🗝️ 10:55 p.m.: Oh, there's nothing cuter than when you leave your bunny alone downstairs for just a minute, and when you come back, she immediately starts binkying and runs over to you to cuddle!! Gosh, bunnies are so adorable. I love them. They make me happy.
🗝️ 7:47 p.m.: I need to stop posting about that. It's going to get me into trouble.
🗝️ 5:19 p.m.: It happened again. Collapsing and just laying on the floor for half an hour unable to even sit up because my body is too weak before vomiting a bunch of times. My lips also go completely white when this happens. I don't know why this happens. It's random. No one takes me seriously, Mother or the doctors, so I can't get help for it. I'm freezing.
Today is Mother's birthday. I wished her a happy birthday over text. That's all I can do. I don't want to bother her by telling her it happened again, so I'm not going to.
🗝️ 7:04 p.m.: Nevermind. I found out what's wrong. I miss A. This place reminds me of him.
Now that I know what it is, I don't want to think about it. So, I'll just complain about something trivial. Let's go with my hair.
I can't wait until this pandemic is over. I really need a haircut. It's gotten so long that I wear it in a little ponytail because it bothers my sensory issues. And I have to part my bangs in the centre now because it's too long to see if I part it how I always do. I mean, it's not a big deal obviously, I can live with it. I'm just complaining to keep my mind off A. But that's not going well if I brought him up again. And there too. Wow, I'm an idiot. Okay.
🗝️ 6:41 p.m.: My usual distractions aren't working today, and what I'm trying to distract myself from is a strange feeling. I'd say I feel empty, but not quite, as it feels bad. When you're numb, you don't feel bad. But the bad feeling I have today isn't sharp. I don't know how to explain anything. Trying to describe this emotion is difficult. Maybe I am feeling sad over something that my brain doesn't want me to think of. That happens sometimes, so I just stop distracting myself and then I figure out what's wrong. I'm trying to do that now (paying attention to my feelings), but nothing has changed. I can't cry, which is odd for me. I know I'd feel much better if I cried and let things out, but that's impossible if I don't know what to let out.
I want to go lay in the cemetery. I can't right now, though. There's not a cemetery by Mère et Père's that I can walk to.
Wait, maybe that's why I don't feel good. Maybe the dead need something from me? Maybe a headstone needs cleaning or new flowers. Or maybe they just want to talk. Hm. Well, they'll have to wait a bit.
🗝️ 4:04 p.m.: For God's sake, I spawned in a Roofed Forest. That's probably the worst place to spawn on Hardcore.
🗝️ 3:54 p.m.: I'm bored with my new/2020 Minecraft world because I'm still waiting for 1.16 to go to the Nether, so I decided I'll try out Hardcore mode. Even though I've been playing Minecraft for years now, I've never played Hardcore before. I'm probably going to die very quickly, but I think it'll be fun! I'm curious as to how long I can last.
🗝️ 9:04 p.m.: I'm on seven different medications right now and having to keep track of them all is driving me absolutely insane.
🗝️ 7:55 p.m.: Eh, I forgot to bring my music equipment. Whatever, though, it's fine. I'll just spend more time studying.
🗝️ 7:15 p.m.: It's hard to change for the better. I know I will never be a good person, but I will try my best to improve myself in the minor ways I can. One thing I've been working on is to stop unnecessarily apologizing. Instead, I'm trying to thank others. For example, instead of saying, "Sorry for being late," it's better to say, "Thank you for waiting for me." It makes others feel better than if you were to apologize for something so trivial/make them feel like they have to stop you from feeling sorry. I'm also trying to remind myself that being rude doesn't make others change their opinions. If you want someone to consider your point of view, you have to understand why they feel the way they do and be patient. I've known that for the longest time, and I've been trying to work on it, but I still let my anger issues get in the way. I'm a very impatient person. I used to be extremely rude to anyone that didn't agree with me. All that does is make people disagree with you more and ruin any chance of them ever listening to what you have to say. Often, it just strengthens their beliefs and makes them sink further into their radical ideology... It encourages the Us-vs-Them mentality. And, related to that, I'm trying harder to ignore things that irritate me if it doesn't matter greatly. Not everyone with a different opinion is worth debating with. It should only matter if it's someone close to me or if the person is harming someone because of their opinions. That is something I've improved on over the past few months, but not enough. I keep slipping up every now and then, and I hate it. I need to stop completely.
