ended. But the next one was about a mass shooting. I escaped and the man got arrested. I think the first dream about pastry dicks was about being gay and I was just thinking about how everything reminded me of dicks because I really want some dick. I want a husband ;-; Oh, the second nightmare wasn't about just a mass shooting. The forest and the city over we were going to escape too caught fire. ran through the forest trying to get to thecity and I was crying over all the wild animals and then when I got o the city I was terrified (also I had some wild deer with me because I was trying to save them and they followed me because they trusted me). So I just sat here at the hill feeling hopeless and then firefighters extingushed the fire in the city and they aught the shooter so I managed to get to the city and be safe and the deers became my pets (of their own choice).

I probably should have wrote that in my Dream Journal, but whatever. I'll just copy and paste it later. Sorry about the typos, I'm too tired right now after just waking up to fix them. I'm going to go drink my tea now and then make my milkshake. I took my morning medications today but I forgot them yesterday.

9th of August, 2020

8:12 p.m.: ... Um. There's like a thousand children walking by the house. What the hell? There's not even that many kids in this area, there's only two, if I remember correctly. Where the hell did they come from and what are they doing? Am I hallucinating again? So weird. Anyway, I came here to write about my mood tonight: I miss my ex and I'm going to get so high I meet God and kick him in the dick for making my life so shitty. That's tonight's mood(s?). I checked and one of the stalkers is still following my Spotify account. I hate that you can't block on Spotify. So, they can see whenever I'm online and what I'm listening to. Of course they didn't unfollow me over a year ago now, they're a fucking creep. Now I have to keep Private Session on so they don't remember I exist and come try to find me and hurt me again. Ugh. Whatever. I don't want to ruin my high.

I'm so hot. Man, I'm thinking about how cool kaleidoscopes are... I want one again. I can just stare through them for hours. They're so cool. I want to learn how they work.

6:45 p.m.: I was coming here to write that I've been hallucinating very badly today, but I guess I wasn't... I kept seeing what I believed were my usual hallucinations of phantom spiders, but apparently, he was real. I just found him dead on the floor. I'm trying not to cry. I don't know how he died. I think I accidentally killd him. I think I might've squished him and he fell off me when I stood up. I'm really scared that maybe I purposely killed him and don't remember it. Maybe I blacked out and kileld him. I don't have any reason to believe that other than I'm starting to get more blackouts. It's very upsetting, though, I don't like killing spiders.

5:26 p.m.: Al said she's willing to go foraging with me. Apparently they have a bunch of blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries at their trailer. I'm jealous. There's something very peaceful about foraging. It's probably related to being vegan, honestly. I guess it makes me realize just how alike humans are with nonhuman animals, and that's really comforting. It's comforting beyond words to know that nonhuman animals are like us, and we are like them, even if we're a different species. Now that I think about it, it's probably related to my stoner spirituality as well. We're all connected, animals have souls, and we should respect them and cherish them. Peaceful co-existing, with animals and nature. Knowing these fruits and flowers want to be picked, as that's how they spread their seeds. Knowing you're helping the environment while also benefitting yourself. It's just really nice and wholesome. It's such a lovely hobby, I recommend everyone to take up foraging as a hobby. Helps your mental health, I feel. We all feel so disconnected from nature, from wildlife, even though we depend on it. We don't forage for our food anymore, we buy it from the stores. Which, don't get me wrong, that's great to have food readibly available whenever you need it, but it kind of numbs you to life if that's all how you source your food. It numbs you to nature and the environment. Going out and foraging reconnects you back with nature and makes you care about important things such as climate change, which we really need more people to care about. I don't mean fake caring, where you read a news story and say you care, but continue on all your destructive habits. Like eating animal products/supporting animal agriculture. Supporting deforestation and palm oil. Many more things like that. I think foraging makes you genuinely start to care and gain passion for the environment, and then you actually take steps to help the Earth instead of just saying you care and virtue signalling.

Ending this off by saying if you try foraging, be careful. Only start with easily-identifiable fruits and plants that have no toxic look-a-likes. Don't try out mushrooms unless you're experienced. And practice sustainable foraging! Remember you're not the only one eating these wild plants. The wildlife depends on them, too. Always leave some for the animals, pick up litter, cover holes you make when digging for roots, and disperse seeds to grow more for next year by tossing berries and the like. Oh, and don't forage anywhere where people spray pesticides or herbicides! That's how you get real sick! Try foraging in your yard, you'd be surprised how many things growing in your yard that are edible. Eat the weeds instead of killing them with herbicides! Eating them helps the environment!

4:37 p.m.: I'm still obsessed with the song 'Father Time' by Jake Hill. OH, I joined a Discord server today. I decided to join because it's really small, it's a server of a very small YouTube channel I like. He's a super nice guy. He plays horror games. I usually don't like Let's Play Youtubers, especially of the horror genre, but he's so calm and mature and plays very cool indie horror games I would've never found out about otherwise. Sadly, the fact he's mature and calm is probably why he's not big. People always want someone immature and loud and screams at everything and plays YouTuber Bait Games. Hey, I'm not bashing anyone for liking that, you do you, but I'm too old for that shit and it's just incredibly annoying to me. I wish there were more gaming channels like his. I found out about a really cool game called 'Mother' today. I'm probably going to play it myself later since it's pay-whatever-you-want. What if I just dropped $100 on it lol. I bet it'd make the creator's day. Too bad I don't have the money for that. I used up all my money on drugs, piercings, and stuffies. And Junji Ito pants! No, I won't shut up about the pants, they're so cool and I'm going to be so cool once I have them. How many people do you know with Junji Ito pants? Probably none! Just admit I'm cool for wearing Junji Ito's artwork all over my legs. Please. I just want to be cool and I need the validation ;-; (I'm joking, I'm fine)

4:32 p.m.: I think I figured it out? I added it to the homepage. If someone expects a response, sorry if it's late because I'll probably forget I have it. Oh, and it's titled Eulogy, in case you're confused. Just keeping up with the ghost stuff.

4:16 p.m.: Speaking of guestbooks, I should probably add one here. I'll browse around for one. I don't really know how they work, but if I manage to figure it out, I'll link it on the homepage. If someone's site isn't linked, I'll probably respond to it here. I won't respond to trolls, though, so don't think you can get any attention by calling me a "faggot" or "retard" or " go kill yourself" or whatever. Always keep in mind I'm near-impossible to troll because I've heard much worse than whatever you can come up with from the people I loved the most. But I can't stop you if you want to try wasting your time anyway, lol.

3:59 p.m.: I won't lie, there's some people on Neocities I'm... highly worried about. Like, they need some help before they hurt themselves. But it seems a lot of those people are unable to get help due to their environment. And you just feel kind of powerless. A lot of these people remind me of A. I'm not sure what it is about Neocities that attracts so many people with hard lives and mental illnesses. Maybe it's because it's not as public as most social media, so it feels safer to vent here. I know that's the case with me. It's still a horrible feeling, though, to read someone's thoughts who are clearly in need of help or someone to talk to, and not be able to do anything about it. Made worse when they remind me of A, because I feel like it's my obligation to prevent what happened to A from happening to anyone else. I know it's not my obligation rationally, but the guilt of what happened to A has fucked me up a lot. Sometimes I feel like just leaving a nice comment would help them a lot, but I feel like I'm the most-hated person on this site from everyone who's ever had the misfortune of checking my site out. Always feel like I'll just make shit worse like I did with A. I always just hope someone else leaves that nice comment instead of me, but nobody ever really does, and it's like... Well, shit. I'm not doing anything, and no one else is. So this person is probably going to spiral even further. I know no one else has an obligation to do that, but I always pray someone does because my fear of making things worse and also my habit of isolating myself prevents me from doing anything about it myself. I'd leave a guestbook comment where I could be anonymous/not have my stupid site attached, but none of them ever have guestbooks, it seems. I know everyone always says to not make everything your responsibility, but I think that's just cruel. If everyone thinks that, nobody is ever going to get help. What's wrong with being kind?

1:27 p.m.: I feel really bad physically. I know it's dehydration but I don't even feel well enough to drink water. I don't feel well enough to even sit up. I can barely even write here but I haven o energy to do anything else so I'm trying to distract my boredom by writing here.

I need something to talk about. AuGHOST day 9 is "well". I drew that scene where Samara climbs out of the well (but with some creative liberty because no one can stop me). I finished Day 4 but didn't do the others yet. I'm going to do Pokemon for day 5. Day 5 is watery, so I'm drawing Frillish. Ghost/water-type Pokemon. I guess I could also incorporate Day 6 (ornate) into Day 5 as Frillish is meant to resemble a Victorian prince/princess in attire. Just add more ornate elements to it and the background. Yes, that'll work out. that way I can catch up faster and finish Day 7 & 8 either later tonight or tomorrow.

1:17 p.m.: Support sharks!! As he said in the video, sharks have been here for much longer than humans and serve a much more important role in the ecosystem than humans ever have, so we owe it to them to protect and respect them!

10:09 a.m.: Mimikyu says, "Good morning!"" Al and Sh (and Olive!) are coming today. When I was out foraging, my sister noticed an aphid and asked me what it was. I said it was an aphid. She asked me if aphids are bad. I said, "No, no insects are bad. They don't know what they're doing. All they know is that they're thriving in this environment and they will naturally do what they have to do in order to live." I don't mean that if aphids come destroy your favourite indoor plant that you shouldn't get rid of them/kill them, just not to villianize them.

I woke up at 3 a.m. from a nightmare. I play some Stardew Valley before falling asleep again at 4 a.m. and I had another nightmare. There's a bunch of bunny poop on my bed because apparently she was on my bed a lot last night. For some reason, when she's on my bed and has to poop, she doesn't go to her litterbox. I think she tries to piss me off. Doesn't work, though. Because she's too cute and also bunny poops aren't that gross. They're literally just dry round pieces of hay. It's not like dog poop. The only bunny poop that's actually disgusting are cecotropes, but bunnies eat those to gain more nutrients, so you rarely see them. Bunnies poop a lot, by the way. It's their favourite thing to do, I guess.

I got the coolest pants ever, by the way... Junji Ito pants!!!! I'm so excited for them to get here!! I'll definitely be posting a picture of them when they get here. My furrybones (Stitches!) is coming sometime between August 17 - September 2. I get my snakebites when Mother gets home as long as the piercer is now doing facial piercings without a mask. I'm going to look SO COOL. I'm finally starting to look how Little Lucius always wanted to look. Snake bites have been the piercing I wanted the longest. They were actually going to be my first piercing ever, but I couldn't convince Mother as she thought they were gross, so I just got my septum as my first piercing instead. I think I'll start to be more confident in my appearance once I get the snakebites. There's still many more facial piercings planned, though! My bridge, vertical labret, right eyebrow, and double dermal anti-eyebrow (below the eye) on the left. I also plan on getting my tongue split, like a snake! Have I ever mentioned my nickname when I was younger was "Snake"? It was meant to be an insult. It was related to my skin condition, and later, when I learnt to speak, it was only fueled by the way I pronounce things. I am unable to properly pronounce 'S', I hiss like a snake and it sounds like my words are slurred because of that. It really hurt me, but then Mother told me to be happy to be called that because snakes are super cool. And she was right! Snake are super cool, one of my favourite animals, so I'm proud to be Snake Boy! further cementing my position as Snake Boy with my split tongue! Oh, and since the double anti-eyebrow dermal will eventually reject after a few months or years, I plan on getting silhouetted bats tattooed (like the ones on my arm) to hide the scars there. Yeah, Lucius will be getting face tattoos one day! Not ashamed! Art is still art, no matter where it is. And if I'm going to be a tattoo artist, having facial tattoos is the only job where that actually helps.

I'm going to go play Pokemon now. I'll write more later. Mimikyu says, "Bye!"

8th of August, 2020

9:44 p.m.: Someone is setting of f a bunch of fireworks. I think fireworks should be bannd. They damage the environment and cause pollution, they terrify domestic animals, , ckill wildlife and distrupt bird's nests and sense of direction which makes the babies in their nests die of starvation, hild labour is used in their production, and they harm disabled pople. Like me. I get scared by fireworks, I panic and hallucinate. There's no reason why they should be legal. I hate whoever is setting off fireworks because I'm freaking out right now. I'm keep hallucinating the forest on fire.

8:32 p.m.: Mimikyu says, "Hi!" I got back from outside. The flowers are pretty. There was a dead moth on a lily. He was probably getting nectar before he died naturally, as moths don't live very long. He was beautiful. I love moths a lot, I always have. They're gorgeous. I wish I was a moth. I wish I was beautiful like them and lived a gentle life hopping from flower to flower when the sun sets (they pollinate at night).

I'm sleepy. I'm not going to talk about what I wrote last night except for... even though I'm calmer now, what I said is true. I wasn't being delusional. Anyway. I ended up trying to sleep, but sobbed for an hour straight instead. I was crying over daddy issues. I think I've finally accepted I have them. I've always accepted I have mommy issues, but never daddy issues because I felt uncomfortable admitting that my father's lack of... fatherlyness actually bothered me. I don't know why. I'm glad I admitted I have them, but that's not really going to change anything. My daddy issues will always be here and any relationship I have will be impacted by them since I'm gay and I will naturally view them partly as a father figure. Which, like, no man wants... so it's best if I never get into a relationship ever again. Because there's not going to be a man who's okay with that, even if it's only a small part of how I view them. I still really want a husband and I know I always will want that and that I'll never be happy without one, but I don't want to be selfish. I'm not mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship and I never will be, I'll never even be healthy enough to have friendships. So I'll just keep isolating myself, that's what's best. I'm sick of having been called selfish all my life and I want people to finally understand that I'm not and I always put others before myself, even if sometimes I fuck that up and hurt someone accidentally. I'm isolating myself to stop myself from hurting anyone ever again. I'm going against all my natural instincts, to have love, to have friends, and paying the price mentally of isolation just so I don't hurt others. Is that not one of the most selfless things you can do?

5:14 p.m.: I called Mother and when I was talking about how she compared the ant bite to childbirth, she told me information about my birth I didn't know of. Apparently she didn't have meds for me, so I caused her a bunch of pain ;-; The reason she didn't take meds is because I was early/unexpected. That's also probably why I'm so fucked up in the head. And apparently I was a big baby at 10 pounds. You'd think I'd have grown up to be big, but I'm the exact opposite. A skinny midget. Interesting. I wonder if my early birth was related to my organ failure/coma when I was three. I wish I died when my organs shut down and I went into a coma. But no, I didn't. Just went into acoma for two weeks, doctors didn't find out why it happened, and now I'm 17 and still here. I am 100% convinced I cannot die. I am 100% convinced if someone came up right now and shot my spinal cord and severed it, I'd still live. Because I should've died like 500 times already, lol.

So, apparently I cna start the course whenever, but it has to be the first of a month. A bit disappointed because I want to start it ! RIGHT ! NOW ! but I have to wait until September 1st at the earliest. What can I say? I just like to learn. Oh, I finished Day 3 of AuGHOST. I'm working on Day 4 now. Day 4 is lure... What I'm doing is drawing Chandelure because his Pokedex entry as Lampent says, "It lurks in cities, pretending to be a lamp. Once it finds someone whose death is near, it will trail quietly after them." and as Chandelure, "In homes illuminated by Chandelure instead of lights, funerals were a constant occurrence or so it's said." So, that can be interpreted as him pretending to be a lamp in someone's home and stealing their soul. So, I'm drawing Chandelure beside someone's deathbed. And also Chandelure is my second favourite Pokemon!

2:46 p.m.: OH MY LORD. Mother said it hurt really bad, but not as bad as child birth. So, I guess being shot by a bullet in the neck is less painful than giving birth. That's metal. Police officers are pussies, confirmed. And mothers are stronger than any police officer will ever be, confirmed. Anyway, she showed me a video of a big cellar spider. He was shaking his web. Very cute.

2:21 p.m.: Mother got bit by a bullet ant. On her neck, too, yikes... I've heard about how painful they are, but I can't imagine. Apparently he dropped off a tree and onto her neck and bit her. I'd be terrified of ants for life if a bullet ant bit me. I'd think everyone ant was a bullet ant. At least she has an experience/story now that most people haven't, how many people get bit by a bullet ant? I don't know when the course starts. I'm excited for it. I want to do it now. This is good, I think. Since body modification is a special interest, I should finish this two-month course in like a week or two if I do my hyperfixation (Which I probably will). Autism superpower!!! I remember one person asked if I was a svant and I had a good laugh. I don't understand why people think autistic = savant. No, I'm not a savant. I just hyperfixate on the things I like, and I can't learn about anything I have no interest in. I'm a complete "low-functioning idiot" outside of my special interests. That's the price I pay, I have to give up all basic functioning and basic skills to be intelligent in a few niche areas. I don't really care, though. If I get to do something I love/is a special interest as my job, then I should be really happy and great at it.

Speaking of art, I'm currently doing AuGHOST. It's like Goretober. An art challenge, spooky-themed, for an entire month. I mean, I only draw "spooky" stuff and gore, but why not do the challenge? Forces me out of my comfort zone from the usual "spooky" stuff I draw by giving me specific niche prompts, which is what I really need to work on right now if I'm going to be a tattoo artist. I started late, so I did Day 1&2 in the same drawing. I'm going to do all the other days today to catch up. The 3rd is "confine." I have two ideas for it, one of them is vegan-related. I think I might do the vegan-related one. I need to get better at drawing animals, especially if I want to give people vegan tattoos, since lots of people will want... well, tattoos related to veganism. I want to get better at drawing Pokemon, too. That's something I've been working on lately. I'm definitely going to draw some Pokemon for this challenged later on.

12:32 p.m.: I'm OK now. First course is tattoo safety stuff, how to prevent infections and safety regulations, methods of sterilization, blood born pathogens, that stuff. Then I can move on to the more fun stuff.

7th of August, 2020

8:07 p.m.: I was right. As soon as I did it, I didn't feel tired. Funky. Glad that's sorted out now. Earlier, I told Mère about what I want to do in life. She started to cry. She didn't tell me why, but I'm assuming it was because she was thinking of Père. Thinking that Père got to see everyone else grow up except for me, and that I was the one there to lift up his corpse and watch him die. It broke my heart a bit to see her cry, but I know she's proud. I know Père is proud, too. I hope A is proud as well.

6:30 p.m.: Making more homemade granola to go with my almond yogurt c: YAY!!! I love granola, too bad store-bought ones always use honey, sigh. So we got to make our own. At least it's not too hard. Anyway. I had riced caulliflower and sweet potatoes for dinner. I realied why I'm still sto tired, it's because I haven't done my injection yet. Stupid Lucius! I'm supposed to do them at 1-2 p.m. no wonder I'm so tired, my body is like, "Where's the drug?"

5:21 p.m.: I was vegetarian before I was vegan,, you can see that in my older entries, I learnt about the truth of the animal products I was consuming a few months ago (dairy and eggs in May, stopped eating them, honey in June, stopped eating it). by the way. Anyway. Good news! No more honey, it's all out of my diet. Has been for a while now. Haven't consumed honey in weeks now, probably over a month And I never will again. I love bees too much to continue consuming honey after learning what happens to these innocent lovely bees. I wish I knew what happens to make honey before ;-; I feel guilty for having consumed it for so long (and so much of it). And I guess that makes me a complete vegan now! No more of that vegetarian bullshit! Full vegan and much happier!

3:19 p.m.: She's supportive!!! She said she's proud of me, too. Yay! So, what's happening is I'm going to be enrolled in an online school of tattooing, then I can already know a lot once I start my apprenticeship. I really want to be an apprentice under the piercer I went to last time (and will now always go to). He's so cool and friendly and I know we'd get along great.

3:00 p.m.: I told Mother. I also told her I'm still having suicidal thoughts, which I've never done before. Obviously, she knows I've had them in the apst with all my attempts and hospitaliations, but I've never said, "Hey, I'm till wanting to kill myself every day." She hasn't responded to that yet. But she responded to not having any energy when I told her, and said she'll make an appointment with my psychiatrist and also that I should start taking multivitamins. I'm eating a lot healthier since I've been here, more home-cooked foods and rarely proccessed junk from the store, but I am still starving ,myself (purposely), so... She's probably right. I don't plan on stopping starving myself, but I guess I should take vitamins anyway just to ease things up a bit. MAke life a bit more bearable physically when you feel the compulsive need to starve yourself and withold yourself from things you need to live (water,sleep, food) because you're delusional and think God is telling you to do that nad you don't deserve anything good. Once she reponds, I'm going to tell her what I want to do with my life. She knows I want to be tattoo artist, but I've never told her about how. I havent' doler her I want to be run on solar power and be a vegan tattoo artist and hold animal rights protests and be an animal rights activist. I hope she will be OK with it and not get upset. I'm sober, forgive the typos, I'm just not in the mood to fix anything and it's hard to type because Neocities editor slow and going back to edit things and even seeing what I'm typing takes like five minutes. It's exhausting so I'm just going to leave typos in from no w on.

2:53 p.m.: Didn't work... Still tired, still no energy, and now sad. I guess I'll tell Mother that my antidepressants are no longer working now.

11:53 a.m.: There's another weird mark/injury on my collarbone. It's like the one I mentioned a few weeks ago, but this time it's on the other collarbone. The other one was healed. There's some scratch marks on my back again, too. I haven't woke up to any scratch marks covering my back since I left home. I'm pretty sure it's just from nightmares, I think I do it as self-harm in my sleep to cope with my nightmares. I know I had a nightmare last night, a really bad one, as ... TMI, but I pissed myself. Sleep is Hell for me, if that wasn't obvious. Thankfully, I've stopped scratching my hands raw and bloody in my sleep. Life would be so much better if I didn't have to sleep, if I my body didn't require me to have nightmares nearly every night and do weird shirt in my sleep like self-harm and piss myself and sleepwalk and have hypnagogic hallucinations. No, I don't tell my psychiatrist abbout this, she doesn't need to kknow since there's nothing she can do to stop it. MEdications don't cure trauma. You get molested, you live with the trauma your entire life. It never gets easier and I don't feel like a "survivor." You either just kill yourself to stop the pain or drag yourself through every day of Hell and suffering. Most people at least have a reason to suffer through the pain, I don't really. Although, I'm trying to find something... my plans for the future, for Bunny, for all the animals I can help save if I'm alive. It's still hard, though. But I'll be fine. At least, that's what I tell myself, but that never seems to be true as each day just gets harder and harder to live through. Anyway. I'm still really tired. I want to sleep, but I can't. For reasons listed above. I have no plans for today. I feel like I have no energy but at the same time I'm excrutiatingly bored, so all I want to do is sleep, but again, I can't! I didn't take my antipsychotics last night. Or my sleeping pills/antidepressants (bedtime ones, not morning ones, I took those). I purposely didn't take them. I probably should've. I'll wait for the towels to finish washing/drying, then I'll take another super cold shower in hopes it'll wake me up, and then I'll play Minecraft or Stardew Valley or REmake. Probably all three of them, toggle between them like I usually do.

11:16 a.m.: New Ecosia video! c: Please watch it and use Ecosia!

10:32 a.m.: Mimikyu says, "Good morning!" I decided using the span class was too annoying, so I'll just write what he says with "Mimikyu says." He's excited to meet his new friend c: I haven't named him yet... Maybe Stitches? Because his costume is all stitched up, and I think that's a cute name! Yes, Stitches! His name will be Stitches! So excited for him to get here!!!

This morning, I'm freezing and tired. I'm so cold and I can't stop yawning ever 30 secconds. Bunny woke me up a few times by jumping on my bed again. She does that because she wants attention while I'm sleeping, usually in the early morning because that's when bunnies are most active. I always give her a big kiss and some rubs before putting her down on the floor, or letting her stay on my bed and falling right back asleep. Anyway. I should go make my morning tea now to wake me up a bit.

6th of August, 2020

10:23 p.m.: This man... so relatable. Only true Merbow fans would get it. All that hype, all that harsh noise wall, the logical reaction is to brush your teeth. If you don't feel that way listening to a Merzbow track, you're a fake fan. Sorry. I don't make the rules, God does.

9:10 p.m.: I was right! It tastes wonderful in vegetable soup. Hopefully it was the wrong plant and it was poisonous and I die in my sleep tonight! I'm probably not going to leep, though. I've got plans... And those plans are play Minecraft all night and get stoned and watch the sunset and night sky in my now-gorgeous Optifine-blessed Minecraft world.

8:35 p.m.: This video right here is a great summary of why I love Joey so much. He's such a sweet person with so much love for animals and he's such an inspiration to me. He's strong as hell, too. He went from a gang member that stabbed people while on meth to a sober, compassionate vegan and animal rights activist. His story is incredible. I love men that aren't afraid to show their emotions and openly love animals like he does. It's so heartwarming. Before you judge him for being too "harsh" with his activism, remember it's because of how much he cares about and loves animals. Also, his favourite animal are pigs c:

8:11 p.m.: Yikes! I tried one goldenrod flower raw, and oh my Lord... it tasted like rubbish. It's so bitter and pungent! And no, I didn't mistake it and accidentally eat a toxic plant. Goldenrod apparently just tastes like that, I've seen through searching it up. I'm still going to put it in my soup, though. I think putting it in soup will make the flavour more manageable and actually be quite yummy. Because I will admit behind all the pungentness was a good taste, just too pungent for my liking. So, I think putting it in my vegetable soup will mellow it down a little. We'll see! I'll update on it later. The raspberries were good, I just wish I had more or that they weren't so tiny ;-;

7:13 p.m.: Back! Got some raspberries and goldenrod. They were just washed, so they look a bit soggy right now, but I made sure to pick the ones in good condition (even if it doesn't look like that in the picture). There weren't many raspberries, but at least I know where they are now. I'll go check on the raspberry plants in a week or two and see if there's more. Also, I didn't take all of them! I support sustainable foraging here! I tossed some of the rotten ones around the forest so that more grows next year. There was lots of goldenrod, but a lot of them were just starting to bloom. I picked the yummiest looking ones I could find. I plan on eating the leaves raw or in my soup tonight (bedtime vegetable soup... and goldenrod!). I'll decide later. I'll be using the goldenrod leaves to make tea. The raspberries are going straight into my stomach after I write this entry. There's only a small amount of them and they're tiny, so might as well gobble them up now before they rot.

Wittle baby inchie worm!!! So cute, I had to take a picture.

I found him inside my basket when I brought it inside the house when I was done. Very cute! Obviously, I put him back outside. He was super hard to catch, super fast, but I knew he had to go back outside because he's not an indoor spider. If a spider is green, it's 100% an outdoor spider as they use that colour to camoflauge into the greenery. He was in my goldenrods, haha. I also saw another cool spider but didn't get a picture of it. He made a nest using his web curled up inside the leaf of a plant.

So, thoughts... Not much, but that's OK! I'm just a beginner forager after all! I'm super excited to learn more and more about foraging and expand what I can grab. Try out foraging!! It's super fun! Just make sure you practice sustainable foraging. Carry a bag with you to collect litter, don't take all of the berries and flowers and plants, flick some berries and seeds to spread them, cover any holes you make when digging for roots, and there you go! Sustainable foraging! The environment and you will be happy!

5:09 p.m.: She's running a bit late. I will be out foraging in a bit, though. Anyway, just wanted to say I love animals so much, they make me cry tears of joy ;-; Oh my Lord, I love bears... They are SO CUTE!!! I just wanna cuddle a bear!!! But that's really dangerous, so I won't. I will fight my urges to go hug a bear. But oh, Lord, I really want to ;-; I mean, have you seen a bear? They're just!!! BIG!!! BALLS!!! OF FLUFF!!! Real life teddy bears! I mean... yeah. No shit, Lucius, bears came before teddy bears. Anyway. I love bears. I just wanna hug one so badly but I can't and it's tearing me apart AGH

3:57 p.m.: I think I've finally decided what I want to do in life. I want to be a vegan tattoo artist and all my power will be from solar panels. I want to use my role as a vegan tattoo artist as a form of activism. I want to hold vigils and protests and talk to clients about veganism, recommend them how to start if they're not already vegan. Put up posters promoting animal rights in the studio. I doubt I'd be able to have my own studio, so I don't mind working underneath someone that will agree to do this with me. And veganism is quite popular in the body modification industry, so I'm sure I can find someone. Make a good friend that way, a life-long one. I'm not sure if this is realistic, and I won't lie, I think it probably is unrealistic for someone as low-functioning as Lucius, but I will tell myself it is realistic to keep myself alive. For Bunny. For all the other animals I can help save. I find it hard to live on most days, so hopeflly this will help...

10:37 a.m.: I mentioned before how my animal hyperempathy is the strongest it has ever been, which is a big reason why I'm more vocal than ever now about veganism, but a part of it is also that I've now involved myself in the larger vegan community. I no longer just hide from the community. I now go and expose myself to other vegans' opinions and activism and debates, and that has made me 100x more vocal and passionate. And now that I've gotten to this point, I doubt I'll ever stay quiet about it again. I want to be like the activists I look up to. I don't want to keep quiet while the environment is being destroyed and innocent sentient beings are being tortured anymore.

I'm hyper-aware now of meat/dairy/egg propaganda. It's truly disgusting. Meat and other food with dead animals in it advertised with a cute cartoon smiling happy cow or chicken or pig. Dairy farm commericals showing cows walking in a big green pasture, making us think cows don't need to be pregnant to produce milk and are happy to provide us milk and we're doing them a favour because their utters will explode if we don't milk them. "Free-range" bullcrap. Those "free-range" eggs with a smiling chicken on them and other propaganda instead of admitting they throw baby male chickens fully concious into a blender and fill the chickens with so much drugs they can't even walk because of their own body weight. Cheese with a smiling cow (think the Laughing Cow, prime example of propaganda) on it to distract people from the reality that they sexually violate animals by masturbating a bull and then sticking their entire arm up a cow's anus to hold her cervix and forcibly impregnate (rape) her. "Pigs in a blanket," a cuter way to say, "Here's a corpse of an innocent animal we tortured before murdering wrapped in another piece of their body," and trying to get kids to think that's adorable. It's all sick and I can't stand it. But on the bright side, there's others who are aware of this and go vegan. And every day, more and more people go vegan. One day, the majority of people will be vegan. As Hench says, "I want there to be less suffering because I lived than because I died." What he means is that if he wasn't vegan, when he dies, there'd be less suffering in the world because a meat-eater is now dead. But being vegan makes less suffering while you are alive. I think that quote is great.

Foraging got pushed back because apparently C told my sister to go to town first. He's not coming with us. A bit annoying, but whatever. I wanted to go this morning because it gets very hot later today, but I'll deal with it. Raspberries are in season. I hope to get some! c: I also want to find a carrion flower really badly. Apparently they smell like corpses! Very interesting. They have edible berries that I really want to try! I learnt I can't find wild asparagus because it's too late for it now. You have to harvest them in the spring. But! Still lots of berries! My favourite! So I'm not upset at all!

8:25 a.m.: I want to be a vegan activist. I mean, I already am, but I want to do more. I want to do more than just write "Go vegan, Save the Earth" on public notebooks in art stores and have a veganism page on my site and do moss graffiti. I want to go to vigils and animal rights protests and stand in the streets and educate people. I want to show people footage of what actually goes on in the industry. I want to sneak hidden cameras into the farms around here and expose them to the public. I feel like I'm not doing enough. The first step would be to find vegans around my area. There must be some type of online group somewhere I can find other vegans. In the very slim chance someone is reading this and is vegan, if you're from around here, message me and we can set up some real activism some time.

I want to get a shirt that invites people to talk to me about veganism. I have to imagine there's a shirt like that? Not just one that says "vegan" as that can be taken by meat-eaters as some self-righteous thing, but one that says, for example, "Talk about veganism with me," so if people are curious, they know I'm open to having a discussion.

6:48 a.n.: I'm thinking about and missing my ex a lot this morning, for some idiotic reason. He wasn't good for me and he was a terrible person, but I'd still do anything to get him back. Maybe it's not so much I miss him as it is I'm just lonely.

5:57 a.m.: I know I said I have to stop uploading unnecessary images for space reasons, but look... she's so cozy and cute... The Saltine cracker box beside her is a little hiding place if she wants to hide in it. She prefers hiding under the chairs in my room, though.

4:08 a.m.: It seems the sedation effect of my antipsychotics has stopped again. The past few days, I keep waking up countless times throughout the night. I woke up at roughly 3:30 a.m. I played some Stardew Valley and gave Bunny some attention. I want to go back to sleep, but I don't know if I can. I think that tomorrow, my sister is coming by herself to take me to the forest to forage. Er, well, today now, I guess. Also, I deleted that picture of Bunnny because I ned to stop wasting space on unnecessary images.

5th of August, 2020

9:28 p.m.: Oh, update on our dog. He's no longer throwing up, but he isn't doing that well still. I mean, we already knew he was old and he didn't have much longer to live. We believed this would be his last summer. Apparently his eyes have gotten very cloudy and he's probably going to go blind soon. I don't know if he's in pain and we have to put him down, or if he's not in pain and he can peacefully pass on his own. I don't know what kind of dog he is. He's big and he's black. He's very sweet. He likes to lean against you, and whenever he does that to me, I fall over because he's so big and I'm so tiny. Ella does that, too. I really love Ella. I want to see Ella again, but she's Dee's pet... And I don't want to go to her farm ever again. My opinion on small "ethical" farms like Dee's has changed, if that wasn't obvious. My reason for saying it was fine in the past was because I believed the myth that some people had to eat meat to live even if they were rare, but I learnt that's not true at all and it's unneccessary for literally every human. And also I realized that raising a cow or pig or chicken to have trust in you, when you bottlefeed them and develop a relationship with them, and then betray their trust in the end by slaughtering them in front of their friends and family is not ethical in the slightest. I'd say it's even worse than factory farms because at least the animals in factory farms don't form a relationship with the factory farm workers and have their trust betrayed in the worst way possible. But I still love Ella, she's a very good dog.

Speaking of Dee, I have a feeling it'll be next to impossible to convince mother to go vegan as long as she's friends with Dee. Dee will keep feeding her lies about how it's ethical, and she'll believe it. And if I try to explain the truth to her, she'll get angry and feel attacked that I'm "shit-talking" her friend. The only way I can see her changing is by having her try vegan recipes and vegan meat alternatives and having her like it. Which, as I said, I talked to Mother about veganism and she said she'd try meat alternatives. I really hope she'll like it more than she loves meat. It's kind of hard, honestly, to not tell her what I'm really thinking. I've always been a very blunt person that sugarcoats nothing, but... I really don't want to hurt her. What I really want to say is, "Your love for meat is more important than these innocent animals' lives and well-being?" "You'd get angry if someone ate a dog or cat, but are somehow okay with eating cows and chickens and pigs and lambs?""Do you really think it's ethical to make an animal develop a relationship and trust in you, to bottlefeed that animal, just to murder them when they grow up so you can eat their meat which you don't even need to survive?" But I can't. Because that's not the way to get Mother to consider going vegan. I will say that I don't think being honest = militant veganism, though. Take Joey Carbstrong for example. A lot of people call him a militant vegan, and he definitely was in the past, but nowadays he isn't. And people just call him a militant vegan because they want him to shut up. Militant vegan is a term loosely thrown around by meat-eaters to try and shut every vegan up. Yes, Joey makes people uncomfortable and doesn't sugarcoat shit, but that doesn't make him a militant vegan? Militant vegans threaten to murder all meat-eaters and make young children afraid of their parents and other terrible shit. There's a big difference. Joey's activism where he's blunt and raw and challenges people instead of coddling them and telling them what they want to hear is good, in my opinion. I think in a vast amount of situations, his form of activism is the best form. But that's not the same with Mother, she's an exception. She needs someone to be as patient as possible since she feels so guilty from eating meat. Anyway. Just wanted to say I love Joey Carbstrong, he's so cool. And I'm super proud of him for getting out of that gang life and becoming vegan. He's so badass and an inspiration to me.

9:01 p.m.: I 100% support ALF and other vegans who rescue animals from slaughterhouses. Those that sneak in and let the animals escape. If that's militant veganism, I really don't care. If it was a dog in an abusive household, everyone would support it, but when it's a cow or chicken or pig, suddenly that makes you the "Evil" one and a militant vegan. I think that's hypocritical speciesism. Sort out your shit, your cognitive dissonance. These people are heroes and I will forever support them. I wish I could do that myself, but I can't because I'm disabled. But my support will always be with those people. Same with the vegans that sneak in hidden cameras in slaughterhouses and factory farms. Doing God's work.

Also, I only just learnt of the Beirut explosion. I'm always behind on world news as I'm very isolated. I don't really know what to say that everybody else already hasn't. It's tragic and an absolutely horrible way to go. I hope everyone still alive that is affected by it is doing OK. And if the explosion was caused by human error (I'm assuming so?), I hope the negligent rotters behind it face justice.

7:48 p.m.: I added Dominion to the documentaries section of the veganism page. I wrote a short paragraph as a message to vegan men and men who are considering going vegan on the 'other' section of the veganism page. Playing a lot of Stardew Valley today. I love Elliot so much. I knew as soon as I met him that he would be the one I marry in Stardew Valley. I don't understand why so many people hate him. He's so sweet and misunderstood and romantic. Most people would probably think I'd go for Sebastian because he's edgy, but no! He's too rude. I hate rude people. But Elliot? He's so kind!!

6:05 p.m.: OH MY GOSH!!! I'm getting a Furrybones stuffie!!! My favourite one!!! The black-and-purple kitty one!!! Super excited for it to get here, it's so Lucius. If you don't know what furrybones are, they're kind of like Skelanimals. I used to have a bunch of Skelanimals when I was younger. Anyway, Furrybones are animals (skeleton animals) wearing costumes! They have figurines and stuffies! They're super cute and right up my alley. Mimikyu is going to have a second best friend!!! You can bet your life that once he gets here, I'll be talking about him a lot. I need to think of a name for him! He should be here in late August.

4:17 p.m.: Earlier today, I went to forage some more stuff in the yard. I got more clovers (white this time) and plantain broadleafs to make tea. I want to go out into the forest to forage as I know I'll get more, but I'm still not allowed by myself and it's too hot for her to come with me. I'm making more tea. I just went outside again to throw out some spoiled nuts. I didn't know that nuts could spoil like that, it was disgusting. Apparently my great grandmother gave them some wild hazelnuts from her backyard a while ago, and they forgot about them in the storage room. At least the wild animals now have some yummy treats. I found a great spot with great big broadleaf plantains in good condition. I will gather them tomorrow. I have to keep gathering a bunch of small ones since the bigger ones are usually in very bad condition. I saw some cute little green spiders on some plantains this morning. Not aphids, they were spiders. I also found three mushrooms! but I don't know what they are, so I'm not going to risk it. Mushrooms are for experienced foragers, not beginner ones like me. Oh, and I saw a beautiful Monarch butterfly!

2:47 p.m.: Deleted because I remembered I'm not supposed to rant.

12:21 p.m.: I've never seen meat as food. Well, I never really even liked most meat. I was always disgusted by most meat, whether cooked or raw. The only meat I've ever actually liked was chicken. But even though I liked chicken, I did not see it as food. Whenever I saw chicken meat, all I could see was a corpse of an innocent animal. The only chicken that actually looked like food to me was chicken that looks so far from what chicken meat looks like, take chicken in batter as an example. But nowadays, even that doesn't look like food. I just see it as a dead corpse made by people trying to make it look as far away from a corpse as possible. People trying to pretend it's something it's not. I can't go into the grocery store anymore without looking at ANYTHING with animal products in it and thinking, "There's a dead animal in this," "A cow was raped and tortured and eventually murdered to get these milk ingredients." And not just, "Oh, this is a gross rotting animal corpse disguised as "food," but I think about how much pain and suffering this animal went through just to feed humans that don't even need meat to live. And I get angry. Meat no longer just looks like something disgusting to me, it looks like an animal that was tortured all their life and eventually murdered. It's honestly hard to keep calm and not be a militant vegan once you understand animal "agriculture". But I try my best not to be because I know being a militant vegan doesn't help anyone, not even the animals. But once you understand it, nothing's ever the same. You start looking at everyone consuming and making these products as monsters. You realize just how brainwashed people are into thinking this is anywhere near OK, how disturbing it is people teach children this is "normal" when it's not and there's a good reason psychiatrists agree murdering animals as a child is a warning sign. You realize how hypocritical people are for saying they love animals and yet participating in speciesism. You realize how hypocritical people are for saying they care about the environment and climate change yet engaging in/supporting the biggest cause of our planet dying. It's hard to have hope for humanity and the world. But then you see other vegans, and then you remember, there is hope. One day, most people will be vegan. One day, the people of the future will look back on today and think of us as cruel monsters for the way we treat animals and the planet. It's not just these innocent sentient beings that are bleeding to death, the Earth is bleeding as well. Every animal born into a factory farm damages the planet. And there's a bandage right here. It's called veganism. It's right in front of you. Go vegan and save the Earth. Do it before it's too late.

11:25 a.m.: I'll add the music player back later today. I already had these songs on the music player and posted them to the Music page, but I want to share them here again because I love them so much...

daniels gone · mess (featuring Mary Mortem)
daniels gone · Hostile
daniels gone · Waste w/ silverwitch9 (co. nonari ☆)

Also, I already praised The Shore, I know, but the soundtrack to that game... Just WOW. Lovely, from all I've heard so far. I'm so excited for when the game gomes out.

10:42 a.m.: The text on the sidebar is lyrics from the song DRUGS EXIST by HEALTH. One of my favourite songs and some of my favourite lyrics.

I woke up a few minutes ago. I gave Bunny some head rubs then ate some almond yogurt and cherries. I don't have any plans for today. Turns out, it rained last night and I didn't hide the moss under anything, so the rain kind of messed the design up. That's OK, though, I should've made a stencil and kept it on or hid it from the rain. I just want to see now if this recipe works and if it'll still grow or not.

I forgot to take my morning medications again yesterday. Bunny is currently hiding underneath the chair. She likes to hide there. Oh, well, she just came out from underneath the chair. Never mind, she went back under. Now she's washing herself. Bunnies are so cute when they wash themselves. They lick their paws a bunch then rub their paws all over their head and it's just... absolutely adorable! I love bunnies so much.

4th of August, 2020

9:05 p.m.: Changed the layout. If you can't see it, it's probably because of cached images/files, so delete that if you care. The preview looks wonky, but I don't think it looks like that. At least not on the screens that my browser lets me preview (1280 x 950) (1280 x 800) (1440 x 990). If it does look wonky, feel frew to let me know. No garuantee I can fix it, though. I have no idea what I'm doing. I just type things until I make a Thing and decide that Thing is good enough. Also sory if there's lots of typos I'm not exactly the most soberest right now.

6:05 p.m.: I did it! I made the moss graffiti and painted some hearts. I wanted to try something simple (hearts) for my first time. Next time, if this works out, I'll make a stencil so I can use more complicated designs. I made it by collecting two handfuls of moss and washing as much soil out of the roots as I could, then blended it with 1/2 tsp sugar, 2 cups water, and 2 cups vegan almond yogurt (plain). I really hope it works! Also, it smelt SOOO good since I used my vegan yogurt. I made sure to get two tubs of it since I knew making the moss graffiti would take up a lot of my yogurt. Mère said, "Won't it attract bugs and and other animals to eat it if you leave it outside?" And yes, some animals probably will have a nibble, but that's the point! I'm helping the environment, I don't mind if any animals want to snack on it, that's totally fine with me! I'm more than happy to let them have some food! I am a stereotypical stoner. Nature-loving gay vegan. Smoke green and go green (or try something greener than smoking as smoking isn't that good for the environment but I'll accept I'm hypocritical in that regard I love smoking too much to stop).

4:48 p.m.: My brain... My annoying brain... It's telling me to change this site again. Gosh darn it. Can I not just keep one design??? Why do I always have to change it. This is probably the longest I've ever kept a design, too. Oh, and I mean changing the layout, not just the colours.

4:25 p.m.: So, I searched up to see if the almond milk I buy is fair trade. I believe it is? since it says they only grow their almonds in the U.S.? I use the Silk brand. But through searching that up, I found out almond milk hurts bees because a lot of companies use pesticides ;-; It's a lot better for the environment than dairy milk, but I still want to make sure I'm buying the most ethical plant milk I can... I can't find out if Silk uses pesticides or not. If someone knows, please let me know. I did check out their website and it says they're trying to help bees by planting plants they like where they get the almonds from, but I still couldn't find anything about pesticides.

I did find a cool site through searching, though. It's called Ethical Consumer. I'm going to link it to the resources and veganism pages.

3:57 p.m.: How am I so naive and distrustful at the same time? How does that work?

1:10 p.m.: Okay, we decided that I'll practice first. I have a piece of wood I'm going to try it on. If it goes well, then I'll start moving on to public spaces.

11:43 a.m.: SHE SAID YES!!! Now all I have to do is find a place and get the materials needed. Super excited!

11:01 a.m.: I added Veganuary to the 'How to Become Vegan' tab. Veganuary is very good for those who want to try going vegan but feel overwhelmed. Every January, you can take the pledge to live a vegan lifestyle for the entire month.

I'm going out again today. I'm not going to lie, while I'm always anxious around people, I'm 100x more anxious around people during this pandemic. I'm not worried for myself, but I'm worried for Mère. I don't want to get her sick. We always wear masks and stay away from people, but... the others around here? They rarely wear masks and they breathe down your neck. Like, I'm not kidding. I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but a few weeks ago when I was out, I was looking at some chains (looking for stuff to mod my combat boots) and this grown woman literally comes up right behind me. She wasn't wearing a mask and there was no space at all. I literally felt her breath on my cheek, she pushed her face up right beside mine. And it's like, what the fuck??? Even without the pandemic, that's so disgusting and creepy. Don't do that to anyone??? And it's even creepier when you understand that I look like an actual 12-year-old when my piercings are hidden (which they are when wearing a mask). So, she probably thought I was a fucking child and got so close anyway. Creep. I wanted to slap her and scream at her because my autistic ass can't handle that, but I didn't. Mère just grabbed my arm and pulled me away from her before I could do anything, thankfully. And people say autistics are the ones that don't understand personal space... Like, lmao, I'm extremely touch-avoidant and being touched physically hurts and it's always allistics who are grabbing my ass and touching me without consent even when I'm screaming and crying for them to stop. But OK. Yeah, blame autistics instead of checking yourself. It's easier to blame the disabled people so you have a "justification" to condone the genocide of us.

But. Anyway. SO that's why I'm nervous to go out more than usual. Nobody respects personal space are most people here are anti-maskers, so you run the risk of being yelled at by some stupid middle-aged white woman (Karens) that thinks you're "sheeple" for wearing masks. Also, can I just say how stupid that is? They don't understand that small local businesses are not governments... And also you follow the government's orders by wearing a seatbelt and by not going out into public naked, so... you'd be "sheeple", too? Like, listen, I hate the government as much as the next guy, but caring about not getting innocent people sick is not fucking blindly worshipping the government. It's called being a decent human being.

Happier stuff now. I hate ranting about stupid stuff, but looks like that's not going to stop because I'm an angry whiny person. OK, well this is not happier, but I asked Mother about the RCMP stuff (my background check) and she said they got distracted because our dog isn't feeling well. He's an old dog that we know doesn't have much time left to live, but I want to know what exactly is going on. Neither my sister nor Mother are answering me. They've read my message, they're just not responding. Annoying. Why won't they tell me? I'm not that big on dogs, but I still care and would like to know how he's doing.

Anyway. Once Mother answers me, I'm going to ask her for permission to run around doing moss graffiti. I still don't know where, though. I wonder if I ask for a property owner's permission if they'll let me do it once I explain what moss graffiti is? Because it's a lot different from spray paint. It's not toxic, it's eco-friendly, and it's easy to get off if they decide they don't want it no more. And it's not like I'm going to write, "Fuck you," I just want to write and draw some wholesome things. Like "Save the Earth" and draw plants and trees out of moss. Moss graffiti is a good thing, but I don't think anyone has done that before around here. I think it'd be powerful to do that. I would do moss graffiti without a property owner's permission if it wasn't for the fact it'd be quite easy to see someone standing there painting moss on the walls and spraying it with water to help it grow. Lol. It's not exactly discrete and I don't want to be arrested because I was doing something as harmless (beneficial!) as moss graffiti.

The only thing is that most moss graffiti recipes call for buttermilk. Luckily, I read you can replace it with vegan (unflavoured, though) yogurt instead! So, I'll be using that instead if I do get around to doing moss graffiti. If I'm going to be doing eco-friendly graffiti than the materials got to be eco-friendly as well, and obviously, dairy isn't eco-friendly. It destroys the environment, that industry, and it hurts innocent beings. Because of that, I think doing moss graffiti to try and help the environment if you're using animal products is very hypocritical.

Oh, they just responded. Apparently he's throwing up everything he eats. Poor thing ;-;

3rd of August, 2020

7:33 p.m.: Panicking... over nothing. I want to drill hole in my head. I want a lobotomy. How much money, I wonder, would it cost to get someone to lobotomize me? ;-; I don't know who I am or what I'm doing. I don't feel like myself. Real Lucius is out in the cemetery right now. He's singing songs to the dead and tending to their headstones. Imposter Lucius is sitting alone in his room, on his bed, using his computer to write this. Which one do you like better? I like Real Lucius better than myself. Real Lucius likes himself better, too ;-; I don't know why I'm doing this. I was thinking of something she said. I'm done. I want Real Lucius to come back. I took my medications right before I started writing this entry. Mimikyu. I'm really tired, none of this probably makes any sense. I never proofread. Mimikyu. I want Mimikyu ;-; He's in my arms, but I miss him. I miss Bunny too, but she's sleeping on the floor right now, so I can't bother her. Why try anymore. I'm so exhausted. I yawn every two minutes. I should sleep, but I'm not allowed to right now. The first step to getting Real Lucius back is staying awake.

4:57 p.m.: OH MY LORD. Playing Minecraft with shaders for the first time, and it's SO gorgeous. I feel like my depression is cured now with this beauty. I'm NEVER playing Minecraft without shaders ever again.

4:43 p.m.: Optifine 1.16 is finally out!!!!!!!!! I'm SO excited! I've never used Optifine before in all my years of Minecrafting. Super excited to try it for the first time c:

3:24 p.m.: What has happened today besides talking to Mother about veganism? Not much... I'm supposed to write what I'm wearing, I keep forgetting. Black-and-white striped thin hoodie with black socks and my overall shorts :|. It's another unbearably hot day. The weather forecast for the rest of the week says it'll be just as hot. Global warming isn't fun. I play some Minecraft. I mined some more. Lost a few diamonds in lava... annoyed, but whatever. Mood today... Tired. Extremely tired. I want to sleep. A bit sad, too. What over? Nearly everything. Right now, it's how I have no future and am still suffering while all my old classmates are successful and happy and have friends. I'm not angry at them, it's good that they're happy and living good lives, but it just makes me feel like shit because I compare myself to them. I'm just some pathetic disabled hypocritical loser who rants and whines on some pointless void on the internet (here) about all his problems that he caused himself. I can't get a job. I'm going to be stuck depending on Mother for the rest of my life. I will never do anything positive for this world. Ugh. I'm so tired of myself but there's really nothing I can do about this because you can't cure autism or schizophrenia, that's impossible. The best solution would be to kill myself, I know that, but I refuse to leave Bunny alone in this world. She needs me. Maybe that's the only good I provide in this world, is caring for Bunny. But I feel arrogant and full of myself for even considering that I do any slight amount of good. I just want to be happy but my brain refuses to let me be happy and feel better. I always feel incredibly guilty and that's a big reason why therapy and medications have never helped me. Because it makes me feel even more guilty to try to get help. Even more so when therapists tell me about "positive thinking" and "self-confidence" because I don't deserve to think anything good of myself. So I just get angry at the therapist and never talk to them again. I don't understand why I know that everyone else in this world needs to think positively of themselves and deserves to feel good about themselves, but I'm the exception. I don't know why. All I can think of is that it's true. It's true and God is telling me it's true by planting these thoughts in my brain. And if I ever try to feel better, God will get angry and punish me more and I'll feel even guiltier.

3:13 p.m.: The reason why I care about animals being killed more than I care about most humans is because 1. non-human animals are ALWAYS innocent, humans are usually terrible people that only hurt others 2. humans can want to die and accept they will die one day, but animals never want to die and they can't really accept it. They always want to live. That's not to say I think it's OK to go around killing innocent humans, it's not. It's just why I'm not bothered by human death. Like, just like how you don't need to love animals to be vegan, I don't need to love humans to not go around slashing their throats and letting them drown in their own blood. I know that's wrong even if I hate most people. I despise children and want them to stay as far away as possible from me, but I get angry if anyone hurts them. You can be the same with animals. You should be the same with animals.

11:49 a.m.: I asked her about it. She said she did and that she trys to buy from free-range farms for that reason. I told her free-range farms aren't any better and they're still torturing innocent beings, then she said "Dee (her friend) isn't like that." Because Dee has a farm. I said Dee is a local small farmer, not like most free-range farms. I wanted to say, "It's still immoral to make sentient beings think you're their only friend just to eventually slaughter them and betray their trust as they lay there dying a slow agonizing death while their children and friends watch," but I didn't because I know that's just make her angry. That's a discussion for another day. Anyway. I recommend she watched Dominion (2018) anyway and ended the conversation by saying thank you for being open-minded enough to have this discussion and try meat alternatives. I hope she ends up becoming vegan one day.

11:41 a.m.: Well, I did it. She didn't get angry. She said that she can't see herself going vegan because she loves meat too much, though. I asked if she tried any alternatives and she said she hasn't, so I recommended her my favourite veggie burgers to try and she said she'd try them and some other meat alternatives. That's a good first step. I'm going to ask her next if she ever learnt of what happens in factory farms. I'm going to have to be real careful about this part because I don't want to accidentally hurt her by making her feel even more guilty and terrified. I'll try to be postivie about it, say that there are things you can do to stop this.

10:56 a.m.: I'm going to try convincing Mother to go vegan, I think. When I first tried to go vegan two years ago, Mother was very upset. She called me names and was very rude. I know it's because she felt personally attacked. See, Mother loves animals, she loves them a lot. She doesn't even know what goes on in factory farms, and is extremely sad when she thinks about how just the meat she's eating was once an animal. She always says not to talk about where meat comes from (animals) so she doesn't feel guilty. I think she's changed enough now, though, to listen to what I want to tell her about veganism. I want to make her understand that you can live without meat, and be even healthier. I'm also concerned for her health, that's another reason I want to convince her. Veganism is the only diet that can reverse the diseases that are the top three killers. And I also want her to understand that she'd feel much better mentally. She obviously doesn't feel good knowing she's eating animals, and that can stop. She can stop and she can feel better mentally, without the constant guilt and sadness. What she consumed in the past is redeemable, she needs to understand that, that she can change and be better. That she's not going to be defined by her past actions if she changes. I can only talk to her using text, not in person, but maybe that's better. She'll have time to think about what I say instead of forcing an instant reaction like she'd have to do in a real life face-to-face conversation. And I'll link her to Dominion (2018). I'm going to do this today. Wish me luck.

9:56 a.m.: I started taking my antipsychotics again. I kind of regret stopping them after something that happened yesterday.

2nd of August, 2020

9:19 p.m.: OH MAN. Red clover + broadleaf plantain tea??? SO GOOD. It smells good, it tastes good, I'll definitely be making more of this! All you do is just dry them out for a few hours (although you don't have to) in the sun and then put it in one of those thingies... forget what it's called, but you put loose leaf tea in them. Let it steep, and there you go! Tea! Well, it's technically not "tea". No herbal tea is actually real tea. But screw semantics. Try this, it's real good and both of those plants are easily identifiable with no dangerous look-alikes. The only think is that if you're using white clover, be careful, because in very warm areas white clovers can gain cyanide. Not enough to kill you, but still enough to cause a tummy ache and just have you feeling bad. So you should be careful if you live somewhere hot.

8:39 p.m.: I'm not a militant vegan, but holy shit do I ever think it is justifiable to be one when it comes to animal abusers. Then I'll gladly admit I can be a militant vegan. Like, I'm not sorry. If you understand all the abuse that goes on in factory farms and choose to support them anyway, guess what? You're just as bad as the factory farm workers, if not worse because without you paying for it, they wouldn't be in business in the first place. Especially those that go around calling themselves "carnivores" and act like they're super duper cool for knowingly eating tortured sentient beings and comparing themselves to lions/non-human animal predators. Like, wow, you're such a lion! Look at this powerful skilled lion, on the prowl, hunting down its prey in the grocery store! SO FUCKING HARDCORE, BRO!!! Like, lmao. Don't kid yourself. You're not a "true carnivore." If you see an injured cow on the side of the road, real predators would only think, "Food, food, food," and go eat it raw as it's still alive and screaming in pain. But you, a human? You'd want to go and help the cow. You're not a hardcore carnivore. Unless you would actually go abuse an animal yourself, and in that case, go shove a cactus up your ass.

By the way, "you" is rarely ever meant to be directed to someone that may be reading this. I just use "you" as a replacement for saying "they" or whatever. Because it's easier and also it helps more to vent like I'm saying it to the people I want to say this to but can't. It's a bit hard to say this to the people I want to say this to when 1. there's so many of them 2. It's not like I can go outside to an animal rights protest right now lol. So just pretending I'm getting across the message to the people I want to recieve it helps the anger go away.

6:40 p.m.: I've calmed down now and stopped crying, but I'm still upset. I still feel guilty and that it's my fault I can't change them. I just feel so powerless. There's so many things wrong in this world, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I just complain about it for no reason because there's nothing else I can do. I'm constantly exposed to the worst of humanity and it infuriates and frightens and saddens me and it's all made worse by knowing I can't do anything. I can't change the world. I can't even change one fucking person for the better. What the hell is some disabled loser supposed to do? I just want to get away from here, this backwards place. Find somewhere where there's people that are kind and are like me. Where people aren't horribly racist or sexist or homophobic or transphobic or animal abusers or just assholes. But a place like that doesn't exist, does it? At least not any where around here. Everyone here is so fucking backwards and every day I'm just reminded of how shitty humans can be. I have no one to give me a good example and give me hope. The only people I can look up to are fucking strangers online. Online activist strangers. Those are the only people that give me hope, but since I never see them in real life, I often just feel like it's not real and there is no hope for humans. I'm so fucking tired of seeing people be mean to others and animals for no fucking reason. Why is no one here a decent human being. Why do humans always have to hurt each other. Innocent people just trying to live and treated like fucking shit and it breaks my heart because I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT. I've never been able to help anyone. I've always tried but it never fucking works. I always just make shit worse and I'm so sorry to everyone. And I hope whoever is reading this is happy and treats others with respect unless they show they dont' deserve respect. And I hope you know you deserve better than whatever life is throwing at you. I'm sorry I can't do anything more than type those words. I'm really sorry. I love you, just in case no one has told you that yet today.

6:04 p.m.: Well, I'm crying. My day is ruined and I'm equally sad and scared. Apparently my sister lied and C was there. I was scared the entire time he'd hurt me. I was OK I thought with C2 being there as he's quiet, and I know he's racist but I thought he'd just stay quiet as long as C wasn't with us (which I was told). But no, apparently he's not so quiet when he's ready to be racist. Because once again, they were being horribly racist. For the last three fucking times straight, this exact thing happened. They do not learn no matter how many times I call them out. And it's fucking upsetting. Not just because they're so close-minded that I'm scared for my own safety with being LGBT and you know calling them out on their racism, but because I'm fucking scared for others??? All these innocent people that these two violent twats treat like shit just because these fucking idiots believe in Hitler's psuedoscience eugenic race BULLSHIT. I LITERALLY EXPLAINED THE REALITY OF WHAT RACE IS (A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT) AND EXPLAINED HOW IT HAS NO BASIS IN ACTUAL BIOLOGY AND YET THEY'RE STILL LIKE THAT. STILL HORRIBLY RACIST. And I don't know what to do anymore??? He goes around calling people the n-word and "dirty little Mexicans" and I don't fucking know what to do to stop him and I feel so BAD because I feel like it's my fault I can't stop him. Even though I barely know him and he's my sister's boyfriend I feel like it's my fucking responsibility because she won't call him out, she's racist too, I'm the only one with the guts to fucking confront him about it. And I'm a pussy so I'm scared he's going to fucking hatecrime me. I don't understand??? Why my sister is dating a violent racist???? WHEN WE'RE A MINORITY??? WHEN WE'RE ACADIAN AND OF INDIGENOUS DESCENT??? PERE WAS FUCKING PART INDIGENOUS. And he didn't even die less than two months ago now and yet you're allowing people to be racist and say shit that people used against Pere his entire life. What the fuck is wrong with you. Fuck all three of you.

Anyway. It was the exact same scenario, too. Stopped at a fast food drive-thru. The lady working had an accent. Racism ensued. I told them that they were fucking pussies that were nowhere near as brave and smart as she was because none of you fucks have the guts to move to another country where you're more liekly to get assaulted and face racism every single fucking day just so you can help others out during a fucking pandemic. And not anywhere near as smart because you fuckers can only speak English and she can speak multiple languages. She's braver and smarter than any of them will ever be. And it just breaks my heart that she has to deal with that shit all the fucking time. What the fuck is wrong with humans. I hate humans. And I'm SORRY, to her. I'm sorry I can't make them change no matter how hard I try. I'm really sorry. They never respondd to me after I told them all that. They just shut up because they probably knew I was right. But of course their pride is too big to admit they're wrong so they'll just soon forget about what I said and continue being racist and hurting people.

Needles to say, I didn't go foraging. I told my sister to take me straight back home because I did not want to be around them any longer.

1:58 p.m.: Oh, Lord. Why did I ask to do this... It's going to be far too hot. I just hope the trees, the shade they give, it makes foraging not as dreadfully hot. I'm going to have to bring like twenty water bottles just to not pass out in the middle of the forest on this hot day. I'm so dumb! Whatever. My earlier grab (red clovers and broadleaf plantains) are almost dried enough. Just a little bit more and I can make my tea! My sister is coming with me because Mère can't since it's too hot for her, and Mère won't let me go alone, so I have to go with my sister. C2 is coming as well. C isn't, thankfully. I never want to see that violent twat ever again lest he fucking curbstomp me for supporting human rights.

When I tried clovers the other day, they were the white ones. I haven't tried the red clovers yet. I used to use broadleaf plantains when I was younger. Jenny told me that they're good for bug bites and bee stings. What we'd do is chew them up or grind them up a bit, then rub it against the bug bite or bee sting. I've never actually eaten them before, though, or drank them in a tea. This will be a first for me. I'm putting the clover and the broadleaf plantains together in the tea, not making seperate teas.

12:!9 p.m.: I wanted to go out and forage, but it's far too hot, so I just went around the yard instead of the woods. I got some broadleaf plantain, red clover, and dandelions. I gave the dandelions to Bunny. I'm drying the broadleaf plantain and red clover to make a tea. I've never tried that kind of tea before, I hope it tastes good!

10:22 a.m.: I'm feeling a lot better now compared to yesterday evening. I'm thinking about something not so happy right now, though. I remember when I was five, our school brought us on a field trip to a farm... There were these giant holes in the side of the cows and you could see the inside of their stomach. Little Lucius didn't know what they were, but it was then that he realized humans are terrible. Now that I'm older, I know what those are. They're called cannulated cows. They claim the surgery is "painless," maybe while it's happening, but there's still a recovery period where they're not doubt in excrutiating pain. And they claim it's for the "cow's health"... No, it's for dairy and meat farmers' profits. They don't give a shit about the cow's well-being unless it interferes with profits they can make from the innocent cow. Anyway... why would a school bring 5-year-olds to a place like that? I don't understand. Every other kid didn't seem to care, but I was literally crying as soon as I saw the cows. I don't understand how people, even children, are so desensitized to animal abuse. It's not OK.

I know I've been talking about veganism/aniaml rights a lot more than I usually do lately. It's because my hyperempathy for animals is probably at the strongest its ever been right now, and that's saying a lot. The closest in extremity it's ever been to right now was when I was 5-10, I think, and I'd start sobbing whenever I walked by meat in the grocery store and had to cover my eyes.

I remember when I was 8, Mother was friends with a mother of a girl who was in my class. I didn't like her, but since Mother went to visit her mother, I went with her, and they told me to go play with that girl. She took me into her chicken barn? shed?. I was excited at first because I loved chickens and wanted some as pets (I didn't know these weren't pets...), but I got disgusted very quickly. The girl would purposely terrify the chickens and hurt them and laugh and act like I'm weird for not laughing at animal abuse. She'd grab them by one leg and fling them around and they'd just be screeching and trying to escape. I just stood there wanting to both vomit before running away and stay to kill her right then and there.

I actually never told anyone about those memories. I never wrote it down in any journal, either. It was nice to get it out, I feel. I have a lot of stories/memories involving hurt animals because of Mother's rescue. Each one has impacted me. Especially Raindrop. Raindrop was a little kitten who was found abandoned on the side of the road. She had an infection that smelt super bad and was pooping maggots. I named her Raindrop because it was raining when we saved her. She was soaked. We brought her to the vet and waited for hours. Eventually, the vet came out and gave us some medications. We gave it to her but she died during the night at home. There was another kitten, I can't remember his name, that impacted me a lot. I kept him in my room because he was so sick and injured he needed to be alone (we have cats, so he had to be in my room with the door closed to prevent the other cats from coming in). I can't remember what exactly was wrong with him, although he was having trouble breathing. We gave him medications the vet prescribed for him. I had him lay down on my lap and I pet him for hours on end and tried to comfort him and ease whatever physical pain he was going through. Eventually, I ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up, he was dead. I felt like it was my fault because I fell asleep. I know it isn't, I know he would've died either way, but I can't help but still feel a bit guilty. I just don't like it when animals are in pain.

I guess I should share a happier rescue story now. Well, let's go with my big Maine Coon. We rescued him from the wild at a local truck repair shop . He was just a kitten, but he was super sick. He had a bunch of problems. I don't know what it's called, but missing a bone in his nose, and some kind of sickness that was related to his nose that spread to his brain and therefore made him... a bit odd. Like, he acts like he has autism. I'm not kidding!!! I'm autistic and we act exactly the same!!! And I also have a fucked up nose I can't breathe properly out of!!! WE'RE TWINS!!! Except I'm a human and he's a cat, so I don't know how that works. Anyway. He also had a terrible case of fleas. So, he stayed in my room until he was going to be big enough to get neutered and adopted. Holy crap, he was a big kitten. And he was a playful one, too. Every night, he wouldn't let me sleep because he'd come and bite on my toes or my face or my hands. It was Hell. But it was really cute, so I didn't mind too much. We ended up loving him so much we decided to keep him! And now he's full-grown and 22 pounds!!!! Super fluffy long boy!!! He still is super sweet and adorable. One of my favourite things about him is that he lets me use him as a pillow. Like, he lets me rest my head on him and he doesn't care because he's so big my tiny head doesn't hurt him. He just purrs because he's happy he's getting attention. And I'm happy too because he's so soft. Softest pillow ever! OH, AND HE PLAYS MY PIANO! I've mentioned that here before, and it's true!!! HE PLAYS MY PIANO. HE GETS UP ON MY PIANO BENCH AND PAWS AT THE KEYS. IT IS THE CUTEST THING EVER. He's so much like me!!! We're basically best buddies. I miss him, I haven't seen him in a few months ;-; But I'll see him when I go home in September! He's orange and white. Oh, and he chases me... I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's terrifying. Like, imagine this. Imagine going out of your room at night into a dark hallway and kitchen with no lights because they're broken and have been for over two years now (exposing my shitty homelife right now) trying to get yourself a drink of water. Then all of a sudden, you hear some loud thudding noises, like footsteps behind you in the dark. And you can't turn any lights on to see what it is because as I said, they're broken. So you start running. And then the footstep-like sounds speed up with you. It's running after you, it's chasing you. Then you get to the kitchen, open the fridge, and the fridge light just shows it's your giant Maine Coon wanting some attention. And then he tries to climb up your legs and uses your legs + butt as a scratching post. I deal with that literally every single night at home and I'm still not used to it LOL. But in the day time, I love running around to make him chase after me. It's super funny because he actually runs after you, everywhere you go. He's such an attention whore and I love him.

Bunny is doing well. I'm still puzzled why she bit my nose. So mean ;-; Or maybe she thought my facewash smelt yummy? Or maybe she thinks it smells bad. Probably bad because she bites my nails after I paint them since she hates the smell of fresh nail polish. I'm sorry, Bunny, but I can't just spit in my hands and rub them all over my face like you do! That's not how humans work! I'm going to give her the morning salad in a bit. I had some cherries and my milkshake. I asked if she wanted to go foraging with me this afternoon. She said maybe, if it's not too hot. I mainly want to find some wild asparagus today.

4:!1 a.m.: I was laying down with Bunny and she comes up and starts sniffing my face. Then she started licking my cheek. Then she moved over to my nose. And she bit it. She bit my nose. It was really funny, it put me in a good mood.

2:52 a.m.: I've been with Bunny. Cuddling with her. I need to stay for her. I don't care anymore how much pain I'm in, she's more important. Animals are more important.

1st of August, 2020

5:46 p.m.: I suppose I'll write about my birthday now. My 18th birthday that's coming up, yes...

I'm scared, for a multitude of reasons. I'll start with the less heavy one first. I'm disabled. How am I supposed to survive when my parents are no longer legally obligated to take care of me? I probably won't get any job, no matter how hard I try. I can't live on my own because of my disabilities/autism/schizophrenia. I don't even know how to unlock things... I struggle with opening doors. I can't cook. I suffer with chronic pain that some days forces me to lay down in bed and not even able to sit up or move at all. I can't understand anything, and I can't learn anything that's not a special interest. Even if I were to find a job that was not too hard on the other aspects of my "low-functioning" autism, there's still the fact it'd probably be something I can't do because I have no interest in it.

On to the more heavy stuff, and the main reason I'm terrified of my 18th birthday. It's being an adult. No, not for the reasons stated above. I'm scared to be an adult because nobody cares about you once you're legally an adult. People only care about children. I was never a child. Sure, I had the body of one, but I was never emotionally a child. I was born with multiple severe mental illnesses and into an abusive household. I had to be an adult. I had to defend myself and I tried to defend Mother. I put myself in danger constantly. I was hurt constantly. I was molested nearly daily until I was 12. I was told to kill myself and other hurtful things. I didn't have anyone that cared about me, even though I tried so hard to help everyone else. I never felt safe. I never felt like a child. I felt like an adult my entire life. I had to grow up as soon as I was brought into this world. I always knew that nobody would care about me once I got older. And that scared me, always, because I just want someone to care. My last resort was to kill myself. If I died young, surely someone would care then? Surely people would cry at my funeral? So I made plans to kill myself when I was 12. It didn't happen, so that changed to 14. Then 15. Then 16. Then 17. None of them happened. My first suicide attempt was when I was 14. Many more attempts followed, so many I can't even count it. They all failed. I can't die, no matter what I try. I've overdosed more times than anyone can ever survive, I've literally cut arteries twice and survived, I literally had organ failure and went into a coma for three weeks and survived. And now I'm too old for anyone to care if I die. It hurts so much. I was supposed to kill myself long ago so I could finally have at least one fucking person in this entire fucking world care. And I ruined that chance. Now I'm finally going to be 18, the age I was supposed to be dead long before reaching. And life will never ever get better, because I know all my chances of anyone ever caring are gone. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I should've killed myself when I was six.

I don't want to be this way. I want to die. I decided recently to try and live beyond my 18th birthday, for Bunny and to see Mother one last time. And to make it to the full moon on Halloween that'll be the first in my life. But I don't know. Now that it's so close, it's really hard to not just kill myself. Every day, as it gets closer to my birthday, my suicidal urges get stronger. I don't think I'll make it at this rate. And I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry to anyone who's reading this. I'm sorry if I make you think suicide is the answer, because it's not. I'm just weak and selfish. Please don't follow my footsteps for anything. But most of all, I'm sorry to Bunny. I'm sobbing because I feel so selfish and so guilty and I know it'll hurt Bunny. She's the only one I have. I don't want Bunny to be left alone and to be taken by people who'll hurt her, which will happen after I die. But I can't anymore. I just want to stop being in pain. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm really really sorry. I'm so sorry, Bunny. I'm really sorry. I hope you know that I'm not trying to hurt you. But you're just a bunny, so you won't understnd that. All you'll understand is your best friend is gone and you'll be wondering where I am and then you'll be taken in by people who will mistreat you and you'll keep hoping I come back but I won't. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I can't express how sorry I am. I'm so sorry.

I don't plan on killing myself tonight. I do plan on doing dangerous things that may kill me, but probably not since my tolerance is so high and I've survived it a billion times before. But just in case, on the small chance, you know what happened. I'm sorry. Please take good care of Bunny for me. Don't keep her in a cage. Let her be freeroam. Give her lots of attention and give her healthy, yummy food with some treats now and then. Sorry.

3:42 p.m.: I wanted to make something with icons/symbols, so I made another Junk Creation. I want to try something more advanced next time. I still need to revamp (?) my Mimikyu shrine. I'll do that tomorrow or later today. Probably tomorrow. Anyway. Not much has happened since. Took a shower. Played some REmake. I'm pretty bored. I don't know what to do for the rest of the day, but I'll find something.

11:59 a.m.: Update on my ears. They're not as irritated anymore, which is great! I started soaking them instead of poking because poking just moves the rings around and the crusties can create tears in your ear piercing and lead to infection. So, poking probably caused them to get irritated and almost infected. But I was poking them because it's so damn hard to get off the crusties otherwise.

11:27 p.m.: I'm going to stop writing about this after this entry because it's really upsetting for me. But... just wanted to say, the dairy farmers even refer to the torture contraption they use as a "rape rack." I'm not fucking kidding. They understand it's rape and do it anyway. If you think dairy farmers aren't animal abusing zoophiles, you're very wrong. You have to be a psychopathic zoophile to do that to a cow. Or any other animal. It was created by Harry Harlow. They use the "rape rack" to restrain cows during forced insemination so the cows don't hurt the dairy farmers (animal abusers). Because... cows don't want to be raped. And it's very painful, so obviously they try to fight back.

11:00 a.m.: Oh, that wasn't meant to be an attack on anyone (except for the factory farm workers). Just educating. But I do think once you truly understand everything that goes on in factory farms, and you continue to support them, you yourself are an animal abuser. But most people don't know what goes on or they learn but can't comprehend it's real. I recommened watching Dominion and other movies that should snap you into reality. I'll link some documentaries to the veganism page later. I want to wait until I finish Dominion, I started watching it a few days ago, but it's so fucking upsetting that I have to take days in between watching it as a break lest I go absolutely insane.

10:51 a.m.: Why is forced insemination not considered rape for non-human animals? For example, cows. How is forcibly sticking your entire arm up a cow's anus to grab hold of her cervix to pump her full of semen which is extremely painful for the cow not rape? You understand beastiality is wrong and animals can be raped in that sense, so why is forced insemination any different? It's not. It's rape. And she'll go through it again year after year, spend years as a slave, until she's eventually no good for the animal abusers. Your cow milk comes from raped cows. And your cow milk comes from a sentient being that feels emotions and pain who not only was raped, but the maternal creature had her children ripped away from her. The same thing happens to the daughters. The sons get tortured and then eventually killed for veal, which is baby cow flesh. Sick baby cows immediatedly get murdered in a terrible way if they're not "fit" enough to produce milk. I know everyone hates vegans that compare non-human animal pain to human pain, but guess what? This is the truth. And I'm an actual victim of CSA, molested pretty much daily until I was 12, so you can't get angry at me for being insensitive. Because I'm not. I'm saying the truth.

10:36 a.m.: !!! I caught a Parson spider. They're really pretty. They have a white stripe on their abdomen. They bite, but it's not lethal. Anyway. It was super weird because he was on my computer..? That's very unlike Parson spiders, as they come out to hunt at night and stay away from humans. But whatever! I caught him and put him back outside where he belongs. I used a cup with a paper underneath because I didn't want to get bitten, even if it's not lethal it's still annoying. But I think he came in from when I was outside cutting basil and chives for my salad. We have some growing outside. And I saw a spider scurry across the deck, that's normal, it's the outdoors, so I didn't pay attention. But I think he might've climbed onto my foot and bit it because my foot has been hurting since (yes, I go outside barefeet). And then I noticed him on my computer, so he probably was hiding in my clothes after biting my foot. Anyway. Back outside now where he can be happy! c:

9:20 a.m.: It's August. Wack. My birthday is next month and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I'll write more about it later.

Mother isn't able to come hom from my birthday. I mean, she never really celebrated my birthday after I turned 12, but... I was hoping maybe this year would be different and she'd actually care and not just ignore me. But if it's changed, it doesn't really matter since she can't come back home until the 12th. That's after my sister's birthday, too. My sister's birthday is on the 11th, but she wasn't born in the same year since she's older by a few years. I'm kind of glad she won't be here for her birthay bcause I really hate my sister. All she does is abuse people both physically and emotionally and gets away with it because she likes to excuse it on S dying despite the fact when she died they weren't even friends, they hated each other, and she was abusive since I was born, years before S ever died. She's just a liar that uses a real person's death to excuse her shitty behaviour. And Mother allows it. Ugh. Look, I lost my best friend and debatable lover to a much worse manner of death and I don't go around abusing people. You're just a psychopath. Admit it. Ugh. I hate her so much. Aside from the whole abuse part, she's just a shitty person anyway. She's horribly racist, "I'm not like the other girls", horribly homophobic and sexist (even to other women despite her being one??? like WHAT, she wasn't raised in a household where she'd get internalized misogngy, she literally chose it herself but makes herself seem so different and "better" and not like the rest). She's probably a neo-Nazi because she not only prides herself on being born on 9/11 and having the initials "BAD", but she prides herself on having German decent and having blue eyes and blonde hair. Now, that wouldn't be too weird, until you hear that she literally brags about those traits by saying she's "Hitler's preferred type". YEAH. I have good reason to believe she's a fucking neo-Nazi. For context, while my parents weren't the best... like, never in my entire life were they "good parents"... they weren't racist or homophobic. They were always strongly against that shit and would call it out. So she literally chose to be a fucking scumbag on her own, which is a thousand times worse than being raised into a family like that and thinking it's normal because you have no contact with other people. She knew it was wrong and chose it anyway because I firmly believe she's an actual psychopath. Like, seriously, she's ripped straight from a textbook on psychopathy. I'm not going to act like I know objectively, though, because I'm not a psychiatrist and I hate armchair diagnosing people. But in my opinion, having seen all the shit she's done my entire life and how much she hurt me, she's a psychopath to me.

Anyway. Happier stuff now. I wanted to go outside to read before the construction workers came out, but I was too late ;-; Wait, that's not happier. Uh, well, something neutral then. What I'm wearing. My Halloween/Michael Myers long-sleeved shirt and pyjama pants. The Hello Kitty pyjama pants I talked about a few days ago. Oh, and black socks. I feel this is the perfect representation of my personality. Horror-obsessed but also cute things-obsessed. Yesterday, I went to the art store. In the marker art supplies section, they have notebooks out for you to test the markers on. I wrote, "Go Vegan, Save the Earth" and wrote down some good resources. I didn't get all the resources I wanted down in time, but some of them were, "Watch the Dominion movie," "Ecosia," "Product Care Recycling," "Sustainable foraging." I hope somebody finds it and searches up what I wrote. Secret vegan activism! As always when I write or draw on the notebooks, I put "Lu" underneath. So, if someone who's reading this finds that in an art store notebook in the markers section, it was probably me!

So... I've been thinking about moss graffiti. I love guerrilla gardening and I love graffiti/street art. But I don't love the environmental damage it does. The solution to that? MOSS GRAFFITI! It's good for the environment, is much more noticeable/eye-catching than regular graffiti, and is easy to remove. So, I want to do moss graffiti somewhere... I don't know where. But I want to write the same thing I did on the notebook. "Go Vegan, Save the Earth." Because I think that's an important message and having that be written in moss would be really powerful for others to see, I think. So, since I know what I want to create, I just need to figure out a place.

Anyway! I need to go make two salads now. One for Bunny, one for me. We eat basically the same things (minus the hay and pellets), so it's real cool, I think. I don't know. It probably sounds real dumb, but there's a special feeling when you eat the same stuff as your animal friend. It's like you realize on a spiritual level they're not so different from humans and you gain a lot more respect and compassion.

Oh, and I hope August is a better month for everyone.

31st of July, 2020

8:58 p.m.: Instead of getting drunk, I'm stoned instead. Much better for Lucius. Anyway. For dinner, I had sauteed zucchini, mushrooms, and carrots.... and clovers! The flowers are tasty, they're a bit sweet. I want to try making clover tea. The zucchini was very big, so she made zucchini relish using the rest of it. I'm very sleepy but I want to stay up to finish the Wingnut Roundup. It's thundering again. It's been thundering for the past few days.

7:01 p.m.: I... want a pet pig. The only problem is that they're just as destructive brats as bunnies are, so I'd have to supervise two bratty creatures always looking for something to destroy. I mean, it's cute, I'd never get angry, but that's a lot of work. I heard pigs and bunnies get along quite well, too. Although if I were to ever get a pet pig, he'd have to be small so he doesn't accidentally crush Bunny. But oh my LORD, pigs are so adorable. I just wanna give a pig a big hug and pat their head and give them treats. So so cute!!!

ANYWAY. IT'S WINGNUT ROUNDUP TIME!!! GO WATCH IT IT'S JEFF HOLIDAY'S MONTHLY LIVESTREAM!! I always look forward to the Wingnut Roundup. But if you decide to check it out, as Jeff says, "Bring a drink, you'll need it." If it's still going on in an hour or two, I'll drink some myself. I know I shouldn't but I always drink watching this. It's like my little excuse to drink without feeling guilty for "relapsing" ;-;

5:47 p.m.: I found a cool site that lists vegan tattoo studios. I want to be a vegan tattoo artist. Meaning, my ink will be vegan, my soaps will be vegan, my razorblades will be vegan, and my design paper will be vegan. I don't think there's any vegan tattoo studios around here, so I'll have to request them to use vegan products (I'll even buy it for them) before I get them done. And I think there NEEDS to be a vegan tattoo studio because lots of vegans have tattoos or want them, so there should be a place for them to safely get it. And also if I'm going to be a tattoo artist, I DO NOT want to use anything with animal products since I'm vegan. I need my work to be vegan, too.

4:21 p.m.: I am crying. I am actually crying right now. I'm crying because I got to see these beautiful creatures for the first time. And my Lord, they are so beautiful. Like, so beautiful it actually has me crying. I was out foraging, although I didn't get very far because it started to rain. I gathered some clovers in a basket and that's all I managed to get before it started pouring (and probably thundering in a few minutes). While I was outside, I saw them. Hummingbird moths. They are not bees. They are not hummingbirds. They can easily be mistaken for both, but they're moths. And they're incredible. They fly so fast, it was hard to take a picture of one. All I could get were blurry ones and some videos. But oh my Lord, seeing those for the first time was just... amazing, honestly. There were three of them, just pollinating the garden. It was so beautiful and I feel everybody needs to see these in real life at least once. I have so much love in my heart for moths, they're one of my favourite animals. Just wow. Here's a blurry picture I took of one. You wouldn't believe how fast they were! I'd post one of the videos I took as it's much clearer to see, but I don't think you can upload videos on Neocities. Sorry.

3:24 p.m.: I'm back now. Mère said something very rude to me. I don't know why... It's so unlike the usual sweet Mère. And It hurts even more since she knows of my past history with it and how I almost died from it. I think I'm going to go back full-force on my asceticism practices now because I'm just full of so much self-hatred after what she said. I can't handle it.

Anyway. Happier things... I learnt about sustainable foraging. You can forage and not hurt the ecosystem, I learnt. Foraging edible weeds is good for the ecosystem and some plants respond postiviely to foraging, so it helps. But I must not take everything, I have to leave some stuff for the deers and bears and other wildlife. I read something that's very good idea. When you're foraging, throw a few berries around so they spread the seeds. Blow dandelions to spread their seeds. That way, more will grow for both myself and the animals later on. Oh, and bring a garbage bag with you to pick up any trash/litter. And cover up holes you dug when getting roots. I think I'll try foraging later today. Maybe in half an hour.

12:48 p.m.: I got ready by eleven a.m. because they told me we were leaving as soon as I was ready. But... Apparently they forgot to tell me that they changed it to one p.m. So. I've just been playing REmake since. It's so addictive. I love Resident Evil. I want to marry Leon Kennedy. But you already know that if you saw my Leon Kennedy shrine. He's so pure and he has a big heart, but he has a habit of going for unhealthy relationships. Stop chasing after Ada, it's unhealthy, Leon. ;-;

Anyway. I have to go now.

10:52 a.m.: It's almost August. Wack. 2020 has been a terrible year for... literally everyone on the planet. Anyway. I've been thinking about ex-vegans after watching The Vegan Zombie's video on Jon Venus. If you don't know, he was a self-proclaimed "ethical vegan" that became a hunter. I don't think he was ever an ethical vegan. Ever. I don't think any ex-vegans were vegan at all. They were plant-based. Because, here's the thing. All "ex-vegans" only cared about the health and fitness benefits. That's not veganism. Maybe the vegan diet, but not the lifestyle. The lifestyle is all about compassion for every animal. It's not about health or fitness, although that can be a reason you are vegan, it's not the main or sole reason. If you started out only caring about health, as you learn more, you start staying vegan for the animals/ethical reasons. If you were actually vegan, you would care about the animals. You would know everything about veganism. Knowing how much animals suffer, you would never ever stop being vegan... So you weren't vegan in the first place. You were plant-based. There's a difference.

Honestly, I don't care about Jon Venus. I never even heard of him until I watched The Vegan Zombie's videos on him. And he said it best... Nobody would give a shit that you're now a hunter if it wasn't for the fact you keep making up bullshit excuses and attacking vegans but then say anyone respectfully disagreeing and sharing their opposite opinion are "attacking" you. And the whole "I don't care" bullshit which obviously isn't true if you made two seperate videos on it and attacked everyone who respectfully disagreed with you. And also the fact that you're spreading misinformation and as an "influencer" (God, I hate that word), you are influencing everyone that watches your videos. There were people who subscribed to you about to become vegan and needed help and then you perpetuated a bunch of myths that are harmful and changed their mind. And also??? You're still trying to make money off vegans??? BY PLANNING THEIR MEALS?? First of all, if you planned your vegan diet so poorly that you were nutrient deficient, you should not be planning anyone else's meals, you dangerous twat. Veganism isn't dangerous if you plan it well. Even the American Dietetic Association says a well-planned vegan diet is suitable for everyone in all stages of life. So, you're just terrible at taking care of your health. You should not be planning others' meals, that's ACTUALLY DANGEROUS.

Anyway. I'm going out to town in a bit.

30th of July, 2020

8:48 p.m.: Hm... I'm thinking about starting to forage sometimes. Just for berries and fiddleheads and mushrooms and the like. I think it'd be fun. My only concern is... would foraging harm the wildlife? Like, the wild animals. Deer, for example. Would I be taking away some of their food sources and end up indirectly killing these innocent animals? I'll have to do more research on that. But the thought of foraging sounds so nice and peaceful. I kind of already do that. There's a bunch of wild raspberries and blueberries that I'd go eat all my life whenever I found them. I imagine foraging dandelions won't hurt any animals. They're so abundant that taking a few every now and then wouldn't really do anything. But berries and fiddleheads and mushrooms... More research needed before I decide!

3:33 p.m.: One thing that's always intrigued me is mummies that are tattooed. Seeing the tattoo still there, after thousands of years, is so incredible. Tattoos themselves are incredible. I'll never understand people that hate them. Why hate art? And why do tattoos always have to have some deep meaning? It's so dumb. If you want a tattoo of a rose just because you think it looks pretty, that's meaning enough. It's meaning enough that you find an artwork so gorgeous you want to have it on your body forever. Because that meaning means a lot already. There never has to be some deep sob story meaning behind a tattoo. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise, they're idiotic. And they shouldn't even give a shit in the first place what you're doing with your body. It's your body, not theirs, it doesn't affect anyone else at all. Get that tattoo if you want it and wear it with pride.


2:04 p.m.: For dinner, I'm having rice with fried peppers and celery. Because I love rice and I love vegetables. Chronic pain is bad. Not much has happened since except her friend left and I watched an older TREY video on pre-contact dogs. I learnt about sexually transmitted cancer/tumour in dogs from that video. Apparently, the tumour itself is an actual dog, weirdly. Even more weird is that it's the cells of a pre-contact dog. It's really interesting. Trey said it was kind of like the pre-contact dog's revenge. It is, when you think about it, it's kind of like a real-life curse. The pre-contact dog still lives on within that tumour and it spreads to the European dogs that killed all the pre-contact ones. Kind of metal. If you're wondering what happened to the pre-contact dogs, basically the same thing happened to the humans. The European dogs brought over diseases that the pre-contact dogs couldn't fight against. So they almost all died. Went extinct, pretty much all the breeds. It's very complex and I'm not good at describing things, so I won't get into the whole scientific talk of CTVT. You can go watch Trey's video if you're curious, it's a very good video. Like all of his videos.

Also, the idea of sexually transmitted cancer is absolutely terrifying. I'm so glad there's no human equivalent... yet. Shit's always evolving and adapting, so one day there might be a sexually transmitted cancer for humans. I hope I'm not still around when that happens. Normal cancer is terrifying enough, we don't need a contagious cancer.

Oh, her friend left us some carrot cake. Carrot cake is my favourite type of cake, but I'm not sure if it's vegan (probably not), so I can't have any ;-; It's such a tease. I want carrot cake...

11:14 a.m.: Another unbearably hot and humid day. Sigh. Thanks, Global Warming. I turned my fan on. I set it on the floor so Bunny can get most of the cool air. It's more important to cool her down than it is to cool myself down. She's covered in fur, after all.

10:26 a.m.: Well, I ended up falling asleep quickly, as I thought I would. Those damn antipsychotics... Anyway. Made my milkshake just now. Currently drinking it. It's seriously so good. I always say that because it's true. It's only made of three things, and those three things I obsess over. Bananas, almond milk, and matcha. I gave Bunny more basil last night. I put it in her salad. She got (romaine, aways) lettuce, celery, and basil. And a carrot. Mostly all green! Speaking of salads, I'm going to have one for breakfast in a bit. I don't put any dressings in my salad because I think dressings are gross. I just want my veggies with no disgusting sauce or whatever you'd classify it as ruining it. Also Trey (The Explainer) uploaded a new video!!!! Every time he uploads, I get so happy. His videos are so worth the wait. I love every single topic he covers... Paleontology, religious studies, cryptids, everything. He's one of my favourite YouTube channels. The new video is a cryptid profile!!!! I haven't watched it yet, I'm going to watch it in a few minutes. Super excited. Go check out Trey if you haven't already. Some of my other favourite YouTube channels are Religion for Breakfast (religious studies), Myles Power (chemist that debunks psuedoscience/quackery), Ben G Thomas (science and animals!!!), History with Hilbert (history), and Jeff Holiday (neuroscience student that debunks pseudoscience/quackery). What can I say? I just love to learn. There's so many things to learn and not even close to enough time in a lifespan (especially my shortened lifespan) to learn all of it ;-; But I make up for that by learning as much as I can right now! Oh, J.J. McCullough is pretty chill and we both hate Quebec with a passion. I like him. He covers a variety of topics, usually about politics and cultures and Canada and recently religious studies which is SUPER COOL as a religious studies nerd. Also he made a book of Canadian Pokemon. Because he's a cartoonist/artist as well. AND OH MY GOSH THEY'RE ALL SO CUTE!!! Except for the Trudeau one, I forget the name of that one. That one is gross for obvious reasons (Mr. Blackface Trudeau is a virtue signalling shit stain that fakes support for POC, disabled people, and LGBT people). But he made it intentionally gross for that reason. Anyway!!! Go check them all out if you've never heard of them before! They're all super cool!

I'm going to go watch the new Trey video now. c:

29th of July, 2020

10:40 p.m.: I helped Mère make strawberry jam. I took off all the green tops. Since she was up there beside me, I had to take both my medications. So... Whatever. I'm so tired. I don't think I'll be able to do it tonight because I took my medications that sedate me. But there's a severe thunderstorm right now. So maybe that'll keep me up.

8:54 p.m.: Octopi??? CAN DETACH THEIR TENTACLES LIKE A LIZARD CAN DETACH THEIR TAIL??? AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT SINCE MOST OF THEIR NEURONS ARE OUTSIDE OF THEIR BRAIN, THE DETACHED TENTACLE CAN MOVE ON ITS OWN??? HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THAT'S SO COOL. And some scientists cut off a tentacle from a dead octopus and froze it to see how long it would survive. They froze it for AN HOUR and yet the tentacle still reacted to stimuli. AND EVEN TRIED TO PICK UP FOOD TO PUT IT IN A PHANTOM MOUTH. ??????????????? WHY ISN'T THE OCTOPUS EVERYPONE'S FAVOURITE ANIMAL? After learning just this little information, they are my favourite. They are so freaking cool.

8:42 p.m.: Oh my GOD!!!!! I am losing my mind right now!!! I knew octopi were cool, but HOLY CRAP!!! I NEVER KNEW JUST HOW INTELLIGENT THEY WERE! I just learnt of an octopus caught on video sticking shells all over itself to use as a shield against a predator??? WICKED! And also that they've been caught THROWING SHELLS AND DEBRIS AT OTHER OCTOPI USING THEIR SIPHONS. THEY USE WEAPONS!!!! ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE??? And I just learnt of the Mimic Octopus!!!!!!! Which might be a new favourite animal :o but before I write about it here, I want to learn more about them because from all I've read so far, they are SO INCREDIBLE.

7:58 p.m.: Starting off my octopi obsession by learning about prehistoric octopi! Paleontology is already a special interest and starting from the beginning (that we know of, at least) makes it a logical place to start learning about them! Learning about Pohlsepia right now. All the illustrations of what Pohlsepia might've looked like are super super cute, oh my gosh. He's just a wittle baby... so small... I love him...

4:08 p.m.: My ear piercings are very irritated because I keep sleeping on my side. I don't know how to stop. I wake up throughout the night to a sharp pain in my ear and then realize it's because I'm sleeping on it. But then I fall right back asleep and then end up turning over to my side again in my sleep and I wake up again and repeat. And now they're red and hurt so so much ;-; I'm really scared they're going to get infected. I don't know how to stop sleeping on my side!!!! AH!! I'm so dumb. Oh! I have an idea! I'll try surrounding myself in a mountain of pillows before I go to bed so I'm forced to stay on my back! I hope it works.

Not much has happened today. I'm drinking my green juice right now. So yummy. I tried drawing for a bit but got frustrated and stopped. Played REmake some more. Now I'm off to the Arklay Laboratory. I played some Minecraft, too. Made a new BYG (Biomes You'll Go) survival world. Built a mushroom house in Creative as well as a pink terracotta house. I'm going to go groom Bunny again now and then play some REmake. Then learn about octopi!!!!

11:20 a.m.: I forgot to take my morning medications last night. That was accidental. I didn't take my antipsychotics last night. That was purposeful. I did take my other night medication, though, I took the other antidepressant. It's supposed to be both a second antidepressant and a sleeping pill, but it doesn't work as a sleeping pill. I find my antipsychotics make me sleep, though. They sedate me severely, and not in a good recreational way.

That being said, I fell asleep quickly last night. I didn't do what I was going to do, what I said on the Ghost page. Not tonight because I know I'm going to fall asleep again. Whenever I feel more energized, I'll do it.

I gave Bunny basil for the first time. I was worried she wouldn't like it because it smells so strong, but she loves it!!! She devoured it almost instantly. Like she does with bananas c: I'm drinking my matcha almond banana milkshake right now. I have it every morning since I learnt about the recipe. I really like it. I really love the colour green. Whenever I see something that's green, I love it. Whenever I see food that's green, I really want to eat it. Vegetables, matcha. Green = yummy. Except watermelons. Watermelon is disgusting. I used to love it, but as I got older, it started making me physically sick. Like, vomiting and also it hurts to eat. I don't know why.

I'm doing OK. This morning is OK. I kind of lost my mind yesterday a tiny bit, but I'm better now. But I'm still not taking my antipsychotics because I still don't trust them. Maybe I'm just being delusional and maybe I'll snap out of it in a few days. Doubt it, though. What's more likely to happen is I have a scary hallucination and decide to start taking them again because I'm scared of my brain. But I'll still be scared of the people that prescribe them.

Wearing. I'm supposed to talk about that every first entry of the day. Well, I'm wearing black skinny jeans. Black long-sleeved Pennywise shirt. I really love this shirt. I'll probably post a picture later of it. But it's currently covered in bunny fur because I was grooming her before I wrote this entry.

Plans for today... Play more REmake. Then Minecraft. Then finally allow myself to hyperfixate on octopi. I want to learn everything possible about octopi. I still need to make a paleontolgy shrine. Then I'll probably need to make an octopi shrine!

28th of July, 2020

8:53 p.m.: Hm. I've been thinking about something I overheard when I was fourteen. I heard my parents talking. My father just got home. Mother was home already. They both sounded stressed. I didn't hear all of it, but the gist of what I heard is that something bad happened. Something they said would get him in trouble if anyone ever found out. And something about burying something so people never find it. My father said he had already done that, he had already buried it. I don't know what it is. I don't know what he buried. I haven't talked about it to anyone except for my girlfriend at the time. I told her about it the night I overheard their conversation, and she said it was nothing and not to think about it. Girl, what? You really don't think that's strange? Ugh, it irritated me so much, but I just pretended to stop thinking about it like she told me to do. I guess now whoever is reading this knows about it, too. I often wonder what it is. Ever since, I've had the urge to go dig around and try to find wherever it was buried. At first I assumed he hit an animal, but why would an animal get him in severe trouble? So... I would be lying if I said a part of me doesn't think he might've hit a human being. But I don't know. I'm not going to tell the police because what's the point? I have no evidence. But God, would I love for him to be locked up in jail. He deserves it for all the pain he's caused Mother.

2:50 p.m.: Every day, my hatred for people without schizophrenia grows more and more. I can't help it. Maybe when they stop calling us slurs and abusing us and fetishizing us at the same time I'll stop hating them. But they'll never stop, so my hatred will continue to grow and I will keep isolating myself further and further away from all of them and therefore society in general as well as the psych ward. OH, scary schizophrenics will turn into serial killers if not in the pysch ward or heavily medicated!!! Well, that's not true, but let's pretend it is for a minute. Your fault for abusing us :) Anyway. I'm going to stop taking my antipsychotics. I'll start throwing them in the trash. Because I don't fucking trust these stupid fucks who prescribe them. They're not schizophrenic, so I don't trust them. They have ulterior motives. A.K.A. Make schizophrenics think they're "psycho" (because they love calling us schizophrenic slurs) so that non-schizophrenics can continue to abuse us and we'll just accept it because we think we're so crazy the abuse is just the illness when it's not.

1:26 p.m.: So... Why exactly did humans stop building trap rooms? Screw alarms and locks, bring back trap rooms!!!!!!

12:20 p.m.:

(Vegan) Kimchi!!!!!! c: I put a lot of chives in there because I love chives. I'm going to eat some for dinner. I tasted it this morning, it's super good already. It's because it's been so hot here lately that it fermented quicker than usual. I love kimchi so much.

9:52 a.m.: Mimikyu says, "Goodmorning!" We woke up at 7 a.m., but I feel like I just woke up. I'm sleepy. I played REmake for an hour and a half. Then I had my banana chia pudding and my banana + almond milk + matcha milkshake. So many bananas this morning! I'm still drinking the milkshake. It's seriously so good, I'm obsessed with it. In this playthrough, I'm at the Guardhouse Residence. Just finished draining the Aqua Ring. Not going to lie, it still freaks me out. It's probably the only part of the game that actually scares me. I'm not scared of sharks, but I'm scared of all the water. Too much water freaks me the heck out. Like, even after draining the Aqua Ring, when there's just water dripping down from the cieling, it scares the shit out of me because I'm paranoid I'm going to drown. And it's like!!!! IT'S A GAME, LUCIUS!!!! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DROWN THROUGH A SCREEN! But I'm still worried anyway ;-; I didn't learn about octopi when I said I would. Ocopti. Octopuses. Octopodes. I think the correct one is octopodes since it's a Greek word, not a Latin one, but whatever. I'll call it octopi because that's what most people understand. And octopuses just sounds bad. I got distracted with other stuff. I still want to hyperfixate on them. I think I will today. I still don't understand why my ocean-fearing self is suddenly wanting to get obsessed with octopi. But, I mean. They're so cool??? I think it's because of the piercer telling me about his octopus tattoo he was getting work done for on his chest. Yes, that must be it, because since then I've been thinking about how cool octopi are. Anyway. Back to REmake! REmake seriously has so much replay value. Absolutely fantastic game. Gosh, I love Resident Evil so so so so so much. If you've never played a RE game before 1. How??? 2. WHY NOT??? 3. GO PLAY AN RE GAME RIGHT NOW. PREFERABLY REmake!!!

I've been trying to experiment more with building on my flat creative world. I have to follow tutorials. Once I follow a tutorial, I can remember how to do it, but I don't understand how people can learn how to build on their own?? It always looks so bad when I try to build something original, but I really wish I could. I think the problem is there's basically an infinite amount of options when building and it overwhelms me. I really want to do a megabuild, or just make a giant custom map, like I see a whole bunch of others do. But it's so hard ;-; It takes not only so much skill, but a near-Godly amount of patience. I've always lacked patience. I'm quick to give up. But seeing all these megabuilds is so inspiring!!!! So maybe if I continue following tutorials for "simple" small builds, I'll be able to make my own megabuild one day. Hopefully!

27th of July, 2020

8:32 p.m.: I took my night medications. I took more of my antispsychotics than usual. I don't know if I was supposed to. I don't think I was because it was the only one that had the two pills, all the other dates had only one antipsychotic. But I took it anyway and didn't mention it to her. I'll be fine. I might get a bit sick since the antipsychotics always make me sick when my dosage is increased. But I'll be fine. The most that'll happen is I'll vomit. I didn't take my morning medications the past few days. Not continously. One day taken them in between the days haven't been taken. It was accidental. I took them today, though. I feel alone. I hate this illness. Schizophrenia sucks. Why do I have to have it. Soil hasn't talked to me in a long time. That's good. I found a social media I used to have back then when I was 12-14 and Soil was talking to me. It was terrifying to brwse through. I threw him away but sometimes I get scared he's angry and he's trying to find me and he will one day find me and he will hurt me. But he's not real. So it's fine. I'm fine. As long as I keep taking my antipsychotics, he won't come back.

6:43 p.m.: I had a fairly nasty CSA "flashback", or whatever you'd call it, I don't educate myself on shit. And I think it's over now. But my heart is still beating quite fast and I'm still having trouble breathing. But I'm trying not to think about it now and it's working. I just wish my body would calm down like my mind. I don't understand why my mind is now fine but my body is still freaking out. Not thinking about it but. Just sad now. Sad emotinally but my body is still scared. I'd like to just disappear. I don't trust anyone. I want to get away from everybody. I want to go run away into the forest and never come back. Never be found. I don't care if I die in the forest or live in there. I just want to stay away from all these scary humans. Okay, maybe my mind isn't as calm as I thought it was. But it's not as bad as it as before I started writing here. I'm not sure what to do about this. Sleep. I want to sleep but I don't want to upset Mère.

I went and cleaned my ear piercings. I don't think it helped. Now I'm thinking about how I'm not good for society. I should be locked into the loony bin for the rest of my life. I don't know if what they said is true, but if it is, I should be locked up. I should be locked up anyway because a part of me doubts my own beliefs and perception of what happened, and thinks maybe she is right. And all the others. I should be locked up. I want to admit myself into the psych ward. I wonder if they will let me stay for life if I asked. But is that really the best option? Because I can hurt someone in the psych ward. I will cost money and time and work. I will still be a burden to society. So I should kill myself, right? That's the best option, I think? I don't really want to, though, not right now. I want to go back to the psych ward. I hate it there and the staff is mean. I want to go back. Put me in the room all by myself. Give me disgusting food three times a day. Have a sitter who watches me sleep and follows me to the bathroom and shower. Force medicate me. Put me in a straitjacket just to be safe. Constantly monitor me with both the sitter and securit cameras. Don't let me use any metal utensils to eat and watch me even with plastic ones and don't give me pencils because I'll do the same thing. Bombard me with therapists and psychiatrist appointment three times a day on the weekdays, not on the weekends because they don't work then. That's where I belong. I belong in the psych ward for the rest of my life.

3:50 p.m.: I wrote a rant. Deleted it before posting. It was just a pointless, stupid rant about stupid people promoting stupid stuff. I'm so tired. I want to sleep, but I'm not allowed. I built a greenhouse in Minecraft and made a nice outdoor garden outside of it. Creative world. Then I tried making a pink house. It looked bad. I don't know how to stop being tired. I already have a bunch of nicotine and caffeine in my system. It's not doing anything. Although nicotine is a strange drug, isn't it? At first, it's a stimulant, but once you're addicted to it, it becomes more of a depressant. And I'm addicted to it. Obviously. But nicotine addiction is nothing to me with all the other shit I've been through. Just saying that it doesn't wake me up like a long time ago when I wasn't addicted. Caffeine should still work, though? And it's not. Played more REmake before I started playing Minecraft, it was earlier this morning. I can't believe it's this late already. It's 4:07 p.m. now (because I wrote the timestamp when I started my deleted rant). My energy level is at, like, 30%. I should change my HP Bar on the Ghost page to that. Bunny has a new hobby of throwing her litter box around. Woke me up a few times during the night. Silly little marshmallow, she is. Well, she's quite a big marshmallow, I suppose. Silly big marshmallow. Anyway. I'm going to go try to wake myself up.

1:45 p.m.: One of the many songs I added to the music player today is Hostile by daniels gone. It's still one of my favourite songs of all time. I love daniels gone's work so much, he's such an underrated musician. The album it's from, Infinite Circle, is an actual masterpiece, in my opinion. My favourite lyrics from Hostile are:

Everybody linked in chains / Diamonds fake and rusting rings / I'm so sick of everything / Homophobic freaks / Everybody brings you down

I don't want to hate the pain / Cherish everything / Made me who I am today, I'm still learning, have no shame / I know you can't take the hate / Bottle everything / Do not spread that fucking hate / Everybody points the blame

If somebody's reading this, please go check out daniels gone. He's so underrated. His music isn't for everyone, and it might take some listening before you get used to his style, but his work is INCREDIBLE. FOR REAL.

1:31 p.m.: The white vision has been worse than usual lately. I don't faint. My vision just flashes completely white. It doesn't happen in specific situations. It happens randomly. When I'm laying down, when I'm sitting down, when I'm standing up, when I'm walking, it just happens for no reason. No, I haven't told the doctor, and I refuse to. It's probably nothing. I already have too many problems. I don't want another diagnosis. It's more annoying than anything, but when it happens a lot in a short period of time, I kind of get used to it. It last happened right before I started this entry. When I searched it up, I saw people saying it's blood not getting to your brain. That's fucking awesome. More brain damage! Just what I need!

1:06 p.m.: Changed the music player skin to a black-and-purple one. Added more music to it. Al just left.

10:26 p.m.: I'm actually crying from laughing so hard. Holy crap. This is the weirdest "horror" game ever. Oh my GOD. "After five years in prison, that sheep is looking really good. Like, really really attractive. Just look at her, walking through the grass, shaking her ass." WHAT THE FUCK??? I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. IT WAS SO RANDOM AND SO FUCKING WEIRD. Are you telling me five years in prison makes you a zoophile??? OH MY GOD.

26th of July, 2020

8:57 p.m.: I got a bit upset, but didn't show it. They told me about a big moth they found inside the bathroom and how they killed it. Like, what? They know how much I love moths... I show them pictures all the time of beautiful giant moths and talk about how much I love them. Why the fuck would you tell me that you killed one? Literally it's not hard at all to keep it between the two of you. Why would you go out of your way to make sure I know you killed a beautiful innocent creature. I know they were purposly trying to make me upset. And, well, it worked, because I'm super upset. Not only did they not have to tell me, but if they were planning on telling me, why not tell me when it was alive so I could go save it??? HOW HARD IS IT TO LET A MOTH BACK OUTSIDE??? NOT HARD AT ALL. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. If you're that scared of a fucking moth, why would you go near it to kill it anyway??? Why not let Moth Boy handle it??? Dear Lord. I don't want to fucking know you killed one. You know it wouldn't make me feel good. So why??? TELL ME??? Why not just spare both of our time and NOT tell me??? IT LITERALLY TAKES LESS EFFORT THAN TELLING ME!!! Why do people continously try to fucking upset me! Why do they always tell me that they kill the things they know I love with all my heart! Everyone has always done this! With everything! Oh, this autistic boy has a special interest and loves something very dearly and always gushes about it? Let's tell him about how shit it is and how much I hate them and how I killed one!! Let's make him fucking depressed!!!! Let's emotionally abuse an autistic person because that's so fucking funny!!! I love treating autistic people like shit!!! Like, fuck off. Why are allistics so fucking cruel. Why can't they have any shred of decency. What the fuck. I want to cry.

6:20 p.m.: Oh my... The Shore, a game based on Lovecraft... The demo looks real promising. It's not perfect, but HOLY SHIT does it look good and give me hope that this will actually be a good Lovecraft game. I can't believe it's mainly made by only two people??? WOW! And OH MY GOD, THE MONOLITH SCENE IS SO GORGEOUS. ALSO NOT GOING TO LIE CTHULHU LOOKS KIND OF HOT IN THIS GAME. I think I have a problem. I don't think it's normal to think any model of Cthulhu is attractive at any level. I should not want to fuck an octopus monster. But, man, his body... The rest of his body is kind of hot. Like, he's not a bloated humanoid like the usual models of him, he's pretty damn buff. Just ignore the octopus head and dragon wings. Or maybe you're a monster-fucker and are into that sort of thing and it makes it better. I'd personally pass on that, though. The dragon wings are fine, not so much the octopus head. I'd awaken Cthulhu any day if he looked like that. I can't believe I'm actually writing that I find a version of Cthulhu attractive. What the fuck is wrong with me and what has this site devolved into. I should show myself out now.

Oh, here's the fundraiser. Go support them please so I can get more of that sexy Cthulhu. Thanks. Also, if they reach a certain goal they'll let you play as Cthulhu :o If I had the money, I'd donate all of it.

2:29 p.m.: Hm... People came over. I know I should be upstairs with Mère since it's her birthday, but I'm not comfortable with that many people. I hope she understands. Mère made strawberry jam! Two jars! They look so yummy, but I haven't tried it yet. I probably won't today. Um. I feel really bad. I'm not going to talk about why. For safety reasons. Anyway. I'm probably going to start using my asceticism page again. It's broken because I haven't updated it. It still has an old layout. The general mood today is... not good. I'm trying to disrtact myself, but again, I just have no energy to distract myself. I've been brushing Bunny a lot since she's moulting. It's calming for both of us. But she doesn't like it when I brush her sides. She doesn't like when I pet there, either, but I need to brush there to make sure she doesn't get hairballs. But when I'm brushing her forehead or straight down her back, she's happy. She "purrs".

What I'm doing right now is listening to music. I'm really tired and sad. I just want to sleep, but I don't want to upset Mère, so I can't. I don't know how to be happy when all my usual distractions aren't working. I feel like I'm never actually happy unless I'm on drugs. I'm just distracting myself or lying. Usually both. Don't be fooled by the happier tone here than what I was writing at home. Because I still want to die every day and I still have no energy and I still cry constantly. I had a scare not too long ago. I thought she was back. When I get terrified like that, I taste blood in my mouth. I'm not sure why. It's always been like that. Maybe I bite my tongue or cheek really hard and it starts bleeding and I don't notice.

I don't know anymore when I think it's her, if it's from trauma or if it's schizophrenic delusions. Because she fucked me up so much. She took advantage of my schizophrenia. So I really don't know anymore. Nothing feels real. Right now, everything feels fake, but not that much. Sometimes, I feel nothing is real nor fake. I just don't feel anything, like I'm not here. I'm not here, I'm not real, so why care if anything around me is real? It's not like I'm a real person, you know... Ghost stuff. Nothing here in this world should concern me, so I don't think about it. I'm just a spectator. See life from another perspective, without any limitations, but the cost is that I don't feel it. I don't think about anything. But I never think about anything, really. That's why I do so much stupid shit.

I've been thinking about my father. Nothing good. Just about the bad things. Which is pretty much all I know of him. I keep thinking about everything he called me. "A worthless idiot that does nothing and deserves nothing." I don't know why I'm thinking about him since I haven't seen him in a long time now. Ranting to me about how much he hated Mother and calling her a bitch. I'm still hurt by when Mother said that it's my fault he abuses her. She basically said I'm such a burden that it stresses my father out so much, he takes his frustrations out on her. Later, she lied to me and said she never said that. She says that about all the mean things she's done or said to me... Always have, even before I got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Ever since I was diagnosed, she uses that to gaslight me. She doesn't even say, "I'm sorry if you believe I did/said that." She just gets angry and blames me and says I'm selfish and want to hurt her. It really hurts. I'd never want to hurt her. I know I did sometimes, but I didn't mean to. I always stood up for her when my sister and my father were hurting her. I dealt with the consequences of standing up for her. And yet to her, I'm just as bad as them... I want to cry. "You never try," like I'm not the one trying my hardest. Always. I know my best is not enough, but can't anyone at least praise me for trying? I always do everything for everyone else and yet I'm always called selfish. And maybe they're right. I don't know. I always believe I'm selfish. I don't know if I believe that right now. Right now, I think I give people so much just to get hurt. I'm crying now. I want to die. I'll never make it out of here. I'm smoking so much trying to become happy but it's not working. Please, just make me happy and take the pain away already. I'm so desperate for it to stop. I want to cut again but I know I shouldn't. I want to kill myself but it's her birthday and I don't want her birthday to be marked by my suicide. I know my family wants me to die, but not Mère. Mère is the only one that cares about me. The rest of my family wants me dead. They've told me so. So many times I've heard, "I hope you die," "I don't give a shit what happens to you." I feel like every time life gives me something good and I start to get hope, God just rips it all away in the most violent and destructive manner. And I just feel fucking worse. I feel like hope is a bad thing that only hurts me more. Why did God give me A just to let that happen? I feel so alone all the time. It was all my fault. I need to continue isolating myself because I'll never change and I don'twant to take the chance of that ever happening again. I'll never get over him. I just want him back. I want to restart. I want him back and I want to be able to do everything right this time. No more dumping my problems on him. No more letting him find out about my suicide attempts. No more getting angry at him for him talking to other people. No more of any of that. I still remember the last thing he said to me. He was talking about Lil Peep. Then he disappears for a few days, I didn't think anything of it but I missed him, just thought he was busy. Then he posts a video on Snapchat at the train tracks saying goodbye and then I find out on the news he jumped in front of a fucking train. I can't even say, "Why didn't you talk to me," because he did. He told me about everything. And yet I was so selfish, I didn't help him properly.

Mère came downstairs to tell me Al is getting started on my kimchi. Thankfully, she didn't open the door. I should go upstairs now to help her but I can't. Because I'm still crying, I can't stop. I look like total shit. Even if I stopped crying, it'd be a while until it looked like I haven't been sobbing. I need to stop now. They'll be angry at me if I don't help. I'm going to stop writing now so I can try to stop sobbing and go upstairs.

12:02 p.m.: Mère's birthday reminds me how soon my birthday is. The only good part of turning 18 is that older men will no longer say, "I want to date you, but that's illegal." And also I can finally get Grindr! Although, maybe not, because I've heard it's mainly for hookups/sex and not long-term relationships. And I'm what the kids call a "prude". But, all I really want is a husband and I can stay with forever ;-; Finding gay or bisexual men is next to impossible where I live. So, apps like Grindr are pretty much a necessity if you want to find gay/bisexual men anywhere in this province. I want a husband so badly but I doubt it'll ever happen because no one loves like I do. Nobody is serious. Nobody would kill for love. It's all just about sex and that breaks my heart. Everyone's idea of true love is just sex and distancing yourself from them as much as possible. Nobody seems to share my definition of it, of always being together 24/7, of "stalking" and possessiveness. But whatever. I would never date someone who didn't share my definition of love because it'd be an unhealthy relationship, I understand that. But I hate it when people say that a relationship where both people share that definition of love is unhealthy because it's associated with abusive behaviours. It's so harmful to people actually in abusive relationships and are actually victims of stalking. It's literally no different than saying putting a blindfold on your partner during sex (when they consent) is rape because some rapists do that. You're missing the whole consent part. If two adults are happy and consenting in a relationship, no matter how "weird" you may think some of their behaviours are, it's not abuse. I genuinely hate people like that as a victim of CSA and stalking. Stop comparing my trauma to that when you've never even been traumatized in your entire life, you privileged close-minded twat! GOD, and I hate it when people tell me that "That's the wrong way of coping with trauma," like shut the fuck up! There's no "right" or "wrong" way of coping with trauma as long as you're not hurting someone! LIKE YOU ARE HURTING ME! YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING THERAPIST SO SHUT UP! Stop fucking guilting survivors!!! That's literally emotional abuse, you hypocrite!!!

Agh. Anyway. How do I always find a way to make something negative. I made the matcha + coconut milkshake. But I used almond milk instead of coconut milk. It's still super good anyway!! Very frothy, too. I got way more matcha than needed, so I'm going to be drinking a lot of matcha. I haven't tried the strawberry shortcake yet, I think we're saving it for dinner.

Um, that's right, I'm supposed to talk about what I'm wearing to balance the negative things out. Well, I'm wearing my HEALTH shirt. The Coming Attractions one. This one. And my overall shorts. And black knee-high socks, as always. All my socks are like that. Well, I have a few pairs that aren't black but they're still knee-high because autism. The other socks I have... one is Friday the 13th/Jason Voorhees socks, the other red-and-black Victorian ones. I really love my Jason Voorhees socks. They're so warm and they look cool as heck. I have a lot of slasher/horror icons merch c: I have a Pennywise chia pet, for example! And two of my favourite shirts, both are similar styles, long-sleeved stereotypical streetwear style, one's Halloween/Michael Myers and the other is Pennywise. I also have Jason Voorhees boxers because... why not? I'm obsessed with horror. I think that's obvious. I'm going to go play Minecraft now. Hardcore world this time!!! Need to finish my enchanting table room (need more bookshelves), enchant my gear, then off to the Nether I go to get some Ancient Debris!!! NEED NETHERITE before I attempt killing the Ender Dragon on Hardcore.

10:54 a.m.: YAY!!! IT IS VEGAN! I heard her say so c: SUPER HAPPY!! I GET STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!! Also, apparently Al woke up from hearing Bunny last night, lol. She was playing with her baby rattle. She bites it, shakes it, then throws it at the ground and then picks it up again and repeats the playing. It's super cute to watch. Apparently Olive was curious what that sound was and was standing at my door. I always keep the door closed, though. Olive is a sweet dog but dogs are dogs and most dogs will naturally try to hurt a bunny. It's not something you blame a dog for if the dog hurts a bunny. It's on you for letting the dog get close to the bunny. Dogs don't know better. So I always have the door closed when she's here to be safe.

I'm trying to make an Acadian port village in my Creative Minecraft world. Since I deleted Tumblr, I don't have a place to share what goes on in my Minecraft world. I think I might make a page on here for it now.

9:59 a.m.: Today is Mère's birthday. She doesn't really want to celebrate it, but Al is making a cake. She asked me if I liked strawberry shortcake, I said, "Yes," and that's what she's making. I should've said no because I don't know if she's making a vegan version or not ;-; And I'd feel really guilty for turning it down... But what if it's not vegan??? It's making me so anxious. I think I'll just continue to say, "I'll have it later," and never have it. To make it believeable, I might take a slice and throw it outside. GOD I FEEL SO TERRIBLE ABOUT THINKING ABOUT WASTING IT. Why did I say yes... I should've pretended I hated it...

She's using the strawberries we got from Memramcook yesterday. There's a U-pick there that we went to.

I should probably clarify that despite her making vegan recipes with me, Al is not vegan. Sh, her husband, is vegetarian, though, so that's why she eats and makes a lot of vegetarian and vegan foods. She doesn't eat much meat, though. She rarely eats meat and only specific kinds. Anyway. I need to take a shower. I'll write more later.

25th of July, 2020

5:52 p.m.: HOLY CRAP! For dinner, I had that vegan ramen I said Al was going to make today. IT IS SO FREAKING GOOD!!!! I LITERALLY CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW GOOD IT IS. She sent me the link to the recipe and I am posting it to the veganism page ASAP because it is JUST THAT GOOD and YOU NEED TO TRY IT. It tastes sweet but spicy at the same time and also like vegetables (because you use a lot of vegetables). The broth is so good on its own that you literally don't even need the noodles. Just vegetables in that broth would be SOOOO good. I am being 100% serious here, this is probably now one of my favourite foods. Like, it's just that good. Damn. Please try it or you're missing out!! I'll link it to the veganism page now under the 'My Alternatives' tab.

5:19 p.m.: OH! I can't believe I forgot to write this down earlier, but while I was out, I saw a lady who looked so freaking cool! Her hair!!!! WAS SO PRETTY!!! She had box braids and they were both WHITE and BLACK and it was just so cool. Probably the coolest hair I've ever seen.

Oh, I also went to Memramcook. It's an Acadian village. It's very pretty. You see our flags all over the places, painted onto buildings and random places, as well as our stars. Our flag is the French flag but with a yellow star in the corner. The star is called the Stella Maris. Star of the Sea. Mary. She's the patron of mariners, which is a big part of Acadian culture. Everything is nautical in the Acadian areas. They also had some pride flags painted in random places.

3:24 p.m.: I went out again. I got matcha. A little boy saw me carrying Mimikyu in the store and started hopping and pointing at me, exclaiming to his parents, "Look! He has a Mimikyu!" I didn't know what to say, so I just gave him a nod. I hate children, but that was honestly adorable. I'm glad it made him happy to see Mimikyu. He probably thinks I'm a real life Pokémon trainer, lol.

Al is making a recipe she's been wanting to try later today. It's some vegan ramen recipe. She said I can try some.

I need to go to the dentist really badly ;-; A few months ago, my filling slowly but surely started falling out, and it really hurt. I know I should've gone to the dentist then, but obviously they weren't open. Now, it hurts 100x more and I can barely eat anything. The filling is pretty much entirely gone now. Luckily, they're open now for appointments. I just imagine the waiting list will be very long... I might have to go on a liquid diet until I can see the dentist, but even liquids hurt if they're too cold or too hot ;-;

Oh, I was supposed to stay sober for the blood test, but I was in so much pain last night, I gave up and got stoned. But I ended up sleeping through it, so I regret it. I hate sleeping through my high. It makes me feel like I wasted precious weed.

I played REmake before I went to sleep. That's the Resident Evil Remake. I'm going to go play it again now. I'm so addicted to RE. I can play it over and over and over again and never get tired of it.

11:09 a.m.: "Goodmorning," Mimikyu says. I don't respond to him , but I say to "them", "I'm not fucking delusional. I know you're the same person pretending to be multiple people so you can hurt me. But guess what? It's not going to work this time. I've already been through this. Fuck you." But "they'll" never hear it. So whatever. I say that in my mind where it's safe. And on here, I suppose.

Anyway. I had the banana chia pudding this morning. It's very filling, I feel like I won't be hungry for the next century. Is it good? Yes, I think so. Al thought so, too, but she said she'd personally add a sweetener like maple syrup in it. Maple syrup is a good vegan alternative to honey, I love maple syrup. But it doesn't taste like honey and I'm obsessed with honey ;-; I heard agave nectar is the closest to honey, so I want to switch over to that. People say it's terrible for your health, but when has that stopped me? It's not like I care about health. I only care about not hurting animals. I believed for the longest time the propaganda honey companies push of bees being happy and making bees for humans, but I learnt recently that it's not true at all, and it breaks my heart with how much I love bees. They keep them in factory farms, basically. Bees have emotional states, they get sad and happy, and they keep them in horrible conditions and so many of them don't survive. I love watching the big bees outside in the garden. They make me really happy. They are happy, too, like all bees should be.

Not much has happened so far today because I didn't wake up early. Well, I did. Multiple times. Bunny kept jumping up on my bed and getting in my face. I didn't know what she wanted, so I kept giving her kisses then putting her on the boxspring before falling back asleep. Once I finally woke up for real, I felt super bad when I realized why she was doing that. I forgot to feed her last night so she was super hungry ;-; I'm a bad Bunny Father. Usually she just jumps up on my bed to wake me up because she wants attention.

I decided that the first entry of every day, I will write whatever I'm wearing currently. Not because I think it's interesting, but to balance out whatever negative things I say and also to distract myself from writing more negative things. But I only brought a few clothes over, so I'll probably be repeating myself until I go home. Anyway. Right now, I'm still wearing pyjama pants. Fuzzy black-and-pink Hello Kitty pyjama pants. The one that girl gave me when I was 10, if I remember correctly. I still have the top, too, but I didn't bring it. I'm just wearing a black xxxTentacion shirt right now. I don't like "his" new posthumous music, but I love his older stuff. A and I used to listen to him together constantly.

I forgot to take my morning medication yesterday. I will go take them now.

24th of July, 2020

7:48 p.m.: We have to keep the pudding in the fridge for six hours before it's ready. So, I'll have it for breakfast tomorrow. Super excited!!! It smells sooo good. All that's required is almond milk, bananas, and chia seeds! Mash the bananas, then pour it into the almond milk and chia seeds and stir! Real simple! Even I, Mr. Burns-soup-in-the-microwave, could probably make that on my own! I wrote a bunch of stuff here, but deleted it. I deleted it before posting. I don't know why I bother to mention when I delete things. Basically all I wrote was about extremely negative and triggering personal issues and now having written it I feel like shit. It didn't help to write it out. It just turned my good mood into a bad one. I'm going to go take my night medications now and sleep before I vomit all over the place.

4:09 p.m.: Before I left, I added some vegan memes to the veganism page. I'm not knowledgable on memes, so they're probably very "cringe," as the kids say. I also don't use Instagram or Twitter, so I just searched up "vegan memes", read the watermarks, went to the meme creator's pages and picked from there.

Anyway, back now from the grocery store. OH MY LORD!!! The cashier was drop-dead gorgeous. I'm so glad I was wearing a mask because I couldn't stop smiling at how beautiful he was. Gosh, men are just so gorgeous and I love them... What the heck... Why are men so beautiful... It should be illegal... I wanted to tell him that since he looked so sad and it must be stressful working as a cashier in the middle of a pandemic (especially around here where everyone's a Karen), but I thought it would be weird, so I didn't. I really hate that men aren't allowed to be platonically complimented. And I hate that it stops me from complimenting men. It's so dumb. Compliments make people feel better. What harm would come from a man saying to another man, "You're really pretty!" Nothing except the reaction of people who enforce gender roles and are homophobic, which sadly is most people. Especially around here. Sigh. I just want to improve a man's day with a friendly compliment, that's all. Much harder when you're gay because people think any compliment means, "Let's fuck." Like, no, I don't want to fuck your homophobic ass. I'd rather stay as far away as possible, thanks. LOL. Like, even just telling friends you're gay makes them think that you want to fuck them. Anyway.

I got the stuff to make the banana chia pudding! I'm going to go make it after this entry. We couldn't find matcha at the grocery store, but that's OK because I know where to get it and I'll get it tomorrow. I also got... sweet potato noodles! NOW, I deleted the Potato Hate Page, but I still hold those opinions. Potatoes should be illegal and everyone who likes them don't deserve rights (I'm not actually serious, don't worry). But I LOVE sweet potatoes! Those are the only good potatoes! These are vegan and sound so so yummy, these noodles. I'm going to eat them with kimchi c: I also got Bolthouse Farm's Green Goodness beverage. Gosh, those are SO YUMMY!! Their carrot juice is also super yummy! I need to add those to the veganism page. And Monster Ultra. Although, in Europe, Monster Ultra isn't vegan. Sorry EU vegan friends.

11:11 a.m.: I'm thinking of leaving Neocities for a web hosting service that is carbon negative (or just more eco-friendly). But the thing is I'd have to pay for it, which I don't mind, but my family would know, so it'd have to wait until I'm in a much better headspace (if I ever get there). I've been trying to reduce my digital carbon footprint as much as I can and I know this website isn't very good for that, probably. But it's probably better than using a bunch of other social media like Instagram or Tumblr or whatever. Just sticking with this for nearly everything (well, this and Listography) is probably better than that. But still, I want to do better eventually because what I'm doing now is not enough. I recently learnt of Ecosia, so I switched over to that. So far, I'm responsible for planting eight trees. YAY! That's not a lot, but that's still eight more trees in this world!!! On average, you need around 45 searches to plant one tree. It's so neat, and they're carbon negative, not just neutral. They're entirely run on solar panels, and since they plant trees, that means they're CARBON NEGATIVE! They also post updates on planting trees. Oh, and they actually give people in poverty good, steady, well-paying jobs, so it helps everyone c: They're very transparent with what they do. Go check them out if you haven't!

I think it was a few months ago now, where I vented about how hypocritical I am and how guilty I feel for destroying the environment, but I felt there was nothing I could do. Well, I learnt there are ways to help now, Ecosia being one of many ways, so I don't feel as guilty about it anymore. But I still need to do much more! It's people like those that support and run Ecosia that give me hope that not all humans are bad and help me know there are things I can do to be better.

Have I ever talked about how much I love trees here before? I've always loved trees a lot. That probably sounds weird, but even Little Lucius was so grateful for trees. He thought (still does!) that they work so hard for every life on this planet and don't get the respect they deserve, and I also believed they had souls and were concious. I would give trees hugs to thank them. I still do that. Trees are just so cool. I wonder how the tree I planted at home is doing. I planted a willow tree a few years ago. Willow trees are my favourites, and we have three natural ponds in our backyard (and a lake), so it was a good place to plant a willow tree. It has lots of water to thrive down there! We have 24 acres, but we live in the country and our house isn't so great, so it was affordable. We're surrounded by a forest. In the spring, it floods really badly down there, but luckily our house is at the top of the hill (our backyard slopes downwards). It's honestly kind of cool seeing just how much it floods. Some other houses around the area get completely flooded, and that's a bit scary and sad, but at the same time... why'd you build your house down there knowing that it floods every year, lol. Anyway. There's lots of animals in our backyard since it's a forest and we have natural ponds and a lake. We have a beaver that's been there for years now. He can be a bit annoying at times, but Mother refuses to kill him. Which is good. One thing Mother and I strongly believe in is that if you move out to the country, you do not get to complain about wild animals. We hate people that complain about racoons or bears and people that shoot and trap wild animals that walk into their yard. Like, it's the country???? You don't move out here if you hate wild animals??? What the fuck is wrong with you?? Go live in the city or go get mauled by a bear because these animals are innocent and we're the ones invading their territory, not the opposite. If you live in the country, you best be ready to co-exist with and support the wild animals. Anyway. There's also lots of FROGS! Oh man, they can get real noisy, but I think it's super cute. Frogs are adorable. Sometimes, you see herons just hanging out at the ponds c: And when it floods, you can see ducks just swimming about in the flood water. Because the lake is the thing that floods, it floods all the way up the field and into our ponds. I've never seen a moose at home, but that's normal. You rarely see moose. I have seen moose in real life, though. Saw them when we were driving down the backroads. He was in a swamp doing his thing. Very beautiful creatures, but definitely not something you want to mess with! Those things will fuck you up! There also was a dead moose in the yard of my old, now-abandonded school. He died from some disease. I used to stare out the windows of the classroom and look at the wild animals that sometimes wandered out. You could see foxes out and about sometimes. Deer, we have a lot of deer at home. One of my fondest memories, which I think I've shared here before, is when I was hanging out my window smoking weed and this herd of deer just comes right up to my window and munches on the grass. It was like I had smoking buddies. It was so peaceful.

We used to have pet ducks. They were White Pekin ducks. We got them from Mother's friend's farm. We originally got one. He was deformed and therefore couldn't be used for meat, so she gave him to us to have as a pet. But because he was deformed and sick, he died soon after he became an adult. Then she gave us two healthy ducks to make us feel better. We had them for a while, but my sister taught them how to "fly" high enough to get out of their big kennel (it was the length of our house, so they had plenty of room) and they never came back. We would walk them down to the ponds so they could play in the ponds, but we were always there with them. They got out in the night when no one was there. My sister apparently got two ducks recently, the same kind. She built them what she calls a "Duck Mansion". I hope she takes good care of them and doesn't let the same thing happen. She probably will if she went through the trouble of making them a "Duck Mansion", though. I hate her, but I think that was nice of her to do.

We do have a human cemetery literally right beside our house, but we also have another cemetery. A little cemetery in our forest for animals. Dead pets get buried there, as well as any animals that we find dead in front of our house, like racoons or kities that have been run over. My guinea pig wasn't buried there, though. I buried him under the willow tree because he meant a lot to me and I thought it was a fitting place for him. I painted him a rock in the same pattern/colours as his fur and placed it on top of where I buried him. His name was Caramel. I loved him a lot and I'm still traumatized by what happened to him. It wasn't a peaceful death. He suddenly got extremely sick and I felt so much guilt because I didn't know what happened or why it happened and I felt it was my fault. And he was in so much pain. The vet gave him meds but he died in the night and I was so upset I made 5 deep cuts requiring stitches I had to go to the hospital and stay in the psych ward for a few weeks ;-; That's part of the reason why I'm so worried bad things will happen to Bunny. I'm like a helicopter parent with Bunny. Don't trust anyone to be alone with her except for me. Give her lots of attention and cuddles. That's why I need to stay alive for her, so I can take care of her.

I didn't want this to turn sad! Sorry. I'll talk about something more positive now.

I'm going to the grocery store later today. I'm going to get some stuff for my kimchi, and I'm also going to try two new recipes. Banana chia pudding and matcha + coconut milkshake. Both are vegan, so after I make them, I'll probably write my thoughts on them on the veganism page (under the 'My Alternatives' tab). They sound so good and I can't wait to try them! Also, I shared the recipe there that I use for my kimchi. I recommend you try it. It's very yummy. The other two recipes are by the same person/site, Simple Veganista. I can't make them all by myself for obvious reasons (autism), so I have to have Al help me. But she doesn't mind! So it's all good! Hopefully one day I will be able to make food on my own besides toast and heating up soup or oatmeal. I really admire people who can cook/bake, they're so cool.

8:29 a.m.: I lied about stylizing it, too, because I decided I won't. Anyway. There's a severe thunderstorm. I'm a bit scared. I'm sitting with Bunny to make sure she's OK. She seems to be fine with the storm, but bunnies can literally scare themselves to death, so I'm not taking any chances. I think as long as I'm with her, she'll be OK.

Oh, last night I brought out the spider Bunny disturbed the other day. I found him climbing above my pillow, so I put him outside. He's too brave. I always put spiders that go too close to my bed outside because I know they're going to get crushed accidentally in my sleep and that makes me sad ;-; I let the spiders that hang around in the corners of the ceiling stay, though.

Plans for today? Play Minecraft and hope the battery doesn't go out before the storm is over ;-; There is a part of me that wants to run outside to find worms because it's raining, but then I hear the loud thunder and see the bright lightning and get scared. I just want to stare at some cute worms! Anyway. I can't stop yawning. I'm so tired. I always am. I'm going to go play Minecraft now.

23rd of July, 2020

8:51 p.m.: I lied about not stylizing the 'Old Entries' page. I'm going to stylize it tonight.

7:30 p.m.: The only cop that isn't a bastard is Leon Kennedy... He's a good man... He has a big heart... I love him so much.

I made that veganism page. I'll link it when I get more done, but you can view it now if you'd like. Not going to lie, I'm super happy I finally found an excuse to link the study of sexually-rejected fruit flies turning to alcohol... I've been wanting to talk about that ever since I learnt of it. It's so wack. Animals are just so incredible and there's still so much we don't know about them. Really makes you think.

I watched some bunny videos while making that page. I like to watch Lennon The Bunny. Not usually my kind of content, but she's actually knowledgable about bunnies and doesn't tolerate bunny abuse whatsoever. Her bunny is freeroam and she properly takes care of Lennon, so I like her channel. I love her "House Rabbit Makeover" series because it makes me happy to see bunnies that weren't being treated so well become happy and live a good life. In that series, people ask her to come give them a "house rabbit makeover". She educates people on how to properly take care of their bunny and it's really sweet and wholesome. It's hard to find cute bunny videos on YouTube that aren't actually animal abuse. She's a good source for actually cute bunny videos c:

Speaking of bunnies, I just gave Bunny her salad. The schedule has kind of gotten mixed up... Her morning salad is now her night salad. Sigh. I'll fix it soon. This time she got mixed lettuce and kale, a bit of cauliflower, celery, and bell peppers. I always cut up her food even though it doesn't need to be cut up since she'll eat it uncut. I also always make it pretty. I arrange her salad in a specific way every time. The celery goes around the corner of the bowl, with the lettuce/kale underneath, and the peppers usually in the middle of the circle the celery creates. When I give her carrots, I cut it into four pieces and put it in four corners of the bowl on top of the celery. She really loves celery leaves, so I put those in the middle of the celery stalk circle as well. She eats well c:

2:40 p.m.: The glitched video happened again. I'm in so much pain. I have chronic pain, but it's gotten a bit better. But now it's really bad again. I used to be in so much physical pain every day that I had no choice but to lay in bed the entire day. I couldn't even sit up, I couldn't do anything at all. I'm worried at this rate I will get back to that state. I had to go to the emergency room once for it. I talked about that here before. It wasn't too long ago, back in December, I think? And the nurse at the emergency room was saying very mean things to me because I'm ausitic and it was so emotionally painful that I had to leave because the exruciating physical pain was easier to deal with than that. ;-; This is why I don't like hospitals. They're always so mean to me for a developmental disorder that can't be changed. Even the nurses at the psych ward are mean to me for it. The pysch ward is the last place grown adults should be making fun of you for being autistic... especially when you're in there for a suicide attempt... Maybe I just live in a bad place. I'm really scared of the hospital in general now. There's a doctor I'm OK with and don't mind going to the hospital to see, she's the one I talked to on Monday on the phone, but she's retired now and she's referring me to another doctor. Kind of scared the new one will be really mean.

I accidentally spilled Monster on my bed. Not all of it, thankfully. I ramble a lot. It's annoying. I annoy myself. AL and Olive came. Sh didn't. I pet Olive. She's a good dog. I don't know what kind of dog she is, Al says she's a mix. She's yellow with some brown on her back and has floppy ears. Not completely floppy, only half. The tips flop down. It's cute. I wonder if floppy ear dogs are more prone to infections like floppy ear rabbits are? Bunny doesn't have floppy ears. She has upright ears, she's a Netherland Dwarf. Netherland Dwarves have a very abnormally short snout, and it makes them prone to breathing problems and dental issues. It's really sad that people continue to breed animals that suffer, like pugs and Munchkin cats and such. But I think too many people think, "It's cruel to breed animals that live a bad life because you think their deformities are cute," means, "You're a bad person if you adopt/rescue an animal bred like that." Those animals deserve to have a good life and be taken away from people who will ignore them and use them to breed more sick animals. Save the animals that are born like that and stop breeding them. That's what should be understood from that.

Bunny came from a breeder. But she was a pet, not an animal to be bred, so she was already spayed. I really don't like rabbit breeders, especially ones that breed animals prone to health issues. But she was being given away for free, so I technically saved her. And I think especially more so because Bunny is unnaturally aggressive for a bunny. I think the breeder who had her abused her. It took a long time for Bunny to feel comfortable with me, which is normal for all bunnies, but it wasn't normal how uncomfortable she was. She growled. She lunged. She bit. And she was spayed, so it wasn't that making her aggressive. I truly do think she was abused. But she's happy now. She sleeps beside me, licks me, lays in vulnerable positions, she's very happy and comfortable now. I'm glad I saved her from whatever that twat was doing to her. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she was abused even without that past aggression because bunny breeders... do that. They view any bunny that's not "desired" as worthless and treat them badly. They breed more bunnies into existence even though there's plenty of already-alive domestic bunnies that need to be saved because they're the most abandoned and abused pet, and then they sell them off to people who will abuse them and/or throw them out into the wild, causing more of those already-alive domestic bunnies that need to be saved being left to suffer.

I've been wanting to make a page here on veganism, but I'm worried people will take it as some militant vegan crap or some annoying preaching. Really, I just want a place to share accurate information about animal abuse and environmental harm not being vegan or vegetarian causes and allow people to read it if they're interested in eventually becoming vegan or vegetarian. A place without judgement because too many vegan resources are unneccesarily hostile and it drives people away from ever even considering it. And I'm not a "perfect" vegan yet. I mean, no one will ever "perfect", but there's still some things I need to cut out (mainly honey) and also things I need to learn. So it'd help me learn, too. Whoever is reading it could learn with me. I do think veganism is the future, but being mean is not how to get people to understand your viewpoint. Most people love animals, so that's not why most people aren't vegan. Most people aren't vegan because it's hard to change and it's even harder to get the reality of where your food comes from through your head. Learning about factory farms, it takes a long time to realize it's real because it seems like something ripped straight from a horror film. But it's real, sadly. It's real and it's not going to change until humans stop giving animal abusers demand for their products. You can't save an already-living animal from being murdered and abused, but you can save another from being born to suffer the same fate. And that's enough for me. It's better than nothing.

12:49 p.m.: I'm so cold. I can't stop shivering. Anyway. I had a nightmare. I don't remember much about it, but at the end, I heard a very loud sound and it made me so scared that I woke up crying and threw my hands in front of my face. I think it might've been a gunshot in my nightmare, but I'm not sure because I can't really remember anything before that.

I'm still so tired. I want to sleep, but I'm not going to because I'm worried I'll worry Mère. Mother showed me a video of parrots yesterday. They're real pretty. Oh, speaking of animals, I think I'm starting to hyperfixate on octopi. I don't know why... I have a giant fear of the ocean, but for the past few days, all I've been thinking is, "Aren't octopi cool? Don't you want to learn everything you can about them?" And my answer to both of those questions are yes. But I've been putting off learning about them for some reason. I don't know why. That's stupid. Special interests make me happy, so I should let myself gain a new special interest. You know what? Yes! I'm going to spend the day learning about octopi!!!

22nd of July, 2020

8:41 p.m.: Hm... Videos, they randomly glitch out. It's happened two times this week. The screen gets all weird, all weird different colours in weird patterns. I always think at first that it's part of the video but I'm not sure, so I go back to the spot it glitched out and it doesn't happen again. I don't know if it's my computer or if I'm hallucinating. The audio will be fine, just not the visuals. Maybe it's a hallucination because after I realize it's not something the video producer edited to be that way, my mind immediatedly thinks it's God trying to talk to me. And that's been a trademark for a lot of hallucinations and delusions in the past. Maybe it is getting really bad. I'm a bit scared.

7:52 p.m.: I feel better having deleted my Tumblr. I relapsed into cutting before the previous entry. I didn't mention that, but now I did. I'm okay. I bandaged it up. I still want to cut and I know I'm going to do more. It's weird because I want to cut but I also don't. I really want to cut, but I also really don't. I don't want to cut because I don't want to mess up my body even more, but I feel like I have to cut. I don't know how to stop now that I've relapsed. I don't have a therapist anymore that I can talk to about it, and I'm sure not going to tell Mother or Mère about it because that's a great way to get myself thrown back into the loony bin. Speaking of the loony bin, I don't know how my schizophrenia has been doing. A few days ago I wrote about how it might be getting worse. I don't know if it still is or if it's gotten better in the past few days or if it's just the same. Wait. No, probably worse. Because there was the whole "my father killed Mother" panic, then the anxiety attack of thinking someone bad was trying to break in, I'm still paranoid about cameras, I'm still paranoid my family is watching me type this, I'm still paranoid she's going to find me again, I'm still paranoid people are out to get me sometimes. So. Probably worse. But at least I'm not typing word salad yet. Right? I don't think I am. Maybe I am. I'd ask if there's someone reading this to tell me if I'm typing word salad or not, but if I am, it wouldn't matter because they wouldn't be able to understand what I asked. If I ever start posting word salad here, I want someone to tell me if they read it. Because I won't know unless someone tells me, "Hey, you probably need to be hospitalized with how bad your schizophrenia seems to be." I'm really scared of going back to the psych ward. The staff is mean. But if I have to, I have to. But I'd like to avoid it if I can.

7:00 p.m.: Ugh. Tumblr is so bad for my mental health. I lhate logging on to see a bunch of ADULT WOMEN in my notifications who post shit like "All men should die," "Males only want sex so little boys and men can't get raped," and making fun of obviously autistic men and boys following me and shit. Like, what the fuck? Why are you following a 17-year-old autistic boy that survived CSA? Oh, wait, I know why! Because you're abusers, rapists, and pedophiles! You shit on men and make them feel so uncomfortable and insecure they feel pressured to have sex with you/you verbally abuse them into it and only view them as sex objects, and also you just love to prey on male minors! And also you're homophobic as fuck because gay men won't willingly fuck you and/or you fetishize us! Female incels, basically. I think people call them "radfems", but I like to call them what they are, rapists, abusers, and pedophiles. Tumblr is full of them to the point you can't escape them even if you're a blog that posts content so far away from their bullshit. And I hate that they have an affect on me. It's really really bad for me. It worsens my mental health. I know I should just delete my account and never touch that site again, but then where am I supposed to find inspiration for my artwork and stuff? Is that inspiration even worth the damage that hellhole site does to my mental health? It's not. It's really not. Fuck it. I'm deleting it. I don't think I can handle any more of these predatory women and being told that I apparently liked being molested from 5-12 years old. Reminds me, when I blocked one the other day they freaked out and called me a motherfucker (yes, this was a grown woman) and shared my blog URL trying to get more of their batshit kind to harass me. Tumblr is truly a hellhole. Don't get it if you've never used it before. Anyway, I'm going to go delete it now. Now you'll only be able to find me on Listography, Discord, and here. I'm OK with that.

5:20 p.m.: They got back and we had dinner. I had some kimchi. I got the kimchi juice in my eye ;-; If you've never had kimchi before, it's spicy, so it really burns when you get it in your eyes. I have such bad motor skills... I can't even drink out of cups properly. That's why I use a specific cup with a reusable straw. And yet I want to be a tattoo artist. Agh, I'm hopeless. Anyway. I need to talk about something positive instead of complaining about how retarded I am.

I'm so dehydrated, but I can't bring myself to drink water. Because I don't deserve it. I haven't been doing my ascetic practices much here, but I'm starting to do them again. That's why I'm refusing to drink water. I said I need to talk about something positive, not this. I guess I can't be positive right now. I feel like shit. I'm so physically and mentally tired. I'm so sad.

I really want to cry, but I'm too dehydrated. I don't know what else to say. There's a lot I want to get off my shoulders and vent about, but I'm not going to. I feel guilty now for being sad on here. I know why. It's because I worry I'm being a burden. But to who? I'm writing to myself here. This is my site. It's not like I'm texting someone everything that's wrong with myself and my life. If someone's reading this, they can just close out of the tab. But I still feel guilty because I'm irrational. Whatever. I'm going to relapse. I don't care what happens anymore. I hope I fucking die.

1:25 p.m.: Mère and Père's sister left. They'll be back in a few hours. They're visiting the others who came yesterday morning. I stayed because there's too many people. I have this house for myself for a few hours. My brain keeps saying, "Quick! Do something bad while you can!" but... I don't really want to. I'm paranoid there's cameras they set up to watch me. I know Mère isn't like my parents, but I'm still paranoid about that. And so, I will be good.

Today's plans are to work more on the horror page and also watch more horror films.

12:01 p.m.: "Good morning," Mimikyu says. Mimikyu is much nicer than me. I hope to be as kind as he is one day. I'm real sleepy. I woke up about thirty minutes ago. My eyes are always super puffy when I wake up. I notice my dark circles increase the more I sleep, too. I'm not sure how that works, but it's true, I'm not lying. It's really weird. Maybe I sleepwalk and don't know it? That could be a reason why. I wouldn't be surprised knowing I've woken up to doing some weird things a few times in the past. And also with my blackouts, probably related.

Anyway, not much has happened yet since I woke up not too long ago. I had some strawberries. I'm going to go back up after this entry to take my morning medication. We realized we don't need to get more IDs because I have my passport for the one with the picture. Père's sister is still here, she stayed the night. She's nice, so I don't mind. She also gives Mère company when I can't because my sensory issues are too bad. Al and Sh are coming tomorrow. Bunny is doing well. She's currently hiding under her favourite chair. She tries burrowing into the floor, it never works. She thinks she can burrow through it like it's dirt. Bunnies love to dig. Silly Bunny!

I talked to Mother last night. She told me that one of the kittens she's fostering (they're four months old now!) caught a scorpion the other morning LOL. It was already dead, though, so he's safe. Oh, that kitten's name is Charlie. Apparently, she freaked out. She's terrified of scorpions, even if they're dead. I remember my father when he was gone in Afghanistan for a year telling me about how he woke up to scorpions on his bed and pillow every morning. They got in through the air conditioner, he said. I think scorpions are neat. He brought me back a scorpion in resin. I was 12 back then when he left for a year.

I should go drink my tea now before it gets too cold. I'll write more later.

21st of July, 2020

8:27 p.m.: Haha. I just got done playing TV Bingo with Mère and Père's sister. It lasted for an hour and a half. Mère asked me if I wanted to play with them, and I said, "Yes," because I like spending time with Mère. I know it makes her happy when I spend time with her and that it helps her sadness of Père's death go away for a bit. She was laughing and smiling throughout the game. I'm glad. Sadly, I didn't win ;-; But Père's sister won $300! So that was cool and I'm really happy for her! And she said she was unlucky before it started, lol. Call me an old man, but I actually kind of like bingo. It's calming. I remember when I was in elementary school back in Quebec, I went to a big school (~600 students, the only big school I've ever been to... one of my old schools only had 32 students in it, and my last high school had even less (but it was a private special needs school) just so you understand why I consider ~600 big), and they had these festivals in the schoolyard every summer before school ended. There'd be bouncy castles and a whole bunch of other stuff. Of course, most of the kids went on the bouncy castles and other stuff. But Lucius? Lucius only played bingo with all the adults. (I pretty much always won.) But I guess that isn't really a surprise when you consider how I was when I was younger. I was mute and had no friends. Mother volunteered at the school as a... I don't know what they're called, but a person who takes care of a special needs student. It wasn't me she took care of, it was some girl that I was super jealous of for getting to spend time with MY mother, she's not yours and I'm disabled too, fuck off!!! is what Little Lucius thought. But despite her not watching over me, I'd constantly run out of the classroom crying and looking for Mother to help me with... everything. Lol. Also, the teacher treated me like shit and physically hurt me for being autistic. But even in highschool teachers treated me like shit and physically hurt me for being autistic. No, they never got fired because they were all women and women are allowed to abuse autistic little boys and men (and autistic women and little girls, everyone is fucked over by this double standard, female-on-female rape victims/abuse surviviors are equally as disadvantaged as male victims are) and get away with it because society is fucking idiotic. Little Lucius' time was terrible and depressing. Lucius' present is still terrible and depressing. I really haven't changed except for the fact I now speak, albeit poorly.

I went from a happy start to a negative ending on that paragraph. I'll try to talk about something positive now.

Well, I got more diamonds in my Hardcore world earlier. 63!!! It would've been over a full stack if I didn't accidentally craft a fucking diamond hoe when I meant to craft a diamond pickaxe. I wasted my diamonds on a fucking HOE!!!! NO HOES ARE WORTH DIAMONDS!!! Two precious diamonds... wasted... on some stupid hoe. I could CRY with how distraught I am over this. Now what the heck am I supposed to do with this hoe? Farm some land with glamour? Not worth it, man... I don't even like using iron hoes... I only use stone hoes...

Anyway! There's a village nearby where I built my first house (I plan on moving soon), but it didn't have a librarian, so I had to build a lectern and make an unemployed villager one. Took a few breaking and placing to get him to have good trades. I plan on using him to buy bookshelves because it's tiresome to farm leather from cows. I need the bookshelves for my enchanting table. Then, I'll enchant diamond armour and tools, and off to the Nether I go! I found this neat resource pack. It's called SapixCraft. I have mixed feelings on it. Some of the textures are really ugly and don't go well with the builds I made before I got it, but at the same time, I love how unique it is. I also love how the torches are animated in your hotbar! I love how... clear it is. Like, it's easy to see things clearly. I bet it looks great with shaders, but I have to wait for Optifine 1.16 to come out first to test that for myself! I love simplistic resource packs a lot. Don't get me wrong, I think the detailed ones are super cool, but... they usually often look ugly. But it's cool how much effort people put into them and I appreciate that! Just not my cup of tea. I love cute, cartoony/simplistic ones.

4:44 p.m.: Good news! I think all the scars on my arm are finally healed enough to get tattooed over. YAY!!! Warning for a picture of my ugly messed-up arm at the end of this entry. I read online you should wait until they're white. The ones on the top of my arm look kind of pink in the picture but they're white in real life, so I think that means they're ready! Super excited to get those covered up with bats! I'm even more excited for my thighs because they're 100x worse. I don't know what I'm going to get on my thighs, though. It'll have to be a super big and detailed piece, so it'll take a while until I come up with a good idea for it.

I found another spider. This one is on my bed with me! I'm trying to find him so I can pick him up and put him in a safe place where I won't actually crush him. He's not the same one as the one Bunny disturbed. This one is also small, but it's a dark brown instead of a light brown. I told Mère I found two cute spiders today and she got upset and told me to kill them. I'm not going to. They get to stay! They're my roommates! I protect spiders!!!! >:c

I wonder if this is enough text now to hide the picture from first glance/you have to scroll down to see it? It's nothing graphic as they're healed, but it's not pleasant to look at and possibly triggering. If it's not enough text, I'm sorry ;-; I just wanted to show a 'before' the tattoo picture because I'm going to post the picture of the tattoo when I get it and I want it for comparison.

12:56 p.m.: I'm so cold ;-;

I'm going to watch Death Bed: The Bed That Eats in a few minutes. I have no idea if this is meant to be a funny horror film or if the creator seriously thought it was a scary idea to have a bed that eats people. But who knows? Maybe it is scary (I doubt it). Won't know until I watch it. You can bet your life I'll be writing my thoughts about it on the horror page! How could I not talk about something so stupid?

10:15 a.m.: I had an anxiety attack. Not too bad, but still an anxiety attack I'd have preferred to not go through. I was sitting at the table eating some strawberries and all of a sudden someone knocks on the door. Then they start turning the knob (it was locked) roughly and I freaked out thinking it was someone with bad intentions. I called out to Mère and she went to the door and she didn't seem bothered by how furiously the person was trying to open the door and I was so scared someone would hurt her. But before I could ask her to stop she opened it and it just turned out to be some relatives. Ugh. I'm so stupid. I don't know their names, but I know their relatives. I've seen them a few times before.

They speak French, obviously. They're all Acadian. They speak English to me, though (with some French words thrown in). The first thing they said to me was that I look like Mother. The only physical traits I share with her are my eye colour (which is the same as my father's) and having thick hair. Other than that, I look nothing like her. I look pretty much identical to my father, though. I wish I looked more like Mother. Whatever. There's too many people upstairs, so I went downstairs. Ignoring all my autistic reasons for not wanting to be around them, I'd still feel uncomfortable around them because... I compare myself to other Acadians. I hear them speaking French, and my faux-Acadian ass is just sitting there confused. I feel ashamed that I'm not "properly" part of our culture and speak fluent French. Also, I HATE that I know enough French to know when they're talking about me, but not enough to know what they're saying. Ugh... I know that before I went downstairs, though, they were talking about Père. They were saying it doesn't feel real that he's dead.

Bunny... she upset a spider. She was chewing where a spider was hiding. The spider got scared and ran out into the middle of the floor. He's a tiny little guy. I let him go back to hiding. It's good to have spiders in your room. They're cute roommates that don't cost you money and also they eat insects you probably don't want in your house.

Hm. This morning, I woke up at 5 a.m. I had a nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about. The first thing I did was play Minecraft. New Creative world. I'm building a purple concrete + blackstone town. Right now, I'm working on a cathedral. My Hardcore world is doing great!!! I got 43 diamonds last night. I just mined and mined and mined. I'm going to go play my Hardcore world right now and get more diamonds!!! I want at least a full stack before I go to the Nether. But I might increase it to two stacks to motivate myself more c:

20th of July, 2020

8:57 p.m.: I have to get more bloodwork done before I'm allowed to up my dosage. So... need to stay sober for a few days. That's going to be real hard. I'll only have nicotine and caffeine to help me survive. I don't know if I wrote about this here yet, but Bunny is moulting. She's shedding her summer coat to get in her winter coat. Right now, she's binkying on the boxspring, like she always does every night. I'm sitting beside her. Now she's trying to jump on my keyboard. So cute!!! Oh and now she's hiding under my legs. I'm sitting with my knees up (how I usually sit) and my laptop is on my knees. So, she can hide underneath my legs. And yes, it does hurt to sit like this. It hurts really bad when you're this skinny. But I need to sit like this for autistic reasons, I need the sensory input it gives me or I freak out. I love it when she moults because she gets these tufts of hair I love to pluck out. It doesn't hurt her, it's loose fur that will come off if you lightly pull on it. She enjoys it and it's good because she'd get hairballs if I didn't groom her. And it's satisfying to me, it's a stim. But I also hate it when she moults, especially when she's shedding her winter coat, because all my clothes are black! And she's white! Well, seal point. She has seal point markings, so she has some brown fur, too. But still! Her fur never gets off my clothes when she's moulting and it's noticeable since it's white fur on black clothes. But it's not a big deal. I still love her.

I ended up working more on the horror page like I said I would, but I haven't touched the speleology shrine. I got distracted playing around in Brackets again. I've made a lot more of those pointless designs, but I haven't been sharing them. I might post them later. I don't know.

I'm just... so easily bored. I want to watch movies, but it's hard for me to do that because I NEED to do something with my hands. That's why I play around in Brackets a lot, because I love to type. It gives my hands something to do. But I can't do that when watching movies because I won't see it, only hear it. At home, I would solve this problem by using my stim/fidget toys, but I didn't bring them. Wait, actually, I think I brought one. Nevermind, I didn't. At home, I have a bunch of stim/fidget toys. I can play with them while watching movies.

3:15 p.m.: My hair is so soft. What a shame I don't have a husband to play with my hair. My hair's always been my weakness. When I was younger, I used to demand Al to play with my hair constantly. I'd sit on her lap and she'd play with my hair until I either fell asleep or got distracted and wanted to do something else. Luckily for Al, she enjoyed playing with my hair. Most people I demanded to play with my hair did. They'd always tell me my hair is incredibly thick (I get that from Mother) and so it was nice to play with. I still almost fall asleep when I get my hair cut or dyed. It's just so calming. I want a husband to play with my hair ;-;

2:23 p.m.: Well, if you bet your life that I was going to post an hour or two after the last entry, you're now dead. Sorry about that. I slept real good. I haven't slept that well in ages. I just got out of the shower. Before that, I had an "appointment" (phone call) with my doctor. My dosage is getting increased. Today, I plan on working more on the 'Horror' page as well as my speleology shrine. But first, I need to drink something. I'm so unbelievably thirsty. I'm so dehydrated.

19th of July, 2020

8:20 p.m.: Each day, my impulsive suicidal urges get harder and harder to manage despite being on my medications. I don't know if this site is helping or not. I'd like to think it is, as it gives me something to do to pass the time and a place to vent, but I don't know. Maybe it'd be a good idea to take a break. Maybe it'll help. Or maybe it won't. And maybe it won't and I know that but I just don't care anymore because of my lack of energy. I just want to curl up into a little ball on my bed, lock myself in this room, and just rot. Never come out, never talk to anyone. Never even open my computer. Just lay there and sleep until I eventually die. Because I'm so fucking tired of feeling like shit. Only plan tonight is to get drunk. I get urges to delete this site often, for various reasons. I want to delete it right now. The reason being I just don't want anyone to know of my existence. I don't want anyone to know I existed. I just want to fade away like I was never here in the first place. Like I was never born. I want everyone to forget every single memory they've ever had of me. I don't just want to die, I don't want to exist. And that's impossible because I do exist. And even when I die for real, I'd still have existed, and I'd still have left an impact (albeit tiny) on this world and the people who knew me. And, like, I know they wouldn't care or miss me. I want them to forget because I hate myself so fucking much that I'm ashamed of my existence. Realizing that other people have memories of me and maybe think of me (always in a negative light) makes me want to drop dead right then and there. I can't handle it. I can't handle existing. I just want to relapse, godammit. Make all this pain go away because I can't handle it anymore and I'm so tired of begging for help just for everyone to ignore me and in rare cases hurt me more instead.

I truly don't see an end to this pain. I've done so many things I regret that will always haunt me. And I know people always say you can't go to the past so there's no point in fretting on it, but what the fuck else am I supposed to do when I have no future? I have no future to look forward to. I have nothing in my present to distract myself or give me hope. I have nothing. Nothing except for these stupid fucking drugs that only temporarily make me happy just so I can make it to the next day. For what? Just to suffer again, until I get fucked up on drugs again? And then repeat that over and over? Are you fucking kidding me? WHY am I even forcing myself to live to the next day??? It's not worth it! I just want this to end already. I want to stop postponing my suicide with drugs and just get this over with already. But Bunny stops me. Staying alive for Bunny is important, that's why I use drugs to stop myself from killing myself. But I just suffer every day and I don't want to go through it anymore. And sometimes I think it's not worth it and I feel so guilty for feeling that way, for not caring as much as I should about Bunny. Sometimes I want to kill her so I can be sure she doesn't suffer after my death, then I can kill myself in peace. And I feel even guiltier for thinking that. Thinking about that now, writing it down, it makes me want to vomit and I'm shaking. I would never ever hurt her. Never ever. But I have those thoughts rarely and rarely is still too much to be having those thoughts. It makes me want to kill myself when I think that because I'm so disgusted in myself. But then that loops back into not being able to kill myself for Bunny. And so more self-hatred gets added to my already-mountainous pile of self-hatred and the suffering of each day gets worse and worse.

You can safely bet your life that in an hour or two, I'll be back with another entry. A happy one. One where I'm all like, "I'm feeling better now. I have hope for the future. I love men. I'm gay. I want a husband." And that'll be because I'm drunk or high or both. I can only be happy when I'm on drugs. I can only smile and laugh when I'm on drugs. That's real pathetic, Lucius. Ahah, and then later I'll be back with another suicidal vent and talking about how shitty I feel and how I have no hope. And I'm just so predictable. Nothing ever changes. Lucius never changes. Whatever. I'm going to go get drunk now. I'll be back in an hour or two to write something happier, like I said.

6:56 p.m.: Mother texted me finally. At first, I was convinced it was my father pretending to be her because I thought she was typing exactly how he types. I was so scared, I thought he killed her and he was pretending to be Mother to stop me from worrying where she was. I was panicking. But it's her. It's actually Mother. She's alive. My father didn't do anything. They were just out fishing. And I'm just crazy.

5:45 p.m.: I freaked out a bit. I haven't heard from Mother. When I tried calling her, it said she's unreachable. It says she was last active 14 hours ago. She is usually online at least once a day. So, my mind jumped to the conclusion that something bad happened to her. My brain jumped to, "My father killed Mother." I went upstairs and asked Mère if she heard from Mother. I acted calm because I didn't want to worry her. She said she hadn't. So, I called my sister. My sister said she hasn't heard from her either and she also thought it was weird. Then she brought up the possibility of her power going out. I searched up the weather where she is and it says there's a severe thunderstorm, so maybe that's it. Maybe the power just went out. God, I hope so. I really hope nothing bad happened to her. I'm not freaking out anymore but I'm still a bit worried.

10:52 a.m.: Oh, there's no dandelions anymore. They're all gone... Okay, that's okay. Bunny doesn't need them to survive. It's really hot outside. I could only be out there for about thirty seconds before I had to come in. The heat is very bad for my sensory issues as well as my physical conditions. I get a really bad sunburn easily. I don't tan at all. Sunburns are very not good with my physical conditions. I don't go outside much when it's sunny because of that. I like to go out when it's raining or foggy. It feels good.

I played some Minecraft. I made another Hardcore world. I didn't die in my last one, I just decided I hated the spawn and wanted to start over. I really like this seed I got (it was random). I built my house under a... I don't know how to describe it. I'll post it to my Minecraft blog later and link it here. But there's like a little river with a patch of dirt underneath a small cliff, and that's where I built my house. The house is built into the mountain, and the patch outside is going to be my little garden. There's a whole bunch of fish in the river, so that's where my current food source is from. My conrete mod (Sweet Concrete) finally updated to 1.16. Yay! I'm waiting for Optifine so I can use shaders. I've never played Minecraft with shaders before. My old computer could barely handle vanilla Minecraft without any resource packs. This new one can handle it, though, I think. I really love Mineraft. I want to play Minecraft with someone. Just survival Minecraft with one or two other people and have fun and talk on voice chat.

That's what I said I was thinking about in the earlier entry today. Making friends. I think I'm doing good enough now to have a friend, I'm not as draining and a burden anymore. But I still don't know how to make friends. Making real life friends is pretty much impossible right now with COVID-19, so that's not an option. My only option would be online. But... how? I don't know how to make online friends either. I don't get along with most people my age, but most older people think it's weird to talk to me, so... Kind of stuck. I don't want to be forced to be friends with someone my age that acts like a 12-year-old and makes internet drama/discourse and extremist political ideologies their entire personality. But older people don't want to talk to me because they think I'm a child despite the fact I'm going to be an adult in September. I know there are people around my age that aren't annoying and are nice and sensible, but how do I find them? Tumblr? No, that's how you get a bunch of the people that make internet drama/discourse their entire personality like I said before. Listography? It's a social media, yes, but not a social media like that. Discord? I refuse to join any servers with people I don't know. Neocities? Not really. Neocities feels like a very... clique-y site. Like, everyone on here seems to have cliques and are snobby. Not receptive to anyone but their cliques. Cliques that I can't fit into. I really have no ideas at this point. I don't want to continue living like this, with not even someone to play games with, but I don't understand how to change that. Maybe one day I'll just end up accepting being isolated and learn to live life without any friends. I doubt that, though, because all humans need attention and at least one friend. That's how human brains are wired. Humans aren't supposed to live like I do. But I'll hold on to some hope anyway.

9:33 a.m.: Mimikyu says, "Good morning!" I say... nothing. I just yawned. How is Lucius' morning so far? Sleepy... Really sleepy... Bunny woke me up by jumping on my bed again. I gave her a kiss on the forehead then put her back on the floor. Then I went to make some toast and brew Earl Grey. I took my morning medications. I've been thinking a lot about something. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a nice day outside. I'm going to go outside in a bit to read and pick some dandelions for Bunny. Oh, and stare at the bees! Every time it rains, I run outside to try and find worms, but I haven't found any the past few times. It's a bit odd. I don't want to hurt the worms. I just want to pick them up and inspect them and then put them back where they belong. I think they're cute. Worms are cute.

18th of July, 2020

5:11 p.m.: Did you notice when they left, so did everyone else? Do you see it? Do you get it? I told you. I was right. You can't fool me. I know you're not who you say you are.

I didn't do my injection yesterday. I'm doing it now. How does Lucius feel? Tired. Unfeeling. Numb. Except for paranoia. I'm paranoid. Everything's fine, I know that, but I'm still paranoid. I think she might've found me. I want to sleep. I'm so tired. Is life supposed to be like this? Is life meant to hurt? Do others not feel like living is a chore? Am I sane or am I crazy??? Am I not supposed to feel like this??? I want someone to answer me. I just went to do my injection and came back to this. I don't think I remember writing any of this. Whatever.

I'm so sleepy. I want to cuddle. And sleep. I really want to sleep. But I have to wait a bit. I'll go to sleep early. I didn't do much today. I forgot how much I hate acrylics. They're so damaging to your nails and they fall off constantly. Ugh.

1:54 p.m.: Hello. I finished writing about Little Lucius' experiences with horror on the 'Other' tab in the horror page. I have so many horror topics I want to talk about! I'm going to make a list on Listography for everything I want to write about so I don't forget. Today has been OK so far. I played some Resident Evil. I want to play around and code something, but I have no ideas. I want to draw. I'll draw after I finish this entry. Ca and E left to go to the store. I asked if they could get me more Monster. They said they would if they see them. That's nice. I got a dark red nail polish yesterday. I only usually paint my nails black, but I've been really wanting to paint some of them red. Some black and some red. I think I'll be fine with it since it's a dark red. If not, I'll just take it off.

You know what? Screw it. Having one nail short, even if I have a tip extension on, is too bothersome. Because I know it'll take ages for it to grow out. I'm going to cut my nails short (R.I.P to my long nails) and just wear acrylics until they're longer. That way I'm not bothered remembering how one nail is super short and the others are long.

17th of July, 2020

6:09 p.m.: I got back a few minutes ago. It went OK... I had one minor blackout and one audio hallucination. I'm kind of sad. I know why, and I'm scared of why I'm sad. Because I don't want it to make me sad. When it makes me sad, it makes me a bad person.

2:36 p.m.: I'm doing better now. My thumb nail just broke. That's annoying, but I'll just use one of my nail tip extensions until it grows out to the same length. I just applied the tip. I wanted to stop wearing acrylics, but having one nail super short is too bothersome for me to deal with. I want to have super long natural nails but it's so hard to stop them from breaking when you have the motor skills of an intoxicated toddler. Luckily, I don't have the habit of chewing on my nails. Never have. I'm scared to develop that habit though because knowing my autistic self, I'd never be able to stop.

I'm leaving at four. I'm going with Ca and E to the art store. I need to get those ink pens. They were talking about my piercings. E complimented them. They asked if it hurt and which one hurt the most. I told them they were all just a slight pinch. I told them about the process and they got grossed out lol. They said I'm braver than them. Eh... no. I'm just a masochist with a giant needle kink. And also when you used to self-harm as severely as I did, most pain doesn't phase you. If I could inflict multiple gaping wounds that needed stitches ON MYSELF in less than a minute, of course someone slightly pinching me won't scare me at all. I'm not brave, I just have low self-preservtion instincts and am too kinky. Lol. Of course, I'm not going to tell them that, though.

I added more stuff to the 'Horror' page. I'm not linking it until I've got more done, but you can view it now anyway if you want. I just write my thoughts on horror content there. I have a lot of ideas on what to write about.

16th of July, 2020

5:47 p.m.: I wanted to write how things went OK and I was feeling better, but once again, all of a sudden, I'm so sad. What am I sad for? A lot. There's just no joy in life, at least for me. The things that do make me happy are rare, and they only last a short while before I'm suicidal again. "Getting sick of just waiting around to die / If the Reaper wants to meet me, then just give me a time". From Six Feet Under by Lil Revive/Josh A. I want to get drunk. I want to die. I need to get drunk or super high so I don't kill myself. Why do I even stop myself nowadays. Why can't I just go back to not caring about what happens to Bunny after I die and keep trying to kill myself every two weeks. I'm forcing myself to live for... nothing. I have no future and no hope. I want to be selfish again and just stop caring about Bunny and kill myself. But I can't because my hyper-empathy is back and in full-force. What a pathetic life. I just suffer every day. I have no one to talk to. I vent on this stupid site, some kind of void, so many times a day. All day, every day. I have a phone call scheduled with my doctor, but that's not my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist just kind of disappeared. Whatever. She was a bitch that only hurt me more anyway. And it's not like in any of these 17 years a psychiatrist has actually helped. No meds, no hospitalizations, no therapists, no psychiatrists, they never helped. And I've been in that shit since I was 5. I know for sure I'm damaged beyond repair. So... just why? Why continue to suffer like this? Nothing will ever get better, that's all a lie. I've always hated people who say that shit. I'm a great example of why not everyone gets better. So was A. A killed himself. Did it get better for him? Did it get better for everyone who suceeded in killing themselves? What about those who didn't or haven't tried but lived until their natural death suffering? You think it got better for them? such a blatant lie. And the people who say that know it's a lie. They want to keep you alive because they can use you as long as you're alive. It's all the government shit... People force you to be born, you have no choice in it. And they don't even give you your God-given right to kill yourself painlessly, peacefully, and for free whenever you want. Why? Why is it illegal? Because the government makes money off you. They make money off your suffering. Once you're dead, you're no use to them. That's why they try to keep you alive. That's why I've been thrown into the hospital so many times against my will. I hate the government.


I keep hearing Morse Code. I don't know what's up with that. It happens when my headphones are plugged into my laptop. Why would my laptop be doing that? Or am I just hallucinating. It's happened five times in the past two weeks. No, I can't translate it. My memory isn't good enough to remember it and then try to translate it online. But I'm really curious. I want to know what it is, what it's saying.

I've been going in and out of reality the past few days. Nothing is real. If it is, how do I tell? Nothing I experience is real. I get paranoid, I begin thinking I am doing bad things and don't understand I'm doing bad things because I'm crazy. I really don't know what to believe anymore. Having schizophrenia on top of being abused and severely gaslighted fucks you up for your entire life. I can't trust my brain. I can't trust anything. I can't trust if these meds are helping or not, I could be really bad right now and not realize it.

Maybe the reason I've been so sad lately is because of schizophrenia. Maybe it's getting bad again. Schizophrenia takes away joy from your life. And if the morse code is hallucinations, and I'm getting more paranoid than usual not just with "am I crazy is anything real," but "they're out to get me I need to protect myself," maybe It's getting bad again. And that scares me. It's really scary. I don't know what am I actually doing right now? Am I typing what I think I'm typing? Am I even typing at all? What if I think I'm sitting here on my bed downstairs typing when really I'm out murdering innocent animals? what if I'm saying really awful mean things to someone and I don't know I just think I'm typing about this on my site? What if everything is fine and I'm not even schizophrenic and people have lied to me and told me that so they can get away with hurting me even more? Is any of this even making sense?? Am I typing word salad right now?? Can anyone understand this??/?? I'm so unbelievably scared. I want to die. I don't want to live with this disorder. I'll never be a normal sane person with a normal sane life. I'll always be terrified of everyone and everyone will always be terrified of me because they think I'm some crazy killer. And maybe I am. Maybe I am and I don't even know it. I want to cry, but I can't. I don't know why I can't. I'm probably dehydatred. I don't know what to do anymore if I'm getting bad again. Because I've been taking my antipsychotics so they should stop it. I can't talk to anyone about this my family hurts me and Mère wouldn't understand I don't even know how much she knows about my disorders. I know she knows I have problems and take medications have been hospitalized and tried to kill myself multiple times but I've never talked about it with her and I don't want to because I DON'T TRUST HER. I want someone I can trust and talk to but there's no one. Everyone's scared of me and I'm scared of them. Why are they scared of me? I'm not the one who's going to hurt anyone, it's the people without schizophrenia that hurt us. They hurt us so much. They kill us and get away with it. The police kill us all the time and get away with it, we are blamed for the violence inflicted upon us because we're crazy. I'M SCARED OF YOU! You have no right to be scared of us. I'm so scared. Do you now how scary it is to fear everything and not be able to trust anything, not even your own brain? This is Hell. Schizophrenia is Hell. It's atually Hell. I'm in Hell. Please help me.

4:16 p.m.: Today has been good so far despite the minor inconvience of finding out I have more stuff to do... We still haven't gotten a criminal background check because they haven't been responding, but they finally responded today. Apparently I need two IDs, one with a picture, so now we have to wait for those to get in. And of course everything is so slow with COVID-19. Ugh. I just want this to be over with.

I went outside a few times to stare at the bees. They're giant! Absolutely adorable! I love bees so much! They really like the lavender. I brought in some lavender to put on the table, so now the kitchen smells like lavender and it makes me happy. I gave Bunny a dandelion. There's daisies outside. Daisies are one of my favourite flowers.

Ca gave me money for my graduation gift. I thanked her. I haven't talked to E at all yet. I don't think I will. I'm too nervous around people. I just pretend I don't notice her sitting there when I'm upstairs. I'm nervous about dinner. At home, we have never ever ate at the table. I'd always eat in my room. But here, I am to eat at the table so I don't upset Mère. There's too many people, too many people, I can't sit there around all these people. I've had a few times before where I ran downstairs during dinner because I was scared and Mère would be disappointed and everyone would judge me because I made a big scene but I can't help it. I know it upsets Mère to not be up at the table eating dinner with everyone and talking and smiling, but I CAN'T. That's not how my brain works. And it's because I'm autistic, so I can't change this! I'll try to force myself to stay seated but I might end up running downstairs. I'm so embarrassing. I'm almost an adult and I still act like I did when I was five. Mother told me, "You're not five anymore, you have to grow up," and that stuck with me. Because it's true. I'm so childish and embarrassing and pathetic and I need to act my age. But I'm autistic. So I can't change that. I can't change it because autism is incurable, it's not a mental illness that can be treated. It's how my brain is permanently wired. I feel like such a burden to society, because I am, and that I should just die since I'll never ever be a functioning member of society that provides anything for the human race. I just take and give nothing in return. I'm some stupid disabled loser that should kill himself already. Please, God, let me drop dead right now. I'm so ashamed of myself and my existence. I can't be angry when others tell me to kill myself or that I'm retarded or a burden or am only alive because humans interfered with natural selection by keeping disabled retards like me alive. BECAUSE THEY'RE RIGHT. Fuck. I hate myself so much.

2:03 p.m.: AH!!! MOTHER IS FINALLY OK WITH ME WEARING SKIRTS!!! She used to have a big problem with it and I tried telling her it's just fabric and if girls can wear pants boys can wear dresses and skirts but she was like, "Uh, no that's different." But she!!! finally realized how hypocritical and irrational it is! AND I'M SO HAPPY ! HAPPY BEYOND WORDS! And she publicly declared her support on social media! Hell yeah! Now I no longer have to worry about her starting shit when I wear skirts. I only wear skirts at home because they show my scars, but I love skirts. Oh, and also I "manspread" so wearing a skirt in public isn't a good idea for me. But yay!!! So, so so so happy! I'm glad she changed her mind on that!

10:49 a.m.: OH MY GOD!!!! New HEALTH single! New HEALTH single!!! NEW HEALTH SINGLE!!! Losing my mind!I'm so happy right now I can't stop hopping and flapping my hands, I'M SO SO HAPPY

15th of July, 2020

7:43 p.m.: Ugh. I say the stupidest shit when sad and drunk at the same time. Obviously, I don't hate all women. I love Mère. I love Mother. But I'm not deleting that letter because that's how I felt in that moment, and I like being honest. I understand women don't have some gene that makes them pedophiles and rapists. It's just that sometimes when I'm thinking about the CSA I went through, I get paranoid and say shit like that.

Anyway. I was sad-drunk. I ended up getting super high and I became happy. I watched some old Vinesauce streams, started a list on Listography for environmentally-friendly tips and resources and vegan documentaries, then slept. I love watching his Sunday streams on drugs. I also love watching non-euclidian videos when on drugs. I love watching non-euclidian videos even when sober, though. Non-euclidian geometry is just so wack and I LOVE it. Love all that Lovecraftian stuff. I'm probably spelling it wrong. Whatever.

Ca and my other cousin (let's call her E) are here. I haven't talked to E or Ca yet. They're upstairs. I'm downstairs. I'm just vaping and drinking Monster right now trying to calm my nerves because I'm really nervous around people. I'm always scared they're going to hurt me.

I want to volunteer somewhere. Well, I specific really want to volunteer at a bunny rescue. But I don't think there's any here. I just want to volunteer anywhere that I can help animals, but I really want to help bunnies since they're the most abused pet and no one really cares. Everyone thinks it's normal to keep bunnies in cages, that they only live a few months, that they can just live outside like a wild rabbit, that they don't need lots of attention and room to run around, that they can keep them in hutches outdoors and/or on wire flooring. That's all animal cruelty, all animal abuse, and yet most people don't understand that since bunnies are so misunderstood. I hate Easter because of this. Bunnies aren't decorations, they're a 10+ year commitment. Small animals but definitely not for beginners. They need to be free-roam, have lots of salads, you know... It's expensive, all the salads you have to make, all the litter and hay you need to buy, and bunnyproofing your house is hard work. You really shouldn't get a bunny if you want a low-maintenance pet, because bunnies aren't that. And this is all why I want to help save bunnies. I want to help them escape abusive homes, or to educate people on how to properly treat their bunnies, or to rescue pet bunnies people throw out into the wild. I don't want it to be my job, though, I still want to be a tattoo artist. I just want to volunteer at a bunny rescue.

14th of July, 2020

7:57 p.m.: I often get random organ pain. I have since I was about twelve. (since I started abusing drugs) I've learnt to live with it and I don't see a reason to bring it up to the doctor. For the past few days, what I think is my pancreas hurts so badly, a lot worse than usual. It's only gotten worse. Do I go tell the doctor? No. Instead, Iget drunk. And alcohol is probably what's causing my fucking organ pain in the first place. My body is so shit and my organs are literally decomposing inside my body. But I won't stop doing drugs. But I will continue to complain! I cause all my problems and then complain about them! Hah! Anyway, I'm drinking rum tonight. I want whiskey but there's none open. If I opened it, they'd know. So I'm just using the rum since it's already open. I bet I have cancer. I used to use cancer-causing pills every day for a year straight and it was BADD. I bet it's that and the alcohol finally catching up to me, and now I probably have cancer at 17. Life is fucking lit, man. As the kids say. Anyway, I need to go chug this because it really hurts nd I want it to numb ;-;

5:11 p.m.: I don't know why I've been missing my ex so much the past few days. Maybe it's just because I'm lonely. Listening to music that reminds me of him. It's not making me feel any better. What the heck is wrong with me? I feel so pathetic for wanting him back. He's never coming back. He never loved you. He lied to you about everything. You were nothing to him. That's why he left you dying from an overdose. He promised me he'd save me from this Hell. He promised me we'd get married and live in Alaska, away from all the bullshit in the world. What a liar. I was honest with him about everything. And yet he couldn't be honest with me. I don't know what it was he was using me for, but I feel used. He was definitely using me to have made me think he loved me. I'm so tired of giving everything to a person and literally worshipping them just to get nothing in return. They always leave me with nothing but more self-hatred and some pills to take the pain away. Everyone's a liar. I mean, myself included, but I don't lie about things like that. I don't make people think I love them when I don't and make all these promises and give someone hope just to destroy it. I don't trust anybody. They're always in it for themselves. No one loves like I do.

I have other exes, but it's only him that I still care about. Everyone else, I forgot about in a matter of weeks because I understood it wasn't meant to be. I don't know why he's different. I just want him back. Fuck.

I miss his voice. I miss having to calm him down when he got back from a fight. I miss how he told me to drink his blood whenever he got injured. I miss how sweet yet controlling he was with me. I miss comforting him. I miss him comforting me. I miss his hands. I miss all the nicknames he used to call me. I miss how he understood my schizophrenia since he probably had undiagnosed schizophrenia himself. I miss how patient he was with me. I miss how he was accepting of me being autistic. I miss him telling me about his interets, about skateboarding and D&D. I miss how he always offered to teach me how to play D&D so I could play with him and his friends, but we'd always get distracted with other things, and then promise to do it later, only to get distracted again. I miss his eyes. I miss his smiles. I miss making him happy.

I don't think... I care if I'm being used. I just want to make a man happy. Even if it's just shallow happiness and not happiness from him truly loving me, I want to make a man happy. It makes me happy when a man is happy. I miss having a man to make happy. That's all I want in life, is man I can make happy. I want to do something bad, that I haven't done since I was 15. Something I promised myself to stop doing. But I guess this time it's a bit different since I know I'm gay, not straight or bisexual. I want to get myself involved with an older man. It'd have to be online, though, with this COVID-19 stuff. I just want to make a man happy, that's all. I don't care anymore if I'm being used. I just want to be the reason a man smiles.

I complain about people using me yet go out and purposely try to get someone to use me. What the fuck is wrong with my brain? I can't complain. I have no right to complain. I want this. No, I don't. I'm just sad and mentally ill. I don't understand what I'm doing. I always regret it. I always feel like shit. Then stop. But I can't. I hope God forgives me. I hope I can forgive myself. I sabotage everything. I let everyone down, including myself. I try so hard to numb the pain and sadness. It never works. I'm sick of getting Mother to waste money on all these pills that change nothing. I can't be fixed.

2:53 p.m.: Apparently Ca is coming tomorrow, not today. My other cousin (not Jenny) may be coming with her, and I'm worried. I've never liked her. She's not rude, just... annoying. Really, really, REALLY annoying. It angers me. I haven't seen her in years, though, so maybe she's changed. She's an adult now, so I hope she's changed. I suppose I'll find out.

I was inking a piece I finished. I got new ones, the same brand but shades of grey. I need new black ones. My black ones I tried using are drying out. I've had them for probably close to two years now, they last a long time. Since all my artwork is monochrome, they've been used plenty of times and used to fill in solid backgrounds.

Mère made homemade granola. It's super yummy! It tasted so good, like Heaven, when it was warm and fresh.

10:51 a.m.: The nurse is coming soon. I finally remade Nekyia, I will now use it. Be careful if you click on that page, it's about Death. Oh, the nurse is here now. She just rang the doorbell. I stay downstairs when she comes. Al left yesterday morning, so it was just Mère and I. Ca is coming today. We're all part of a bubble, if that wasn't obvious. So, it's safe. The doctors say there's an "Atlantic bubble". I still think masks should be mandatory, though. It's better to be safe than sorry. Honestly, I love that masks are now socially acceptable. (Well, not so much here anymore as you're considered the bad one if you wear a mask.) Before this pandemic even started, all my life, I've wanted to wear a mask to hide my face in public. I was going to get a scarecrow bunny mask back in September to wear out in public, but I didn't end up getting it due to being worried people would think I'm going to do something bad. Then this pandemic started and now it's socially acceptable for me to do that? That's the only good thing about this pandemic. This is the mask wanted. I know it wouldn't help at all for COVID-19, obviously, it's not a medical mask. But I hope that once the vaccines are out, it still won't be that weird to see someone wearing a mask, so I can finally get it and wear it. It's not so much being made fun of that worries me as it is someone thinking I'm about to rob a place or something. Really, I just want to wear a mask because I hate my face and I don't feel like a real person/I'm a ghost so I want to hide my face from everyone. I'm absolutely harmless. Just some weird anxious ghost boy that takes comfort in being faceless. I don't think I'd mind showing my face as much when I get more facial piercings and a split tongue and face tattoos (those face tattoos would have to wait until I become a tattoo artist if I do because that's the only place it's good to have them). The reason being that my face would no longer remind me of my father or the woman who molested me. And I can finally look the way I want, so I'd be more confident.

The nurse just left. I want to draw. I also want to play Minecraft since I haven't played in a few days. I want to both at the same time, but I can't. I suppose I'll draw first. Minecraft isn't going anywhere, but my energy and motivation to draw will.