Struggling with low empathy makes it very hard. I will try to always remember that even though I can not bring myself to care about someone's feelings most of the time, that they still have feelings. Doesn't matter any if I can't empathize with them. There's no excuse. When I wrote above that I have to understand why a person feels the way they do, I will have to do that in my own way because of my low empathy. I'll have to think of what makes me feel bad and use that. Of course, that's not perfect, because no one can ever truly understand another person as we all have different brains (especially when you're talking about an autistic schizophrenic, my brain is highly "abnormal"). But it's better than nothing, yes? Yes.
I don't want to be like my father or my sister. I hate how much I remind myself of my father.
🗝️ 4:05 p.m.: I'm at Mère et Père's now!! I feel better. I'm high, as always. Going to just lay here for a bit and then I'll go outside to smoke on my favourite little bridge and listen to music :-)
🗝️ 4:12 a.m.: I accidentally deleted the music player again. I'll add it back later... I'm exhausted, but I'm not allowed to sleep.
🗝️ 1:47 a.m.: As always when I change this site, I'm not going through all of these entries to style them the "new" way. I only did it for today and the 21st.
This design is a lot uglier, but it's more useful, which is what matters. The middle column is wider, and since this site is text-heavy, it should've been wider in the first place.
The header is Dominic Savio. He's one of my biggest inspirations to be a better person, so I thought it'd be nice to have that reminder here since I come here to vent and find comfort in my negative traits. Obviously, I will still vent here and continue to be an unpleasant person, but I think it will help some.
I am visiting Mère et Père tomorrow! Excited.
🗝️ 12:11 a.m.: The new design I'm working on... when I look at it, I smell old books. Probably because that's what I'm trying to go for. But I mean, I actually smell old books like I have one of my books open in front of my face.
🗝️ 9:59 p.m.: I can't figure out how to get a button that brings you back to the top of the page when you start scrolling down. I think I'll just have to stick with the text/link on the very bottom, but that's not convenient since you have to scroll all the way down to get to it. This is annoying. I'm trash at coding. All I do is type random things until things start to look somewhat OK on my screen and call it a day.
🗝️ 8:41 p.m.: All I've wanted to do today is make more lists, but Listography has been down all day. So, to deal with my boredom, I decided to waste time coming up with a different design for this. I might change it later.
🗝️ 10:01 a.m.: I'm aware this is silly and considered idiotic semantics by many, but I hate saying I "own" a bunny. I don't care if other people say that, but it's hard for me to say that. I feel uncomfortable claiming that. I prefer to say I befriended a bunny instead.
And, honestly, if someone were to own anyone here, it's my bunny that would own me. Every day, I am bullied by this creature under 1kg. She has eaten off all my toes in my sleep and my fingers are next. This is a cry for help. (I'm not being serious.)
🗝️ 9:29 a.m.: I woke up a few minutes ago. I'm freezing and my hands are bad again. All healing progress is gone because they're bleeding again. I hate this disease.
🗝️ 2:04 a.m.: I take every excuse I get to gush about men... Every second of every day, my heart is BURSTING with LOVE for MEN, and all I want to do is SCREAM about how INCREDIBLE MEN ARE and how much I LOVE them. And I do not feel bad. I love loving men. If I were supposed to feel bad about loving men, why would God make men so perfect? Of course God knew that men are going to fall in love with each other... God intended it to be that way... I love men and I want nothing more than for all men to succeed and be happy and love themselves just as much as I love them. I'm really high and I'm just thinking about MEN and I needed to write this. Wow, men are incredible. Love men.