13th of July, 2020

5:14 p.m.: Why didn't you love me? Why did you lie to me? I'm so sad and so scared. It's slowly but surely approaching a year since you left me to die. I'm still not over you. I still miss you every single day. I still want you back. It hurts. Not just emotionally, but physically, too. I get so sad that it physically hurts. My heart physically hurts, and all the sobbing hurts as well. I get terrible headaches and become dehydrated. I want to get drunk. I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. I feel so sad and I just want to stop feeling sad. I feel like it will never get better. I want to die. Only drugs take away the pain, and what kind of life is that? Having to depend on cancer-causing organ-damaging chemicals to feel happy and make it to the next day? I'm pathetic. I want to cry. I can't cry any more. I'm too dehydrated. I want to relapse I still have benzos. I'm not supposed to touch them unless I'm having an anxiety attack, it was hard to get since the doctors know of my past addiction and overdoses and hospitalizations. But I feel so sad all I can think of to do is pop the entire bottle and blackout for a few days. I'll try not to. I'll just drink tonight. I want to drink now. But Mère would notice if I got drunk now. Should I pretend to go to sleep now so I can get drunk? That's probably not a good idea because I know she'd hear me moving around and she'd come downstairs to check on me and see a drunk Lucius and I don't want Gra-Mère to know I'm still relying on drugs. I know it'd break her heart, she's the only one that actually cares about me even a tiny bit. I don't want her to be sad or disappointed in me. I'm so pathetic.

11:26 a.m.: Yes, I can communicate with the dead. No, I won't temporarily bring your grandmother back to life so you can have a fucking conversation. Shut up. Go back to the playground. That's not how it works. Next time someone asks me this kind of stuff, I'm going to tell them, "Your grandmother is disappointed in you and said you're a dumbass." Like, there, that's what she said. Now LEAVE.

9:03 a.m.: CAVES! Caves, caves, caves, caves, caves! All I can think about this morning are CAVES! I want to infodump about caves! Caves are so cool. I have been in a few before, but nothing major at all. Sea caves, we have a lot of sea caves here, you can go inside them when the water is low. I used to sit in a specific one and play in the sand and stare out at the ocean. It was nice. I loved touching the walls of the cave, it felt so interesting. I don't like swimming or beaches. I just sometimes went, and all I'd do was sit in the cave. Sometimes I'd get up and walk around to go collect shells or build inuksuit. We're not in Northern Canada, but it's still common to see inuksuit here. I don't know if it's like that in other places or not. My province is a lot different from other provinces. Indigenous peoples and Acadians are very visible minorities here, but there's still so much tension between them and the anglophones. It's not like Quebec, Acadians aren't like that. We have our own history and culture and are different from Québécois. A lot of Acadians here speak Chiac. Chiac is a mix of Acadian French and Mi'kmaq. The Québécois really hate Chiac (they hate Acadian French in general, though). They're always about their French purity crap. When I was younger, there was something I'd always do in the winter. I'd like to start doing it again. What we'd do is throw maple syrup onto the snow, wait for it to get clumpy, then roll up the maple syrup snow onto a popsicle stick. It's called tire d'érable. It's very yummy, very sweet. I recommend trying it if you love sweet things. The best place to do it is the maple syrup shacks (often called sugar shacks or cabane à sucre). They make their own lovely maple syrup and often teach you how to make them correctly, they give you their maple syrup to try throwing on the snow. I've tapped trees before, it's a hard process, and the maple syrup didn't work well... But! I tried drinking the raw sap straight from the tree. It's yummy! It's like a really sweet water, like water with honey in it. I don't know if it's safe, though, so I don't suggest trying this.

Back to caves! I will post more to the Speleology shrine today. I'm going to watch some more cave documentaries. I want to post about ice caves!

12th of July, 2020

8:57 p.m.: Men with glasses are ... so handsome!! All men are handsome!!! Men are so pretty!

Last night, I got so fucked up I almost passed out walking up the stairs. I felt so ill. I couldn't stand. I felt like I was going to vomit. I had to lay down on the floor for about ten minutes before I could make it bck downstairs to my be to sleep it off. I went upstairs to get a snack and I felt so bad I couldn't finish making it, I just left it there and passed out when I got back to my bed. Mère noticed the snack. I pretended I forgot/was sleepwalking.... I'm not telling her what really happened. Lol.. I can tell you this, I'm not doing that much again. I wasn't happy, didn't feel good at all, no. I'm high right now. High and thinking about... men.. wow... men are perfect. All I want in life is man I can call mine and make happy. I want to be the reason a man smiles and finds joy in life... When I think of making a man happy, I get so happy. Because men deserve to be happy. I just want to give a man all my love, all my affection. I want to make a man know how perfect he is. Making a man happy is the best feeling in the world, for real. Men are so precious. I want a husband so badly! How do I get a husband?? What's the secret? I'm going to get myself a husband! I don't know when, but one day! I'm not going to be alone all my life! That'll be my motivation to live, to get myself a husband I can love and make happy. I love men 💜 And I know somewhere out there is man that'll love me! So, I'm going to find him! I don't know how, but I'll find a way. I guess the best way would be to meet people. Duh. And meet people that like what I like. So... when (if) I become a tattoo apprentice, that'll be a way. Excited for the future! I've been trying to work on my shaky hands. I'm going to ask my doctor if there's anything like medications I can take for it. Next time I see the man that pierced me the other day, I'm going to tell him I want to be a tattoo artist. I know he'll give me advice.

4:52 p.m.: I'm feeling better. I suppose I just needed some time to calm down and think rationally. I don't care about it anymore. I caught some more Mimikyu, but haven't encountered a shiny yet. I'm not going to rest until I get a shiny Mimikyu! A writer follow me on Tumblr. I don't usually check my notifications because they're always spammed with porn bots, but I'm glad I did. I checked out his blog. He writes horror stories. I read two so far, they're cool. It's inspiring. I used to write all the time until I was 14. I even won an award for i and everyone, including my teachers, told me I was way above my age and college-level. Then mental illness and brain damage destroyed my ability to write and writing started to make me sad since I got so bad at it due to mental illness and drugs. I only used to write horror stories. Reading books I buy doesn't inspire me because they always feel like they weren't written by a normal, everyday person. So, seeing some regular man share all his cool horror stories online is actually inspiring. Reading through his blog makes me want to try writing again.

There's a bunch of new cases where Mother is, so she can't come back in August anymore. She booked a ticket for September 12th. I wanted to kill myself before my 18th birthday, but that's after my birthday, and I want to see Mother before I die. So, I guess my life has been extended. Gives me more time to catch a Shiny Mimikyu, I suppose.

??? a.m.: This hasn't been a very good morning. I'm not going to get into it. I want to vent about it, but it's not safe here. So. I don't really know how to deal with the feelings, I'm really scared and anxious. Venting usually would help, but she's watching me. I don't usually do this, I don't like to do it, but if someone can listen to me privately vent about this, I think that'd help. Discord is the only way she can't see, you can't PM someone on Neocities. My tag is OMENS#1984. Great thanks in advance. I won't use you as a dumping ground for all of my problems, I just really need to get this specific thing out once.

"Try to talk about something positive," is what Mimikyu is telling me to do. It's hard for me to think of something positive right now. I'm shaking. But, I guess something positive is that I'm still working on shiny-hunting. I'm looking for a shiny Mimikyu... I already have on Mimikyu, it's a normal one. I want a shiny one!!! I want a whole bunch of Mimikyu, whether they're shiny or not!

11th of July, 2020

2:45 p.m.: ... There's been an accident. I spilt my Monster all over the floor, on the internet cables and WiFi router. I cried. I'm still sad about it... I had just opened it, so there was a lot that spilt. There was only a little left in the can. I'm so sad. Such a waste, all that Monster went to waste... Oh, the internet is fine. It didn't destroy any of the wires despite spilling all over them and the router.

Today has been... OK. Boring, as every day is for me. Lonely, as always. I fed Bunny a banana. She peed on my big blanket... That's OK. It can be washed. I haven't really done much today. I drew for a bit. I played more Pokémon. I found out what time the construction starts, at 7. So, I will return to reading outside in the morning, I will go out at 6 a.m. and read for an hour with some tea and Mimikyu. I really want to visit the cemetery. I am nervous to ask Mère to take me, I worry she will get sad remembering Père. But I really want to go relax in the cemetery, talk to the dead, clean some headstones. I haven't been to a cemetery since I came here, to Mère's. That's so long for me to go without stopping at a cemetery... It's really taking a toll on my mood. The cemetery is what makes me happy. When I don't go, I get really sad and I feel guilty. Because I'm the only person that cares about them. I'm the only one that talks to them, I'm the only one that bothers to give gifts and clean up the headstones of old, forgotten graves. I am the only one that remembers people that died long ago. I feel like it's my duty, taking care of the dead is an obligation. So, to not have done this in a while, I feel guilty beyond words. I hope Death isn't angry. I hope he understands why I haven't been doing my job.

We think it's the construction workers who keep cutting our power off.... Annoying. Very annoying. I don't like them. They're noisy. They're loud. They mess with our power. They destroy this peaceful quiet forest just to make an ugly suburb for annoying, loud people. For the same type of people who were setting off fireworks at 12-1 a.m. last night... for no reason. Ugh. I don't understand loud people. Just... please, be quiet. It's not that hard.

Anyhow. I'm going to watch those horror movies. I forgot to share my Letterboxd. I'll link it to the main page where all my other links are later. For now, you can check it out here. Off I go now.

10:39 a.m.: Hi! Lucius is letting me write most of this entry. I type for him, though, as always. He doesn't have hands to type (yet). The neighbours set off fireworks last night. They were late for Canada Day. It annoyed Lucius. It did. I thought it was gunshots. We hear gunshots all the time back home since Lucius lives in the country. We hear tanks, too... The military base, it's so loud. If you've never heard a tank in person, it's LOUD and you can hear it from miles away. The base is an hour away. Lucius grew up around lots of military things. I did, yes. Because of my father, he's a veteran of 30 years (rounded up). I hate the military and see it as an evil thing that preys on the insecurities of men and takes advantage of their life-long abuse. We need to talk about something happy! Or -ier! Lucius' ears are doing well. He's having trouble sleeping on his back since he usually sleeps in a fetal position. He falls asleep on his back but tosses around. The other day, his ears were bleeding when he woke up because of that. But they didn't this morning! So that's good! I haven't cleaned them yet this morning. I'll do it after this entry. Do it now! OK. I'll write more later.

10th of July, 2020

8:46 p.m.: ... I did my injection. When I put the cap back on after I was done the injection, the needle somehow broke. It broke off and it's sticking out of the side of the cap. It poked me in the finger. My fingertip. It started bleeding. I washed it with hands and soap. There was still some stuff on it, so I hope it'll be fine.

I'll be gone in a few... soon... Gone as in another world. NO, not like that. I mean, mentally. Recreationally. High. Tripping. I feel better. Grinded some in Pokémon... onto Shiny-hunting. I need to clean my piercings now before I get too gone. Bye. Mimikyu is still here!

5:23 p.m.: Al called me up for dinner about fifteen minutes ago. I didn't realize it was already 5 p.m., I thought it was still 1 p.m. I've just been laying in bed crying. I don't feel any better from last entry. I feel more suicidal. I feel like I'm slowly gaining the energy to act on it. The more I lay around sad and doing nothing like this, the more energy I get, but my sadness only worsens. And that's dangerous. But I can't make myself feel better. I tried playing my favourite games, it's not making me happy. I'm listening to music, it's not helping. I don't want to be here. I want to die. My antidepressants may give me more energy some days, but that means nothing when you have no friends. The antidepressants don't give me company, they don't change what makes me sad, they just give you more energy to act on your suicidal urges. They work for others because they actually have friends and support to help them. Antidepressants alone don't make you happy. So... I'm just wasting Mother's money. I want to stop taking them. I don't want to waste her money like this. Just let me die. It's going to happen soon whether or not I'm on the antidepressants since nothing will change, so we should just stop wasting the money now. I hate myself.

1:07 p.m.: The baby bunny is still alive. They said he's doing well. He's going to a rescue today. He's a Snowshoe hare. Even though I hate my sister, I am happy and thankful she cut open the rabbit to save the baby. I couldn't do that because I'd worry I'd accidentally stab the babies when cutting her open. She probably knew what she was doing. She is into taxidermy and wants to be a vet, so. I'm not that into taxidermy. I like Death, but I like human corpses. That's what interests me. My sister doesn't like Death like me, she just likes taxidermy because she likes animals. But I do plan on getting Bunny taxidermied once she dies because I love her lots and I want her to remain with me, even if it's just her fur. I can pet her when I'm upset, it'll calm me down since her fur is so soft and I can remember how happy she made me.

Bunny is hiding under a chair right now. Bunnies love to hide under things. I gave her a treat this morning. She runs around me in circles when she smells the treats. I was on videocall with Mother, so I showed her. She thought it was adorable.

I don't feel very good. I feel sad. I feel sad because I'm lonely. I'm listening to music trying to feel better, but it's not helping... I feel so drained. All I want to do is talk to someone, but I can't. I feel hopeless, like things will never change. I'll never have friends. I want to distract myself with something, but I don't have the energy to do anything that makes me happy. I want to cry. I really want to die. I don't have the energy to try killing myself right now, so I'm just praying I drop dead today. Drop dead right at this moment, that's what I want. I feel miserable. I can't make friends in real life, so the logical solution would be to make an online friend, but I don't know how. I don't know anyone online. And people online, if I were to talk to them, they'd know of this site and hate me because of what I write here. Anyone who reads this knows I'm a shitty friend that drags everyone down. Everyone hates me and wants to avoid me. So if I tried to talk to someone, I know they'd feel uncomfortable and wish I didn't. I don't like approaching people. I just hope people approach me, but that's dumb, I know that. Because nobody ever comes to me. You have to reach out to others if you want a friend, but I can't do that, so I'll remain friendless. I'll continue complaining about being friendless and do nothing about it. I'm just going to sleep.

9th of July, 2020

10:25 p.m.: My ears are 16g, by the way. So, it was a bit of a thick needle. It felt good. Very relaxing, needles make me feel that way.

C ran over a wild bunny. It was pregnant. My sister apparently cut open her stomach. All her babies were dead except one. His eyes were open and he had fur, so my sister took him home. She's bringing him to the vet tomorrow since they're closed right now and the vet will take him to a rescue. I saw a picture of the baby bunny, he's very cute. I hope he'll be OK.

I'm so high... want a man to cuddle with and smoke with and watch horror movies with. Ah, all I want to do is cuddle a man. I love men so much. Men are just... perfect. Oh my Lord, so perfect. Their voices make me melt. Especially when I'm high, I literally feel like I'm melting when I listen to men's voices. So beautiful. Have you ever heard a man's voice? What kind of question is that. Obviously whoever is reading this has. Whoever reading this is likely to be a man, too, I imagine. I think this site has a lot of men. And in that case, I love you... I love you so much... You deserve to be happy. I hope you learn to love yourself if you don't already. But back to men's voices, holy Lord! I love men.

7:18 p.m.: Okay, I think I'm calm enough now to try and write something more positive. I'm still shaking a bit, he reminds me of my father. I told Mother and she got really upset and said she'sk icking him out. That's god. But more positive, not talking about C and my sister. I got my ears pierced. Here's a picture.

He said he usually has trouble with doubles getting them perfectly even, but he said it was incredibly easy because my ears are so symmetrical. My other ear has them, too. I really liked this piercer. He was so sweet. I think I'm going to go to him from now on. He told me about a tattoo piece on his chest he's been getting work on. He said he's going in for five hours tomorrow. It's a giant octopus fighting a spaceship. He said he wanted it since he was 18 and is now 32, he explained why he waited so long and gave me advice on how to pick a tattoo artist. He didn't say, "Go to me," he gave me great advice. He said to choose an artist that is excited to give you your tattoo and that doesn't view it as just another name on the waitlist. To me, he's that person. So, I want him to do my tattoos. He's such a cool person and I was only with him for about fifteen minutes. He was handsome, too. He looked so cool!!! He had implants on his arm that look awesome. It looked like ribs on his arms, I loved it. I don't plan on getting implants because they're just not for me, but I think they look wicked cool on others! Also, he has a great taste in music. Playing experimental hip-hop. It was such a lovely experience there. Definitely not going to be my last time there!

6:49 p.m.: That was terrible. That was terrible. That was absolutely terrible. I'm still scared. They were being raicst again, I got angry but pretended I didn't hear and was listening to music because I was scared htey'd hurt me this time. And I'm so glad I didn't say anything because right after C got out of the car and kicked the car with me in it and screamed and it terrified me. He's going to hatecrime me one day, he's going to hatecrime me soon and I KNOW it. I want to vomit, I'm still so scared. I can't protect myself. I am 152.4 cm (5'0) and 36kg (79 pound). I cannot defend myself from anything. I have no one to protect me. I have no friends. I don't have a boyfriend that can protect me either. MOther is in a different country. He is going to hatecrime me and I know it and I'm so scared of him and I NEED to stay away from him for now on at all costs. I think I'm going to go vomit. I'll try to write happy stuff after I calm down. I'm sorry.

1:23 p.m.: Apparently when they're picking me up, there will be their friend. I've never met him before. Funnily enough, he has the same name as C, so I'll just call him C2. I told Mother, "I hope he doesn't act like C." She said he wasn't. She said he's very quiet and nice, like me. So now I'm kind of excited to meet him. I like quiet people.

10:24 a.m.: Mère was good yesterday. Somewhat. She made tea biscuits, they're very good. It seemed to be a good distraction for her because she was smiling and laughing while making them.

My appointment is today. I am worried my sister and C will refuse to wears masks and so the piercer will not let me in. I am not one of those people who are like, "Wear a mask or you're a murderer," as long as they still social distance, but the piercer requires masks to be worn for obvious reasons. The reason I'm worried they'll refuse is because last Thursday they made up a bullshit excuse to not wear masks. They put one on for literally a second and then said, "I can't breathe in this," and took it off. What the heck? If your lungs are so weak you can't wear a doctor-approved medical mask, you need to go to the hospital right away because you'd be freaking dead by now. Like, there's really no excuse these two healthy adults can't wear a mask. I have a terrible body with terrible organs, terrible lungs, AND a septum piercing, and yet I wear a mask without complaining. So shut up. If they can't wear a mask for the few minutes my piercing appointment will take, I will scream at them. I hate them so much. Oh, and I'm worried about seeing C again after I called him out for being racist last Thursday. I just hope he's forgotten about it by now and that he doesn't beat me up.

This is a different piercer. I've really liked this guy's work that I've seen online. He does scarification, which is super cool. I kind of want some scarification done, but I already have so many permanent scars from severe self-harm, so I'd rather not have even more of my skin be completely scar tissue. And also, I want all my tattoos/body mods to be black, so the pale pink or white of healed scarification would ruin what I'm going for. I love the look of solid black tattoos. I don't mean complete blackwork (like covering entire parts of your body with solid black ink). I think blackwork is awesome and I'd be interested in getting some done one day, but I mean just black tattoos that aren't greyscale, if you get what I mean. Negative space instead of other colours beside a solid black. Those heal/fade very well, too, so that's a bonus.

Speaking of tattoos, I'd just like to say tattoos do in fact look wonderful on dark skin, people that say they don't are just racist. And you're not a tattoo artist until you can properly tattoo dark skin. You shouldn't be tattooing real people yet if you can't tattoo dark skin. You should still be an apprentice.

But, I'm so excited! I love getting new body mods, it's one of my favourite things in the world. I don't have any tattoos yet. I was actually supposed to get my first tattoo in October, but it was postponed. Then COVID-19 happened, so I couldn't get it. But I'm going to get it when Mother comes back home, so probably in August. It's nothing super detailed. I'm just getting a solid black silhouette of bats flying up my arm. Once I'm 18, I plan on extending some of the bats to my hand. I tried to get my hand done with my arm back in October, but all studios understandably refused to tattoo the hand of a minor, so I have to wait. I've been wanting this tattoo for years now, so I know it's not something I'll regret. It's not an edgy phase tattoo. Bats are some of my favourite animals, always have been, and it's also partly for my love of stereotypical Halloween imagery. I also have a couple tattoos in mind that I want to get to remember A. Especially the numbers. We had a specific number we called ourselves and we promised we'd get it tattooed on both of us to represent our bond. Even though he's dead, I still want that tattoo. I want to keep my end of the promise.

Since then, my number has changed, but that old number is the one I want to get tattooed. My new number is "616".

He had a tattoo of his favourite band. He loved that band more than anything, even Lil Peep, which is saying a lot. He would play their songs all the time and tell me a bunch of information about them and how all the shows of theirs he went to were like. He had so much for love that band. It was one of the few things in this world that made him happy, and therefore, I want to get that same tattoo one day.

8th of July, 2020

9:43 p.m.: Things that have happened since the past entry... I cried because of how much I love men right after posting that. I cried for about half an hour. I smashed my head against the wall. I had a panic attack. Then I played Pokémon for a bit. I just went and took my night medications. I forgot to take my morning medication yesterday and the other day. Maybe that's why I've been kind of sad. I took them today, though.

Last night, I watched Missing 411: The Hunted. It was trash. I hate how they tried to turn something that was already horrifying, the hundreds of people gone missing in National Parks, into something more "sensational" and trying to say aliens and/or Sasquatch did it. What the heck? That's literally so disrespectful to those victims... But, I will say those sounds they played were very interesting. Apparently they're nicknamed the "Sierra Sounds." It's quite unbelievable audio. It really does at some points sound like those animals are speaking a human language. I searched it up afterwards because it interested me. I don't think those sounds were Sasquatch, I don't believe in it, but I do think they were real recordings/sounds. It was recorded in 1974 and the hunters talk over it, it'd be awful hard to fake. But animals make strange sounds. I can tell you that living out in the country all my life. But I haven't heard an animal like that. Doesn't mean it's Sasquatch or some monster, though. Probably just some animal we already know of but not that much, and we don't know how intelligent they are yet because of that. A lot of people think we know everything there is to know about common/known species of animal, but we really don't. You'd be surprised just how little we know about some of the most common animals in this world. So, I wouldn't be surprised if it was an animal we already know of just making sounds we've never heard from them before. I think the belief in Sasquatch is a stretch. I get that there have been cryptids found to exist. But the thing is those few cryptids are either species of an animal we already know exists but with minor variations, or they're in a place humans don't explore much. To think that an eight foot and taller extremely loud monkey lives in every forest and sighted by thousands of people except scientists that gather proof is a bit too far beyond a reasonable mindset. We would've found those by now. The recordings are still cool to listen to, though. I say give it a listen if you're curious or want a tiny spook.

5:44 p.m.: Does anyone know what Special Sauce is and why I'm on the front page of it? It's honestly unsettling being showcased like this and not knowing what it means. I thought maybe it was because a few months ago I set my site to 18+, but I removed that, so that wouldn't be it, right? I removed it because I was afraid Neocities would check this 18+ marked site and see I was 17 and think I was doing something bad when I really just don't want children to access this even if I am a minor (until September). If I'm still around in September after my birthday, I'll mark this site back as 18+. So if I never appear in the "Last Updated" page again it's not because I deleted this site (probably), it'd just be hidden from that page.

I want to drink. I was watching a video and this man had alcohol in the background and now I want to drink. I had to shut off the video. Why? I've never been like this before. Even when I was in the worst of my alcoholism, seeing other people drink alcohol didn't make me want to drink. It was being sad and/or seeing it in person that made me want to drink. So I don't know why this suddenly started happening for the past few weeks. It's annoying having to constantly remove myself from any talk of alcohol to avoid drinking.

I'm freezing. So, so cold. The temperature outside is 16°C (61°F). That's not cold. My body just doesn't generate much heat to warm me up due to starving. So, I'm always cold. People always look at me funny when I'm out in public in hot weather wearing my giant oversized black hoodie, but I'm freezing. I want to cuddle with a warm man. I have this big blanket (comforter?) wrapped around me. But it's not the same. I want a husband!

Costa Rica, where Mother has been, legalized gay marriage not too long ago. That was nice to hear about. It's been legal in Canada for a few years, since 2005. I always find it funny when homophobes tell me to suck their dicks. You understand that's gay, right? But I mean, if you want me to, I probably won't say no (I'm JOKING). Anyway. I'm feeling much love for men today. As I do every day.

I love it when men express their emotions. I don't like it when they keep everything inside. I'm not angry at them for that, I get that most men have been abused and coniditioned their entire life to think they're not allowed to have emotions. But I just don't like it. I love men that tell me when they need a shoulder to cry on and express all their feelings, negative or positive. My last ex had a big problem with telling me about his feelings. He had severe depression and obvously needed someone there to help him and offer support, but he never let me. It broke my heart. I tried everything to help him, but he wouldnt' let me at all. It's such a terrible position to be in for both of the people. Especially since he oferred so much support to me. It made me feel like I was selfish and only taking even though I genuinely cared and tried my best to help him and it was him that refused.

I love men with gentle voices. I don't mean high-pitched, deep voices can be gentle as well. It's hard to explain. Just gentle voices. Voices that sound like a hug. I find a lot of men have voices like that, and it's so calming for me. I only feel calm around men. They make me feel like everything bad in the world has disappeared and I'm safe. I love it when I hug men and my face is in their chest because I'm so short. I love listening to their heartbeat, it calms me down. I can't think of anything I dislike about men. I love their souls, I love their personalities, and I love their bodies. GOSH, are men ever beautiful! Just... completely gorgeous. An endless amount of appearances men can have and they're all gorgeous. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating. That's genuinely how I feel.

I'm so much happier now that I've realized I'm gay. It was a long, confused road to figure my sexuality out, and it caused me to do many things I regret. I rgret all my experiences with women, I feel dirty and violated from them even the ones that I thought I was OK with at the time. At first, I thought I was straight. Then I thought I was bisexual. Then I thought I was gay. Then I thought I was straight again. Then I thought I was bisexual with a strong preference for women. Then I thought I was bisexual with a strong preference for men. And now? I've realized and accepted that I'm gay, and it feels great. I can finally embrace my love for men without worrying I'm actually straight and will regret it or being ashamed. I love loving men. I don't care anymore what people think. I'll go on about how much I love men if I want to, and doing that makes me happy, so I'll do it always.

On a less wholesome subject, which I don't usually talk about, I love dick. SORRY. I just had to say that. Of course everyone knows that since I'm gay, but I had to get that out anyway LOL. I'm a weirdo with near reverence for dick. I don't usually talk about that kind of stuff because I feel awkward. I don't know why. I already have warnings up about it here and it's not like I'm forcing anyone to listen to me go on about how much I love dick. People can just exit out of the tab if they don't want to read it. And everyone that's read this site knows I'm gay, so they already know I like dick. I guess I just wish I was more... graceful? About it. Like, I wish I could write some more wholesome stuff about dick and not just sound like all I think of is sex because that's really not the case. I don't know how to explain it, but I do have a kind of wholesome mindset on dick. This will sound really weird, I know. But, I'm rarely horny most of the time I think, "I love dick," (which is 24/7). It's just another part of the male body that I think is gorgeous. The same love and wholesome feelings I have about men's lips or their eyes or their smile or... literally everything about their body. I just love men and I think they're beautiful and I want them to know that there's nothing they should feel ashamed about because they're ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. I just want men to be happy... I'd do anything to have a man that I can make happy. When men are happy, I'm happy. It warms my heart and makes me feel like life is worth living. And so, if worshipping dick helps their insecurities but also makes them feel physically good, that's great to me. Two birds with one stone, makes them physically and mentally happy/feel good.

Despite my low empathy for living humans, it's real different when it comes to men in general. I just care so much about them and it pains me to see men sad. I want men to be happy. I don't really know why men are the exception. Maybe it has something to do with never having a father figure and instead a scary stranger in his place. Or maybe it's all the trauma from women. Who knows. All I know is that I love men.

4:06 p.m.: Ah... it's $180 for the four piercings tomorrow. I FEEL SO BAD! Mother's paying for it. I know it's basically a graduation gift, but I feel so bad I can only pay $40 of it and not all of it. But I'll try not to feel too guilty. I'm really appreciative of Mother wasting the money for me to get more piercings. I'm getting two on each ear, that's why it's four and expensive. Believe it or not, my first ever piercing was in fact my septum. Yeah. I didn't even have my earlobes pierced before the septum LOL. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then I learnt everyone thinks the septum piercing is a weird piercing to start off with since it's so noticeable and apparently "so painful". It wasn't even that painful. People are kind of weird. Whatever, though. Double ear lobe piercings on each ear. I want to eventually have a bunch of ear piercings. I want to get a triple helix and put black studs/spikes in them. If you don't know what I mean, here's a picture of what triple helix spikes look like. Those but in black. For now, though, I'm just getting two black rings on each ear. Well, silver until it heals up more and then they'll be black when I change the jewellery. But one of the rings on one of the ears I'll eventually change into a black cross. I already know what one I want. I already have all the ear piercings I want planned down. Same with my facial piercings. I have my future setup all planned out. I might share the plans later today. The general "theme" is black spikes/studs and rings. Simple, but that's my favourite.

11:16 a.m.: I changed my Discord tag. It's now OMENS#1984. I changed it because the only thing in my mind is, "I'm about to channel my omens."

Bunny woke me up five times by jumping onto my bed. I would sleepily pet her and then put her down on the floor and then fall back asleep. I truly woke up about 20 minutes ago. I ate some fruit. I brewed some tea but I'm waiting for it to cool down. Uh, I forgot about that. It's probably cold now. I forgot to take my morning medications, too, so I should go do that.

7th of July, 2020

5:34 p.m.: I'm so angry at myself for deleting the "Not Found" page a few months ago because no matter what I try, I can't get it back! I try creating new files with the same name, but it doesn't work. It doesn't redirect you to it. If someone is reading this and knows how to get it back, PLEASE tell me because I want to customize it. You can just comment on my Neocities profile or reach out to me on Discord. I have no idea how to get it back, ugh.

Anyhow, I'm going to finally "fancy" up my shrines and probably re-do my Mimikyu shrine.

5:05 p.m.: Mother called me to tell me tomorrow is Mère et Père's wedding anniversary. It'll probably be a very hard day for Mère. On the 10th, it will be four weeks since Père died.

On a more positive note, MOther said she has been feeding the giant moths oranges. Apparently there's a specific kind of giant moth over there that just loves them! So, she leaves out big oranges (sliced open) and the moths go and feed on it in bunches. She sent me a picture of one. You can see it here. But now it is dinner, so I have to go!

4:41 p.m.: We set the line height to make this site more readable.

The power has gone out four times already this week. There have been no storms. We don't know what's causing it.

I blacked out once this morning.

There's something strange on my collar bone. I noticed it when I was taking a shower not too long ago. There's a blood blister, but I can see underneath the blood blister two holes. I was picking at it absent-mindledly this morning. It hurts when anything presses against it. I think maybe Bunny did it when I was sleeping. She needs her nails trimmed, but I can't do it myself, so I'm waiting until Thursday for my sister to do it.

Ca left. Al came. Sh didn't come with her. Olive is here. I'm so bored. I want to talk to someone. I want to play Minecraft with someone. But I can't since I don't have friends. I'm too nervous to join any public servers.

10:30 a.m.: Hi! Good morning. Can you guess what I woke up to? Yes, it was Bunny jumping on my bed again. Well, this time it wasn't the jump. It was her sitting on my hand. When I woke up, there was something beeping. I couldn't figure out what it was. It was coming from that room underneath the stairs. I went upstairs to try and wake Mère up. I couldn't wake her up, so I woke Ca up instead. She went and fixed the beeping. She said it was some light. The power has been going out randomly the past week or two, also. I don't know why. It's not storming or anything. It's actually been unbearably hot over here. Um, how am I feeling this morning? OK. A bit bored, but better than last night. I'm not sad. I didn't drink last night. My medications put me to sleep... eventually. I was up for a few more hours after the last entry but I was strong enough to not drink. I distracted myself by playing Amnesia: The Dark Descent. So much nostalgia.

I don't like it when I hear beeping in a house that I don't know where it's coming from. Because we've had some accidents at home. One night some electrical box (I don't know what it's called) caught fire, so I'm really nervous about any beeping like that now. Or any smell of smoke or burning inside a house. One of my worst fears is a house I'm in catching fire and not being able to save my animal friends. I'd try to get Bunny out before myself if that were to ever happen because I care about her more than myself, but I'm still paranoid. But despite that I actually really like fire. Just not inside the house, you know. I love the smell of wood burning. The only fire I'm OK with inside the house is the stove here in Mère's basement. I sleep in the room downstairs, it's beside the basement. Well, this is technically part of the basement then, I guess. I have a big problem with unfurnished basements because that's where she used to take me often to molest me and other stuff, but the basement here is furnished and nice, so I'm OK with it. I really like attics. I want to live in an attic.

What have I done so far today... I laid in bed and played Pokémon for a while because I was too tired to get up but too awake to fall back asleep. Then I made myself a vegan American parfait and brewed some tea. I gave Bunny the rest of the banana I used, she loves bananas. The nurse came to do Mère's injection not too long ago. They have to disinfect everything she touches after she leaves, so it smells like cleaning products. It burns my nose, so I'm hiding downstairs until the smell goes away. Then I'll go back up, pick some dandelions for Bunny outside and play some Pokèmon.

Every now and then, I grow tired of playing Vanilla. Usually when that happens, I take a break from it and play my Biomes O' Plenty world again, but none of the mods I use have updated to 1.16 yet asides from Xaero's Minimap. So, I decided to download some new mods. I got one called Oh, The Biomes You'll Go. I really like it so far. I think I'll use this one instead of Biomes O' Plenty from now on. I made a new survival world with the new mods, generated with BYG/Biomes You'll Go. I got a really nifty mod that cuts down the whole tree if you break one log. It's especially useful since there's lots of tall trees with that biome mod. I don't know any of the biomes the mod contains really, I just downloaded it blindly. But I spawned in what F3 tells me is an Autumnal Valley. There's a bunch of different forest biomes surrounding it. It's really pretty. I started to build my house in one of the forest biomes beside the Autumnal Valley. I don't know what it's called, but it's this dark forest with beautiful trees, glowing plants, and fancy giant mushrooms (different from the default Minecraft ones). It reminds me of the Glimwood Tangle from Pokémon SwSh. I'll post some pictures to my Minecraft sideblog later tody. First, I need to finish the theme. I tried making it earlier this morning, but for some reason Tumblr custom themes are broken? No matter what, even though the code is correct, all that shows up is the text, "[Object Object]". I tried pasting all the old themes I made to see if I was just doing something wrong, but all of them are doing that. I don't know what's up with that. I'm going to go try again now, maybe it's fixed now.

6th of July, 2020

9:02 p.m.: I just took my night medications. I feel sad. Everyone is so different from me. And I don't mean in a self-righteous arrogant way, I mean that in a sad way. It hurts that there's no one I can relate to. I mean, I know it's for the best. If someone related to me, that'd mean they're in a real bad place, and I don't want that. But I wish someone could understand. Doesn't matter how many people feel lonely. We're all alone in our loneliness. We all experience things differently. We've all been through different things and we all react differently, so no one can ever understand. But I never even met a person who has had a similar experience to me. I don't know anyone my age who's gone through what I've gone through. I don't know anyone of any age that had the one they love kill themselves because of them. I never seen a person who's as isolated as me, as friendless as me. Yes, lots of people claim they're friendless, but they're really not. They haven't only talked to family since they were 13. They haven't never had even an acquaintance since they were 13. They haven't spent their entire life alone like I have. They weren't mute until they were 11 years old and ignored and bullied for being mute. And I'm not trying to invalidate anyone. I get people who say they're friendless when they have friends mean they just feel like they're not real friends. But still, it's not the same, they don't understand, that's what I'm trying to say. I would do anything just to have someone to talk to every once in a while. I can't help but be jealous. I'd rather have friends and feel lonely sometimes than have no one at all. My life is so lonely and isolated. My life is so lifeless. I'm not going to try anything, but I'm praying I don't wake up tomorrow. Then again, I pray to not wake up every night. This is nothing new. There's never anything new. Always the same stuff written here. Sometimes worded a bit differently, but I just repeat myself over and over. "I'm sad." "I'm sad." "I'm sad." Endless petty and ungrateful rants. That's all this is. I'm a whingebag. I try to tell myself I'm doing better, but am I really? I've only gotten better at distracting myself. I'm still just as sad and suicidal and pathetic and terrible. I want to die again. I'll never be the person I want to be and I'll never have the life I want. I'm waiting for the medications to kick in and knock me out, but I'm not tired yet. I really hope I can sleep tonight because I may get drunk if I don't. I wish I had someone to talk to. I want to stay up all night with someone smoking weed and listening to music, like A and I used to do every night. Those are still my favourite memories. That's still my favourite thing to do. I want someone I can keep up that tradition with, but I have no one. And I'm not blaming anyone. I'm a terrible person that drags everyone down so much they have to kill themselves to escape me. I can't blame a single person for not liking me and not talking to me. I just wish things were different. I really wish things were different.

8:18 p.m.: Well, permanent dark circles are no longer the only thing "wrong" appearance-wise about my eyes. Now there's noticeable veins underneath and around my eyes. I look terrible and I LOVE it. Grey skin, blue nails, severe dark circles, and now veins surrounding my eyes? I think that's quite sexy of my body to make me look like the living dead. Because I am. I'm a ghost. Now no one can deny that with how ghostly I look.

5:49 p.m.: I don't feel so good. I feel like I'm going to vomit and my heart is beting unbearably fast. It's hard to breathe. It's not a panic or anxiety attack. It feels more like an overdose of sorts. It's not, though, I haven't overdosed. I took my medications about ten minutes ago. Are my antidepressants doing this? Whatever. I'll be fine. I'm not fine but I'll be fine. I feel lonely. I can't enjoy anything right now, so that's why I came here to write, to give Lucius something to do. I think I'm going to make a schizophrenia log on Listography, log my hallucinations and blackouts when I realize them. Maybe I'm hallucinating right now, tactile. I feel something moving inside my body. But that could just be whatever is making me feel sick, it could be sickness, it could be nothing, I could not be hallucinating. Usually when I feel something moving inside me it's SDP, secondary delusional parasitosis. And I cut to try and get it out, get the worms out. But I know that's not what it is right now. I only talked about my experience with SDP once on the old vent page that I deleted. I'm smoking like crazy trying to get myself together. Stims don't help the fast-beating heart, but it's all I know how to do. Smoke when you're stressed. Do those drugs. Take some pills. Drink some whiskey. That kind of stuff. Snort some stuff. I think my organs are decomposing inside my body. I'm being serious.

OH. LOL. I just realized why I'm feeling this way. It was an anxiety attack. Holy crap, I'm dumb. I just remembered what I was thinking about before this happened. I was thinking about how scared I am to go home. I was scared to go home before, but now I'm real terrified since I called out C for being racist the other day. I'm dead terrified he's going to beat me up if I go home. I've always been worried he'd beat me up for various reasons, because he's dating my psycopathic sister, or because he's anti-LGBT. I don't want to go home until Mother comes back because she'll kick him out. She doesn't like him at all. Neither does my father, but he's not coming home, just Mother. Mother said that she herself will beat his ass if she ever catches him being racist around her. GOOD. I'd beat him up if I was actually... not a skinny midget. But I am. I'm the target here, not the one that can hurt anyone. This reminds me. I saw a meme the other day that said, "Nazis/racists deserve a platform," and it was a picture of a guillotine. I loved it. Because it's true. The only platform neo-nazis and racists deserve is the platform of the guillotine. So, it gave me a good laugh. Thinking about it just now improved my mood. I'm feeling better, both because I find that funny and also because I figured out what's causing me to feel bad. And I can now reassure myself, "You don't have to go back home." Not until Mother gets back. I need to stay here to give Mère company. And I'm probably going to end up living here, too. I won't be stuck depending on people that hurt me anymore. And Mother said there's a tattoo school around here that she wants me to go to. It's funny how after 17 years of suffering and hopelessness, my life is finally starting to change for the better. I'll think of it as Père watching over me. Thanks, Gra-Père. I love you.

2:15 p.m.: So far, all day today, I can't handle seeing a glimpse of myself. I mean, I usually can't, but today it's really bad. Every time I catch a reflection of my face, all I see is the woman that molested me. I hate it so much. I hate my face so much. I hate that I look like her. And, like, obviously I look like her... She's related to me. I just want to skin my face. I'll never be able to escape all these memories because I remember them every time I see myself. It's like Hell.

Other than that, today has been good. I tried the Ultra Rosá this morning. I'm still drinking it. My thoughts? It's LOVELY. It's better than Ultra Violet, which is the one I usually drink. But my favourite is still the Green Tea Dragon Tea. A lot of people say that one tastes like beer. Honestly? Kind of, but not much. But I could see how people who don't drink green tea can think it tastes a lot like beer. Speaking of alcohol, I haven't drank in a few days now. Since I got the withdrawals taken care of, I only had two times where I was craving alcohol. I'm glad it wasn't any later because if it was, I have no doubt I'd have completely relapsed back into alcoholism. I really don't need that right now, I'm already dealing with a lot.

I've been drawing. I mean, I always am. I draw daily. I have since I was 6, give or take some days a week when my depression was really bad. I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I want to be a tattoo artist. But my shaky hands make that unrealistic. Can you fix shaky hands? I don't think so, but I really hope there's a way. Because I know I won't live if I have to remain trapped with my family and depend/leech from them because I'm disabled. I think I'll ask my doctor next time I talk with her if there's something I can do to stop it. But I really don't know if there is a way... It's not because of stimulants or anxiety, it's because my motor skills are bad from being autistic. But anyway, back to drawing. I finally created characters I like. I don't think I'll dispose of them within the same week like I usually do with how much I like them. I don't like talking much about the characters. All I will say is that I only create horror stuff and one is a stalker. Okay, I'll talk some about the stalker, I suppose. He stalks his best friend and takes advantage of his best friend's social anxiety to isolate him from everyone so he can't get help or escape. Forces his best friend to depend on him. Yes, I vent my naturally stalkerish nature like this. It's better than going out and finding a new person to obsess over, it's better to just self-project onto some fictional character. I haven't obsessed over anyone since my ex. Well, there was one man I wanted to obsess over since, but I didn't let myself and cut off contact when he asked me to add him on Instagram because I'm tired of being a bad person and I don't want a repeat of A. And also he's too old for me. Well, it's not so much he's too old for me as it is I'm too young for him. I'm attracted to men that are older than me, always have been (20-40). I still listen to his music, though, because it's really good. I've never shared his music on here before, and now I probably won't because I don't want anyone to find out who he is. I mean, I ignore him now besides his music, but it's still embarassing. I'm doing much better when it comes to my obsessive nature. I never tried to hurt anyone or scare anyone, I just obsessed over them. I tried to learn everything about them and I think about them every second and my mood entirely depends on the person I was obsessing over. If they did something that upset me, I'd lose my mind but I wouldn't tell them. I'd just freak out away from them. But often I'd impulsively try to kill myself and they'd find out. I'd try to talk and be around them 24/7, literally 24/7, I'd stay up days on end talking to them or just repeatedly checking their social media if they were asleep. I got super jealous when they interacted with anyone but me, even if it was their family. But as I said, I'm doing much better now in that regard. I'm... kind of proud of myself, I guess. It was definitely a mixture of autism and schizophrenia that caused it. Autism as in hyperfixation/special interest on the person and lack of understanding on social cues, schizophrenia as in delusions. Real bad combo just asking for trouble. But, yeah, I still need to vent somehow, so that's what that character is for. Because I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that's looking for a new person to obsess over. But I now have the self-control to not do that anymore. But it's not a complete projection because obviously I'd never hurt someone like the character does, it's a horror thing. And also I can't manipulate people like he does. I have 1 brain cell and that brain cell doesn't understand social cues because it's too busy making me think about how incredible men are constantly. Anyway, there's much more to the character than that but I don't feel like talking about it right now. Instead, I want to talk about...

My nails! I don't believe I've wrote about them here in a while. I'm still growing them out because there's no reason why not since I'm not playing piano here. One of my nails is super long, and the others are long as well but shorter because they keep chipping. I have no idea why this nail hasn't broke yet when it's the nail in the worst condition. I always paint my nails black, but today I painted them a different color because I was curious. The polish is a grey holo. I regret it because it doesn't work. It says it's a holo, but it's not. Holo means it's supposed to shine rainbow in the sunlight, but this polish LIED. So now my nails are just the bothersome light grey and I want my nails to be black again. But I just painted them, so I'm too lazy to take it off and repaint them. I'll wait until it starts chipping and then I'll paint them black again. I wish more men painted their nails. I want a husband that'll let me paint his nails and he can paint mine.

Oh, I want to talk about Cream, too! Um, I think that spiderweb is actually spidermites. I haven't seen any spider on it. The edges of the bottom leaves are brown, but it was like that when I got it, so I just assumed the store was taking bad are of him. But now I'm worried it's spidermites. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll have to kill them, even though I don't want to. I'm sorry in advance, little guys... You picked the wrong succulent. But Cream seems to be doing good dspite that. He's grown a lot. There's new stems sprouting. Proud of him!!!

9:01 a.m.: Holy crap... I just realized 'W' is pronounced "Double-u" because it looks like double 'U's... Why has it taken me so long to realize this!? I feel like the world is entirely different now. Anyhow, I caught a moth that was in my room. I released it a few minutes ago. It's now outside where it belongs. Cute little guy. I love insects so much. Gosh, millipedes are the greatest (yes, I know they're not insects, but they're arthropods) and I'll never be truly happy until I can have one as a pet. They're my favourite animal. I try to stay away from people who make hating insects a personality trait, they're mean and gross and hypocritical. Insects are wonderful animals that are so important to the planet and every single life on this earth. I should make a paleontology shrine and talk about the arthropleura and other giant arthropods. Or just an insect shrine. I'd like to make a shrine on pollinator insects. There are so many more insects than just the European honey bee that pollinate, and sadly most of them are feared, hated, and unncessarily killed and it destroys the planet as well as the European honey bees they claim to love. Take the "Murder Hornets" that people were freaking out about in the U.S. They're unlikely to kill a human. Like, yes, they CAN kill humans, but so can honey bees. Honey bees kill more humans every year than "Murder Hornets" do in the countries that have them. Japanese people live with them every single day and they're not all dead. They do pose a major threat to honey bees, though, they decapitate them. And that's bad obviously, but the way people were/are reacting to it is EXTREMELY harmful. The fear-mongering of them going to kill every single human is dangerous. The idea that they're "evil insects" is dangerous, because no insect is evil. They do not understand ecology, they do not understand they're ruining the environment (but the humans that call them evil do understand and continue to destroy the environment anyway). All they understand is they have found a new environment they thrive in and it's natural for them to do that. Honey bees also aren't vital pollinators, the vital pollinators are native bees, wasps, and flies. That's obviously not to say if they decimate the honey bee population everything will be OK, because it won't. But there's so many lies about them and nobody bothers to actually learn about science because they have a fetish for sensationalism, being a hypocrite, and fearmongering. And the people that care about the honey bees, guess what? Dumping a bunch of pesticides because you're overreacting isn't going to fucking save the honey bees. You're killing all of them as well!!! You're a BILLION times worse than those "Murder Hornets"! Let the fucking scientists control it!

I didn't mean to rant but I just hate people like that. I hate people that destroy the environment then act like they care and I hate people that villanize insects and act as if they're not as valuable as any other animal. It's disgusting. But I want to turn this back into a positive entry to make up for the rant, so I will. Please learn about the wonderful insects of this world, learn actual science instead of rumours and fearmongering bullshit. They're so interesting and incredible and you wouldn't believe just how much they are so. If you're looking for inspiration for anything, learning about insects is a great way to get inspiration, seriously. Insects make up 90% of animals on this planet. Isn't that incredible? You'll never ever run out of something to learn about or inspiration when you have all those insects! If you're scared of insects, that's fine, but please don't hate them. Either get over your fear or just accept that even if you're afraid, they're not villains and don't unnecessarily hurt them. Insects are not inanimate objects. They feel pain, just like any other animal, and therefore they deserve to not get tortured. If you have to kill an insect, do it quickly. You're a human. Unlike insects who do bad things sometimes and can't understand, you understand what you're doing is bad but do it anyway. If anything, you're the one who's probably a villain. But you can change that and start respecting insects at any time. Learn to love them and be thankful for their existence. There's nothing wrong with being afraid, it's just when you start fearmongering or villianizing insects that you become a bad person. Remember that it's not just for insect's sake that learning to love them is good. Learning to love insects helps the environment. It helps you. It helps your loved ones. It helps people going through a hard time. It helps people in poverty. It helps science. Even insects that aren't pollinators, they're all important, because through a long chain, they help every single life on this planet. Love insects and save the Earth!

7:56 a.m.: Ow. I hallucinated and I freaked out, and I accidentally punched myself in the face when I freaked out. It hurts quite a bit. I think I'm going to have a bruise now on my cheek. I'm so stupid. I don't care personally if I get a bruise, but I don't know how to explain it to others. What do I say? "Oh, I accidentally punched myself in the face." That's a good way for me to get thrown back into the psych ward.

I didn't have that vegan American parfait. I remember I got my favourite biscuits to enjoy with tea. I haven't had them in a while, so I chose that instead. They're from the Netherlands, very yummy. They're called speculaas. They go great with tea! I like to have one or two in the mornings with my tea and a few cherries. Tastes like heaven!

I'm going to go play some Minecraft Hardcore now. I got more diamonds!

7:34 a.m.: Added detailed descriptions of links and alt texts on images on most pages except the Speleology shrine, graphics page, and asceticism page. I'll do those ones later. Changed the font to Georgia. I'm going to go make my morning tea now and have a vegan American parfait.

6:09 a.m.: Plans for this site:

4:58 a.m.: Bunny woke me up again. I don't think I can fall back asleep. I hear the birds chirping. They chirp all day and all night. It's nice. I think birds are really cool. As someone into paleontology/dinosaurs, I think it's incredible we still have dinosaurs today. Birds are dinosaurs. They're the only surviving dinosaurs. They are not descendants of dinosaurs, they are ACTUAL dinosaurs. That cute little bird you see every morning? That's 100% a dinosaur. Is that not absolutely incredible? I think it is. I suppose there is a lot of good in this world even if I focus on the bad constantly. I love nature.

5th of July, 2020

7:32 p.m.: I found an extension to disable all autoplay. I'm so happy right now, I could cry. God. I'm glad I never have to suffer through that crap again.

My piercing appointment was moved to the upcoming Thursday.

7:07 p.m.: Thank the Lord! I finally found out how to disable autoplay on Netflix. God, I hate it so much. The fact that autoplay is the default setting is honestly... disgusting. There's no excuse for it. People can click the play button if they want to see the preview. I hate autoplay in general. Autoplay is inherently rude. As someone with autism and schizophrenia, autoplay bothers both of those things. It triggers delusions and hallucinations. It triggers sensory overload. It triggers anxiety attacks. It's just BAD and I hate how common it is on every single goddamn site on the internet. Use a play button, for frick's sake! It's not hard in the slightest! Like, it's not just a good idea to disable autoplay for people with disabilities and mental illnesses because it's harmful, but even those without any mental health or hearing issues find it incredibly annoying. Everyone thinks it's annoying. So why is this giant company that should know better have autoplay as the default setting? You shouldn't have to search so hard to turn it off. At least put the option to disable autoplay on the previews if you're going to have autoplay be the default. Good Lord.

The video still hasn't uploaded. It's only 14 seconds long?? And I'm on 5G??? So it has to be Tumblr's fault. Or maybe I didn't actually post it, maybe I accidentally clicked delete instead of post. I'll try uploading it again, this time on my computer instead of the app. Okay, I just uploaded it using my laptop. It's still not appearing. Wait, it finally uploaded!!!!!!!! AH!! I'm so stupidly happy after all this waiting! Here is the video of this little guy.

5:49 p.m.: Someone tried to tell me I have Cotard's delusion. No, I fucking don't. I'm actually dead. I'm a ghost. I'm not being crazy here, if I was being crazy, there'd be a bunch of word salad every time I believed I was a ghost. Which is literally ALWAYS, so. No, it's not from my schizophrenia. It's called spirituality. I hate how I'm not allowed to have any spiritual beliefs because if I do it's just schizophrenia. Nobody understands how much that fucking hurts. Everything about me is automatically invalidated by every person in this world because of some stupid chemical imbalance that's so stigmatized and no one actually knows any true facts about. To every single person in this world aside from other schizophrenics, I am a dangerous crazy person who'll become a serial killer if not kept under strict supervision and heavily medicated.

Whatever. I don't want to be angry or sad. I'll talk about that spider now. I believe it's Araniella cucurbitina. I took a video of him. I'm waiting for the video to post to Tumblr. Tumblr is so unbelievably slow at uploading videos. When it uploads, I'll share the link. You can't see it well in the video, but his abdomen is a beautiful bright green. He's hanging out on some hostas. He already has a few bugs in his web. I caught him spinning more of his web in the video. I love spiders so much. They're incredible creatures. I'll never understand how people are scared of them. I wish I could hug spiders. I could stare for hours at a spider, just watch them spin their webs or catch their prey or just... do nothing at all. I love arthropods in general. They're so neat. And one thing I'm so grateful for in this world, is that there's an endless amount of arthropods for me to learn about! I will never ever learn anywhere close to every single type of arthropod that exists in my entire life. There's just too many! And that's great! I'll never run out of cool arthropods to learn about!

5:24 p.m.: I changed the site to my favourite colours again, black and purple. If you don't see the change, delete cached images.

I got back from the grocery store not too long ago. It was terrible. I forgot Mimikyu on my bed, so it was a bad experience. I was so anxious and trying not to freak out. I was experiencing sensory overload the whole time. Every single light hurt, every single sound hurt, every single touch hurt. It was just all-around bad. But I'm home now and feeling better. There's a new Monster in our area, a new Monster Ultra. I got it. It's called Ultra Rosá. I'm not sure if it's new everywhere, but it is in this area. It's never been sold here before. I'm excited to try it. It's time for dinner now, though, so I have to go. I'll write more later. I have a spider I'd like to share here.

11:08 a.m.: Woke up to Bunny on my bed again, this time licking my hand. I suppose this is how I'm going to wake up from now on, with this adorably evil marshmallow jumping onto my bed right beside my head. I played some more Minecraft last night. I went caving/mining, got a bunch of iron and ten diamonds. I'm going to make my own mine now, though, because caves are very dangerous in Hardcore. There was one cow near spawn. I had to search for about twenty minutes to find another cow to bring back to my home. I spent the first thirty minutes of this morning reblogging stuff and petting Bunny. She really wanted attention this morning. Every time I stopped petting her for even a second to put my hand down to type or something, she'd come slide her snout(?) underneath my hand and then throw it up to have my hand on her head so I will pet her. Absolutely adorable. She does that all the time. I just gave her the morning salad she gets daily. She gets a great big healthy salad every morning and some pellets at night. She always has hay available. She's a very healthy bunny. I'm drinking my morning tea now. I'm going to go play some Minecraft. Later, I will return to watching horror movies. I never got around to watching that 'Crawl' thing I mentioned yesterday. So, I'll do that later.

4th of July, 2020

7:42 p.m.: "There's nothing better than jacking off into the bag of Cheezies." That's still probably my favourite lyric ever. I have the humour of a five-year-old that just discovered what the word "booby" means. Being honest, I still laugh whenever people say the letter "D" or "P". And my favourite memes are still lolcats and doge memes and animal puns...

So, I made another Hardcore world. Going great so far! Almost died when I stupidly challenged an Enderman to a fight with no armour, not even leather armour. But I ran inside my house and he despawned :-) I'll be real here, though, I disabled pillager patrols because I can't stand them. But it's still on Hardcore mode, so everything else is normal Hardcore. I made my starter house the same one I built last time but using different woods. I really like the style of house it is, I don't know what it's called. I'm not a good builder, so I had to watch a tutorial the first time I made it. But now I remember how to, so I don't need one anymore! Yay!

There's only oak and birch trees where I spawned, but once I go out exploring more, I'm going to replace all the birch with spruce (the fences and some trapdoors). It looks better that way. I used yellow terracotta, too. I'm trying to gather a bunch of flowers to place around the house, I'm almost done that! I made a little chicken coop and a wheat farm. I have some sugarcane growing as well. So far so good in this Hardcore world! Oh wait, looking at that screenshot, I just realized I forgot one part of the house!! I need to add slabs and fences to the front, that small detail helps a lot, I think. I might post a picture when I do that later. Or maybe to my blog. I made a blog specifically for Minecraft since hosting images here takes up a lot of space, so it's better to use a Tumblr sideblog. There's nothing on it yet, though. I'm going to customize my theme a bit more and then I'll share the link so anyone curious can check out what I'm doing in my Minecraft worlds!

3:52 p.m.: OH MY LORD! I see a spider has spun it's web onto Cream! That's good! The spider will eat all the insects that are harmful to the plant. And also, I love spiders, so it works out! And the web is very tiny and barely noticeable, so it doesn't distrupt the plant's "aesthetic" or whatever you'd call it. But I'll have to remember to be careful when watering it!

3:18 p.m.: I've been taking more time to browse around Neocities, and I don't usually talk about people on here, but why is there a sudden influx of children glorifying racists and murderers and rapists and homophobes? They're all so similar to each other too, like they're all copying each other. It's probably the same person pretending to be multiple people, and it's so weird. You're way too young to be using social media. Especially when you try that hard to be edgy. It's not hard at all to track a person's IP, even I who is a grandpa at technology knows how, and it's even easier to call the police on you or ruin your life. You're children. You're still in school. Someone will call your school and your life will be fucked up forever. You will never get into college or university. You will never get a job. You will probably be thrown into jail and once you're out, everyone will hate you and you will have nothing to live for. So just... go back to the playground because you're fucking your life up and in a few years you'll regret everything you posted online. Neocities isn't private, it's a social media that's becoming popular. And trust me, someone will call your school or parents or something and fuck your life up. This is the internet. People are heartless and doxx kids every day. Especially with that cancel culture shit. I don't support it, but it will happen if you don't stop because that's how the internet works.

Honestly, I don't mean to sound like "back in my day" or whatever, but it's really upsetting to me that children these days grow up on social media. I'm so thankful I didn't have any growing up. It's so bad for even adult's mental health, so for children? It takes your childhood away from you. And also all the stupid shit you say, it's up on the internet forever, you can easily fuck up your life/future. But of course they're children, so they won't understand that. They're too dumb and can't see the bigger picture until it's far too late. My advice if one of these... hundreds, it seems, you can't check the "last updated" page without seeing at least 10 of these identical sites on the first two pages, are reading this is to just stop. Seriously. I mean, children shouldn't be reading this, but I know those children wouldn't care about my warning page, so just in case. If you're actually mentally ill and not faking it, get help. And stop blaming others for your problems because you yourself are the problem and your life will never start to improve unless you accept that. Like, I was a piece of shit once, too. EXTREMELY. To the point my brother killed himself because of me. But you know what? I changed. So if someone who was as shitty as me could, you can too. There's no excuse.

And that was the only time I'll ever talk about people on this site. I don't really like to. I hate drama and shit, but I just feel like these children (probably just one) needs someone to say this to them. Like, REALLY need someone to tell them that since they clearly don't have anyone in their life that holds them accountable or gives them advice. I have to assume these children's (probably child's) parents aren't that great of parents since they aren't monitoring their 12-year-old's internet usage and they're so mentally damaged they jack off to rapists and murderers. I wonder if Neocities would do something about this? Like, it's very clear that these are run by children probably too young to be on Neocities. I assume like most social media, Neocities has an age limit, but I'm not sure. Either way, they need to change for the better and get some good people in their life who'll help them with that instead of continuing to surround themselves in an echochamber of bigotry and dehumanization.

2:59 p.m.: OH, here's Cream!

Also, that flower Mother found the other day. When I found out what it was, I learnt it grew on trees, so I asked Mother if she could find the tree. Well, she did this morning! There's a whole bunch apparently and they're wild. Absolutely gorgeous! Just look at this one! This one is five minutes from where she stays.

2:25 p.m.: Just finished that documentary, it was a long one. It was pretty good. It made me happy that Pam basically took over the documentary lol, she's cool as heck. Strong, too, with all the shit she's been through and still is going through, but was able to pull herself out of her addiction and other shit. I recommend the documentary for anyone interested in true crime or anyone that just cares about BLM. It's not specifically related to BLM, but it is related in the fact it's about the hell these women went through and how they let the killer off the hook just because those women had a darker skin tone. But a warning for retellings of rape, abuse, and obviously murder. It pissed me off when they played that speech the police had when they caught him. They acted like they did so much work when they did NOTHING! They said "25 years of hard work". Bullshit. But the founder of the Black Coalition Fighting Back Serial Murders, Margaret Prescod, went up and took the mic from that lying officer and it was SO SATISFYING. I wish she just roasted their asses, but she was professional/kind about it. I don't know if this is true because it's just what someone said (but I do believe it to be true knowing what police are like), but Lonnie's son said that a lot of police officers in the area view Lonnie as a hero "for cleaning up the streets". Ugh. But I want to end this paragraph on a positive note, so once again, shoutout to Pam. She's so cool.

Now I'm back to watching the stuff on the horror page. I just accidentally found that documentary trying to search for something else they didn't have. The next one up is 'Crawl' (2019). The summary, it seems like trash. Apparently the house gets flooded during a hurricane and she has to survive... alligators. LMAO. That can't be a serious movie, right? It has to be satire. There's no way somebody can think that trash plot is scary. I hope it's funny trash, though. But if it's serious, there's a good chance it'll piss me off because I hate movies that villianize animals. Like, all those shark movies, they've killed a lot of innocent sharks because of them and done irreparable damage to sharks. Also, I noticed they have The Lighthouse on there!! So, that made me super happy. I've been wanting to watch that for a while now! But I'm still going in order, though, so it'll be a while until I get to it.

12:06 p.m.: Finished that movie. My opinion is still the same. Redone my primary blog. Now I'm watching a documentary call Tales of the Grim Sleeper. I've never heard of this man, Lonnie Franklin before. Apparently, he's a serial killer. I just started it. I prefer to watch movies with captions often because my brain is sometimes bad at understanding verbal speech. Not always, but sometimes, so I keep them on whenever the option is there. I haven't gotten to that part yet obviously since I just started it, but when I was reading reviews (I don't usually read reviews/I usually go in blind), a lot of people were mentioning this acronym "NHI". It stands for "No Human Involved". Apparently, it's what a lot of police officers informally use to refer to murders of prostitutes, the homeless, or those suffering from drug addiction. Absolutely disgusting. I hate the police. This documentary from what I've gathered, the story it's telling about this serial killer, is that the police did nothing and it was an accidental arrest/discovery. The police apparently did nothing because all his victims were black women that were forced by their life situation/environment to resort to prostituion. And that's apparently why this case isn't more well-known, too. Damn. Well, I'm glad I accidentally stumbled upon this documentary. I hope to learn some things from it and not just be angry at the world and police officers.

7:42 a.m.: I ended up falling asleep before I even got halfway through the first movie. My antipsychotics knock me out fast. I resumed watching it as soon as I woke a little while ago. I'm watching "I See You". There's 18 minutes left, it's on pause right now to write this. So far, I'm kind of... meh on it. I really didn't like the beginning. I thought it was just another stereotypical paranormal movie. I'm glad it wasn't, but it's still not that good yet. I doubt it will get good in the last 18 minutes. There's a lot of really stupid moments. In summary, it's not that good from what I've seen so far. But I wouldn't say bad. It's definitely not bad compared to a lot of popular horror movies these days, but that's not saying much. It's just average.

I had a really bad nightmare again. This time, it was about my entire family. I don't really remember much anymore aside from that. I woke up from the nightmare. I woke up multiple times in the night, that happens every night. But I woke up "for good" this time by Bunny once again jumping onto my bed beside my head... Cutie!

3rd of July, 2020

11:20 p.m.: Okay, I lied. Another entry. Probably more as I share my thoughts on movies, lol. I couldn't find Donnie Darko, so what I'm going to do is watch EVERY SINGLE horror movie on the horror movie page on Amazon Prime. Well, as much as I can tonight, and I'm skipping over whatever I've already watched. This is going to be fun. Going to be lots of trashy movies and I can't want to laugh my ass off. This reminds me, I still haven't shared my Letterboxd yet. I'll do that later tonight.

10:47 p.m.: Oh, maybe that's not the case... Maybe my schizophrenia is acting up again and I haven't noticed it. Was that spider I saw today even real? I tend to see phantom spiders a lot, those were some of my first hallucinations, they're still probably my most common one. But what makes me reconsider what I wrote last entry is that, I have been blacking out a lot more lately. I blacked out real hard yesterday. I was sitting upstairs on the rocking chair playing Pokémon, and all of a sudden, it's like I became concious. I couldn't remember anything I was doing before, for the entire day. I didn't even remember I was playing Pokémon as I was playing it. I'm pretty sure the blackouts are from my schizophrenia since schizophrenia screws up your time perception greatly. I've never actually told my psychiatrist about these blackouts. I'm hesitant to because I fear with my past history of abusing and overdosing on benzos (all my doctors know about it due to hospitalizations), she will assume I'm still addicted to benzos when I'm not. I haven't even touched a single benzo since my last hospitalization/overdose. My psychiatrist tends to not listen to what I say... like, at all. She constantly recommends quackery/pseudoscience to me instead of actually helping me. But I've talked about it here in more detail before, so I won't get into it again. I want a new psychiatrist. I haven't even talked to her in months now. I understand the pandemic, but she's still supposed to talk to me on the phone every now and then to ask about my medications or email Mother... she hasn't done none of that, to my knowledge. AH, I see Bunny in the corner of my eye about to jump on to the bed with me! What an absolute skunk! I love her. Oh, I didn't do my injection yet. I'm doing that in about twenty minutes, warming the stuff up now. And nevermind, apparently Bunny decided to run around and binky on the boxspring instead of jumping onto my bed. Oh, and now she jumped off to go eat her salad. Gosh, she's so cute. I love bunnies. This is probably the last entry for tonight. I've been posting a lot of entries lately, definitely the withdrawals making me want to complain more than I know I should. I should get back to self-improvement and my daily positivity exercise soon.

10:18 p.m.: I took my medications. I noticed they upped the dosage of my antipsychotics as well. That's good. I haven't been hallucinating that much lately. I did go fairly psychotic during the withdrawals, but I'm pretty sure that's just because of the withdrawals, not pure schizophrenia. Also, can I just say how annoying it is when people use "psychotic" as another word for psychopath or psychopathic behaviours? They're completely different things. Psychotic is related to psychosis, mental illnesses that cause you to confuse reality like schizophrenia or schizotypal or sometimes bipolar disorder (or psychosis can be drug-induced). But whatever.

9:41 p.m.: I forgot to write this down! I also got a plant to put in my bedroom here. I always have a plant in my bedroom at home, usually multiple, but all I have at home right now is a single stalk of "Lucky Bamboo" (it's not real bamboo, it's a different type of plant that looks like it). But since I haven't been home in probably... has it been over a month now? It's probably dead. Anyway, I wanted something here. So, I got a succulent! I love succulents so much. I'm not sure what kind this is, though? I think it may be a Burro's Tail, but it's hard for me to tell since it's very small right now/not long and drooping yet. Whatever it is, I love it! He needs a name... I'll just name him Cream. Why? No idea. It's just the first thing that popped up in my brain. Oh, there was a spider on my stomach (on my shirt) earlier! It was a big boy!!!! I don't know where he went off too, though. I hope I didn't accidentally crush him in my bed... He's a brave little thing to travel across me! Too brave for his own good.

I'm just watching a stream right now. I'm waiting for Mother to remind me of the login details so I can watch some horror movies. I want to watch Donnie Darko tonight! I still haven't gotten around to it! But I'm going to go take my medications now. Then I'll probably play some Pokémon for a bit and then watch some horror movies.

I've been really wanting to talk to someone, but I don't really have anyone to talk to. I specifically want to talk about music, I want to share music with someone. I want to do that using a Discord bot so we can listen to the music at the same time and get a live reaction to each other's favourite music. I don't know how to reach out to people, though. I always just wait for someone to come to me to talk. I always worry I'm being annoying or the person hates me.

6:56 p.m.: Oh, Bandcamp is once again waiving their revenue share, so go support your favourite musical artists if you can. I'll probably buy some albums later today.

6:01 p.m.: Hi! Hello. I'm back. I left a lot later than expected, at 3 p.m. because C had an appointment on the way here that took forever. I spent $60 of my $100 graduation gift fueling my addiction. Real proud of myself for that one. I should've pretended I had no money. I went to the Bulk Barn (I was surprised it was open, you have to wear gloves thankfully) and got some strawberry Pocky and dried banana slices.

I verbally shat on C not too long ago. On the way home, we stopped at a fast-food place, and the lady at the drive-through had an Indian accent. C went off with his racism... He said, "Honestly, I'm racist." Instantly, I angrily said, "Yeah, I fucking know." Then he tried to excuse his racism by saying it was the family he was brought up in. So, I said, "No, you just don't understand science." He said he actually 'does understand science', and then I proceeded to give him a science lesson. Race isn't scientific. It's a social construct. It has no basis in biological reality. It's complete pseudoscience. Anyway, I must've embarrassed him pretty fucking badly because his racist ass refused to respond.

I don't understand it at all. Cool, that lady was smart enough and brave enough to learn another language, move to another country to help out when she experiences racism daily and is at a higher risk of being assaulted, and on top of that, has to work at a fast-food place during this pandemic. Dude, she is A BILLION times smarter and braver than your monolingual, pseudoscience-believing, unemployed ass. You're actually a fucking toddler compared to her.

I didn't mean to go off on him like that. It was uncontrollable and instant. I just can't keep quiet when I see racism or something else like that. I've always had to stand up to it. Which is good. I don't care if people call me a "SJW" for calling out racism when it's "in private", because guess what? Allowing people to be racist "in private" normalizes/encourages their racism and then they will go out and be racist to people and give them fucking TRAUMA and fuck up their mental health and possibly physically hurt them. Every single person on this Earth should fucking stand up to that shit, there's no excuse not to. "But muh anxiety," MOTHERFUCKER, I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH THREE SEVERE ANXIETY DISORDERS SINCE I WAS 5 YEARS OLD AND YET I STAND UP TO IT. I'M ALSO AUTISTIC/DISABLED. IF I CAN DO IT, YOUR SELF-DIAGNOSED SHY ASS CAN. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. YOU'RE JUST RACIST YOURSELF. Because guess what? If your pride is too big to take the possible damage from calling out racism, if you value what people say to you more than other people's fucking lives and equality, you're selfish and you're tolerant of racism. And that's real. I don't sugarcoat shit. If someone is reading this and is like that, there you go. I'll be the one to finally be honest with you in your pathetic life. If you don't like being called a racist, fucking change.

I texted Mother about it because I was worried my sister would tell her and get me in trouble. But thankfully, and expectedly (but I was paranoid anyway), she said I wasn't in trouble. Mother said she was proud of me, and she said, "Fuck him." Well, apparently my father said that and she agreed with him. But that's one good thing about my father, I suppose, he's not a racist. I have no idea why my sister is dating this fucker. I don't care if she tries to deny she's racist for being with him, she is. You let him call people slurs and go on racist rants constantly and even join in. The only difference is you always add "it's a joke" at the end and act like I'm being overdramatic for understanding you're not fucking joking CLEARLY when you're dating an ACTUAL SELF-ADMITTED RACIST. How is she like that??? I'm pretty fucking sure Père was part Indigenous, you asshole. But then again, what am I to expect from this bitch who takes pride in and constantly "brags" about having the initials "BAD", being born on 9/11, and being "Hitler's preferred type" (blue eyes, blond hair). Dumb cunt. Your racism is so thinly-veiled. You can't keep hiding behind "it's a joke" forever. One day, your ass will get beat and you'll fucking deserve it.

I don't usually curse this much, but I'm heated. Obviously. And I should be. Everyone should be heated when it comes to racists. But I need to talk about something positive now, I don't want this entry to be entirely negative.

Bunny loves those treats I got her today. I got her them once before. They're not healthy treats, they're those processed ones you buy at pet stores. I know you should give fruits to bunnies as treats instead of those, but the thing is Bunny doesn't like most fruit. She only likes bananas, and she can't have those often. So, I give her the processed treats to make up for it. They're "cookies" shaped like animals. I think it's funny that some of them are shaped like bunnies and Bunny eats them! Ah!!! She's going to get a taste for cannibalism!! I'm not being serious. She really does love these, though. She comes running up and puts her paws on my lap whenever she hears the bag they're in being rustled through or picked up. Bunnies make me so happy. Mother sent me pictures of these beautiful cows in the field over there! They are SO pretty and adorable! I wish I could pet them.

10:18 a.m.: I woke up many times tonight, but Bunny woke us up "for good" by jumping onto the bed right beside my face. What a little skunk! I love her so much, she's so silly. I had a really bad nightmare, but I'm feeling good now. I think today will be a good day! I'm getting picked up at around 11:30 a.m. to do some stuff in town. I just drank my morning tea. I forgot about it, so I accidentally steeped it for too long. It was really bitter because of that, so I had to put some almond milk and honey in it. I'm currently sitting with Bunny and listening to Frvrfriday. Bunny is chewing on a twig/stick. She's stripping the bark off. The bark is about 1/3 gone. Every now and then, she stops to climb on to my lap or jump on my laptop or nibble on my shirt. She loves me lots! I love her lots, too! I love bunnies! I love animals!! I wonder if I should wear my collar today? I don't wear it out in public often, at least not with Mother since she said she doesn't want me wearing it in public... It's probably because it's a very noticeable one. It has a bunch of spikes and stuff, she probably thinks people will assume it's a BDSM thing instead of just fashion. But I feel like the spikes/fanciness of it would make people understand it's a fashion collar? Whatever. I haven't worn it around Mère, I don't think she'd take well to it LOL. Yes, I'll wear it, I decided since I haven't worn it in too long for my liking. I'll just put it on in the car so Mère doesn't think I'm being inappropriate. This is the specific one if you're curious. It's vegan leather, I've always refused to own real leather products.

I'm going to play some Minecraft until I have to go. Oh, and I wanted to share this gif I saw on my dash earlier. No important reason, I just wanted to share it and say everything about this man is INCREDIBLY gorgeous. That's all. Here it is.

2nd of July, 2020

3:34 p.m.: Nevermind, I found it! It's called the royal poinciana in English. Shoutout to Pl@ntNet! Instantly identified it using that site. I wish I knew of this site sooner! I'm going to be using it a lot now, it's a cool and useful site/app.

2:25 p.m.: I talked to Mother. I told her about my anxiety over Bunny. I told her about the nightmares I've been having about Bunny getting hurt, and also that I randomly worry something has happened to Bunny and I need to check on her every few minutes. She said it's time to up the dosage. I'm supposed to be taking four of these pills, but I'm only on three because I had to get myself back to that level since I stopped taking them for a while. I'm actually supposed to be taking two of the larger pills, but those are too large for me to swallow, so I take the same amount in the smaller ones. Mère gave me my graduation gift, she gave me $100. So, that was nice! I told Mother and she told me not to spend it all on Monster Energy drinks... Well, there goes my plan! But I'm probably just going to buy a new pair of boots. Or some ALIEN BODY stuff. Or some Mimikyu merch to add to my collection of Mimikyu stuff. Or drugs. I don't know yet.

Mère said, "Gra-Père isn't here, but he's proud of you too." Yes, he is! I'm glad she can talk about him now without crying. I'm proud of her, too!

She called me a "punk" today LOL. I'm not a punk! I'm a trad goth! Yes, there's a difference! I'm not seriously upset, though. I say these things in jest. I always think it's funny when people confuse what music subculture I belong to. I suppose it's easy to mix up when you're not knowledgable about the music scene. Especially goth and punk since the goth genres (gothic rock, deathrock, etc) came from post-punk. It can get real confusing.

I'd say I'm also a Hip-Hop Head. I'm really into it, know a lot about it. Hip-Hop Head Trad Goth, that's what I am when it comes to music subcultures. I obviously listen to many other genres, but they don't really have a subculture name. Like, what would I call liking arai tasuku or HEALTH or Igorrr or daniels gone? I suppose you can get away with calling yourself a "metalhead" with Igorrr, but that's still a stretch since he's very... out-there. I just like weird things. I like music full of passion and creativity. I like music that's so creative and outlandish because the artist behind it has so much passion for music they don't care if others think it's bad. Just pure love for music. That's my kind of music.

Nothing much has happened today. It's been nice, though. I've played Pokémon for most of the day so far. I really like Pokémon, but that's not a secret. Obviously... Mimikyu is everywhere... I started a new Creative world on Minecraft. I died in that hardcore world. It was mean timing, too! I just finished my starter house that I was really proud of, but then pillagers came and killed me. So mean!!! I hate pillagers!!! Also, it's annoying Phantoms spawn on Creative mode. They don't swoop down at you, but I noticed when I looked up that there were four phantoms flying above my head. And although they don't do anything, it's annoying to know they're there. Knowing they exist pisses me off. I hate Phantoms. Honestly, I wish they didn't add Phantoms. I truly don't think they're a good addition. I don't know why they thought it was. Like, their design is cool. I like the idea of that flying mob, but WHY does it have to spawn when you don't sleep??? That's so annoying!!!

Luckily for me, I always sleep (except in Creative). The first thing I do in every Survival world is get enough wood to craft a stone sword (so, crafting table, wooden pick, you know) then find sheep to kill. YES, Lucius kills animals in games. Anyway, that way I can sleep right before it gets dark on the first night, so no hostile mobs spawn and I can peacefully explore, build, and farm the next day. You get food by killing the sheep, but I usually cook it the next day because you don't need food the first night. You won't die of hunger on the first night. I've never understood people that make dirt houses (in newer Minecraft versions) on the first night since my technique is WAY better. You can get started on a nice starter house right away as long as you have a bed to sleep when it gets dark to avoid any hostile mobs from spawning. If someone is reading this that plays Minecraft, try out my technique here. You'll thank me.

I just ran outside because I noticed an itsy-bitsy moth on the screen window. He's a very cute moth, very tiny, too. I didn't touch him because I didn't want to disturb him. I let him rest. The lilies are out. They're yellow. They're beautiful. Mother showed me on videochat a gorgeous flower she found. She said she found it laying on the road. It's a very pretty flower and I'm currently browsing the internet trying to identify it. No luck so far. I think it may be some type of orchid? It has two layers of petals, the top layer has bigger petals and it also has one differently-shaped petal with white spots. The bottom layer of petals is also red but has yellow around the edges in a solid line. It's very unique. If someone is reading this and it sounds familiar, please tell me what you think it is! It's somewhere in Costa Rica, the flower. I'll try to get Mother to send me a picture and I'll post it if she does. I really want to find out what this flower is. Whenever I see a flower I don't know, I MUST find it out or I'll never rest!

6:30 a.m.: I tried to go back to sleep, but I woke up a few minutes later. I've been up since. A few minutes ago, Bunny kicked me in the eye. My open eye, too. She didn't mean to do it, it was an accident, but WOW! I never knew it'd hurt so much! I can finally open my eye now, but it stills feels a bit sore. My nose is bleeding. I'm pretty sure it's unrelated. One more day to go!!! I can do this! I know I can! I'm so excited!!!! Every now and then, my eye hurts a lot. I put a cold cloth against it for a minute or two, it helped some.

3:12 a.m.: I had a terrible, terrible, terrible nightmare involving Bunny and even though I know it was just a nightmare, I'm so shaken up and want to cry. It was so upsetting. I was on a plane (which I'd never do) and for some reason Bunny was on my lap. The plane started crashing for some reason, I forget why, and it was unbearably slow. The plane had a sudden drop that injured a lot of people, including Bunny. I started sobbing about Bunny being hurt, but she was still alive. Then all of a sudden, the plane did it again. But luckily that time I was holding her so the drop didn't hurt her. Somehow they got the plane to glide for an hour or two more (dream logic makes no sense), and they said they said that no one was going to help us because they cared too much about some petty financial drama to get a rescue team. And the whole time, I was worried for Bunny, not myself. They said they had a plan, that the plane was going to slowly descend into some weird place in the ocean made of extremely thick and sinking sand and some solid islands here and there. We landed on the sand part, and so we had to quickly get out to walk over to the solid island. It was so hard and slow to walk through since it was so thick. So, I went like they told me to. But I realized half-way to the island, still in the sinking sand, that I forgot to carry Bunny. And so I looked back at the plane, which was sinking, and Bunny was sitting there at the end of the plane looking at me scared. It was too late for me to go back and pick her up. And then I woke up because it upset me so much. Just writing about it makes me want to cry. I immediatedly went to pet Bunny when I woke up. I need to go pet her again. I can't handle animals being hurt or scared, it hurts me so much. But I wanted to write this down to vent. I'll copy paste this to the dream journal later. For now, I need to go pet Bunny again to calm down.

1st of July, 2020

8:56 p.m.: I woke up. I just took my medications, so I should be back asleep in a bit. I forgot today is Canada Day. When I went upstairs to take my pills, I saw some broadcast celebrating Canada Day. It was full of... weird things. Nobody else seemed to think it was weird. But it was to me. I don't understand people that are proud of their country, and broadcasts like that, they seem like dangerous brainwashing things(?). No government actually cares about people unlike what these broadcasts are trying to convince people of. But whatever. I hope the neighbours don't set off fireworks. I don't think Bunny would like fireworks very much, she'll probably get scared. If so, I'll sleep on the boxspring so she can come up and lay beside me as I sleep. It won't be comfortable, but I don't care. Bunny is more important.

Am I drinking tonight? I want to. But I probably won't as long as I fall asleep. But if I wake up, I probably will.

6:14 p.m.: I feel like crap again. I'm so disappointed in myself for feeling bad again when I finally started to get better. I just feel so lonely and trapped. I need a distraction but I don't have any since I don't have enough energy to do anything. Except vent here, I suppose. Always enough energy for me to complain. I'm so tired. I want to sleep, but I'm worried that if I do, I'll wake up quickly and not be able to sleep tonight, and then I have to suffer through the whole night awake and suicidal with no drugs to stop me from acting on my urges. I want to talk to someone. I want to share music with someone. But I have no one to do that with. Screw it, I'm just going to try to sleep now before I get as sad as I was the other day.

5:51 p.m.: Wow! I never knew Père was such a great baker! Mère told me there was still some cake that Père made for their anniversary in the freezer in the storage room. I had a slice, and it was lovely! It was a two-layer vanilla cake with strawberry jam in-between. There's no icing on it, but there's a bit of powdered sugar on the top. So yummy! I wish I could tell Père how great it was. It's strange when I think about it. This cake is the last food he made that still remains in this world. He was alive the last time this cake was eaten (before today). It feels surreal. But, I'm OK with it. It won't go to waste, Père, I promise you that! I love you, Gra-Père!

5:18 p.m.: It's boring to wait for the Minecraft mods I used to update to 1.16. So boring. I'll just take a break from Minecraft, I suppose.

3:20 p.m.: I want to rant, but I won't. Ranting doesn't help anything. I need to let go of this anger and continue having a good day. So, I'll try to do that. How? I don't know how. I suppose I should talk about something positive? But I'm "heated," or whatever people call it. It's a bit hard to calm down. I feel like I can't calm down unless I rant about it or stab something or throw something, but I know that it'll just make me feel worse. It always makes me feel worse. I put on music to try and calm down. I'm going to change the topic now, too.

I want a husband. I want a husband to play Minecraft with... Could you imagine??? Imagine men in general. Wow, just WOW. This is helping me calm down actually. Talking about men always makes me happy, but it's probably helping a lot since I wanted to rant about homophobic LBT women. You know, women that think they get to be homophobic to gay men and use words like "faggot" without repercussion because they're bisexual or a lesbian. So, talking about men, it's like the positive view on what I wanted to rant about. I should just gush about how much I love men instead of ranting.

I LOVE men. I love everything about men. They're so gorgeous, inside and out. There's no sound as soothing as a man's voice. Men's voices are just... so nice, seriously. I nearly always have a male voice in the background. That probably sounds weird, but I need to because of autism/sensory issues. I either need music or a video or podcast on to listen to something or I get really anxious and especially vulnerable to meltdowns. I want a husband so badly. I only feel calm around men. I want to cuddle a man and fall asleep with my head on his chest. I love men, oh my GOD! Imagine waking up every day to a HUSBAND. EVERY SINGLE DAY, YOU WAKE UP TO HIM. UNTIL DAYS NO LONGER EXIST, YOU WAKE UP TO HIM. That sounds so lovely! I love men, holy crap, I'm going to CRY tears of joy! Well, the distraction definitely worked, now I'm super happy. I also may or may not be a little high right now. But what I'm saying still stands, I love men. And I rarely talk about NSFW things here, but I do love men in that way, too, duh. I love every single part of a man, but mainly his SOUL. Everything else is just a bonus. I would do anything for a husband. I really, REALLY want a husband but I have no idea how I'd get one anymore. I planned to get married to my last ex, he promised me we would get married, but he lied to me. So. I'm not that hopeful anymore on the idea that I may have a husband one day. But I really want a husband so badly. How do I find someone like my last ex... I want someone like him. Not because I need someone that reminds me of him, but because the traits he had were my type. But it's hard to find men like that. Most men aren't super possessive/obsessive and ""abusive"". Abusive is in quotations because it's stereotypically abusive behaviours, but it's not actually abuse when the person wants it/is consenting. It's just a 24/7 BDSM relationship, basically. But, that's hard to find. Hard to find a man that'll tell you about how he's going to slowly torture you to death and then fuck your corpse but at the same time is super sweet to you. My last ex was one-of-a-kind, probably. I like the type of man that'll break my legs with a gentle smile on his face and comfort me then throw me into a cage so I can't escape him and am forced to depend on him. But brings me a bunch of yummy foods and puts lots of blankets and stuffies in the cage so it doesn't hurt to sit/lay down in it. Because that's what you do when you love someone! I want a man to love me!

8:08 a.m.: I didn't drink last night! I fell asleep instead. That's good, right? I'm doing a lot better. It's a new month now. My piercing appointment is on the 3rd, so is the background check. Eager to get that over with, excited for new piercings. Bunny woke me up this morning a couple times by throwing around her big bag of hay (she was playing). I can't be mad since she's so cute, lucky her! Now she is binkying on the boxspring. I'm waiting for my tea to cool down. It should probably be cool enough now. I'm going to go drink it. I made a new Minecraft Hardcore world last night, I'm going to work on my starter house when I'm done my tea.

30th of June, 2020

10:03 p.m.: I'd never hurt you, never ever. I don't understand why you think I would. The fact you think I'll hurt you, it hurts me. It makes me so angry to the point that I want to hurt you. But I wouldn't. I want to cry. Everyone's so mean to me. Everyone's scared of me and I'm harmless. I wouldn't hurt them. I don't get it. Because of some silly chemical imbalance in my brain, people are scared of me. The rare few say they're OK being around me as long as I'm "medicated", liike my true self is some kind of evil monster that just hurts people. I'm not scary. Why are people so mean? All I have is Bunny. Bunny isn't scared of me, but sometimes I worry she is and I want to kill myself. But right now I realize Bunny is comfortable with me. She is laying down beside me right now, I'm petting her with my other hand. She's so soft. She looks sleepy. I think she's going to fall asleep. She's purring/grindinig her teeth. That means she's happy and relaxed :-)

Lately, I've become obsessive over making sure things are vegan. Even with fruits and vegetables... It's so stupid. I always search up, "Is *insert fruit/vegetable vegan". And it's like, yes... Obviously. But I need to check because what if everything I know is wrong and fruit and vegetables are actually made of meat??? And I keep checking the same foods over and over again to see if they're vegan even though I know they are. I'm just so scared of eating meat. I don't want to hurt any animals. I'm going to cry if I keep talking about this.

I'm going to go take my night medications now. Hopefully, I will sleep alright tonight and I won't have a nightmare. If I can't sleep, I'll just get drunk and play Minecraft. But I'm real sleepy right now! Lucius is yawning, so I think Lucius will sleep very soon.

6:24 p.m.: When Lil Darkie yelled, "I just wanna die but I can't tie nooses," and, "I am forty-five and there's nobody that will hire me," I felt that.

1:54 p.m.: I fell asleep. I want to rant a bit to start this off.

It's about racists and neo-nazis. I mainly am going to make fun of them here than actually "rant". OK, how do these losers think they're smart when they still believe in pseudoscience??? It's obvious pseudoscience, too. It's been known as fact for decades now that the concept of "race" is pseudoscientific- it's purely a social construct that has no basis in biology or genetics. Scientists have been trying to tell the general public that since at least the 50s. You're not "woke", you're incredibly stupid and failed all your classes, clearly. Just admit it. Admit that you're so desperate for attention you'll believe in any pseudoscience that puts you into a different category than most people. Go learn some basic science instead of "reading" your dated unscientific papers that medical professionals and scientists have disproved countless times since.

OK, I'm done. They really don't deserve that, to be ranted about since they're only looking for attention/trying to be special. But I gave them that anyway. Now, any racists or Neo-Nazis reading this, you can go jack off because I know how horny you are from being given attention. I hate people that act like being rude or ignorant is cool in general. It's not cool. You know what's cool? You know what's punk as fuck? Treating innocent people with respect until they show they're not worth respect. Go get some therapy for your narcissism or psychopathy if you think being rude is cool. No one actually likes you, you just emotionally and physically abuse people into being forced to stick by you and they're too afraid to call you out. Stop acting like a victim.

And I ranted again. I'm grumpy today, huh? But I'm feeling better than yesterday. I hope yesterday was the worst of it and that the rest is easier. I'm feeling significantly less crazy now and not ready to cry over absolutely anything. I'm tired, but otherwise alright. I had another nightmare. Gra-Mère asked me how I sit like I do. I just... do? It's called being autistic. Even if the way I sit/am positioned hurts, I remain that way because I need the pressure it gives certain joints to keep calm. I mainly sit by squatting but with my knees together and under my chin and I rock back and forth on my feet. But sometimes I sit differently and that's what she asked me about.

I just changed my bedsheets. I'm waiting for Bunny to get out of her litterbox so I can change that, too. I'm bored. I don't know how I want to spend today. Play Minecraft? I want to, but I also don't have the energy. Play around with Brackets? No, I've been doing that the past week straight and I'm tired of it. Reblog stuff to Tumblr? Sure, I guess. I'll do that then hopefully I'll have enough energy to play Minecraft by the time I've scrolled through my dash. I'm going to go brew some tea first, though. I haven't had my tea yet this morning!

29th of June, 2020

10:28 p.m.: I didn't sleep still. I just played Pokémon. Then I went to take my night medications since it's too late to take my morning medications now. I take antidepressants in the morning and another type of antidepressants and sleeping pills and my antipsychotics at night. 2020 has been a terrible year so far. At least I take some comfort knowing it's been a terrible year for nearly every one on this planet due to COVID-19. But still, it's not like that's why my year has been so bad already. But whatever. Has it been better than 2019 so far? Yes, but that's not saying much. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a year worse than 2019, that has to be the record, and that's saying A LOT. I zonked out and got all ghosty again. :-| Being a ghost is so much fun, I'm absolutely miserable! That's sarcasm, or whatever it's called. Am I going to sleep now? I should... I don't know if I will, though. Mother said that she loves how I ask her questions I ask myself. What? OK. My brain is melting. I want to go shove rocks into my mouth and break all my teeth. I'm tired. :-( Holy crap, I need to get drunk before I go crazy. I'm already crazy! I hate withdrawals, they make me feel so BAD. I was doing so well until I ran out and now I'm all depressed and suicidal and angry and I want to kill everyone and myself. I hate withdrawals but I love drugs. I suddenly forgot what I was doing, but I read this entry again and realized I was playing Pokémon. Tomorrow is the 30th, then I have 3 more days until I'm free of withdrawals. Oh God, that's so far away. So long to feel like this. I genuinely don't know if I can live that long if I continue feeling as depressed as I did today. Even though I'm feeling better right now, I'm starting to feel so anxious thinking about how terrible I'll feel very soon. I need to get drunk. This is a terrible situation I've gotten myself into, oh no.

All your friends want you dead, by the way. That's what happens when you have friends. Just thought I'd tell you. Go smoke some crack and ditch them. Go squat in that abandoned building, brother. Only drugs can save people like us. The voice in your head, that's me. I'm talking to you. Listen to me for once. You're not alone in your head. Does that scare you? It shouldn't, but it might. Please find me and kill me. Put me out of my misery. I'm sick of being a ghost that lives in people's heads. I'm not a real person. Realize I'm not real and let me finally die.

7:23 p.m.: I couldn't sleep. I ended up sobbing again. I stopped sobbing a few minutes ago. I'm waiting for my face to... look like I wasn't just sobbing for the past hour straight. I'm hungry. I want cherries. So, I will get them. Then I will take my medications. Then, hopefully I can sleep. Or if I can't sleep, hopefully I feel better.

5:54 p.m.: Too high up for my own good. Might not end well. I don't trust anybody. They're all in it for themselves. There's no one in this world that actually cares except for me. I care, and in a world where nobody cares, that's a weakness. What am I even doing right now? I need a drink. You were the only one that made me feel loved. I need you here. It doesn't even matter if I were ever able to make a friend again because I just push them away due to paranoia and feeling like I don't deserve friends. I want to disappear. I want everyone to forget about me cause I don't trust anyone to know about my existence. Withdrawals are really kicking my ass, I feel so suicidal and depressed and distrustful. I have to make it another 4 days of this until I can get them taken care of. But, I'll be real here, I don't think I can. I think I will kill myself at this rate. I'm not going back to the psych ward. I just want to run away into the forest and rot. Get eaten by the wildlife. Have my remains become fertilizer for new life, new plants and new trees. I can't hide from my issues. Why do I even want to hide anyway? Why can't I just be strong and face it? I'm so weak. I need a distraction but I don't have any. I'm so lonely but I'm so distrustful and socially inept. I want to die. I want this all to stop. I'm sick of having to do drugs to stop feeling like shit. I fucking hate you but I still love you. I want you to come back to me. I thought I was over you. I would've fucking killed for you. I needed you and you left me to die. I gave you everything and all you left me was myself laying on the bathroom floor with all those pills to fucking DIE. FUCK YOU. I'll never forgive you. But I want you back so badly. I'm so lonely and I miss your company and comfort. I wish I died back then. I miss you so much. I want to kill myself. I'm so sad. What fucking motivation do I have to stay alive anyway. None. There's absolutely nothing there. I have no one that'd care. I have no one that would even fucking notice if I just dropped dead right now. I hate life. Every day just HURTS, there's nothing good about living. I wonder if you still think about me. Probably not, I was nothing to you. I've always had a problem with trusting people too easily and I'm so done with that. Fuck everyone, they're all psychopaths. I want to kill them before they hurt me more. I give people EVERYTHING, I'm the most loyal person on this fucking planet SERIOUSLY, I BURN THEIR FUCKING NAMES INTO MY SKIN and would do ANYTHING for them even MURDER INNOCENT PEOPLE yet no one can offer me anything in return. I'm so fucking sick of giving people everything just for them to hurt me terribly. What the fuck am I to do now. Everyone leaves me and I want to die. Why doesn't anyone care about me. I finally stopped crying but my head hurts so much. I think I'm just going to sleep before I go run onto the highway or something. Then by the time I wake up everyone should be just about asleep and I can get drunk.

2:41 p.m.: I hate it how they assume if I'm taking my medications, I should be 100% happy and my mental illnesses and autism disappear. Then they threaten to stop the medications even if they are helping or they threaten other things that are way more important to me that I don't want to get into. And whenever I had a genuine complaint with something or wasn't smiling or laughing at a joke for whatever reason, I get yelled at and called slurs and forcibly medicated in front of people as humiliation and to try and make me think every part of me is "crazy" and everything I feel is because I'm "crazy." I've almost choked to death a couple times when she forcibly medicated me. And she doesn't care at all! She just continues to yell at me and insult me!

I don't know if I've wrote about it here yet but I know I did on my Tumblr blog the day it happened. A few months ago now before Mother left again, she did something that really messed with my head. It still bothers me. She came into my room when I was peacefully watching a documentary to scream at me and insult me. I was having a bad autism day, so I ept kindly repeating asking her to leave and saying I'm not able to talk right now. And she just got angry and started yelling louder and louder and it really scared me. And so I started crying and telling her she was scaring me and begging her to leave me alone. But she wouldn't and she started walking closer to me. Keep in mind I was trapped in the corner of my room covering my face and sobbing hysterically and screaming that I was scared. I was genuinely terrified and she knew it, I made it more than clear. And obviously when she started walking towards me, I thought she was going to hurt me, so I impulsively stood up and tried to run around her and out of the room. But she grabbed me by my wrists really painfully and threw me to the floor. Then called out to my sister and C saying lies about what I did and that I "need to go to the psych ward" because I'm "fucking crazy" and both my sister and C heard the whole thing apparently since they were in the next room but of course they're both actual textbook psychopaths so they went along with it and they LITERALLY LAUGHED AT ME and then forced me into the car, didn't even let me get dressed or use the bathroom, to drive me to the emergency room. They took my phone so I couldn't text or call anyone and tell them the actual story or ask for help. And I was crying the whole way there and I was still aboslutely terrified and I was trying to think of a way to escape because I was convinced they were going to rape and kill me. I was planning to ask to stop somewhere and then run out of the car. But that never happened, so I planned on telling the hospital staff. But of course it was all their plan, I wasn't dressed, I was all messy and sobbing, so of course the staff thought I was crazy despite me telling them I didn't feel safe. I didn't end up getting hospitalized, but I spent the rest of the day sitting in the "safe room" in the emeregency, the safe room is where they throw mentally ill people so they can't hurt anyone or themselves. I've been there every other time I was hospitalized.

They're not called CPS here, I forget what they're called, so I'll just call them CPS anyway since they serve the same purpose. The CPS have been called on my family three times in one month before, when I was 15. My guidance counsellor called them because of the things I was sharing with her. And my principal also called once after a teacher caught me cutting in class. And that still wasn't enough for the CPS to say, "Hey, something is seriously wrong here." Apparently unless you're getting beat nearly to death every single day, they won't help you. They're fucking useless. Every time, they sat me down at the table RIGHT BESIDE MY PARENTS. They didn't let me talk to them alone, the parents had to be there. What the fuck??? What the fuck, what the fuck!? IF you suspect the parents of abuse, then WHY DO YOU HAVE THE PARENTS SIT RIGHT BESIDE THEIR CHILD??? Are they that braindead???? So, yes, they were never any help and all they did was cause more problems in my homelife which I don't want to get into right now but it was much worse after that. So fucking THANKS, CPS.

How are the medications supposed to help me when I still have all these problems with my homelife???

Always so sick of people saying "move away". Do you really think I haven't considered that in all of these 17 years??? I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. And it's impossible for me to move away because I'm FUCKING DISABLED. I MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND FINANCIALLY DEPEND ON PEOPLE THAT HURT ME. "Go stay at a friend's" I have no fucking friends!!! And I'm not one of those ungrateful people who say they have no friends when they have a whole bunch, I literally don't talk to anyone outside of my family and I don't even have acquaintances!!! And the only hope I've ever had, A killed himself to escape me, and the other one who was my last ex, literally left me to die of an overdose. So fuck off. No one understands how truly hopeless my situation is. I want to die. There's no point in living if every day I am going to be so damn miserable. IT doesn't even matter if my situation magically changes because my brain is so fucked up. PERMANENTLY. I can't fix everything wrong with my brain. I am doomed to suffer as long as I'm alive. So just let me die, please, God. I'm so tired of sobbing and hurting every single goddamn day of my entire life. Suicide is the only way this will ever stop. I want to die so badly. But I need to stay for Bunny. I'll continue suffering for Bunny, Bunny being safe is more important. But I just wish I never adopted her so I could die already.

I'm going to go pet Bunny. Maybe I'll feel better.

2:21 p.m.: My brain has been bothering me a lot the past few days. It keeps showing me scenarios of Bunny not happy. I see something bad happen to Bunny in my head. I know none of it is true or will happen. I keep seeing Olive kill Bunny, Olive throws Bunny around like she's some toy and there's blood everywhere and she rips her apart. And I start crying. I know Olive would never do that, she's a very calm and shy dog, but my brain is so mean like this. I have to go check on Bunny every few minutes or seconds to make sure she's OK. I want Bunny to be safe and happy. If she dies in a bad way, I am killing myself instantly. I don't mind her passing away peacefully, but if she is in pain AT ALL, I can't handle it. I don't like it when animals are hurt. I tried watching a video this morning but there was a brief talk about some psychopath hurting animals and I started crying so I had to shut it off. I just went to pet Bunny. She's so unbelievably soft and her ears are warm. She was chattering her teeth together as I pet her, that's how a bunny "purrs", it means she's happy. So, I'm happy she's happy. I just wish I could stop this constant anxiety of something happening to her. It's always there and interrupts me whenever I'm feeling good.

4 and a half more days of withdrawal until I get more. I wanted to get drunk again this morning to cope. I didn't, thankfully, but I'll probably drink again tonight. I think I'm relapsing into alcoholism, shit. All I want to do is cry. I didn't take my pills this morning. I'll take them at dinner. I like to take my night pills with neat alcohol. Makes it quicker to get fucked up. I want to smoke weed but I also don't have weed right now, have to wait for the 3rd. All I have is alcohol. I hope Gra-Père doesn't see me relapsing into alcoholism. I've been more open to drinking since he's gone since he was the only one who drank the alcohol here (Mère doesn't) and now he's not here to notice all these empty bottles. I don't think anyone else will notice, I don't think they pay attention. Oh God, at least I hope not. If they are paying attention, I'm FUCKED. Especially since they'll assume it's because Père died when it's not and they'll throw me into the psych ward again to try and make me better for that but there's not even any problem to fix??? Or She'll do what she always does and threaten me and I want to stop thinking about that. Shit. Sorry, Mother. I love you even if I write bad things about you here. I know how hard you try. If I were you, I would've killed myself/Lucius by now with how terrible I am. I can't blame you for anything bad.

10:32 a.m.: I have a bunch of missing time from last night. It's not because I drank, I didn't drink anywhere near enough to blackout like this, it's just my schizophrenia again. But still, I hate it. All my missing time/memory gaps are so annoying. I never know what happened during them and they happen randomly, I can't control them.

I'm still rather dizzy. They're leaving soon. Speak of the Devil, they just left! I gave Olive some treats. Apparently at 11:30 a.m. I am to feed her a banana. Bunny likes bananas too! But I already gave Bunny one (a piece, they can't have a whole one) this morning. Olive is a nice dog. I like her because she's very calm. I might take a video of her later and share it.

10:01 a.m.: Fixed yesterday's date. I'm really cold. I love almond yogurt SO MUCH. Try making an American parfait with almond yogurt, it's SO MUCH BETTER! Maybe I'm biased, but vegan alternatives ALWAYS taste so much better. I'm really tired. I want to sleep again. I've been having a lot of nightmares again lately. I want to sleep but I need to stay awake to watch Olive since they're leaving for a bit. Ah, it's super cold. I want to cry. I want a husband. I love men. Even when I'm sad, I still think about men and my heart is filled with love... for men... Love them. So perfect. I just want all men to be happy, is that too much to ask? I'm CRYING because I love men. I'm sober right now I just get a bit delirious when I'm this sleepy. But then again I always want to cry when I think about men. I love them SO MUCH. It should be illegal to be so perfect!!! I just want to hug a man right now and tell him I love him and that he deserves the world. I'm so gay. I love men. I'm going to go drink my tea now but just now that I STILL LOVE MEN and I still want to write more but my tea is going to be real bitter now if I don't go drink it.

28th of June, 2020

11:18 p.m.: I was able to sleep for a bit after I got drunk. I'm awake now, obviously. I'm tired. I want to go back to sleep since I'm tired, but I also want to stay up to play Minecraft. I don't know why. I know Minecraft will still be here tomorrow, there's no rush to play it now, but my brain is dumb and doesn't care about that. I wish I had a husband to cuddle with right now. I want to fall asleep in his arms. I love men and I'm sleepy. I think I'm going to try to sleep again.

5:51 p.m.: I know it's the withdrawals, but I feel so anxious right now and all I can think about is killing myself. I want to sleep it off, but I'm restless despite being tired. I'm not going to do anything, but I honestly want to. I need to cry, but I can't. I don't know what to do to cope. I might go get drunk even though I promised myself after the last time I drank that I'd stay sober for the rest of the time I spend here. But I feel terrible and getting drunk is the only way I can think to cope when I don't have the drugs I need and I can't sleep it off. I haven't even drank yet but I'm already feeling tremendously guilty and ashamed because I decided I will. It's only 6 p.m., too. I usually wait until everyone is asleep here because I don't want to worry them but I can't wait that long. I hate myself so much.

11:25 a.m.: I swear, whenever someone makes a French character, they write down on their character sheet, "Personality: French." Like, for real. LOL. I've never seen a French character that wasn't a stereotype.

27th of June, 2020

7:42 p.m.: Hi! Lucius is playing around again. Yes, I am! I've been making another Tumblr theme. It's nowhere near done, but you can check out the live preview here if you'd like. If you refresh every now and then, you'll probably see me playing around with it :-) I really love Captain Ilima's design. The colours are really pretty, I love brown and pink together. So, that's why I used him for the icon! Brown is an underrated colour in general. You can never go wrong with brown! I don't understand why it's so hated. "Because it looks like poop," it also looks like the colour of lots of gorgeous animals, trees, chocolate, and many more lovely things. The heck is your point? Red looks like acne and green looks like vomit, by that logic. I tend to love all colours despite only wearing black. I'd like more black-and-purple clothing. I also love yellow! And green! And orange! And pink! And red! And blue! All colours!!!

I learnt about 1.16.2 a while ago. There's a new mob!!! The Piglin Brute, it's called. It's meant to make Piglin Bastions more difficult, so it only spawns there. It has a lot of health and doesn't care that you're wearing gold armour. It also doesn't get distracted if you throw gold. It just immediatedly tries to kill you. I think that's a good addition! But right now it's Bedrock-exclusive, I believe, and it's just a beta. It's a surprise that there's already a new mob, but it makes sense. You should add that mob quickly to make the Bastions more frightening for players from the start. The Bastions should be a frightening place for players! And so, I love the new mob.

5:34 p.m.: Nevermind, I lied, I want to say more. I want a husband that will wear skirts with me. We both can wear skirts and we'd be the cutest couple ever. And I want a husband that lets me paint his nails (preferably black because he'd also be a trad goth). I'd love a trad goth husband beyond words. We could do each other's makeup!! And tease/backcomb each other's hair!! And listen to gothic rock while we smoke weed together!! That'd be perfect. I love men and I want a husband SO BADLY.

5:33 p.m.: Last night, I watched TREY the Explainer's new video on the Minoan civilization. All I could think was, "Wow, I wish men still dressed like they did." Men walking around in public dressed in crop tops and mini skirts? Oh, Hell yeah! Men are gorgeous and they need to flaunt it more often. I wouldn't complain at all. Does that make me a pervert? But, I mean... have you ever seen a man in a crop top? Holy HECK is it pleasing to the eyes. Crop tops and skirts were made for men. That's all I want to say. I'm gay.

26th of June, 2020

7:58 p.m.: I went to the store. The cashier RECOGNIZED MIMIKYU!!! She said, "Your Mimikyu is adorable", and it made me so happy! I'm still smiling over it. Mimikyu is happy too! Because, yes, it's true, he's adorable! Happy Lucius and happy Mimikyu! My computer updated while I was gone and apparently Microsoft Edge got a big makeover. I hated the old Microsoft Edge, but I actually really like this one. I think I'm going to use this browser from now on. I'm happy it transferred all my extensions. I think it's probably a very old update. I have a habit of postponing my updates... forever. I schedule it for a certain night thinking I'll be asleep at then, but then I'm always awake all night and want to waste time on my computer, so I postpone it again. And that repeats forever until I forget and my computer updates by itself.

Today has been pretty good despite my lack of energy/tiredness. I just want to lay in bed for the rest of the day and play Minecraft and listen to music. I turned my Tumblr DMs back on. Feel free to message me on there now, just know if you're one of those drama-obsessed people/online emotional abusers you're getting blocked ASAP. DNI if you have a DNI lol. I despise the Tumblr community which is why I've had my DMs off. I just use it because I've been using it since I was 12, so I know how it works.

I'm open again to making friends. I'm beginning to accept that what happened with A wasn't my fault. He had much more going on in his life than my drug problems and drunk-complaining. And I think I've improved enough to be able to have friends. My medications are working finally. Beginning to realize A wouldn't want me to continue isolating myself when I need a friend.

Also, oh my Lord! Listening to a new daniels gone song. It's so good. I'll post it to my music page later.

Gra-Mère is doing a lot better. I haven't seen her cry for a few days. I mean, she probably is crying sometimes, but not as much as before. She talks about Père sometimes in a happy way, which is also a good sign. I'm doing alright, as expected with my positive perspective on death. But I will say I sometimes forget he's gone. When I go for dinner, I often expect him to come sit beside me and crack some jokes like he always did. It's a bit jarring when I expect that but he never appears. But I don't get sad, I just brush it off. I'll see him again one day. Or, well, not "one day", because in Death there is no time. I'll see him eventually, is what I mean to say. Whenever I die for real. Until then, I'll try to enjoy life.

OH MY LORD AGAIN! Listening to the new Jake Hill song, it's soooo good. I need to share this RIGHT NOW, so I'm ending this here. I love Jake so much!!!

2:31 p.m.: He created a page of 'letters', of some kind? He has to wait to finish them all. When I focus on the people and situations, I'll write them. I'm tired. I woke up a while ago. I don't think I can remember my dream. I have to do my injection today. I forgot to write this down, but when Ca was here, she asked me if my nails were real. Yes, they are. I always get confused when people ask me that, I get asked that a lot when my nails are long. My nails are very unhealthy, they're blue and brittle due to malnutrition. But I guess people only notice the length since my nails are always painted a matte black. I shape my nails to be square/rectangle. That's definitely not the best shape for nails that break easily, but it's my favourite. I like stiletto nails/claws but those make it really hard to do anything. I hate oval nails with a passion. I've been growing my nails out here because I can't play piano here anyway, so there's nothing stopping me from growing them out again. I love having long nails. I think they're pretty and I like to stim with them. It's fun to tap your nails against things. Also, Bunny likes being pet with long nails. Which reminds me, I should trim her nails soon.

I'm back to being active on Tumblr.

25th of June, 2020

11:42 p.m.: I'm feeling a lot better now. I just caught a little moth that was flying around my computer screen. I woke Mère up to ask her to unlock the doors (there's an alarm she puts on at night if you open the doors) so I could put him outside since I don't like killing moths. I just got back from releasing him. He was adorable! It made me happy to see him, and it made me happy to put him back outside where he belongs. I love moths. This little moth doesn't know he saved my life, he made me happy enough to pull me out of my suicidal bout. I hope he lives a good rest of his life for me, as my thanks for helping me out. I love animals. Animals are one of the things that make life worth living. There's animals that I can save and make happy as long as I'm alive.

9:45 p.m.: That same woman once messaged using a platform i couldn't block her on and told me I support pedophilia because she took advantage of me and I used to date older women when I was 13. She blamed me and then told me to kill myslef in that message and said all my previous suicide attempts were fake despite knowing about how many times I was hospitalized for it. I'm so frustrated and distraught she got away with everything. I fucking hate this world and I hate feminism which allows women to rape and abuse boys and men and get away with it.

9:20 p.m.: I want to cry. Ever since I wrote about 2019 earlier today, I've been thinking about that woman who harassed me nearly an entire year. Especially when she took advantage of me. I hate her so much, but I feel guilty for blaming her for taking advantage of me because I feel like it's my fault. I remember one night I was blacked out high on benzos and I woke up the next morning not remembering anything. But I checked my messages and apparently I spent the whole night messaging her NSFW things and she was encouraging it. She was 20 and I was 16. I felt so disgusted when I was sober and read it, I panicked and decided to pretend I was fine with it and remembered it all but I didn't and I would never have done that sober. But I feel like it's my fault and that I wanted to do that because why would I have done that if I didn't want to? So I'm not the victim. I shouldn't be angry at her but I AM. And I feel so gross. That's not even the worst I've experienced in terms of "sexual abuse" yet it bothers me greatly. Why the fuck did no one do anything? Why did all my friends know about it but then side with her and tell me to kill myself and harass me for nearly an entire year? What the fuck? What the fuck?? That makes me feel even more like I'm not the victim. There was only one person who still stuck by me but I was worried she'd turn on me too so I cut off contact with her to protect myself. She was the only one who pointed out that the woman was a pedophile that took advantage of me, she was 20 as well but she was a friend and we never talked about anything NSFW. She was like my older sister. I actually only realized she was a pedophile as well when she pointed it out, then it hit me that yes what she did was wrong. But obviously I haven't realized that completely if I'm blaming myself. I just want to cry. Why do women get away with sexually abusing boys?? Why is it always the victim's fault?? I want to die. I want to die so I don't have to remember anything. I'm remembering the CSA now too. I wish I could forget everything but I can't. It's stuck in my head and random things I can't escape give me flashbacks. Names, colours, objects, places, temperatures, environments, clothing/fabrics, names, voices, words, so many things give me flashbacks and I can't avoid what causes them because IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! What am I supposed to do? Suddenly wipe out the existence of all of those things? It's impossible. I can't get therapy for it, I can't talk to anyone about it, so I'll never get better. I hate the world and I hate all these abusive women and I want to DIE. I can't escape any of this unless I die. I want to overdose. I might I don't know. I don't know where they keep my pills and I'll have to calculate how much I need to die but that's a bit hard right now since I don't have a scale here to weigh myself. So It might be off. I know I shouldn't but I feel like I can't stop myself right now. But I'll have to wait until everyone goes to sleep. I hope by then I am not feeling impulsively suicidal so I'll be OK. But if I continue feeling this way I know I will.

7:48 p.m.: I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I do have one talent. And that talent is creeping people out. It seems even when I'm not trying to, I spook people anyway. My personality tends to creep people out. I remember one girl said I reminded her of Norman Bates (from Bates Motel, not the original) and was scared of me LOL. I'm very quiet, so I tend to accidentally sneak up on people. Or people are just surprised when they notice I'm there even though I've been sitting/standing there for a while because they forget or don't notice me. I scare Al, Mère, and Mother all the time with my quietness. But I'm also great at scaring people when I try to. I'm very good at making "demonic" noises, so I do that all the time, both as a stim and to try and scare people. It works, especially when paired with my quietness. When people don't notice I'm there, I like to make Grudge noises and scare the crap out of them. It's so much fun! The Grudge noises are my favourite to make since it's very easy and you can do it with your mouth closed, so it confuses people that don't know how to do it. I also like to place my dolls in strange places because people are scared of them. One time I placed one of the "creepiest" dolls to Mother beside her bed when she was sleeping. I also love to make jokes about my dolls being haunted around Mother because she gets so scared lol! She always says if I keep joking about them being haunted, she's going to throw them out. She can go right ahead and do that. They're going to be back on the doorstep the next day anyway since they're haunted :-)

Whenever I go home, I'll be sure to take pictures of my dolls to share here. I really love dolls. Most of them are porcelain, but I had some rag dolls in the past. Two of my dolls from the 30s aren't porcelain, either. One is rubber, I think? And the other is plastic and dangly/limp. The other doll from the 30s is porcelain, though. Those three dolls are the ones most people find creepy because they're very damaged from being from the 1930s. But those ones are my personal favourites! I love damaged dolls a lot. They're beautiful to me, not creepy, and they have more history and personality behind them. I do think my dolls have souls, but I wouldn't say they're haunted. They have souls just like my stuffies do. Each one has a unique personality.

7:24 p.m.: I decided instead of going through the hassle of changing this entire site, I'm going to make a Tumblr sideblog to get all my Halloween enthusiasm out instead. Also, I added more songs to the music player. All the new music is Josh A.

5:52 p.m.: I really want to make this site Halloween-themed. I know it's not near Halloween, but I can't help it. I love Halloween so much and I enjoy anything Halloween-themed all year!! Halloween should be every day, I strongly believe that. There's no good reason it should be limited to one month!!!

3:46 p.m.: I finally added theNonverbal Immediacy Scale results that I posted here a long time ago to the 'graphics' page.

Père's sister left today when I was sleeping. Al and Sh arrived yesterday evening, along with their dog, Olive. Olive was here last time, too, I think I forgot to mention that. I like Olive. Olive and Ella are the only dogs I like. I know the reason why I don't like dogs, it's not because I'm scared they'll attack me, but I'm not comfortable explaining why. All I will say is that it has something to do with the person who molested me. Okay, screw it, she hurt dogs and I remember that when I see dogs, so it makes me uncomfortable. I need to change topics now. I'm a coward and I'm starting to not feel good.

I've been working on making a Tumblr sideblog for every colour... because I like to organize things by colour... It feels good. It's sensory good to see things organized by colour. And it's calming to organize things like that. And I also get to play around with themes with every new sideblog I make. I want to make something more complex, like the themes popular back in 2015, but I also don't because I don't like the small images and small text they come with. They're so hard for me to read. But I do want to try anyway.

I still haven't gotten back to my Listography. I need to do that. Listing daily positives improved my mood.

I don't have a lot of weed left :-( My sister is going to bring me more when we go to the RCMP station. Because. YEAH. LOL. I used to carry opioids and benzos in my schoolbag without caring because it's legal to carry them as long as you're not "taking" them. Obviously, I did take them. I'd take them throughout the day and get sedated during class because I had a problem. They were the only thing that kept me calm during class. If I didn't take them, I'd be more anxious than usual because of withdrawals (and that's saying a lot from how anxious I was before I developed a problem with drugs). Don't be like me, kids. Although kids shouldn't be reading this at all. But if a kid is, yes, don't be like me. Or else your life will become Hell, trust me, and you'll make everyone you love betray you or kill themselves to escape all the pain you cause them when you're on drugs. And then all the friends that betrayed you will come back with a vengeance and be lead by a pedophile that took advantage of you when you were fucked up on drugs and blame you for your loved one's suicide and tell you to kill yourself and no matter how many times you blocked them they'd find a way to harass you and sometimes they pretend to be a different person to be friends just to get more information to use against you and harass you further. That was 2019 for me. Lol. Worst year of my life and it was all my fucking fault because I'm CRAZY.

I feel good so far today. I want to go commit arson. But I won't because arson bad and jail scary. I'm so happy Monster Ultras are vegan. Apparently in Europe, Ultra Red isn't vegan... I don't drink Ultra Red often, but that'd still upset me if I lived in Europe. But here, all Monster Ultra flavours are vegan! I'm going to go get some Ultra Zero right now. It's upstairs. So I'm ending this here.

24th of June, 2020

9:39 p.m.: Quickly threw this together out of anger. Feel free to use it/share without credit if you want.

9:27 p.m.: Friendly reminder Mimikyu is against the CCP and stands with Hong Kongers.

9:23 p.m.: I am so disappointed right now, but what can you expect from a greedy corporation? Donate to BLM but then partner with Tencent... What the heck? What hypocrisy. I'm not getting that new Pokémon game, no. I don't want to support the CCP. I don't understand how they act like they care about human rights by donating to BLM but then partner with Tencent. Well, I do understand. They want money. They have no actual morals, whatever gets them money is all that matters.

7:04 p.m.: Lil Darkie is good music to give yourself a lobotomy to. Have I said that before? Probably. And that's one of the reasons I need a lobotomy!

11:37 a.m.: LOL, I'm silly! I went outside to get a better look at them and realized it's lavender. It was a bit hard to tell from how dried up they are, but the smell made me instantly recognize them. It's lavender, for sure. That's really sweet of whoever did that. I told Mother and she said she thinks it's probably the neighbourhood kids. Probably. That'd also make sense why they didn't ring the doorbell, because kids are shy like that.

I accidentally stepped in a couple anthills (barefoot). But luckily I didn't anger any ants! I try not to kill ants, but I am honestly not fond of them. I only kill them if they're a problem inside the house because ants quickly become a problem indoors. I used to kill ants all the time, but now that I'm older, I realized that ants are still important despite my personal dislike of them. Why am I against unnecessarily killing other insects but kill ants even though I don't need to? And I realized that's wrong and stopped. I don't really care how silly people think it is. Why are you not OK with killing dogs but it's OK to kill insects for no reason? You don't get to pick and choose which species of animal are worth living or not. Except mosquitoes. I can understand killing mosquitoes because it's pretty much always necessary since they don't leave you alone. But you get what I mean. If an insect isn't being harmful, you shouldn't kill them. That's my opinion.

11:19 a.m.: Someone left a bouquet outside our door. I'm not sure what flowers they are, but they're purple. I'll search them up later and see if I can identify them. Apparently they were there the other day, now they're all dried up. Nobody told me about it until now because they thought I was the one who did it. I wasn't. I didn't even know about the bouquet. I wonder who left it there? It was really kind of them to do so. I wish I realized they were there earlier so I brought them in and put them in a vase. I think it might be one of the neighbours who saw the ambulances the day Père died. It's just puzzling why they wouldn't have rang the doorbell to give them. We've been home.

10:48 p.m.: You can save more money by dumpster-diving than you ever can by using Honey. Just saying.

Hi! Silly Lucius realized he can't get the snake bites yet. Because while piercers are open, you need to wear a mask, and I can't wear one since snake bites are lip piercings. I don't know why I didn't realize that earlier. But I am getting pierced again on the 3rd of July. I'm just getting some ear piercings instead. I'll get my snake bites when more restrictions are lifted.

Somebody ate one of my special foods... probably Père's sister. It upsets me, but I'm trying not to let it upset me too much.

Al and Sh are coming back later today!!! I'm excited!

I told Mère I was getting the snake bites so she wouldn't be surprised and she said it bothers her to see people with piercings because she thinks it looks painful. Well, she'll get used to it. She sees me with my septum all the time since I don't hide it/flip the jewelry up. I don't really understand why some people can't look at piercings because they think it looks painful. You don't even feel it. It just feels like a natural part of your face. It only hurts when you first get it and it's going through the healing process. I forget I even have a septum piercing until I look in the mirror since it feels so natural.

I'm so thirsty. I'm waiting for my tea to cool down some. I drink Earl Grey every morning, and often at 12 p.m., too. At night, I like to have something without much caffeine. Herbal teas are good for sleeping. I don't like coffee, it's too bitter. I don't usually put anything in my tea, but some days I put a very tiny amount of almond milk in it and some honey.

My tea is probably cool enough now.

23rd of June, 2020

8:34 p.m.: I'm probably going to change /index.html to a warning page about the content on this site. I know I wrote a warning on the index, but it's not very visible, so it's not that good of a warning. I'll probably change what's currently /index.html to /home.html.

7:34 p.m.: I'm so tired despite sleeping until 3 p.m. I'm not going to sleep, though. I'm going to stay awake all night and all day since I have to call the doctor tomorrow. It's about my injections. I don't know if I should tell her about the problems it's causing because I'm scared she'll stop the medication. The phone call is scheduled to be at 2 p.m. I really want my snake bites now. Piercings make me so happy! Body modifications in general do. I'll see if I can get them done the same day my sister and C are bringing me to the RCMP station.

I asked Mother when she'll be home. She said possibly the end of July. I'm worried cases will spike, though, and it'll be even later than that. There's definitely going to be a lot more cases here since everyone seems to think it disappeared. It irritates me so much. If people actually listened, we'd have the situation under control by now! And then they complain about social distancing and/or having to wear masks... Ugh, it's your fault because you're extending the duration, for God's sake! Maybe if you actually listened and cared about innocent peoples' lives you could be out partying again???

Piercers are open now but they care, obviously. I mean, they usually do, that's why they already disinfected everything before COVID-19. My piercer pierced my septum in his home, he has a little room downstairs where he does it. C is friends with him, that's why he's my piercer, so I trust him to not get me sick. I'm asking him later today if he can do my snake bites some time this week. I'm not too sure if I would get very sick if I caught COVID-19, but I don't want to get Mère sick. I think I probably would get very sick myself, too, since I'm not physically well. I don't have a "big" physical health diagnosis (I have minor ones, though) right now, but I know there's something seriously wrong with my body. And it shouldn't surprise anyone since I've been doing drugs and starving myself since I was 12. Of course my body is damaged beyond repair at this point. My doctors know about my chronic pain but we don't know what's causing it yet. One doctor thinks I might have fibromyalgia, but I don't know. I think it's more likely that starving/malnutrition has damaged by bones and joints. And we won't know for sure for a while, until the COVID-19 stuff calms down.

Speaking of diagnosis (this is pretty off-topic even then, though), Mother told me she thinks I'm bipolar... the heck? I'm not bipolar LOL. I can kind of understand why she thinks that, but I know I don't have it because the symptoms of bipolar are identical to a lot of the symptoms/traits of both schizophrenia and autism. But it still bothers me. I don't like it when people throw accusations like that at me. It just feels like she doesn't take what I do have seriously and needs some other diagnosis to take me seriously. It's annoying and offensive. As I've said before, I've "revoked" every mental health diagnosis I have other than those. Depression, I'm iffy with. Sometimes I do believe the depression diagnosis is right, but often I think my psychiatrists are mistaking my naturally sad personality as depression. And how can you not be extremely sad when life has been hell for the entire 17 years you've been alive? Lol. I've been surrounded by abuse, drugs, suicide, and early death my entire life. Abuse since birth because of my father and sister. Drugs since I was 5, but abusing since 12. Suicide at 16. Early death at either 10 or 11, I can't remember, when Say died when she was 14 in a car crash on drugs. The car went off into the river. Say got decapitated and died instantly. Her boyfriend (also 14) drowned. Say wasn't really my friend, she was my sister's, but she had a terrible homelife and was at our house most days to avoid her homelife, so I knew her well. I remember a few months before she died she went to court against her uncle for raping her. I didn't find out what happened, though, if he was charged or not.

But I want that to change. I want the rest of my life to get better. I want to finally be happy. I want to get away from everything that makes me sad, all the bad things from my past. I want to move away from this place that makes me sad and move to a place that makes me happy (Newfoundland). I want to have friends that make me happy and are nice. And I want a husband. It seems impossible, but I'm going to try my best to achieve those things. I know that's what A would want. A would want me to be happy and not to follow his footsteps. I want to make him proud. I've been wondering lately if maybe that's why he's not talking to me, because he won't until I get better. Because he might think if he talks to me, I'd have enough proof to kill myself to join him. And so he's waiting for me to happy and able to handle it.

If A can somehow read this, I'll try my best. I can't make any promises that I will live and be happy, but I can promise that I'll try my best to do those things. I still love you and I want to make you proud. I'm waiting for the day I can hear your name and remember you and not feel sad. I'm waiting for the day that when I think of you, I feel happy. I'm sorry for everything wrong that I did, but I'm trying my best to change every day. That's all I can do now since you're not coming back and I'll never be able to change the things I did in the past. Sometimes I wish you'd give me a hug or tell me that you love me like you used to do all the time. It's hard to cope and it's hard to get better, but I'll try my best. I love you a lot.

6:37 p.m.: I really want to make the graphics on this site myself, but I can't because I don't have my drawing tablet anymore. Bunny chewed it and destroyed it a few months ago. For some reason, the cord that you plug into the computer was attached to the actual tablet. Like, you couldn't unplug it from the tablet. It was stuck there, so if it broke, the whole thing was garbage. It's really stupid design but I bet it was purposelly done so they can get more money. Sigh.

4:20 p.m.: I haven't gone to the Nether yet. I forgot that yesterday I stupidly used up most of my gold making powered rails, so I only had enough for a gold chestplate, helmet, and pants. But I just went down to my mine and got the rest of the gold needed, some for the leftover gold boots and the rest for bartering with the Piglins. I'll go to the Nether after I write this entry.

So, the next step is to get a criminal background check. I'm going sometime this week. Apparently we have to go to the RCMP station and they take my fingerprints and ask me questions, I think. I'm nervous, but I know nothing will happen. I just don't like the RCMP. And I hate that it reminds me of that one time too I called the police on myself. God, I hate remembering that. It makes me shake when I remember it. I locked myself in the school staff bathroom to call the police on myself and the school had to go on lockdown while they escorted me out and I had to go into this ambulance that was literally as hot as volcano, it was miserable. I called the police on myself because I was about to kill myself and I didn't want to but I felt like I had to and I couldn't stop myself so I made the impulsive decision to call the police.

But it shouldn't take long. I don't imagine I'll be in there for long, and my sister and C will be there, so I doubt the officers will do anything to me. I have this stupid paranoia that they'll throw me into jail for being an addict or they'll hatecrime me for being LGBT. Worst part is that when I think about it, it's not "stupid paranoia" because the RCMP does that every day. Their whole job is to throw people into jail and suffer and get raped for excercising their God-given right to put whatever they want in their own bodies that harms NO ONE except MAYBE themselves. And none of them wear bodycams. They get to kill unarmed people without repercussion because they were "panicking" but no one, including at-risk groups of hatecrimes and violence, are allowed to carry pepper spray or even a baseball bat because they can decide it's a weapon whenever they want and get you in trouble. The government wants all at-risk groups to get assaulted. Trudeau is a fucking virtue-signalling sociopathic idiot. "Progressive", my ass. Don't listen to him or what left-wing Canadian nationalists says. We're just as fucked up as America. I'd say even worse because at least Americans realize they have a problem where Canadians like to pretend it's so good here and ignore our countless problems just so we can shit on America. Every time I go out in public I'm terrified I'm going to get beaten or raped or something like that and there's nothing I can do to defend myself without getting arrested or fined. I understand Canada is a lot better than other countries out there, and I'm grateful I can shit on the government like I'm doing right now without being thrown into jail or murdered by the government, but that doesn't mean we should ignore the other problems. Because that's a great way to end up with an authoritarian shithole, if you ignore all the problems.

I didn't mean to end up ranting, whoops. I won't delete it, though. Instead, to make up for it, I'll talk about something positive related to this country. I love Newfoundland and Labrador. I want to live there. I want to live on a foggy, isolated cliffside up in Newfoundland with my husband and enjoy life. They have more puffins there than we do here, too. I mean, the Atlantic puffin is even their provincial bird! It's the perfect place for me. Relatively quiet/lonely, incredibly foggy, beautiful nature, and lots of Atlantic puffins!! I love fog so much. I never understood why people hate it, it's always been my favourite weather. I feel at peace and at home when it's foggy, so I also don't understand people who act like fog is "edgy" and "sad". It's beautiful and calming. I wish it was foggy 24/7. Same with rain, I love rain as well. I love standing outside barefoot when it's raining and just getting drenched. It feels so nice. I still like jumping in puddles, too, I haven't outgrown that. And I love all the worms that come out when it's raining!!! Worms are adorable!!! I like to name them.

I should go play Minecraft again now.

3:33 p.m.: I woke up about 20 minutes ago, but I'm so energetic already because I remembered MINECRAFT 1.16 IS OUT!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO BE DOING ALL DAY, EXPLORING THE NETHER. Holy crap I'm so excited, I'm downloading the new update right now!! And it's done! That was quick. I'm so excited to explore the Basalt Delta, that's my new favourite thing above Minecraft. I want to build a house there and live in the Nether!! I'M SO EXCITED HOLY CRAP! I'm going to go play now. I turned off all my resource packs even though they're already 1.16 compatible because I want to experience it default at first.

22nd of June, 2020

9:43 p.m.: I'm still working on it, but I made the list on Listography. It's here if you want to check it out. Once I have more down, I'll link it to my 'resources' page on this site.

8:40 p.m.: I know Father's Day was yesterday and I already wished a happy Father's Day, but I just want to say: Special shoutout to single fathers and all good fathers that lost custody of their children to an abusive mother because the legal system is incredibly biased and harmful. I love you and you're strong as heck. I support you. I know I'm talking a lot about men today, but I can't help it. Men make me happy and I like talking about them. I should make a list on my Listography for good resources/charities for men. Sadly, there's not many. There's zero shelters for abused men, for example. Some women's shelters accept men, but few do and instead insult them and say disgusting shit like wishing they get abused or raped. And the legal system is biased and doesn't help. That's why the small amount of charities and other resoures are super important to share. I just want the best for men. I want men to be happy and live fulfilling lives.

8:21 p.m.: I love it when men support other men. Like, yes!!!! Go, kings!!! Support each other!! Fuck the social taboo of men being platonically affectionate with each other and expressing emotions!!!!! I love you!

4:53 p.m.: I wish Mère would stop touching me, especially my butt. I know she's just being playful and it's innocent, but it makes me so uncomfortable. Mother did that all the time, too. But with Mother, I would always scream for her to stop "hitting" and hurting me and she'd get angry beause she wasn't "hitting" me. The worst was always when she touched/squeezed my butt, too, I hate that. But it should've been obvious to her it felt like hitting for me/was actually painful because of autism sensory issues and stop. But she didn't. And she'd call me slurs and say, "I'm your mother, I have every right to touch you if I fucking want." And it made me really upset.

I always want to cry. I don't like being touched. It hurts. I'm only OK with being touched by my partner, and then I'm really cuddly and never stop touching him in some way or I get really upset and scared. I'm such a crybaby. I cry a lot and I'm too sensitive and I hate that I'm sensitive. I don't want to care so much, but I do. I care a lot and everything hurts my feelings.

I hate that when I pull away when Mère touches me, she asks me what's wrong. Like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to be touched. Well, yes, there is, it's called AUTISM and my discomfort can easily be avoided by NOT INVADING MY PERSONAL SPACE. Even though I'm just writing it here, I feel guilty for feeling mad. I don't want to be mad at Mère, she's so sweet. But it makes me so uncomfortable and I just wish allistics respected me.

I want an autistic husband. That way, we can understand each other. But I also don't because I need a husband that can take care of my low-functioning self, and if he was autistic as well, he probably couldn't. But I can dream, I suppose. I'd like for him to infodump to me about all his special interests.

It's really hot outside... I'm dying from this heat! It's way too hot! WAY TOO HOT! It's 29°C but feels like 35°C according to The Weather Network. I'm not used to this. I want it to be winter again!!!! I want snow!!! For some reason, I am developing an obsession with snow and ice... I made a Tumblr blog for pictures of snow and ice... Usually I hate the winter. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Is cold weather becoming a special interest? Odd if so. It only happened in the past few days, after I had that nightmare on snow-covered mountains.

I forgot to write the other day that I went outside for a bit. It's beautiful outside. More flowers are blooming. And there's buttercups EVERYWHERE! I also saw a raccoon (? I think? It was hard to see because it was moving quickly) in the woods and there was the biggest bee I've EVER seen just happily jumping between the buttercups! I took some pictures, but I'm too lazy to post them right now. I'll share them later tonight.

I'm going to try my best to not drink tonight. I'll just get stoned instead. Weed is good. I love weed.

Oh, and I got back a while ago from town. We went to the grocery store. This trip made me angry. It seems the people around here have stopped caring about COVID-19. Just when I thought we as a society were finally beginning to realize immunocompromised and elderly people's lives aren't dispensable. But it was all just virtue signalling and a way for idiots to act like they're better than others, I suppose, because now no one cares. The grocery store, there was no lineup. Anyone could go in whenever, and so it was full of people. No one wore a mask, no one followed the arrows on the floor (they're to avoid bumping into people), and no one practiced social distancing. Even worse, one of the cashiers, who wasn't wearing a mask (none of the staff were), SNEEZED WITHOUT COVERING HER FACE AT HER CASH AND LAUGHED ABOUT IT. What a rotter!

There were these two grown women laughing at me for carrying Mimikyu. It was irritating, but I'm not too bothered. I'm mainly bothered at the idea they've definitely hurt others before for equally stupid reasons. A lot of women seem to have no hobbies other than bullying obviously autistic boys and men. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that if someone is carrying a stuffie in public, it's a comfort item. And, again, I'm not bothered much by it because I've experienced worse from better people, but it pisses me off imagining them doing that to another autistic boy or man and him feeling like he can no longer bring his comfort item with him and then he forces himself to suffer and have meltdowns without his comfort item. Some women are just... disgusting. If there's a man reading this, I love you. Don't base your worth off what women think of you. Live for yourself and no one else. You deserve to be happy. Don't be afraid of carrying your comfort item with you if you have one. Your safety and mental health are more important than people with no life mocking you.

I got some fruit, vegan (almond) yogurt, and granola. I'm going to make some of those American parfaits. I'm going to samefood them again. I love American parfaits. I love almonds, too. I'm beginning to samefood them again! I love almond milk, but almond milk is really sweet, so I have to get unsweetened. Even unsweetened is super sweet! I haven't tried almond yogurt before, but I bet I'll love it. I'm excited to try it!! I'll try it tomorrow morning.

I have MOOD SWINGS by Josh A on repeat. It's a stim, listening to the same music over and over again. This song is so sensory good. Josh's voice is so sensory good. I've been a fan of him and Jake Hill since 2018, and they've improved so much!!! I'm also really happy how far they've come in terms of popularity. I'm glad they're starting to get the recognition they deserve. Those two's music means a lot to me. I found them because a YouTuber I used to watch (BionicPIG) collabed with Josh. That song is Empty Bottles from the album Blessed III. Even though his older music is nowhere near as good in production or lyrics as it is now, I still love his older music and listen to it often. I'll probbably share some of his older stuff on the 'music' page later tonight.

Today has been a good day despite the annoying grocery store trip and how hot it is. I almost vomited this morning because of a hangover, but I didn't. It's weird. I never used to get hangovers, but a few months ago I started getting them and it sucks. Motivation to not drink as much, I suppose. That's probably a big reason I became an alcoholic, because I never got hangovers. I'd say I'm glad and proud I'm not an alcoholic anymore, but sadly, I'd be lying if I said that. I would still be an alcoholic if I still had a steady supply of alcohol and wasn't monitored as much. I honestly want to become an alcoholic again. Alcohol is lovely and makes the pain go away. Except for the times it doesn't and then I get more impulsive and try to kill myself because I'm too drunk to stop myself. Lol.

The Nether update is releasing in less than 24 hours and I'm SO EXCITED. Holy crap, I'm so exited!!!! I'm flapping my hands and hopping (when I stand up, not hopping right now since I'm sitting to write this). I want to CRY tears of JOY because I'm that excited!!!! I get really happy over my special interests. When I was 12, my special interest was Vocaloid, and on my birthday, Mother got me a Hatsune Miku cake and I started BAWLING because of how happy I was! I don't really like Vocaloid anymore, haven't for years. I think it's a cool concept and all the producers are skilled, but I'm just not interested in it anymore. It'd be cool to get back into it, though. I'd like to try making my own Vocaloid music one day. That was the last birthday I actually celebrated. I don't celebrate my birthday anymore. Mother may or may not wish me a happy birthday and that's it. I don't really care because now my birthday makes me anxious (I'm too old) and I just want to ignore it. My birthday is on the 2nd of September.

21st of June, 2020

8:49 p.m.: I love whisky... it makes me feel so warm... so cozy. I wanna build myself a blanket fort and snuggle a handsome man and watch horror movies while drinking whisky together. I drink whisky neat btw. I don't put ice or anything in it because that's gross. I used to hate beer but A got me to like the taste. Although it's not strong enough for me to drink usually, I drink to get drunk not for taste. Luckily whisky tastes AMAZING. My father was actually the one who got me to try whisky for the first time. I tried it for the first time when I was 16. I started drinking when I was 12? 13? 14? one of those, can't remember right now, but that was stuff other than whisky. Often vodka. I love alcohol so much. It makes all the pain go away. What would I do without you, alcohol? I want to marry alcohol. I'm not supposed to drink on any of my meds but especially my sleeping pills. They make it quicker to get drunk, though, so it's good for me. I used to mix lethal drug combos every day. Like I'd drink alcohol on a bunch of benzos and opioids/opiates. I often almost died and I overdosed constantly and I was blacked out most days but I'm still alive, so like. Hey, I'm invincible! And that fucking sucks :-D! I wish I was dead! Lol. But right now I'm feeling pretty good. I'm trying to work on another Tumblr theme but I don't think that's a good idea right now. I'll probably give up in a few minutes and watch some YouTube videos or play Minecraft.

8:46 p.m.: Happy father's day to every father except my own. Please adopt me. I want a good father.

4:06 p.m.: I accidentally broke my headphones last night. When I went to unplug them from my computer, I stupidly yanked it from the middle of the cord and now no sound comes through. Luckily I brought aother pair of headphones. But the thing is I brought two headphones for a reason! The one I broke had a cord, and the one I still have is wireless/Bluetooth. When the wireless one charges, I can't listen to anything, so that's why I brought the ones with the wire. And also the wireless ones are really uncomfortable despite having better audio quality. I can't wear them for long before they start to hurt my ears. But I'll put up with it. I know earphones are better for that, but I'm paranoid with how loud I play my music that it'll destroy my hearing, so I don't use them. Going deaf is a gigantic fear of mine. I don't mind going blind too much, but going deaf? Dear God, no! That's terrifying! I want to cry when I think about being deaf because I won't be able to listen to music and music is my favourite thing in the entire world. If I ever lost my hearing, I'd kill myself because all the joy in my life (music) would be gone. So, I'm very paranoid about losing my hearing.

I finally took a good look at the honey Mère buys. I've been using it while here, but I never bothered to read the bottle. It's different from what I get at home, it's called Naturoney. I searched it up and got excited because I thought maybe this is ethical honey, but after browsing the internet and their website, I can't tell. It doesn't go into detail about how they raise their bees. They do have codes on the bottles that you can enter on their website and see where the honey is from, though, which is cool. I just wish it'd tell you about how the specific beekeepers work. I want to know if they treat their bees well or not. I want to email them and ask, but I'm nervous because I've never contacted a company before. I know nothing bad will happen, but I'm scared I'll get in trouble for asking them about how they get their honey/keep their bees for some stupid reason. But it's the right thing to do, to ask and make sure if I should continue consuming this honey or not. So, I will have to summon the courage to do that later. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

20th of June, 2020

9:09 p.m.: Um. So, I'm drinking tonight. I poured myself some whisky. I wasn't strong enough to resist. But just one night of drinking won't hurt. I won't become an alcoholic again. But I'm planning on drinking tomorrow, too, so. Well, two nights is worse than one night, but two nights is still not bad. Tomorrow will be my last drink until I go home. I won't touch alcohol again. I swear on my life. That doesn't really mean anything, I'd swear on my life that unicorns exist because I want to die so badly. But, I think it's obvious what I mean. I promise to whoever might be reading this that I will not drink overmorrow. If I do, I will post the address I'm currently located and you have to come beat me up. You are legally obligated to do that if I drink overmorrow, OK? OK. Thanks. (Don't worry, I won't press charges.)

8:13 p.m.: I suddenly feel so terrible and I don't know why. I am taking my medications, they are supposed to prevent this. So why? I do not understand. I don't want to let her down, but at this rate, I will. I'm sorry in advance, Gra-mère. Tonight I think is going to be very bad. I'll try not to do anything bad but I don't think I'll be able to be good if I continue feeling this way for any amount longer. Hopefully I can sleep through it.

I know what made me feel terrible now and I should've taken steps to avoid this, what made me upset. I'm embarrassed to write here what it was. Why do I care? I shouldn't. It doesn't usually bother me. I want to kill myself. I was enraged for a few seconds at first, but then I got insecure. Because it's true. They're not wrong.

I wish you were still here. I need you right now. I'm fucking crazy. Please talk to me. I'm so confused and sad that you never talk to me. Why can I hear others but not you? Do you hate me that much? No, I'm just crazy. I hallucinate everything. You probably never even existed. Fuck you. I don't actually mean that, I still love you. But fuck you for not talking to me. That's the least you could do after leaving me here to suffer on my own. Least you could do for breaking our fucking promise. I thought we were going to live in a shitty rundown bus together. What happened to that? Was I not enough? Or was I too much? I always ask these questions but you never fucking answer me. Fuck you. I love you and I miss you and I wish you were still alive. I'm crying. I'm not actually angry at you. I'm angry at myself and usually I blame myself which I should because I deserve to feel guilty because I AM GUILTY. But sometimes, like just then, I blame you to cope. And that makes me feel even guiltier. Which it should. Sorry about that.

Ugh. Olfactory hallucinating at the moment, I think. All of a sudden, I smelt this strange smell and my vision went black for a split second and my head dropped back. I keep smelling it sometimes. If I had to describe it... skunk. Wait, is it weed? It kind of smells like weed and cigarettes. That's what A used to smell like. Funny timing. Or maybe I'm hallucinating this smell because I was writing/thinking about him. That's highly likely. I say "funny" but it's not really. I haven't laughed in a long time. I wish I could laugh. I need a good laugh. But I can't. Nothing is funny to me anymore. Wait, I do know something that makes me laugh. It's a YouTube channel. I'm going to go watch them and maybe I'll feel better. OH CRAP, THAT'S RIGHT! They're premiering a video tonight. I need to watch that!!!! Okay, I'm done this entry now. Bunny is losing her mind over there on the boxspring, she's binkying and running around. I need to play with her. I can't not play with her when she is energetic or I feel guilty. Plus, I think it'd be good for me to play with her right now. It'd make me feel better. Okay, I'm done.

1:27 p.m.: So, I finally had "breakfast". I suppose it's lunch by now? But! I had this fig marmalade, I've never tried fig marmalade before. Holy crap, it's SO GOOD! It's incredibly sweet. Dare I say, almost too sweet! And that's a lot coming from Lucius, trust me.

Apparently Ca is at the grocery store. I wish I went up earlier so I could ask her to get me some specific things. But whatever, I'll be fine. She should be back soon.

I made another design, this one was inspired by Bunny. It's daisy-themed (the flower, since that's her name). It's not as simple as the other ones I've posted so far, but it's still simple. It's hard on the eyes because of the yellow and white, but since people can customize it, they can change that themselves. I'll post it later.

I've been neglecting my Listography lately. I started doing a thing where every month I make a list of positives from every single day. I've skipped a few days. I will start again later today.

I'm so excited for 1.16. I know I say that often, but it's true!!! That's why I say it a lot! I have a lot of plans after the update is released. I LOVE blackstone, so I'm going to replace all the cobblestone in my village with blackstone. I also plan on changing all the wood in the village to purple concrete because I think blackstone and purple concrete looks lovely. But today, I got another idea of what to do with blackstone! I'M GOING TO MAKE A VOLCANO!!! Since it'll be in my survival world, it'll take a long time, but I'm excited! It'd be super cool to have a volcano in my world. Minecraft should add volcanoes. I think that'd be awesome.

7:03 a.m.: We finally slept somewhat well. I had a nightmare and something happened, but other than that, it was a better sleep than the past few days. I've been sitting here petting Bunny for the past ten minutes, and now that I moved my hand to type, she's licking my legs to try and get me to pet her again. She's so cute. I actually woke up twice. Once from the nightmare, and once from Bunny. Bunny tried to go behind the bed but she got stuck, so she was kicking her legs against the wall trying to get out, and it woke me up. I instantly panicked and rushed over to her thinking she was hurt. I pulled the bed out and she ran back out. She was fine, luckily. I made sure to push the bed as close to the wall as I can so this doesn't happen again. I don't want Bunny to be hurt. I try my best to take care of her. I think I take care of her well. She's freeroam (not trapped in a cage), has lots of toys, and gets yummy salads daily. Since she doesn't have a bunny friend, I spend lots of time with her to make sure she's not lonely. I'm nearly always with her except if I go out, and then she's alone for a few hours at most. I do put her in a cage when I go out, but only then. I do it because if she hurts herself, I'm not there to help her. At home, she slept on my bed with me so she didn't get lonely. I'd wake up to her licking my cheek. She's very comfortable with me and flops down beside me and jumps up on my lap trying to get on my shoulder. I think she's happy and that makes me happy.

She does have a name, by the way. I just like to call her Bunny because I think it's cute. Her actual name is Daisy.

I'm going to play Stardew Valley after I finish this entry. I'm trying to get Mother to get Stardew Valley. I think she'll love it. I showed her some of my game. I showed her my husband, Elliott, and it made me a bit nervous. I'm not sure why. Mother knows I'm gay already and is fine with it, but it still made me anxious for some reason. That was a few days ago now. I asked if she got it yet and she said she forgot. I'll remind her today. Now, I'm off to play it myself!

19th of June, 2020

10:20 p.m.: Oh, I forgot! I finally got Amnesia last night. So much nostalgia!! I also got the Isle of Armor yesterday. And 1.16 is releasing on the 23rd!!! There's so many games I want to play all at once, my head is spinning. I guess I should play Minecraft more than the others because I need to finish preparing my world for the Nether update. I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I got my obsidian for my portal an hour ago. I'm not entering the Nether until 1.16 is out since I want the new biomes right away. I don't want to have to walk forever to find them. I got a whole bunch of gold, too! I'm so excited for this update. I want to flap my hands!!! but I can't since I'm warming up the needle and medication right now I forgot to do my injection a few hours ago. so I have to keep my arms close to my body and stiff to warm them up (you put them in your armpits to warm them). It makes it hard to type, too, so that's why there's probably more typos than usual in this entry.

I am working on another page design. This one is Pumpkaboo-themed!!! I called it Pumpgrid because the background is a pastel orange grid and I like silly puns. It's almost done. I'll probably share it tonight. I also want to work on another Tumblr theme. For the Tumblr themes, they look a lot different in the previews/images since Tumblr has a lot of customization options and I pick random ones for the previews. I want to make a header theme, one for my blog, 6urial. I like header themes.

9:01 p.m.: I wish you'd just stop breathing already. All you do is hurt others. The world would be better off without an abuser like you. Stop whining because you're not the victim. You never were and someone as sociopathic as you can never be a victim. Whatever happens to you, you deserve it. Rot in Hell.

Hi! Hello. I didn't want to rant anymore, but I think I'll leave that here because writing that did calm me down. The only thing worse than human abusers (not including rapists/sexual abusers) are animal abusers. Animals are innocent. People are not, so a lot of people do deserve to suffer. But animals? No. No, animals are completely innocent. Yes, they do bad things sometimes, but they don't understand. They don't understand, unlike humans. We're the only species that got this powerful and have this high level of conciousness but still do bad things. We're the only species that know what we're doing is wrong, but do it anyway. So anyone that has EVER hurt an animal on purpose deserves to rot in Hell. They deserve to suffer eternally. I have no sympathy whatsoever for those people and if it wasn't for these stupid psychopath-supporting laws, I would torture every animal abuser. But I don't want to go to jail, so I won't. Instead, I'll just rant about it on here and sob as I think of all these innocent animals that humans harm. I like ALF, the Animal Liberation Front. If it weren't for the fact I'm disabled and am too afraid of jail, I'd join. I'd love to save animals and burn down animal abusers' property. Everyone that's part of ALF, I admire them. They're heroes in my eyes. They sacrifice their freedom to save animals. They have the purest of hearts. I don't understand why they're so stigmatized. They don't destroy the property of anyone but evil animal abusers, and while I personally don't care, I know a lot of people do, so I should mention they don't harm humans either. They just harm property to make the animal abusers lose money and stop abusing animals. It really says a lot about a person if they're against ALF.

I've been thinking of going vegan, not just vegetarian anymore. But honey is what makes me hesitate. The only animal product I eat is honey. I'm kind of caught between two different mindsets here. One is that it's fine to eat honey as long as they're from an ethical beekeeper, but the other is that it's not fine. I recently learnt about honey. I always thought honey was always ethical, but I learnt more about it and realized the honey I often get is not ethical at all. The beekeepers who make the honey on the grocery store shelf, they treat their bees terribly. It's basically a factory farm. And I know people will laugh because they don't think insects are animals, but they are, both technically and spiritually. They are just as important and worth happiness as any other animal. I always get sick to my stomach when I read about the artificial insemination of animals, and I read that when I was learning about honey. They do that to bees, too. I know animals don't respond in the same way a human would with forced insemintation, but it still makes me sick and it's disturbing to know there's humans that can do that to any creature at all. You have to be a genine psychopath to not feel disturbed by it, that's my honest opinion. And apparently the way they do that to bees is especially cruel and painful for the bee... It makes me want to cry. I just want animals to be happy. It disturbs me to know that I've eaten honey that was farmed in this way, and that I also used to eat meat. I wish I could erase all that. I feel so guilty. But I can't change that, so all I can do is change for the better now. I can change what I consume. And although I know that I cannot stop an already-living animal from getting tortured, I am happy that I can stop another animal from being born to suffer the same fate. That's better than nothing at all.

I love animals. They make me so happy and I want them to be happy.

I'm caught on how I feel about meat-eaters. I used to be one for a few years, so I guess I can kind of understand. But the thing is, I was young then, and then I educated myself and stopped. And a lot of meat-eaters are adults who already know about veganism. I am completely OK with meat-eaters who eat meat from "ethical" meat farms. I wouldn't, and I hope one day they will stop entirely, but I respect them for making the decision to try and be as ethical as they can with consuming meat. But for those who know about veganism but buy from factory farms, it's hard for me to be respectful. But I want to be respectful, because being disrespectful has never made someone consider your side. It justs makes them get defensive and furthers the beliefs they already have. I'm trying to understand that most of those people are not evil, but they just don't truly understand factory farms. Sure, maybe they have heard something in passing or have a vegan friend, or have read an article or two on factory farms, but that doesn't mean they truly understand. It's hard for something like that to sink in. It doesn't feel real, it feels too unbelievably cruel to be real. And even though I'm vegetarian, I often am bewildered by what goes on in factory farms. I also have a hard time understanding people actually do those terrible things. I don't understand how people can be that cruel and how normalized and large the industry is. So, that's probably why a lot of people still eat meat when they know about veganism, because it just hasn't sunk in yet that it's actually happening and they're supporting it. Or they feel too guilty but hesitant to change (which I understand as an autistic), so they distract themselves from it. I hope that one day it will sink in and/or they stop distracting themselves. I try to keep my beliefs on this to myself when I'm talking with others. I wouldn't suddenly start screaming or arguing with someone eating meat. I'll just keep quiet, and if they want to have a discussion, we can talk about it respectfully. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't sometimes want to argue or yell at someone for eating meat. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't sometimes think meat-eaters are bad people. I'm not perfect. But I will try to remind myself of what I wrote in this paragraph, that being respectful and patient is the right thing and I always need to resist the negativity my brain sometimes makes me feel.

I don't like it when people act like being mean or not caring is cool. Go to therapy and stop being toxic. The only people you should be mean to are mean people.

10:15 a.m.: I doubt it. I doubt that. I wrote that to tell you. I'm upset with myself right now. Really upset. I'm so angry. Another time where I want to possess someone so I can beat myself to death. I think I will never be able to get all my anger at myself out unless I watch myself die miserably. I just sat here for ten minute staring at the sreen s wondering why nothing was writing. Neocities has been really slow for me lately, the editor, so I thought it was just that. But then I accidentally hit my keyboard and realized I didn't type anything. OK. I feel physically sick. I choked again this morning and Ca noticed and right away ran up to me worried I was dying. Ugh, I wish. I was fine, though. I'm listening to the songs I used to listen to with A. I want to overdose. All the music makes me want to overdose again. I remember the hospital room and sitting on the window sill at night listening to Lil Peep and X because A just died then and we listened to them together every night. And it was really calming to just sit there and watch the stars and all the cars in the dark. I want to overdose but I'm not going to because I need to live for Mère et Bunny. Oh, look at that. Mère et Père, now I say Mère et Bunny. I guess the 'et' will stay. I want to die. I'm not going to do anything, I'm strong enough to make it through today. And hopefully tomorrow, too. But I want to relapse. I think I'm going to relapse today. I want to vomit. I want to vomit and I want to blackout and I want to cut. I want to go jump off a bridge like her or get high and steal a car and drive into a tree or off a cliff and into the ocean where all the puffins are. I want to die seeing puffins. They're super cute. I love puffins :-)

I want to go outside and run away. Why? I don't know why I want to do that. I like it here, at Mère's. My brain is just broken, that's all. I have urges to do stupid things nearly every second of the day and I'm super lucky I have good control over resisting the urges. I'm a very boring person despite all the things going on in my brain. I don't do much and I'm always alone. I don't get into drama or do anything exciting. I don't show much emotion in real life because of flat affect. I do show a lot of emotion when I'm infodumping though, then I'm the happiest person in the world. Oh Go, I'm probably going to vomit soon. That's fun.

Minecraft 1.16 release date was announced and I came here to write about how excited I am but I'm feeling bad right now. OK, I'm going to go vomit probably. Then cut. Then sob.

I'm not real. Feeling very ghostly. I always am, but it's strong right now, the knowledge I am a ghost. That's why I'm so messed up. That's why I can't cry right now even though I know I need to. Feeling disconnect from everything, because I am. I'm not supposed to be here. Well, I am, but I don't want to be here. God put my ghost self back here as punishment, so it's intentional, I am supposed to be here. I haven't slept yet. I should probably do that.

18th of June, 2020

9:13 p.m.: I just realized I used to have hyper-empathy for living humans when I was younger, probably until I was about 12 years old. I'm not sure why that hyper-empathy changed to the other extreme, low empathy. I also don't know why it happened so suddenly. If I had to guess, I'd assume it was because of my homelife. Even though everyone hurt me, I tried my best to make others happy and make them be nice to me. But that never worked. Usually, it only made things worse. So, maybe that's why I stopped caring about living humans. Maybe it was a self-defense mechanism.

Little Lucius used to stand up for others whenever he saw something he thought was unfair or mean. It didn't matter how petty it was, or if others even noticed something was wrong with what was happening, I would stand up anyway and call it out. I got in trouble for it a lot. I got called slurs a lot for doing that. I was always scared, I was diagnosed with multiple severe anxiety disorders, and I'd never stand up for myself, but I'd throw my safety away to help others. I also remember that whenever I talked to anyone on the phone (which was only Mother or Mère), I felt too guilty to hang up. But I also would feel hurt if someone hung up on me. So, what we'd do, is we'd count down from 3, and then hang up at the same time. I was real adamant about that. I never hung up the phone without doing that.

I wish I was still like that. I wish I could still care about living people other than a select few. I wish I stood up again. I wish I was still that selfless. Those traits, I admire them. I want them back, but I don't think it's possible now with all the mental health issues and trauma. I'm a bad person and I will remain like this forever. My soul is filthy and stained. I can't clean it. Only God can, but even God is repulsed by how filthy I am. I cannot be saved.

I want to get drunk. I don't know why. I need to get drunk. But I'm not going to because I need to stay sober. I've been doing so well at avoiding drinking. I'll just trip tonight instead. Tripping is way better than alcohol. Alcohol is dangerous. But that's why I want to drink, because it's dangerous. I love hurting myself. I love knowing that I'm destroying my body and my brain. I deserve it. Aha, that's why I always laugh when someone says something stupid like, "Smoking is bad for your health!" Yes, that's the entire fucking point, idiot. And also if you understand it only harms the person doing drugs, why do you stigmatize them? Why do you make them feel so shitty that they do more and more to cope and can't get help because of stigma? I want to punch something in the good way. I suddenly became full of energy. I think it's the music I'm listening to. I'm listening to myjaw(+teeth)hurt by daniels gone. I meant to post it on the music page a while ago, but kept forgetting. I'll do that now.

5:03 p.m.: I slept for a bit. I decided I'm just going to make a page on here to dump all of the silly designs I make when I'm bored. Anyone can use them, I don't care, but they won't be very good or user-friendly. That way I don't just delete them after I spend a few hours on it. I think I'll post some Tumblr themes too. I used to make Tumblr themes, some of them took off. I wanted to start making them again, but I don't want to post them to Tumblr because doing that gets you a bunch of attention from online abusers who'll cancel you because you don't like dogs or some stupid crap like that. So, if I post them here, it won't get me that attention.

9:22 a.m.: I think I'm delirious because 10 minutes later and I'm still feeling bad but I'm laughing so hard at remembering nyan cat. We should bring nyan cat back. And lolcats. Lolcats still make me laugh because I haven't mentally matured past the age of 6 and I do genuinely believe lolcats are some of the only good memes. I love animals puns. Any positive animal thing makes me stupidly happy. Anyway, I decided I'm just going to create a very fancy Discord server for myself. Only for myself because I have no friends LOL. I'm just going to use it to play with bots because I'm this bored. If someone wants to add me and just screw around with bots with me because you're bored, feel free to. It'd make me happy. All I ask is you say you found me from Neocities once I add you or I'll think you're a bot or troll or something. Two people have reached out to me on Discord before from here but the conversations stopped quickly because I thought they didn't want to talk, so also let me know if you don't want to talk or I'll just stop because I'm worried you're being a doormat and I'm actually bothering you. And if either of those two people are reading this (I doubt it because this was a somewhat-long time ago), sorry if you did want to talk, I'm just paranoid. You can always message me again if you want.

I feel like my brain is MELTING and not in the good way. My entire face feels like it's melting in the bad way. Is this what Hell feels like. I'm sober right now I don't know why I feel so out of it. I feel like I'm on autopilot and my hands are just another person'sI don't feel like it's me writing any of this. I feel out of body. But I know I'm not. I'm thinking and I know that but it's like there's this weird soft squishy barrier between my concious and subconcious and it's all just really squishy but not in a good comfortable way. OH, I KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT! You know what being waterboarded feels like? Well, I feel like I'm being mentally waterboarded. I feel like my thoughts are being waterboarded. IT'S SO WEIRD. Holy crap, I just realized I sound a lot like A right now. Cool. Anyway, I'm going to go make that Discord server now. My Discord is lucius#1984. Again, feel free to add me on there and ask to join this stupid bot server if you'd like or just if you want to talk in DMs that's fine. If you join the server we could share music using the music bot, though, which is really fun in my opinion. I love sharing music with others. I love to hear other people's favourite music and I like to show them mine in return. I promise I won't type this weirdly to you I just don't have anyone to please on this site so I can write whatever weird things I feel like here no matter how uncomfortable it makes someone because I'm talking to this void and it has its own smell. It smells like roses and ashes. OK, bye now.

9:12 a.m.: I'm restless. I haven't slept yet. I want to sleep, but I can't. I really want to draw, but I'm back to forgetting how to draw, and it's making me upset. So I tried playing Minecraft and Pokémon, but I can't keep my attention on it. I keep dozing off, but I still can't sleep!!!! So, I've been messing around with coding some, but it's frustrating that I don't know what to code and that I have nothing to do with it. Like, I can't upload the pages here because they take up too much space. I just want to sleep but I CAN'T and there's nothing I can do to distract myself I AM SO BORED and I am becoming VERY SAD and today has started off bad. I want to cry. I'm so stressed. Why is my brain so broken?

17th of June, 2020

10:43 p.m.: I think the Neocities trend of those button things are cool and I'd like to make one, but I also don't. They don't seem as much as a fun, light-hearted collection thing as they do some clique drama. That's also part of the reason I still don't follow people. I hate it when people act like it's a personal attack you don't follow them or unfollow them. All that guilt-tripping over pointless pixels, it's literally just online emotional abusers, anyone who does that. I don't want to get involved with that crap anymore. I'm almost an adult. Oh, and that's another reason! If I made a button, I'd be worried about children putting my button on their site or people with family-friendly sites that children visit. I want this site to be for 17+ (I'd say 18+ but that's a bit weird since I'm not 18 yet) because of all the topics I talk about here along with the fact I hate children. I'd never post pornography or something like that, but I talk about way too many depressing things and also inappropriate gay things for children to view safely. But it sucks because I really like the idea of creating a custom button and collecting them like Pokémon cards. I've always loved collecting things. I like organizing things, that's part of the reason I love collecting stuff. I love Listography because I love making lists, yes, but I also love that it's basically a virtual collection! A virtual collection that takes up no space on my computer, is free, and is endless! Because there's no limit to how many lists I can make. It's not like collecting merchandise where one day there will be nothing to collect since it's limited.

Speaking of collections, I am trying to make a Mimikyu collection. But that's difficult since most Mimikyu merch are not common. And when you do find some, it's only able to be bought in Japan or you have to pay a ridiculous amount for it to ship to here. It sucks because I really want everything from Mimikkyu's Night Camp Ichiban Kuji collection. If you know what Ichiban Kuji is, you'd probably understand why that's difficult, especially when you live across the world from Japan. I'm not one for gambling. I know it's sure-win, but still.

Speaking of gambling, I learnt a lot of gambling is illegal almost everywhere in the United States of America? That's so strange. It's legal everywhere here. There's a casino right out in the town by Mère's (it's strange to just say Mère now instead of Mère et Père). I've been there before. Not to gamble, but I went with Mother to wait for my sister when the concert she was at was ending. It was a Three Days Grace concert. The casino has a lot of concerts. I also learnt the drinking age there is 21??? That's INSANE! America sure does have some weird laws. It's 18 in some parts of Canada, but 19 in this province. Not that I care. I started drinking when I was 13. Or was it 14? I don't know anymore. Alcohol has rotted my brain, I'm sure whoever is reading this can tell. Speaking of, I haven't drank in about two weeks. I might drink tonight because talking about drinking is making me want to drink... It was hard to not drink when Al and Sh were over. They drink wine constantly and always bring a bunch of wine. It took all my strength to stay sober when they were here. Whisky is my favourite, but I'll drink wine sometimes. Usually when I'm desperate. And I'll just drink an entire bottle because pouring out glasses of wine is silly in my opinion since you need AT LEAST an entire bottle to get somewhat drunk. My tolerance for alcohol, I'm not sure how it is. I don't really know proper drinking sizes. I just drink and drink until I'm no longer sad and then often more and then I get alcohol poisoning and throw up a bunch and pass out in my vomit and almost die from suffocating in my vomit in my sleep. I used to get alcohol poisoning constantly. But I don't anymore since I've stopped drinking as much. My benzo tolerance is crazy high. The thing with benzos is that often your tolerance level won't go away after a break. It stays that way for life with how much it screws up your brain. Benzos are hard as hell. Be careful if you're trying them, educate yourself on harm-reduction ALWAYS before you take any recreational drug. One of the only drugs along with alcohol that has withdrawals so bad it can kill you. I miss benzos. I want to become a bartard again even though that messed up my life greatly. I probably will go back to being a bartard soon.

I didn't draw. I got distracted. I don't remember what I got distracted with. Missing time, again. I just have these blackouts, gaps of memory, even though I'm sober. I should go draw now. I want to draw. Oh, wait, I did draw! I just looked beside me and my sketchbook is here, there's a drawing I was working on before I wrote this. Huh, I really do have some severe brain damage, don't I? Well, I'm off to draw!

8:49 p.m.: Oh, shoot! I forgot to explain why I'm feeling "screw Spotify" today. Well, when I opened up Spotify today, the first thing I saw was a big banner advertisement for "Tiktok songs". And that pissed me off because Tiktok is GENUINELY HARMFUL. I don't like to rant here about things like this anymore, but I think it's kind of important, so I'll explain why Tiktok is harmful. Well, for starters, it's basically run by the Chinese Communist Party (that should be obvious for anyone who knows about the CCP, but here's an article), so you're supporting all the horrors they inflict on "their" people. Then there's the fact that when a 19-year-old man live-streamed his suicide on the app, they didn't notify the police or his relatives for nearly three hours. What were they doing for those hours? Were they aware? Oh, yes, they were! They were too busy writing their PR speech. Here and here are some articles about that. They also deliberately hide anyone they think "looks" LGBT, disabled, or ugly. In short, Tiktok is genuinely harmful. It's not a "cute, fun, light-hearted" app. And that's why I got so upset to see that Spotify banner.

But I will still use Spotify anyway because my family has a Spotify premimum family plan and some of the artists I listen to only share their music on there. I wish I was strict enough to stop using it, but I'm not. So I'll just be hypocritical in this regard.

Anyway, back to drawing!

7:49 p.m.: Hi! The mood today is "holy crap I love men" (but when is it not?) and SCREW SPOTIFY. But other than the "screw spotify" thing, I'm feeling good today. I woke up late. You did! Yes, I did. I woke up at arond 3 p.m. Now, that's not too late for me at home where I stay awake for 3-4 days and then finally sleep an entire day and wake up at 7 p.m., but over here, yes, it is late. I need to have a somewhat-normal sleep schedule to not worry Mère. But today has gone well so far. A person on here, Neocities, called Mil commented something nice, which made me happy. Hello if you're reading this! Thanks for the comment. Isle of Armour released today, so that's good as well. With SwSh, I only have Shield, but I want Sword as well. I chose Shield because of Allister. When he was first announced, I had a good laugh because he's so much like me. So much like me that I thought the person who created him saw me and was inspired. We're basically twins. Ghost-type, talks with the dead, looks like a "creepy" child, quiet, hides our faces, black-and-purple, same posture (it's related to autism for me, I move in "abnormal" ways), and now we have the same hair since mine hasn't been cut in a long time. It's funny to me. Probably to me only.

Some times I want to change this site again even though I promised myself I wouldn't. Talking about Pokémon reminded me of that because I've wanted to make this site Mimikyu-themed. Or Chandelure-themed since I already have a Mimikyu shrine. I want to make a bunch of shrines, but I'm trying not to for space reasons. I used to have all the images on my site hotlinked from Imgur, but then I learnt Imgur doesn't allow hotlinking... It was such a surprise because I always believed that's what Imgur was for!!! To host and hotlink images! But apparently it's now just a social media. Imgur is silly. Eh, not really, they can do whatever. I still think they're silly. That's fine. So, yes, I've been working on uploading all the images myself. That's what the past updates on the graphics page have been. Everything I've now uploaded myself except for some stuff still left on the graphics page. It's time-consuming and draining, so that's why it's taking forever. And hosting images myself take up a lot of space on here, I've learnt, so... I want to be a Neocities Supporter, but I don't make money, so I can't. That's why I can't make all the shrines I want!

I'm also leaning towards Chandelure instead of Mimikyu because the colours are my favourite, purple and black. I miss when this site used to be black-and-purple, I'd like to make it that way again. Maybe I will make it Chandelure-themed, I'm not sure. But if I do, I'd just change the sidebar image and colours, not the layout.

Oh, and I posted back in March my favourite Pokémon in order from most to least favourite, but it's changed now. Only really the order changed, but some were added. Here's the old one: Mimikyu, Noibat, Phantump, Chandelure, Marshadow. The new one is: Mimikyu (obviously this will never change), Chandelure, Phantump, Pumpkaboo, Noibat/noivern, Drifblim, and Marshadow.

Oh, I just realized I could keep the same colours and just change the sidebar image to Mimikyu from the manga. Maybe I'll do that! Do it! Okay, I'll do it later tonight.

I'm going to go draw now.

16th of June, 2020

8:43 p.m.: I'm feeling a lot better now. Ate some kimchi, it was yummy. Dyed my hair again. My hair is so long now, it's driving me crazy.

I edited out my face with the imp emoji on the first one before realizing I already showed my face here before. So, whatever. There's one with my face. I'm an actual being, believe it or not. I exist in reality. I'm not just words on a screen!

I look emo with this hair but I'm not :'-( I'm a trad goth, not emo!

Speaking of trad goth, Sh asked me for music recommendations. So, I gave him some. He said we should write a song together. It came up when I was talking about my piano. I'd love to make a song with him, that'd be fun. Sh is super cool. I recommended a bunch of musical artists, including Igorrr and Merzbow because I wanted to let him know what he was getting into. My music taste is everywhere. But that's a good thing! It's good to love many genres. I think limiting yourself to a few genres is sad. There's so much lovely music out there waiting for you to discover!

The kimchi, I know I mentioned it earlier, but I want to talk more about it. It's yummy! A few hours later and it was much spicier than in the morning! Happy Lucius! Sh, Al, and Ca all tried it, too, and they loved it. I'm glad! Sh said he wants to try making his own at home. I hope he does! Kimchi makes life better, I believe that.

I'm currently waiting for it to become night in-game. I'm going to evolve a Matcha Cream Alcremie. I want all Acremies!!! Matcha Cream is obviously my favourite one :-) I love matcha (that's why I have the shrine!). And yes, I finally got started on that shrine last night. I may or may not finish it tonight, depends.

Anyway, I'm going to go eat some more berries and pet Bunny. I'll share some berries with her, too! I love sharing my fruits and vegetables with Bunny, it makes me happy.

12:35 p.m.: I'm not feeling so good.

I haven't slept still.

I tried some of the kimchi this morning. I decided to leave it ferment for longer. I think a few more hours and it'll be good. It wasn't spicy enough for me, so I want to leave it for a bit to get spicier. I'll try it again at around 2 p.m.

I hugged Mère this morning because she was crying a lot. My aunt and uncle are leaving tomorrow. My other aunt, Ca, I think she's staying, though. The nurse is coming over today.

I'm sad because I feel so pathetic. I wish there was something I was good at. I wish I had a friend. I'm good at not being good at anything, I suppose. That doesn't make me feel any better, though.

I almost choked to death on toast this morning. That was fun. I don't even really know what happened. I had to run downstairs because I didn't want to worry Mère with my coughing and involuntary tears/eyes watering.

Wrote another rant. And another one. And another one. They've all been deleted before posting. I'm not in a good mood right now. I don't want today to be a bad day. I want it to be a good one. I feel so guilty for feeling this bad today since I've been doing so well lately. But why am I guilty? Why do I feel that way? It's not like I have anyone to make proud. I try so hard just to make it to the next day and no one ever says they're proud of me and recognizes my effort. They always just say I'm not trying and choosing to be this way. I choose to be autistic, I choose to be schizophrenic, and I choose to be depressed. Why can't someone be proud of me? I've always wanted someone to be proud of me and it hurts so much to continously do my best despite all my mental and physical issues and have no one acknowledge it. I'm going to stop now and just leave a lyric that has stuck with me for years and relate to intensely, and it relates to what I'm talking about, too. I've always been terrible at explaining how I feel. I think I overthink it. But this lyric, it's so blunt and seems so easy to say, yet I can't say it. So he says it for me. He puts it into words for me. It's from The Cold by Phora.

Do you know what it feels like to put a gun to your head / But ain't nobody saying, "Don't do it"

15th of June, 2020

10:14 p.m.: Hi! Hello, Mimikyu. I'm not talking to you! It was a joke. I know it's not a good one.

I noticed my medications are finally working!! I'm a lot happier now. But I know that a big part of it is being here. My situation at home makes it so that even with my medications, I'm miserable. But I'm happy that I'm happier now! Mimikyu talks a lot more to me now, too. I do! And that's proof Mimikyu is real. Because if he wasn't, he'd disappear when I'm on my antipsychotics. But he doesn't :-) He becomes clearer when I'm not sad all the time! Did you think I'm not real? And to that I say, no! I always knew you were real. I know that nobody else believes me, though. And that's OK, I guess. Nobody else needs to know because it's not like Mimikyu talks to them. Bringing it up just causes unnecessary drama, especially since Soil. Mother found my old journal where I wrote about all the bad things Soil was telling me to do. I ended up getting better and I burnt that rag doll. Mimikyu is not like Soil. He doesn't try to get me to hurt anyone, he doesn't even try to get me to hurt myself! He's so positive, he makes me laugh and smile throughout the day with all his silly interjections(?). He alwaus tells me to look through a more positive perspective on things I usually view negatively. So, he's really good for me!

I do know that they think it's weird I bring Mimikyu everywhere, though. Probably also think it's strange I put him on his own chair when I eat at the table and look at him every now and then like he's talking (because he is). Mimikyu doesn't speak out loud. He talks to me telepathically. I know some times he will speak out loud, though. Just hasn't happened yet. I know it's him talking because... it's hard to explain, but you can just tell. Same way I speak to the dead. They feel different. They often have different voices in my head, too, or they have none at all. It's really interesting. I'm not sure how you do it. It just kind of happens. I personally believe I'm one of the only people that can genuinely communicate with the dead. I do think I'm special in that regard. The only way I think I'm special. It's because I'm so close to Death; the psychopomp is my friend. I spend so much time caring for the dead, I feel like Death's (the psychopomp) apprentice in a way. It's only natural, I think.

I don't like talking much about what the dead say because it upsets people and causes drama. And often, there's no point in sharing it. We mainly just talk about the cemetery, talk about plans on cleaning the headstones and stuff. Not stuff anyone really needs to know.

So, since I wrote earlier, it's still been a good day. We had some cherries. They were starting to get bad, so I had to go through them all and throw out all the bad ones. I ate the good ones. There's not many left. Cherries are my favourite fruit!

I talked with Sh again. I was playing Pokémon and he asked about it, so I told him about it. I told him about Mimikyu! He said he liked the backstory of Mimikyu. Then he brought up Lenore by Roman Dirge. He said Mimikyu reminded him of Lenore's art style, so that's why he brought it up. He recommended I read it. I've heard of it before, I always thought the art style was really cute! So, I will now finally get around to reading it. I believe it's at the big bookstore around here, so I'll check when that's open. He also recommended Edward Gorey. I never heard of him before, but he showed me one of his books (The Gashlycrumb Tinies) and I LOVED it. His art is GORGEOUS! I'll look more into both Roman Dirge and Edward Gorey tomorrow.

But now it's time to go share music on the music page!

6:24 p.m.: I've been trying to work on being more patient and understanding, but I don't think that has been working out too well. I still hold strong beliefs, as shown above. Well, I deleted those paragraphs now, so no one will see them when I post this. It was probably best I deleted that. I need to stop focusing so much on things that upset me. It's fine if something is actually harmful and I can do something about it, but ranting about people's idiotic opinions on here isn't helping anyone. It's not changing anyone's mind and it's not making me happy. It just pisses me off and makes me hate the world and sink back into a bad place. It's real pathetic.

Despite starting this entry off with a now-deleted rant, today has been good. I just got out of the shower, so my hair's damp. It's really long now, I notice when it's wet. It's down to around my shoulders now. If it wasn't for the fact it breaks my routine and bothers my sensory issues, I'd probably grow out my hair. Long hair is gorgeous. But once I can get my hair cut again, I'm going to do that. I want a husband with long hair that I can play with. Playing with hair is relaxing. I prefer people playing with my hair, but I love to play with my S/O's, too. Braiding long hair, that's a stim! The repetitive movements and how soft the hair is, it's sensory good.

I don't know who it is, but I think it's a distant relative, she came over to see Mère. She came the day Père died. This time, she brought a bunch of food. Apparently she made lasagna. I personally don't eat that, but I'm sure Mère is happy! She also brought A TON of strawberries and blackberries... Now, I eat that! I eat so much fruit, I should probably just call myself a frugivore LOL. I love fruits (and vegetables) so much!!! I also love honey a lot. If it wasn't for honey, I'd go vegan. But I love honey way too much. I love bees. Every time I go outside and see a bee, it makes my day. They're such amazing little guys!!!!! I love them with all my heart!!! IF THERE'S A BEE READING THIS, I LOVE YOU!! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK FOR THE PLANET!!!

Today, I overheard them talking about Mère's needles. Apparently she can't do them herself, Père used to do them for her. So she was on the phone, they said they can teach someone to do her needles for her. But nobody is going to live here except Mère, so... that wouldn't make much sense. Then they jokingly asked me if I could do it. I said, "Yes, obviously, I do my own injections and I'm not afraid of needles." I pointed out my septum piercing. I wanted to blurt out, "Hey, I'll live here with you," but I don't think Mother has talked to Mère about it yet, so I didn't. I don't know how I feel about giving someone else a needle, though. I do my own, yes, but nowadays I always end up with a giant bruise because of my shaky hands. It's fine to get a bruise, it doesn't affect the medication at all, but I imagine Mère wouldn't like to be bruised LOL. It also strongly depends on where the needle is. If it's on her arm, I'm fine with it. But if it's on her buttocks, um... I'd rather not, honestly.

Mère also said she didn't want to live here alone. I don't know if she meant she's fine living here with someone else, or if she wanted to move even if someone was to live with her. But she did briefly mention afterwards wanting to move elsewhere but not knowing where. Again, I wanted to blurt out that I can live with her here. I think I'll tell Mother about this, so she can decide if we should bring it up with Mère now or not.

I can't even imagine how it feels. I think of her laying there in her bed, not able to sleep because Père isn't there beside her. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. Mère et Père have known each other since they were 15 years old. Père died at 73, and Mère is 72. So, yeah... they've been together for a LONG time.

On to a happier subject! I admire how long they've been together. I dream of that, of having met my soulmate. Of having only one boyfriend and staying with him for life, eventually getting married and being happy. But I've had multiple boyfriends (and girlfriends), so that's not really possible anymore. But there is a possibility (a VERY VERY slim one) that I will find my soulmate and get married and be happy.

I do believe in soulmates. I have forever. I had a brief phase a while ago after my ex left me where I didn't believe in them anymore, but I believe in them again. But I do think that some people don't have soulmates. Namely psychopaths, because they're incapable of feeling love, so. But I think some people that aren't even psychopaths don't have a soulmate. I think some people just are designed to be happier on their own and don't require a relationship. Sometimes I think I'm one of the people that don't have a soulmate, but I'm not happy alone, so it'd be awfully cruel of God to do that to me. But then sometimes I wonder, if I do have a soulmate, is it possible we'll never meet? I personally believe soulmates will live at the same time instead of one existing a long time ago and one being alive now. I think that God sets up soulmates so that they are alive at the same time, but they can die before you meet you can just never meet them at all because of how many people exist. I pray that I do have a soulmate and we will meet. I just want a husband to stay with forever, until death and beyond, that's all. I know I'd be happy with that. If I had that, I wouldn't need anything else. I could be tortured every day or give up all material possessions, but as long as I have that husband, I'd put up with it. We could live on the streets together and I'd be happier than I am now, or will ever be (not including living with the same husband in a cute little house in Newfoundland). I love men a lot.

It does irritate me when people act like being LGBT is a personality trait, but I also think a lot of other people who say that are just flat-out homophobic. There's a difference between trying to seperate yourself from everyone else because you're LGBT and being proud or openly talking about your attraction to the same gender. If you're fine with straight people talking about their relationships or, Hell, even sex as a lot of straight people apparently do, but you're not OK with a lesbian or gay man (or bisexual person) talking about how much they love their girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband, you're homophobic. That's a fact. If you're like that and immediately try to defend yourself as "not homophobic," stop. You're homophobic now, and you will continue to be if you don't accept it and learn to change. It all starts from realizing you're not that great of a person. You can become better, but you have to accept you have a problem instead of constantly getting defensive when someone points it out.

So, I feel no shame talking about how much I love men. I love men and I'm not ashamed. I may talk about being gay, but I still want to be treated as a normal person. I want to live in a world where I can talk about my attraction to men and not have people immediately think, "Wait, he's gay?" and instead just have it be as normal as a straight person talking about their attraction to the opposite gender. I want to walk down the street holding hands with a man and have no one bat an eye, just like they wouldn't if we were a straight couple. I don't want to be considered an "other", "gay" as some seperate type of human. I want to be considered normal. Because we are. Gay men are normal. LGBT people are normal. That's the world I want to live in, where everyone understands that.

I seriously love men. Gosh, all I want to do is gush about men. What's not to love? Everything about men is perfect. They're so sweet. And gorgeous, too. All men are gorgeous. I will support men FOREVER. I say that both as a gay boy and as a male positivity enthusiast. Even the men that aren't my type, I still love them and they still deserve the world. They still deserve to be happy and loved. And they are loved! I LOVE THEM!! I think of men and I just want to CRY TEARS OF JOY. Thank you, God, for creating men because HOLY CRAP, they are amazing.

I think I'm going to go upstairs to play Pokémon for a bit and maybe eat some berries. Then I'll come back down here so I can post more music to the music page. I can bring my laptop upstairs, but I don't like to. It's not routine. I also don't like it because I don't want people looking over my shoulder. I think I'd die of shame if Mére were to discover this site. Not taking that chance! Although I dream one day I will have gotten so much better that the people I don't want to discover this site now will be OK to read through it. Because they will read it and be proud of how much I improved. Hopefully that's not just a dream :-)

14th of June, 2020

8:53 p.m.: Hi! I haven't had many intense episodes of self-hatred since I've been here, but I experienced one a few minutes ago. I'm trying to ignore it right now. I don't want today to be a bad day. So change the topic! I will.

We made kimchi today. We filled two big jars and one little jar. Al has never had kimchi before but is interested in trying it, so I'll let her. There's a lot. I don't mind. Now we just wait a few days until it's fermented enough. I'll probably post a picture of it later because why not. We used this recipe, it's a vegan version. It's not too different from "normal" kimchi, it just doesn't have fish sauce. You wouldn't really notice the difference. If you've never had kimchi before, I recommend it. I LOVE kimchi. It's healthy, too. I don't personally give a crap about being healthy (obviously, I'm a starved suicidal self-destructive druggie, I probably am beginning to get cancer), but that's a nice benefit to kimchi.

It smells SO GOOD and I just wanted to eat it as we were mixing it. But I can't. Must wait!

My sister and C came over to drop off the refills. They taped up the cord. I managed to finally find a bunnyproof way to block the path to it! She can't get behind there anymore. That's good because not only do I not want to shut down our internet, but if Bunny chews any more of it, she'll probably electrocute herself. That thought terrfies me. I need Bunny to be OK. I know one day she will die, and I'm OK with that, but I want her to die peacefully. Electrocution is BAD. VERY BAD. And she also has many years left to live. Since she's really healthy, I honestly think she'll live to 11-14 years. She's only 3. I actually don't know when her birthday is. I should ask.

I'm going to go upstairs to play Pokémon after I'm done listening to this song (RIGHT ON by Lil Darkie). I'll stay upstairs for an hour before going to "bed" (aka getting too stoned to be around people without them knowing and staying awake all night). I'm going to try offering the orange before I go to "bed". Hopefully she doesn't get upset. OK, song is over now, I'm leaving.

13th of June, 2020

10:40 p.m.: Hi! Mère used to eat an orange every night before she went to sleep. I noticed she hasn't been doing that anymore, but I just thought it was because she forgot. But last night, she explained that she used to share the orange with Père, so... it makes her sad thinking about it. But last night, she ate one anyway and shared it with me. She didn't eat one tonight. I think maybe it'd be nice if I could keep up that tradition with her, but I'm worried that maybe it'll make her upset. But maybe it'll make her happy. I'm not sure. I think tomorrow night I will eat an orange and nonchalantly asks if she wants a piece. I'll see her reaction and then I'll have my answer. If it's a good reaction, I'll start doing it every night. If it's bad, I probably won't ask again unless she offers herself. That's a good plan! I think so as well.

I play Pokémon a lot. I play it in the morning and in the evening, always, and often more than that. I evolved my Eevee into a Sylveon. I love getting a high friendship level with my Pokémon. I love when you're battling and it says, "X wants to be pet," "X is thinking of camping," and also when they survive at 1HP. It makes me happy. I love Pokémon.

Jenny left this morning. I got those cat paw cases for my Switch! She met up with her boyfriend half way (her mother drove her), and her boyfriend brought them with him, so her mother gave it to me when she got back.

Bunny discovered she could jump up on the other bed in this room, so she's been doing that. It's cute. She runs around and binkys on it, but since it's just a boxspring now (Al and Sh took the mattress to sleep on it in the other room, that's why she can now jump on it), it's REALLY loud when she binkys. A loud thud! Super cute, though. She's very happy running around on that bed. But silly Bunny has apparently been chewing on the cords for the internet box (I forget what it's called)... I have to block the path to it now, but she keeps finding ways to get in. Luckily, it's not chewed all the way through, so it still works. My sister is coming over tomorrow to drop off the refills on my medications, and she's also going to bring tape to wrap around the cord so Bunny doesn't destroy it. I didn't tell Mère since she's upset about Père. I don't think she needs to hear that right now. But I told Mother, and that's why my sister is bringing the tape.

1:37 p.m.: I talked with Mother a bit this morning. She brought up the topic of me living here with Mère since Père is gone. She'd be lonely if she lived on her own, and Mère likes having me over and I could help her around the house. So, maybe. I wouldn't mind living here with her. I'd actually be very happy since I always wanted to live with Mère et Père. I know Mère would take care of me because she always does. She helps me whenever I need help with something, she is never angry or impatient at me being autistic. Mother said there's also a tattoo school around here, so it'd make sense anyway if I were to live on. My motor skills are shitty now, but I believe I can find a way to be steady enough to tattoo real people one day. If I live here, I think I will stay alive. I think I'd actually have hope for the future, and also I wouldn't want to leave Mère alone. Mère is 72 years old, but she's pretty healthy. She has no mental health problems. Père had a history of heart attacks, but I don't think Mère does. I imagine she still has a lot of time left to live, especially since her mother is still alive/her family lives long, so I'd like to make sure she enjoys it instead of feeling sad and lonely every day that Père is no longer here to give her company. She'd also probably be able to teach me proper French and I'll end up speaking that as my first language, which I've always wanted. So. I'm not sure yet, we'd have to talk with Mère about it and she's not in the mindset to consider such things right now, so we'll have to discuss it later on.

Mère is one of the few living humans I care about. I mainly have low empathy for living humans (unless I'm high), but the people I do care about, I care about a lot. Some people consider it caring too much. But I don't.

Sh is a teacher. This morning, when I was brewing some tea, he read me a story one of his students wrote. He said the student adored H.P. Lovecraft's work and it was that student who got Sh into Lovecraft. I definitely noticed the Lovecraftian influence in the story. It also reminded me of Junji Ito, which makes sense since Ito is also inspired by Lovecraft. It was cool. I bet the student is happy he got Sh into Lovecraft's work as well. One I got my teacher into Corpo-Mente, one of my favourite bands (made up of Igorrr members). It was completely on accident. I just briefly mentioned I was listening to them on an assignment, and the teacher searched them up. She said their only album become the soundtrack to her grading papers. That made me really happy. I bet that his students are grateful they have Sh as a teacher. I'd love school if Sh was my teacher.

I can't believe I'm done school now. It feels GREAT. School was Hell for me.

12th of June, 2020

10:15 p.m.: Jenny is staying over. She said she's going to give me these case(?) things for the joysticks on my Switch. They're cat paws!!! But she left them at home, so she said she's going to mail it to me when she goes home. So, that made me happy!

I just got done a conversation with Sh. This time, we talked about vegetarianism. He's a vegetarian. He's the only person I know in real life that's also a vegetarian. I liked the conversation, it was meaningful. We talked about our love for animals. We both don't like eating meat because of our love for animals, not for health reasons. He's a very nice person with a big heart. My uncle and I have a lot in common. I get along with him well. He's into horror movies and horror literature. He's vegetarian. He's a musician. He's big on LGBT rights. I don't think he himself is LGBT (he could be bisexual, I never asked and it's none of my business), but his sister is a lesbian. His sister and her wife were actually one of the first gay couples to get married after it was legalized in Canada. So, I think it's pretty obvious why Lucius, some gay kid obsessed with horror and music, gets along with him.

Such a shame my parents hate him for whatever reason. I want to visit my aunt and uncle, but they don't let me because of their petty drama. I want to go and make music with him in his studio so bad. I used to volunteer as a music critic for a radio station, that's why I know so many obscure musicians, by the way. It only lasted a short while because my mental illnesses interfered, but I still learnt a lot during that short time. I played around in the studio sometimes. Musicians would come in and record their albums. Sometimes they performed live in there for us.

Random fact, but one of my old principals was an ex-opera singer. I LOVE operatic vocals so much. She'd sing sometimes and I loved it. She was cool. She let me stay inside the music room all by myself (I was allowed to lock everyone out) during lunch break so I could play the piano in peace to calm down throughout the day.

I used to make music. I don't really nowadays, though. I'm just too depressed to make music even though I love it and it makes me feel better. Once I start, I'm happy and can't stop, but it's near impossible to get me to start. It's so hard to muster up the energy to even think about making music these days. Mental illness sucks.

But I'm happy right now! I'm feeling a lot better than earlier today. I think I'm going to stay up tonight as well. I'm not tired right now.


3:32 p.m.: I'm suffocatingly empty. How does that work? That's an oxymoron, but it's how I feel. Or how I don't feel. I don't know. I'm freezing, it's really cold. I don't know what's wrong with my vision, but it keeps going black for a split second every few minutes. It's been doing that on and off all day today. I don't know if it's related to my health or if it's just poor eyesight. But I think it's probably related to my health. I used to have my vision flash completely white and would fall down since I was 14. That hasn't happened in a while, though. It's never been black before, and I'm not collapsing when it happens. It's just annoying.

Even though I'm on my antipsychotics now, I think I've been hallucinating a bit these past few days. I keep hearing things and smelling things and seeing things. I keep seeing something outside the window in the bedroom I'm staying in. It's just black. I don't know what it is. It flashes by the window randomly. I used to see black shadows around the dolls in my room. One time I woke up and there was a big black shadow that was flying and it was making a loud humming sound. It tried to fly right into my face, but it disappeared before it hit me. It scared the crap out of me. The black shadow by my dolls never scared me, though. I remember one time when I saw it there were sparkles, like cartoonish sparkles. It was pretty. I used to watch the angel statues in my room play music. They'd move very slowly and it was hypnotizing. It comforted me a lot to watch my angel statues play music. I haven't seen that since A died, though.

I feel hopeless. And stuck. Trapped. Probably because I am trapped. I want to be happy and live and have a husband and enjoy life when I have it, but I need to kill myself. I have no other option. Nothing will ever get better. I've been thinking about how Mère would feel if I killed myself now though, after Père died. I would kill myself before September 2nd, so she'll probably still be distraught by Père's death when I kill myself. And I'm worried about how much worse she'd possibly feel. I think Mère is the only person in this world that genuinely cares about me. I don't want her to be sad. It hurts to see her so sad. She's crying often and I remember how she was sobbing as I held her as we saw Père die. I hate remembering how she kept repeating, "This is a dream," "Please," "They must be wrong." I'm not distraught over Père's death, but I am distraught over seeing how sad Mère is. It breaks my heart. I want her to be happy. I think she's a bit better than the other day, though. She had some moments today where she was laughing instead of crying.

I want to stay alive for Mère's sake, too. But I still need to kill myself. That won't change unless my situation magically changes, but it won't. I'm doomed. I have no one to talk to. I wish I did. I wish I still had a therapist. Or just a friend. But it's selfish of me to have a friend, so I'm not going to. Not that anyone would want to be my friend anyway, and I don't blame them. I'm retarded. I have no social skills and I'm always dragging people down. I'm no fun to be around. All I really have is this site to vent on. I know my family will find this after I kill myself. I wonder what they will think reading all of this. Will they accept they have done some wrong that definitely contributed to my suicide, or will they continue to say I'm just "lying" or "crazy" in order to keep up their reputation? Will investigators understand everything I say here is true? Is my suicide going to be used by my family as a means to get sympathy and attention, like they did with my mental health when I was still here? Would anyone even notice if I'm not here? I doubt anyone will know I'm gone. I've always been invisible to everyone. Mother ignored me often. It's only recently she started to pay attention to me when she's not hurting me. No one would say hello to me at school except my teachers rarely. No one would talk to me at all, not for anything at all. I have no acquaintances. My only friends are Mimikyu, Bunny, and my pocket watch, Vasile. I suppose the dead are my friends, too, but they wouldn't mind me being dead. I have no living human friends. Just dead people, animals, and "inanimate objects." I wish that was enough for me. I wish I didn't crave attention and company. But everyone does to some extent, that's a normal thing. Everyone needs a friend. I'm just not deserving of one anymore after A. I didn't deserve A at all. I miss him.

People are either disgusted by me or scared of me. Disgusted because I'm pathetic and horrible. Scared because I have a "scary" disorder, schizophrenia. If you say you're schizophrenic (ACTUALLY, not self-diagnosed twats), people are pretty much immediatedly scared of you. They think you're a psychopathic serial killer and will snap and murder them. And then there's the rare few who aren't scared, "as long as you're medicated." People with schizophrenia are most likely to be hurt by others without schizophrenia or to hurt themselves than anyone else. I fucking hate it when people with depression or anxiety say they're "crazy". No, you're not, depression and anxiety are WORLDS APART from psychosis of any kind. Stop treating us like a goddamn joke and realize how lucky you are to not actually be crazy. This stupid illness has ruined my entire life. I have a year straight that was filled with pain and I don't know if any of the shit I experienced was fucking real. I don't even know if things before that year were real, I don't know if I was actually molested or abused in any capacity. But that one year sticks with me the most because of how much it fucked up my life. A died because I was crazy. I was blamed for it and stalked and harassed by a pedophile and her group of friends for an entire year. And I'll never know the truth of what happened because I'm fucking CRAZY. I'm fucking CRAZY. I'm ACTUALLY CRAZY. I want to fucking rip my brain out of my skull and stab it because I'm so angry at my brain for having this stupid illness. I don't want to be crazy BUT I AM and I ALWAYS WILL BE because there's no cure for it. I'm stuck like this forever. No one understands. I'm so terrifed every day. I wake up scared. I go to sleep scared. I can't trust ANYTHING I experience. I don't even know if I'm actually writing this. For all I know, I could still be in the loony bin and hallucinating everything.

Maybe I am. What do I do to snap out of this, then?? How do I become sane again and leave the psych ward?? How am I supposed to know if I don't even see the hospital room I'm in or the nurses! I'm making myself slip, I need to stop talking about this before I have an episode.

Topic change. topic change. Sh asked me to show him my Minecraft world. I'll do that later today, maybe. Wait, it's only 4:22 p.m.? How? I could've sworn it was 8 at night. I'm so confused. I'm fine. Maybe I should sleep. But I'm not tired and I don't want to sleep. You just yawned. But I'm always yawning, so, so? Fucking Hell, shut up. I'm listening to music. Someone just called me. I didn't recognize the number, so I declined. But they instantly called me right back after I declined. I still didn't answer it. I brought my phone up to Al to see if she recognized the number. She didn't. But it is there, she saw it too, so someone did call me, I was hallucinating that. I looked it up. It says it's owned by an internet company? I have no idea why they'd be calling me, and why they'd do it two times in under a minute. Weird. Whatever. I'm going to go follow the steps for grounding. I have a list on Listography for it. I privated it because I didn't think it needed to be public, but in case there's someone reading this and it could help them too, I made it public and you can see it here.

9:17 a.m.: I haven't slept but HOLY CRAP. HOLY CRAP! I cannot describe how excited I am for Resident Evil 8. I am so damn happy right now, I'm jumping all over the place. I'M SO EXCITED FOR RE8!!!! I LOVE RESIDENT EVIL. Oh Lord, I can't stop smiling and hopping and flapping my hands. This is all that's on my mind right now, can't think of anything else but THE NEW RESIDENT EVIL GAME!!!!!! I HAVE SUCH HIGH HOPES! I need to calm down but I can't because I'm so freaking excited over this. And I mean, of course I am. Resident Evil is a special interest, obviously I'm going to lose my mind over this.

11th of June, 2020

11:12 p.m.: My scratchboards are here. The first thing I did was scratch Bunny holding a dandelion between her paws, because of how Père went and gathered dandelions for Bunny every morning. I gave it to Mère. She started crying but she was happy and loved it. I'm glad. It was nice to make and it was nice to give. I hope she knows that even though it's hard now, it will get better. And one day, when Père's name gets brought up, she will smile instead of cry. It will take time, but she will get there. I will be here to support her until then and even after. I love Mère a lot. I loved Père a lot, too. I love them both and I always will. One day, everyone will see each other again. But that day isn't going to be for a long time, hopefully. Until then, I hope Mère enjoys the rest of her life.

The scratchboards, I really like them, but it's going to take a while for me to learn how to get good at creating art with them. It's definitely different from pencil and paper, but it's a good different. It's a stim to use them, I found out. The repetitive movements and watching the black smoothly scratch away to white, it's very satisfying to my senses. Sensory good. So I hope this becomes my preferred medium of art!

I just got done drawing and scratching. I'm going to play Minecraft for a bit. When it hits, I'm going to go watch Donnie Darko. I have a feeling I'll love it. It always seemed like something I'd be interested in, but I never took the time to watch it. Will tonight, though! I'll share my thoughts on it later.

That reminds me, I still haven't shared my Letterboxd account. I was supposed to do that months ago now! The reason I've been waiting to link it is that I wanted to remember all the movies I've ever watched and log them down so other people know what movies they can discuss with me. But I have since realized there's no way I'm going to be able to remember all the movies I've ever watched, so I'm just going to link it later tonight.

6:41 p.m.: Hi! Hello. I got the withdrawals taken care of.

I'm rather sedated at the moment.

The viewing was today. I didn't go, though. I didn't feel I had to, honestly. I was there to watch him die. I've already gotten that closure, I already understand he's dead. I would've gone even despite that if I knew everyone would be OK. It sounds mean, but I was too uncomfortable to go knowing that everyone would be crying. Especially Mère. It'd break my heart to see everyone cry. I've always been the type of person to celebrate the deceased's life instead of feeling sad. Père was always smiling and laughing. I know he'd want everyone to be happy and celebrate his life, not mourn his death. But still, I understand mourning is normal and is required for most people before they can start celebrating his life, unlike me.

Mère's sister (let's call her Ch) left his morning. My aunt and uncle came over, and so did my other aunt. My cousin didn't end up coming, though. Okay, to make this easier, my aunt and uncle that I like and who don't have kids, let's call them Al and Sh. Al is the aunt, Sh is the uncle. The other aunt, who has children, is Ca. I don't know if Ca is staying here, but Al and Sh are, and I'm glad. I really like Al and Sh. They're the ones I've talked about a few times before here, the musician that is big on LGBT rights.

I had a conversation with Sh, my uncle, a few minutes ago. Before I went downstairs and began writing this. We talked about horror movies and games and religion. He asked me for movie recommendations, so I gave him some. I recommended The Innocents, The Wailing, and Goodnight Mommy. He never heard of them before, so he's going to check them out later. He also have me some recommendations, he wants me to watch Donnie Darko, Chopping Mall, and Parasite. I've heard of them before but never watched them. I'm probably going to watch them tonight. I heard Donnie Darko is trippy, so I'm going to watch that tripping tonight.

He said I seemed like I knew movies because I named movies he never heard before as well as listing the dates they came out (especially since The Innocents is from 1961). I'm really not that knowledgable about movies, though. I wish I was, but I'm not. I told him I love gothic horror and cosmic horror the best. I told him I've been planning on watching Colour out of Space, the 2019 film based on Lovecraft's work (loosely, I heard they took a lot of creative liberty). Then we started talking about Lovecraft and Edgar Allan Poe. He loves them, and I do too. Then we started talking about books. He asked me what I like to read, and I told him non-fiction books on my interests. I mentioned religious studies and he was interested in that. He gave me some religious text recommendations. He said he's learning about Buddhism right now, but he'd love to learn more about Catholicism (what I'm currently hyperfixating on.) He told me about a good religious studies course in a university. I said I wouldn't know what I'd do with it. He said, "Maybe you'll become a priest one day."

Maybe. Maybe I will be a priest one day. Life is weird, and sometimes you end up somewhere you'd have never expected, so maybe I will be a priest. Only God knows. If I do, I'd probably be an Anglican priest. I'm drawn to Anglicanism. I've been thinking of joining, but I'm not sure yet. I want to learn more about it. Once I'm done hyperfixating on Catholicism, I'll probably hyperfixate on Anglicanism. I love how supportive of LGBT rights they are. They have had many LGBT clergy, gay and transsexual. I think that's terrific! Of course, some churches are pretty anti-LGBT, but most Anglican churches are super supportive of LGBT rights. So, if I ever become a priest one day, that's probably what I'd be.

He also applauded me on being open-minded to religion. He said that when was my age, he was a New Atheist and didn't tolerate religion whatsoever. But now he's opening up to it, that's why he's learning about Buddhism. I used to be an atheist as well, and while I was definitely not religiously literate back then, I wouldn't say I was a New Atheist. Even back then, I hated New Atheists with a passion because they're a bunch of ableist, racist, xenophobic assholes that belittle schizophrenia while also demonizing us and try to act like they're the good guys when really they're actual abusers that make the world a worse place. I wasn't raised with any religion despite being bapitized. I was free to do whatever I wanted. I had a brief Wicca phase, but I snapped out of that quickly when I learnt about how horribly sexist and homophobic the whole thing is (I'm not bashing any Wiccans, I just do not agree with those beliefs of "female" and "male" energies and saying men aren't real men because they're gay or like dresses even though clothing has nothing to do with gender since they're just fabric and have nothing to do with neurology/gender and I'm rambling now SORRY. I just mean to say, they can believe those things if they want, but I strongly disagree and think it's harmful). I also don't like the racism/xenophobia that comes with Wicca. Obviously not all Wiccans, but a lot of them are... racist/xenophobic. They steal things from other cultures, and not in a positive way, they change the entire backstory and significance of minority cultures and religions to seem edgy and show no respect to the original cultures. I've had multiple theistic Satanist phases. I still sometimes drop back into those beliefs. My spirituality is everywhere because of schizophrenia. It's pretty annoying to deal with. I still practice magic. I don't like calling it witchcraft because of the association with Wicca. And the types I do, they're typically frowned upon by Wiccans anyway. I do blood stuff and "necromancy" and I have no problem with hexes. I've done them before. I have some Tarot cards at home, those are very old, from back when I thought I worked with angels and angels would help me through the deck. I don't use them anymore because I don't really believe in them anymore. But I keep them around because they're very pretty, and who knows, I might get back into them one day.

I came back to edit this to type the above paragaph. I don't usually edit things, I just make a new entry, but I meant to write this here but forgot because I went upstairs... And that's where this edit stops.

I just went upstairs to go see Mère. She's still crying. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. I hope she's going to be OK. I can only imagine how hard it is to lose your husband. While I would without a doubt kill myself instantly, I hope she won't. I don't think she will, either. She's not that type of person. I want her to know that even though he's gone, there's still lots of lovely things in this world. I want her to be here for my 18th birthday. I want to live for my 18th birthday, too.

Mère's brother was over this morning. When he saw me, he exclaimed that I'm "so tiny." It made Mère laugh, so I'm glad. Mère said that I have to stay tiny forever because I'm her "baby." Well, I haven't grown since I was probably 13, so that's good for her! All her grandchildren are adults now, except for me. I'm the youngest. My sister and my other cousin (not Jenny) are the same age. I'm also the smallest in size, despite both my cousins being women. Man, it's going to be annoying when I go out to liquor stores and get kicked out because they think I'm 12 when I'm actually 19 (19 is the drinking age here). The only thing that makes people stop and consider me being older now is my septum piercing because most children do not have facial piercings LOL.

I'm not insecure about how small I am. I used to be, when I thought I was straight and later bisexual, because "wahhh no womann like short man". But now? Heck, I love being short, honestly. The only problem is that I CAN'T FRICKING REACH ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO CLIMB ON TOP OF THE COUNTER ALL THE TIME AND I CAN'T GET THINGS OFF SHELVES IN STORES. But that problem goes away when I have a cute tall boyfriend to boss around and make him do all the things Short Lucius can't. I want a husband. I want to marry a man and be gay, both as in homosexual and happy. I daydream about having a husband all the time. It'd be so nice to have a man I could spend my life with, and the afterlife, too! I imagine cuddling my husband all day every day, and having some pets and a bunch of houseplants. And a nice little garden we tend to together! And we could have tea outside every morning and afternoon in our garden. I want climbing roses and vines EVERYWHERE! I want them creeping up the sides of our house!! And we could go urban exploring together! And when we just want to stay inside all day, we can! We can play videogames together and watch horror movies constantly. We can also get high together and have a blast. I want to marry a stoner and we can be the cutest gay stoner couple EVER. Also I think it'd be pretty neat if he could lock me in a cage sometimes and break my legs so I can't escape him. Not that I would! I'd never leave my husband, I just like it when people are possessive to the "extreme". It makes me feel happy and genuinely loved. It's hard for me to feel loved, that's why I require "obsession" and "stalkery behaviour" to make me feel loved. Because if someone did those things, they would go out of their way like that, it means they truly love me. You can't fake love like that, but you can fake love in the way "normal people" think love is.

I'm going to go draw now.

10th of June, 2020

10:58 p.m.: Mère's sister stayed. She's staying the night. I'm glad. I have been trying my best to comfort Mère, but there's only so much an autistic 17-year-old can do for comfort, especially when he's going through withdrawals. Mère hasn't been able to eat much, but she has to eat with her medications or she gets sick. She also said she doesn't want to sleep, she doesn't want to go in her room, she doesn't want to lay in her bed because Père's not there. I wish I could magically make everyone happy. I don't want Mère to be sad, but I know she has to be sad before she can get better.

Mère's sister is still upstairs with her. I decided to "go to sleep". That means I'm just going to stay up all night tripping.

There will be a lot of people here tomorrow, that's scaring me. My aunt and uncle are coming over. So is my other aunt and my cousin (not Jenny, but Jenny's sister). My sister and C are coming over, too. That's... a lot of people. I doubt I'll be able to function well AT ALL tomorrow, but I will try my best because I don't want to make things worse. But there's not much I can do to function well... I can't control being disabled. Whatever. I'll be fine. I hope.

Mère keeps telling me to talk to her if I need to, not to keep things inside and be a "good boy". I keep telling her I will talk to her if I need to, but I don't think she believes me. Because I haven't started uncontrollably sobbing yet. And I won't. Because that's not how I respond to death (except for A, apparently). She must think I'm keeping things inside, but I'm really not. I have nothing to let out. It's near impossible to make her understand that. I really don't want her to worry about me right now. I honestly would talk to her if I needed to. But I don't and I highly doubt I will have to, so she'll keep worrying about me... It stresses me out.

6:42 p.m.: Père was so sweet. Every morning I've been here, he'd gather dandelions and leave them in a glass for me to find whenever I woke up and give them to Bunny. I never even asked, he just did it because he wanted to. Every night, Mère et Père would play cards together at the table. I'd go upstairs to steal a snack and I'd always ask who was winning. It was almost always Père. I wonder who won last night.

When I was 5, Père once slammed my hand into a plate full of syrup as a prank. For years, I'd go on about how I was going to get my revenge. I'd write about it in my schoolwork constantly. When I was 11, I finally got my revenge. I put A TON of butter on a slice of bread and then slammed it into his face. I thought it was really funny.

Père played the guitar. I liked to listen to him play. I put stickers on his guitar once. It made Little Lucius happy.

Père was always working on projects. Last year, they had some funky garden he built. It was super cool and I liked it, but when I came here, it wasn't there. apparently Père wasn't happy with the growing season last year, so he decided to take it down. He made my piano bench. He also made a cute tiny house when I was younger. It was called "the Playhouse," he made it so we could play in there. It's rainbow! It's still there, all these years later. I should take some pictures of it later and share them here.

I'm going to miss Père a lot. He was kind of the only "father figure" I had.

Mother keeps asking if I'm OK. I am OK. I'll be fine.

I'm mainly concerned about Mère, though. I hope she'll be OK. I know if I was in her position, if my husband died, I'd kill myself right away. I don't think she'd kill herself, but I still worry. It must feel terrible. They were together for so many years, since they were teenagers, if I remember corretly. So, I just imagine how I felt about A's suicide but magnified by a thousand. That's the only way I can somewhat imagine what she might be feeling like.

I heard Mère say that she feels guilty for having me see him die and for picking up his body. I don't want her to feel guilty. She hasn't said that to my face yet, though, so I'll wait until she does to respond. But I don't think she'll believe me when I say I'm truly OK. I have seen many people die, many in a much more gruesome manner. I have been around corpses before. I am comfortable with corpses. I genuinely am fine. I want her to focus on herself.

My aunt called me. She was crying, too. She's coming to visit tomorrow.

I'm wondering what's going on with the funeral. With COVID-19, it probably will be a very strange funeral.

I've been having intense headaches all day on top of this. I'm going through withdrawals. I'll be fine, though. Withdrawals don't last forever. Today and tomorrow will be the worst of it. And tomorrow, I might have them taken care of anyway when I get more.

2020 has been a weird year, for sure.

3:41 p.m.: Père is dead.

I woke up to the sound of Mère screaming. I went upstairs, and she was sobbing. She told me, "Something's wrong with Père." She brought me outside on the deck to where Père was sitting. His head was down and his tongue was out. She was on the phone with the police while she was screaming for me to come upstairs. They told us to lay him on his back, so we did. He was still alive at that time. I picked up his legs and she picked up his head. We laid him down and put a towel under his head, as we were directed to do. He was so limp. If it wasn't for him still breathing, I'd have thought he was dead. Three ambulance trucks and some police officers came. They worked on him for about 40 minutes before they gave up since he wasn't getting better. He died. I was with Mère watching them, comforting her. I kept calm. I'm good at keeping calm when people are dying, I've been through a lot.

They left with his body maybe 15 minutes ago. I was sitting upstairs with Mère trying to comfort her still. Some of her relatives came over and are now comforting her, so I went downstairs to call Mother can tell her that Père has died. She thought I was joking at first. She kept telling me to repeat what I said. Then she started sobbing.

It was heartbreaking to hear both Mère and Mother sob. Mère, she kept quietly begging God for him to come back to life. She kept saying, "I must be in a dream." I just hugged her and held her hands. I didn't say much except tell her, "Maybe it's time to go inside," when they were preparing to bring his body away. She refused, she said she couldn't leave him. I also told her I was fine when she said, "That's something I didn't want you to be here for." I'm honestly glad I was here when Père died. I wouldn't want Mère to have dealt with it alone. I also find comfort in knowing what happened, being there to see it. I didn't say much because I just didn't know what to say. I don't like telling people to stop crying or tell her everything's OK. Because people need to cry, they need to let it out, and also it's not OK. Her husband just died. Even though I have a positive view on death, I understand you can't immediatedly jump to the "positive stage". You have to grieve first. So, I'll let her do that. I'll save that for when she's ready.

So, I might not be posting much for a while. Or maybe I'll be posting more. I don't know. Just if I disappear for a bit, this is why.

9th of June, 2020

7:11 p.m.: I feel a lot better now! I talked to Mother, and she gave me GREAT news! My father, he's not coming home anymore. I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN. I'M SO HAPPY I'M CRYING. He's going to stay there, he's not coming back with Mother. I get to be alone with Mother again soon. I'm so so so happy. I hate my father so much. I'm so scared of him and have been dreading that he was going to come home after they can get a flight. So this makes me really happy :-)

I had a funny conversation with Mother. A while ago, when we were talking about Coco, she described how the cats there are different than at home. And I brought up meows. Do cats' meows have an accent? Like, can cats tell if another cat is from a different place? Do they meow a bit differently that only cats can notice? I'm still seriously wondering about that. But, anyway, that's not the conversation today. The one from today, she told me how she was giving a speech to Coco because she did something bad. And my father said, "She doesn't understand what you're saying." Mother thought he meant that cats don't understand any human language at all, and told him it's not true. But then he said, "No, she speaks Spanish." And, like??? I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE BUT IT'S TRUE. And those kittens she's fostering, they're going to have a hard time getting adopted over there since she raised them to respond to English words LOL.

Those kittens, she's actually bringing them home with her. We're not keeping them, she's just going to try and get them adopted out here with her rescue. Coco is staying over there with my father to give him company apparently, so I'm never going to meet her unless I visit. But I don't know if I want to visit beause that means "I'm never going to see him again" will not be true. Sad. Whatever. And so that's why the kittens are coming, because my father has Coco. Mother knows he won't be able to take care of a big kitty and three little kitties by himself. She probably won't be able to get them adopted there before she has to come home, since they're still too young to be neutered. All cats in the rescue are neutered before being put up for adoption (or release them back into their colony in the wild) to avoid the unneccessary suffering that comes from out-of-control cat populations. It's especially important where she is right now because you can't go outside there without seeing packs of street dogs and colonies of street cats. The street dogs and cats there are friendly and get treated well by the neighbours, but that can't last forever if they continue breeding. Then they'll all get sick and slowly suffer until they eventually die their horrible death.

So, I get to meet the kitties! I've seen them on video chat a couple times. They're very cute. One of them, I forget his name, but he's the orange one, loves to sleep on Mother's shoulder. It's SO CUTE. Also, that same kitty, he does something we've never seen a kitten do before. You know how kittens tend to suckle on things? That's normal, yes, but he suckles on his own tummy... It's odd. Cute, though. They're all so tiny!

She brought Coco to the vet again yesterday. Coco, she has something wrong with her. It randomly appeared last month, she started getting big sores all over her body. The vet thought she had some fatal illness, I forget what it's called, but I think it was a type of cancer. Yesterday she got another blood test to see if she had it or not. She doesn't, thankfully! But she has a lung infection still??? Despite not seeming sick at all?? I joked that she was an asymptomatic carrier of COVID-19 LOL. Obviously she's not, though. Whatever she has, it's not contagious, or else all the kittens would be sick as well. But despite the lung infection, it's likely she's going to be fine and live on. She's a kitten herself, by the way, but she's much older than the three other kitties.

Even though they're not my favourite animal, I do love cats! I love animals in general. Like, even though I hate dogs, I still love them. I'd never want them to be sad, I just prefer if I'm not around them since they make me uncomfortable. Except for Ella, I love Ella so much!!!

We still don't know when Mother can come home. She'll probably be able to come home some time in July. She's leaving again in August, though... So for the few weeks she'd be here, she'd have to be quarantining herself. So I might not actually get to spend much time with her. But whatever! I'll be happy anyway.

6:24 p.m.: All of a sudden, I experienced sensory overload and I had to run downstairs to freak out because I didn't want to worry Mère et Père. I'm scared to go back up. I know they're judging me for it. They must think I ran down because I'm rude and I know they're thinking about how bad I am. And they won't understand that I didn't tell them because I couldn't I'm trying my best I'm always trying as hard as I possibly can but it's never enough. I wish I wasn't autistic I hate myself so much. No I don't wish I wasn't autistic I just wish I had someone to help me function but I don't. and I just can't function. I embarrass myself greatly. Public breakdowns. Non-verbal or echolalia. I wish I was high-functioning and could fake being allistic around people but I can't, even around strangers and in crowded places. I'm so retarded. I want to die. Everyone is so mean and even though I know I deserve it I still want it to stop, I don't like it when people are mean to me. I I'm terrified of making people angry. I want to vomit. I think I'm going to. I should kill myself but I'm not going to.

5:15 p.m.: We ended up going out. I got the same artist ink pens I have now, but in different shades of grey. The pack I have now is black. But I've had them for quite a while now, so a lot of them are drying out. I'll have to get more black ones soon.

I'm eating spicy baked plantain crisps. I bought them because they seemed so unbelievably weird, but OH MY GOSH AM I EVER GLAD I BOUGHT THEM! They are SO GOOD. I didn't know I needed spicy bananas in my life, but I do now. I love spicy food. I love kimchi a lot, I eat a lot of kimchi (vegan version because fish sauce is ew). I'm obsessed with both spicy foods and sweets (but I prefer sweets a bit more). I'm such a masochistic slut for capsaicin. I cannot understand people who don't love spicy food.

Speaking of, I'm making more kimchi later today! I haven't made my own in a few months, so I'm excited!!! I love vegetables.

Okay, Mère is calling for me, I have to go. I'll write more later.

10:47 p.m.: Good morning! I slept well for once. I've been playing Pokémon for the past two hours. There's a cute little spider on the wall right beside me. I decided to name him Beeper. He's a new friend! I'm going to let him stay there, I always do. I always let spiders stay in my room. I like to feed them sometimes, too. If I see a "bad" bug inside the house, I just bring it over to the spider and he can have a snack. My eyes feel like they're melting off my face and I don't know why. I'm going to go brew some tea and draw for a bit. Then I'm going to go gather dandelions for Bunny as well as see if any new flowers are out. If it's nice outside and the construction workers aren't there, I'll stay out longer to read. If not, I'll just return to playing Pokémon or Minecraft. Or I'll post more to the music page. I haven't posted anything to my Tumblr blog in a few days, I should probably do that. I have a bunch of stuff stored in my likes that I save to reblog for later. I always forget that I can just queue stuff on Tumblr. I hate Tumblr but I also like it. I absolutely hate the community/people on that site, they're horrid, so that's why my DMs are turned off on there and I don't get into any communities. I also hate all the art theft on that site. I try to only reblog things that are sourced or made by the OP, but I know sometimes I probably accidentally reblog uncredited things, and that kind of upsets me. I never understood why people steal content on Tumblr. Why not just reblog the original post? And why do people insist on removing the captions?? Dear Lord. I sometimes post content (not reblog) that is made by other people, but I'm allowed (creative commons) and I properly credit them, but Tumblr allows people to remove captions. And so often people do that. And it's even worse when people remove the caption/credit and put a link to their Tumblr or something idiotic like that. How sad does your life have to be where you steal others' work and stop other from getting the recognition they deserve and the money needed to pay their bills just so you can get some pointless pixelated number up? Why don't you just Inspect the HTML and edit it instead. It means the exact same thing: Nothing.

But I still use Tumblr because it's good for inspiration and I like to share artists' and musicians' work on there. I also like how it's kind of... secluded. Tumblr has died off a lot since I first started using it (and that's another reason why I use it, because I've been using it since I was 12 so I understand how it works unlike most other social media). I also like how no one else can see someone's followers. I like being able to customize my blog theme too, that's a big reason I like Tumblr. On most social media, you only get to change your profile picture and sometimes a header if you're lucky. That's also why I use Neocities, I love that I can do whatever here. It's more customizable than Tumblr. You can do a lot with your theme, but it still has to function in ways Tumblr does... I don't know how to word it. But here, you're not restricted.

Also, speaking of Neocities, why do some people try to "private" their site. They know that's not working, right? All you have to do is view page source and you can see the password or the page that it sends you to if you get the password correct. Neocities isn't a good place to be if you want something private.

Anyway, I'm going to go do what I said I was! Beeper has moved, but he's still there on the wall.

8th of June, 2020

8:35 p.m.: I feel so sad all of a sudden. I was having a great day today, too, and at the end of it, my brain ruins it once again. I don't want to write about what happened, it's stupid. But I know I won't feel better unless I vent here, so... I'll do it anyway, I suppose. I know Mère is upset with me. That makes me feel really bad. I just want to hide under my blanket and hug Mimikyu as tight as I can. I have this irrational belief that if I do that, I will disappear and I do not have to be sad or ashamed anymore. All my problems will disappear alongside me. She's been saying some things that upset me, more and more. She's not actually being mean, I'm just a crybaby. I'm an absolute wimp. I wish I wasn't scared of everything. I was trying to play with Bunny to calm down, but I think I was being too careless with my movements. I moved too suddenly and clumsily because I was anxious, and I scared her. Now she doesn't want to play with me, and that makes me feel even worse. I feel guilty. I didn't mean to scare her. But I did. I don't deserve her, I don't want her to be scared. I don't like it when she's sad. She probably hates me. I don't blame her. I hate myself, too. I wish I would just drop dead right now. That probably won't happen, though, he doubts it. I'm listening to music. Father.

I got Bunny into trouble! I hate myself a lot, a lot. Mère is angry at both of us, both Bunny and I. Because I'm stupid and she found out I let her up on my bed with me. And she chewed part of the corner of the wall!!! And she said it wasn't a big deal and not to worry about it, but I know it is. I know she's furious at me and she's telling Père about how much of a disgusting, pathetic failure I am. An idiot that should kill himself already. I need to stop acting like I'm the victim. Yes, people are mean to me, but they're mean for a reason! Because I deserve it. I'm not a good person, I'm not innocent. I'm a bad person and I deserve to have people treat me meanly. I really want to cry, but I can't. I think it's because I'm dehydrated. I stopped drinking water again. My mental state improved here at first, but I'm slipping back into the ascetic practices.

I feel really, really guilty. I don't want to leave this room ever again. I don't want Mère et Père to see me, I know they're going to stare at me in judgement and think mean thoughts about how much of an idiot I am! And I can't handle that. Maybe it's time to go home. I've been here for over two weeks now, I think. They're definitely tired of me by now. They're eagerly waiting for me to say, "I want to go back home." They want me gone already, I know it. And I want to go home, too, so I don't upset them any more. But I don't want to go home! I really don't want to go home! I'm scared to go home. I tremble a bit when I think of going back home. I don't want to. I don't want to go back home because it's a bad place. I'd rather stay here and selfishly upset them instead of going back home. I hate myself, I'm so selfish. I feel so guilty. But my fear of going home outweighs my guilt of staying here and upsetting Mère et Père. I hate myself so much. I want to kill myself. Not as in I want to die, but as in I wish I had a clone of myself that I can torture and murder because I hate myself so much. I'd like to possess someone so I can slowly torture myself until I die again. Then I want to come back from the dead and slowly torture myself until I die again. And again and again and again and again! The only problem with that is I wouldn't be in my body to be tortured... It'd be nice if I could be in two bodies at once, that way I can get my frustrations out while also facing my punishment. I want to skin my face and gouge out my eyes. I want to dig all my teeth out with a rusty spoon. I want to rip off all my fingernails. Then I'd make some big lacerations (try not to be fatal) and leave myself laying there alive and awake in the forest until I die. So insects will climb into the wounds and I will slowly die in a manner fitting for someone like me. Also I hope a bird poops on my corpse just to upset myself even more.

I miss my ex. Uh oh. I thought I was over this! I guess I miss him when I'm sad and lonely and scared. And also when I talk about punishing myself because he would always tell me about how he's going to torture me slowly until I die then keep my corpse around and fuck it. I love him. He was so perfect. I don't think there exists anyone as perfect as him. I'd do anything to have him back. He was so sweet to me. He called me "Bunny" sometimes, it was really cute. He mainly called me "little boy" and "kitten", though. Whenever he called me "kitten", I'd tell him to call me "Bunny" because bunnies are cuter than kitties (they're still cute, though, don't get me wrong). I liked to call him my teddy bear! My giant teddy bear! Because he was real tall! He was 188cm and I was 152cm (I still am, I have been this height since I was 13. This is what happens when you become a druggie and starve yourself starting at the age of 12 LOL. Doesn't help that my father is short, too, he's 162cm.). I loved our height difference, I thought it was really cute. I think tall men are cute, especially when they're cuddly like he was. He got into fights a lot with other people, physical fights. I only date men with all the red flags! He also admitted some rather concerning things to me... like he was attracted to the fact I look twelve. But, I was like... Whatever. Because it's much better he was satisfied with me than hurting a child. And also, I think you kind of... have to be a bit of a pedophile to find me attractive at all since I look really young. I just hope he hasn't done anything since he left me. Oh God, that thought horrifies me and makes me hate him instantly again. Ew. I can't believe I dated a self-admitted pedophile. Still want him back, though. What the actual fuck is wrong with me. I think I need a lobotomy, dear God. I have barely any self-preservation instincts. I should order a self-lobotomy kit and fix my brain before I end up in a serial killer's basement.

I went upstairs. I saw Mère et Père. They didn't seem mad. Maybe I'm being crazy again. I'm high again. I want to confess something I've never confessed before. I'm scared of stairs. Yes, you read that right, I'm scared of stairs. Well, staircases with more than three steps. Nothing bad has ever happened on stairs. Well, OK, that's not true. A few months ago when I was in the clinic stairwell, I was casually making my way down after my appointment. And this man just runs out screaming really loudly, "Get back here now!" and he chased after repeating it over and over. I don't know who he was or what he wanted, but it was really really scary and I ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I managed to get outside of the clinic before he caught up, so I was fine. But anyway, that's not why I'm scared of stairs. I just don't want to trip!!! It makes me so anxious. I have to take my time going up and down stairs, I shake. Over here, where no one will judge me for it, I walk up the stairs on my hands and feet. It feels safer because I can't fall. I mean, I can, but I'd just slide down and not truly "fall". This fear developed rather recently, I don't know why. But it makes it a pain when I have to go to the hospital... I'm terrified of elevators. I can't use them, no matter what. No matter how many floors I have to climb, I will ALWAYS choose the stairs. I have seen WAY TOO MANY bad things happen in elevators. People caught in the doors and get bisected or hung. The elevator just crashing. I can't handle it, those are all terrible ways to die. The last time I tried to go in an elevator was before Mother left this time. We had to go to the big hospital that's two hours away. Mother wanted to take the elevator, I wanted to take the stairs. But the hospital was really big and I knew I'd get lost, so I had to go with Mother in the elevator. There were a lot of people in it, that made it worse. When the door was starting to close, I instantly ran back out of the elevator screaming and sobbing. I wasn't thinking, I didn't really know what was happening. I think my brain just kind of shut down and my body took over. I snapped back into reality when I felt someone hold me. It was Mother. Mother never held me like that before, when I was upset, trying to comfort me. It was entirely unexpected, but it was nice. Once I stopped crying, I felt very guilty. I apologized for what I did. Everyone was staring at us because of me. We ended up taking the stairs.

I texted my crush and told him what happened once I got up to the waiting room we were supposed to be in. Oh my, he's so lovely. We haven't talked in months now, but I'd be lying if I said I still don't have a tiny crush on him. How could I not? Ah, he's so gorgeous. I would love to talk more about him, but I don't want to sound like a stalker, so I won't. All I will say is he has somewhat "long" black curly hair that is absolutely GORGEOUS and he has very pretty facial piercings :-) If I had to describe my ideal man in appearance, it'd be a description of him, for real. For personality, I'm not sure. I don't know him that well, but the personality I have seen from him, I love. I might try talking to him again after I turn 18 since he's like 22 or 23. I can't remember, I'm dumb. I mean, I don't care. But I know he would. Well, I'll probably talk to him sooner than that, but I just will be distant until then. He told me to DM him on Instagram but I didn't have Instagram, so I never did. I wish I made an account, ugh! It's too late now. It'd be weird to just DM him on Instagram after a few months of him originally telling me to do that. Also, I don't really want Instagram. I don't like most social media, especially ones that are entirely based off appearance like Instagram. I don't think I have any chance with him, oh no, not at all! But I would like to be proper friends some day.

Hm. I'm feeling better now. I think I'm going to post more to my music page. I think I'm going to stay up again tonight as well, just infodumping about music on the music page.


4:33 p.m.: Holy crap, I'm having a good laugh. So, I have Facebook still because that's the only way I can contact my uncle and aunt and others. I rarely use it, though, so I don't know how common it is, but as I was scrolling down, you know how there's those sponsored ads that Facebook puts? Well, the sponsored ad is fucking shrooms. I am not kidding. Does Facebook even check the sponsored ads??? I mean, it is legal to buy shrooms in Canada if you claim it's for "research purposes", but I still feel like that's not something Facebook would want as a sponsored ad lol... Wack.

8:49 a.m.: I was tripping hard. Probably the hardest in my life. And I was going to write here how I feel like a brand new person, but I was listening to a playlist and the album I used to listen to together with A and in the hospital after he died came on and I'm crying a lot. It's Together by Trippie Redd, that song off the album reminds me of him the most. I haven't listened to any songs off this album since I got out of the hospital the month after he died. I kept purposely avoiding it even though I wanted to listen to it because I knew how emotional I'd get. Well, I'm finally letting it out, I guess. Even though I feel extremely sad and I'm crying a lot, it feels theraputic, so that's good. I have the physical copy of the album right here in my bag. I bought it when in the hospital because they wouldn't let me use my phone to listen to music, all I could use was their little radio/CD player, so I bought that one since I was listening to it a lot with him before, you know, after he died and I ended up in there. Is any of this making any sense? Like, I wonder if there's a bunch of typos or word salad I'm not seeing. Well, I'll find out when I come down. I'm trying my best to type LOL, it's taking forever to type because of that. It's going to be 8 at night before I finish this entry at this rate!

I'm feeling good again :-) I love drugs. They make me so happy! I'd never want to live life without drugs. Drugs are what makes life worth living, after all! Although I love EVERYTHING right now. I love whoever is reading this. Please have a good day!!! Have a good day or else :-) will turn into :-( and that's not nice. So!!! Have a good day for the cute smiley face! I don't usually write ehn I'm unsober this much, but I'm already writing, so it's hard to stop. I used to have a big problem with drunkposting and just in-general-on-something-posting until I turned 17 and then I decided I don't want to do that anymore after it got me in A LOT of trouble. But writing this entry won't hurt. I'm happy anyway, I'm not posting anything sad/concerning. Back then every time I did any drugs I got extremely sad and suicidal and I'd always try to kill myself and that's part of why I was such a burden to A and he eventually killed himself. I promisd him that night after I overdosed and he thought I was dead so he overdosed too but we both survived and I promised him I'd never touch any drugs again :-( I broke that promise in less than a week and he was so disappointed in me. I remember a few weeks before his homelife was getting worse too. His mother searched his room and took all his meth and molly and xanax. He used to have a giant bag of xanax lol he kept it under his bed. He said he'd never ever do heroine no matter what because that's what 3 of his friends died from. His father died when he was really young from cancer. He said his life "motto" (or whatever it's called) was, "Dead dad, dead friends, dead life." He had beautiful hair. It was very long. I loved him. I still do.

I don't know. It's hard. I don't know how to let it go because I've never responded to death in the way I have with his. It's so unusual for me. I know he wouldn't want me to blame myself for his death and be forever tortured by thoughts of what I did wrong and all I could've and should've done differently. He'd want me to be happy. But I can't convince myself that. I can't stop making myself feel guilty. I'm the one doing it. He's not. He's not haunting me or anything, it's all my own brain making me feel terrible. I think that's why he hasn't talked to me. He doesn't want me to take it the wrong way. And he already talked to me, didn't he? It was a strange way of communicating with me, but I believe that's what it was. The experience I talked about on my Tumblr blog here. I'll copy and paste it here.

A month or so after his death, I saw someone who looked extremely similar. His face and hair were the exact same. That long messy hair I loved, that he always insisted was “light brown” but looked red to me. The same distinctive nose, too. But he was noticeably shorter, that was the only physical difference.

I was sitting in the waiting room of the mental health clinic when he walked in. He was with an older woman (I assume it was his mother). They sat down so close to me. I truly thought for a minute or two that it was my brother. I thought maybe the shorter height was his spine issues (he always went on about how his height fluctuates because he fucked up his spine from jumping off a tall tree when he was a kid in a suicide attempt). I was bewildered. He was dead. But he was right there, only a few feet away from me. I was so excited and confused. I felt like I was going to vomit.

But then he spoke. He had a British accent. Certainly not my brother. But it was incredible how much this stranger resembled him. I pretended to be absorbed with my phone, but I kept staring at him. He was smiling and laughing. Even though I knew at that point it wasn’t him, it made me happy.

I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t. I may not understand social etiquette, but I know that talking to a stranger because they look like a dead loved one isn’t wise. He was quickly called out to his appointment, and I never saw him again. I regret not talking to him. I know it wouldn’t have done anything, but I can’t help being regretful for some reason.

I hope that if there’s an afterlife, you’re smiling and laughing too. I hope you finally have the happiness you never had but always wanted.

But I doubt there’s such a thing these days.

I just hope you found peace wherever you are now. Whether it’s some beautiful place up in the clouds, or an eternal sleep.

I love you.

I called him my brother there, I sometimes do that, but he was not actually related, and our relationship wasn't brotherly. I just tend to use that for short and for respect. Because we both outright told each other about liking each other but he didn't want to date for reasons I don't want to get into right now. So brother is the closest thing I can think of to use without going into it, a very very strong bond, but I don't want to disrespect him by saying we were boyfriends because we never officially were. Anyway. What are the chances of that happening? I don't think it was him in the flesh, no, not at all. I believe there's two possible things: 1. I hallucinated him because he wanted me to 2. It was a real but different person and he "aligned the stars," or however you'd put it, to make that happen and convey a message. I hope that message means he's happy and laughing wherever he is now.

I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. You were my hope for the future. I don't know what to do now that you're not here to carry out our plans together. I feel like I have no option left but to join you. Everything feels so hopeless, but there is some hope left, that's why I'm still here. I just don't know what to do with that hope. I'm worried that the tiny amount of hope I have left will run out before I figure out what to do with it. I want to get better, I just don't know how. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be in pain constantly. I'm so tired of making myself feel like shit. I don't usually do this, but if someone is reading this and they have advice, it'd mean a lot if you could message me. You can only really contact me through Discord, my tag is lucius#1984. I'm not going to threaten suicide and put pressure on you, I just genuinely want advice. And maybe you can't give me any, I'd understand, but I think it would be nice too just to know someone cares at least a bit.

I think I'm going to go sleep now. I'm coming down. Or I'll just play Minecraft and stay awake because it's 9:40 a.m. now anyway.

4:11 a.m.: Hi! Mimikyu always wanted to say hello at the start of every entry. I'll let him. I asked, she doesn't have Resident Evil: Deadly Silence anymore. That's OK. Every year, there's a large flea market, and there's one man who always sends a bunch of old (but still working) videogame-related stuff. If I have any chance of finding it for cheap, it's there. I don't know if that flea market will happen this year, though, with the pandemic. Sorri if there's a lot of typos in this, I'm a bit GONE. I'm really not sober right now, I mean. Yeah. Yeah. LOL. So what? I didn't say anything. I know. So... We're working on the graveyard in my Minecraft survival world. It's nice. I wish I could visit the cemetery here. I think I've already said this a billion times here but at home, the cemetery is right beside our house, less than a minute walk if you walk alongside the highway. I like using the forest, though. It takes a bit longer because of all the creeks you have to jump across and try not to fall in. There's a gate at the back and sides where the forest leads, but I know my way in anyway. You just... walk. It's not that hard. There's gaps in the gate. I'm allowed to. There's no reason I can't enter back there even though there's not a gate entry what are those called again, it's always open. There's no gate in part of the front. The one beside my house is not my favourite cemetery. My favourite near where I live is about 10 or 15 minutes away. It's very small, but it's nice. There's a beautiful apple tree in the middle of it that I love to sit under. My favourite cemetery in this province is an hour and a half away, though. It's gorgeous. It's called Grey (or Gray's) Island Cemetery. It's gigantic (at least compared to the ones around here), but it's surrounded by lots of trees, so it's nice and quiet. Not many people often visit. Last time I visited, the only person there was some man cutting the grass. There's a legend of one grave being haunted. The grave has a beautiful statue of a lady. Half her head is missing and so is one of her hands. The legend is that a man's wife died and he was so distraught he commissioned a statue of her, and he would weep by it all day. One day, he died at the feet of the statue. They claim that if you close your eyes and walk around the statue three times, and stop with your back turned to her, you feel someone tap you on the shoulder. Some versions also say that if you turn around when she taps you, you'll see the statue weeping blood. It's not true, obviously. I tried it the first time I visited. Nothing happened. There is nothing unsettling about her grave at all, she's a very peaceful and lovely lady. The only unsettling thing is how gross living humans are to villianize this poor lady's resting place and turn it in to something for idiotic edgy teenagers to vandalize and disrespect. Some people say that someone broke off her hand to try and stop the tap on the shoulder, but I'm not sure if that's true (if someone broke it off for that reason). I wouldn't be surprised if someone did break it off for "fun", though, people are awful. I can't remember the first name right now, but the last name is "Steeves". Here's the FindAGrave page on the cemetery.

Another one I love is the Star of the Sea Cemetery. It's a memorial for the S.S. Atlantic victims. It was a shipwreck that killed 535 people. I've only visited this cemetery once, so I'm not sure what it's like other times of the year, but when I went, it was gorgeous. You'd walk up the path and there would be little pockets of individual graves around the turns. The grass was long. Most of the victims were buried in a pauper's grave, though, not the individual ones you'll see walking up. There used to be an old church there. Once you got to the actual memorial, it was on the cliff. It was so foggy and peaceful.

There's a cemetery behind the music academy in Lunenburg, I love that cemetery as well. The music academy itself is very pretty. You can look at this page here to see what it looks like. There's one burial of note to me here, it's the reason I specifically sought out this cemetery. The headstone of Sophie McLachlan. She was falsely accused of stealing $10 from the tailor she worked under. No one, including her parents, believed her. It upset her greatly. She wrote notes to the tailor, if I remember correctly. She ended up dying at 14 years old. The text on one of her plaques reads (copied from here because I'm too lazy to find the pictures I took and transcribe it myself):


There's a little chain with a broken heart. You can see a picture of her grave here.

I love Lunenburg. It's a lovely little place. And yes, I know the history, that it was one of the British attempts to displace us Acadians and Mi'kmaq. I love it anyway. It's hard to be upset at such a colourful port town. I love port towns despite hating seafood and being scared of the ocean, it's definitely the Acadian in me. There's a little cemetery I love there. There's a lovely pastel pink Victorian house behind it. I fondly remember sitting in the cemetery and admiring that pink house as horse carriages kept trotting by. It faintly reminds me of my past life. I want to visit again. There's also an antique shop there where I got a cabinet card from the Victorian era and a vintage teddy bear.

I've been writing for a while now. I'm going to go back to making that cemetery in Minecraft.

7th of June, 2020

8:17 p.m.: I just realized my ex probably thinks I'm dead for real. I called him every morning when I was in the hospital, but I stopped after I got out. He sent me some cryptic emails a few weeks later and that was it. I think he might think I tried killing myself again some time after I got out and succeeded. Well, whatever. I don't really care, it's just strange to think about. It's weird how someone so close to you can just disappear. It does bother me that he knows all my secrets, though. That's always been the hardest thing about a breakup for me. I tend to get over breakups rather quickly because I realize it wasn't meant to be, but it always terrifies me when I remember that there's people walking around knowing all my secrets. People that are now complete strangers, able to ruin my life whenever they want to. They no longer feel any obligation to keep it a secret since we become strangers. Yikes. I also feel violated. It's stupid because obviously I was OK with it, but after a breakup I always feel disgusted that they know my body. I've always only wanted one partner for life. I hate hookups (people can do whatever they want, it's just not AT ALL for me) and I hate that I've dated multiple people in my life. I wish I just had one boyfriend and we stayed together forever and got married. But no, even though I'm always serious, no one else is, and then they leave with my secrets and body and I'm left feeling violated. I'd have never done anything if I knew they weren't serious and would leave, especially since I made it VERY clear. OK, this is making me uncomfortable now, I'm going to move on to another topic.

I'm feeling a lot better now than I was when I wrote the last entry. I finished inking a drawing and I'm going to do another one after I'm done this entry. I remember what I was going to write last night after Bunny calmed down. I'll write it now.

I've been having massive nostalgia for the game Amnesia: The Dark Descent. I remember when YouTube was full of videos of Amnesia gameplay. My cousin, Jenny, I vividly remember how she let me watch her play the game. I only saw her when she came over to Mère et Père's because she lived too far away. I'd sit on the bed beside her in the room upstairs (here, yes) and stare at her laptop screen as she played. I thought Jenny was cool. I was close with her. No one else let Little Lucius consume horror media. Mother was always obsessed with horror and would always be watching horror movies, but she always sent me away and refused to let me watch with her. Did that stop Little Lucius, though? No. 5-year-old Lucius would sit on the top of the stairs and watch the horror movie Mother was watching from there. It was the perfect angle! I could see the TV, but she couldn't see me. But, anyway, Jenny would happily let me watch her play as long as I didn't tell anyone, so that made me happy. I stopped being close with her around when I turned 12, though. My mental health issues worsened and my ability to trust people diminished, so... Whenever she would come over to Mère et Père's and I was there, I'd hide from her. I haven't seen her in years. She's 24 years old now. I wonder how she's doing.

I kind of want to buy Amnesia and play it for nostalgia purposes. I never actually played it myself. I think it'd be fun.

Writing this reminded me of the Resident Evil DS game. My sister's friend had it and she'd let me play on it, that was my introduction to Resident Evil. I'd love to get my hands on a copy of it. It's called Resident Evil: Deadly Silence. On Amazon, it's $330 new and $100 used. I can't buy that. I don't know if my sister is still friends with her. If she is, I'll ask if she can ask if she still has it and if she stills wants it.

5:01 p.m.: Today was going good, until a few minutes ago. Nothing really happened. I just feel bad. I mean, I know what caused it, but I don't know why it caused it. I don't understand why it upset me. It's not something that usually makes me upset. Okay, well, that's not true. For the past few days, it's been making me upset, but it never did before. I feel left behind. I can't create anything without feeling bad. OK, wow, I just realized why it's making me feel that way. I suppose writing here is actually helping me, even if I don't notice it most of the time. Writing this right now is what made me realize why that's making me feel this way. Maybe now I can think of a way to fix it, I don't know.

But I feel bad because I'm comparing myself. I usually don't compare my artwork to others, but for some reason, I've been doing that lately. I see people already create the things I've wanted to create or have already created, but much better than I could. And it pisses me off a lot. I do not have "all the time in the world" to get better. I have less than 3 months until I'm dead for real. I always wanted to have created something "large" before I die, but that's not going to happen because I don't have enough time. I know, I said I'd live for Bunny, but I'm feeling too selfish and scared. I don't want to turn 18. I need to die before then. I'm so scared at the thought of being 18, I need to die before then, I REALLY need to die before then. I was kind of telling myself in my head that it isn't for a while, but it's already June!? My birthday is on the 2nd of September. Time is moving too fast. I'm terrified.

I want to get better and be happy and live with Bunny and a husband, but I can't! Because I can't talk to anyone about why I need to die before I'm 18! I can't tell Mother, I can't tell anyone in my family, I can't tell therapists or psychiatrists, I can't tell hospital staff and nurses if I get hospitalized again. I literally have NO ONE to talk to. There's no one to help me. If I tried telling a therapist, they wouldn't understand, they'd just tell Mother and throw me back into the loony bin and everything will be even WORSE. No one can understand. And the only people that would (that don't exist in my life) are people I hate, people like me, so I hate them. Why'd he have to leave me? I want my ex back. He was my only hope after A died. I want him back so I can be happy. I don't actually have feelings for him anymore because after the end I realized how shitty he was but I want him back because I'm selfish and I will always forgive him if he ever wanted to come back. I mean who leaves their boyfriend dying of an overdose and when he has to get hospitalized after and calls you every day on the phone trying to talk to you but you never answer even ONCE and the whole time during the hospitalization he's only thinking of YOU and if you're OK and completely ignores his own well-being. He just fucking vanished. I was planning on going to his house after I got out of the hospital to see if he was OK but during my time in there I realized he was fine and just a piece of shit so I dropped that plan. I don't remember his address anymore and it doesn't matter since he's probably moved away by now anyway. I fucking hate him so much. He's nothing but a liar that pretended he loved me and gave me hope then LITERALLY LEFT ME FOR DEAD. But I'll still happily accept him if he ever comes back because I have a problem. I'm an ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON that LOVES TO GET HURT apparently.

I piss myself off so much. What the heck is wrong with me. Why am I like this. Why am I so stupid. I don't know why I'm asking myself that because I'm too much of a retard to give myself any answers. Okay. LOL. I'm just laughing at myself now. That's good, I guess. It's better to laugh at how stupid I am than to cry about it.

12:20 p.m.: We fell asleep. I took my antipsychotics last night. Since I haven't taken them in a long time, they put me to sleep, so I didn't get to stay up as planned. But hopefully that means if I start taking them earlier, I can get back into my routine. There was something I wanted to write here, but I can't remember what it is. Oh, lilacs! I was looking out the window and noticed something purple, my favourite colour. I instantly ran outside to see what it was, thinking it was a new flower. And I was right! The lilacs are blooming! Well, only one... But it's still gorgeous! I love lilacs. They smell lovely and they look beautiful. Mère went out and cut it. Now it's sitting in a vase on the table.

It's nice outside today, but I still don't want to stay outside because it's not routine. I only went outside because of how excited I was by new flowers. It's a bit cold outside, but not so much that it's bad. It's the perfect temperature. It's cloudy. It's going to rain later today. I love rain! I love to stand outside when it's raining. It feels nice. I love fog more than normal rain, though. I never understood how people hate rain and fog. It's seriously the best! It's gorgeous and relaxing. I hate thunderstorms, though. Those are scary. The main thing that scares me is the wind. It's a stupid fear, but I can't get over it. Strong winds terrify me.

I like to go outside barefoot. I always went outside barefoot until I was 13, then I started wearing socks and shoes always. But here, I'm starting to go outside barefoot again! It feels nice. It's not "safe", sure, but that never stopped me. Once, when I was 11, I got a porcupine quill stuck in my foot when I was walking in the backyard here. I barely noticed it, it's just a slight pinch. I just sat down and pulled it out of my foot. My aunt was with me and she looked horrified, I'm not sure why. I don't know if she's ever been injured by one. They really don't hurt that much, at least for me. It reminds me of that one time when I was 6 and my foot hurt when I was in the store. I just sat down in the middle of the aisle, took my shoe off, noticed a blood blister, and cut it off. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. I still do that often. I know that my pain tolerance is a bit screwed up from being autistic, though, so maybe they do hurt a lot for others. Some types of pain are excruciating for me, but others I don't even notice when I'm seriously injured until I notice a bunch of blood or someone points it out. I also enjoy some types of pain. I love needles a lot. I love to stick myself with needles for fun. When I was 10-14, I used to stitch thread into my skin. Not to close wounds, just because it felt nice. I left the thread in for days (which you shouldn't do, don't take after me) because it felt cooler when I finally pulled the thread out. I've heard of other people doing it when I got older as a form of body art, but they do it through the very top surface of the skin and not as deep as I did. If someone is interested in doing that, I strongly suggest following what others who do it as art do, because I tend to not care about my health.

I love getting piercings partly because of the needles. Hypodermic needles/syringes are my favourite. I love getting bloodwork done. It's very relaxing. I love to watch it fill up with blood, it's pretty. I always look forward to having bloodwork done. Luckily for me, I have it done pretty often because of my medications. I use a hypodermic needle every Friday to inject myself with one of my medications, I look forward to that too, but it's not as good as getting bloodwork done. I was good at injecting myself at first, but it's gotten harder as the dosage increased. It's really hard to push the plunger. I always warm it up first, like I'm supposed to, but since my motor skills are so bad/hands are so shaky already, it really doesn't work so well. Nowadays, I typically end up with big bruises, but that's OK because I like bruises anyway. Oh, and I mentioned it was bleeding last injection, I'm fine. Nothing happened.

Good news! I can draw again now (somewhat)! So, I've been feeling better. I'm going to go play Minecraft now, though. 1.16 is going to release soon, and I want to make sure I have everything ready in my new survival world to go explore the new Nether!!!! I want a Ghast stuffie. I love Ghasts so much, they're absolutely adorable!!!!! I wish you could tame Ghasts and have them as pets in Minecraft. That'd make me so stupidly happy! Ghost boy loves these big cute ghosts that make kitten noises, I don't think that's a surprise to anyone.

6th of June, 2020

10:00 p.m.: I took a video of Bunny :-) She's currently binkying on the bed and trying to eat my sketchbook and pencils. Whenever I'm trying to draw, she always does that... comes up and chews on pencils and my sketchbook instead of eating her food lol. I'm not uploading the video here because I want to save space, but if anyone wants to check it out, I posted it here to my Tumblr. It's nothing special, just a 6-second video of her. But I still think it's cute and want to share it. I love Bunny. She's behind me right now. In between me and the wall, there's a space there. Now she's eating my sketchbook again. Okay, I have to stop writing this to stop her from chewing it. I wanted to write more but I'll do that later when she's calm and tired of playing.

5:32 p.m.: I'm freezing. I can't stop shivering. The weather is getting warmer despite how cold I always am. I want to hide under this comforter(?), it's nice. It's heavy and warm! But I can't do that right now because I'm drawing and my drawing position doesn't allow for me to hide under the comforter(?). At home, I always have to have my blanket on my shoulders because I need the pressure it gives me. Even when I'm really hot, I have to have the blanket on my shoulders or I'll freak out. But I didn't bring the blanket here, and this comforter, I can't put it on my shoulders like my little blanket. So. I've been putting up with it well enough. I brought my Hello Kitty pyjamas, I should put them on. It's very warm and soft. My sister's friend gave me those pyjamas when I was 10. They're still very over-sized on me because I am tiny. But that's good because it makes it comfier! They're black and pink. I don't know what happened to her. She moved away and she's an adult now. I was never close with her, but she'd sometimes come over to our house and that's why she gave me the pyjamas. She was nice enough.

I love Hello Kitty! I have a bunch of Hello Kitty stuff. I love cute things in general, that's why I collect cute things! I really love my Precious Moments dolls. They're vintage. I got all three of them from a flea market, for free. They were on sale, not to be given for free, but the old couple who had them said that nobody wanted them. They said I seemed very happy and passionate about them, and so they gave me them for free because they knew I'd take good care of them for their daughter (who didn't want them anymore since she's an adult), that's what they said to me! I don't really understand people that get rid of their cute things when they become adults. Do people really feel like they have to stop enjoying cute things once they're an adult? That's so sad. There's no age limit for liking cute things or fashion! Even when you're 80-years-old!

I know people judge me for it, but I don't care. I used to care when I was younger, but I don't anymore after I realized something important. What I realized is that even if you drop the things people make fun of you for, people will still hate you and make fun of you. People will always find something about you to make fun of you for. So why should you drop things that make you happy (that harm no one) to try and make people stop making fun of you, when that won't do anything? All you're doing is making yourself feel even WORSE for nothing!

It's hard to accept that people will always be mean to you, but it really makes a positive difference once you fully accept it.

I wrote a bunch here but deleted it. It's 7:20 p.m. now.

I decided I'm going to stay awake tonight and tomorrow and fall asleep at 7 or 8 p.m. tomorrow. That way, I will be forced back into an OK sleeping schedule.

4:05 p.m.: She arrived and then she left. See, it wasn't so bad! Earlier, Mother told me to download an app. She said it was good for making friends. Basically you list community events/groups on it. I had a feeling that there wouldn't be anything. It's one of those apps that only really work for big cities. I checked it out anyway and I was right. There were only two events and they were business things. Maybe COVID-19 is also affecting it, and when the pandemic is over there'll be things I'm interested in. I doubt it since the two events on there were hosted online because of COVID-19 so others would do that as well, but I'll check when this all dies down. I don't know how I feel about it anyway. I do want a friend, yes, but I don't want multiple. I don't like being around a bunch of people. These groups/events sound like Hell, honestly. And I also don't want any friends at all because I'm not a good friend and I can't change the things that make me a bad friend. I know I'll just hurt them and also myself. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I feel stuck because I know I can not live on without a friend, but it'd be selfish of me to try to make one. I'd honestly rather just kill myself then have a repeat of A.

I'm waiting for it to charge. Then I'm going to go play Pokémon.

I did end up dyeing them. I can't remember if I wrote about this yet or not, it was a few days ago. But they turned out dark blue instead of black. It's much better than it was before (light blue), but I still don't like it. I wanted it to be black!!! The dye I got was BLACK!!! I'll have to dye it again some time. I think if I try it again, it will finally be black. I don't have any dye right now, though, so it'll have to wait for a bit.

3:00 p.m.: Hi! I'm feeling better than last night. We're not doing so good at getting back into routine. We are still waking up way too late to read outside. My sister is dropping off the antipsychotics and more needles and my charger later today. I don't know why I'm nervous. She can't do anything to me here. And it's not like she's staying, she's just stopping by to drop things off then leave. They increased the dosage of my antidepressants today. I'm tired even though I slept a long time. I want to sleep. I mean, I don't really. I've been having nightmares the past few days straight again, but I can't remember them, so that's why I'm not putting them in my dream journal. I just know I wake up scared and crying. I'm high now. I feel better. Drugs make me feel calm. I can never feel calm sober, no matter how hard I try. I'm always paranoid or my autism is being bad, every second of the day I spend sober I am freaking out over sensory issues and something not being perfect in my routine. I don't like it when things are different usually. That's why I eat the same food every day and use specific items no one else is allowed to touch. It's been a bit upsetting how Mère keeps making fun of me for eating the same foods. I know she's not trying to be mean, but it bothers me. I won't say anything about it though because there's too many bad memories of me "taking jokes seriously" and people get really angry at me and hurt me. Whatever. I put so much stress on how things are touched or listened to. If I don't listen to a song properly, I have to listen to it again and listen to it properly. I am scared of touching a lot of things because it feels bad. I hate touching the walls in the bedroom I'm staying in here. It feels so bad, whenever I accidentally touch it I freak out. I have to eat in a very specific manner and I get upset if it's not perfect. I often stop myself from doing things I love and know would make me happy because it would break my routine. That's why I'm refusing to go outside or read indoors at all now. It was fine before when I had my routine, but now that my "routine" is sleeping all day again and spending the hours I'm awake in this bedroom, I can't handle going outside at all since it's different. So that's why I'm trying really hard to get back into my routine. It's hard though because my sleeping medication isn't working anymore. I'll ask Mother if I can increase the dosage.

5th of June, 2020

8:32 p.m.: They will get you. You should stop. Or don't.

I've been remembering Soil and the hospital. It's so lonely. Sometimes I wish he'd come back. I don't actually want him to. He's bad. But sometimes I wish he did so I wouldn't feel lonely. He hasn't talked to me in a few months. That's a good thing, I need to remind myself. I want him back but I'm scared of that. No, I don't want him back. My illness wants him back. There's a difference. I mean, no, there's no difference. That's me. It's my brain. I've always hated that, therapists telling me I'm not my schizophrenia. I always wanted to punch them when they said that. Yes, I am. You don't understand. You're not schizophrenic. No one will ever fucking understand. I'm not allowed to have a spirituality or religion because I'm "crazy". My memories and accounts of abuse and trauma are invalid because I'm "crazy". All my opinions are meaningless because I'm "crazy". I can't be helped because everyone just takes advantage of my schizophrenia or doesn't take me seriously. And when everyone else is not to be trusted, you have to trust yourself. But I can't do that either because I'm crazy. No one will ever understand and I wish someone did. I just want someone to listen to me for once. But whenever I try to open up to someone, they insult me and get angry and start screaming and blame me and it's scary OR they just gaslight me or just not take me seriously. And I hate that when I state they gaslight me, no one believes me! They just say I'm crazy and they get away with it!!! It's an endless cycle.

How do you listen to a boy scream in the hospital about his mother doing those things and not do anything? No one even gave me the benefit of the doubt that I was being honest. No one even comforted me. They just left me there to sob. And then my sister came in and started blaming me and saying that none of that ever happened. You weren't even there when those things happened! You wouldn't know! You weren't there all the times she did mean things. And even if you were, of course you'd pretend it never happened because you're an actual psychopath. You hurt me more than anyone. Fuck you. I've always wanted to kill you. All you do is abuse people and get away with it. I've made so many plans since I was 6 to kill you or my entire family. I never went through with it. Then I'd make a new plan. I never followed through with that either. And so I just kept making plans and not following through. When I was 11 I almost finally killed my father though. He was sitting there not paying attention and I walked up behind him with the axe. I raised it and was about to bring it down on his head but I stopped myself because I was too scared of going to jail. I just pretended I was playing with the axe since we were outside anyway. I wish I did it. If I did it then, I wouldn't be punished for it. People would understand why I did it back then. Now, I can't. They'll just say I'm a psychopath and throw me into jail to get raped every day for defending myself from people that hurt me. I fucking hate the police and the government. It should be legal to kill abusers. I won't even attempt killing any of my family now, I'm too scared of the consequences. I'll just continue being trapped like this because the pain here I imagine is easier to deal with than what would happen if I killed them.

I often think my family is watching me post to this site. Sometimes I don't think that, though. Right now I don't think that, so that's why I'm writing this. I do know that they have cameras hidden back home, I think maybe some microphones too. They watch me so they can hurt me and throw me back into the psych ward if I do anything they can spin as "concerning". Sometimes I think there's cameras here, too. There's not, though. I checked. And Mère et Père aren't like that. I doubt they'd even know how to set those up.

It irritates me to know that if someone is reading this, they'll think everything I've written here is just me being crazy too. But it's not. It's really not. I know I have it, but that doesn't mean everything I say isn't real. I just want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and help me but no one ever does and it hurts. The world is scary and I don't want to live in it.

The only person that ever somewhat helped was a guidance counsellor in one of my middle/high schools. She was so sweet. She was like a mother to me. She'd let me spend multiple days of the week alone in her office because my autism being too bad to work in class. And since I'm bad at talking she'd let me write everything I wanted to tell her down on paper and then she'd read it and respond. She was patient and nobody else was ever patient with me. So she made me really happy. I remember one time when I was 14 I wrote about how my sister's boyfriend (this wasn't C back then) was coming over to visit and that I knew they were planning to torture and kill me and I was so worried. She helped me come up with a plan to stay safe. Her boyfriend never visited and I was OK though. She's also the only person I opened up to about being molested nearly daily from 5-11 (probably started earlier but I can't remember). And It was really scary because the person who did that is a woman right and no one thinks that's possible. But she understood and she cared and she was so kind to me. I miss her a lot. I changed schools so I don't talk to her anymore.

My last therapist. Well two I think I had two at the same time. I stopped seeing them a few months ago. One of them felt mean. I don't know if she was or if I'm just sensitive. I especially hate the way she talked about A she acted like he wasn't a great person and basically told me to just forget about him. Oh, and what I hated even more was how she kept trying to convince me my parents are nice, especially my father. My father went to the same therapist (not at the same time) and she'd try to tell me that I need to let go of my hatred and fear of him because he has PTSD. That's not a fucking excuse and I have every right to hate him forever, especially when he hasn't changed. No one is EVER obligated to forgive someone that terrible and that fucked up your life so much. That's the same mindset of abusers and everyone that lets them off the hook. I hope she rots in Hell. And the other therapist, she was annoying. She acted like a teenager. I don't know if she was trying to "relate" to me or is just that irritating, but I hated it. I don't want a therapist that acts like someone I'd see at school. I want someone that acts like an actual ADULT. How am I supposed to be comfortable and have trust in you when you act like you're 15 years old???

I just tend to dislike people my own age anyway. I always have. They're always obsessed with stupid drama and stupid extremist political ideologies and they're too loud and full of themselves and they all self-diagnose themselves and just try way too hard to be edgy and they're just straight-up MEAN. I've always loved being around older people. I like to date older men. When I was younger, it was older women, but I regret that because I know now that I'm gay and I just feel icky about it. I love men. They're nice. I feel comfortable with them. I still wish I had an older brother. I truly do think my life would be drastically different in a positive way if I had an older brother. It'd have given me someone I could actually trust and rely on and someone that would actually take care of me. Can't do anything about that though. I'll never have an older brother, that's not how it works. Unless I do have an older brother and just never met him and my family kept it a secret but I HIGHLY doubt that.

I feel better now but I know I will start feeling bad again soon. I'm going to go play with Bunny now.

4:09 p.m.: Eh, I just got done my injection. I messed it up. It's bleeding. I think I'm fine. I'll find out later if I'm not fine if I'm in the hospital.

4th of June, 2020

10:11 p.m.: Oh, for God's sake, the police here are being rotters. I already shared my location earlier today, so I'm just going to say who it is. They killed Chantel Moore this morning, she was an Indigenous woman. I didn't know her personally. They killed her during a "wellness check". They said she had a knife and was making threats. So they fatally shot her. The hell? It's not hard to disarm someone with a knife. And if they needed to shoot her (which I doubt), it's common sense to shoot her in a place that's NOT likely to kill her but would stop her. Or use a taser. It's such bullshit how it's illegal to carry pepper spray (the police can arrest you for carrying anything they consider a weapon, even if it's for self-defense because the government wants all at-risk groups to get assaulted) but it's fine for a police officer to kill someone because they were "panicking". There are so many reasons to hate the police. I'm convinced it was racially motivated for the reasons I stated above (not hard to disarm someone with a knife, they could've shot her in the hand or used a taser). Maybe it's not, though. I don't know everything. Maybe they shot her in the foot not meaning to kill her but hit the dorsalis pedis artery. Or maybe she was on anticoagulants. I don't think the autopsy report is out yet. If it becomes public, I'll take a look at it.

Wait. Nevermind. Apparently they shot her FIVE TIMES. They shot a small woman five times when all she had was a knife. That definitely doesn't seem right. But maybe that's not true or out of context, I don't know. I'm not an investigator and I don't know her family. All I know is that this seems VERY wrong from what I'm reading about it online.

I don't think many people read this, but just in case, here's her family's GoFundMe.

I hope if things were really wrong, that justice will be served and they won't let the officer off. I hate how people in this country act like we don't have the same problem as America with racism and police brutality. Canada is full of this type of left-wing nationalism, where they make up lies about how good it is here and how bad America is in comparison. They ignore actual problems just so they can "brag" about it. We're the country with the Highway of Tears, for fuck's sake. I honestly think Canada is worse than America with this because at least America acknowledges they have a problem. Meanwhile, Canadians turn a blind eye to it so they can continue shitting on America.

Since I'm already ranting about this country, I want to ramble off into the French drama here. I am not "French Canadian" as in I'm from Quebec. I am Acadian. To sum it up, Acadians are descendants of French settlers who were forcibly deported and killed by the British back in the 1700s. Some of them were taken in and provided shelter by the Indigenous people here, they helped us despite us being shitty to them. Because of that, a lot of us are also Indigenous (I don't know if I am, though, I never asked) and Acadian culture is very different from other Francophones in Canada. But I did live in Quebec when I was younger. Holy crap. I cannot describe how much I hate Quebec LOL. Anyway, bilingualism is a requirement here, in my province, but also to be a federal politician or whatever. And my opinion on this is apparently controversial here, despite me being Acadian. I think it's shitty to have that requirement. You should only have to speak English since it's the most common language. For a government that tries to proudly claim it's progressive (let's ignore the multiple times Trudeau has worn black face despite being old enough to know better at those times), the French-pandering bullshit is the exact opposite. Imagine someone who wants to play an important role. They grew up speaking a language that's not English or French. The first thing they will do is learn English, obviously. And then you tell them they need to learn French, too? Just because of a small minority of us? Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it is to learn a language??? It limits the pool of options greatly and cuts off voices that deserve to be heard. Of course, the Francophones, both Québécois and Acadian, whine about how important they are to Canada's history and identity, so everyone should be forced to learn French. Uh, so are all the Indigenous peoples? They play a VERY important part in Canadian history. So how come it's not required to learn Miꞌkmaq or others?? You can't argue it's because it's a minority language when French is also one. It's all just thinly-veiled French supremacy, for real. Not every Acadian is like this, but around here, they're REALLY full of themselves. The times I've been in Acadian areas, we've been refused service a few times because they heard us speaking English. I was too young to remember this, but apparently one time when they refused service to my father, Père was with us. Père went up to them and obviously called them out for it, but in French. I wish I could remember that, it must've been great. I can only imagine what their face looked like when they realized we were Acadian LOL. Well, Père and I were. My father isn't Acadian, he's German. Mother is, though.

It's always been a big yet stupid insecurity of mine that I can't speak proper French. I've been learning it since before I was in school, obviously, since I am Acadian and I also used to live in Quebec. And every year in school, I had to take French. I never improved beyond what I knew when I was 12. It always infuriated me to see my classmates, none of whom were French or had any part in our culture/no relatives, learn French so easily, while I, an Acadian, never made any progress. It's because I'm autistic, definitely. It's hard enough for me to speak English! I wish I was raised with French as my first language, honestly. Even though I was talking trash about Acadians in the above paragraph, the culture is still beautiful. I wish I was more connected to it. But also as I described in the above paragraph, they're not very inviting and because English is my first language, I'm limited. I feel disconnected from the Acadians. I hear the language, see these flags and other cultural objects, and so badly want to participate, but I'm not allowed. Mère et Père, they speak French to each other, so I hear it every day and I just wish I could join in. Mère et Père are nice, they aren't French elitists, that's why I speak English. But I still feel sad that I'm not welcomed by the Acadian community. I feel like I would belong better in that culture, if it wasn't for this elitism problem they have. Whatever. If I continue living, I plan on moving away from here anyway (because if I'm still living, it means I'm able to leave here). I want to live in Newfoundland and Labrador. I've always loved that province. So foggy and beautiful. I'd love to move to Romania, but that's just a dream because their government is too shitty and LGBT rights are too lacking for me to deal with. If that ever changes, I'd definitely move to Romania if possible. Beautiful country. Beautiful nature and architecture, a lovely language, an interesting history. What a shame they're stuck with that shitty government.

Well, I suppose I've pretty much doxxed myself now. That's fine. The only reason I've waited this long to out-right state where I live is because of that situation, but I'm pretty confident now that it's over with. If I get paranoid about it again, I might end up deleting this, so that's what happened if this entry (and the other one this morning) disappears. But I don't care about random people on the internet knowing, nothing will happen. Nobody will go out of their way to come to this shitshow of a province just to murder me (and if they murdered me they'd be doing me a favour anyway). And my family already knows about my mental health problems. In the miniscule chance that somebody is reading this and is from here, hello! Feel free to say hi if you see me in public. I'm pretty easy to recognize. There's two versions to look for: A boy that looks like he walked straight out of the Victorian era OR a goth boy that looks like a ten-year-old until you see the facial piercings and realize that ten-year-olds don't have septum piercings and I'm just a skinny midget. No matter what version, I'll be carrying around a Mimikyu stuffie because I bring him everywhere, even into stores. So, yes, pretty easy to spot, don't be afraid to say hi! I know I always look angry, but I'm not, I just have a naturally angry-looking face. It'd make my day even if I don't express it due to autism.

Oh, I just read that Chantel Moore was shot in the chest... It seems the more I learn about what happened, the more wrong it seems. But I'm done commenting on it. I don't want to make any accusations and I have no personal connection to her, her family, or her friends. It's not really my place, I'm just a concerned outsider. But if someone is reading this, please check out her family's GoFundMe and donate if you can. I embedded it above, but I don't know if it'll work on Neocities because I haven't embedded a GoFundMe here before. Just in case it doesn't, this is the link.

I've been very rambly (is that a word?) today, huh. It's now 12:26 a.m. I kept getting distracted when making this entry. I think I'm going to stop this entry here and go play Minecraft. I'm thinking of taking a break from posting here. Just a day or two. I want to focus on some other things. So, if I don't post for a while, I'm not dead, just taking a break.

6:54 p.m.: Today has been a good day so far. Much better than yesterday :-) I tried drawing, but I'm still suffering from that strange forgetfulness(?). I got frustrated very quickly and had to stop trying. I don't want today to turn into another bad day. Neither does Mimikyu! I wanted to go outside to read earlier, but those construction workers are so loud. They're far away, but they sound like they're right in the yard. Irritating. Apparently they tried to buy land from Père... They wanted to make the road right beside the house and build a bunch of houses in his yard. Of course, Père said no. They bought this house for peace and quiet, not to have their forest destroyed for annoying people to live there. Anyway, I want to get back into my routine, so I'll have to start waking up earlier to return to reading outside. I'll try doing that at around 6 a.m. now. I don't think they'll be working at that time. I'll find out.

Late, but I finally listened to Lil Darkie's newest album, YIN, in full today. It's great. My favourite track is MUSHROOM, with BUTTHEAD being a close second. Grandma Darkie is cool, she went hard.

I didn't watch it, but I saw one of those Live PD videos on YouTube, and in the thumbnail, this guy was wearing a HEALTH T-shirt. It made me stupidly happy. Since I didn't watch it, I don't know if he was arrested, but if he was, that's cool. I wish I was cool enough to get arrested in my HEALTH t-shirt. HEALTH merch is great, by the way, not to sound like a shill. ALIEN BODY, Travis' (Pictureplane) fashion brand, is great in general. I would buy everything if I could. I only have one shirt from ALIEN BODY (and HEALTH merch). I want the black widow hoodie a lot. And the crop circle shirt.

I pre-ordered the ibxtoycat toy cat!! I can't wait until it gets here. It's SUPER cute and I'm glad I can support Andrew. I prefer his second and third channel, but his main one is nice, too. Mimikyu is going to have another friend! I mean, he has lots of friends already, but there's always room for more! Right? Right!

Bunny is still happy and doing well. I put her up on the bed with me this morning. She's always on my bed with me at home, but she's not allowed here. Still did it anyway because I like sitting on my bed to draw or browse the internet while I pet her. She was running around and binkying on the bed! So cute! The beds here are bigger than mine at home. My bed is small, but that's fine because I am tiny. There's also a nice comforter(? I think that's what it's called?) here. I don't have that at home. At home, I have one tiny blanket. It's a Hello Kitty one because I like cute things. It's really soft.

Mère et Père's house, it feels like a luxury here. I don't like it at home. It's terrible, especially since Mother hasn't been there to watch over C and my sister. They've trashed it and there was only so much I could do to fix it since I'm autistic and have chronic pain. It makes me anxious knowing that I can't stay here forever and I will have to go back. But I don't have to worry about that right now! There's no set time I have to return home. They said I can stay here as long as I'd like. I want to stay until Mother comes back home. I don't know when that will be. I just hope Mère et Père won't get sick of me and throw me out before then! They won't. And I say, "I sure hope so!" Or not? Does saying "I sure hope so" in response to that mean I hope they throw me out? Or does it mean I hope they don't? I don't understand things like this. It's really hard for me. I hate it when people ask me questions that give me the same problem. Sadly, people ask questions that confuse me too often. I always just respond, "I don't understand your question." People think I'm retarded, but, I mean... Yes. I am retarded. That's why I'm confused. They tend to just repeat the same exact question and get irritated when I still don't understand, instead of explaining what they mean. I will never understand why allistics go out of their way to make things difficult. Sometimes I feel like allistics are the more stereotypically "retarded" ones than actual autistics.

I don't think it's OK to call autistics retarded, by the way. I just call myself that because it's true for me.

So, we found out what needs to be done with the papers and doctor's note. Mother filled out the paperwork, she's going to scan it then email it to my sister so she can mail it in. Because if Mother was to mail it from where she is, it'd take forever! I wanted to do both at the same time, but apparently you have to do one at time. Not a big deal, though! They're both happening still and I'm excited!

Mother agreed to let me start taking my antipsychotics again. My sister is going to come drop off my antipsychotics as well as the charger for my Switch. I forgot the charger at home and I've been wanting to play Pokémon the entire time I've been here. I don't know when she's coming. Thursday, I think? Not sure, though.

Mère made scones this morning! They're yummy! I had a small one with Mère's apple jam, she makes it herself. I'm not currently obsessed with my ascetic practices. I'm in a much better mental state here, so I haven't felt the need to punish myself that much. The only practice I'm still actively participating in is not eating a lot. I have to have some days where I eat a lot, though, in order to make them not worry. I can get away with it at home, but not so much here. I don't want them to think I'm bad again. When I was 13-14, things happened, things were bad, they saw it, they were upset. I want to avoid that happening this time. I need to be careful.

But, anyway! Back to what I was talking about! The scone was yummy. So is Mère's homemade apple jam! She also made banana bread. She makes wonderful sweets. I have a great admiration for people that can cook and bake. I can't, no matter how hard I try. I want a husband that can bake! I want a husband in general.

I've been daydreaming a lot about that, having a husband. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's June, maybe pride month is making me extra gay. I just love men. It'd be nice to have a husband. Live with him in a cute small house in a quiet, isolated, foggy place. Maybe have a garden and grow our own fruits and vegetables. Live happily and peacefully, just the two of us. It's just a dream, though. Nobody can stick around me for that long, and I don't blame them. I'm a hassle to take care of. But daydreaming isn't harmful, so! I'll just continue that.

1:32 p.m.: Very surprised. Opened up Tumblr to see a picture here. In this area. Even though we're so tiny and nobody knows who we are. Even more surprising, the picture is from June 1st. It's so strange to see that. It's cool, though. Reminds me of that one time I joined a Discord server and someone in there was from here as well. That's the only time I've ever seen someone from here randomly on the internet (not on local community sites/groups). But, oh, the picture was of goths protesting against racism. I should've been there LOL, but I only went to town the day after on the 2nd. It's cool to know there's a community of goths around here anyway. I mean, I knew there'd have to be some, but I never see them. This place is mainly filled with old, dying people that think we're still living in the 1700s and refuse service based on which language you're speaking when they first see you. There was a lot back where I used to live, though. I remember when I was 6 years old I saw a group of goths having a picnic by a castle downtown. I thought they were so cool. I loved their fashion. I asked my father who they were (I didn't know what the goth subculture was back then) and he said they were criminals. LOL. Guess what I became. A trad goth. My father has seemed to change in that area, because he's never insulted me for being a trad goth. Only comments he makes on it is that I look like a demon some days and makes jokes about hanging heavy objects off my septum ring. Mother is OK with it, but she does have a problem with facial piercings. Before I pierced my septum, she said she'd never be able to look at me if I got any facial piercings. I ended up convincing her to be fine with it, though. And now she has no problem with it, and I'm getting my next facial piercings once they open back up again (snake bites!). Piercings make me stupidly happy. I love piercing new holes into my body and shoving rings and bars through them.

3rd of June, 2020

9:40 p.m.: Well, I couldn't sleep. I feel a bit better, though. I want to play Minecraft with someone else. I know there's many public servers out there, but they make me uncomfortable. There's always way too many players. And the ones that are smaller, I still feel uncomfortable playing with those strangers. I don't feel welcome. They already have their friend groups and stuff. I only play Minecraft survival on my own. It'd be nice to have a friend to play with.

6:31 p.m.: I was going to write that despite this morning being rough, it got better. But all of a sudden, I don't feel well again. I feel wrong. I feel like something bad is going to happen. Usually when I get this feeling, I end up having a big breakdown later. I've been having this feeling on and off for the last few days, so that breakdown will probably happen soon. I don't want that to happen. I've been trying to distract myself with things I enjoy, but it's not working. I have no interest in any of the videogames I love. I try to play them, but I get tired of it after a minute or two and stop. I keep trying to draw, but it's just frustrating. I really want to draw, but it seems I forget how to. I don't know, I just have days where I forget how to draw and it's so frustrating, I have to stop. Usually it goes away after a day or two not drawing, but it's been like this the entire time I've been here. I try reading, but I can't. I can't pay attention, which is odd for me, because I usually finish books on my interests within an hour with my hyperfixation. Those are all my hobbies I can do right now, and yet they feel more like a chore than a hobby right now. I'm just stuck listening to music, smoking, and browsing the internet. And even browsing the internet is tiresome for me right now. I've watched everything I have interest in watching on YouTube. I've been taking the time to browse Neocities. Some people here have interesting sites. I like the ones about music. I like listening to people's music. But I think I've dried up my interest in browsing random Neocities sites. I have some stuff here I need to work on. I need to make that matcha shrine and fix the images on my graphics page. I don't want to do that, though. Not right now. I don't feel like I have the energy to. I don't want to work on them now because it'll just feel like a chore, and I don't want this site to feel like a chore. I want this to be a place that helps my mental health, not worsen it.

It's odd. I'm finally on my antidepressants properly. At home, I would take them randomly, so obviously they wouldn't be working. But here, Mère is the one in charge of my medications (yes, they're still monitoring me after all these months, Mother has no faith in me to not overdose) and she remembers. So, I've been taking them every day for these weeks. They should be working. And yet... I feel just as bad. What the heck? I know they won't suddenly make me happy, but they are supposed to give me more energy and make me less anxious.

Ah, wait, I just remembered I'm not taking my antipsychotics. Maybe that's it. They left them at home because they stopped giving them to me because they think it was making me sick. I thought it was too. Maybe it does make me sick. I don't know. But feeling physically sick is better than going crazy again. Yeah, thinking about this... It makes a lot of sense. These symptoms, I always have them, but since I'm on antidepressants, it's more likely that schizophrenia is creeping up on me again than my antidepressants not working. I can't really do anything about that, though. I'll text Mother, I'll try to convince her to let me take them again. Then maybe my sister can drop them off here. I have a feeling she'll refuse. In that case, I'll probably just go crazy again. Then I'll get thrown back into the loony bin for a few weeks. Whatever.

I feel physically sick now. I want to vomit.

Maybe I need to have a breakdown. Maybe distracting myself is making it worse. But I'm scared. I haven't had a breakdown since I came here, to Mère et Père's. I wanted to leave those breakdowns at home. But maybe I do need to have a breakdown to let it all out. I'm scared to have another breakdown. I don't want that. I don't want that at all! I don't want to be sad and scared and hurt myself in the bad way. I want to feel happy.

I'm stressed. I'd like to hide under a warm blanket and cuddle Mimikyu and forget about all that's making me stressed. But my brain won't let me do that, it's not letting me feel OK.

The nausea is worse now and I'm freezing.

I'm going to try to sleep. I don't know if I can. I'll find out.

1:08 p.m.: I'm tired of hurting. I want to get better. I want to stop doing all these hard drugs, only stick with soft ones like weed and LSD. I want to get away from this place that makes me miserable and cut off contact with everyone that makes me miserable. I want a husband. I want to live in a quiet, isolated, foggy place with my husband and enjoy life with him. I want to enjoy life when I have it. I don't want life to be a chore any more. But none of this feels possible. If I was normal, I could do these things, but instead I'm disabled. I don't know how to do anything. I hate having to depend on people that hurt me. I've exhausted all my options. I feel trapped. Bunny, I often can't convince myself to stay for her. Drugs carry me to the next day. Get too drunk or high to move so I can't kill myself. Fall asleep. Wake up the next day, either still high with how much I took or immediately suicidal and tired knowing I have to face another damn day. Get high again so I can finish the day. That's how my days go.

2nd of June, 2020

5:09 p.m.: I feel really sad. I need to get drunk. But I can only get drunk at night here because I don't want Mère et Père to know I'm still drinking. Everyone thinks I've stopped using drugs since last hospitalization. So I have to wait. I feel like Mère is the only family member that actually cares about me. I wish I was closer to my aunt and uncle, though. I really like them. I wish they were my parents. My uncle always invites me over to go make music with him but Mother doesn't allow it because my parents and them have petty drama. I don't know my father's side of the family because I'm forbidden to speak with them. Whenever they tried to send me letters, Mother would throw it away and not lead me read it. The only things I know about my father's side of the family is that they're German, abusive, and severe mental illness is everywhere. Apparently one of my uncles on that side was schizophrenic and beat his wife to death with a hammer during one of his delusions. That's definitely where my genetic craziness comes from, definitely. Thanks for the shitty mental illness genes...

Mère tells me about my great-grandmother sometimes. She's still alive. She's 92 years old. I've only met her once. Apparently Mère's grandfather lived to 105 years old. Mother's side of the family seems to live long. That scares me. I'd hate to live that long. I hate being alive now. I wish I died when I was 6. I'm so fucking old already. Christ. I'm dreading my 18th birthday. Sadly, I'm probably going to be alive for that unless Bunny dies before then. I doubt she'll die soon, though, she's got many years left. Sometimes I wish I never adopted her so I could just die already. And that thought always makes me feel so guilty. I got her from Mother's friend, she was giving her away for free. Giving bunnies away for free is bad because that's how they end up in abusive homes or as snake food. But anyway I got her from Mother's friend when in the hospital. My guinea pig died from some sudden sickness and I didn't know how he got sick and it really scared me I felt super guilty. I brought him to the vet and they gave him meds. When I got home I held him on my lap and sobbed for hours. He was stuck tilted to the side, couldn't move, but every now and then his body would involuntarily jolt. I ended up falling asleep and when I woke up he was dead. I felt really guilty. I hate it when animals are in pain. I ended up making five deep cuts in need of stitches that night he died and I ended up in the psych ward because of how bad I felt. And that's why Mother gave me Bunny. To make me feel better. I had bunnies when I was younger, so I knew how to take care of them already. Bunny means a lot to me.

I buried my guinea pig under the willow tree I planted. Willow trees are my favourite and they mean a lot to me, so I thought it was fitting. I make a little marker for his grave. I painted a big rock with the same pattern his fur was (white with brown and black spots).

We have a little cemetery in the forest on our land for animals. Not just pets, but any animal. There's some cats buried there that got run over in the road in front of our house, they weren't pets, we just think they deserve a burial. There's a lot of horses buried on our land, too, but we didn't do that. The lady that lived here before us, she owned horses, so that's why. Funny story, but when we moved into that house, Mother found photographs of the lady who lived there before in the closet... BDSM photos. LOL. I wasn't there when she found them, but I'd have loved to see her initial reaction. Must've been hilarious.

Hey, I'm not sad anymore! I still feel a bit lonely and bored, but I'm not sad! So, that's good! I got a new sketchbook when I was out, I just finished all the pages in the one I had before. I deleted my art page a long time ago. I don't know if I'll add it back. It'll take up lots of space to host the images, and I am trying to save space here so I can continue using this as a diary. I also got some black dye. I'm going to dye my overall shorts black. I've been thinking about putting some patches on it, but I'm not sure. For now, I'll just continue putting all my patches on my hoodie. I want to finish that first before I start putting patches on anything else. I really like patches.

I think I caught myself hallucinating a bit today. I think a pole was talking. And I think some paintings were moving. Maybe I was just hearing someone else talk and thought it was the pole. Although it's still worrying that my first thought would be that the pole was talking, so... Eh. I'm just not smart. That's all.

12:58 p.m.: Ah! I love Mère! We have to go out today to get some stuff, and I jokingly said Mimikyu needs a mask as well. And even though I wasn't being serious, Mère immediately went to go make Mimikyu his own mask!!! She's making it right now. She's so great. Hopefully it'll give anyone who sees it a laugh during these hard times.

1st of June, 2020

4:34 p.m.: Hong Kong is still fighting. The world has really gone to shit recently. It frustrates me that there's nothing I can do about anything. I can't help Hong Kong. I can't help doctors and nurses. I can't join in any protests. There's some in my country, but those are hours away, and even if they were here, I'm not well enough to participate. My autism is too bad and my body is too weak. I also can't do anything about the U.S. trying to sneak in the EARN IT Act because I'm not American. Only Americans can do something about that, but most of them don't even know about it because their shitty government purposely tried to slip it through when their media is focused on the pandemic. I used to hate it when people say that the "world today" is so corrupt because we are living in the most peaceful time yet. Like, yes, there's still a lot of issues, but the past was WAY worse and glamorizing it and erasing past horrors is disgusting. But now I kind of agree with it because the world has rapidly declined just in the past few months. A few years ago was much better than it was now, I think.

31st of May, 2020

5:57 p.m.: I am seeing worrisome signs. Yesterday, I was in the same bathroom, taking a shower, and I heard the knocking on the window again. And yesterday, I was taking what Mère says the wrong way. Countless times yesterday, she would talk to me and I thought she was being really mean. It shocked me since Mère is such a sweet person, and even though I was hurt, I didn't call her out for it. I just went away to cry. Happened multiple times. But right now, I am remembering all she said that I thought was mean, and it's not mean in the slightest. It's not even any different! She was talking to me the exact same. And also yesterday, and still today, I can't handle them glancing at me. Every time I see them look at me, I have to try my hardest to not start crying and screaming. I used to do that when I was younger. I also want to hurt them to make them stop looking at me. I mean, I don't want to, but something tells me to do that and it doesn't stop until they stop looking at me. And, this has been randomly appearing throughout this month, a delusion that a group of people are stalking me on the internet. Well, not a group, I mean every person (except me) that uses the internet is out to get me and they have some grand plan and this site is only helping them. So, all of this worries me a lot. I am lucid enough right now to understand I am being delusional with those, but this won't last forever. It's going to get worse. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm temporarily off my antipsychotics and I don't know when I can be put back on them. I don't want to go crazy again. I always hurt people when I'm crazy and I don't want that. And people also take advantage of me when I'm crazy, they use it to hurt me. I'm scared of my brain. And I'm scared of the outside world and everyone in it, so. I'm scared of everything. What am I supposed to trust? I feel so helpless. I hope I'll be fine.

12:29 a.m.: God, I have the sense of humour of a five-year-old. This man, when he was filling out a survey, you know how they'll write "sex" for gender? Well, he filled out the "sex" part with "often" and I can't stop laughing at that. It's so dumb. I want to use that next time I fill out a survey because that's so dumb and I LOVE it.

30th of May, 2020

11:03 p.m.: I'm not feeling the best tonight.

I feel like I'm talking to someone. I'm thinking about him, A, and all I could've done differently. I wish I called him that morning. I wish that I picked up the phone and reminded him I love him. Maybe if I did that, things would be different. I don't know why it bothers me. It's in the past. You can't change any of it. I need to get over it, but I can't. I can't get rid of the guilt. I feel guilty for wanting to get rid of the guilt, too, so... it's kind of endless. I spoke to my therapists about it after it happened, but it didn't help. I've been through so many therapists and none of them have ever helped. I feel like they're judging me. In their heads, I know they're always judging me and everything I say. They either think I'm lying or exaggerating or just being crazy. Or they think I'm so ungrateful. Because they see thousands of patients, many with much worse problems than mine. I know in their head they compare me to their other patients who have it worse and think I'm ungrateful and whiney. Even if they don't verbalize the mean thoughts they're having towards me, I'm still not comfortable opening up to anyone knowing they're thinking about me like that. And when I talked to those therapists about A, that was the first time in 12 years of therapy I actually was honest to a therapist. And yet, it did nothing. What's the point? I stopped going to therapy a few months ago now. They closed my case because Mother wouldn't bring me. Doesn't matter. They never helped anyway.

Every day, I am reminded of him in some way.

I hate that every time I remember him, it's painful. I don't feel any amount of happiness or calmness, which is unlike how I usually respond to the death of loved ones (I view death as a positive thing most of the time). With him, it hurts a lot. Like, a lot. More than I can describe. I remember how hard his life was and how cruelly the world and the people around him treated him. Myself included. I treated him terribly as well. I'm not innocent. It's all my fault. I always think about how he must've felt, especially in his last moments. God, he died terribly. It's the only thing that makes me wish I didn't know so much about thanatology, so I wasn't aware of how much he suffered.

The smell of tobacco and weed reminds me of him. Him and his dirty jacket, he called it the "drug rug" because of how shabby it was and because it always smelt of cigarettes and weed. Reminds me of one specific night, too. After another one of his friends killed himself after another one of his friends died in the hospital (he was in a coma for a while and they decided to let him go). He was understandably wrecked. I stayed up two whole nights with him, making sure he was OK. Keeping him company. We did drugs, got fucked up, and listened to music together. I remember him going outside barefoot in the snow to smoke a pack because his shitty sister kicked him out for smoking in there. That's why it reminds me of that night specifically.

He was suicidal for ages, before I met him. He attempted multiple times before that. I always tried to convince him to get help, but he refused. He wouldn't even go to the hospital after overdoses just to make sure he was alright. He said he didn't want to go because he thought it was embarrassing and also because he didn't have the money. I remember one conversation I had with him that always stuck with me. When I was trying to give him hope as I often did, and he told me that he knew he could get better, but he didn't think it was worth the effort. I don't know. I can never get that out of my head. He killed himself a few days after he turned 18. I was 16.

I can't get rid of the guilt no matter what I do. No self-punishment works. That's what I deserve, though, to feel guilty forever.

I want to delete this. But I wrote it all, so I might as well press the save button. Why did I write this anyway? I guess I feel a bit better, but not by much. I'm high now. I'll forget soon enough and start feeling happy.

8:56 p.m.: !! Mother sent me some pictures of these two moths outside her door! And WOW, they're gorgeous! Especially the second one.

I love moths so much. They're beautiful.

5:55 p.m.: Okay, when I am writing down what Mimikyu says, it will be formatted like this. Mimikyu, his words here, they probably won't be long paragraphs or his own entries most of the time. Usually, he just replies to me. I already tend to write his small interjections and responses down when I type here, but I have never formatted them, so it's probably confusing. It is kind of natural for me to write down what he says. I don't think about it, I just do it. I don't think I've talked about his personality here yet. I might do that later tonight.

I went outside to gather some dandelions for Bunny. I saw a little lantern (Lampyridae). I thought he was dead at first until I went to pick him up and he flew away. I suppose he was just resting. They tend to do that during the day. A bit odd that he decided to rest on the outside of the door instead of in a safe place, but whatever. He can do what he wants. It was nice to see him anyway. If he was dead, I was going to keep him and pin him. I do not like killing insects. I only kill mosquitoes and sometimes ants if they're being troublesome. So, I only will pin insects I have found dead. I also don't like to keep flying insects as pets, like butterflies and moths, even though I love them because I think it's cruel. They live very short lives, and I think they should spend the rest of it out in the wild where they belong. I don't mind raising them and eventually releasing them, but I haven't done that before. I only had a "pet" butterfly once and that was because he was injured. He flew into a fire and burnt part of his wing and could only fly very short distances every now and then, so I took care of him. I'd let him outside in my garden once a day to be happy, he could fly a bit from flower to flower after long rests. But one day when I let him out, he disappeared. He must've got eaten by something. At least he got to die outside where he belongs. He was beautiful even with the burnt wing.

Oh, and the flowers are starting to bloom in Mère's garden. Not many, though. The tulips and pansies are out. You can eat pansies. Sometimes I put them in my salad. There's a lot of bugleweed. Mère et Père, they said the bugleweed is annoying, but I think they're pretty and would be happy if they took over the entire world!

The doctor has written the note. I am so excited! The next step is to send it in. We're trying to figure out if it has to be mailed in person or if we can just email it. I'll keep updating on this, because the day this goes through, it will be my new birthday! It means that much to me!

12:58 p.m.: I blacked out this morning. I remember I woke up multiple times, but I don't remember what I did. I saw that I updated the graphics page earlier. Don't remember that either. Whatever. I've been thinking of letting Mimikyu speak here. He can't type, obviously, but I can type for him. Yes, he's a stuffie, but he does have a soul and a personality. I'm being serious. I don't know how I'll mark it so that it's understood(?) it is Mimikyu's words, not mine. I can't use bold or italic because I use that sometimes. I could make it a different colour, I suppose. I don't know what colour. Or maybe a different font? Or maybe small text, like this. I'll decide later. I need to go take my medications now and then I'm going to draw for a bit.

29th of May, 2020

10:18 p.m.: I may be 36kg, but I can still outdrink you.

9:26 p.m.: Not every conspiracy theory is bullshit, honestly. Some of them, the ones motivated by money, of course. People will do anything for money. No government or politican actually gives a shit. Every government does horrid things behind the scenes. I don't even think you could say that's an opinion, it's basically a fact. There'll never be a good government. Sucks that we need one, though. There's too many humans for anarchy to work. A necessary evil, that's what governments are.

8:26 p.m.: I was browsing Tumblr and I stumbled upon something that I want to talk about here. I don't know how many people will read this (most of the views here are probably from myself, I imagine) and who they might be, but if you're a friend or relative of an autistic: Stop trying "exposure therapy". Yes, exposure therapy when done properly by a professional works for PHOBIAS. For fears someone gains in life. NOT FOR AUTISM/SENSORY ISSUES. The key difference is phobias are something you develop from experience, so they can be overcome. Sensory issues from autism are how your brain is wired and it CANNOT be changed. You cannot change their neurology and make them allistic. Forcing an autistic to experience things that causes sensory overload (exposing them to bright lights or loud noises, for example) is not "therapy", it's abuse. They will not "get over it". It will hurt. So fucking stop. I went through this. Mother used to force me to experience bad things for me. It fucked me up. And when I naturally freaked out over it, I'd get punished. I'd get physically and emotionally hurt. Insulted, called slurs, public humiliation, being dragged around. It's not OK. You are not helping AT ALL. You are making things WORSE.

In general, if you're a friend or relative of an autistic, stop trying to make them allistic. Stop making them feel like they're a genetic failure for being autistic. Stop acting like you have it so hard for having a friend or family member that's autistic. Stop treating us like a fucking burden. We're people. There will never be a "cure" for autism, that's not how autism works. Autism comes with a lot of negatives, yes, but a lot of the negatives mainly come from how people act towards us and how people have set up society. THAT is what can be changed, how the world treats us and making society more autism-friendly. Autistics can't be changed. We're autistic forever. It affects every single part of you, therefore saying autism needs a cure is saying we need to die. And there's also a lot of positives to autism. Those depend on the autistic in question, though. For me, the major positive is a strong passion for my interests that makes me far better/more knowledgeable on them than most. That one is a pretty universal one, though, and that kind of destroys the "autism bad for society" excuse because some autistics can make incredible discoveries and be at the top of their field on whatever careers they choose. I know I'd make an excellent forensic pathologist. That's actually what I planned on being, but I dropped it after I realized I'm not going to live that long.

And now I'm just rambling, but that makes me sad. That I won't live long enough to be a forensic pathologist. I know I'd be incredible at it. I know so much already. I knew so much already when I was 14! I read forensic pathology textbooks for fun! I absorb information on thanatology like a sponge. I used to hang around inside funeral homes and talk to the morticians and see things they legally weren't allowed to show me so I probably shouldn't mention it but that was when I was 14 so it probably doesn't matter now. And morticians aren't forensic pathologists (at least not where I live, but I know that depends on location), but obviously they know a lot about thanatology. Er, well, I guess this connects because it's a negative of autism for me. I can't have any other job because of it. I can only pay attention to and learn information about my interests. No matter how hard I try, I cannot understand anything that's not my interests. So. I used to have "planning to be a tattoo artist" on the homepage here. That was what I decided would be my excuse for Mother after I realized I won't be a forensic pathologist and also just a far off dream if I somehow managed to stop being disabled. I know I won't live long enough even for that, though, and it wouldn't matter if I did because my motor skills are too shitty. I can draw alright, but the thing is... paper isn't a living, breathing, moving human. I have to hold whatever I'm drawing on in very odd positions and have my face leaning against it to be able to draw. Any other way, and my hands are too shaky/uncontrollable to draw. I feel sad. I wish I had a future. I don't really have anything to look forward to. Just waiting for my bunny to die of old age and then I can die too. I'm not killing myself until she's dead because that's selfish. No one else knows how to properly take care of her. I don't want her to live a sad life in a cage eating things that are bad for her and never having someone to play with. I want her to be happy. She's only 3 years old, I think, and her breed (Netherland Dwarf) can live up to 12 years, so... I probably have quite a while to go.

Sometimes I talk about wanting to kill myself now and plans here, but I don't want that. I'm going to try my best to live until my bunny is dead. I know sometimes I will want to kill myself now, but I'll try to remind myself of my bunny each time. I can't leave her alone. Animals are innocent and I don't like it when animals are sad. I don't want her to be sad. Until then, I'll just try to focus on living day by day. I'll continue distracting myself with meaningless things. I'll look forward to new music being released by my favourite artists, make that my goal to live to. And then when the new music releases, there's always even more music from my favourite artists about to be released, so I just make the next release my goal to live to. And on and on.

I also really want to be here for Halloween. Halloween of 2020 will be a full moon. I've never experienced that before, it will be the only time in my life I get to. That's probably silly to a lot of people, but I love Halloween. I live like everyday is Halloween! There's no reason for it to be limited to one day only. There's 365 days in a year, so... There's no excuse to not live like everyday is Halloween and embrace all the lovely things about it. People are just lame.

7:21 p.m.: I have smashed my head two times so far today. I really do have the motor skills of a toddler, huh.

I've felt uneasy for all of today. I'm not sure why. I've caught myself thinking some worrisome things.

I started crying a bit just now and I was scared but I don't know why. I'm not crying anymore, though.

There's a giant bruise at the last injection site. I have to do another injection after I'm done writing this.

I miss A.

I'm really thirsty.

It's annoying having to format all this. So annoying. For some reason the editor is being slow. It's only here, nowhere else? It takes forever for the letters to show up on the screen.

I wish I could read his mind. I want to know what he's thinking. I want to know everything. What do you think about (anything)... How does (anything) make you feel. That stuff. I think everyone feels that way about someone. Uncensored. How does he experience the world? I hate not being able to know. Life is quite lonely. You can never know what's on someone else's mind, that's lonely. We're all alone with ourselves. No one will ever truly be able to understand another. That makes me feel lonely.

I used to think people could read my mind, when I was maybe 7. To 10? Years old. So, I'd start screaming randomly in public trying to get people to stop reading my thoughts. I got in a lot of trouble for it. I don't think that anymore, though, I know that's crazy now. That's probably the first signs. I was only diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 16, but I think it started earlier because I was hallucinating and being delusional since what I said before. It got especially bad when I was 12-14 and I got really violent. Mother found out, she read my diaries where I wrote all about the people I were planning to kill (my family, mainly), and brought me to a therapist for that but they diagnosed me then with depression instead of schizophrenia. I had to be hospitalized twice before I got the diagnosis of schizophrenia. Also, I was on antipsychotics from 5-12 for my autism so that probably helped my schizophrenia too. I want to get back on that medication to be honest because they really helped me. It made me stop being a mute and aggressive. Nothing else has helped me like that. I'm on different medications now, though.

28th of May, 2020

11:06 p.m.: Eh... I haven't hallucinated in a while (well, at least that I can recognize), but I think I may have a few minutes ago. I heard someone knocking on the bathroom window. At first I got disturbed thinking either Mère or Père was watching me, but when I went upstairs, both of them were playing a card game. Neither were outside. So... It's either a hallucination or there's someone else outside the house watching me when I take a piss. I'm going to say it's the first one.

Obviously, I didn't open the blinds in case there was someone there. Not that it would've mattered any because they would've been able to see me anyway if they looked at the right angle... So, in hindsight, I should've opened them to be certain. Now I'm never going in that bathroom again on the very tiny chance it was a person. Good thing there's another one upstairs that no one can ever look through unless they're record-breakingly tall. But, ah, shit, only that bathroom has a shower. OK, well, I hope if it's a person they fuck off soon enough.

I'm still off my antipsychotics. I've been taking my antidepressants, though. But that's not really what I need right now. Nothing I can do about it since they're left at home. Just pray I don't enter a psychotic episode here.

10:08 p.m.: Somewhere out in the world, someone is wanking it to a baboon's ass. Just think about that. There's way too many humans and way too many fetishes for that to not be happening. Fuck deep philosophical questions, these are the shower thoughts I have.

6:45 p.m.: Nothing feels right and my heart hurts.

27th of May, 2020

6:15 p.m.: These past few days, I've been good at distracting myself from feeling miserable. I knew that wouldn't last forever, though, and I'm back to feeling that way.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. What do I write? I want to vent, but I've already vented about everything wrong with myself and my life. I repeat myself here, over and over. The same feelings and the same problems, just worded a bit differently every time. It's not helping if I still feel this way. And yet, I continue to come here to vent for some unfathomable reason. Nothing ever changes.

A isn't coming back. Mother will never love me. My father will never get better. My schizophrenia and autism will never go away. My experiences of being molested will never disappear. The world will never be beautiful. Life will never be worth living. And I will never become a person. So? What's the point. I'm exhausted with everything. I'm still here, though.

I want to live up to the meaning of my name. It's a stupid insecurity of mine to not fit my name. I want something positive, some light, to come from my life. I want to make at least one person happy and proud of me. All that has come from my life is negative, though. I've only ever had a negative impact on the world. I don't see that ever changing.

I realized that calling myself a burden is being too easy on myself. I'm a curse.

26th of May, 2020

9:33 p.m.: Mère et Père, I keep catching them staring at my scars and they act strange when they see them. I don't know... I know it upsets them. I understand why they stare. They aren't little scars. It's countless, all over, from cuts that needed stitches but never got them, so they scarred terribly. They are permanent. And that's why I need to get used to this, being stared at. I need to get used to it because they will never go away until I cover them up with tattoos. I want to be able to wear short-sleeved shirts in hot weather and not feel insecure, and to do that, I need to work my way up to that, starting with my family. But I can't help but feel guilty that they see them. I don't show them off/purposely draw attention to them, but obviously people are going to notice them, and they will think of sad/negative things, which makes me feel guilty. I don't want people to look at me and think of sad things.

And I feel worse about all this having relapsed. I am sticking to a place now that no one will see (unless they see me naked, for some reason) with the clothes I wear. I kind of have to anyway because there's no room left on the places I used to cut, it's all just disgusting scar tissue now and barely any proper skin. But I still feel guilty for having relapsed. I've been trying to fight off any urges lately, which is new for me. I have never done that before. So, I haven't cut in a few days. I know I will cut again soon, though, that's just how my life goes.

I am so eager for when this pandemic is over and I can start covering them up with tattoos. And not just to cover up old scars, but to cover places I haven't yet cut, so that way I am forced to stop. You can't cut when you have tattoos! I mean, you can, but it's not a good idea and I know I wouldn't do it.

4:32 p.m.: I am done for real now. I will not change this site's layout ever again. If someone is reading this, you are legally obligated to punch me in the face if I ever try to change this again.

11:13 a.m.: I am irritating myself greatly, but to Hell with it! I am changing this site again. I am never happy with what I do here. I am going to make it black and white like my Listography and Tumblr blog. I wanted to have this be different, but I also want it to be the same.

25th of May, 2020

9:13 p.m.: Some people really need the people in their life to stop enabling their shitty behaviour towards others. They need the people around them to stop being nice and just tell them that no, the problem isn't with other people, it's with them. They're not the victim and they are the one that has to change.

6:29 p.m.: I wrote a lengthy entry, but deleted it all because it talks about where I live. I'm paranoid. I hate it. I didn't make this journal/site to censor myself. I honestly have no problem with random strangers on the internet knowing where I live since nobody will do anything and my family already knows about my mental health issues and drug problems. It's just that one person I mentioned a couple times before that has me paranoid. I don't know why. There's no way they're still after me. I want to stop being fearful every time I go on the internet that they're trying to find me again and ruin my life. It's over now. It's done. I need to stop worrying. I want to be as honest on this site as I planned on being when I made this. I don't know how, though. Knowing me, I'll end up deleting this in an hour or two because I'm paranoid. I'll try my best not to. Maybe that will be the first step to stop worrying about this, is to stop deleting any vague mentions of this person.

3:22 p.m.: I added the music player back. It took forever to find a brown one! This one isn't the right type of brown, but it's the best I found, so I'll use it anyway. Never again am I changing this site because finding a proper skin takes ages. It's irritating.

Today has been good so far, despite that minor nuisance. This morning, I went outside to gather some dandelions for Bunny. It's nice outside, so I'm going back outside to read after I write this. I collapsed again at 3 a.m. when I went upstairs to brew some tea. That time, I didn't vomit. I just laid there too weak and dizzy to sit up for about 20 minutes until it lessened and I could make my way back to the bedroom to sleep. That's all that's on my mind right now, so I'm off.

✟·:˚ — 24th of May, 2020 — ˚:·✟

🗝️ 10:55 p.m.: Oh, there's nothing cuter than when you leave your bunny alone downstairs for just a minute, and when you come back, she immediately starts binkying and runs over to you to cuddle!! Gosh, bunnies are so adorable. I love them. They make me happy.

🗝️ 7:47 p.m.: I need to stop posting about that. It's going to get me into trouble.

🗝️ 5:19 p.m.: It happened again. Collapsing and just laying on the floor for half an hour unable to even sit up because my body is too weak before vomiting a bunch of times. My lips also go completely white when this happens. I don't know why this happens. It's random. No one takes me seriously, Mother or the doctors, so I can't get help for it. I'm freezing.

Today is Mother's birthday. I wished her a happy birthday over text. That's all I can do. I don't want to bother her by telling her it happened again, so I'm not going to.

✟·:˚ — 23rd of May, 2020 — ˚:·✟

🗝️ 7:04 p.m.: Nevermind. I found out what's wrong. I miss A. This place reminds me of him.

Now that I know what it is, I don't want to think about it. So, I'll just complain about something trivial. Let's go with my hair.

I can't wait until this pandemic is over. I really need a haircut. It's gotten so long that I wear it in a little ponytail because it bothers my sensory issues. And I have to part my bangs in the centre now because it's too long to see if I part it how I always do. I mean, it's not a big deal obviously, I can live with it. I'm just complaining to keep my mind off A. But that's not going well if I brought him up again. And there too. Wow, I'm an idiot. Okay.

🗝️ 6:41 p.m.: My usual distractions aren't working today, and what I'm trying to distract myself from is a strange feeling. I'd say I feel empty, but not quite, as it feels bad. When you're numb, you don't feel bad. But the bad feeling I have today isn't sharp. I don't know how to explain anything. Trying to describe this emotion is difficult. Maybe I am feeling sad over something that my brain doesn't want me to think of. That happens sometimes, so I just stop distracting myself and then I figure out what's wrong. I'm trying to do that now (paying attention to my feelings), but nothing has changed. I can't cry, which is odd for me. I know I'd feel much better if I cried and let things out, but that's impossible if I don't know what to let out.

I want to go lay in the cemetery. I can't right now, though. There's not a cemetery by Mère et Père's that I can walk to.

Wait, maybe that's why I don't feel good. Maybe the dead need something from me? Maybe a headstone needs cleaning or new flowers. Or maybe they just want to talk. Hm. Well, they'll have to wait a bit.

🗝️ 4:04 p.m.: For God's sake, I spawned in a Roofed Forest. That's probably the worst place to spawn on Hardcore.

🗝️ 3:54 p.m.: I'm bored with my new/2020 Minecraft world because I'm still waiting for 1.16 to go to the Nether, so I decided I'll try out Hardcore mode. Even though I've been playing Minecraft for years now, I've never played Hardcore before. I'm probably going to die very quickly, but I think it'll be fun! I'm curious as to how long I can last.

✟·:˚ — 22nd of May, 2020 — ˚:·✟

🗝️ 9:04 p.m.: I'm on seven different medications right now and having to keep track of them all is driving me absolutely insane.

🗝️ 7:55 p.m.: Eh, I forgot to bring my music equipment. Whatever, though, it's fine. I'll just spend more time studying.

🗝️ 7:15 p.m.: It's hard to change for the better. I know I will never be a good person, but I will try my best to improve myself in the minor ways I can. One thing I've been working on is to stop unnecessarily apologizing. Instead, I'm trying to thank others. For example, instead of saying, "Sorry for being late," it's better to say, "Thank you for waiting for me." It makes others feel better than if you were to apologize for something so trivial/make them feel like they have to stop you from feeling sorry. I'm also trying to remind myself that being rude doesn't make others change their opinions. If you want someone to consider your point of view, you have to understand why they feel the way they do and be patient. I've known that for the longest time, and I've been trying to work on it, but I still let my anger issues get in the way. I'm a very impatient person. I used to be extremely rude to anyone that didn't agree with me. All that does is make people disagree with you more and ruin any chance of them ever listening to what you have to say. Often, it just strengthens their beliefs and makes them sink further into their radical ideology... It encourages the Us-vs-Them mentality. And, related to that, I'm trying harder to ignore things that irritate me if it doesn't matter greatly. Not everyone with a different opinion is worth debating with. It should only matter if it's someone close to me or if the person is harming someone because of their opinions. That is something I've improved on over the past few months, but not enough. I keep slipping up every now and then, and I hate it. I need to stop completely.

Struggling with low empathy makes it very hard. I will try to always remember that even though I can not bring myself to care about someone's feelings most of the time, that they still have feelings. Doesn't matter any if I can't empathize with them. There's no excuse. When I wrote above that I have to understand why a person feels the way they do, I will have to do that in my own way because of my low empathy. I'll have to think of what makes me feel bad and use that. Of course, that's not perfect, because no one can ever truly understand another person as we all have different brains (especially when you're talking about an autistic schizophrenic, my brain is highly "abnormal"). But it's better than nothing, yes? Yes.

I don't want to be like my father or my sister. I hate how much I remind myself of my father.

🗝️ 4:05 p.m.: I'm at Mère et Père's now!! I feel better. I'm high, as always. Going to just lay here for a bit and then I'll go outside to smoke on my favourite little bridge and listen to music :-)

🗝️ 4:12 a.m.: I accidentally deleted the music player again. I'll add it back later... I'm exhausted, but I'm not allowed to sleep.

🗝️ 1:47 a.m.: As always when I change this site, I'm not going through all of these entries to style them the "new" way. I only did it for today and the 21st.

This design is a lot uglier, but it's more useful, which is what matters. The middle column is wider, and since this site is text-heavy, it should've been wider in the first place.

The header is Dominic Savio. He's one of my biggest inspirations to be a better person, so I thought it'd be nice to have that reminder here since I come here to vent and find comfort in my negative traits. Obviously, I will still vent here and continue to be an unpleasant person, but I think it will help some.

I am visiting Mère et Père tomorrow! Excited.

🗝️ 12:11 a.m.: The new design I'm working on... when I look at it, I smell old books. Probably because that's what I'm trying to go for. But I mean, I actually smell old books like I have one of my books open in front of my face.

✟·:˚ — 21st of May, 2020 — ˚:·✟

🗝️ 9:59 p.m.: I can't figure out how to get a button that brings you back to the top of the page when you start scrolling down. I think I'll just have to stick with the text/link on the very bottom, but that's not convenient since you have to scroll all the way down to get to it. This is annoying. I'm trash at coding. All I do is type random things until things start to look somewhat OK on my screen and call it a day.

🗝️ 8:41 p.m.: All I've wanted to do today is make more lists, but Listography has been down all day. So, to deal with my boredom, I decided to waste time coming up with a different design for this. I might change it later.

🗝️ 10:01 a.m.: I'm aware this is silly and considered idiotic semantics by many, but I hate saying I "own" a bunny. I don't care if other people say that, but it's hard for me to say that. I feel uncomfortable claiming that. I prefer to say I befriended a bunny instead.

And, honestly, if someone were to own anyone here, it's my bunny that would own me. Every day, I am bullied by this creature under 1kg. She has eaten off all my toes in my sleep and my fingers are next. This is a cry for help. (I'm not being serious.)

🗝️ 9:29 a.m.: I woke up a few minutes ago. I'm freezing and my hands are bad again. All healing progress is gone because they're bleeding again. I hate this disease.

🗝️ 2:04 a.m.: I take every excuse I get to gush about men... Every second of every day, my heart is BURSTING with LOVE for MEN, and all I want to do is SCREAM about how INCREDIBLE MEN ARE and how much I LOVE them. And I do not feel bad. I love loving men. If I were supposed to feel bad about loving men, why would God make men so perfect? Of course God knew that men are going to fall in love with each other... God intended it to be that way... I love men and I want nothing more than for all men to succeed and be happy and love themselves just as much as I love them. I'm really high and I'm just thinking about MEN and I needed to write this. Wow, men are incredible. Love men.

🗝️ 12:25 a.m.: THE BOOK IS FINALLY HERE!!

20th of May, 2020

🗝️ 10:56 p.m.: Tattoos are the only thing that can stop me from cutting. So, I have to get every inch of my skin tattooed.

🗝️ 8:43 p.m.: I AM GOING TO VISIT MÈRE ET PÈRE!! Lucius is very happy! Lucius just got done hopping and flapping his hands! I can stay there for as long as I want!!!!! Lucius is so happy, he started crying!

But Lucius wishes he was with Mother more than anyone else.

I miss her so much and I wish I could be there with her on her birthday.

I don't want to be sad again! I can't think about this, or else I get sad. Um. I leave either tomorrow or overmorrow! I can't wait to drink all their alcohol

Speaking of alcohol, I hate coffee because it is bitter, but I love whisky??? It's my favourite. I don't understand how my brain works.

🗝️ 5:19 p.m.: Before Mother left this time (she has been gone before, but came back for a bit and then left again in... December, I think?), she tried to get me to come with her. She wants to live there. She was trying to convince me to go with her because she wants me to see how it is there, and live there with her. We had a conversation about it that opened my eyes a bit. She explained how she was happy there, and that my father is doing better there (that's not true, though). And that she wants me to go with her. Not my sister. Me, Lucius. She expressed how she thinks I will get better and be happier if I lived there with her because of how different it is there. She said everything there is beautiful. The wildlife, scenery, and the people. It touched me, so I told her I would go there for a few months with her to see if I like it. She bought tickets for the both of us. But when the time came, I refused to go. And she tried to put me back in the psychiatric ward (unsuccessfully, the hospital staff decided I didn't have to be there) when I absent-mindedly let it slip that I was going to die before I'm 18. She was so sad and cried a lot. But I still refused. And so she wasted money on me since she couldn't return the ticket. She left on her own. And she doesn't trust me, so that's why my sister and C are monitoring me.

I feel very bad about it.

I wish I went with her.

The only thing that makes me hesitate still is my father. If it wasn't for my father, I would happily live there with her. I don't want to see him. I never want to see him again. He hasn't been in my life for around a year now, I think? Because he's been over there. Even when Mother came back home, my father stayed there. And it was really nice to be alone with Mother. I got to spend time with her like I never got to before.

She says he has gotten better, but I know that's not true. Because one time when I called her, she was sobbing. And I found out my father has been cheating on her. They don't know that I know, she's trying to keep it a secret from me. But I know anyway. And I know that's not something Mother would put up with, I know she'd snap and draw the line there. If she was able to. But they're still together, so... that makes me think it's only gotten worse.

And she said many times before, back when he was still around here, that he was better. Therapy and drugs helped him. Such an obvious lie. I could still hear him screaming at her from my room often. I could still hear her crying from my room often. I still walked in on her sobbing often. The only thing that got better at all was how he treated me. Because I didn't have to deal with him as often since he started spending most of his time laying in his bed stoned. Or he would be out by himself doing only God knows what when he wasn't laying there stoned. So that doesn't help me believe her when she says he as "actually gotten better this time".

But sadly, he will come back in my life soon, whether I go there or not. Because Mother said when she's coming back home once the COVID-19 stuff is over, my father is coming with her. He'll only be here for a few months, she said, but that still frightens me. I don't want to see him for even a second!

I feel terrible for being angry at her that she didn't divorce him. I know how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship, yet I am still angry about it. I am angry that I had to grow up scared and sad and lonely because of their dysfunctional marriage. When I was younger, I always tried to help Mother. 5-year-old Lucius tried to stand up to his father when he hurt Mother. But then Mother would take her anger out at me, and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what I did wrong by trying to help her. I still don't. So I had to stop trying to help her because I became scared of her, but I still feel tremendous guilt of not helping her. And when I was 14, I decided to try and start helping her again. And then my father got a lot worse and threatened to kill me and my sister encouraged my father/joined in with threatening me. And Mother didn't seem to care at all. And so then I moved on to trying to help Mother in private. I started to talk to her about how she didn't deserve this and that he's abusing her. Eventually, she realized that she was being abused, and she told me that if he didn't get better, she was going to get a divorce. I was so happy. I can't describe how happy I was. I knew he would never change, which made me happy, because I did not want him around even if he did magically get better because of how much damage he did. Maybe that was a little messed up on my end to hope for that outcome instead of the magical fairytale one. But it doesn't matter. Because he never got better and she never got a divorce.

And that makes me so angry. Why did Mother make me go through all of that? I know I shouldn't make it about me, but I can't help it. I am selfish and only think of myself.

I have prayed every day that my father will just die already. I am still praying for that. When he dies, maybe I can be happy. Maybe I can fix my relationship with Mother. But I can't as long as he is still in our lives.

Mother told me she was lonely yesterday.

Her birthday is in four days. I can't do anything for it.

I feel like shit.

I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. Life is a chore. I'm so fucking tired of venting on this stupid site because nothing ever gets better. All I want is for this to stop. I want to stop feeling like shit every goddamn second. No therapy or hospitalizations or medications help. I can get high and drunk but that's always short-lived. And once I'm sober, things are worse. Because drugs just cover the pain for a bit they don't fix anything. Instead, they'll destroy your body and brain even more. I have brain damage. I have chronic pain/physical damage. Worsens my schizophrenia and autism. Because of all the drugs. And I keep doing them anyway because even though I know they hurt me more in the end the few hours of numbness is worth it when nothing else helps at all. Nothing besides drugs make me happy anymore. And nowadays drugs aren't even a fool-proof way for me to be happy. Because often now I'll get fucked up expecting to have a break from the pain but it doesn't work and the drugs just amplify the pain so I'm feeling much worse than before when I was sober.

I've actually become embarrassed from this site, too. Because when I made it, I didn't know Neocities was a social media. I didn't know the there was a "social" part. And now I see views on this and I feel embarrassed and paranoid. I wanted a place to write my thoughts but not have 8000+ people see it. Maybe just one or two people who randomly stumble upon it so it's not completely screaming into the void, but not so many people. I don't know what to do about it. I hate being fake, so I hate being embarrassed. Why does it matter??? None of these people know me anyway. I want to not care and ignore it and continue using this site.

🗝️ 5:15 p.m.: Mother has problems with her memory. She'll probably forget about me soon. She won't know who I am.

Maybe that's for the best.

Still hurts to think about, though.

🗝️ 2:31 p.m.: I did end up falling asleep eventually. And my power is back, so I'm posting what I wrote last night with this.

I put my collar on Mimikyu! Now he's fashionable.

But it's too big, sadly, so he will not wear it forever. It was still cute, though! Pierce his "ears" and make him Extra Cool. (I won't do that, though, because that's Mimikyu abuse.)

🗝️ 2:28 a.m.: My power went out, so I'm writing this to post later.

When my power went out, I decided to sleep since I have nothing else to do. I can't sleep, though. I've been laying here, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how sad I feel.

I hate being this way. Sad. I wish I could be helped. Though I understand after years of mental health workers trying to help me that it's not possible. There's too much wrong in my life. And even if those problems in my life were to magically be fixed, there's still a lot wrong with me. Everything about me is wrong, if I'm being honest. And I can't change no matter what.

I usually feel hopeless, but there are times when I do have some hope. I hate when I have hope because hope is pain. Hope is irrational. Hope will sometimes make me decide to not end it when I have the chance because maybe things can get better. But it never does. The hope quickly leaves and I am regretful of not killing myself when I could've. Hope serves no purpose for me other than to keep me here longer, just so I can suffer more. Hope is Hell.

I can't remember where I heard this, but it always stuck with me. It was a description of Hell. They said that Hell is not hopeless. Rather, Hell relies on hope. Not a lot of hope, though, just a speck of it. Just enough so that whatever bad thing happens next still hurts. If you were truly hopeless, you'd become numb to the pain, as you have no other option but to accept it, and therefore the punishment loses its impact. I have to agree with that.

I feel lonely. I don't like admitting that. I never have. It's probably one of the hardest things for me to admit. I prefer to lie to myself, pretend that I don't need a friend. It's not because I am afraid of being weak. Obviously not! I am open about being weak. It's hard for me to admit because I am afraid of trying to find a solution to my loneliness. I'm afraid that if I acknowledge I am lonely, I will try to make a friend. That has happened in the past, and each and every time, I hurt them. I hurt whoever I get close to. I hate that no matter how I say that, it always sounds like I'm being "edgy" and not real. It's the stockphrase of a million 12-year-olds fetishizing mental illness and trying to seem cool because they watch too much anime. But it's true, sadly. It's never my intention to hurt the people I love, but I do it anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I go on about how much I hate abusers, but I am one. An emotional abuser. I am so obsessive and possessive. I'm a stalker. I get angry when a friend talks to or interacts with anyone else, even if it's just a family member of theirs. I throw a temper tantrum and threaten to kill myself (when I threatened suicide, I was always serious about doing it/had plans, but it's still wrong to dump that on someone and purposely make them feel guilty for it) so they focus all their attention on me instead. I want to be with them constantly. I drain them of all their energy and take away all their freedom. I make them feel obligated to take care of and baby me. I only ever think about what makes me feel a bit better in the moment and never about how they feel.

In my perfect world, I'd have a friend that only pays attention to me because they WANT to, not because they feel forced to. Only does things for me. Takes care of me. Priortizes me over everything else, including themselves. Never leaves my side. Not just figuratively, but literally. They'd stalk me just like I stalk them. Or, even better, they wouldn't allow me to leave them, just like I wouldn't allow them to leave me.

But that's not possible. There exists no human like that. I feel extremely guilty for wanting that. And what I wrote is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a lot worse I dream of. A lot more unrealistic, especially physically. For example, I'd want to cut us both in half and stitch us together to make us one person. That's so unrealistic and creepy. I'm creepy. I'm just a creepy obsessive stalker.

And so, I decided after my ex left me, that I won't ever have a friend again. After 17 years of this, I finally decided to put others before me in some way. So far, I have kept up with this promise. But I'm terrified one day I'll break it and reach out to someone, and the same bad things will happen. Everyone needs attention and at least one friend. I will forever have the urge to reach out to someone and try to befriend them, even though I know how selfish and wrong it is of me. I don't want to hurt anyone I love anymore. I'm a monster. I hate myself.

There's someone I've wanted to reach out to a lot the past month or two. They're not doing well. I want to help them. But I know that even though I have good intentions now, after a while, I'll go back to being a selfish monster and just make everything worse for him. So, not taking that chance. But I still feel so guilty. He's so alone and is exactly like A. It hurts a lot to know there's nothing I can do. I pray someone else, someone better than me and won't end up hurting him, reaches out to him before he does something bad to himself.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

19th of May, 2020

🗝️ 9:42 p.m.: I remember the night Mother opened up to me and told me she was raped. I think that might've been one of the worst nights of my life. I've always believed (knew) sexual abuse was the worst thing a human can experience, so. It bothered me a lot to find that out. I'm so angry at the world. The world's so cruel.

It bothered me so much that I remembered it, even though I was fucked up on alcohol and opioids and benzos. The rest of it, I was blacked out, I can't remember any of it. But I remember her telling me she was raped because of how upset I was at life and the world and God for letting that happen. A part of me wishes I was never told that so I didn't have to know. But also a part of me is glad she let me know, because now I understand her a bit better, even if only a tiny bit. But fuck, I wish she never told me that because it never happened more than either of those two.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I am the product of the rape. I don't know, though. She never told me when it happened or who did it. She kept it vague, which I'm glad. I don't need to know when or by who, that's none of my business. But also I hate considering that I'm the product of it. If I ever find out for certain that I am, I will kill myself on the spot. I could not handle that.

🗝️ 9:30 p.m.: I wish Mother was happy. I wish she didn't have Depression. I wish she wasn't raped. I wish she didn't have an abusive husband and daughter. I wish she didn't have a good-for-nothing, pathetic, disabled loser as a son.

Wishing is so stupid. It doesn't do anything. I wish I would stop wishing. God, that's the most idiotic sentence I think I've written on all of this site.

It just hurts a lot to know she's not happy. She's never been happy for as long as I've known her, as long as I've been alive. I don't know if she was happy before I was born. It's strange to think about just how little I know of Mother. She's a mystery to me. I wish I knew more.

🗝️ 8:42 p.m.: I can't even hide behind a defence of making others happy to justify my life. Because I do not make anyone happy. No one loves me. No one gets any sort of joy or happy feeling from my existence.

🗝️ 8:20 p.m.: I feel guilty constantly. I hate myself so much. I hate being this good-for-nothing disabled loser. All I do is stress people out, especially Mother, the only person still here that I care about. I hate thinking of how I ruined her life, but my brain makes me think of it all the time. And that's good. It's what I deserve, to feel terrible. But obviously I do not want to feel terrible, that's part of my terribleness, to be hesitant to punishment. And it extends past Mother, too. It extends to society and the whole world. There really is nothing redeeming about me. I am defective. How the fuck am I supposed to cope when I am not giving back anything, in any way, to anyone? All I do is take. And for something that's not good enough. I shouldn't be given anything, I cannot change. Everything I'm ever given should be given to people who can actually change, who can one day become productive humans. Not me. I just exist to waste shit.

🗝️ 7:40 p.m.: I want Mother to come back home already. I am stressed. I've recently started telling her about what they are doing, and Mother agrees that it's not OK and they need to stop. So, she messages and calls them telling them to actually help me, but they refuse to. And there's nothing else Mother can do about it because she's stuck in another country until all the COVID-19 stuff is over.

I feel terrible about telling Mother what's happening. That's why it has took so long for me to tell her about that. She said that I shouldn't feel bad about it and I am not being bad or complaining by letting her know. I still feel bad often, but she told/reminded me of something that gives me the courage to tell her. And that is that C is only allowed to live here temporarily if he is being good. Because he is not family. He's just my sister's boyfriend. Mother is under no obligation to help him out. She actually dislikes him but has only allowed him to stay here to help my sister take care of me and under strict obligations. And they aren't doing any of that. They're wasting Mother's money and resources. And, I mean, I am too, and I feel terrible about that, as I vent about it constantly. But... Add on top of how stressful I am for Mother, two grown adults taking advantage of my sister's connection to Mother and wasting Mother's money while not taking care of me and other rules she set out for them... Okay, that makes me VERY angry and is what helps me to tell Mother about it.

I just wish something could actually be done. Mother can't do any more than call or text telling them to smarten up. I can't do anything at all. I'm too terrified of them. I can't even ask them to buy me food. I have to text Mother and ask her to tell them to buy food for me because I'm scared of them and 99% of the time, they don't even listen to Mother and buy me food. I am terrified because, what am I to do if they get angry at me? C hasn't physically hurt me (yet), but my sister did every day growing up, so... I imagine C would have no complaints if he's dating the genuine psychopath that is my sister. And also since C is clearly a terrible person that calls people racial slurs and threatens people all the time, I think I have a pretty rational fear that one day he'll hatecrime me for being LGBT or something.

Oh, to add on to how much I hate them... They are both unemployed despite being COMPLETELY ABLE TO WORK. Unlike me, they are not disabled. They just choose not to anymore. They stopped working after Mother left and realized they can use all the money Mother sends them to take care of me for their own wants. I can't wait until Mother gets back and they have no money to steal anymore. I hate anyone that disrespects Mother and that includes me, obviously, I may complain about people mistreating her but I am a terrible son myself. I sincerely hope that if Hell exists, that is where they are going.

And related to all this, I just texted Mother, about to tell her it's still happening. But when I asked how she's doing, she said she doesn't feel the best, so... I'm not going to tell her today. Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to make her feel any worse. I love her. I'll just put up with it.

🗝️ 3:21 p.m.: I mean, people can believe whatever they want. But that also means that I'm allowed to believe that they are disgusting rotters that take advantage of people's fear of the uncertainty of the future and scam them continually as they keep coming back in desperation instead of recommending they go to therapy and learn healthy ways to cope.

🗝️ 3:14 p.m.: Can't believe there's people who say, "I believe (insert person) will die one day," and then think they can see the future in 4K Ultra HD.

🗝️ 2:11 p.m.: The Reverend Carol Stone was super cool and I wish she was more well-known because I think her story is important for LGBT people drawn to religion but are terrified there's no place for them to be accepted.

18th of May, 2020

🗝️ 6:05 p.m.: I don't like to talk about suicide plans in case they don't follow through and/or someone reports it to my family/mental health team/police. But I am so stressed of keeping this locked inside this stupid head of mine, so I'm going to be honest and say that for the past month I've been looking for a nice abandoned church to kill myself in. I never cared about where I killed myself in the past, obviously, with the previous attempts, but since I have at least a couple months left, I might as well take the time to find a nice spot.

There is an abandoned church I remember that I would love to die in, but I don't remember where it is. I think it might be hours away, anyway, so... It's probably not an option. I have to look for other ones.

It doesn't need to be deep in the forest, but it has to be hidden by some trees.

There's really no reason to not do it. Not only would I not have a future/good life if I lived, but I would die probably in the next few months even without killing myself. All the years of drug addiction and starving myself is catching up to me. And on top of that, I have died under 18 years old in all my past lives and I think there's a reason for that. The reason being a dead person/ghost cannot live in a human body for long. My organs are rotting inside me.

I think I will be forced back on this planet again. I have not changed. I have not made up for my sins. God still hates me, and so He will punish me again by dropping me back off to this miserable world. And it scares me, to think that I will come back. But I am so tired and so desperate at this point, that I will cling to the hope I will die for real this time.

I'm still going to be here for a while, though. There'll be plenty of more incoherent ramblings added to this page until then for anyone that stumbles upon this to laugh at.

🗝️ 5:49 p.m.: I deleted Crybaby/vent page because there's no point to it. I vent here. It was just taking up space.

🗝️ 5:43 p.m.: Face tattoos are still art, just like any other tattoo. The placement doesn't change that. People are so gross. If you don't like someone's body mods, that's fine, people are allowed to have their tastes. But it's none of your business and not your place to comment. People don't exist to be attractive to you. Get the fuck over yourself.

🗝️ 2:48 p.m.: Yay!! I'm finally able to get into the art of throwing knives. Maybe a circus will hire me and I'll actually have a future (where I get to throw knives at real human beings and not go to jail)!

But seriously, I've always been interested in it. I love knives. I used to collect pocket knives until they took them all away from me for being crazy. But they're letting me collect knives again, so!!! I will take this opportunity to take up a hobby I've wanted to have since I was young.

🗝️ 2:22 p.m.: I'm feeling a lot better now. I haven't laughed this hard in years.

🗝️ 10:55 a.m.: I'm experiencing a lot of different intense emotions right now. I decided to delete my old email, but first I wanted to check through everything to see if there's anything important I should save. And I'm so glad I did. I found a bunch of messages with him. I thought those messages and all the art of his I had were lost, and, well, most of them are, but there's some in my emails. And I'm just reading it all and sobbing. The only messages in my emails are all from him, I can't see what I replied with. I'm going to write down the most meaningful ones to me here, just to be extra safe (I will screenshot everything, but in case my computer unexpectedly breaks, I want to be able to visit this site and remember).

"you are wanted you are loved we all care about you please talk to me if you want. i'm always here for you and i'll get back as soon as i can ♥"

" trust me bro i really don't mind being your road to walk on i'm totally okay with this i wouldn't be offering if i didn't mean it. i really care about you man i truly don't mind."

"I know it's hard to see when she treats you so poorly but it's in her.. somewhere.. my mom put money before my safety.. she didnt care if i ended my life at one point but i know she loves me.. just hard to see sometimes"

"I'm so sorry.. You are absolutely not a horrible person you are fucking awesome dude for real. some people are just so lost in their own mind they cant realize how much theyre hurting someone.."

" i'm ALWAYS here for you!"

":D im glad ♥ love u like a brother man"

"oooh i didnt see that message ^^^ You Too!!!! kevin said that im really draining and he said "i dont hate anyone, but yes you were very draining at times, that doesnt mean i dont like you though." and apparently according to him "imma be straight up max said she never liked you since you guys met" and like bro that shit hurts im like so pissed like why would they say all the shit they did to make me feel wanted n shit like wotttttttttttttt (im high sorry! love u) just wanted to update u on the situation bc i feel i dont have anyone else to vent to ;-;"

"Thank you so much.. I'm okay.. I took 4 bottles of pills but I threw up shortly after.. I feel like complete shit but I'm here so whatever"

"It's not ur fault I'm just really in a strange mental space.. like I've come to terms with death and I'm okay with not being here anymore.. I felt like I was finally not gonna have to deal with reality and then I just throw up violently foe like an hour so like wtf"

"I get what ur saying I just feel like no one actually wants me ;-;" I wanted you

"I'm sorry for making you worry.. I really thought I wasn't gonna be here and just wanted to be honest with everyone :("

"gimme discord link!!!!!!!! i love u!! ♥"

"if u die im killing myself" You did it anyway and I'm still here

"ily2 goodnight"

i luv u... more than french toast! This one always stuck with me because of how silly it was. He randomly said this in response to me talking about how much I love French Toast.

There's so much more. More messages that I'll never read again because they're lost forever, as well as all the things he spoke to me. All the nights we spent together doing dangerous things but having fun and all the other memories. And my memory is so bad, that I have an extremely hard time remembering any of it, even though I love him so much. So finding messages, that is comforting, because I know that even if I completely lose all the memories I have of him, I can still read the messages and remember that much at least. Maybe later I will write down as many memories as I can remember, so that way I can come back and read it so I make sure to never forget any that's left.

He promised me we were going to live together in a shitty bus and do drugs constantly and not worry about anything and we could be free from our parents. That gave me motivation to keep living. He's gone, though, and I'm all alone. And it's all my fault. Imagine being the reason the person you love the most jumped in front of a fucking train and died one of the worst deaths possible. That's why I hate myself so fucking much.

Fuck life. There's nothing good about it now that he's gone. He was the only beautiful thing in this world full of ugly cruelty. I'll never forgive myself. And neither will his family or friends, so... I have no connection to any of them anymore because they all despise me. That's why I don't have anything to remember him by besides my unreliable memory and those few messages I found. And also why I didn't get to go to his funeral. At least I'm getting what I deserve.

It bothers me greatly knowing that I won't change even after all of that. I will forever be a burden, and if I ever get close to someone again, the same thing will happen. I am so burdensome that I make people kill themselves to escape me.

I can't talk to anyone about it because that is what makes me a burden. Dumping all my emotional baggage on people. It's too heavy for anyone to bear and I just wear them down with my unlovable, selfish personality. I always hurt people that matter to me and it doesn't matter that I don't want to because I do it anyway. Because getting short-lived attention and sympathy and understanding from them is more important than the people I allegedly care about. Always repeating the same mistakes because I never learn.

I'm so drained after writing this.

I'm going to go get drunk or high or both I don't know. I just need some distraction. Make it go away for a little bit.

🗝️ 9:55 a.m.: What the heck was wrong with me when I was younger? How did I ever enjoy this? I had such terrible taste.

🗝️ 7:43 a.m.: I am exhausted. I want to sleep, but I am not allowed. Sleep is not something Lucius deserves.

I am allowing myself to eat, but I can't bring myself to. Thinking of eating right now, it makes me feel excrutiatingly guilty because it is not something I deserve, even though I say, "It is fine now to eat if you'd like." (Because if I am to make now the chosen sleeplessness(?), it is OK to eat some, and then I resume not eating once I let myself sleep.) So guilty Lucius feels. It makes me cry and want to cut and flog myself to make up for the thought of eating.

I need to be pure, that is most important. I don't want to be filthy. Why can't I be innocent? Who am I asking, it is all my fault, anyway. I feel very sick. I know now I should at least drink some water, but I can't do that either. Not only do I feel guilty if I did that, but my throat tightens(?) when I think of drinking water. The taste right now is something that's disgusting to the point I cannot handle it. Maybe I will just brew some tea instead.

I need to take the medication, too, but the medication is supposed to be taken with lots of water. He thinks he will just skip it for now, until he's able to drink water.

I will go play Minecraft or work on my Listography for now. Maybe in a bit I will feel better.

🗝️ 3:47 a.m.: I cannot believe this man is 31 years old!? He looks 23 at most. What's his secret?????

🗝️ 2:35 a.m.: I think my obsession with priests is starting to get a bit too much because every day I try to think of ways to get a priest to fall in love with me despite the obvious problems of celibacy and age difference (and it being gay). I've completely abandoned Younger Lucius' unhealthy habit of getting involved with older women because of mommy issues and instead replaced it with priests.

But anyway, listening to a priest gush about his favourite music is probably the purest and most joyful thing I've ever experienced. My heart is melting. All I want to do is cherish him. And stalk him. And make him fall in love with me.

I won't, though. I know my place.

17th of May, 2020

🗝️ 11:05 p.m.: Minecraft should add puffins. Why have parrots but not sea parrots?? I will not rest until I have puffins in my Minecraft world.

🗝️ 10:34 p.m.: The only thing that's new about 'New' Atheists is how much pride they take in being abusive, religiously illiterate, hypocritical bigots. They give normal atheists a terrible name. I really hate anyone that prides themselves on being religiously illiterate, though, and it's not just limited to New Atheists. Plenty of religious people are religiously illiterate, even on their own religion. It blows my mind. I understand that not everyone is a religious studies nerd, and that there are so many religions out there it's impossible to know everything, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't understand the very basics of religion in general or take pride in not knowing/being rude. Also, it's absolutely idiotic that public schools will force kids, including disabled kids that CAN'T understand, to learn about complex topics that they will never ever use in their entire life, but refuse to have religious studies classes that will make the world a slightly better place if more people learnt about it. For God's sake, there's no excuse. Religious studies isn't theology. You wouldn't be forcing kids into a religion. You would be teaching them the importance of religion in people's personal lives and how it affects the world on a larger scale, as well as how to not be a piece of shit for no reason. Because religious illiteracy leads to racism/xenophobia, ableism, war, suppression of free speech and religious freedom, and pretty much every bigoted thing in existence. Understanding religion is important.

And understanding religion doesn't mean blindly accepting/agreeing with everything about a religion and never criticizing it/allowing human rights violation to run rampant. A lot of people don't seem to understand that part either.

🗝️ 9:27 p.m.: Mother was not angry at me at all! She video-called(?) me and showed me Coco playing around. Coco is adorable, but apparently she might have cancer, and I might not be able to meet her. Coco is going to see the vet tomorrow. I hope I get to meet Coco, but if I don't, it's OK. Because Coco will get to spend the last of her days happy with Mother taking care of her. If Mother never rescued her, Coco would've spent the last of her life all alone and sad and suffering. Coco now likes the kittens Mother is fostering, but she thinks she's small like the kittens! She doesn't understand how rough she is with them! It's really cute, but sometimes she plays way too rough for the little kittens. But she's having a lot of fun and being very energetic. I am glad Coco is happy.

Mother also showed me a video of her feeding a bunch of iguanas!!! She was throwing plantains to them, and new iguanas would just continue crawling down trees to go eat the plantains. AND SOME OF THEM WERE ABSOLUTELY GIGANTIC!!! It was incredible!!! I didn't know iguanas could be that big. We don't have iguanas here. We don't have a lot of things here. But we do have Atlantic puffins, and that makes up for all we lack!

Crap, I love puffins... I wish you could have a puffin as a pet. I mean, not as in I wish it was legal, but I wish it wasn't bad for puffins. I wish it'd benefit them. But it doesn't, so I will just admire them as a stranger.

🗝️ 5:42 p.m.: I might be able to visit Mère et Père!! I WANT TO VISIT THEM SO BADLY! AND I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER AND C!! But I do not know for certain if I can visit yet. I am worried with COVID-19. I do not have it, I think is safe to say considering I rarely leave my house, but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to take any chances of getting them sick. I'd feel terrible if I got them sick.

Things if I visit:

It is a very nice place in general. I wish I was raised by Mère et Père instead. I feel like if they raised me, I would be much happier and in better condition both physically and mentally. I also would be able to speak the language like I should be able to, which is admittedly a stupid insecurity of mine.

It always surprises me how, despite being Christian grand-parents, they are the most open-minded people in my entire family. They break the stereotypes. They do not mind my body mods or my mental illnesses or my autism or that I'm LGBT. They are so sweet. PURE. The perfect example of how Christians should be! Full of love!

🗝️ 4:57 p.m.: I am grateful my sister did not find it suspicious when I asked for 9 metres of rope. I do not want to be asked what I need it for because, what am I supposed to answer with? "I need it to make a scourge and flog myself daily because I am a sinner." They will instantly lock me back up in the loony bin and they will emotionally hurt me again and make it so that I am once again empty, with no opinions or beliefs of my own, no meaning and no spirituality or religion, because everything I have an opinion on is just the schizophrenia. I have no personality or individuality, all I am is schizophrenia.

🗝️ 3:16 p.m.: I finished it. The first part was going well, I was doing it exactly how I was supposed to. But when it got to the knots on the handle, I struggled and decided to just do whatever works. So, it looks terrible, but it functions. I imagine it doesn't function as well as how it's supposed to, but this is fine for now. This one is temporary. I tested it out.

🗝️ 3:42 a.m.: Three hours? Three hours? How has it been three hours? My hands, they are so very torn up. They are largely numband unable to move them but there's a very faint but very painful sting in my fingertips despite the numbess. It hurts a lot but I'm fine. I didn't notice anything that was happening. There's no way it's been three hours, it's only been a minute..

Ow, it really really hurts. I've noticed that for some reason there's strange patterns that form in my skin . My arm hurts. I think there's someone outside my window. So I'm just going to go to sleep now because the tried and true method of escaping the monsters who hurt me in my sleep is to hide under the blanket entirely. You have to keep your head under the blanket, and you have to tuck the blanket in right under you so they can't peek under and the blanket doesn't rise up any to allow them to see me because they will notice even the tiniest visuals. You also can't move because they will notice you and you need to breathe extremely quietly. So. I should go do that before bad things happen. Meth head correction. I love you

Does any of this make any sense? I'm not really thinking right now, I'm just writing what this thing is telling me to write right now. I don't have the time or brain power to think about any of it. I hate that I have to do so many formatting things on entries I just want to write my thoughts and that's it maybe I should just start using tumblr blog as my journal again. Okay I'm done. I

16th of May, 2020

🗝️ 11:43 p.m.: I feel, so bad, and so guilty. I'm a terrible son. I'm supposed to be good and do what makes Mother happy and proud. But I always go out of my way to make her unhappy, by speaking out and being a burdensome retarded lunatic with no skills and no future. If she is angry at me, I should accept it and deal with the consequences because I am a bad son. But I am still so scared of being punished by someone else, especially her. So is it OK if I punish myself instead? It isn't, I know that, because I am fine with punishing myself. And you shouldn't be fine with punishment, right? But I am still too much of a coward. I will just punish myself to cope with the guilt. I'll make the scourge now, it is perfect I have decided to make it tonight, when I have been very bad. The first time I use such a thing will be when I have upset the person that's supposed to come first, before anyone else. It is fitting.

🗝️ 11:38 p.m.: I cannot stay sober, I am too frightened. I need to calm down. But I tried. A day and a half, that's better than nothing.

🗝️ 11:30 p.m.: Uh oh, I think I might've made a really big mistake and Mother will punish me because I spoke out.

I mean, she can't do anything right now because she's not here. But she can to an extent, actually. She can still message me mean things or call me and say mean things and I won't block her because it's Mother. Or she could get my sister or C to do something to me.

Why do I continue to speak out when I know all it will do is get me punished??? I'm so stupid!!!

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I hope I'm just being paranoid. Maybe she won't be angry at me and I'll be fine. I don't like it when people are angry at me, it's really scary.

🗝️ 10:31 p.m.: Never trust a person that types smiley faces without some sort of nose. That's the only life advice I can give.

🗝️ 10:19 p.m.: I think I have all I need to make my scourge. But, this one will be temporary because I do not like the rope I am using. I will just use it until I get a better rope soon to make a better scourge. It will also be good to practice making one. It might not go so well because my motor skills are not that great, but I will try my best.

🗝️ 8:02 p.m.: Everything is OK. My brain is just being mean. I am scared, but everything is OK. I'm fine.

I saw some things, but they're not real. So I'm fine.

I haven't taken medication since I saw the doctor because the new medication she gave me temporarily can't be taken in certain time around my other medications, so it was really hard for my unintelligent brain to do that, so I decided to stop taking all medications until I can stop the new one. But maybe I should take them anyway.

I am grateful I am lucid enough to understand this isn't real. Everything is OK.

🗝️ 7:41 p.m.: Uh. When I was there a few minutes ago, the door was closed. I just noticed the door is somehow open. I didn't open it. I don't know if I'm hallucinating or if somebody broke in. I don't hear anyone? But I know I didn't open the door. Nothing could've opened the door, I'm home alone.

🗝️ 7:32 p.m.: I need to break my habit of stabbing things when I'm angry because I know one day I will end up stabbing someone and get locked up in prison where I'll be everyone's favourite sex slave since I have the body of a 12-year-old and cannot defend myself.

It'd be nice to stop crying when I get angry, too. I cry so much! I cry when I'm sad or happy or angry or scared.

🗝️ 4:47 p.m.: I don't know if I can finish today. I don't feel good.

I'm going to start using the asceticism page. I don't know how I should set it up, though, so it'll be messy until I figure it out.

I decided that I will not link it, like the other pages, because I do not want it to seem that I'm encouraging those behaviours. I just want to keep record of what I am doing. I'll put warnings on the top, so just in case anyone stumbles upon it, they don't accidentally view upsetting things.

I am not concerned of people viewing it if it doesn't upset them. If someone is curious, they can look. I think it can possibly help someone with religious literacy.

🗝️ 3:50 a.m.: I have managed one day sober. Now, just one more day, and then I can go back to being pathetic. Maybe I'll try three days if I can manage, but no longer than that, for sure.

I wrote a whole bunch, but I deleted it all because I was rambling about so many unrelated things.

And an hour has passed because of how much I had written. Kind of bothered I deleted it now. I didn't realize how much time passed! I should've just posted it even if it were ramblings because of the time I wasted on it.

🗝️ 2:46 a.m.: Lucius is deleting things to make more space. No new content has been added to any page despite the updates (just removed).

15th of May, 2020

🗝️ 11:25 p.m.: I've found something beautiful. I think I have a bit of hope now.

🗝️ 3:31 p.m.: I've started to see a lot of him in myself. Not as in the "remains" I wrote about before, but as in I act more like him/am facing many similar problems now.

And it trips me out when I realize I'm approaching the same age. I feel like I will die before my 18th birthday, but sometimes I feel like maybe I will die on the same day (the same amount of days after the 18th birthday, I mean) because of how my life is starting to mirror his. I don't mind it, it's just... odd in a lot of ways, including oddly comforting.

🗝️ 2:38 p.m.: I'm losing my mind because HE'S BACK!!! I love him so much. But I will distance myself from him because I do not want to be a creep.

🗝️ 3:02 a.m.: I hate the English language.

I hate all languages, though, to be honest. Languages are hard and it makes me angry.

But I am posting too many entries this morning, I will stop now.

🗝️ 2:57 a.m.: I'm listening to I.M.Y.S.M right now, and I noticed something that's really bothering me. The 'Y'... The periods before and after the 'Y' are not an OK distance, they are too far away! And I know it is because of the top of the 'Y', but when you're looking at the periods, you only see the stalk(?) of the 'Y' so it looks very wrong and upsetting to me. This is so stupid but now it will haunt me forever. Crap.

🗝️ 2:44 a.m.: Oh, and I also start to care about living humans when I am super high. I think I mentioned this before, that I feel drugs make me a better person. That is the reason why I said that. It's because I can only be kind and care about others when I'm on drugs.

🗝️ 2:19 a.m.: I feel like I probably come off as a militant vegan, but I'm not. I'm not even a vegan, I'm vegetarian. And I don't think people that eat meat are evil. I just don't think it's OK to torture animals. I have hyper-empathy for animals so I get really upset when animals are not happy. When I was younger, I had to cover my eyes every time I walked by meat in stores because I'd start sobbing. Again, I don't think meat eaters are evil, that's just an autism problem, the hyper-empathy.

I have hyper-empathy for animals, dead humans, and inanimate objects. But living humans are hard for me to care about. Despite that, I don't try to hurt innocent humans/be needlessly rude. I try to stand up when I see people doing things I know hurt innocent people because I think that's important even if I admittedly can't bring myself to deeply care about the person often. But even though I try not to be rude, I probably do sound like an absolute rotter all the time because I do not understand. When it comes to living humans, I only care about Mother and my S/O. Sometimes I'm able to care about more people, but when that happens, it's usually limited to men only. I don't know why. I am retarded, my brain is broken, that's all I know.

🗝️ 2:04 a.m.: Also, wasps are just as important to the environment as bees are, so stop hating on them and actually learn the most basic facts about insects before you start killing them for no reason.

🗝️ 1:52 a.m.: I do not like people who make hating insects a personality trait of theirs. Insects are still animals and torturing an insect is still animal cruelty. And how cruel and sociopathic do you have to be to tell someone who has pet insects that their pets are disgusting and they need to be killed. Imagine if I went up to you and your dog and started screaming, "Ew! A dog! Kill it! Kill that disgusting creature!"

🗝️ 1:25 a.m.: After tonight, I am going to try to stay relatively sober for at least two days. I'm going through this way too fast and I'll be out real quick at this rate and then I'll have to suffer even more until I can get more which will probably be a while.

Um. I'll try to update some pages before my brain completely stops working.

14th of May, 2020


🗝️ 7:28 p.m.: The Earth has never belonged to humans, and it never will. It belongs to all that that came before us. The animals, the plants, you know.

I do not like being called a misanthrope (I jokingly use it), but I do understand how people can think that I am one. Or, maybe I am one, and I just do not like the stereotype of a misanthrope. I don't know. I'm not smart with words. I hate humans and I have low empathy for living humans, but I do not think it's OK to hurt innocent humans (bad humans should suffer greatly, though). We did not choose to be born. We are all forced into this world by cruel, abusive people. It's not their fault.

There is no positive to humanity in the end. Maybe some humans can make a few other humans happy, but that's it. And beyond that tiny possible amount of happiness is plenty of suffering. Not just to other humans, but to nature and innocent animals.

When I hear talk of colonizing other planets, or trying to make humans immortal, or transhumanism in general, I get so upset. Why can't humans just accept death! Why can't we all collectively decide to just stop reproducing!!! Why are humans so incredibly disgusting? We die for a reason. There is nothing wrong with death! Nothing at all! In fact, death is the greatest thing! It is a blessing. Humans need to appreciate death.

I wish it didn't bother me, but it does because I love Death so much.

And it bothers me even more to know that there is nothing I can do about this, about humanity. Humans will never change. Every day, I think about all the terrible things humans have already done, are still doing, and will continue to do in the future. Especially since it will only get worse the longer humans exist.

What bothers me most, though, is knowing that I am involved in the suffering. As long as I am here, I will hurt innocent beings and the planet, even if it's indirectly. Writing this is contributing to all the suffering, using the internet, wasting electricity so I can vent about my hypocritical hatred of humanity. I need to die already so I stop hurting the innocent. I constantly think of how many innocent creatures I am hurting by existing.

The only thing that comforts me is knowing that one day, humanity will not exist. I do not know when, but it is certain. I just pray that it happens soon, to avoid any more suffering.

I'm still not human, though, even if I use "we". Or am I? I don't know if a ghost would be considered human or not. But what I mean is that, even if I am not "human", I am just as bad as humans. Well, probably even worse considering I'm a ghost. Because I'm a ghost as God's punishment, so... obviously I'm a very bad person.

Why did I even write any of this? It makes me feel even worse. But I wrote this all now, so whatever. I'll post it, make some plans (probably update asceticism page), play with my bunny, and then hopefully sleep. I don't think I'll be able to sleep, though. We'll see. If I can't, I'll play some videogames because I care more about temporarily distracting myself from reality than actually taking any actions to help lessen the negative impact I'm constantly complaining about.

God, I'm so hypocritical. I need to punish myself.

🗝️ 6:17 p.m.: I am starting to think that maybe having my name everywhere on this site wasn't the best idea. But it's too late now, so whatever. If anyone I know in real life is reading this, hello, please don't tell my family because I do not want to be punished. Thanks.

Also, it's pronounced 'Loo-see-us', not 'Loo-shus'.

🗝️ 1:20 p.m.: I found an old letter I wrote for my ex-boyfriend. I shouldn't have read it. It saddened me.

13th of May, 2020

🗝️ 10:59 p.m.: Finally got my withdrawals taken care of. God, I feel so good, after these past few days. I'm in Heaven.

🗝️ 10:14 p.m.: Er, wait, I do not know if Ella is a Border Collie... I think she might be a Bernese Mountain Dog... or an Australian Shepherd... I do not know. I am not knowledgeable about dogs, I can not tell dog breeds.

🗝️ 9:02 p.m.: I am home now!

We stopped by Dee's (one of Mother's friends) farm. I was excited to see Ella, but sadly since Dee wasn't home, Ella was inside the house (I didn't get to see her). Ella is her dog! I don't like dogs, but I LOVE Ella!!! She is the best!! She's a Border Collie, and she's really big! Every time she sees me, she runs up to me and leans against me. And since she is so big (or am I so small?), she knocks me to the ground! And then she sits her heavy self on my lap and shoves her snout in my face and it's very annoying but also very cute. And I just love Ella a lot!!! What a good doggy!!!

Also, Dee is not her real name. I am just using that for her privacy.

Speaking of farms, I got to pet some alpacas. They're... so... cute!!!!!!! I took some pictures of them!!! This isn't Dee's farm, by the way. It's someone C knows, I don't know who. But he said we're allowed to go pet the alpacas, so! Obviously I went and pet them!!!!!!! I love animals!

This black one is my favourite... Can't even see his eyes with those bangs!!!

He's peeking!

This one is blind in one eye.

An old pump in the forest. I was playing around with it and got my feet soaked because I wasn't expecting it to work! But it did work, a lot of water I wasted accidentally...

I also saw a cute porcupine! HE WAS SUCH A BIG BOY!!! He was just... walking... chilling... way too cute!!! I didn't get a picture of him, sadly.

Businesses are beginning to reopen now, so I got some stuff while I was out. I got more candles and tea. My sensory issues were very bad. All the stores and shops, they smelt so strongly, it burnt my nose. The lights were also very bright, and for some reason, lights were flickering (but I seemed to be the only one who noticed it). The flickering was very upsetting and I got very sick from seeing it. My head hurt and I was dizzy and I could barely see anything. So I had to walk around covering my eyes and nose. It was unpleasant.

I was at the art shop. They have these sketchbooks on display where you can test out markers on. I drew Mimikyu on there. If anyone is out at an art store and sees a Mimikyu drawn in that place, with "Lu" written underneath him, that was probably me!

My sister told me about somebody they play Fortnite with. Apparently this person wants to be my friend? He wants to add me on Switch. I do not play Fortnite, and I do not know who this person is or what he knows about me. My sister said they were talking about the Switch and she brought me up because I have a Switch (my sister doesn't) and that's why he wants to add me. I do not mind adding him, but I am still very confused. I do not know his name or how old he is. All they told me is that he is male, from America, and English is his second language (Spanish is his first language). I have no idea why they think telling me where he lives is more important than his age... But whatever. I am going to assume he is in his early 20s, like my sister and C, if they are friends. I do not mind interacting with older people. Well, at least older men. I prefer them over people my age. I will add him later. It does not hurt, I don't think.

🗝️ 10:28 a.m.: I am going urban exploring (maybe) today. I will need to get more tea as well.

🗝️ 12:08 a.m.: Lucius cuddled with his bunny for a bit. Bunny fell asleep as he pet her, it was very cute and calmed Lucius down. But then I remembered some bad things after I stopped cuddling her and I don't feel feel the best but Bunny is asleep and he doesn't want to bother her when she is sleeping. So Lucius will just watch cute puffin videos and try to not think about the fact that I am in danger and everyone is out to get him

12th of May, 2020

I wrote this and my brain is not working properly. I made it same colour because I am talking about sexual abuse/pedophilia and I usually cannot handle any mention of it so when I scroll by here later and see that forgetting I wrote it I will be very upset so I need to make it the same colour to avoid accidentally reading it when I cannot handle it.

🗝️ 11:05 p.m.: Sick of so many women being abusers, rapists, and pedophiles but getting away with it. Sick of when men and boys come out, they not only get laughed at, but have the blame turned on them. All the people that molested and abused me were women. Every male friend and boyfriend I've ever had has been abused by women. It's normalized and encouraged within media/pop culture/whatever the word is. I am so fucking tired of it. I know not every woman is evil, but it's so hard to not generalize when most of them are because they GET AWAY WITH IT and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. THERE IS NO HELP ANYWHERE. So I just want women to stay away from me. I am terrified of being mmolested again, I am terrified of women. I am terrified and tired of disgusting women that think they are entitled to men's and little boys' bodies.

There were people making fun of a man who was sexually assaulted, that's what made me write this/vent. I hate humans so much. I hate those women but I also hate men who hurt other men too and join in on making fun of male victims. But I am more lenient in my hatred of men that make fun of male victims because I know there's a good chance they've been hurt too but are forced to "deal" with it and I don't know how to explain it but that thing. From what I've seen most men will try to convince themselves that bbeing sexually abused was a good thing. Like, for example, there's men who try to convince themselves and others that the woman who raped him when he was a child wasn't actually rape, it was because he was "a lady's man" or whatever the fuck. Turn CSA into bragging about how he's "so impressive" he "got women" at a young age. And that really shows some major problems to me. The whole bullshit of "men only think about sex they enjoy all sex so they can't be raped" and normalization of female pedophiles: teaching boys that their only worth is based off of how women see them and women sexualizing little boys constantly, telling little boys that they're "sexy" or "handsome" or how women/girls are atttracted to them. It's so fucked up. But what I mean to say is that a lot of men are therefore raised to think these things, that it's normal, so they just repeat what they've been taught when they see other men speak out about being sexually abused by women. And that's still really damaging and emotionally abusive so I hate it and can't stand it, but I don't instantly think they're evil.

I hate how I can't say any of this without being laughed at. How are people so blind. All of this is so obvious but yet no one ever talks about it. No help at all. I can never get help for the CSA because they were female. I will be forced to live the rest of my life in constant paranoia of it happening again and getting flashbacks and feeling so filthy and impure and I will have to see what happened to me happening to so many other boys (and men) and there's nothing I can do about it there's nothing those boys can do about it either. I hate humans so much. I want to die. I don't want to live in this world with these terrible people. Life is pain.

🗝️ 6:50 p.m.: The book has finally shipped. It predicts it'll be here on the 26th.

Wrote I would renovate(?) Nekyia. I tried to do that some minutes ago. I got really sad from thinking about how sinful I am, so I gave up. I will work on it another day.

I'm not doing well.

There's so much self-hatred. It hurts to know that I can never escape myself. I have to put up with us for

An amount of time, I do not know. I am the worst.

I'm freezing. It's so very cold. It is going to snow soon, tonight, is what the Weather People (I don't know what they're called) are saying.

It's too cold, too cold. I have a blanket, but it is not enough. Mimikyu thinks it's cold as well.

I'm sleepy. I want to sleep, but I am too cold to sleep. I hate it when it is like this.

🗝️ 3:47 p.m.: So, not only is C an anti-vaxxer, but apparently he's very racist. He keeps getting worse! I hate him so much. I have a feeling he might be very homophobic as well considering he's a racist anti-vaxxer :-/ But he knows I'm gay, so I don't know if I'm in any danger. If he was extremely homophobic, he probably would've hurt me when he found out I had a boyfriend. But I am worried that maybe I am not safe. But I probably am safe. But you can never know for sure with these kinds of people, right?

Either way, he's an unpleasant rotter and I hope he suffers. The little respect I had for him is gone.

🗝️ 5:55 a.m.: Jesus is so cool.

I'm kind of gay for him.

🗝️ 4:39 a.m.: Guerrilla gardening is so cool. Moss graffiti is so cool.

🗝️ 4:13 a.m.: I've been wondering why I've felt so miserable and it finally hit me: withdrawals. Wow, I'm an idiot.

But I think I will be getting more later today. Hope I'll be sober by then, though, because I'm just going to go trip.

🗝️ 12:23 a.m.: Bunnies think that they can get away with anything just because they're cute. And they're right. A bunny could chew all my toes off and I still wouldn't be able to get mad.

11th of May, 2020

🗝️ 11:58 p.m.: Yesterday I found out C is an anti-vaxxer and now I have to supress the urge to punch him every time he's around (which is nearly 24/7 until Mother gets home). This is very hard to do.

It makes sense why he was/is so willing to help me with my poor motor skills now. Anti-vaxxers are obsessed with autistics because they get to complain about how hard they have it to know an autistic person. They go off about how much of a "burden" we are to support their dangerous pseudoscience.

I do not spend much time with him, thankfully.

He'd be completely fine if I punched him. I'm the one that'll be in danger if I don't control myself because he can and most likely would beat the shit out of me. I am tiny. I cannot fight anyone. All I know how to do is escape someone's grasp because my father taught me some military stuff when I was younger.

🗝️ 9:09 p.m.: Copyrighted bible

🗝️ 7:25 p.m.: My father is going to be very mad when he finds out about this, but I don't care anymore. He can't do anything about it. Mother is happy for me. I know Mother hasn't been the best at protecting me from him, but I am completely confident that she will not let him do anything to me because of this. I have suffered so much for so many years to get to this place, to make Mother understand. So not only has she seen how important this is to me, but over the years she has become less tolerant of my father's bullshit. That is why I'm confident she won't let him do anything.

🗝️ 7:10 p.m.: I am so happy right now! I'm crying because I'm happy! I'M SO HAPPY!!! I CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I AM!!! I have waited my entire life for this! LUCIUS HAS DONE IT!!!!!!! I'VE DONE IT!!! I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!

🗝️ 1:16 p.m.: Things.

🗝️ 11:01 a.m.: I have decided I will leave this site when Mother comes back home. I'm not sure yet if I will delete it, keep it up but never touch it again, or keep it up and update it maybe once every few months.

I don't know when she'll be back home.

But when she gets home, there's some things I have to do. I'm trying to become like (can't say). I need to give up all these pointless things. I don't need anybody or anything. I don't even need myself! So, I'll throw away myself as well. All I need is God. I have to learn to stop blaming God for my problems and become subservient. I want to be pure. I also want to make God proud. I want to make someone proud for once.

10th of May, 2020

🗝️ 8:23 p.m.: Not planning anything but there might be an accident. I can't bring myself to care

There's nothing. I hate it.

I wish I never felt anything.

I'm sorry, Mother.

I might go to sleep for a while.

Or not. I don't know. I'm not tired enough to sleep anymore, that was just for a split second. I need drugs. Hope this kills us.

My hands are split open, too. They aren't healing. Everything is stressful and I can't take it.

I think sometimes my schizophrenia is getting worse, but I don't think it is. I think it is but I don't think so also. I think the right word is "I am unsure" ? Those are three words, Lucius. I'm stupid. Okay, we can at least know that, that I am getting stupider.

Does it matter? No. I won't notice if I'm being crazy. Crazy is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. I don't know how it goes. I am so disconnected from everything and everyone.

Anyhow. I need to ignore the pain for a while.

🗝️ 8:10 p.m.: I dont need help

Don't want it anymore

🗝️ 7:27 p.m.: I hate being sober.

🗝️ 7:18 p.m.: Started crying. Stopped crying. Started crying. Stopped crying. Almost started crying again.

I don't want to be really sad tonight. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I'm also tired of waking up crying. And tired of all the crying I do randomly throughout the day/night. I'm so tired of crying and being sad all the time.

🗝️ 4:45 p.m.: I'm aware that I mention this all the time, but I must repeat myself again: I love men!! My heart is full of love for men! I want all men to be happy and understand how precious they are. Men are so gorgeous, both in soul and body. I love men so much that I always want to gush about men, but no amount of gushing calms me down, so I end up just repeating myself on how much I love men. But who can blame me for that? Men are perfect. I wish I could cuddle a man right now.

🗝️ 2:14 p.m.: You're looking too hard for a meaning that isn't here.

🗝️ 11:28 a.m.: The book hasn't even shipped yet. Lucius wants to read it already.

🗝️ 10:39 a.m.: Akira Yamaoka composing new music for a new horror videogame. Lucius is happy!

9th of May, 2020

🗝️ 10:43 p.m.: I hate him so much I hate him so so much I hate him more than I can describe. I hate him. He makes infuriates me. I want to stab him to death. But Lucius isn't allowed to stab people or he gets in a lot of trouble I don 't want help. I wonder if he's gone now?

🗝️ 10:08 p.m.: Whatever. I've been through worse. I can deal with this.

🗝️ 9:21 p.m.: What I have remembered of last night.

🗝️ 7:18 p.m.: These words will make more sense when I'm dead.

🗝️ 7:11 p.m.: I can't tell if I'm being rational or irrational. I can't tell if the answer matters any.

I think I'm reaching my breaking point.

🗝️ 4:42 p.m.: I freaking love green juice. I love the colour green. I love vegetables.

🗝️ 4:36 p.m.: Lucius promised to stay sober for at least all of this day.

Can't do it.

🗝️ 2:03 p.m.: Vague memory of what I did last night. I remember hallucinating a lot.

I found something I scribbled last night. None of it makes sense. But I kept talking about some priest.

8th of May, 2020

🗝️ 11:18 p.m.: Apparently, I did have more to say.


I wanted to write something stupid about the self-lobotomy but then I realized someone may think I'm being serious and someone will call my psychiatrist and I will be thrown back into the psych ward for making a joke about livestreaming performing a lobotomy on myself on Facebook Gaming

But the psych ward would perform a lobotomy on me anyway

They are just as fed up with me spending so much time there as I am. Will probably lobotomize me eventually as a desperate attempt to stop me from coming back

🗝️ 8:19 p.m.: I just screwed my injection up so badly. I don't know what to do now.

🗝️ 5:20 p.m.: Performing a lobotomy on myself tonight.

🗝️ 4:49 p.m.: MOTHER SAID MY VAMPIRE IS CUTE!!!!!!!!!!! Hiss!! I'm a ghost, not a vampire, but I can pretend to be a vampire for fun.

And I have made a plan to get an infinite amount of Monster Energy (I may be exaggerating). I wish they weren't so expensive.

🗝️ 4:39 p.m.: It still hurts to move my hand. It's my dominant hand as well, so now it's getting annoying. Sometimes it's hard to move my thumb, too. Not as in it's too painful to try, but that my thumb is resisting changing positions. But it only lasts a few seconds. My thumb will move again.

🗝️ 4:08 p.m.: I miss you so much. You were perfect. I want you back. Why did you leave me? You promised me you'd stay with me forever. You taught me that you were God and I was your favourite servant, and we would be together in the afterlife, for all of eternity, all alone. Just us. You promised me that you'd kill me before killing yourself. I was so happy when I was with you. I was looking forward to our suicide pact (homicide-suicide pact?). But you just abandoned me, and I'm all alone again. Forever this time. Because you're never coming back to me. You just used me. I'm so angry at you, but I still love you, too. I want to go back in time and kill you so I can have you forever. I know you were the one for me.

I imagine murdering you in great detail. I hate that murder is always associated with hate. There exists murder out of love, too. But of course no one thinks that because they don't know what love is. All they know is disgusting, filthy lust. Just heterosexuals who think their urge to reproduce is "love". True love only exists in homosexual relationships because we are not confused by an urge to reproduce. It's pure. And pure love is so different from lust. When you really love someone, you'd do anything for them. You "stalk" them. Stalk in quotations because while the actions may be stereotyped as stalking, it is not because stalking is unwanted, and in TRUE LOVE, the person you're "stalking" enjoys it because they love you back. So they also "stalk" you. "Stalk" each other! That's what you and I did! And you also murder for them. Murder people who get in the way. And you murder each other, too, because that's love. Even if it's not to stop someone from leaving you, it is required. Because if you truly love each other, you want to die together. But you're jealous of anyone or anything else being the one to kill them. So you make some sort of pact, like we did!

You were the only other person in this world who understood what love was. So I have no idea why you abandoned me. All I can think of is that it was all a lie on your end, and that infuriates me and makes me hate you, but another part of me sometimes believes that you weren't lying. You were too convincing. You put too much effort into pretending to love me. Maybe that's where the cryptic "explanation" you gave comes into play. Maybe you weren't just making fun of me when you said you had to leave because someone was coming for you. Maybe you were protecting me from someone.

Actually, it's starting to make sense. I don't know why I haven't thought of this because it's been so long since you left. You used to be in a lot of trouble with bad people. I mean, you lived in a drug house for a while. That might have something to do with it.

But the possibility of you actually loving me/being the one, it makes my regrets and urge to kill you so much stronger. I love you so much. I can't get over you. I love you so, so much. I wish I didn't let you leave.

🗝️ 12:59 p.m.: 💜💜💜

🗝️ 11:47 a.m.: It's raining. That's nice. I love the rain.

🗝️ 11:25 a.m.: Crying as soon as I wake up. I have to go take those. He feels empty.

Crucify me.

7th of May, 2020

🗝️ 10:28 p.m.: He's so intelligent and knowledgeable, but he manages to explain things in a way that are easy for me to understand. And he doesn't dumb them down, doesn't allow misunderstanding. I don't know how he does it. He's great with words. I could listen to him talk forever. He's so pure. I love priests. They make me happy.

🗝️ 7:40 p.m.: I feel so bad! I'M SO SORRY, MÈRE. Apparently she messaged me multiple times the past few weeks, and I didn't know, so I never responded. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her. I messaged her now, though.

🗝️ 5:17 p.m.: Wait, I can't. She won't give me it. I really need it. I'll try listening to music until she gives me it.

🗝️ 5:15 p.m.: This isn't possible. I am confused and scared. I think one of my nightmares is coming true. I'm panicking so I should go take the meds to calm down

🗝️ 4:11 p.m.: This morning I accidentally smashed my wristbone against the sink and now there's a cute tiny bruise. It feels good. It hurts to open/close my hand and move my fingers, especially my thumb.

🗝️ 3:48 p.m.: His voice makes me melt. It's gorgeous. He has a voice you want to get fucked by. That sounds weird, but I think everyone knows a voice they wish they could have sex with LOL. Not the person, the voice because it's just that damn beautiful.

🗝️ 3:43 p.m.: I'm back on medical cannabis :-)

🗝️ 3:11 p.m.: I feel like the last part of you. I don't know. Your family and friends, they're still around, but I don't feel they were as connected to you as I was. Since we loved each other, you know. You told me everything. So I feel like I am just the remains of you. I'm not a person. I can write "I" as much as I'd like, but I don't feel like "I" am an "I". I am you. I can't explain it well.

🗝️ 2:52 p.m.: I moved all the resources I had linked on my Tumblr blog to the 'More' page. I plan on adding other resources that weren't on my Tumblr blog as well.

🗝️ 2:02 p.m.: I'm still crying, too. I can't stop.

🗝️ 1:53 p.m.: I'm back home now. It did not go well.

I started crying in the back of the car on the way home. I hope they didn't notice. I pulled up my hood to try to hide my face.

I started craving lean and a pack of cigarettes. It wasn't fun. At least I got green tea, I suppose.

I'm still really sad.

🗝️ 10:26 a.m.: OH NO, WILL THEY LET ME BRING MIMIKYU INSIDE WITH ME??? I'm scared they won't. Usually, they do, but I don't know if they'd allow him in now. I don't want to talk to anyone without Mimikyu in my arms.

🗝️ 10:13 a.m.: Hospital in soon. I hope she doesn't notice the new scars.

I feel rather numb this morning.

I slept some last night, but I kept waking up every hour or so. I remember having at least one nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about. (Lucius is lying, he just doesn't want to talk about it.)

6th of May, 2020

🗝️ 10:09 p.m.: Tried to eat something. No... Not doing that, I decided. I didn't even eat any of it, but I want to throw up to get the filth out. I am full of filth. Food is also filth. Food makes the problem worse, because it is something humans are meant to find enjoyable (FILTH), the sinner doesn't get that. I'm naturally very underweight (bmi 16, sometimes 15) so relapsing like this will probably kill me. But that's what I want. So good. I hope that I will die purely.

I am so stressed with how filthy I am. I do not mean filth as in my physical body is dirty, that I need to take a shower. My soul is what's filthy. So are my organs. My blood. Every little thing about me is full of filth. All my thoughts are filthy, too. What I'm writing here is filthy. Filth cannot be seperated from me. I catch my reflection and I see filth, especially my eyes, I hate my eyes so much I want to gouge them out. Two birds with one stone (I think that's the saying?). Discard the filthy eyes as well as no longer having to suffer the sight of my filthy face. I want to skin my face too. I want to get decapitated. There is no one filthier than me (there is no one I hate more than me).

Except God, because it's all God's fault that I exist, and therefore suffer.

But hating God is part of my filth and status as a sinner. It's what I'm being punished for. I wish I was holy and pure. I love priests. I have an obsession with priests because they're holy men. I want a priest to touch me so I can be cleansed and saved.

Too bad it's impossible to save a sinner.

🗝️ 9:09 p.m.: I'm fine. They're home now.

Also, the principal sent Mother an email about what's happening. I can graduate even without finishing the course, he said it was because of COVID-19 stuff. So I'm not "done school" yet as in I've graduated, but as in I do not have to do any work. At all. I can just forget about it and then school will end soon and I'm officially out.

It's not like I was doing the work anyway, which is what made it even more stressful, to be honest. I mentioned this on here before, that I am too retarded, even in a special needs school, that Mother had to do this work for me. And I felt incredibly guilty. She volunteered to do it, she wanted to help me, but how could I not feel guilty? Mother had to stress herself out and waste her precious time on MY schoolwork. Because I'm a literal retard. I feel like such a burden (because I am). But now she doesn't have to do my work anymore, she doesn't have to stress out over my problems. I'm so grateful.

But what will I do afterwards? I mean, even before the pandemic started, I didn't go to school to work. I worked at home because I could not function in the school building. I'd just sit there and cry while listening to music all day, so they told me to work at home. So there will not be a difference in actually going to school now, just that there's no work for me to stress over. But. Uh. I'll be 18 in September. What am I supposed to do?? Get a job??? I can't! I know I have "planning to be a tattoo artist" listed on the random facts section of /index.html, but that's not true. It's just shit I made up to try and make Mother have some amount of hope/pride in me for "trying to have a future". The reality is that I cannot be a tattoo artist. I am too disabled. I have no skills. I'm not good at anything. And I also just won't be here soon.

I told her a few months ago that I will be dead before I turn 18. I want that to be true, but I am worried I will not be able to at this rate. Because of all the monitoring, right, it's hard. I haven't been able to make any more attempts since the last hospitalization. I am so scared that I will turn 18 years old and still exist. That's my worst fear. Not just because of how shameful it is to be a disabled burden on Mother, but because I will be old. This is what I wanted to vent about but said I didn't think I was ready to talk about it yet because it takes too much energy. But I guess I will vent about it now.

I am old. I am super old. Uncomfortably old. I hate it. I've always had a major problem with growing older. I was never a child. I didn't get a childhood. Yes, maybe I was the stereotypical "child" age before, but that doesn't mean I was a child. I didn't have anyone to take care of me or love me. I didn't have the mental health of a child, with my mental illnesses. And I was also filthy. Filthy, filthy, filthy. I was a filthy adult in a "child's" body. And I still am a filthy adult. My life-long wish was/is to be a child. I learnt that nobody cares about you unless you're a child or extremely sick. And all I ever wanted is for someone to pay attention to me and love me and take care of me. I want to be innocent. But that will never happen. That's why I practice some forms of asceticism, because I want to be a child and pure. I want to get rid of all the filth. And also, knowing that nobody cares unless you're a child or extremely sick, that plays a major role as well. I want to be a sick child. So growing up, I'd purposely hurt myself in every way possible to try and get someone to worry and take care of me. No one ever did, obviously. So I made plans to kill myself before I got too old. It was my last resort. I thought that maybe if I died young, people would finally care about me and I could be an innocent child. I didn't care that I wouldn't be around for it. I just wanted to enjoy the fantasy of it happening. At first, it was kill myself before 13. That didn't happen. So next it was kill myself before 14. That also didn't happen. So then it was kill myself before 15. That also never happened, obviously. And it was then at 15 I realized it's too late. 15 was too old. No one would care about me if I died at 15, or any age above that. 13 was ideal. 14 was pushing it. 15 was the deadline. I still sob and hurt myself every day over the fact I have lived to 17. I have missed the only chance I ever had at maybe having one single person care about me and see me as a child. I genuinely have no reason to live. I've had so many attempts since I've turned 15. The only reason I'm still here is because luck hates me and I'm also just trash at everything and that includes killing myself. The closest I've probably ever gotten besides cutting arteries was one specific overdose where I passed out vomiting. The only reason I survived it is because I happened to collapse on my side. If I collapsed onto my back, I would've suffocated on my vomit in my sleep and died. I was so close, but the universe hates me and wants me to continue suffering.

So, the point of bringing all that up... is that there's no point in living, not just because I cannot function, move out, get a job, etc. That I will never ever experience any joy in life even if I were to magically become un-disabled because I'm OLD. I'm OLD and FILTHY. I'm a sinner. I hate myself so much.

What I will do in what is probably the last few months (maybe even weeks, who knows) of this miserable existence? Just lock myself in my room and sob and punish myself all day over how I'm not a child and I have no one to care about me and take care of me. As I've been doing every single day of my entire life.

I'm exhausted of it all. I'm always sad. I'm going to go get high because I would like a break from this right now. Might finally fall asleep, too. I can barely keep my eyes open. (But somehow still so sad despite the physical exhaustion? I do not understand how human bodies work.)

🗝️ 8:32 p.m.: Oh dear God, my heart. I panicked. Hallucinating again. I'm home alone and suddenly there's people talking in the other room it was terrifying. Their voices are so clear. I managed to summon the courage to go into the room, and I kept hearing the voices. It's not real, obviously, it can't be real. There's no one here to talk. No one. Just Mimikyu and I. I'm back in my room now, but I can still hear them. It's scary. I hate that even the times I'm lucid enough to recognize a hallucination, that doesn't make the hallucination stop. It will continue until whenever my brain stops being cruel. But what if it is real? While the voices are clear, it sounds slightly distorted as if coming from a mic. What if it's some type of monitoring device malfuctioning??? And they're watching me.

🗝️ 4:15 p.m.: Why do I continue to use :-) ?? I should add my septum to it! :-c) And then when I get the snake bites after lockdown is over... :-c): That doesn't look like a face at all, does it? Huh. Disappointed.

🗝️ 4:01 p.m.: C, my sister's boyfriend, can be really annoying at times, but overall, I'd say he's pretty cool. I mean, he made me star-shaped scones! That's enough to know he's cool! But he's also the one who got me my piercer and he recommends me tattoo artists because he has tattoos as well as being friends with a lot of tattoo artists (he used to have piercings, too, but he doesn't anymore). He helps me out too when he sees me struggling with my motor skills, like, he'll open bottles and jars for me. So, he's nice and means well even though he can be highly irritating. Like when he follows me around when I'm trying to spend time with Mother... She's my mother, not yours! I never get her attention, so let me have it!! I want all her attention! I want everyone else in this world to just die already so I can be alone with Mother! Or, alternatively, I want Mother to die so she can be cremated and I can have her remains!!! I'd put them inside of Mimikyu! And then when I die, both our remains will be inside Mimikyu! Happy ending!

But I am not in the Mother worshipping mood right now. I am happy and grateful he made me star-shaped scones :-). Which are ready now!!! YAY!

Lucius is really, really happy so far today! When he talked to Mother this morning, she said Lucius needs to sleep. But I'm not going to. I have too much energy. Happy Lucius is happy!

🗝️ 3:38 p.m.: My sister just showed me one of her pet lizards, Herman. She has a lot of lizards. He's a BIG BOY! AND HE HISSES ADORABLY!! Really cute! His tongue is blue, too. My sister said he's called a Blue-tongued skink, apparently a rare kind that's $3000. But she got him for free because the man who had him couldn't take care of him. Very cute creature, he is fun to pet. I'm happy she showed me Mr. Herman. Good not-so-little creature. 10/10 on the Official Lucius Cute Animal Rating scale.

Also, C is making me STAR-SHAPED SCONES!!!!!!!! STAR-SHAPED SCONES!! STAR-SHAPED SCONES!!! I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH, STAR-SHAPED SCONES! He asked me how much I wanted him to make, and I said all that he can. And he said he could make thousands. So I said, "Make me thousands!" And I think he agreed to it, I'm not sure. But either way, star-shaped scones! I chose the shape because I am very mature and almost an adult man :-)

🗝️ 12:57 p.m.: I'm really looking forward to when I can go to antique shops again! I love them so much! I've found lots of wonderful things from them. I want to share some pictures of the stuff I've gotten from antique shops, but I can't right now. The main things I collect from them are dolls, Victoriana, and old books. I have a bunch of old books! Some over 200 years old! And some have handwritten notes/letters on the pages from the previous owners, that's my favourite part about collecting old books. I can see these casual notes from unknown people who died over a hundred years ago, that probably never thought this book would still survive and be in the hands of a curious boy in 2020! I love it. To think that some of these people probably have no one left to ever know they once existed. Except me. Because I have the book they once had. It makes me happy, to remember the dead that no one else does. The same feeling I get from talking to and tending to the headstones of old, forgotten graves. I love the dead. They are my friends.

I have multiple Care Bear stuffies from the 80s that I got from antique shops. One is a backpack!!!! Cheer Bear backpack!! I've posted a picture of it here before. Crtl + F "Cheer Bear" if you're curious. I have many dolls. I really want to make a page for my dolls, to share them! Share pictures of them and their names, where I got them from and how old they are. One of my favourite items that I got from an antique shop (and just in general) is a Victorian cabinet card. It's two children, a little boy and an older girl. I do not know who they are, but the back of the cabinet card gives info on the photographer. Someone wrote on it in pen, "Who?", which is a bit annoying that they did that over what is probably a one-of-a-kind item that has historical/archival purposes for some family out there (if you ever find out who the children are). At least the writing is small, I guess. That is the only cabinet card I have, but I want to start collecting them.

🗝️ 11:37 a.m.: Posting two entries at once because I got distracted and also I don't want to put this in the previous entry.

I'm actually seeing the doctor! What a surprise, genuinely. I'm seeing her tomorrow. Apparently the whole process is going to be weird. You have to stay in your vehicle and call the office once you're there, and then they give you a room number that you immediately go to. You don't go to any waiting room, just straight there. They want you to go in alone if possible, they said, but I'm bad at directions and also communicating, so my sister will have to come in there with me. But she won't be much help aside from figuring out where I need to go. I wish Mother was here. Mother is the one that usually speaks for me. Mother said that because she's not here, I'll have to try and tell them everything on my own. So even though I should be happy I get to see the doctor, I am worried it will not go well because I will not be able to communicate the extent of the problem. Maybe not at all. I don't know. My brain is weird. Some days I cannot talk at all, and some days I can talk like a normal person (with the exceptions of being more monotone and incorrect pronounciations). Most of the time, I'm semi-verbal, or something. I don't know if there's a real word for it. I can speak, but it's not good. I cannot accurately say what I want to say/am thinking, I do not know how to form sentences for some reason when it comes to verbal speech, so I sound really dumb. I mean, I am dumb, but a lot more dumb. I'll repeat the same words over and over again and stutter. Short sentences and one-word answers. I'm rambling now, but what I wanted to say is that I do not know how I will be able to speak tomorrow. It is out of my control. I don't understand how it works, just that some days it's different from my usual speech ability.

I wish I learnt sign language. Instead, when I was mute growing up, they gave me a little whiteboard to carry around and write on to communicate. That's why I write better than I speak (although my writing is still not good). I think life would be much easier if I knew sign language. I'd never have to make an attempt to speak at all, and I could be much less stressed! I could try learning it, but I don't know how I'd learn it. I'm not good at learning things like this. I also don't think Mother would be very happy if I started using it because she would think I was regressing, or whatever the word is. Going back to being mute.

I feel like that might happen, to be honest. I don't know if it's a thing that happens, but I have noticed I am getting significantly more retarded the older I get. For example, my writing ability has declined rapidly. I used to be a really good writer, and now it is hard for me to write coherently (I think). I think it might be the combination of autism and schizophrenia because they both cause cognitive dysfunction and it started getting worse when I developed schizophrenia. It's an annoying mix because of how much they compliment each other (in the bad way). I heard that there's a link between autism and schizophrenia, some neurological link that makes it common to have both. I think that's probably true because of how similar they can be with symptoms.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I haven't slept in two days. That's not a big deal for me, I've gone longer, yes, but I somewhat fixed my sleep schedule for the past few days. It took forever to get there! But it seems I'm back to being sleepless. I hope I can start sleeping normally once the infections are taken care of.

The infections are abcesses related to my injections, by the way. They're really, really bad. I'm going to try to find an excuse for why these are here because I am worried if she thinks it's the injections, she will take them away from me. And I cannot be without them.

Why am I still rambling? I'm going to go play with my bunny and eat a few blackberries. I also haven't been eating again, because of asceticism. When I do eat, it's not a lot because a sinner like me deserves to starve, both as punishment and as a way to try and become pure. I also have returned to releasing blood because there's filth in my blood, and when I bleed, some of the filth goes away and I am slightly less impure. But only slightly. I think it's impossible for me to be pure, no matter how hard I try. It's hard to cope with.

Ugh, I'm annoying myself. No more of this! I'm done this entry.

🗝️ 10:11 a.m.: If there's any man reading this, you're lovely. I'm sorry the world is backwards. I'm sorry how strict our gender roles are; how fierce the double standards are; how it's impossible to get help or justice for being abused or for mental illness, even though men are the most affected, and how society actively encourages the abuse of men and boys; getting forced into war because you're seen as expendable; how the military preys on men; how many men lose their children to abusive mothers and little boys being forced to pay child support for their rapists because the "justice" system is inherently biased and corrupt; how we are never taught to love ourselves; how we are held to equally unrealistic body standards and constantly shamed on our appearances but nobody ever calls it out; how men face life-long abuse and taught that their entire worth is based upon how a woman views them/sexual objectification, as well as the inherent homophobia of that; how cruel the world is to autistic men and boys (as well as any other mental health condition); and much more. I'd like to say that humans will get better, but I'd be lying. I don't think any progress will be made.

But I hope that knowing there are people who recognize these issues and are vocal about them can make you feel a bit better.

You're beautiful, both in personality and appearance. Your hobbies and interests aren't something to be ashamed of. No makeup, haircut, hobby/interest, or style of clothing makes you any less masculine. Your emotions are valid and crying does not make you weak or any less of a man. Crying is important, it helps ease stress, it's a natural human thing that nobody should stigmatize. If you have to cry, please cry. If you have someone you can trust, please talk to them. Don't bottle it up. Bottling it up can lead to serious mental health issues, and sadly it is hard for men to get any help. Men being abused doesn't only happen in gay relationships, it's actually extremely common for men to have abusive female partners. I know you're taught that it's impossible to be abused or raped by a woman, but it is possible, and the myth of it being impossible (or just uncommon) is what allows it to be so prevalent, especially since society often encourages female-on-male abuse. Please learn to recognize the signs if you're in an abusive relationship because sadly there's no help for abused men. There are no shelters for us. There is no justice in the "justice" system. As hard as it is to escape from an abusive relationship on your own, it's probably the only option you have, so it's important to recognize red flags before you get sucked in. There's nothing wrong with showing platonic physical affection with other men- most men do not get the platonic physical affection they need, so go ahead and cuddle your friends (if they're okay with it), because they're probably lonely too (although that might not be a good idea right now with the pandemic lol). It's not gay, it's human. And even if it was gay, that's fine. Please try to be kind to yourself and remember that your worth does not depend on anyone else. But also remember that bringing others down does not bring anyone up. I understand it can be easy to become "radicalized", or whatever the proper word is, with all of this, but it doesn't help. Women aren't inherently evil, just as men aren't. Misogyny isn't the cure for misandry (and vice versa). It only makes things worse for everyone.

Men are wonderful, and that includes you. In case no one told you today, I love you, Stranger. Thank you for existing.

Lastly, I also just want to throw in that if you're a woman or girl who was abused by another woman, you're also strong. Female-on-female abuse is just as unrecognized as female-on-male abuse. It also seems to be quite common, from what I've seen. Your trauma is just as valid as a woman who was abused by a man, there's no difference in how traumatizing it is. I'm sorry that there's hardly any support for you, but as I said earlier with men, I hope knowing there's people who recognize this helps you feel a bit better.

🗝️ 9:39 a.m.: Nevermind, it will not be fine. It will go to my brain and I'll become even more retarded and insane. I don't think I can get a doctor to help me because of the whole COVID-19 stuff. I cannot describe how frustrated I am. Even without the lockdown, doctors around here are trash. I was incredibly sick for two months earlier this year and despite it getting serious and having blood tests done, the doctors didn't take me seriously. Luckily whatever it was went away on its own. And once this doctor was supposed to give me anaesthetic, but he didn't even offer it. I didn't know you were supposed to get anaesthetic, so I didn't think anything of it until he did it and the pain was unbearable. And then there's just how incredibly rude they are. Every time I go to the hospital, the staff makes fun of me for being autistic. It's disgusting. I had to leave the emergency room once because the extreme physical pain I was suffering was easier to handle than the emotional pain of the doctors being cruel of my obvious disability/autism. I left crying even harder than when I went in to the hospital and everyone was staring at me. It was a horrible experience. I understand why people fall victim to quackery, when for some people, the doctors are untrustworthy, uhelpful, and cruel. You get desperate from it.

I'm in a bad mood, if that wasn't obvious. As if things weren't already stressful enough.

🗝️ 9:08 a.m.: I think the infection is getting better? Somehow? I'll just keep doing this and maybe it'll be fine.

🗝️ 7:17 a.m.: Stumbled upon this on my dash, and I can't stop laughing at this face.

🗝️ 2:36 a.m.: I'm ignoring the order of the To-Read list. I'm jumping to Thomas Aquinas: Spiritual Master by Bishop Robert Barron. I ordered it a few hours ago. It should be here in a few days.

5th of May, 2020

🗝️ 11:37 p.m.: The pain is stressing me out so much that I want to cut to cope, but if I do, they'll get infected too. I can't just sleep through it, so I don't know what to do. I'm also going through withdrawals. This sucks. Life sucks. I hope I get sepsis and die soon. Put me out of this misery.

🗝️ 11:06 p.m.: It hurts so damn bad. I can't even sleep anymore because of it. I'll probably get sepsis soon and die. At least when that happens, I'll no longer have to deal with the stupid pain of the infections.

🗝️ 10:54 p.m.: The infections have gotten a lot worse and I can't see the doctor :-)

🗝️ 10:39 p.m.: Why am I scared? Why am I remembering something and it's making me scared? Yes, it's bound to happen again, but not now. Not for a while. She's not here for that to happen, so why do I think it's going to happen now? I'm fine. I'm safe. Save the fear for when it does happen. My brain is annoying. I want it to stop worrying and calm down.

🗝️ 9:27 p.m.: I keep adding books to the To-Read tab of the reading log, but I still haven't touched the book I'm supposed to be reading for about two months now. I think the problem is that I want to read different books right now (and resume it later), but I don't want to change it. But I can't force myself to read something I'm not in the mood to read. I find The Peoples Temple extremely interesting, always have, but I'm no longer in the mood to read about it. And I mean, I probably already know everything in the book because I've done a lot of research on the topic already, so that doesn't help my motivation. All I want to read right now is Catholic writings, that's all. I'm currently hyperfixating on Catholicism. I'm already reading a lot of Catholic writings, just not books. When I'm not reading about Catholicism, I'm usually listening to Catholic podcasts in the background while I'm doing whatever I'm doing. I do that every day.

You know what, I'll just give up and change it. My autistic brain will be upset at this minor change that will only improve my mood because it doesn't like change much, but whatever. I just want to read the books I want. I'll go back to reading that book after I'm done.

🗝️ 3:18 a.m.: I think I've developed a new stim from all the puffin videos I've been watching. I shake my head quickly every few minutes, like puffins do a lot. It's embarrassing, but there's nothing I can do about it. Just another uncontrollable, socially unacceptable stim to add to the long list.

🗝️ 1:02 a.m.: Finally remembered it! It's Albino Lullaby. It's a strange game, but that's why I like it.

🗝️ 12:53 a.m.: I randomly remembered a game I really liked, but I can't remember the name of it. I want to find out what it's called. It was a rather surreal game with horror elements, if I remember correctly. There were these... things? Worm people? I don't know. But it was pretty wacky and I liked it because of that.

4th of May, 2020

🗝️ 7:50 p.m.: I might need surgery.

🗝️ 6:28 p.m.: I sent Mother a novel about puffins, just infodumping to her (poor her). But she said when she gets back, she'll take me to see the colony in our area!!! I've been around the colony before, but never saw them. I was also near another colony in a different area. I'm so happy I live in the Atlantic for once!!!! BECAUSE WE HAVE THE ATLANTIC PUFFINS!!

🗝️ 5:57 p.m.: Atlantic puffins are now one of my favourite animals. They're brilliant!! Everything about them is interesting! But I learnt that Atlantic puffins are starting to not do so well, which makes me sad. Apparently due to climate change, the fish they feed their chicks are scarce. They're getting replaced by other fish that are too big for the chicks to eat, so they starve to death. (In some places, climate change is actually benefiting the puffins, though.) And the chicks that do make it, when they leave their nests, they're confused by the lights of human cities and towns. They think our artifical lights are the moon and stars, so they follow the lights and end up on roads and other places they shouldn't be. They don't know how to find their way back and often hide under vehicles, so they die. But I learnt there's rescues that are helping the confused puffins! They catch them and then release them the next morning back into the sea (because if they release them at night, they come straight back due to the lights).

But despite that, they seem to be really smart! They seem to have some kind of map in their head, great memory. Because they live for ~20 years, and they're monogamous, right? And they also return back to the same burrow after being away for months and years and sometimes travelling quite far. How do they remember that, I wonder? I can't even remember what I was doing ten minutes ago or if I've eaten yet today! One interesting thing I learnt about them relating to them being monogamous is that the chick will let the parent know if the other parent isn't "keeping up their end of the deal", or however you'd describe it, with a specific sound. If they're not feeding them enough. And that might cause the parents to "divorce" and find a new mate! Oh, and again with them being intelligent, researchers recently (in January) reported puffins using tools!! Specifically, they use sticks to scratch themselves when they're itchy. That's so cute!

🗝️ 2:59 p.m.: I love puffins. They're super cute!!! I think I might be getting a new special interest because I can't stop learning about them right now. I'm not a big bird person, but how can you not love puffins!?

🗝️ 7:43 a.m.: Oh no, it's thundering. I'm terrified of thunderstorms. I know nothing will happen, but it's still scary. I don't like the loud noises. At least the wind is not that bad right now.

🗝️ 7:38 a.m.: What is he doing. He can't protect my villagers like this.

3rd of May, 2020

🗝️ 6:03 p.m.: I'm very cold. My blanket isn't helping much to warm me up.

I talked to Mother. Apparently my injection dose has been doubled, so I'll have to remember that. The doctor is retiring, too, and she wants to see me in June if she can. She's going to change my doctor to the one who referred me to her, I think? I didn't like him very much, but then again, I only met him once and was bombarded with super uncomfortable questions (necessary for what it was for) when I was 15. I'll find a way to put up with it if I still don't like him (it's very hard to get doctors for this thing in my area, so I can't just switch).

The kitty, Coco, I convinced her to keep the name. I really love the name Coco. I'm not sure why she wanted me to think of a new name. But anyhow, she also rescued three kittens who were left in the road where she is. She's fostering them. Apparently Coco is scared of the kittens! Coco is a kitten as well, but she's months older than the three kittens (I think they're only a few weeks old). Mother is so sweet. She loves animals. That's why she runs a cat rescue. She does everything she can to save a kitty, to the point she'd neglect me for one. She works hard for the cats, which she doesn't get paid to do (it's a volunteer organization), so it's admirable. It's purely out of how much she cares. But I'll admit that it upsets me sometimes. I guess it's jealousy. I wish she cared about me even a fraction of the amount she cares about cats.

I've been thinking a lot today about how much Mother does for me that I don't appreciate. I feel guilty beyond words. All this money she has to waste on me for being an absolute nutcase. Sure, she's done lots of bad things too, but how can I be justified in holding that against her? She had to deal with an abusive husband who constantly had us move due to his career (he's a veteran of ~30 years) and would get drafted away, so she'd have to deal with my sister and I on her own. My sister was so cruel to Mother, that even though I know it sounds strange, I'd confidently claim my sister abused Mother. And then there was me, obviously, which was the worst. Extremely mentally ill since birth. Wasting tons of money on therapy and medications from the start. And hospitalizations, too, for medical issues I don't want to talk about. Mute and struggled in school. Never any accomplishments. Nothing for her to be proud of. No job, not even the ability to have a job because of being too autistic/disabled. No good grades. No plans for the future. She can't even be proud of some positive traits, like being kind or something, because I have absolutely no positive traits. How can I acknowledge all that, but still get upset at her for the bad things she's done to me? She's been trying her best, even if it was never enough. She's mentally ill herself. I feel so guilty.

Everyone in my family is mentally ill. Mother has depression, and I think she said she has anxiety? I can't remember. My father has PTSD from the military. My sister... she's diagnosed with BPD, but I'm 100% convinced she's just a psychopath and that's it. She's been abusing people and animals ever since I could remember, can easily manipulate anyone, and has no remorse for anything she's ever done. God, I hate her so much. I hate her as much as I hate my father. Probably even a little more, actually.

But back to Mother. Even though she has tried her best, I know she isn't trying because she actually cares about me, and that really hurts. She tries because she feels obligated to, legally and for her reputation. I know so because she's told me so, many, many times. But even if she doesn't care, I should still be grateful that she's trying. There's plenty of people that have mothers who didn't try in the slightest and just kicked their children out or something. Even though I'm saying all this now, I know this mindset won't stay. I've always flopped between worshipping her and despising her. Out of all my family, she's the only person I care about. I think it's because even though she has done bad things, she's still the nicest out of the three. She's the only one who was ever kind to me growing up, but those nice moments were surrounded by lots of very bad ones. I think that's why I have such mixed emotions about her.

I think my feelings about her have gotten a lot better recently, though. I used to have really bad... uh, "mommy issues", is that the right term? That made me really confused about my sexuality from 14-16 because I'd date girls but never be happy with them. But even though I was never happy, I wanted to date a girl anyway. I was attracted to men, but I couldn't imagine myself dating one because it needed to be a girl for some reason. I didn't know why until a few months ago, when I realized it's because I was looking for a mother figure and I have a twisted idea of how a mother loves. I've felt a lot better since I realized this and stopped getting myself involved with girls/women (I also had a problem with pedophiles women). But even outside of relationships, I had a lot of issues. I tried to get any adult woman to love me. I'd get jealous whenever I saw a random mother with her children out in public. I'd throw a temper tantrum inside my head about how I want her to love me instead of her children, that I'd actually appreciate her unlike her children who are bound to be ungrateful twats as all children are (except me, apparently). I fantasized about random women showering me in affection and adopting me. I hurt myself really badly in a lot of different ways to try and get the attention of random women. I wanted them to see me and get worried and show that they care. (Writing this, I'm starting to think maybe the reason why I suddenly stopped caring is because I'm distracting myself by focusing on having a big brother instead.)

That part, hurting myself really badly in a lot of different ways... One of the ways is what I said I would vent about when I woke up on the 1st of May. I still don't know if I'm ready to talk about it right now. I don't think so. I'll save that for another day.

I think this is probably the longest entry I've written here. I've had a lot I wanted to get off my shoulders about Mother but didn't because I didn't feel okay to do that. There's more that I'm still not ready for. But this is a start, right? I usually don't feel much after venting on here. I have trouble figuring out whether this site is helping or making it worse because of how... the exact same I feel. But I do feel better with this one. I hope that means this site is helping, even if I can't feel that most of the time. Well, if it's not, at least investigators have this to look into when I kill myself. This site is basically a giant suicide letter. Maybe someone else who's reading this can find some good in it, too. Maybe someone sees what not to do in their life lest they end up like me. Maybe someone thinks me whining is hilarious and gets a good laugh from it. Or maybe someone will read it and feel better about themselves because as bad as they think they may be, at least they're not as pathetic as this loser (that's me).

🗝️ 1:46 p.m.: I took my medications just now. I didn't take them yesterday. I didn't get my antipsychotics, though, which is what I really need right now. I realized that they haven't been giving me my antipsychotics? Just the antidepressants and sleeping pills. It's probably because they're trying to see if it's really the antipsychotics that are making me sick. I think I might've been the one to ask to test that but forgot. I'll pay attention tonight to see if I get sick or not, so then tomorrow I can start taking my antipsychotics again.

🗝️ 12:22 p.m.: I keep hearing people talking and it's worrying me. I know it's just a hallucination because nobody is home and there's no radio or television or anything else that can be playing. But it's still scary. I keep thinking there's someone trying to (sorry) me. And I want to cry, but if I cry, then they might hear me. I'm back in my room now. I'll just stay in here until my sister and C gets home.

🗝️ 7:39 a.m.: I wrote the date wrong, and when I went to edit it, I accidentally deleted the first paragaph of the last entry. I'm so confused. I'll try to rewrite it as best as I can remember.

My brain forces me to think of bad things happening to Mimikyu, like losing him or accidentally destroying him. Or someone taking him away from me. It upsets me greatly. Mimikyu is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my remains stuffed inside him. (Ideally I want my corpse to be sent to a body farm, but there's none in my country.)

I think that was it? I'm stupid.

🗝️ 7:24 a.m.: Mimikyu is always with me, even when I go into public! People look at me strangely, but I don't care. Mimikyu comforts me and I get really scared and have a meltdown when he's not with me. It also really bothers me when somebody else touches him. When people touch him, they make him dirty. People are dirty and I try my best to hide from that reality. I try to get rid of the dirt by pressing against wherever they touched him for hours. There's worse people to touch him than others, depending on how bad the people are/bad memories I have of them. When people I really hate and have hurt me touch him, I can't stop sobbing. I don't want those people to ruin Mimikyu with their dirtiness. He's all I have.

2nd of May, 2020

🗝️ 6:06 p.m.: I've decided to not go to the Nether until 1.16 releases so I don't have to travel forever to find new biomes. But I really want to go to the Nether to get some stuff for my current projects in the Overworld. It's a bit annoying.

1st of May, 2020

🗝️ 1:49 p.m.: It's Mimikyu and I against... everything.

I'm just going to go to sleep. I'm exhausted.

When I wake up, I'm going to punish myself.

There's something I don't think I've mentioned. I've been trying to ignore it because I can't do anything about it but it's destroying me and being delusional over it is the only slight break I get from the pain it causes so I want to start being delusional over it again. But I want to sleep before I vent about it as it needs more energy than I currently have.

🗝️ 1:25 p.m.: My hands are messed up. Really messed up. Well, one is. My fingers are all torn up. I can't stop ripping skin off. They're all bloody. I wake up and they're bleeding because I do it in my sleep, too. It hurts a lot, a lot, a lot, but I can't stop because of the condition. Mother's not here to help.

I want Mother to come home. I miss her so much. I know when she's back, she's going to make me feel miserable, though. She makes me want to die. But I love her a lot. I wish she loved me too. I've tried everything to get her to love me, but it never works. I can kill myself and she wouldn't care. Well, she would. Only because it'd ruin her reputation. She always told me that kind of stuff. One that always stuck with me is when I was laying on the floor unable to breathe from an overdose. And Mother walks in and says, "You better hope you're not dying because I'm not taking you to the hospital." I already knew she didn't care and she has already said and done hurtful things, but that one really hurt. I was in so much pain and she just stared down at me laying on the floor. I'm not good at telling facial expressions, but I know she looked at me with hate. I still cry over that often.

Last hospitalization I had a breakdown and started screaming at her over the phone about that and everything else she said/done showing she doesn't care. And she acted like she didn't know who I was talking about. The staff made fun of me. I was so upset and scared and they just made fun of me. And I hung up and my sister came in the room to tell me about how Mother never did anything like that. "You hear and see things that aren't there". Yeah, maybe, but that doesn't mean all these memories are fucking hallucinations. They can hurt me as much as they want and get away with it. Because they just tell me none of it's real and make me feel guilty for having those things happen. Was it a fucking hallucination when you dragged me to the basment and molested me? What about when idiot young me accidentally let something slip and you pulled me aside to threaten me if I said anything more. What about when you told me how to tie a fucking noose and hung all my favourite stuffies and tried to get me to do that to myself. Or when you held me underwater? When you told me you wanted me to die? All those are hallucinations? Fuck you.

I'm still too sober. Hate this. I'm just going to find my benzos I guess. I can't stop myself.

🗝️ 1:12 p.m.: I took my medications for the first time in a few weeks. Every time I think I've finally started them again, I don't take them for weeks on end. I'm also drunk for the first time in a few weeks. Not supposed to mix, but whatever. I feel like shit.

🗝️ 11:31 a.m.: Damn it. They killed the gorgeous man. Drooling every time he came on screen was the only reason I managed to get this far. Lame.

I mean, it'd be fine if the rest of the movie was just his corpse, but obviously they moved on. What a waste.

🗝️ 9:11 a.m.: I'm going to spend the day watching all the terrible horror films I can get TOTALLY LEGALLY WITH NO PIRATING AT ALL BECAUSE PIRATING IS VERY VERY BAD AND I DON'T DO THAT. I don't know if I can find any worse than the ones I've already seen, but I hope to find one that's incredibly hilarious because I need something to laugh at.

🗝️ 9:06 a.m.: Do grown women have nothing better to do with their lives than make fun of and abuse autistic boys? Seriously, what the fuck.

🗝️ 7:27 a.m.: There's a bunch of things I end up writing here, only to delete. I think I'll just dump them randomly.

🗝️ 6:00 a.m.: Nevermind. I realized that having this site is the only thing keeping me mildly sane while I'm not able to get my medications changed. I'm fairly certain if I didn't have this to vent or distract myself, I'd start believing 5G causes coronavirus and get arrested for burning 5G towers. Or I'd just run onto oncoming traffic. Either one is very likely.

🗝️ 3:35 a.m.: I think I'm going to disappear for a bit. I don't know. Maybe not. I can't deal with this anymore. I might be back soon.

🗝️ 2:19 a.m.: I want a priest to fall in love with me, but there's a lot of problems with that.

30th of April, 2020

🗝️ 7:46 p.m.: Why did God abandon me

🗝️ 7:10 p.m.: I swear, I'm getting stupider the older I get. I was smarter than I am now when I was 6 years old. It frightens me that it's impossible for me to stop it. I'm helpless. I can't do anything on my own, but there's no one to help me. When there is, they're only using me for something/trying to hurt me. I want him back. He was the only one that ever took care of me.

🗝️ 6:49 p.m.: I can't take this anymore. But I can't kill myself right now, so I don't know how to cope until I can. I'm out of drugs.

🗝️ 6:14 p.m.: I want revenge. No matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of the anger.

Tried to write it out, but I deleted it. I don't know.

It always hurts. I couldn't stop sobbing last night, despite all those pills. I couldn't even stand with how much I took, yet I was still so sad. I just laid there for hours sobbing. The pain never goes away.

🗝️ 9:51 a.m.: I just woke up and I'm still high. I'm going to try to finish that matcha shrine.

🗝️ 1:58 a.m.: My soul hurts.

🗝️ 12:24 a.m.: I've been thinking about how great of a time it is to go missing. Because of COVID-19, they can't organize big searches for you. You're not likely to be found for quite a while. I think if they never found me, it'd be better because they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money on me. Bonus if they can't waste money on searches.

🗝️ 12:05 a.m.: I feel terrible, emotionally. I've managed to sleep more than I ever have in my entire life the past... two days, I think? I woke up constantly, but I felt so terrible that I forced myself to go back to sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I kept having nightmares, but they were honestly better than being awake. I want to overdose.

29th of April, 2020

🗝️ 1:54 a.m.: Okay, I'm done with Artbreeder (for now). I have to go obsess over religion.

🗝️ 1:38 a.m.: First one is how I'm feeling right now.

🗝️ 1:33 a.m.: Wasting time on Artbreeder again. What a lovely site.

🗝️ 1:15 a.m.: The worst that can happen is I have a psychotic episode. I'm physically safe (unless I do something to myself). So, I'll most likely be fine. Just annoying.

🗝️ 1:13 a.m.: I didn't remember the pproper dosaeg and I think I may have took too much, so I'm probably going to be delirious. I'm fine right now, just want to vomit and my nose burns.

🗝️ 1:04 a.m.: 150, 3.

I think I made a big mistake. Well, I'll find out in an hour or so. I want to vomit.

28th of April, 2020

🗝️ 7:51 a.m.: I'm exhausted. I want to go back to sleep, but I can't because I need to finish my Monster first, or else it'll go to waste. Wasting Monster is a crime !But I'm too tired to even drink it. I don't even want to write this, but I've spent the past 20 minutes laying here trying to make up my mind on if I should just sleep now or get myself to finish the Monster, so I thought writing this might help me decide. I guess I'll finish it. Then I can sleep. Why is this such a big deal to me.

🗝️ 3:25 a.m.: I woke up at 8 p.m., but went right back to sleep. I feel like I slept forever. I'm a lot calmer now, though, which is good. Probably because I'm high, but whatever.

27th of April, 2020

🗝️ 1:39 p.m.: Took the pills. Hopefully be sleeping soon. I've never liked to sleep much because of nightmares and there's monsters that try to hurt me when I'm sleeping. But I really want to sleep now, to stop thinking, stop hurting for a little bit. Deal with the pain the aftermath when I wake up.

🗝️ 1:22 p.m.: Maybe I can maybe find a priest who'll let me live him. I like priests. I trust them. I'd like to hide out in a church and have a priest take care of me. That'd make me happy. But that's probably not realistic, right? Why would any priest want to hide some disabled boy. Because they're holy men? Yes, they are. I wish I was that pure. I admire them.

🗝️ 12:45 p.m.: Everyone is out to get me. I think my family might know this site, but I'm not sure. I can't be sure. But sometimes I think I am sure, and I panic. If this site disappears one day, it's probably because I believe my family checks this site to hurt me, so I deleted it.

I'm tired of this! I hate living in fear! I hate not being able to trust anyone. I can't even trust my own brain! I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING. And I'm being monitored. I'm certain they installed security cameras and microphones to watch me, to watch me. And the worst part is no one ever believes me or takes me seriously. You can hurt a schizophrenic as much as you want, and you'll get away with it. As long as someone is diagnosed with schizophrenia, they will never be trusted. It's all in your head, they say. Then they fucking lock you up and mistreat you before throwing you back into a dangerous place. NO HELP. EVER. We're alone, all alone. No one cares. No one will take care of you. And you can't take care of yourself either, because your brain is against you. I want to escape, but there's no where to run to. Where am I supposed to go? HE'S DEAD. The other one left me for dead! A friend's? I have no friends! I literally have NO friends! Not like someone who has a bunch of friends but says they have none because they don't feel they can be open with them, I mean literally no friends. I am isolated. I don't even have online friends. I don't have acquaintances. No one ever talked to me (I don't blame them). I'm alone. Alone, alone, that thing. I don't know anyone who's not my family besides my sister's boyfriend, and he's just as bad as them. I can't stay at a friend's. Live on my own? No, I can't. I'm disabled. I'd need a caretaker, which I won't get, because Mother is against me moving out anyway. It's funny (it's not funny) how she never takes disability seriously, until I mentioned moving out, and then she told me, "No, you can't live on your own! You can't take care of yourself, you can't do anything. You need me." (Like you help me at all...) Where would I get the money to move out? How would I even begin that? I am not intelligent enough to even understand basic math, I couldn't do that, no, no.

The forest? Never an option. Hey, I might hate myself and want to die, but that doesn't mean I will readily accept any death. I have standards. Getting mauled to death by a bear is NOT a good way to go. And that's being generous anyway. With the area I live in, I'd most likely get kidnapped and spend 20 years as a sex slave by my pedophile neighbour before I get a chance to be mauled by a bear.

Suicide is the only option. but I can't kill myself right now and it's destroying me. I want this to be over already! I'm so impatient! I wish all my previous attempts worked. But they didn't and I have continued to suffer. Nothing ever gets better. Maybe for some people, but not for me. My only oppurtunites... one is dead and the other left me for dead! I have no more options! I'm doomed!

I'm so scared. I'm not a strong or brave person. I'm terrified! I'm so so scared! I'm scared of everything! This will be forever! Being locked up in a psych ward, where no one ever believes me or even helps me (they hurt me), and then sent back home! And then sent back to the psych ward again! Being tossed between the pysch ward and home every few months, for the rest of my life! I don't want that. I'm so scared. I wish I had someone I could trust. I never will. Why did he leave me? I want him back. He promised to save me but he lied and he left me when I overdosed. I'm so sad and lonely and scared. Everyone I love leaves me. Everyone I trust betrays me. I hate existing. I want to die.

🗝️ 12:28 p.m.: I have made the mistake of exposing myself to content that made me feel... beyond terrible. Full of rage and sadness. I've said this before, yes, that I'm wearing a garbage bag on this site. I don't hide the negative aspects of myself or my life. But even still, there are some things I can't bring myself to talk about on here. I have this to vent, let my thoughts out, and yet I can't do that completely. I'm still censoring myself. Some of it is due to safety concerns (I've had online stalkers/harassers/pedophiles that have caused irreversible damage and I'm trying to avoid them finding me at all costs. I feel even mentioning that I've had online stalkers will cause them to find me, so I'll probably edit this later and delete this part). But a lot of it I just can't bring myself to talk about, knowing that some people can read it. But that's the whole point of it, right? That it's not as public as other social media, but I'm not screaming directly into the void. That maybe someone can read it and understand me. But these things are so terrible, I can't have anyone knowing. Things I haven't told anyone. Ever. At all. I want to be able to share these things, but I can't. I can't even bear thinking of these things! I hate having to acknowledge these things! I try to do everything to distract myself, but it's everywhere. I can't avoid it. It's what I live in. I want to be as honest as possible. That's always been the only trait of mine I loved, my honesty. But me being honest must be just a lie, because of the things I can't share. Damn it.

I'm so fucking exhausted of the things I have to bottle up, but I can't let them out. I'm going to break soon.

🗝️ 11:20 a.m.: Okay, I'm done with the Majora's Mask shrine. Not happy with it, but whatever. I need to work on the matcha shrine now (I'm obsessed with matcha). Then I can create the ghast shrine and cry over how cute ghasts are and spread ghast propaganda!

🗝️ 10:44 a.m.: I'm trying to work on the Majora's Mask shrine, but no progress is being made. I'm not happy with anything I'm doing with it. It's frustrating. I'll probably just give up and leave it for another day. I want to make a ghast shrine, but I feel like I have to finish the rest of the shrines before that.

🗝️ 10:19 a.m.: One of my biggest pet peeves are people who say cats don't love you. That's just wrong. Not as in a bad opinion, but research has shown that cats do love their human companions. Telling someone that their cat doesn't love them is honestly cruel, in my opinion. Pets mean a lot to people. You're an absolute rotter if you tell someone their pet doesn't love them. It's even more infuriating when people try to "support" the claim that cats don't love them by comparing them to dogs! How much of an idiot do you have to be?? Cats and dogs are entirely different animals! Of course they show their love differently! What flawed logic! It's the exact same as comparing bunnies to dogs. Different animals, different behaviours. It should be obvious.

It's a pet peeve, though. Not a big deal. Just irritating and makes me want to slap them.

🗝️ 10:02 a.m.: I think I've finished the shrine for The Innocents. I'll update it in a few minutes.

🗝️ 3:39 a.m.: I should make a shrine for ghasts!!! WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT YET???

🗝️ 3:22 a.m.: Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this. I get angry easily (although it's gotten a lot better from when I was younger), and I hate it. I hate being angry. Nothing good comes from it. Humans won't change no matter how angry I get at them. All I can hope for is humans to wipe themselves out soon from their own idiocy. Nuclear war would probably be the most efficient at wiping out humans, but I don't like the damage it'll do to the planet and innocent animals. But I hope I'll be gone before then so I won't have to think about all the poor animals and be sad about it. Nobody can know for sure how it'll happen, but it's definite humans will not exist forever, and that makes me happy.

But I need to think of something happier to get rid of the anger. I'm playing Minecraft right now. Minecraft makes me happy. It's a great game. I'd go as far as to say Minecraft is one of the best video games ever. No matter what type of "gamer" you are (or even if you're not a gamer at all), there's something for you. For me, it's mobs. I love hoarding pets in Minecraft. I always have a thousand cats and dogs in my worlds. I have to tame every tamable animal I see. Farming would probably be my second favourite thing to do. I don't know. It's boring to most people, so they build automatic farms, but I like the good old manual farms. I love to plant and harvest crops. It's peaceful. I'm not fond of redstone, building, or fighting. Mobs and farming are my main thing. I want to like building, but it's hard. I suck at building things in Minecraft. I don't like it because it frustrates me. Redstone is cool, but it's also way too frustrating for me. I can't wrap my head around redstone.

My favourite thing about Minecraft though is definitely the Nether!! Especially with 1.16!!! The ghast is my favourite mob. I'm super happy that you can now "live" in the Nether with 1.16. That's probably where I'm going to spend most of my Minecraft time once it releases. The Basalt Delta is my favourite biome. Its music is great, too!

🗝️ 2:58 a.m.: I genuinely believe abortions should be mandatory and everyone should be sterilized. There's no reason to reproduce. It's disgusting. It's abusive. It's the worst thing you can do to another human being. I used to say sexual abuse was the worst thing you could do, but then I realized it's actually reproduction. Because if a person was never born, they would've never been sexually abused in the first place. Every bad thing that happens to a person is solely the fault of the parents. You're the abusive twats that decided your selfish wants of a child was top priority. And it doesn't make any sense at all?? What about all the children already existing that need parents?? Go fucking adopt them instead.

🗝️ 2:40 a.m.: I am glad I will most likely be "truly dead" before humans start "removing Autism" with CRISPR or whatever. I'm sure if I were still here for that, I'd kill all humans. I hate humans so much. I hate allistics so much. Humans are the only species that can understand doing these things are wrong, but still do it anyway. Humans need to die out already. Not only is reproduction abusive, as you're forcing someone to live in world that will only harm them (to make it worse, we are not given the right to painlessly and peacefully kill ourselves for free, despite not having a choice in being born), but humans do no good to the world. The planet would be better without us. Innocent animals suffer because of us. Humans were a mistake.

Oh, and since I brought up not being given the right to peacefully and painlessly kill ourselves whenever for free, I'd like to mention governments don't refuse this right for "ethical" reasons. No government gives a shit. If they actually cared, they'd allow it, obviously. The only reason we are not given this right is because the government profits off our suffering. Simple as that. You live, they make money. You get fucked up beyond repair, they still make money, as long as you're alive. Don't fool yourself into thinking any government actually cares about anyone. They never do.

🗝️ 1:26 a.m.: I feel a sense of dread. I'm not sure why.

26th of April, 2020

🗝️ 7:48 p.m.: I want to create an asceticism log, but I'm worried someone will think I'm encouraging what I'm doing. I don't think anyone should try depriving themselves of food and water or whatever else. I just have issues with religion that causes me to do such things.

🗝️ 7:27 p.m.: I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule, but it's not working. I ended up falling asleep at 5 a.m. I spent a few hours crying before my brain let me sleep. I don't like having to cry to sleep. I hate that it's the only way for my brain to be quiet.

🗝️ 2:42 a.m.: All the world is sleeping. I am still awake.

I chose Hell. It is my fault. God made us free, and that freedom allowed me to end up like this. I'm the one that rejected it(?).

I willingly believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful, rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside. I do not mean that the ghosts may not wish to come out of hell, in the vague fashion wherein an envious man "wishes" to be happy: but they certainly do not will even the first preliminary stages of that self-abandonment through which alone the soul can reach any good. They enjoy forever the horrible freedom they have demanded, and are therefore self-enslaved: just as the blessed, forever submitting to obedience, become through all eternity more and more free.

C.S. Lewis wrote that in The Problem of Pain.

🗝️ 2:30 a.m.: I remember the first corpse I ever saw. It was a lady who got in a car accident. She was at peace. No more suffering, no more pain. It was beautiful.

I wish I had that peace, too.

Instead, I'm a ghost. Dead but alive. A miserable creature. This is my punishment. I want to die for good. I don't want to start again. I don't want to come back. No matter how much I pray, I am doomed. A sinner like me never changes.

🗝️ 2:18 a.m.: I'm exhausted. I want to sleep, but I can't.

🗝️ 1:00 a.m.: Madagascar hissing cockroaches are illegal as well, sadly. Everything is illegal here. The government has a single braincell and its spent on maintaining a good image to the outside world.

🗝️ 12:36 a.m.: Mother said it's okay for me to have a pet millipede! I was so happy, but then I learnt it's illegal to buy/sell millipedes. I'd have to go out and find my own in the wild. I'm really sad because of this. I love millipedes so much. I want one so badly. I know I probably should've known that beforehand, but I figured they're legal because... they're millipedes. Why would they be illegal? I only found out because I couldn't find anyone selling millipedes in my country.

Mother is considering letting me get a tarantula because she feels bad I can't get a millipede. That has me excited! I love tarantulas! But even if I did get one, I'd be a bit sad I still can't get a millipede. If I live to 18 (probably not), I hope I can move to another country (but I'd need someone with me/a caretaker, so that's next to impossible) where I can get one.

25th of April, 2020

🗝️ 7:16 a.m.: I will renovate(?) Nekyia.

🗝️ 6:09 a.m.: My bunny is mean. I was going to write how she's grooming my Peter Rabbit stuffie and how cute it was, and then she peed! She's litter-trained, so she knows to not pee wherever she wants. She's just trying to bully me. I can't be mad, though, she's too cute to be mad at!

🗝️ 5:50 a.m.: I put the music player back. I didn't mean to get rid of it, I just decided to take it down until I found a skin for it that better fit the new colours. But I couldn't find one, so it's still grey.

🗝️ 4:23 a.m.: I think I might be slipping again. I can't do anything about it, so I just have to accept it. Being aware of this(?) won't last long(? lucid?), so soon I won't be worried about it. I'll try to keep my mind off it until that happens.

24th of April, 2020

🗝️ 11:24 p.m.: So, I don't know what I should get first... Madagascar hissing cockroaches or a millipede. I love them both a lot! They're both some of my favourites! But millipedes are my #1, for sure. But in the end, it depends on what bothers Mother the least. Even though she'd never see them (they'd be with me in my room), she's told me it still grosses her out. I think the millipede might be easier for her to get used to? I'm not sure, though. I'll have to ask her.

I want to gush about how great millipedes are. There exists no creature on this planet as cute as millipedes (well, bunnies and bats are probably equal). They look incredible when they move, too. If you stare at their legs when they walk (Crawl? I don't know the right word), it's hypnotizing!

Oh, I should make a shrine to arthropods where I can gush about all my favourites! My favourites (in order from most to least favourite) are millipedes, Madagascar hissing cockroaches, tarantulas, and beetles in general. I also love moths and bees. I love most, honestly. Arthropods are amazing.

🗝️ 11:15 p.m.: I saw a cute spider! Happy Lucius! They're so cute, all I want to do is hug them! But you can't do that without killing them... Life's not fair.

🗝️ 7:50 p.m.: I wanted to work on my shrines, but I kept getting some error message every time I saved. And the error message was some html. I don't get it. But I think it's gone now? Well, I'll see if I can save this.

🗝️ 9:11 a.m.: I can't stop creating these horrors.

🗝️ 8:25 a.m.: I found this site called Artbreeder. It allows you to endlessly mix images, creating absolute abominations. I'm addicted to it. It's all I've been doing for the past two hours or so. Here's some of my lovely children.

🗝️ 2:44 a.m.: Ahhh, this is not helping. I still feel like I'm going to vomit all the water out of my body. I'll try to eat an American parfait and pray that it gets my blood sugar up enough to avoid vomiting. I'm pretty sure that's what the medications are doing because it's the same sickness as when I don't eat for days. But I could be wrong, and this won't help at all. Worth a try, I suppose.

Oh, and that's what I've been samefooding. I've only been eating American parfaits, profiteroles, and strawberry mochi. I can't eat anything else. It goes in cycles, the samefooding thing. I'll only be able to eat one or a few foods for anywhere from a week to a month. I can't eat anything else without having a meltdown. Then it suddenly changes and I can only eat a few different foods.

My bunny flopped down on my lap! She's so cute! I could stare at bunnies for hours and be entertained, even if they're not doing anything. Watching them eat is cute, too! I don't know. Just the way they eat is adorable. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED WHEN THEY WASH THEMSELVES. They stand on their back legs and lick their paws then rub their face and ears... Too cute! Way too cute! And they look hilarious when they yawn. Such precious creatures.

Not my bunny, just a random picture from Google, but this is what a bunny looks like when they yawn. Hysterical.

🗝️ 2:23 a.m.: One last vent about my stupid psychiatrist, I promise. This is some of the stupid quackery she has pushed on me instead of actually helping.

The vitamin one was especially bad because of the reason it was brought up. I don't want to get into it, but my mental health issues had my body about to drop dead any moment, and that's all the advice she gave me. No medications. No therapy. Just told me to take vitamins every morning. I personally don't care what would've happened to me, and I'm aware of pseudoscience, but imagining her saying that to someone else in my situation who didn't understand (or just wasn't offered real help) makes me SO ANGRY because of how dangerous it is. I hate her so much. I want another psychiatrist, but I can't get another one right now.

🗝️ 2:20 a.m.: The bruises were from them injecting me and taking blood, by the way. I don't think the hospital staff were beating me in my blackout lol.

🗝️ 2:07 a.m.: I revoke basically all my diagnoses. I don't know if that's possible, but whatever. I say so! I'm just an autistic schizophrenic. That's it. I don't have Borderline Personality disorder. I don't have any anxiety disorder. Depression, maybe. I can see why they diagnosed me with that, but I feel like it's just my personality to be sad. But they say that's part of depression, so that one is whatever. I don't agree, but it doesn't upset me much to be told I have it. But everything else, especially BPD, is bullshit. All the symptoms are literally just part of being autistic and schizophrenic. I feel like my psychiatrist just loves to diagnose. I don't even know if I still have that BPD diagnosis, actually. Because she said she believes I have it, but then after another hospitalization, she said she doesn't think I have it anymore because I didn't throw a temper tantrum during my stay. But then the next hospitalization, I lost my mind completely, so she might say I have it again. The last hospitalization was schizophrenia and being on an incredible amount of drugs, but knowing her, she probably decided I have it again anyway. I was blacked out for the first two or three days of my hospitalization and I woke up covered in bruises and was told I was being a piece of shit during the blackout. And I continued being a piece of shit, making weapons, stabbing things, and screaming. Lol. I feel bad for the other patients because the psych ward I go to is tiny and you can hear everything.

🗝️ 1:58 a.m.: I took my medications and I'm feeling weak and ill again. I'm going to pass out in my vomit again, I can tell. Whatever. I'll just smoke to cope.

I want to have my medications changed, but that's hard to do right now. I apparently have to talk to my doctor on the phone soon to get my injections refilled. And then I'd have to do the same with my terrible psychiatrist. How does she still have her job... she's literally promoted quackery to me before instead of actually helping me. And she diagnoses and undiagnoses constantly. So annoying. Which I don't really want to do, so I might just put up with these meds making me sick until I can go to her office again.

🗝️ 1:13 a.m.: Mother got a cat where she is. She said she's coming home with her! Yay! The cat is named Coco because it's part of the name of the town they're staying in. But she said it's just a nickname and she wants me to come up with a proper name. Which is... not a good idea. I'm terrible at naming things. For example, one of my original characters is named Cello. And one of my stuffies is named Mr. BunBun. Naturally, I'd say my favourite female names (Alice or Annabelle), but Mother doesn't like pets having "human" names. So, I don't know what to tell her. I kind of want to name her after an instrument, but I don't think Mother would like that.

🗝️ 1:07 a.m.: I wonder why "there're" and "those're" are rarely used. They aren't incorrect, but it's rare to see them being used for some reason.

🗝️ 1:01 a.m.: Whatever. I don't want to be upset tonight. I'll talk about something else, something happier...

Well, I already started that Minecraft world I was talking about. I don't know if I'll make a new one for 1.16 or not. I made this one today just to play until 1.16 releases, but I ended up really liking this world already, so I might just keep this one. I like the spawn. It's the Taiga biome with a village nearby in a pretty spot surrounded by mountains. I decided to make my house in the village. On one of the mountains, I'm going to build a cathedral. Those are all my ideas right now.

🗝️ 12:32 a.m.: We'll never have true freedom when adults can't make informed decisions on what substances they want to put in their own bodies that hurt no one except POSSIBLY themselves. God, I hate that street drugs are illegal. It should all be about harm-reduction. Illegalization causes unnecessary misery. It increases the stigma, so nobody can get help if they want it or need it. It leads to countless overdoses that could've been prevented. And it's just a violation of human rights born out of racism and hatred of people with mental health issues. If people ACTUALLY CARED, they'd support harm-reduction. You can be confident what you're taking... what is is and how much it is. People can be taught FACTS and not biased bullshit that hurts people. Let people know the pros and cons. Teach them how to be safe as possible. But no, instead we'll pretend we care while treating anyone that does drugs (especially those with addiction) as monsters that should be killed or thrown into jail their whole lives for making an informed decision of what to do with their own body.

Next we'll be locking people up for self-harming. Oh, wait...

It also just makes no sense how one of the hardest drugs ever, alcohol, is legal and socially acceptable. It's highly addictive and one of the few drugs that has withdrawals so bad it can kill you. But you can't snort some ket or eat some shrooms without getting thrown into prison for 10 years. There's no logic in this whatsoever. Fuck the government. Fuck the police. Fuck everyone that supports them. You ruined my brother's life and I'll never forgive anyone.

23rd of April, 2020

🗝️ 6:38 a.m.: Once 1.16 releases, I'm going to start a new survival world, and I'll make a new page on this site about Minecraft. I'll use it to talk about whatever I'm doing in my Minecraft world and Minecraft in general. It sounds like fun, so why not?

🗝️ 6:04 a.m.: I want to get fucked by a beautiful priest in a church because I am a filthy sinner with an unhealthy obsession with religion due to personal issues. That's all I wanted to say.

🗝️ 12:34 a.m.: Time to hyperfixate on speleology and watch a billion cave documentaries!

🗝️ 12:01 a.m: I feel so bad. So guilty, so embarrassed, so pathetic. I really hate myself. I hate being autistic. I'm a failure. I can't do anything. I'm retarded. And I make life harder for everyone. I should be killed. I'll never be a functioning member of society. I'll always be some childish retard leeching off his mother because he can't live on his own or have a job or do ANYTHING someone my age should be able to do. Mother is literally doing my schoolwork now, because I am so retarded, I cannot do my own work in A SPECIAL NEEDS SCHOOL. That's incredibly embarrassing. And I feel so guilty, too. Poor Mother. She does so much for me and I'm so ungrateful. I always complain about how she treated me and I don't even know if those memories I have are even real or not, because everyone says I'm just delusional and I was never abused or neglected. But I see she has nice moments and sometimes she does really try and go out of her way to help me, and yet I'm so selfish and ungrateful. and she always had to put up with my father too so I feel even more bad about hating her often. I know if I was never born everything would be so much better. I wouldn't have hurt all the people I hurt. My family would be so much bbetter off without me. And society would be, too. There's no place for people like me in this world because I provide nothing to society. I just take up everyone's resources. I hate myself so much and I'm really sorry for everything.

22nd of April, 2020

🗝️ 11:35 p.m.: She said she's going to come home whenever the airport is open again. That might be a while, but at least she's not staying away forever.

🗝️ 11:28 p.m.: Ah, I texted Mother about it. I was kind of worried she'd make fun of me for it, but she agreed that what they're doing is stupid and mean. So that made me feel a bit better. She said she'll tell them to stop, but I don't think that's going to work, because she's told them to stop it before. And they keep doing it because they're jerks. But I hope they will listen.

Oh, she just offered to buy me a special place to put my things so nobody but me can get them anymore. That makes me really happy. I hate being this way. I hate being autistic. But I can't change no matter how much I hate it, so I just wish people would respect my needs. Even though I know that it's dumb and I'm a burden. So it makes me happy Mother is understanding me now. She never used to. I don't want to talk about it, but it;s only recently she started to understand I cannot change and respect that. It means a lot to me.

🗝️ 11:18 p.m.: I want Mother to come back home. She's not perfect, no, but she's better than these two. They're only here right now to supervise me because I'm not trusted. Mother has been away for months now, she's in another country. And I just want her to come home and these two to leave. They stress me out so much. I can't handle it.

🗝️ 11:06 p.m.: And they do that with my food, too. I can't eat a lot of foods. I have few foods I'm able to eat. And Mother gives the money to buy MY food because my sister and C are supposed to pay for their own. And yet they will eat my food anyway, that isn't even theirs, that they weren't even given the money for. Mother gives them the money FOR ME because she understands how I am. And they eat all of it. So there's nothing I can eat. I literally just don't eat if my foods not there, so I starve myself and get very sick. They have a whole bunch of food they can eat, but they always choose mine. Oh, poor them, having to deal with the burden of an autistic little brother! It's not like they're going out of their way to make it harder for them and destroy my mental health (they are).

I understand allistics will never understand. They think it's silly and I should "get over it". But after 17 years, they should know that's not going to happen, even if they still don't understand it and think its silly. It's not hard at all to avoid using my stuff. They won't have to deal with me getting upset, and I won't have to deal with unnecessary meltdowns. They are literally choosing to make it harder for everyone. Why? I don't know. Probably just so they can complain and get sympathy because they have to deal with a little brother with "the Autism Disease".

🗝️ 11:01 p.m.: I'm so fucking angry. I stabbed some stuff to try and calm down but I'm still so upset. I hate them. I hate them. THEY KEEP USING MY COMFORT ITEMS. THEY'RE MINE. They're not autistic. They can use whatever they want, while I'm stuck using the same few items only, and I can't handle other people using them. But they continue using them anyway because allistics are terrible people. Then they act like they have it so hard when I get upset even though they're the one going out of their way to make me have meltdowns. I can't change, I'll never stop being autistic, but they can just simply chose another plate or another spoon or another fork or another towel or whatever. ANYTHING ELSE. Since there's so much else, all for them! And these are all I have. I hate them so much. I want to kill them.

🗝️ 9:52 p.m.: I slept instead of doing anything. The first thing I do when I wake up is get high because I'm always impulsively suicidal when I open my eyes and realize I have to face another day. I'm still quite sad, though. Thinking of him again. And how all his family and friends hate me because they think I'm the one that killed him.

And I was. They're right. He killed himself because I was a burden. I don't check his social media anymore because it's not my place. He loved me, and I loved him, but it's not my place anymore. I threw our love in the trash with my selfish actions.

🗝️ 7:09 a.m.: I want to visit Mère et Père, but that's not the best idea right now. I'm fairly certain neither my sister or her boyfriend or I have COVID-19, but I don't want to take any chances. Could always catch it on the way there, too, since they live don't live in the middle of nowhere like us. Honestly, I just want to visit to drink all their alcohol in their bar because I'm trashy. Getting away from C and my sister would be a bonus.

🗝️ 7:07 a.m.: I'm going to dye my overall shorts black. Might put some patches on it, too. I don't know.

🗝️ 6:58 a.m.: Oh, and drinking 2-5 Monster Energy drinks a day and barely eating. And only sweets when I do eat. That's probably not very healthy.

Anyway, I haven't slept. That's not new. I'm excruciatingly bored. I want to go urban exploring today, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'll probably just replay Resident Evil and make more lists on Listography all day.

🗝️ 6:51 p.m.: Popping cancer-causing pills, drinking lean and alcohol, smoking and vaping constantly, and I complain about my shitty physical health. LOL. I laugh at myself.

🗝️ 1:55 a.m.: Okay, no more... no more changing the theme... for at least a month.

21st of April, 2020

🗝️ 7:43 p.m.: This used to be Ju-On "themed", I think, when I originally made this. I'm probably going to turn it back to that (and hopefully leave it that way because I'm annoying myself with how often I change this).

🗝️ 7:27 p.m.: Does it even matter what the answer is? (No.) We never win.

🗝️ 7:20 p.m.: Sounded, looked. I'm an idiot.

🗝️ 7:17 p.m.: "Do we forget to move on, or do we stop caring?"

I forgot his voice, too. I can't remember what he sounds like. I barely remember his face. If I didn't have pictures of him, I'd have completely forgotten what he looks like.

🗝️ 3:21 a.m.: I just got this as an ad. And hey, it worked. I clicked it. Never once clicked a YouTube ad before, so this man's got it figured out.

🗝️ 1:11 a.m.: And there's nothing wrong with admitting you care. I care, that's why I decided to write that.

🗝️ 12:56 a.m.: How do you say you "don't give a fuck" when all you do is whine about people having slightly different opinions than yours. Reality is that if you state you don't care often, it's because you care. If you truly didn't care, you wouldn't care about having people think you don't care. You'd just ignore it.

20th of April, 2020

🗝️ 9:09 p.m.: I feel very weak. It's hard to breathe again. Not a panic attack but the strange "tired lungs" thing I talked about before. Breathing takes so much energy. I want to get some tea, but I can't stand.

🗝️ 8:30 p.m.: Watching The Wingnut Blazeup and I wish I was as high as these two women we're currently focused on.

🗝️ 5:55 p.m.: I've been wanting to have the theme of this be Konosuke Mori (from The Laughing Vampire by Suehiro Maruo), but then it'd be monochrome. I love monochrome, don't get me wrong, but my Tumblr blog is already monochrome. So shouldn't I use this to have something different? What I really want is to have this site be a greyish-purple (don't know the colour name), but it's hard to find suitable graphics. The main thing is the "icon", or sidebar artwork, whatever it's called. I don't like using random artwork I see. I always check to see if the artist says use for icons with credit is okay or if any use isn't allowed. Finding artwork with the colour I want that is OK to use is hard.

🗝️ 5:02 p.m.: When we were in the forest yesterday, C found something (I don't know what it is). Some type of metal that he said is great for making blades. He said he's going to make me a knife with it. I'm excited. I used to collect knives until they took them all away from me for being "insane". I've been waiting to restart my collection!

🗝️ 4:39 p.m.: Seriously? I thought the monitoring was close to stopping, but apparently they randomly lost all trust in me again and they're watching me take my meds. It's weird. It's my prescription meds, antipsychotics and antidepressants, they aren't recreational in the slightest. And they only give me my dose, so it's not like I'd overdose. But they're forcing me to take my meds in front of them again. It's not like they're trying to get me to take them and I don't want to. I asked for them. I have no idea what they're doing.

🗝️ 4:32 p.m.: Oh, nice. They were out this morning and C got me a bunch more shells.

🗝️ 4:17 p.m. I can't stop crying.

🗝️ 5:24 a.m.: Yes, okay, fourth or fifth day awake now. Neat. Hope that means when I finally pass out, I don't wake up for a week.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of everything. Every day is the same. Feel miserable. Nothing gets better. Won't change because it can't change, my situation or myself. I know I need to be admitted to the psych ward, but I can't. I don't imagine it's even open with this COVID-19 stuff. And honestly, I don't want to go back there. Been there... like, what, five times in 2019? Once already this year. Almost twice, but I managed to convince them to not admit me after I was forced to the emergency room for no reason. So... I know already that it doesn't help. They just keep you prisoner for a week or two so you can't kill yourself then. But as soon as I'm out, I'm attempting again. What other options are there? Therapy? No. They closed my damn case because Mother refused to bring me to therapy. And again, not like that matters any since it never helped. I've been dealing with this literally my ENTIRE life, I know there's no hope. Nothing for me.

I know Mother said she's planning on sending me to some group home. But that's going to be the exact same as the hospital psych ward. Unhelpful. If anything, makes it worse.

I think I might've done too much. My organs are hurting a lot. It'll go away soon, but it's annoying. I'm feeling really impulsive right now. I want to just leave the house and head to the bridge. I'm not going to, though. Not right now. Plus, I couldn't. Whatever the fuck I did to my body is hurting my organs a lot. I can't really get up and walk around, much less take a leap.

I wish I could sleep this away. Can't. Can't sleep. Not tired. I think I'm going to go take some random shit for funsies. Actually, you know what'd be nice right now? Ambien. Ambien's hilarious. I don't have any, though. Ugh. I need something to do. Actually, I think I might be able to sleep now. I'll try. If I can't, I'll just go lay on the floor and cuddle my cat or something.

🗝️ 5:05 a.m.: Need a bottle of whiskey and some heroin.

🗝️ 4:55 a.m.: I still love you. Sorry I keep saying that. I don't know what love is. Right? Because that's not how you treat someone you love. But I love(d) you. I feel so empty. Even after all this, when I think of you, it's only to wallow in self-pity. It's never actually about you. I don't feel bad for you. I feel bad for losing you. I feel bad for never having you. All about me, always. Always, always, always. Does it even matter? I don't even hear you. I should be able to, shouldn't I? Why can't I hear you? You should talk to me. You've never talked to me even once since you died. What the fuck? Why can I hear others, but not you? Were you even real? Probably not. I'm just a lunatic.

🗝️ 4:43 a.m.: She told me I felt the least alive out of them all. I agree with her. I'm the deadest "living person". Blood is pumping inside of this rotting corpse. Punishment for my sins.

🗝️ 3:18 a.m.: Dang it. 4/20 is supposed to be a happy day, but here I am being negative again. I'm going to try not to post anything negative for the rest of today. If I do, I give permission for anyone that might be reading this to beat my face in. I won't press charges.

🗝️ 3:13 a.m.: Let my entire site here be a warning to NOT end up like me. I'm the exact opposite of a role model. You know, what people point to when they say, "Don't do ___, or you'll end up like this." If there's any good that can come from me constantly complaining about my life online, it'll be inspiring others to not end up like me. Shit's not worth it. Talk to someone. Look after yourself.

🗝️ 3:04 a.m.: Short timeline was basically: 12 years old, started abusing prescription drugs. They weren't recreational, but I abused them as a form of self-harm because of how sick they made me. 14 years old, became an alcoholic. Sobered up for a brief period when I couldn't get any more alcohol, but ended up relapsing later on. 15 years old, alcoholism SUPER bad. Became a stoner (not a bad thing). 16 years old, started the benzos and the opioids and a bunch of other stuff. Literally never sober. Went to school fucked up and brain-dead. Continued until December for the reason I mentioned below this. And now it's just smoking and sometimes alcohol when I get my hands on it.

🗝️ 2:42 a.m.: Hm... Probably going to pop some bars later. But these ones are prescription! I haven't touched benzos since December. They're my DOC and completely destroyed my life (be careful with benzos, they're one of the hardest drugs, one of the only drugs that have withdrawals that can kill you, they're not something to screw around with). I overdosed on them and some other stuff, I think it was alcohol and some opioids, and was hospitalized. So that's why I haven't been on them. Not by choice, just being monitored constantly. The thing is, I have an EXTREMELY high benzo tolerance so I'd have to take all of my script at once. And they'd know without a doubt I relapsed. But honestly... screw it. I need them. It's been so long without them. I want to blackout again and be a zombie.

They hide them in their bedroom, so I'll just sneak in later to get them.

My experience with addiction is best summed up as constantly alternating between these two mindsets:

1. Drugs took everything away from me. I’m just waiting for drugs to finally take my life.

2. Drugs make me so happy and inspired and a better person and are literally the only reason I’m alive.

🗝️ 2:16 a.m.: C is probably going to make weed brownies today, and I will eat them ALL.


Happy 4/20, by the way. Greatest Holiday.

19th of April, 2020

🗝️ 11:53 p.m.: One of my stupidest dreams is to go on a freight-hopping journey with someone. Just run away from the world, jumping from trains to different towns. Smoke weed and watch the world go by together from some uncomfortable freight car. No longer trapped. Just to be free, you know? And you have to have that risk that comes with freight-hopping, or else it wouldn't be truly freeing! Doing it alone wouldn't be fun to me, though. That's why I want to have a friend with me.

I want to feel like a person.

🗝️ 11:41 p.m.: I don't know how long I've been awake for. Three days?? Four?? I can't keep track of time. I can't sleep.

🗝️ 9:48 p.m.: I am genuinely enraged at this woman for how she treats the dead. I want to curbstomp her. I hate people that disrespect the dead. Cemeteries aren't your playground to be an edgy sociopathic twat that vandalizes graves to get invisible Pinterest clout. Rot in Hell and stay away from my friends.

🗝️️ 6:44 p.m.: So, not to sound like a stalker, but I saw that man I was talking about a few days ago. The boy who treated me kindly in school but changed schools before we could become friends. I saw him, yes. But he didn't see me. I only caught a glimpse. We were speeding down the road past his house and I saw him hanging around the side of the road in his yard. I couldn't see what he was doing well, but I think he may have been gardening. But that made me happy anyway! He's still here... I hope maybe I can get back in touch with him. Before it's too late.

🗝️ 6:18 p.m.: It's gotten so bad again, C had to bandage both my hands. But there wasn't proper tape, so it's probably going to fall off soon, oops.

Lots of BAD, but at least my bandages are pretty cute, yes!

🗝️ 5:18 p.m.: I'm back home now. Not much actual urban exploring (abandoned buildings) today. Mainly just ran around the forest digging up trash. My older sister found a deer skull and I found the shotgun shell that shot it. I found a lot of shotgun shells everywhere we went, actually. I also found a nifty little antique razor blade. I plan on making art with this random junk I find in the woods. Dolls, mainly. I want to make the weirdest dolls ever with all this trash!

I don't have many pictures. I have a few I took on my phone of this car, though (and moss). Again, walked a long way to find this. We met some EMTs along the way with their cadaver dog.

I LOVE moss. It's sensory heaven. So soft. So pretty. SO TASTY. I've never actually eaten moss, but it looks tasty!

The trunk is a decent place to sleep. I don't know. It just looks cozy to me. I love small spaces. I want to just chill in the trunk.

🗝️ 10:13 a.m.: Going to spend the day urban exploring again. Oh, and I forgot to mention this when I posted the pictures a while back, but there was a kitty (grown cat) hanging around the abandoned farm. I didn't see him, but C did. He said he looks well-fed (so probably an outside pet of somebody in the area), so that made me happy. I don't like seeing sad animals.

🗝️ 9:13 a.m.: It's changed again. I'll probably change the theme/colours every now and then, but I think I'll stick with this layout. I wish I could just decide. Oh, and I added my Discord in case anyone needs to contact me for some reason. It's the only way to contact me because my DMs are turned off on Tumblr.

18th of April, 2020

🗝️ 11:15 p.m.: I want to change my site again. I can't decide what I want. I'm annoying myself with this.

🗝️ 10:08 p.m.: Nevermind. I don't know what I was thinking. It's impossible for me to run away. I'm trapped and doomed. I want to die.

🗝️ 9:34 p.m.: I don't have any friends I can stay with. He's dead, so our old plan isn't an option. I live in the middle of nowhere, so unless I want to get mauled by a bear, I'll need to run away when I'm in the city. I don't know when that'll be. I don't go to the city often, especially with the pandemic. I might try looking online for a stranger that'll let me stay. I highly doubt there's anyone who wants a random disabled boy leeching off them, but it's worth a shot, right? The only people are probably going to keep me as their sex slave, actually. Maybe not a good idea. But I might end up trying it anyway because I'm desperate.

🗝️ 9:33 p.m.: I think I might run away soon. I don't know where to. I just need to get out of here. I want to escape.

🗝️ 9:17 p.m.: I'm equally angry at the world and mself.

🗝️ 3:33 a.m.: I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud.

🗝️ 3:30 a.m.: I miss my bartard days. When I blacked out for days on end, only having vague memories now and then of destroying my life and the people I love. When nothing ever hurt because the pain couldn't reach my zombified brain.

🗝️ 3:27 a.m.: Never high enough. I don't want to be concious.

🗝️ 3:12 a.m.: I miss you.

I'm starting to be able to listen to our music again. I'm glad.

17th of April, 2020

10:34 p.m.: It's interesting how people online think I'm not autistic because I can type. I've been seriously told that before, by grown adults. And it always blows my mind. Do a lot of people think like that? I'm actually severely autistic. I mentioned this before, but everyone in real life thinks I have an intellectual disability (my autism is a disability but it's not an intellectual disability, they're different things) because of how low-functioning I am. I cannot speak properly. I cannot use keys. I cannot use buttons or zippers. I struggle with doorknobs. I cannot open bottles, containers, etc. I'm constantly stimming in "socially unacceptable" ways (rocking, humming, biting, hitting myself, chewing and sucking on everything). I cannot understand "basic" concepts like "basic" math or how to read the clocks that aren't digital (I don't know what they're called). I can't stand or sit properly. My sensory issues are extreme. Everything is a ritual and I get suicidal or homicidal whenever someone distrupts it.

I don't understand how typing somehow erases all of this. Typing (or writing) is pretty much the only way I can properly communicate. If you were to talk to me in person, there's a decent chance I wouldn't be able to talk at all. And if I could, you probably wouldn't understand me. Stuttering. Incorrect words/grammar/phrasing. Inability to pronounce most things. Repeating the same words over and over. Repeating whatever you said over and over. And then having a meltdown when I get upset I can't talk.

This makes me want to vent about... those people. You know, the allistics that self-diagnose themselves with autism because they fetishize us. See some pretty stimboard on Tumblr and decide they're now autistic and they can speak over us. Just because you're shy or stim doesn't make you autistic! It makes you like every other human being in this world! These types of people, while they self-dx themselves and fetishize us, they go out and abuse actual autistics to the point of suicide because, well, they're actually autistic. We actually have autistic traits. Especially autistic boys and men. It's so disgusting. Predatory. That's why I prefer allistics that treat us poorly but don't self-dx. They're still terrible, don't get me wrong, but at least they're not fetishizing us.

Autistics have to deal with life-long abuse. Every single day. And that's on top of the stuff our brains trouble us with, like sensory issues, meltdowns, cognitive dysfunction. I hate these people so much! So insensitive. Just because you find eye contact awkward does not make us the same! How could you think you're a good person when you equate your "silly quirks" to the abuse we face?? I've literally been to the emergency room for extreme pain, and got made fun of SO BADLY by the HOSPITAL STAFF for being autistic that I went home because I decided the extreme physical pain was easier to bear than the fucking nurses' abuse. Every psych ward I've been to, I've been made fun of by the staff for being autistic. I've been physically and emotionally abused by multiple teachers for being autistic. I've been bullied by students for being autistic. I've been treated terribly by my family for being autistic. EVERYONE TREATS AUTISTICS TERRIBLY. And those were just some of my experiences, a lot of other autistics have experienced WAY worse than I have for being autistic! So we have every right to hate these rotters.

Oh, and don't forget we have to deal with being told being autism is a disease that needs to be cured. But it's impossible for autistics to be themselves without being autistic. So we spend our lives not knowing who we "really" are or what is this "monster named Autism". That's a terrible thing to experience. And some of us will realize that autism is inseperable from us, but we still have to deal with everyone saying autism is a disease. And promoting "cures". Promoting genocide. Telling us we need to die and our existence is wrong. There's giant organizations deemed "progressive" and "altruistic" internationally that are literally devoted to killing us all. All possible outcomes an autistic can experience from this are miserable.

That all goes for schizophrenia too, the whole self-diagnosers fetishizing schizophrenia but then abusing schizophrenics until they kill themselves. And also, do they understand what schizophrenia even is? I mean, obviously not if you believe self-diagnosis is valid, but do they know the most basic definition of schizophrenia? You can't tell if you have a psychotic disorder because YOU'RE PSYCHOTIC. YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FICTION AND REALITY. That's not to say you can't have a psychotic disorder and spot a hallucination, you can, but that requires actually being diagnosed, being on meds, and a bunch of stuff.

Okay. I'm done being angry now. I don't like to be angry these days. It makes me feel petty. Being angry is just... a waste. Nothing will change. People will always be terrible. But still, I wanted to get that out. I'm going to go make some tea then come back to write something more positive to get my mind off this anger.

10:25 p.m.: No infection. They're healing well despite no gauze. Green light, I'll do more.

7:12 p.m.: I promised myself I'd never abandon this Minecraft world for at least the rest of 2020, but I couldn't keep that promise. Time for a new survival world!

4:47 p.m.: YAY! I have a giant bottle of carrot juice!! I love vegetables! (Fruits are way better, though).

4:13 p.m.: My sister is out, so I asked if she could buy me an American parfait. That has a lot of sugar in it. It's yummy too! So if I can't eat this, then I'm doomed.

4:08 p.m: I'm still feeling ill and weak. I can't stand or walk. But it's much better than it was this morning. I know I'm going to vomit again later if this doesn't stop. This happens often when I don't eat for a day, I think it's low blood sugar/hypoglycemia? But I ate enough yesterday to not get this sick, so I think it's my antipsychotics this time. Every time I take them, I get sick like this. I don't know why. I don't think it's a common side effect.

I know I should eat to get my blood sugar up, but I can't. Just thinking of eating makes me want to vomit.

7:30 a.m.: Ugh. I woke up an hour ago and felt extremely sick. I tried to go get tea then, but I couldn't because I was too weak to stand up. I ended up collapsing and laying on the floor for 10-15 minutes before I crawled back to my bed and fell asleep. Then I woke up again and immediately vomited 10 times. I didn't eat anything, so it's clear. Gross. What a lovely start to the day.

16th of April, 2020

8:32 p.m.: Birds chirping at night... it's nice.

5:52 p.m.: I feel much better now. I don't know why I've been feeling happier these past few days. Whatever the reason is, I know I'm going to crash hard. But I'll ignore that and just enjoy the little happiness I have at the moment.

I said I was going to get back into a schedule today, but I slept and messed everything up. I'm going to have to start sleeping "normally". But it's hard when I have no reason to be awake in the day and I prefer the night. I'd have no problem doing my schedule at night, but since I'm never alone now, I can't or I'll wake them up.

4:34 p.m.: I want to block his number, but I'm worried he'll come back to beat my ass if I do.


4:28 p.m.: I thought I was over my idiotic anger issues but I guess not.

4:04 p.m.: Are you being serious. I'm going to lose my temper. I want to kill them. I'm going to try my best to ignore this.

2:36 a.m.: I'm crying. They're calling me to the cemetery. I want to visit, but I can't right now. It'll have to wait until the sun comes up. But it's overwhelming. I want to lay on the cold ground and listen to what they have to say. I love being around the dead. It's home. Happy tears thinking about it.

1:16 a.m.: I believe I've been here three times. Now/the present, during the 1880s, and the early 20th century. I died somewhere between 6-13 years old in both those lives. I don't believe in reincarnation, so I have no idea why I'd be reincarnated multiple times. And I don't know what I've been doing for the time I wasn't here. I hope that this "life" is my last and I'll finally be at peace.

I don't remember much about either. I do remember more about the 1880s, though. I know for sure I was a pianist. I remember playing the piano a lot.

I think the most likely answer to why this happened is... punishment. I have no idea what I did that was so terrible I've been dropped into this cruel world three seperate times just to suffer, but I'm fed up. I want to die for real! No more of this!

1:01 a.m.: I don't believe I've mentioned this yet. A few months ago, I found what I believe may be my grave. I don't know for certain, so I'm not going to make any claims. I'm also not going to give any specific details about it. I don't want to upset any potential surviving relatives. The only thing I will say is that it's in the Cimitero Acattolico. I want to find out more... but again, I don't want to upset any surviving relatives (if there are any). I might search the archives.

12:51 a.m.: Tomorrow (today), I will return to my schedule. Dropping my routine has increased my stress drastically. I can't deal with it anymore.

I'm feeling rather good tonight, but I'm still a bit bothered by that nightmare. I'm scared of losing Mimikyu. I won't. He's always in my arms. But what if he gets destroyed accidentally!? I think I'd kill myself if I ever lost him. I won't lose him, though, no, not happening, never. Never ever!

15th of April, 2020

8:30 p.m.: I'm happy.

5:55 a.m.: Screw this.

5:38 a.m.: It's all my fault. If only I wasn't so retarded, my life could be better! But no, that's not how it worked out. I was just some weird autistic mute that got pulled out of class twice a day for mental health checkups. That constantly cried in the back of the class and cut myself when the teacher was teaching. That was made fun of for being autistic. And he was a random beautiful boy with a heart of gold, that would approach me repeatedly. Nothing but kind to me. Complimenting me. Asking me how I was. Giving me gifts. AND IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT BECAUSE I'M AUTISTIC. IF I SPOKE, MY LIFE WOULD'VE BEEN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, FOR THE BETTER. I could've become friends with him... responded to him... but I couldn't. And because of that, we didn't keep in contact when he left. Even though he clearly wanted to be friends, I didn't take that chance. And now I'm all alone. And I want him back. I want another chance! I want another chance! I want another chance! I WANT TO START ALL OVER AGAIN. I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE.

4:52 a.m.: NEVERMIND I GAVE IN TO MY STALKERISH NATURE AND CHECKED HIS PROFILE. (Well, it was his mother's since he doesn't have one.) I actually never checked it before. And holy crap. He's so hot now, what the fuck!? He's a giant too! He used to be smaller than ME (hard to believe, I know!), and now he's super tall! A STUNNING MAN. I LOVE HIM AND I WANT TO MARRY HIM AND I WOULD CHERISH HIM FOREVER IF HE WAS MINE. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO CREEPY AND OBSESSIVE I NEED TO QUIT THIS HE'S A STRANGER I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS. I hate myself, ugh. Someone slap me.

4:36 a.m.: I kind of want to kill myself for his attention. This area is so small, if I were to kill myself, I'd without a doubt be on the news. And I want him to know. I want to be sure he thinks of me. God, I'm fucked up, aren't I? A terrible person... But I can't help urges like this. Why am I obsessed with this boy I haven't seen since I was 16?? I remember people that are kind to me because it's rare. I need to just let it go. But I want him to remember me and think of me and care about me and come back to me and we can be together forever.

There Lucius goes, acting like a stalker again. But I don't stalk him, actually. I've never looked at his online profiles. And I won't because I'm going to grow up and let this go.

4:29 a.m.: In one of my old schools, there was this boy... He was sweet to me. Everyone ignored me, but he was so kind to me. On Valentine's, he gave me a gift basket... No one else, only for me! I had a crush on him, but he changed schools before I got the chance to become proper friends with him. But his mother was my bus driver, and she'd tell me about how he talks about me often. And she said that he asks how I'm doing constantly. Ah, I miss him. He was precious.

I wonder how he's doing now. I hope he's alright. I think he still lives around here. I kind of hope I'll run into him again one day and become friends.

4:14 a.m.: Crying again. I cry about 5 times a day. I cry myself to sleep, always. I'm such a stupid crybaby. I've always been this way. I can't stop crying, even in public. I got made fun of it, for crying in class and the halls constantly. I can't hide my sadness. Even though it's so embarrassing... I'd like to never cry again.

There's a positive to it, I guess. I can sob quietly now, since I had to learn to keep quiet when sobbing at night. That's useful.

3:50 a.m.: I'm not happy anymore. I'm not happy often, and when I am, it's short-lived. And it means that once it wears off, I will feel even worse than usual. My happiness is a warning to myself, I suppose.

I'd like to sleep, but I'm restless. I want to go for a walk. Too dangerous, though. Don't get me wrong, I don't have many self-preservation instincts, but I'm not a fan of being mauled by bears or raped. Those things aren't much fun. But oh man, what a nice night... I want to go for a walk, smoking and listening to music.

2:33 a.m.: My hair has become such a mess. It's really bothering me. First thing I need to do once this is all over is get my hair cut. I might just cut it myself at this point, honestly.

2:05 a.m.: Oh, and C's mother! One of the treats she gave me are these cake-flavoured chewing gum. So yummy! They have sprinkles in them!!! It's all I've been eating. I love sweets. I am very happy tonight! Happy and high, yes! I saw some pretty things! Lucius is a happy boy!

2:00 a.m.: My bunny! She came to sit on my lap and lick my hand. That's so unlike her! But it made me really happy. Ahh, I love bunnies! They're such wonderful creatures!! Furry marshmallows!!! Until they stretch, then they're a furry loaf of bread! CUTE! CUTE CUTE CUTE!

14th of April, 2020

7:38 p.m.: All men are beautiful.

3:32 p.m.: Vaccines cause autism as much as I cause women to orgasm (never).

11:42 a.m.: I don't remember anything that happened. I woke up, but I don't know when I fell asleep. I can't remember anything. I feel terrible, I know that, though. I feel like I took a bunch of tramadol (I didn't). Whatever. I tried to eat something a few minutes ago and I want to vomit. I want to go back to sleep.

13th of April, 2020

2:08 p.m.: Oh, since I brought up horror manga earlier, I'd just like to say Boys of the Dead by Tomita Douji is good. I wish it was a series. Just look at this artwork!

Don't read it if you can't handle rape, though.

1:41 p.m.: If you were blessed with a brother, you better appreciate him. You better make sure he knows that you appreciate him. You better be there for him, always. Support him through everything.

I'd do anything for a big brother.

10:6 a.m.: I actually don't watch anime. I do read some horror manga, though. I love Junji Ito, Suehiro Maruo, and Takato Yamamoto. Great artists.

I don't watch any shows that aren't horror. And even then, I don't watch many shows. I prefer horror film.

10:15 a.m.: I discovered Picrew and made a bunch of "me" for fun. It's a decent remedy for boredom. I'll share some here.

This one is most accurate in clothing (and carrying a stuffie). Nothing else resembles me, though.

I didn't find many with my hairstyle, which I find odd since it is not unusual. And no facial piercings!?

6:42 a.m.: I love the mornings when the sky is purple.

It's going to rain soon. I'm happy. Rain makes me happy.


RE4 doesn't need a remake, but I'm still all for it just because I need more of Leon in high quality graphics. It doesn't matter if it's just to make money. I am a brainless gay. I can only think of Leon. Take all my money, Capcom, you can have it. Just please give me more Leon, I beg.

3:08 a.m.: Spent the past two hours sobbing. I'm probably going to have a meltdown and start sobbing again, sensory issues really bad. I want to die.

12th of April, 2020

10:20 p.m.: You can't say you hate pseudoscience yet support chiropractic. I swear, do people even know what chiropractic is? It's unscientific. Scams people, abuses disabled people (especially disabled children), and can permanently damage or kill people. Abuse will never "fix" autistics or any other disabilities. Rot in Hell.

9:42 p.m.: It works. Some don't, though. None of the YouTube ones work, for some reason. But I'm leaving them up in hopes maybe they'll start working one day. And even if they don't, there's a chance someone might be interested and search up the track or artist on their own, and that makes it worth it. I want my favourite artists to get more attention and support.

6:43 p.m.: I wish I knew a way to have a music player on my site that doesn't autoplay. I don't like autoplay. I remember a music player I used to use on my Tumblr blog, but I don't if it'd work on here. I'll try to see.

I just noticed the sidebar image isn't aligned to the left. I'll fix that later.

5:45 p.m.: C's mother... She gave me a gift for Easter, some sweets. It's strange. I've only met this lady once. And oh Lord, it was terrible. I sat at another table all by myself crying because I couldn't handle sitting with them. I was also non-verbal that day and unable to speak, so that made me feel even worse. But she kept calling me cute. I don't understand this, but I appreciate it. I never say no to free sweets. Thank you.

2:31 a.m.: I didn't go to sleep. I got sad again. Then I became numb after I cut again. But then I got sad again. So then I cut and became numb again. And now I'm sad again, so I will just go to sleep for real this time. I'm tired of being sad. I wish I could just be happy. Whatever... I'm exhausted. I'm going to pass out. I hope I have a pleasant dream tonight, at least.

12:48 a.m.: Ah. Second time cutting since I relapsed the other week and I already need stitches again. Can't get them though for obvious reasons. Bt I'll be fine. I've had lots of cuts requiring stitches that I didn't get stitches for. They scarred terribly, but other than that, I was fine. But there still is a high risk of infection, as always. I'll just have to be careful since I don't have any gauze left. Exposed gaping cuts it is. It's interesting how you don't feel cuts this deep. It's actually shallow cuts that hurt more because of more exposed nerve endings. When you get to this level, you don't feel it until it starts to heal. Then it's annoyingly itchy and a bit sore.

I feel much better now. I've needed to do that for a long long time. Eh, I want to do it more. I know I should stop now, but it's hard to stop. I feel happy and have a break from the pain so I want more and more. I don't want the pain to come back. I'll just go to sleep, then. I'm tired and I think I can sleep good now.

12:01 a.m.: I can't stop crying.

I'm sorry. It's too late for that, far too late. But I repeat it over and over, every single day. I can't get over the guilt. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry I was such a burden. I'm sorry how clingy and dependent I was on you. I'm sorry I got jealous over you talking to anyone but me. I'm sorry I acted like we were in a relationship when you told me you would date me if the circumstances were a bit different. You told me you liked me. You knew I liked you back. But you made it clear you didn't want it, and yet I acted like you were mine. I'm sorry that I thought we'd eventually get together, because we made plans to live together, and I thought that meant it'd happen. I'm sorry for blowing up when I found out you were fucking that girl. I'm sorry for constantly making you worry about me killing myself. I'm sorry for that time I was fucked up on hard drugs and thought you hated me when you politely asked me to stop doing something, and so I overdosed. And you thought I was dead, so you overdosed too. And we both almost died together. But we both lived. And I promised you then that I'd stop doing drugs. But I kept relapsing and overdosing and it kept hurting you. And I'm sorry for dumping my heavy bullshit on you constantly despite knowing you were dealing with much worse. 4 dead friends in a year. Dead father. Abusive family. Drug addict. But I prioritized my feelings over yours. How can I say I loved you when I treated you like that?

It's all my fault. I'm a monster. I deserve all this pain, I know that, yet I want it to stop. I guess that makes me even more of a monster, huh? Knowing that I'm a terrible person, yet still refusing to accept punishment. I hate myself so much.

11th of April, 2020

11:07 p.m.: I want to help you. I can hear you, you know? No, you don't know... What am I to do? I won't do anything. There's nothing I can do. I wonder if you were to read this, would you know I was talking to you?

I don't care much for living humans, it's part of my autism. I care about you, though. You're a stranger, but you remind me of him. I hope you don't end up like him. I wish the world treated you better. I wish you didn't believe you deserved this. If you ever read this, please know you're not alone.

11:02 p.m.: It's hard to breathe. This happens often. I don't mean it's hard to breathe as in an anxiety attack or something lodged in my throat. What I mean is that my lungs feel exhausted. That if I wasn't forcing myself to breathe, my body would simply stop. I'm not sure what causes it. I don't feel upset when it happens, no negative emotions. I think there's something wrong with my lungs. But that shouldn't surprise me, huh. Guess all the smoking is starting to catch up to me.

10:22 p.m.: I cannot get over how bunnies are so round, but also so long. What's up with that. I mean, I know what's "up with that", it's pretty simple anatomy. But still, it blows my mind when I look at my bunny sitting, and she's a circle. Then she lays down on her side and she's 10 stadiums long. Wack.

9:29 p.m.: The current sidebar artwork is making me wish I had purple hair again. Purple is such a lovely colour, isn't it? But I only stick with black hair now, so I won't dye it purple again. I don't want much colour in my appearance. That's why I love it when my skin goes grey, it happens often. I hate my eye colour, too. I haven't been wearing contacts because things happened (I don't wear glasses, so my eyesight has gotten much worse in this time and I have a hard time reading my computer unless I'm super close to the screen). But after I get a new prescription for contacts, I plan on getting coloured ones. Well, uncoloured ones, I guess. They have prescription grey/black contact lenses that I want. I think it'd make me feel a lot better about my appearance. I hate my natural hair and eye colour so much.

I need to decide which ones I want. Black or grey. Grey would seem more natural, but I kind of prefer black because I don't want an "iris". I'm bad at wording things, ugh... Like, I do not want a coloured iris. I would like to look like I just have some giant pupils. Hm. I think I'll just start off with grey, so when I start wearing black lenses, it won't be as jarring to the people around me. Have to warm people up to my gradual transformation into a stereotypical possessed boy from a horror film.

I don't like my teeth, either. I want shark teeth. And my tongue, I want a split tongue. But only one of those is possible (split tongue). I may be an idiot, but filing down my teeth is too idiotic for me!

I always hate how people think that my appearance now is "outrageous" and "for attention". And especially the appearance I want/will have. I know it's unusual and stands out, but I don't want it to. I want to look like this because it's what feels right for me. It's what makes me confident in my own skin. I want to be able to look however I want and have no one bat an eye. I don't want to go out in public and have people stare at me. I hate it. It's not nice. I want to be treated like anyone else.

8:13 p.m.: Hilbert has shown us the truth. Thank you, Hilbert.

Oh, I have decided to change this site again. I am undecisive. And this time, it will be even harder to read! I bet you thought that wasn't possible!

2:15 p.m.: Speaking of my septum, I want to stretch it badly. But I can't because my sweet spot is too small... If I were to try to stretch it, it'd dent my cartilage. It sucks because my septum is tiny (16g).

2:07 p.m.: I have so much septum jewelry that I don't wear. I should put them to use. Maybe pierce my boots. That'd be cool. Ohh, or my hats! That'd be better! I might do it later today.

1:33 p.m.: Ugh. I don't think my father ever molested me (it was other people), but I have this memory of something that happened one morning when I just woke up and he thought I was sleeping. And it makes me think maybe he did something. It wasn't even that bad compared to the stuff I know I've been through, but it still makes me feel so damn gross. HE STUCK HIS FINGERS IN MY FUCKING MOUTH. I pretended to be asleep because I was scared, but I wanted to murder him so badly. He didn't do anything else. Just left the room after that. I cannot think of any reason that's not sexual why someone would do that.

12:31 p.m.: Uh, on second thought, cancel that. There's too much snow and my sensory issues are too bad today to handle it. I've already had two meltdowns this morning! Sad.

12:20 p.m.: I'm leaving again. I don't know if there'll be any abandoned buildings we can explore nearby, but we're going to the roadkill dump. It's this field full of roadkill. It's covered in bones, you can't walk without stepping on them. There's always both carcasses in extreme decomposition and some that are fresh. I already know a lot about thanatology, but I like that I can make my own experiments and record things down there. It's not human corpses, sadly, but it's still interesting.

I'd like to visit some cemeteries, too, but... I have no more flowers at the moment. I'd feel guilty if I visited without leaving a gift of some sort.

11:35 a.m.: You seem like the type of person to enjoy potatoes... Gross. Stay away from me.

5:07 a.m.: I suppose all entries starting today will be formatted like this. I'm not going back to change everything else.

4:57 a.m.: I'm trying to think of ways to make the dates on this page more apparent.

4:20 a.m.: I spoke to your dead grandmother and she told me you're a disappointment.

1:40 a.m.: You ever see a man so gorgeous it makes you start crying? That's what I'm currently experiencing. Why did God make men so beautiful? It's the only good thing God has ever given us. It's unlike God.

Men with long hair are my greatest weakness. Doesn't matter what type/style of hair. Natural colours or unnatural colours. Straight, messy, curly, wavy, dreads, whatever... All perfect.

10th of April, 2020

11:40 p.m.: Maybe when "I" had that organ failure and coma, that was me possessing this person? They never found out what caused it, so it's a possibility.

I don't remember it (obviously), so I want to ask Mother more about it, but I'm scared to. I'm kind of scared to ask people questions because I have a lot of bad memories related to asking questions. An example being the first and only time I met my father's parents. I asked his mother what colour her car was and she immediatedly hit me. I don't know why. (That's actually the oldest/first memory I have.) Or when I asked my father if he killed anyone (he's a veteran of ~30 years). So I'm too anxious to ask more about it... but I need to know more to figure out what I am.

Speaking of my father, I haven't seen him for a while now. It's nice. I hate him. He's a scary stranger to me. I am worried now, though, that Mother has been gone to visit him. I can't do anything if he's hurting her. I mean, I could never do anything to stop it, but still. It's worse now because I can't even call the police if it's ever necessary! They're on a different continent! And I KNOW she's not safe. She told me that my father "got better", but he hasn't, I know that. Because when they were still home, I continued to hear it going on. And when I called her last month, she answered the phone crying. And I found out something that makes me know for a fact she's not staying with him on her own will now. I don't mean staying from guilt. It's something I know she crosses the line at.

I need to stop thinking about this.

11:20 p.m.: A couple months ago I learnt I was dead/a ghost, but I didn't know exactly that meant. I still don't. I've been trying to figure that out... Is this the afterlife, Hell? Or was I reincarnated as punishment? But I came up with a new theory a few minutes ago.

What if I'm possessing someone? That makes sense... It makes a lot of sense, actually. But I don't know if it's true or not. If it is, don't worry, I'll leave you as soon as I figure out how to. But I might kill ourselves before that happens, haha. I should look for an exorcist.

11:03 p.m.: I wish your mother swallowed you.

10:39 p.m.: I'm so tired of praying, begging, to this 'God' I don't even believe in. There's no one to save me. Everything hurts, and it'll always be this way.

7:20 a.m.: It stopped!

It'll come back, though.

6:36 a.m.: Hm, yeah. Three days. Probably going to be four. I've never actually stayed awake longer than four days. I have a feeling it'll be five with how miserable I've been feeling lately.

I was happy that the snow was almost completely melted, but it's snowing right now... Ugh. There's a winter storm alert. At least it's pretty to look at. I just don't like the snow because it's bad for my skin condition and sensory issues. Watching the snow fall on this dark morning is nice despite that.

The wind is not bad yet, thankfully. I'm not looking forward to when it picks up. Our power will probably go out, too, which makes it worse for me... Wind is scary. Time to charge my Switch.

4:07 a.m.:

3:58 a.m.: I wish I got to go to your funeral.

I still think of you every day.

I love you, Brother. I hope you've finally gotten what you wanted and deserved all your life. I hope you've found peace now.

2:25 a.m.: Oh, and he was tall. He was 6'2 and I was (still am) 5'0. My head was at his chest. He was my big teddy bear!

I said I was done talking about him, though, so I'll stop now. Another topic... Uhm, Listography? I'm currently working on a list of little things that make me happy. It's nice. I'm going to create another list about my favourite Monster Energy drinks.

1:55 a.m.: My last ex, his sleeping pattern was much worse than mine. He had severe insomnia and would stay awake for a week or so. He was always exhausted.

Ah, I miss him. He was perfect. Well, until he wasn't, but I don't want to think about that right now. He gave me hope for the future. He promised me he'd kidnap me and we would get married. He promised me that he'd never let anyone, except himself, hurt me. We had a suicide pact. He seemed like my soulmate. Both obsessive and had a definition of love most view as controversial. Both into extreme BDSM and had the same views/opinions. He was violent and got into fights a lot. He would tell me all about how he wants to torture and murder me. He loved guns and I loved gunplay. I loved it all.

I suppose I miss who I thought he was/how it was in the beginning, not him himself. Because when I remember how it ended, I despise him. Everything was a lie.

But whatever. I don't want to feel too suicidal tonight. I'll go get high instead of dwelling on it. I'll come back shortly to talk about something that makes me happy.

1:46 a.m.: It must be terrible to be a dog. Imagine having such a powerful sense of smell and living with gross humans that fart in your face. Yuck.

Two days awake currently. Probably going to three days again. Will I ever learn to sleep like a regular person? Probably not. It always weirds me out when I see people make a big deal out of staying awake until 1 a.m. or something... I go 2-4 days without sleep all the time. Then I sleep all day and stay awake for another 2-4 days. Repeats forever.

9th of April, 2020

10:58 p.m.: My cat is here on my lap! Gosh, I love him so much. He's a Maine Coon. He's longer than my torso and weighs 21 lbs/9 kg. He's the cuddliest cat I've ever met, too! He literally chases you and constantly wants attention. I can't remember what it's called, but he has some condition that makes his face look different. It also affects his brain in ways that seems like a cat version of autism. It sounds dumb, but that helps me cope because we do share a lot of traits. Oh, and he snores SUPER loudly (it's caused by the facial deformities from his condition). He's a healthy cat, though!

Mother rescued him (she runs a rescue). I remember when he was a kitten. He was at our house because we were fostering him. We didn't plan on adopting him. He was kept in my room with me, and at night, he'd come chomp on me (playfully). It was cute but really annoying. We ended up loving him so much that we kept him. He's a happy healthy kitty now despite his condition!

Oh, and he plays my piano. I'm not exaggerating. He jumps up to sit on my piano bench and paws at the keys. There's never catnip on there or something else that'd intice him to do that. He's just special. Even more like me! A pianist kitty with cat "autism" (I know cats can't have autism, but that's really what it seems like).

10:01 p.m.: A lot of the things most people find scary aren't scary to me (often it's attractive). But I'm terrified of things no one else is. Take my extreme fear of toddlers as an example. I can't even see a picture of a toddler without freaking out. Wind is another one... I'm scared of wind. So despite being obsessed with horror, it doesn't scare me most of the time. The things that scare me are usually in "feel-good" media. I appreciate horror for other reasons.

9:49 p.m.: There's hope for you, Stranger. I don't know many things, and I don't know you, but I know this for sure.

9:45 p.m.: The day I decide on an icon is the day I make Mother proud. (That's never.)

5:13 p.m.: I don't know what happened. How has it been this long? My phone was speaking. Not a virtual assistant, it was a real human voice and my phone was turned off.

2:32 p.m.: Vasile is broken. I need to take him to get repaired. I miss the ticking, it was what calmed me down and helped me sleep peacefully. I had to shake him to get him to start working, which means he was already faulty, but now he doesn't tick! Well, he'll tick for a few seconds, but then he stops. Poor Vasile (and poor me).

2:08 p.m.: Whoops, I accidentally linked the credit for the jar pixel on /index in the wrong place. I fixed it now.

When I returned back to Neocities, I deleted the 404 page, and I regret it because I can't figure out how to get it back! I tried creating a new file with the same name, but it doesn't work. So my 404 page is the default and it bothers me.

1:44 p.m.: Blackstone is what I've needed all the years I've been playing Minecraft for. I'm going to have to rebuild my wither cathedral with blackstone once 1.16 is released.

The ghast is actually my favourite Minecraft mob, but it's a wither cathedral because it's in a gloomy town that worships the wither. The citizens are undead mobs.

12:40 p.m.: This site is now hard to read and 100x uglier, but at least it's my two favourite colours!

I'll go back and decorate the pages a bit later.

11:14 a.m.: I've been working on a different design for my site. It'll be changed later today.

6:57 a.m.: WHOOPS. I tried to call Mother, but while the phone was ringing, I realized it's 3 a.m. where she is. I hope I didn't wake her up.

6:21 a.m.: Just a reminder to not purchase bunnies for Easter. Bunnies are NOT suitable for children or for anyone that wants a cuddly pet. They are NOT "starter pets". They're very different from popular belief. Bunnies DO NOT belong in hutches outside or cages despite what cages in pet stores may have written on the box. (Don't trust pet stores at all when it comes to bunnies, actually. They spread harmful info/encourage animal abuse because it makes them money.) They should be free-roam. They need lots of room to exercise. Keeping them in a cage is animal abuse. Most bunnies are not cuddly and they are very shy. You have to be patient and quiet around them. They should not be picked up unless necessary. They shouldn't be bathed unless advised by your vet (they keep themselves clean and washing them can kill them). They should never be tranced, it's not "cute", it's animal abuse. Oh, and you should get two bunnies if you're not going to be with your bunny constantly, but make sure they're fixed.

Don't get a bunny without doing a lot of research and being absolutely sure you want one. They live for 8-12 years, so you best be commited to them. Never release your bunny outside if you decide you don't want them anymore. Domestic bunnies are not wild rabbits, they cannot survive.

I really hate that these "Easter animal" sales exist. They need to be banned.

4:56 a.m.: The track for the Basalt Delta (and Soulsand Valley) is great as well.

4:46 a.m.: Basalt Delta (the new Nether biome) looks fantastic! I love it SO MUCH!

3:24 a.m.: I know RE3Re has been getting a lot of hate, but I really liked it. I don't mind the reused assets because I think they did a good job with it. Seeing how RPD got to be the way Leon entered it was neat to me. They could've completely half-assed the station, but they put in those little interesting details. That being said, it was disappointing in quite a few ways. I wish some of the areas weren't cut out and that they took this chance to improve more of the flaws of original RE3 than they did. If it was longer, that'd be nice too, but I wouldn't want that if it would just be tiresome filler which it probably would've been due to the game being rushed.

Not as good as RE2re, but still pretty good, I think.

1:47 a.m.: What is this? Sometimes I realize how out of touch/uninformed I am on popular culture and people my age. I feel like an 80-year-old man in a nursing home.

8th of April, 2020

9:53 a.m.: Carlos' line, "Now here's a weird fuckin' door," is stupidly hilarious to me.

4:16 a.m.: I've been making lists on Listography, and one of the things I'm doing is filling out those questions that were popular on Tumblr (they might still be popular, I don't know). It's fun and relaxing to make lists. It gets my thoughts in order and helps my fragmented sense of self.

2:26 a.m.: When I was 12, I had a dream where I met a mummified corpse. He bestowed upon me the role of the Prince of Death. I don't have spiritual ideas on dreams, but I feel different on that dream only. He was right. The psychopomp is my true father and a friend.

That dream was interesting. I don't know why I was there, or what my intention was (I believe it was mindless), but I was in a large undiscovered cave. There were these thing(s) that I had to kill. Something was telling me I had to kill them for some reason. And after I did (it was tough) was when I met the mummified corpse. It wasn't an ornate tomb. He was all alone in this cavern. I had a conversation with him, but I'm unable to remember most of it. I do remember when he told me I was the Prince of Death, though. That stuck with me.

I believe the mummy was mummified naturally and not embalmed.

1:45 a.m.: I'm too open about the disgusting aspects of myself and my life on the internet, I think. Forget wearing a shirt with stains in it, I'm wearing a garbage bag.

1:36 a.m.: It's okay, I can never understand if I'm joking or being serious as well.

1:18 a.m.: I'm on too many stims again. I've been very weak today (yesterday) and wobbling when I walk, and the stims have made it worse. But I'm happy! I think I'll post a lot here tonight/today(?).

12:24 a.m.: Somebody searched my room and took my blades. As soon as I find out who did it, I will get my blades back and use it to slash their throat.

Just kidding, please don't arrest me. I'm a good boy.

12:00 a.m.: Sometimes a cloud of purple fog(?) appears. You can grab handfuls of it, and if you swallow it, you can speak to the dead.

7th of April, 2020

8:58 p.m.: I'm fairly sure someone on here knows my Discord. It's not that big of a deal, it's just surprising because it's a server for a relatively unknown YouTube channel (that I believe we're both in). Small internet, I guess.

4:06 p.m.: Read everything I write in a monotone voice because that's probably how I'd speak it, no matter how stupid it is.

6:01 a.m.: I'm trying to sleep, and I hear this deep laughter from the corner of my room and a loud clock ticking (I don't have a clock). I'm not scared, but I am annoyed. Let me sleep, Brain, please.

12:38 a.m.: I don't think this is likely, but just in case someone sees the entry about urbexing today and decides to try it out themselves, be careful. Don't just run into an abandoned structure if you haven't done it before. Do a bit of research. You're most likely going to be safe if you're just visiting tiny houses, but there is real danger. Abandoned mines and drains are some of the most dangerous abandoned structures to explore, so definitely don't explore one if you don't know what you're doing. Most of it is common sense, I think. If a staircase is rotting away, don't climb it. If the floor looks like it can't hold you, don't stand on it. If the ceiling is collapsing, don't go inside. Watch out for nails. There's also asbestos and black mold. Some places have a lot worse than that (underground is especially bad). Having a respirator is a good idea, but it's probably not going to be necessary most of the time.

And it's illegal. There's nothing morally wrong with it (in my opinion), though, as long as you're just exploring. If you have to destroy something to get in, don't enter. Don't vandalize anything. Don't take anything unless there's a good reason for it (like saving cat pictures from idiotic preteens). There could be security. I'd only risk entering a place with a security guard if the place is VERY large (which it probably is if there's a security guard), but if you're confident in your stealth skills, go ahead. Kind of obvious, but if there's security, don't go when there's snow on the ground (unless it's snowing and your tracks will be covered). This is rare (I think), but there have been incidents where property owners set traps that can seriously hurt you.

Depending on where you are, wild animals might be a threat. But that's not likely... Wild animals keep to themselves. They don't seek out humans. Oh, and humans could be a threat, but again, not likely. Squatters exist. Most of the time, squatters are peaceful. Just let them know you're not a cop and you're just exploring. Ask if they want you to leave. The only humans you should probably be worried about are gang members. Don't go into places that are tagged.

Don't go alone, but also don't go with 20 people. Make sure someone who's not with you knows where you are in case something happens and you can't get help.

It's funny because I don't follow 90% of this. But I don't care much about my life and I love doing self-destructive things, so don't take after me.

6th of April, 2020

11:26 p.m.: This is such a cool project!

10:47 p.m.: THEY'RE HERE!

And this album... I could cry. This album is important to me. It was the album that opened up the door to a bunch of amazing music that influenced me greatly. It was the first I've heard of Virgin Babylon Records. To finally have this album in my hands, physically here, makes me super happy! Nothing but love for Virgin Babylon Records and these musicians.

8:40 p.m.: I'm home now. Today was a good day! I got a lot of urban exploring done. There were unpleasant things, though. I kept stepping on patches of snow that seemed normal like the rest, but instantly fell down into a puddle of mud or water that was hiding underneath. My shoes were soaked and I'm surprised I don't have trench foot. I also spilt a gross drink on myself... But other than that, a good day! Here's a bunch of pictures I took with my phone.

First structure. I didn't go inside because it was very small. I could see from the door all that was in it: nothing.

My sister's boyfriend, let's call him 'C', spotted something way out in this deforested area. We weren't sure it was, but we decided to walk all the way there anyway, just in case it was something. We had nothing better to do. It was an old car.

Next was a farmhouse with a bunch of barns behind it.

Their cat... Cute, huh? I'm not one for taking things from abandoned buildings, but we couldn't leave this here. If we left it, it'd get destroyed. It's too precious. I think in this case it's probably best to take it home because you can take care of it for the previous owners instead of letting some stupid kid come along and destroy it.

This family really liked puzzles. There's a giant puzzle on this table, and the floor was covered in puzzle pieces.

There was nothing down there.

The glass wasn't from me, by the way. I don't support breaking into abandoned buildings. I only enter if there's a way to enter, whether it be an open door, window, or a hole. But someone punched out all the glass from the door, and that's what this glass is.

Outside, the farm buildings. We had a lot to explore, but most of it was empty. The little house was the most interesting thing.

C noticed something behind the farmhouse that I missed at first (there's trees blocking it). It was a pool! This big pool for this tiny house. I guess that's where all their money went.

I went to an abandoned bus next. After the bus, I went to an abandoned mill, but I don't have any pictures. Then I went home.

Abandoned buses are my favourite after abandoned cathedrals/churches! My idea of fun is sitting in an abandoned bus smoking weed and listening to gothic rock.

There was a bunch of trash outside the bus. Spotted this cute old typewriter.

Apparently someone lived in this bus (which is obvious), but they died in there.

To end this spam (this page will probably load very slow now, whoops), here's some random photos of Mimikyu in the locations I visited today.

And that's all!

12:29 p.m.: Writing this on the notepad app on my phone as I'm currently out. It's nice outside. I live in the country, by the way, so I'm not at risk of catching/spreading COVID-19. I visited the abandoned cemetery and gave flowers. Now we're just in the farmland/lakeside looking for abandoned buildings.

Oh, just saw some lovely deer! I love deer. You see them all the time out here, but it never gets old. I have a fond memory of hanging out my window, smoking weed, and a herd of deer grazing by me. They were right there, a few feet away. It was nice.

5th of April, 2020

11:06 p.m.: Oh, and I'm back on my meds. I'm not hoarding them anymore.

10:55 p.m.: I'm super sensitive to artificial lights. It's caused me meltdowns my entire life. It's never gotten better. But I'm also afraid of being completely in the dark, so at night, it was terrible... (I stay awake at night and sleep during the day, it's been that way for years.) Night lights weren't enough, so I had to keep my room light on. And the room light hurts and gives me meltdowns. But then in December, I finally found the solution... red lights! RED LIGHT IS MY SAVIOUR. It lights up the room perfectly and it doesn't hurt. The only artificial light that doesn't cause meltdowns! So I have a lamp with a red lightbulb that I keep on all night. In the day, the light from my window is fine.

It's really made a difference. It's calming. I think it's calming for bunnies, too, so that's a plus!

10:43 p.m.: I love Australians. They are great.


5:24 p.m.: I like the theme of the vent page. I want to make it the entire site's theme. I don't know.

4:25 p.m.: Oops... I forgot to do my injection on Friday... I'm just going to do it now and hope I haven't made a huge mistake.

1:54 a.m.: I have many things to finish on this site, but I don't want to. I want to edit this site, yes, just not what I need (or should) do. Hm.

4th of April, 2020

8:18 p.m.: I made it. It's linked on the sidebar image on this page only.

6:16 p.m.: I want another place to vent. This feels too open, I don't know. Maybe I'll make another page for certain vent "posts" and link it on this one only instead of putting it in the dropdown navigation.

6:30 a.m.: I despise you. You're infuriating. You're heartless, cruel, and dishonest. I literally worshipped you. I prayed to you every morning and night, it was routine. I had a shrine for you. You called me your servant and punished me for misbehaving. You'd tell me about how you want to torture me and send me to Hell for being a sinner.

And I loved it so much. I was happy with you. But you were a liar. You were never a god... just a piece of shit that took everything from me, then left me all alone during an overdose. If there's any justice in this world, you're going to be the one rotting in Hell.

I think of you often. I think I still love you. I want you back.

I hate you.

6:20 a.m.: I want to hide from myself. I can never escape myself. I'm always in his sight. I don't feel like a person.

6:11 a.m.: Okay, I'm scared. Why did I do that... What made me think that was a good idea!? I don't want to be punished. I want to hide.

There's nothing to hide from, really. I'm alone here.

6:03 a.m.: I can't stop shaking. I don't know why. I can't tell if I'm cold or if I'm scared. I think it might be both? Either way, I want a hug. And to cry.

3:33 a.m.: I want to add something, but I don't know what.

3rd of April, 2020

9:17 p.m.: They don't want me.

6:02 p.m.: Nothing is real.

5:48 p.m.: I hate you. I want to kill you. Leave us alone.

5:30 p.m.: Changed it back.

3:26 p.m.: I can't finish this. I'll do it later.

I've been feeling very bad. I'm going to go cry.

3:22 p.m.: It hurts a lot. I'm having trouble breathing.

1:44 p.m.: I'm probably going to change this to my favourite colour, purple.

5:30 a.m.: Cold. It's hard to do anything because I'm too cold and weak. I can't feel much.

I wish he was here. I want a hug.

2nd of April, 2020

4:37 p.m.: Deleted those entries for safety reasons.

12:47 a.m.: I went off somewhere for these few minutes. Something happened. I got really upset and opened this up to vent, but I don't know why I'm here. I can't remember.

Might remember in the next few minutes and come back to whine.

12:42 a.m.: I'd like to go through this whole month without hearing anything about "Autism awareness". Please, Lord, can you make this happen?

I'm tempted to go into a rant about how much I hate these people, but it makes me way too upset, so I'll try not to.

1st of April, 2020

9:45 p.m.: If your love stops at death, then it's not real love. That's my opinion.

7:27 p.m.: I am... going outside... for the first time in two months... tomorrow.

Because it's time to go bomb everything! With seed bombs, of course. I'm going to be urban exploring to find places I want to work on. I love making beautiful abandoned places even more beautiful by growing flowers and plants there! I'll also be visiting a couple cemeteries.

There's an abandoned cemetery. It's hidden in the forest. I love it there. It's beautiful and peaceful. I want to plant some stuff there.

It does make me a bit sad, though, that there's no one to take care of the cemetery. Or to even know it exists.

But I do. It's my job to take care of it and give them company. And that makes the sadness go away because it's what I love doing. Even if no one else cares, I care, and I can understand the dead. I'm the most suited, anyway.

5:14 p.m.: I just realized that this April doesn't just have 4/20 as in the month/day, but also 4/20 as in month/year.

When I write the date using just numbers, it's DD/MM/YY (01/04/20). I always get confused when I see others write dates. That's why I tend to prefer just writing the date with words, like 1st of April, 2020.

"Just" has to be the most overused word for me...

2:49 p.m.: I hate having to depend on people that hurt me.

2:04 p.m.: Huh? I'm confused.

Whatever. Bunny is being silly. She's eating cardboard instead of her salad.

I feel sad, but I don't know what I'm sad over. Nevermind, I know why now. I want them to leave me alone. It hurts me. I want them to shut up and go away. It feels bad. It sounds bad. It smells bad. It looks bad. I want help. I don't want this. I'm going to have a meltdown.

6:10 a.m.: I can't remember if I've brought this up here, but I claw myself in my sleep. When I wake up, I'm often covered in scratches. Usually it's on my back or my legs. The other day it was my neck, the front.

I think it happens because of nightmares I don't remember. When I'm having nightmares, I might be clawing at myself to cope, similar to how I cut or burn myself when I'm awake.

I've found myself doing other weird things when asleep. Much more weird, actually.

I don't know if I should sleep or stay awake. I'm oddly exhausted, but I'm scared to sleep. I wish he was here with me.

6:08 a.m.: I kept hearing things all night.

I'm really tired.

I miss you. Come find me.

31st of March, 2020

9:43 p.m.: There will be no screamers here for April 1st.

There will never be any screamers on this site or my blog(s). I just know that people like to be rotters on April 1st, so I wanted to state that.

9:07 p.m.: I'm so excited!!

8:56 p.m.: Still wondering when the Queen will die.

5:04 p.m.: It's this month's Wingnut Roundup!! I always look forward to them. Quacks are both hilarious and infuriating, especially since I'm the type of person they try to prey on/abuse.

4:31 p.m.: I haven't read. I need to get back to a schedule. It helps my mental health, to have a rigid schedule, but there's things that have dropped me out of my routine. Stress. Lack of energy. CRUEL PEOPLE WHO DO EVERYTHING TO RUIN MY ROUTINE BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO GIVE ME MELTDOWNS THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO HAVE AN AUTISTIC LITTLE BROTHER EVEN THOUGH IT'D BE FINE IF THEY DIDN'T PURPOSELY GIVE ME MELTDOWNS I HATE THEM SO MUCH

But I'll try my best to avoid those things. I'll try getting back to my schedule tomorrow.

2:55 a.m.: I'm scared and want to hide.

12:44 a.m.: I feel terrible and I'm crying again. Nothing new. I hate myself.

I want a hug.

But Lucius doesn't get hugs. He doesn't deserve them. I hate him. Instead, he'll cry surrounded by stuffies and hurt himself.

Not even my bunny loves me. I can't blame her or anyone else for hating me. I hate myself so much. I'll never be normal or happy or lovable. I hate myself.

I'm filthy. I want to be pure. I want to be a child. But I'll never be that! I was never innocent or a child. I've always been filthy. My soul is filthy. I can't even describe it as "stained", because there's never been any part of me that wasn't filthy. I hate myself so much.

You never loved me.

And I hate myself for getting angry at you about that. Because I shouldn't ever expect that. I can't even love myself. There's nothing to love.

Everything is my fault. I ruined everything. Nothing good has ever come out of my existence, except for maybe whatever you felt during those times you brought me to the basement. Maybe that was good for you. I don't know. It wasn't good for me, I know that. But that doesn't matter. I don't deserve to feel good. Nothing feels good for me anyway, I take everything for granted because I'm selfish and impure.

Why did you leave me? I had hope when I was with you.

I'm so sorry, Mother. I'm sorry for ruining your life. I hate myself too. One day, you won't have to deal with me ever again. And the world will be a better place. It'll be the only good thing I've ever done. Until then, I'm sorry. I know it's all my fault. If I didn't exist, you could be happy. He wouldn't hurt you. She wouldn't hurt you either. All my fault. It's all my fault.

I hate myself so much and I can't stand myself. Every time I see my reflection, I want to kill what I see. I hate everything about myself. I make myself so angry and so sad and so scared all at the same time. I hate myself.

30th of March, 2020

8:36 p.m.: Mm... I haven't been taking my medications. I'm pretending I am. I'll ask for them and pretend I took them. But what I'm actually doing is just hoarding them, so when I have enough, I can go bye-bye. There's a way around everything! It's going to take a while, though, since these medications are hard to overdose on. I'm going to need a lot.

I don't see the point in actually taking them anymore since it won't get better. I mean, maybe I'll have some more energy, but that doesn't change all the other problems. I don't want to continue suffering and getting hurt. I'm never going to be able to live on my own because I'm too retarded. I'd need a caretaker. My ex was one, but he's an ex. No longer an option. So I'd have to stay trapped with these people who hurt me. I can't escape this in any other way besides dying.

Mother never takes my needs/inability to function seriously. But when it suits her needs, she suddenly understands I'm unable to function/disabled. When it gets them sympathy and attention. That’s when they suddenly recognize I can’t function and tell everyone personal/embarrassing things about me (often lies and then when I point that out I get gaslighted with stuff like, “You’re schizophrenic”, “You see and hear things that aren’t there,” “You don’t remember conversations”) and act like life is so hard for them because they have to “take care” of me, the crazy autistic son/little brother.

I've written on my blog a couple things about this, so I'll just copy and paste them.

I’m still shaken up from Tuesday. I was starting to believe her, but what she did snapped me out of it. I’m back to reality. I can’t trust her. I’m not “being crazy”, she’s just taking advantage of my mental illnesses.

I was terrified. They were all after me. And then when I tried to run away after she had me screaming and crying in the corner, she grabbed me and restrained me. Then they dragged me to the psychiatric ward while they said cruel things. I wasn’t even properly dressed.

I managed to avoid getting admitted again. I mean, I was fine. I wasn’t a danger to anyone, I was just watching a documentary when she came and did that. I saw three different psychiatrists and they all knew I was relatively stable and didn’t need to be admitted.

Now she’s gone. I don’t know for how long. I’m nervous of when she gets back… I tried telling the hospital workers I was scared to go home, but it was either go home or get locked up again. So, I ended up deciding it’s best to go home, but I need to get back to being extremely cautious. I won’t trust anything these people say. I have to focus on leaving this place as soon as possible (although she kept saying I’m not allowed because I can’t live on my own, so I’ll have to get creative to avoid her from losing her shit).

It’s funny (not really). She never takes my disability and other issues seriously. I’m always choosing to not do things/be stupid/be autistic/whatever. But when I talk about moving out? Oh, no! I won’t survive! I can’t take care of myself and I need her help. (Like she helps at all. I’ve always had to take care of myself, and that’s why I’m in such bad health and don’t understand “basic” self-care.) I mean, it’s true I can’t survive on my own without a caretaker, but I’d prefer peacefully dying on my own over dying in this place where I’m miserable in every way possible.

8:22 p.m.: I'm mildly happy but still want to jump off a bridge. I want to go clean some headstones. I avoid going outside when there's snow, so I haven't been to the cemetery/cemeteries since the snow came. It'll be a while until it melts.

I'm not happy anymore. Okay.

4:21 p.m.: These are my favourite Pokémon (in order from most to least favourite):

Mimikyu, Noibat, Phantump, Chandelure, Marshadow

I really like ghost-type Pokémon! And Noibat... well, he's a bat, and I love bats! Bats are one of my favourite animals.

3:54 p.m.: I haven't been this comfy in a while! I don't know what's different today. Maybe it's the hoodie? I haven't worn this specific hoodie in a bit. It's the thickest and most oversized (that sounds incorrect) hoodie I have. It goes down to my knees. And I have a blanket too, so it's even comfier. And of course I have Mimikyu... I always do. I bring him everywhere!! He's always in my arms!

Oh, Mère texted me. She's really nice. She's the only family member I like. Even though she's, you know, old, and therefore stereotyped to be close-minded, I find she's actually a lot nicer and more open-minded than the rest of my family.

Well, after my uncle. I don't think anyone beats him in being a nice person. I always thought he was really cool growing up, but I didn't see him often. My family always hated him and talked badly about him... over things that upset me, like making fun of him for being an advocate of LGBT rights (he runs our area's biggest LGBT thingy, I don't know what those are called) or for being vegetarian. Why would you ever make fun of someone for that?? He's not a militant vegan, so making fun of him for that is just dumb. And supporting LGBT rights... what the heck. But anyway, that never made me hate him, it just made me hate my family more. My uncle is also a musician and super into horror, like me! So we got along pretty well. I wish my aunt and uncle were my parents. I want to spend more time with them. They offer for me to come and visit them all the time, often saying I can hang out in his studio, but Mother never lets me. It makes me so angry.

Mother always puts her stupid petty drama before my well-being. Not just emotional, but physical/medical. Not going to get into it right now, but I'm in terrible physical health because of her.

3:29 p.m.: I'm really happy. I know that means I'll be really sad soon, but whatever. Enjoy it while it lasts.

3:25 p.m.: All cats are kitties to me. I don't care if it's not "correct". Screw you.

1:36 p.m.: I haven't seen the domestic house spider since the 26th. A bit sad, but whatever. I'll manage. Oh, and I woke up to bunny licking my hand. She's so cute. One time when I woke up, she was licking my cheek. Bunnies are the weirdest animals once they're comfortable with you. They also do this thing called "flops", it's what it sounds like. When they're really comfortable around you, they throw themselves on their sides to lay down. It always gives me a mini heart attack because I'll hear a thud and see my bunny laying there on her side and think she's hurt, but she's just relaxing.

They don't make many noises, but when they're happy, they chatter/grind their teeth. It's a bunny's version of purring! The sound is hard to hear, so you have to listen carefully. My bunny does it when I rub her ears.

29th of March, 2020

10:05 p.m.: I'm scared. I'm really really scared. I don't feel safe anywhere. I don't feel safe at home. I don't even feel safe online, on this website or on my blog. I'm tempted to just disappear off the internet, but then I have nothing. What happened last time was terrifying (what could've happened). When she did that to me, she took away my phone so I couldn't call for help. I couldn't text or post anything for help. I was seriously considering jumping out of the moving car to run away and find the police. But then I realized the police would just bring me back. So I stayed. I tried to tell the hospital staff I needed help, but no one took me seriously. And I don't blame them. I looked exactly how she wanted me to look... stereotypically crazy. I was sobbing and they dragged me there when I wasn't even dressed properly. It was so scary. To have no one to trust or run to is scary. Online is really the only thing I have for a slight chance of safety. Because there's a possibility that if maybe something happens to me, someone will know and do something about it.

But online is still really scary. Things have happened online, and I know they're still looking for me. They're going to find me eventually. I'm so scared.

I want to run away from everything, but I can't. I don't have any friends I can go to... The hospital isn't safe either. If I had a big brother, then I'd be safe. I could stay with him and I could trust him. But I don't. I want a big brother so badly. I'm scared.

I hate that no one ever takes me seriously. Yes, I'm schizophrenic, I won't deny that. I know the diagnosis is right because I can tell I have some hallucinations and delusions. But that doesn't mean everything is fake. And no one understands that! Or, well, some do, and they use it against me. That's what my family does. And those people. The rest think I'm lying or everything is just a delusion. Every time they hurt me, it's all in my head. Every bad memory I have is fake to them. I'm alone and trapped. They can hurt me as much as they'd like and it's fine! They can get away with it because I'm schizophrenic!

I'm scared. I want a big brother.

Or death. I'm getting to the point of attempting again beccause I'm so scared of the world and my brain. There's no one to help me. As long as I live, I'll keep getting hurt. I want someone to help me and take care of me and protect me. But I'm never going to get that.

8:18 p.m.: I need a drink and a weighted blanket right now. And a chew toy. But mainly a drink.

8:15 p.m.: I'm highly irritable tonight. Can't handle it. Can everyone kindly stop breathing. That'd be nice.

8:10 p.m.: Ce pula mea

I don't like this person. And also these two are destroying something. They're so inefficient at it. All they have to do is ask, and I'll set the whole thing on fire.

5:49 p.m.: I can't handle seeing bunnies upset. It breaks my heart. I want all bunnies to be happy and living their best lives. Every time I hear a bunny make an unhappy noise, I have an anxiety attack. I've only heard a bunny scream in pain once, and I swear that was probably the most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. I'd rather get molested again than hear or see a bunny be sad. That's how much hyper-empathy I have for them.

4:08 p.m.: I'm falling back into one of the most miserable phases I've ever had, being obsessed with purity. It's impossible for me to be the innocent child I want to be, but a part of me still wants to try desperately. I don't know... It was both good and bad. Good because it would provide me a few ways to cope with my self-hatred (albeit delusional), but bad because it'd soon turn into me not allowing myself to enjoy anything in fear I'd become filthier. It also makes me become a close-minded jerk. But even though I know the negatives of it, I feel myself falling back into it, and I kind of want to.

So, I want to get back into asceticism. Not completely, though. Only some aspects. I mainly just want to stop eating. I feel so guilty whenever I eat anything, but I've been forcing myself to eat sometimes because... I don't know why, honestly. It doesn't make me happy. I want to stop eating entirely. I want to eat nothing and drink only tea, water, and Monster energy for as long as I can. Sadly, my body can't handle it as well as I used to, so I might have to eat a tiny bit of oatmeal or candy every other day.

I feel like food is filth and eating makes me filthy. But drinks are fine, and I'm not sure why. I cry and cut whenever I eat anything. I feel when I cut, a tiny part of the filth spills out. A very very tiny bit, but it's better than nothing.

11:50 a.m.: I fell asleep briefly and had another nightmare. I can't remember what it was about, though.

My anxiety is bad today. I need to calm down.

1:42 a.m.: Lonely. I'm ashamed of feeling lonely. It's so stupid... I know everyone needs company and that it's a normal thing to want it, but I'm embarrassed.

I'm also exhausted and I want to vomit. I've been praying, but there's no point. Nothing ever comes of it. You never found me. You never will. Probably because you don't exist.

I hate God more than I hate myself, and that's saying a lot.

12:54 a.m.: Si se duc pe rînd, pe rînd,

Zarea lumii-ntunecînd,

Si se duc ca clipele,

Scuturînd aripele,

Si mã lasã pustiit,

Vestejit si amortit

Si cu doru-mi singurel,

De mã-ngîn numai cu el.

Today didn't exist. Hello, I'm here.

The sadness is here, too. Mimikyu as well. He doesn't remember with me. As I said, today didn't exist. We were awake, or something. I update my dream journal. The nightmares are back, so I don't want to sleep, more so than usual.

I feel numb. It's strange. When I feel something, I want to be numb. But when I'm numb, I want to feel something. What sense does that make? And how am I numb if I crave something? So, I'm not numb, right? Well... For the most part, I'd say I'm numb, but there's always a tiny part that still feels. And I want to bring out that part! As soon as I do, I regret it and do anything to be numb again.

Blegh. I hate missing gaps of time. What did I do today? I think I cried twice.

27th of March, 2020

9:39 p.m.: Igorrr released a 1000+ piece puzzle. It's gorgeous. They're going all-in, and I LOVE it. I'm not even into puzzles, but I still want it.

9:28 p.m.:

Reminder to wash your hands and not be a rotter that endangers innocent people.

Also, the people who are complaining about some musicians still trying to make money. Uh... go learn some stuff about the music industry, please. Making money off album sales and streaming is hard. Most of the money comes from tours and shows. With COVID-19, obviously that's not a possibility at the moment. And musicians are people that need to live too. So don't get angry at them for trying to pay the bills. I don't understand how people can complain about how they're barely getting by while expecting musicians to be their personal slaves.

8:30 p.m.: Speaking of, this is Romania's rank on this democracy index.

It's sad.

8:12 p.m.: Something I've noticed is that if a country has something about democracy in their name, they're most likely not very democractic.

Take the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as an example. Or the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

6:35 p.m.: Aw... I realized that my "trope list" probably breaks Listography's rules. I'm not sure, but it seems it's a very family-friendly site and you aren't even allowed to use explicit language? That's what the rules read like to me. So I don't imagine listing the tropes I relate to is okay on that site. But I really want to do it, so I'll just add it to /index.html.

6:09 p.m.: So, my sister and her boyfriend came to me and asked me if I kept turning on a light because it keeps turning on by itself. The answer is no, I haven't been. But I love scaring people, so I pulled out some of my "creepiest" dolls and casually mentioned that it might be one of them. I don't think any of my dolls are creepy (I love all dolls and think they're beautiful... no such thing as a creepy doll to me!), but I know other people do, so hehe... The one people find creepiest that I have is a doll from the 1920s. She's a baby doll that's severely damage. Her whole head is peeling. I actually got her with another doll from the 1920s. I was at an antique store, and I saw this beautiful antique doll. I wanted her! So, I got her. She was damaged, but not as damaged as the other one I was talking about. When I brought her up to the cash, the lady was surprised that I was interested in it. She told me nobody wanted it, and that she also had another doll in the back, but didn't put her out because she was too badly damaged. She asked if I wanted that other doll as well. So, I said yes, obviously! I never turn down a free doll!!!!

I'll post a picture later.

But it really creeped them out and it gave me a good laugh. I love spooking people!

5:45 p.m.: I want to update my Listography, but I can't think of any lists. So I've just been using the "explore" button, looking at others' lists, and I found one that seems fun to do! It's describing yourself with those tropes on TV Tropes. I think I'll do that. They have so many tropes on there, there has to be some that I fit in.

5:03 p.m.: I avoid Potterheads at all costs because they always make stupid comments about my name. Haha. Wow, that's funny. There's a character with my name. Haha. I can't believe Lucius is a real name and not just something a writer came up with! Haha.

2:01 a.m.: Since my countdown for the album is over, I need a new goal to live to.

And I have the perfect goal.

This Halloween, of 2020, will be a full moon. That's PERFECT. I need to live to experience that.

I'm going to go listen to the album now, though. Will be updating my music page.


1:37 a.m.: Crying again. Why can't I stop being sad.

12:27 a.m.: I woke up at 10 p.m. and spent two hours just laying in bed sobbing. But now I'm up. I got a snack for breakfast, but I'm too sad to eat. I think I'll just vomit it up if I force myself to eat it, so I might throw it away. I kind of want to try and go back to sleep. I'm really sad lately.

26th of March, 2020

9:36 a.m.: Everyone says Animal Crossing is a peaceful and relaxing game, but I don't trust them. Everyone said that about Stardew Valley too, and that's one of the most stressful video games of all time. I'm fairly certain that the stress and rage of filling my inventory up with only a tiny fraction of my trillion crops to go and sell them just to find out it's Wednesday and Pierre's stupid store is closed has took 20 years off my life. AND HE TAKES CREDIT FOR ALL MY HARD WORK. I'M THE BACKBONE OF THIS TOWN, NOT PIERRE. I WANT TO GO SUPPORT JOJA OUT OF SPITE. TO HELL WITH PIERRE!

I married Elliott, by the way. He's the best. A long-haired, lonely, dramatic man living on the beach by himself? That treats you like a prince? Perfect. Elliott is the man.

8:59 a.m.: Lolcats and doge memes were the peak of comedy and nothing will ever change my mind. These are gold too, though.

6:35 a.m.: It's been about 6 months since I stopped cutting. I relapsed. I feel better now. I've needed this for a long time. I think I'm going to go play Minecraft and get high before I'm sad again.

6:03 a.m.: I'm crying again. Wow, what a surprise (it's not). I'm stressed. I don't want to go into detail, but basically Mother has made a decision that's really bad for me. I have a lot of overwhelming emotions about it. I want to bring it up with her, but I'm stopped by fear and guilt. I'm scared because whenever I try to talk to her, it's bad. It's really, really bad. Last time was traumatizing. I was thrown into the emergency room, waiting to be involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric ward, for acting completely rationally to a situation. I've talked about what happened on my blog, but that specific experience has worsened my mental health so much that I'm crying harder thinking about it and I don't want to go into detail. But what I'm trying to say is there a reason our relationship is bad and I don't trust her. I also feel guilty about the idea of bringing it up because the decision is one that makes her happy. But the decision will worsen my life so much more, I can't take it. I just want to try everything to get her to change her mind. I'll probably end up impusively begging her to stop and then regret it immediately afterwards.

I hate myself so much. It's all because I'm retarded. I hate being autistic. I'll never be able to function like a normal person. I'm so hard to put up with. I feel tremendous guilt and self-hatred, but at the same time, I'm angry at others and the world for not being suitable for my needs. I just want someone to understand how to deal with me. Because while allistics can make little changes that mean nothing to them but will mean the world to me, I cannot change. I cannot stop being a retard, no matter how much I pray or how hard I try. I'm stuck this way. And yet allistics refuse to help. It makes me furious. But also... guilty and furthers my self-hatred. Because I'm an inconvience, a burden to the world. People like me shouldn't be alive. I do nothing but make life harder for normal people. I give nothing, but demand everything. I should be killed for being autistic.

I don't know. I don't want to deal with this. I'm so tired of being concious. I want to die. I just want a break.

Things won't magically get better. I think I'm going to kill myself before she gets home. I can't kill myself right now because I don't have supplies. No weapons. No pills. Everything I can use to kill myself has been taken away. But there's still probably a few months until she returns home, so I imagine I'll find a way within that timeframe. And I'm crying harder already knowing my bunny will be sad. I love my bunny so much and she means everything to me, but I'm so selfish that ending my pain is more important to me than protecting her. I want to stay alive and make sure my bunny is happy, but I can't convince myself to. My selfish nature is more powerful than my love for her.

I really, really fucking hate myself.

5:30 a.m.: Thinking about it, I wonder if maybe being sick constantly could be related to my organ failure? It's interesting to think about because I know nothing about what happened. No one does, really. When I was three, I suddenly had organ failure. I went into a coma for two weeks. Almost died. The doctors couldn't figure out what caused it. I wonder if maybe that damaged my organs somewhat (especially my brain) or if I have an underlying problem.

5:19 a.m.: I probably would have it very bad if I caught COVID-19, honestly. My immune system is trash. I'm basically always sick. I'm not exaggeratting. No matter the time of year, I have symptoms of the flu for days at a time. For a day or two, it'll go away and I'll feel fine, but the next day it comes back and I'm sick again. I don't know what it is, but I don't care much since the symptoms are usually not too severe. At least not when you're dealing with them constantly and are already used to physically feeling like trash because of that and other things like chronic pain. Some times it gets very bad, though. Some times my vision randomly goes white and I collapse and almost faint. Some times I have breathing problems (not panic attacks). I think it's related to being very underweight and my past severe drug addictions.

I'm actually sick as I write this. No, it's not COVID-19. Just the normal sickness.

But I'm not worried because, as I've mentioned a lot, I never go outside. The rare times I do, I avoid people as best as I can. So there's pretty much a 0.1% chance I'll catch it. If I do, though, I believe I'll need to be hospitalized.

4:16 a.m.: I just... love arthropods... so much. My favourites are millipedes, hissing Madagascar cockroaches, and tarantulas. But oh man, they're all so cool!!! I LOVE THEM ALL! Except lady beetles. Screw lady beetles. One was hiding in my straw one time, and when I went to take a sip, he went in my mouth. Now, I'm an idiot, so feeling something hard in my water, I decide to press it between the roof of my mouth and my tongue. And dear Lord... You know what they smell like? THEY TASTE EXACTLY LIKE THAT. I spat him out and he was still alive, casually crawling over my sketchbook. Ever since, I've had a passionate hatred of lady beetles.

If I had to pick just one favourite, though, it'd definitely be millipedes. Gosh... My heart is full of love for them!!! I need a pet millipede so badly. I'm 99.9% positive that having a pet millipede will cure my depression. I love them that much.

Just watch this... Losing my mind. Losing my mind!!! TOO CUTE!!

4:11 a.m.: I couldn't see him close enough for long enough to confidently ID him, but I think he's a domestic house spider. Which is cool! They're not dangerous.

One thing I like doing is befriending random spiders I find. A while ago I had a cellar spider friend! I fed him dermestid larvae :-) It's very cool to watch them eat! Cellar spiders wrap their prey alive, so the larvae was struggling as he wrapped him up. Oh, and the dermestid larvae I got from my sister. I think the beetles are cool, but I don't keep them. She has them because she has crickets for her reptiles. The larvae eats up the dead crickets that the reptiles won't eat.

4:00 a.m.: I can't get a better picture right now, but I just found a new friend!!!!

I LOVE HIM!! SO MUCH!!! He was right beside me on the curtain. I don't know where he is now, though. Looked away after taking the picture and he disappeared. I'm sure I'll see him again soon, though! I need to think of a name. Hm...

3:03 a.m.: I used to have bright red hair. I really liked it. My favourite was back when one half of my head was bright red and the other was black. It looked lovely. If I were to ever start dyeing my hair different colours again, it'd probably be that half-red half-black style. But I'm devoted to normal black hair now, and I don't plan on ever changing it again.

25th of March, 2020

I really need a haircut. I hate how long my hair has grown. But I'm going to have to wait until all this COVID-19 stuff blows over, sadly. So unbearbly long hair it is. Sigh.

11:20 p.m.: J.J. McCullough is streaming! Yay! I love his videos.

10:38 p.m.:

This video is so cute!! Half-Asleep Chris is such a lovable guy, and toy photography is really cool. My personal collection and interest in toys is limited to antique/vintage toys (as well as horror and Pokemon toys), but I still love toy photography! I could spend hours on Flickr browsing through everyone's creative photos of toys.

This is completely unneccessary, but I'd also just like to remind: we have dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are still alive! In fact, there's billions of them! And those dinosaurs are birds. Birds aren't descendants, they themselves ARE dinosaurs! Isn't that awesome!? Next time you're outdoors (or right now, preferably just stay inside and look out your window) and you see a cute little bird, remember how incredible it is that they are the last surviving dinosaurs. And they also help the planet a bunch! That's wicked. Shoutout to birds.

9:56 p.m.: I don't understand the massive dislike of video essays on YouTube. Like, I understand people have different interests, but... can't wrap my head around it! It's the best type of content uploaded to that website! No need for an overly-expressive voice, bombardment of animated graphics, constant jumpcuts, or other things like that. Just read your "boring" essay! That's what I like!!

But also this is the teenage boy that reads pirated college textbooks purely for fun, so I guess I shouldn't expect most people to share my definition of "enjoyable".

It's ironic that I hate school and have always done terrible with it, but learning is one of my favourite hobbies. I guess a big reason why is that schools don't teach the topics I'm interested in. And when they do, it doesn't really matter because the system and method of teaching is always crap. Or their "non-biased" teaching is so flawed, outdated, inaccurate, unsuitable for specials needs students (and also nearly every student ever, to be honest)... it just sucks. The internet truly is the best place to learn a lot of things (as long as you know what you're doing). I'm not saying screw school, but... Screw how the education system currently is in my country. Blegh.

7:48 p.m.: I'M LOSING IT! THERE'S A NEW TAMABLE MOB!!! AND IT'S A NETHER MOB TOO!!!!!!!!!!! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!! I'm not a Minecraft player that likes to build. I'm not a redstone wizard. Nor am I into PvP. What I like to do in Minecraft is hoard pets (and to a lesser extent, farm crops). So!!! A new mob I can have as a pet!!?!?!? IN MY FAVOURITE PART OF MINECRAFT, THE NETHER!? It's perfect! The mob is so cute too!

7:33 p.m.: I got sad and started crying out of nowhere. I want a big brother. I have Mimikyu, at least. He's my best friend. My other friends are my bunny and Vasile (Vasile is my antique pocket watch). They're not humans, but they're still friends.

But I want a human friend sometimes. Well, just a big brother. That's all.

6:02 p.m.: I didn't close my computer before I accidentally fell asleep, so YouTube wasn't refreshed. Woke up, saw the full album of Spirituality and Distortion was out. Confused since it wasn't the 27th but figured they released it early for some reason, so I excitedly clicked it. It said it was taken down by the label, though, so now I know it was a leak. I'm glad it was taken down because I want to wait for the official release. Would've sucked if I clicked it some hours earlier and had the experience ruined.

Also, yes, I know that leaks are often done by the label to generate hype. But I'm still not a fan of leaks. I want to wait until the official release, always.

3:37 a.m.: Ah, I'm tired now. My body wants to sleep, but I feel guilty. I don't deserve to sleep. It's the same feeling I get when I eat. The overwhelming guilt and sadness. Because I don't deserve to eat or sleep or drink water. I hate myself so much.

I feel embarrassed because I want to cuddle someone. I've actually never cuddled anyone before, not even Mother. Nowadays, I don't want to be close to anyone anymore. I don't deserve friends or a boyfriend because I'm a bad person. I'm clingy and obsessive. Kind of nearing a stalker. I don't like it when people I like talk to or pay attention to anyone but me. I want to be someone's first priority. I want someone to love me and take care of me. So I throw temper tantrums. I treat people terribly. I make them feel guilty for being normal humans. And that's why I no longer let myself talk to anyone. I can't control being a bad person when I start getting close to someone. I just want their undivided attention, and I'll do bad stuff just to get it. It's more for others' sake than my own, although I usually default to saying I don't trust people as the reason why. But the truth is I actually trust very easily. I get obsessed very easily. I just hurt others with my extreme clinginess and dependency.

So it's embarrassing I still want love deep down. I don't want to be like that. I want to erase feelings like that. I want to never want love. I want to never want friends. I wish I was emotionless.

I miss my ex.

I don't deserve anything but the overwhelming pain I feel every day. I'm just getting what I deserve.

2:41 a.m.: Nothing like a nice cup of Earl Grey at 2 in the morning! With gauze on your face because you're an idiot and decided mutilating your face was a fun thing to do while waiting for your tea to be ready. But I'm off to play Minecraft now. I've got a cemetery to build!

2:10 a.m.: 3 days without sleep. Not tired. I have some things I want to share!

This is a journal I have... made entirely of BANANAS! It's gorgeous. Smells strange but nice as well. I haven't written anything in it because I can't think of anything worthy of being written in there. I don't want to ruin it with silly writings. The cover is made of banana leaves, and the pages are banana paper.

Some spooky friends! Aren't they beautiful? It's handmade! You don't see it in the pictures, but they're in a tiny cabinet that you can open and close.

And this is my bunny! She loves having her ears rubbed.

12:58 a.m.: Writing again about those heroes because I just... can't get them off my mind. They're so hilariously bad. Now, I'm not the type that goes around screaming about "forced diversity". People exist. People are naturally diverse. But these characters truly are the definition of forced diversity. I have some controversial opinions (in the LGBT community only... non-LGBT people tend to all agree with my opinion on it) towards non-binary people/MOGAI, but still. The character's religious beliefs (non-binary) defines their entire identity. They highlight it. I mean, hell, that's how they literally introduced them! I wouldn't think of it as "forced diversity" even with my opinion on MOGAI if they didn't shove it in your face. It just proves they're doing it to pander. But it didn't work because not even that community enjoys it. Nobody does. I think everyone can agree no matter their opinion on the subject that it's offensive and idiotic. If you want to make a non-binary character, alright, go ahead. That's fine. I don't see any inherent problem with that. But dear God, please actually make them a character with depth. Don't just slap some label on them to try to pander to a niche audience and leave it at that. I think there's a big problem when a brain-damaged teenager (that is me) can understand how to form a better character than the grown adult that created these OFFICIAL MARVEL CHARACTERS.

Also still can't get over the name. It's like if they named the first gay male superhero "Faggot". (Although "faggot" is a lot more offensive than "snowflake", you get what I mean.) How did they think that was a good idea. I feel like he made all these characters for shits and giggles. It's just too surreal.

12:25 a.m.: HOLY CRAP! WOW. I just learnt of those new Marvel heroes and I haven't laughed this hard in FOREVER. I can't believe they're real??? SNOWFLAKE AND SAFESPACE?!?! IT SOUNDS LIKE A TROLL I CAN'T TAKE IT! I just... It won't sink in that this isn't some joke. It's both hilarious and offensive. Offensive to literally EVERYONE no matter their opinion on this kind of stuff. What a strange world we're living in.

12:12 a.m: The dreaded "Autism Awareness Month" is coming up. I am not looking forward to having to restrain myself from punching everyone that spouts autistic genocide nonsense and supports Autism Speaks. The only people that need a cure are allistics for thinking killing all autistics is OK. I swear, allistics are more stereotypically "retarded" than "actual retards" like me.

I literally have not met a single allistic, besides my ex, who isn't a terrible person. I hate to make blanket statements and generalize, but I honestly have a big problem not doing that when it comes to allistics because of how abusive they are. They literally have massive organizations that are socially acceptable dedicated to KILLING US AND WIPING OUT ALL FUTURE AUTISTICS. It's hard to not generalize, honestly. But I'll admit there are some that are decent people. But most aren't. I'm just so sick of having to deal with how cruel they often are.

24th of March, 2020

10:10 p.m.: I'm scared and angry. I hate myself. I've never not hated myself. I know I will never like myself.

I feel so terrible tonight. I'm sobbing. I want to get drunk, but there's no alcohol left... I want to cut, but they took my blades away from me... I don't know how to cope. With no way to cope, I just want to go impulsively overdose. I won't, but I want to so badly.

Why do I cry? It doesn't help. I don't feel any better by crying, but I can't stop it. I've always cried easily. I'm a crybaby. If anything, crying makes it worse. Because I sob violently, for hours on end. And I'll cry so much I get dehydrated and my body hurts. But then when I finally think I've cried all the water out of my body, I'm crying again. And it just continues forever, it feels like.

I'm dead, right? So why am I still here!? It makes no sense. I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist. I want to go home to nothingness. I don't want to think. I want it to be how it was before my birth.

I don't know why I'm bothering to write any of this. I don't know if it's helping. I don't know if it's making it worse. I don't know if it's doing anything at all. I know these feelings and thoughts well. What's different about this? I'm typing it down on a website instead of keeping them inside my rotting brain. But what difference does that make? Still the same. Still the same... But I'll do it anyway. And I don't know why! I do things without knowing why! That's incredibly frustrating.

I'm so sorry. I feel guilty. I'm not a good person. My poor bunny, I can't abandon her. She needs me. But I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm so sick of being sad and terrified all the time. I'll try to hang on. I wish I died earlier. I kind of feel like I'm immortal. I should be dead by now. I have no idea how I survived this long. I've cut arteries. I've overdosed countless times. I've had organ failure and went into a coma. And yet I'm still here! Some might say that's some positive sign, but to me, it just reinforces my belief that the universe is trying to torture me. I'm just a punching bag for God! Let me die, God! I'm already dead, but I want to die. That's idiotic.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I always say that. I'm constantly repeating it. I don't know why. It doesn't do anything. I'm clueless about everything. I WANT TO GET SHOT. OR GET HIGH. BOTH PREFERABLY. I wrote a whole paragraph about how to properly shoot yourself, but then I realized that sounds like I'm giving instructions to others when really I'm just talking to myself, so I deleted it all. I love talking about thanatology. I know so much about it. It gives me great joy. Going off on that deleted thanatology infodump cheered me up a bit.

So I'm going to go try to distract myself before I get really sad and start crying again.

7:59 p.m.: Ugh, I want to vomit. I make poor decisions. Too many stims.

I'm excruciatingly bored. I should read. I haven't read yet despite saying I was going to get back into it yesterday. But I don't want to right now. I don't know what I want to do. I kind of want to pull pranks... Hm.

5:50 p.m.: Ahah, it's amusing! Fast food chains are considered "essential businesses" and will stay open. So is our version of what I believe in America is the "Dollar Tree" (? I don't know much about America, honestly...). That one makes more sense to me, though. Our area is poor and dying. Oh, it's the weirdest, littlest things that make me like humans a bit. They can be very entertaining.

I don't count because I'm dead, by the way. I don't use "they" because I think I'm better. I'm just dead! Dead, dead, dead! I'm a ghost of some sort. Not really a human, for better or for worse. Okay, definitely for worse, I'd say. I hate myself just as much as I hate humans. Except for I actually hate myself more, because there are some lovely humans out there.

Oh, and I don't live in a town. I live in the middle of nowhere. The country! Surrounded by woods. My closest neighbours are fellow dead people. I'm not joking. The cemetery is right beside my house, less than a minute's walk! I actually love that because cemeteries are my favourite place on earth. There are a few living people around the area, but not many. And I rarely see them. They're all depressed, though. Meth labs. A couple years back a lady jumped off the bridge beside my house. My old middle school was abandoned, then mysteriously bought out, and last year they raided it and found a gigantic illegal grow op (weed is legal, but not what he was doing). Funniest thing? The man who ran it was my sister's boyfriend's cousin! Haha! What a hero. A dumb one, though. The only reason he got caught was because he decided tearing giant holes in the driveways so nobody could get in wasn't suspicious. Idiot. Oh, and the nursing home caught on fire and an old lady died. One of my neighbours is a convicted pedophile sex offender. TLDR: The few people that are here are absolute trash.

Wow, I got really off-track. I brought that up because when I refer to "my/the town", I'm referring to the closest town to me which is an hour away.

Oh, and earlier this morning, I was looking at reviews of my old schools (or schools that were in the areas I used to live). It was a blast! These two are my favourites.

4:32 p.m.: I can't believe it's this late already. I'm not tired at all. But I'm going to drink my second Monster today anyway because I'll die without drinking one every few hours. It just gives me the will to live.

I finally started my art page.

11:24 a.m.: Why do they never make sweets for me!? This is torture!!! I need my fresh homemade sweets!!! And they do make them, BUT NEVER FOR ME!!! Oh, I wish I was at Mère et Père's... It'd be lovely. Lots of yummy homemade sweets that only grandmothers can bake, and an endless amount of alcohol (they have a bar in their basement which is where I sleep when I stay)! I was planning on asking to visit them and stay there until Mother gets back, but then the government got really strict, so I can't. Sad. Instead I have to live through this hell! Smelling amazing, freshly-baked sweets and not being allowed to eat any. I guess I'll just cope with my tea and veggies.

It's honestly incredible to me that I'm very underweight despite living off sweets/junk food and Monsters. Probably my furious nicotine addiction, when I think about it. Oh, and Monsters too, I suppose. Both kill your appetite. But that doesn't make much sense when it comes back to my obsession with confections... Hm.

11:14 a.m.: I'm worried for homeless people during this pandemic. Society already treats them terribly, and it's bound to get worse with COVID-19. I've already seen a ton of people saying they hope it kills them all. I hate humans.

2:18 a.m.: I'd just like to mention that even though international news and the world are focused on COVID-19, Hong Kong is still fighting. Please continue to pay attention and support Hong Kong. Five demands, not one less. Only one has been met.

1:50 a.m.: I want to smoke so badly. But I can't right now, so vaping it is.

Vaping is truly more practical in every way. Endless choices for flavours. Nic salts or THC. Doesn't smell as much. Although the last one is both bad and good for me... I love the smell (and the clinginess) of both tobacco and weed, so it's bad, but also useful when you're around others.

But I still prefer smoking. Why? Because I love knowing I'm destroying my body. I hate myself and I love to hurt myself. Vaping doesn't feel self-destructive at all. I only have a vape because they bought it for me to try and get me to stop smoking. And I said yes, because why not? Now, obviously it didn't get me to stop like they wanted, but I've cut down. Only because I'm being watched 24/7 and I know I'd get in major trouble if they know I don't care to stop smoking. So I vape more than I smoke now. And it SUCKS. I can't wait until they leave me alone.

1:34 a.m.: Tried to eat something. Regret it. Want to vomit. Really want to vomit. I can't even begin to describe how sick I feel. It's bad!

You know, I think if the nurses didn't make fun of me, I'd actually like the psychiatric ward.

That reminds me, Mother is trying to get me put in a group home. Yes, it's gotten to that point. It's going to be a waste of money if it happens.

I just hope they'd actually let me use electronics/the internet, but probably not. In the pyschiatric ward at the hospital, they're not allowed. They say it worsens mental health in times of crisis. I can see where they're coming from, but that's only true for when you have visitors or are friendly with the staff and other patients... I never had any visitors except for Mother for an hour every few days. The staff made fun of me and the other patients thought I was weird. Isn't that pathetic? It seems no matter where I am, I'm always the most "fucked up" to the point I'm made fun of by others that should be understanding. At a school for special needs students... at the psychiatric ward... It hurts.

Anyway, it's so strange to see everyone complaining about social distancing. I don't know. COVID-19 doesn't affect me at all. Life is exactly the same as it always is for me, except I see a bunch of people online complaining about social distancing. I haven't been outside my house in 2 months... not even to go in the yard. I'm probably the champion of social distancing, haha.

12:35 a.m.: I customized tooltips, but I can't figure out how to stop the default one from showing alongside it. Whatever, though. I'm probably never going to use them outside of the graphics page.

Speaking of, I need to get around to giving all my images alt text.

23rd of March, 2020

11:59 p.m.: As soon as someone unironically uses the term "cult", I know their opinion is not worthwhile. Number one rule of religious studies and discussions: Don't use the term "cult". It's not a neutral academic term. It literally just means any religion you don't like. It's obviously normal and healthy to have opinions and criticisms of religions, but that doesn't mean you have a pass at calling them a cult. It's immature and shows you aren't educated in the slightest about religion, therefore your opinion holds no weight.

If you're trying to describe a recently-formed religion, use new religious movement. If you want to describe a violent or strict sect, then... just call it violent or strict. Don't use a term that has no meaning other than to be offensive.

This all being said, there are rare times "cult" is fine/accurate to use, but that's in a historical sense.

Seriously, it infuriates me so much. If you don't know anything about religious studies, don't act like you do. Especially when it comes to the use of "cult" because it's genuinely harmful.

11:14 p.m.: The reading journal is now set up. Time to play Minecraft.

10:06 p.m.: I want to get back to reading books. So, I'm going to make a reading log/journal... I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I'll just play around, I suppose.

6:18 p.m. I've got more time to kill / Unless it kills me first

It's hard to breathe sometimes / I don't have the guidance / To find the way to sunshine

I should post it to the music page. I will, later.

I realized I'm truly nocturnal. I'm awake all night, and if I manage to sleep, it's always the whole day. Usually I stay up 1-2 days at a time before falling asleep a whole day, though. I don't think I've slept "properly" since I was 12. I have permanent dark circles. I actually find they get worse the more I sleep? No idea why.

I'm still thinking about having a big brother. It'd make me happy. If I had a big brother, there'd actually be someone in this world I can trust and enjoy being with. Instead, I have an abusive older sister. She'd physically hurt me and tell me she hopes I die growing up. I got a break from her when she become an adult, but now that Mother's gone and her and her boyfriend are watching me, I have to deal with her again. Thankfully she isn't as mean to me anymore, but I still hate her and I will never forgive her for all the damage she caused me.

Big brothers are different. Men are kind. Not to be a misogynist, but women tend to be cruel. I know there's some good women out there, but it's not common. At least not where I live. And I admittedly have a deep-seated fear of women since all my abusers were women. I don't let it make me treat them any differently than I would another human being, but inside I am pretty cautious of them, and I don't think that'll ever change.

6:58 a.m.: I want a big brother. I want a big brother that will take care of me and we can spend all our time together. That'd be nice.

6:51 a.m.: I don't want to be crazy. It's miserable.

Everyone always says you aren’t your mental illness, but that’s not possible with schizophrenia. It affects my perception of everything. How am I supposed to know who I am? If I am an individual apart from schizophrenia, are my beliefs my own? Are my memories my own? Or are they from being schizophrenic? How could you tell? Am I allowed to have a religion, any spiritual belief, and have it be just as valid and important to my identity as anyone else’s, or is it automatically just dangerous insanity? Are all the traumatic experiences I went through real or is my brain so ill that it makes up frightening memories? It’s impossible to separate.

The perception I have of myself is fragile. People tell me that I’ve done things that I wouldn’t think of doing, or just things that I’m unable to remember. My first thought is that they’re mistaken or lying. But what if they’re not? How can I be sure? Maybe if it was just a small incident every now and then, but it’s not. So many people have accused me of acting like a person I know I’m not. But again, how do I know for sure? But also how do I know for sure that they’re not lying and taking advantage of me? I can’t. I know I can’t, but I ask myself those questions anyway.

It’s terrifying. I can’t trust anyone, not even my own brain.

I'd prefer it if I didn’t find out I was schizophrenic. I wish I could erase my diagnosis and all memories of people accusing me of being crazy. Then I could continue without all the distrust of my surroundings.

I am not “a person with schizophrenia”, I am schizophrenic. It’s ugly, but that’s how it is.

2:25 a.m.: I want to die.

I'm terribly selfish. No, I'm not selfish, I'm just autistic. I can't handle some things. But it makes her happy. I want to take away what makes her happy because I'm selfish. Does she think about me, ever? About how things affect me? Is SHE selfish, or am I?

No one cares about me. I don't even care about myself! I'm not worth the energy of being loved or hated. I'm not even a real person. I'm dead.

I'm dead, so why am I here? He won't answer me. I feel like screaming. I can't scream because they're asleep. But if I'm dead, why does it matter? Isn't this all fake? I have no idea. All I know is that I'm dead, and nothing else. It's scary how little I know.

I've always felt these beings watching me. They used to scare me. Then I learnt to love them. I still don't know much about them. There's this thing... I don't know what he is. He told me he was a soul that somehow never lived. But he was my soulmate, so he stuck by me. And he told me to do horrid things. I almost did. I almost committed mass murder like he told me to. But I didn't, and then he went away. I realized he was just a hallucination/delusion, a sign of early schizophrenia. I was only diagnosed when I was 16 (he was around at 13-14), so I only realized it recently. Also, I named him Soil because he sometimes comes back. But anyway, I bring that up because I thought for a while he was the prescence I've always felt. He wasn't, though, I know that now. I still don't know what exactly these beings are.

I want to know. I should get back to my practices.

2:10 a.m.: NO! NO! No, no, no!!! What is she thinking!? MY LIFE IS GOING TO GET SO MUCH WORSE. I hate her. I hate her so damn much. I want her to die. I'm trapped. Oh Lord, help me. I don't want to be here, but I'm trapped. Oh Lord...

1:00 a.m.: Changing things up a bit. I want it to be more readable.

22nd of March, 2020

11:33 p.m.: I'm trying to change the background, but my .css file isn't saving for some reason.

8:45 p.m.: I'm a proponent of public transit, but COVID-19 highlights the cons of it.

Also, I'm way too hot. Overheated. I hate it. I prefer being cold. I'm very sensitive to heat, but I need to have a blanket on my shoulders all the time. I need the pressure blankets give me to stay calm and comfortable. But when I'm hot, I can't do that!!! So that's why I like being cold. I can pile as many blankets as I'd like on myself and not be hot.

6:31 p.m.: Geeks are so endearing. All my boyfriends were geeks. Violent geeks, to be specific. That's my type. I don't date anyone that doesn't show every red flag possible within the first day of meeting them. My last was the best relationship I've ever had, but I hate what he did. He literally left me to die. Overdosing on the floor. And I tried calling him over and over in the hospital to make sure HE was okay. I was trapped in the hospital and almost died, and yet I cared more about his well-being than my own. But he never answered and he just left me. I hate him.

Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. I've completely stopped having relationships or friends. I keep to myself now, and I think I've actually been doing a lot better since. You never really realize how terrible and draining humans are until you completely isolate yourself. I don't even have online friends anymore. The most I'll do is sometimes post in a Discord server of a YouTube channel I watch, but that's it.

4:02 a.m.:

I took this test a year ago. Still the same WPM. I'm a bit surprised I haven't gotten faster, but whatever. 100 WPM with three capitilization errors isn't bad.

1:52 a.m.: So, this website used to be different. It was a diary for a little while. But then I got annoyed with it and abandoned it for a private Tumblr blog diary. Then I came back to my Neocities (also, I don't know if it'd be called a Neocity or a Neocities... hm) and completely started over. There's an entry on my blog diary that I want to share here since I'm going to delete the blog and I think this one is worth keeping. It's from January 12th, 2020.

This is the top comment on ReligionForBreakfast’s video about American civil religion. I love this comment! It’s food for thought, for sure. It actually got me curious as to what “the CK2 mod After the End” is. I looked it up, and it’s a mod for a game. I checked out the mod’s subreddit (a fan-made continuation). It seems to be full of interesting lore! I kind of want to play it now.

So, I watched another video of ReligionForBreakfast’s (I’m binge-watching all the videos of his I haven’t already seen tonight). It really got me thinking! It was the one on animal sacrifice legality.

I entered it biased. Animal sacrifice? Completely unjustifiable. You’d think that someone with a religion commonly stereotyped to be full of animal sacrifice wouldn’t be so biased about it, but… I guess that’s a big reason why I was! Because to me, it was horrid, and I hated people thinking I participated in that. The other stereotypes that come bundled along with it (like rape and senseless murder) didn’t help that.

At the beginning of the video, I became aware of my bias. So, to try and combat it, I asked myself what makes animal sacrifice any different from the meat industry. “Both are cruel,” I decided. “I don’t like either of them.” I still was totally against the idea of animal sacrifice being legal, but the meat industry? “Well, I don’t agree with it and I think a lot needs to be changed, but killing animals for food shouldn’t be illegal.”

I caught another example of my bias again! Why is killing animals for food okay, but not for religious purposes? Most people do not need to eat meat to survive, and surely not so much it requires factory farming. Both killing animals for meat and religious reasons are not necessary (again, outside of those with physical conditions who need to). Why is one okay for me while the other is not? And my mind thought about: animal cruelty. “You can have ethical farms, but animal sacrifice is not ethic–”

Oh. He brought up how they humanely killed the animals. Why didn’t I ever think of that? With that in mind, isn’t it actually… better than most of the meat industry? Where in life, animals are made to suffer? I know they use humane killing methods, but that doesn’t erase the terrible life. Small farms tend to care for their livestock in a more ethical way than factories. I imagine people who participate in animal sacrifice are the same. So… Bam. Then I agreed, animal sacrifice should be legal when performed humanely.

I still feel a bit icky towards animal sacrifice performed ethically if the remains aren’t utilized (whether it be eating the meat, making art, or something else), but not to the point I’d bother anyone for it. I think it’s wasteful, but it’s not cruel, you know?

It feels good to think.

1:35 a.m.: I don't trust people who scream about being LGBT constantly, like that's how they introduce themselves and stuff like that. That's one of the biggest problems I have with the LGBT community nowadays... It's no longer about wanting to be treated like a normal human being. It's all dehumanizing now. Glorification/fetishizing is just as much dehumanizing as demonization. It infuriates me. I want to be seen as a normal person with normal love. We were getting somewhere, but now we're going backwards. It's not progressive in the slightest. It's the same bigotry but with a different wrapping (that has PC buzzwords all-over). It furthers my belief that people rarely think for themselves and if they were living in 1930s Germany, they'd all be Nazis. They just go with whatever's popular/acceptable instead of critically thinking and coming to their own conclusions.

12:24 a.m.: The hoodie I'm wearing, that's in that picture, is one of my favourites. I have a fondness for black-and-white striped clothes. I have a lot with that pattern!! The hoodie is actually a cropped one, but it's not on me. It's hard to find clothes intended to be gothic that fit me since I'm very small and skinny. It doesn't bother me much when it comes to tops because I find oversized tops comfy and prefer them, but don't get me started on pants/shorts... That's where I hate it! I can't wear any of those cool pants because they're made for men much bigger than me. No one makes nice clothing for midgets like me :'-( Even my suspenders are oversized. I think I can make them fit better using the strap thingies, but I don't know how to use things like that. I've never been able to wrap my head around it.

I decided to make that Minecraft page! I think it'll be fun. I'm not too sure how to start it off, though. Maybe my current base? It's a giant tree stump with a greenhouse on top, but I'm still working on it. I have a habit of not finishing my base because I find another location I want to make a base at, which is the case right now... except this time, I'm going to force myself to finish the tree stump base. Then I can move and make my hobbit hole in the plains.

21st of March, 2020

11:36 p.m.: I have a recent selfie without my face censored.

I don't know if I should replace the picture on /index.html with this one... I don't think I'm comfortable having my full face on the very first page, but also it's at the very bottom of a long page, so not many people would see it, right? Eh, I'll think about it.

I'm going to go share some music and then play Minecraft.

6:21 p.m.: I've stopped swearing for the most part. Not because I think swearing is bad, I just don't feel it's like me. I never really cursed much except online for some reason. I guess it's because it's more common? To fit in? I don't know. Either way, I rarely curse now. I use "frick" and "heck" instead because I act like a 10-year-old. One of my favourites is, "Son of a biscuit"... It's very much like me. I don't use it to mean "biscuit eater", though. For me, the words are meaningless.

Oh, I forgot to do my injection yesterday! I'm dumb. I'll have to do that now.

5:52 p.m.: I don't pay much attention to American politics, but, uh... America's president is a quack.

I think my government is immature, but Trump is on another level. Stay safe and don't get your medical advice from him.

3:15 a.m.: I feel so empty. I hate it, but at the same time, I don't because I'm empty. My hatred is distant, but I want to feel something, so I'm trying to focus on it and bring it out.

Sinking slowly watch me wither, caught up in a lie / I'll be suffering from everything until the day I die / Hope they're happy when they see me on the screen / Oh God, I'm wasted

The album is good.

20th of March, 2020

11:13 p.m.: The only thing that's actually cringy is adults spending so much time making fun of harmless phases every preteen goes through. And it's also super creepy. It's a form of emotional abuse and I hate how this type of content is socially acceptable.

9:22 p.m.: I want to be a Short King, but instead I am a tiny stableboy.

8:18 p.m.: Guess who just bought $60 worth of music from Virgin Babylon Records? Me. I did. I am serious about my love for this label, and I will support them until I die.

6:49 p.m.: Bandcamp is giving all profit from sales directly to the artists for today only. It's especially important because COVID-19 has caused lots of shows/tours to be cancelled, and that is the primary source of revenue for musicial artists. So now is a great time to go support your favourite artists!

2:42 p.m.: I want to make a page for my new 2020 Minecraft world. I've been playing Minecraft since 2012, but I never actually beat survival Minecraft because I have a habit of deleting my worlds constantly. This world I plan to keep forever and ever. So far, it's going pretty good, if I do say so myself! I think it'd be neat to just log everything I'm doing in my world on here.

I actually took a long, long break from Minecraft. I only recently got back to playing it, and oh my, so much has changed! I'm still not caught up with everything yet. But it's fun to learn it all!

12:51 p.m.: Oh, I'm happy! So, they sent me a picture of some wild flowers in the country, asking me what it is. I didn't know. But oh my, it was gorgeous! A pastel purple with a pale yellow centre. And it was a vine. Now, let me tell you, there's few things I love more than the colour purple and vines!! So I had to find out what it was. It's apparently called the Bengal clockvine. It's my new favourite flower/plant. I need to plant some if I ever get the opportunity.

I think I'll post that picture I shared a few entries ago in /index to give this website a more personal/human feel. Even though half my face is scribbled out, I think it still serves its purpose.

11:42 a.m.: I changed the layout. Well, still am. I have to finish the other pages. I plan on editing them more later, but right now I just want to get the new basic layout done.

19th of March, 2020

11:23 p.m.: I've seen some people use drop-down lists/tabs, and I think that's a good idea. It saves space. I think it'd work good for listing my interests because I have a lot. I might do that. I don't know.

I'm also a bit undecided on what I want the design/aesthetic to be. I've been thinking... maybe I can make a thing to toggle different aesthetics for my site? I think that'd be cool, but also it sounds hard, and I know nothing about coding. I could try.

10:10 p.m.: The layout of my site is really bad for what I'm doing with it. Meaning, it's not good for lots and lots of text. I could just make it wider, but I already want to change it entirely. I don't know. We'll see.

18th of March, 2020

8:56 p.m.: He's here! He's here!!! He hasn't visited me in ages! He hasn't spoken to me yet, but I can tell he's here. There's this thing that happens when he visits. It's hard to explain. There's spiderwebs wrapped around you and you have no control for a moment, but it's peaceful. You can tell it's a higher power.

7:52 p.m: I'm not American, but the EARN IT act is infuriating. They're disgustingly clever too, trying to sneak it through while the news and public are focused on COVID-19. The American government is turning authoritarian. They can claim it's "for the children" as many times as they'd like, but the fact remains they know it won't do anything to stop it, and it's just an excuse to take the first steps into becoming the next CCP. I don't want to see another country in this world turn into something from 1984. It should concern everyone who cares about human rights and freedom, no matter where they're from.

Mutahar made a video on it last night, so I hope that'll bring a lot of attention to it. If you're American and don't know what it is, please go learn about it. It's highly important.

7:11 p.m.: I still haven't slept. I'm not tired. I have a lot on my mind I want to write down here, but I don't know what to write. Because there's nothing on my mind. Just notes. No, there's something, that's not what I meant. I don't know how to transcribe.

I said the other night I started my medications again, yes? I haven't taken them since... I forget to ask for them. See, that is the problem with what they're doing! Since my last overdose, I have to go and ask for my medications. Strictly monitored and locked away. But I forget about them... I only remember when they are in my sight or after a nasty hallucination/delusion. And when I do remember, it's usually when they're asleep or gone. Then I forget to ask when they're awake or come back. Ugh.

Now I'm thinking of that last overdose/hospitalization. Oh Lord, it was terrible. I can't believe what he did to me. I don't want to think about it. I'm going to cry. Another topic, another topic, then.

I hope Mère et Père are alright. (Those are my grandparents. Mère and père mean mother and father, but that is what we refer to them instead of Grand-mère/Grand-père because it's shorter. I tend to use "et" in English writing because I view it as a title in writing, Mère et Père.)

A song that reminds me of him came on. I want to cry again. I don't want to be sad tonight. I ran out of alcohol. I drank it all. So that is not a coping mechanism if I fall suicidal again tonight. I should be careful.

But back to Mère et Père! COVID-19 is in their city now. They'll probably be fine. They're smart. Oh, and COVID-19 is also why Mother is not home. She was supposed to return home the other day, but she can't because of the airports. She's in another country. I'm left in the care of my older sister and her boyfriend. I hate them both. I want Mother back.

6:55 p.m.: Am I supposed to follow people on here? I didn't even know that was a thing until now. Strange. I don't think I'll follow anyone, though. Unless they ask. Considering most Neocities feel very personal, I think it'd be awkward for me to follow anyone unless they asked me to. I'm not good with the "social" part of social media, no, no, not at all!

5:53 p.m.: This image is from a while ago. I'm bored, so I want to share random photos, I guess? Anyway, this is my vintage Cheer Bear backpack and a treat I just discovered at the time called "Koala's March". They're a lot like Yan Yans, but instead of dipping sticks into the cream, the cream is inside these cute little koala biscuits. I still prefer Yan Yans, but Koala's March are cute and yummy!

Mimikyu!!! He killed Pikachu :o Mimikyu is beside me right now. He says hello to anyone who might be reading this, and reminds you to go wash your hands. He is very sweet despite his dislike of Pikachu.

And this is Mimikyu and I. Face is partly censored, but I still think it reminds anyone reading that I am an actual person and not just words on a screen. I always find it interesting when people do that, so why don't I? You're not missing out on anything anyway. I have my septum pierced. That's the only thing, really.

Speaking of piercings, I'm getting my snake bites done soon!! I'm very excited. I plan on having their jewelry be black spikes. That's what I want the main "theme" of all my facial piercings to be (and I plan on getting my whole face pierced). Black spikes/studs. My septum is a black spiked horseshoe. Simple but my favourite.

5:06 p.m.:

Not surprised. Schizophrenia and autism causes that.

A lot of people think of me as "low-functioning" even though I don't have an intellectual disability because of how... well, terrible I am at being "normal". I can't act "normal" no matter what. As shown by my score, I can't function at all when it comes to social interaction. Because of that, no one takes the time to get to know me (I don't blame them for that!), so people often think I'm intellectually disabled on some level. So, even though I don't have an intellectual disability, I still often refer to myself as a "low-functioning autistic" because it helps people understand me.

I'm trash at verbal speech. I've always preferred writing. It's the only way I can actually communicate my thoughts properly. When I was younger, I was mute, and I used to carry around a little whiteboard that I'd write on to communicate. But since I started talking, it's not acceptable at all to Mother to revert back to that, no matter how much it'd help me. It took many years of therapy and medications to get me to talk. So... I will have to put up with it. Sometimes, when I'm able, or when I'm just too bad, I will write notes instead. But she doesn't know that. Since I'm no longer in school, I don't really have to talk to anyone, thankfully. I didn't have any friends in school (no acquaintances either- only the teachers would occasionally greet me), so it wasn't as bad as it could've been back then.

Speaking of school, I'm not a drop-out. I feel like I am, but not really. I've just been told to finish the last of my work at home because I couldn't function in school. I'm thankful for that, but it also makes me feel quite pathetic because it's a special needs school. A school meant for students like me, who couldn't function in normal schools... and yet I'm so retarded, I couldn't even function there!

I changed schools 3 times in one year (last year, I think it was?) because of that. I kept attempting suicide and was repeatedly hospitalized. That's what got me ushered into the special needs school with a long waiting list. But even in that school, I kept trying to kill myself. So, that's why I'm now at home.

Some people are truly doomed, and I am one of them. Just like my brother.

My mental health is irreparable.

No matter how hard I try to get better, nothing works. Nothing except for drugs. They make me happy in the moment. That's the only thing. I do want to be happy, but it's impossible. And I hate it when people say that's not true, because I know damn well it is. I've been miserable for all 17 years of my life. I've been trying to not be miserable for all 17 years of my life. If things were to ever get better for me, there'd have at least been slight improvement somewhere along the line, but there hasn't been. I always think I'm at the lowest I can get, but then I surprise myself by finding myself even lower than before. At this point, I think I'm below hell.

5:40 a.m.: Joshua and the Promised Land is the best movie I've ever watched. An absolute masterpiece.

Haven't slept. Don't plan on it. I'm wide awake. I've spent the night watching terrible movies (like Joshua and the Promised Land) while playing Minecraft. I feel a lot better than I did earlier!

17th of March, 2020

8:31 p.m.: I love corpses. They're gorgeous. There's no suffering. The misery of life is over. They are at peace. That peace is contagious. When you see one, don't you want to hold it? I do. I want to cuddle a corpse and keep it.

A lot of people would label me a "necrophiliac", but I don't really agree with that. I don't want to have sex with a corpse. The furthest I would go is kiss one. I just find them beautiful and I want to be surrounded by them. Most of the time, it's platonic. Sometimes romantic. I guess you could say... I'm a necromantic. But in all seriousness, I do feel that'd be the best way to describe it. I don't feel ashamed about it because there's no reason to be in my eyes. And everyone already knows. I've been open about it since I was 12. I remember writing in a school assignment how much I loved corpses and want to keep one as a doll. Bathe them, groom them, dress them, sit them down with me to eat, sleep (not the sexual way) with them.

I've given up on my past goal to be a forensic pathologist because I know I'm not going to live long enough. So, sadly, I'll never get to be surrounded by corpses. To cope with that, I plan on saving up the money to buy a human skeleton. It's completely legal, by the way. You can buy them online. But they're incredibly expensive, so it'll take a lot of saving. Honestly, I don't need a whole human skeleton (although it'd be wonderful). Just a skull is fine. But the skull is the most expensive part

I'm writing a lot here tonight, huh? I'm going to go play Minecraft for a bit, but I'll probably write even more later.

8:24 p.m.: We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow / But now alone I lie and weep beside the tree / Singing “Oh willow waly” by the tree that weeps with me / Singing “Oh willow waly” till my lover return to me / We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow / A broken heart have I / Oh willow I die, oh willow I die

Lovely song. Lovely movie. It means a lot to me. It's one of the songs I'm humming and singing constantly.

I miss Mother. It's been two months. It'll be longer.

Why do I miss her? I promised myself not to trust her again. She wants to hurt me. She hurt me. I hate her. I don't care about her well-being. I care. I care a lot. I love her. I'd do anything for her. I want her to love me. I want a mother that loves me. I want to be a child. I hate myself and I want to die.

8:15 p.m.: I'm sad. I'll always be this way. Sad and insane and retarded. I want to get drunk and forget how pathetic I am. I want to stay drunk and high forever. Only drugs make the pain go away. I have nothing to be proud of anymore. I lost everything that made life worth living.

But I have my bunny. I need to stay alive for her because no one else can take care of her. Sometimes I'm scared she hates me. I know she loves me. She's the only one who loves me. But still... She could have a much better caretaker than me. Do you think she thinks of me as a failure? I think she does. I think she thinks I should kill myself. No, she doesn't. She's a bunny that appreciates me and is comfortable with me. At least, I hope that's true. I don't like it when animals are sad. It breaks my heart.

I want to die. I miss my brother. I hate myself. Sorry for killing you.

4:15 p.m.: I'm hearing things again. It's scary. I want it to stop. I want it to go away. I hate being crazy. Why can't I be sane?

1:54 p.m.: I finally finished up the "first part" of the music page. I rushed it, but considering the album I want to gush about is only 10 more days away, right now is a perfect time to do that!!

But right now I want to play Minecraft. The snapshots are making me super happy because I've always preferred the Nether over the Overworld, and now the Nether is so much more fantastic!!! I love the new ambience. It's calming. The Nether feels like home!

15th of March, 2020

8:25 p.m.: I understand most people don't like insects (for some reason that I can't understand). But what the heck is with how people act towards insects as pets!? I don't like dogs, but how would you feel if every time I heard you/someone has a dog, I exclaimed, "Ew! Kill it!" People are disgusting.

4:12 p.m.: I want to do more work on this site today. I'll probably start with the Potato Hate Page because I despise potatoes and I need to get that out. Then I'll try to finish the first part of the music page. That's important because I need to gush about an upcoming album, but I want a "first part" where I talk about my favourite music-related things that don't need timestamps.

14th of March, 2020

3:46 a.m.: I am losing it. This man... he's already gorgeous. But with painted nails? WOW. I wish more men painted their nails, honestly. A lot actually want to, but don't because of how strict gender roles are for men.

12th of March, 2020

8:51 p.m.: After two months, I'm finally back on my meds. Today has been full of hallucinations. It made me decide to start taking them again.

Also, I'm reorganizing this. Newest entries will go on top.

4:07 p.m.: "PragerU" sounds like a yogurt brand. I can't explain why. It just does.

2:11 p.m.: Okay, I lied, because that is not all. Nowadays I try not to focus too much on people's behaviours that annoy me, but this is infuriating and harmful. I'm talking about COVID-19. How people are reacting to it. Like with nearly everything, most people pick one extreme stance on it. For COVID-19, those extremes are: "It's going to be the end of humanity" and "It's no different than the common cold". Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Scientific understanding, educating yourself/seeking facts/verifying information... those are not as common as it should be. But even though I'm not surprised, I cannot understand how people are like this. It's not hard at all to be sensical about issues like this.

The truth is that if you're healthy, you'll probably be fine if you catch COVID-19. It's not going to wipe out humans and end the world as we know it. But that doesn't mean it's not serious. Because the rate at which it spreads, and how dangerous it is to the minority at risk, is a reason to not brush it off as "just like the common cold". So, even if you're healthy and will probably be alright, you easily put others at risk. And also it's just not fun to be sick, lethal or not. The situation is constantly updating, though, so that's something to keep in mind as well.

I wish the general population understood that. Fear-mongering and acting like it's nothing are equally harmful. If anyone is reading this that believes one of those extremes, I'd like to give some advice... 1. Stop immediately believing whatever anyone tells you. 2. Fact-check everything. Do your own research. 3. If you're reading factual/scientific reports and there's words you don't quite understand, search up what they mean in the context used. Scientific vocabulary uses some words a lot differently than regular usage, and that can lead to misunderstandings. 4. Let go of your instinctual craving for sensationalism and also work on overcoming your negativity bias. 5. Most importantly, stop spreading misinformation.. Don't go around acting like you know everything about COVID-19 because some stranger on the internet said something.

And that goes for what I've said here, too. Go do your own research. I could be wrong (or lying). COVID-19 might have a 99.9% fatality rate. Don't just believe anything, even from people who are telling you to "not just believe anything". You were blessed with a brain and the ability to think critically. Use it. Don't blindly trust.

1:41 p.m.: This man is charming. I enjoy staring at him and listening to his thoughts. That's all.

9:38 a.m.: On the site preview, the images on /index aren't working. To me, though, when I visit my site, the images are fine... So I don't know if they're actually not showing up for everyone else or if it's just a bug.