🗝️ 12:25 a.m.: THE BOOK IS FINALLY HERE!!
🗝️ 10:56 p.m.: Tattoos are the only thing that can stop me from cutting. So, I have to get every inch of my skin tattooed.
🗝️ 8:43 p.m.: I AM GOING TO VISIT MÈRE ET PÈRE!! Lucius is very happy! Lucius just got done hopping and flapping his hands! I can stay there for as long as I want!!!!! Lucius is so happy, he started crying!
But Lucius wishes he was with Mother more than anyone else.
I miss her so much and I wish I could be there with her on her birthday.
I don't want to be sad again! I can't think about this, or else I get sad. Um. I leave either tomorrow or overmorrow!
I can't wait to drink all their alcohol
Speaking of alcohol, I hate coffee because it is bitter, but I love whisky??? It's my favourite. I don't understand how my brain works.
🗝️ 5:19 p.m.: Before Mother left this time (she has been gone before, but came back for a bit and then left again in... December, I think?), she tried to get me to come with her. She wants to live there. She was trying to convince me to go with her because she wants me to see how it is there, and live there with her. We had a conversation about it that opened my eyes a bit. She explained how she was happy there, and that my father is doing better there (that's not true, though). And that she wants me to go with her. Not my sister. Me, Lucius. She expressed how she thinks I will get better and be happier if I lived there with her because of how different it is there. She said everything there is beautiful. The wildlife, scenery, and the people. It touched me, so I told her I would go there for a few months with her to see if I like it. She bought tickets for the both of us. But when the time came, I refused to go. And she tried to put me back in the psychiatric ward (unsuccessfully, the hospital staff decided I didn't have to be there) when I absent-mindedly let it slip that I was going to die before I'm 18. She was so sad and cried a lot. But I still refused. And so she wasted money on me since she couldn't return the ticket. She left on her own. And she doesn't trust me, so that's why my sister and C are monitoring me.
I feel very bad about it.
I wish I went with her.
The only thing that makes me hesitate still is my father. If it wasn't for my father, I would happily live there with her. I don't want to see him. I never want to see him again. He hasn't been in my life for around a year now, I think? Because he's been over there. Even when Mother came back home, my father stayed there. And it was really nice to be alone with Mother. I got to spend time with her like I never got to before.
She says he has gotten better, but I know that's not true. Because one time when I called her, she was sobbing. And I found out my father has been cheating on her. They don't know that I know, she's trying to keep it a secret from me. But I know anyway. And I know that's not something Mother would put up with, I know she'd snap and draw the line there. If she was able to. But they're still together, so... that makes me think it's only gotten worse.
And she said many times before, back when he was still around here, that he was better. Therapy and drugs helped him. Such an obvious lie. I could still hear him screaming at her from my room often. I could still hear her crying from my room often. I still walked in on her sobbing often. The only thing that got better at all was how he treated me. Because I didn't have to deal with him as often since he started spending most of his time laying in his bed stoned. Or he would be out by himself doing only God knows what when he wasn't laying there stoned. So that doesn't help me believe her when she says he as "actually gotten better this time".
But sadly, he will come back in my life soon, whether I go there or not. Because Mother said when she's coming back home once the COVID-19 stuff is over, my father is coming with her. He'll only be here for a few months, she said, but that still frightens me. I don't want to see him for even a second!
I feel terrible for being angry at her that she didn't divorce him. I know how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship, yet I am still angry about it. I am angry that I had to grow up scared and sad and lonely because of their dysfunctional marriage. When I was younger, I always tried to help Mother. 5-year-old Lucius tried to stand up to his father when he hurt Mother. But then Mother would take her anger out at me, and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what I did wrong by trying to help her. I still don't. So I had to stop trying to help her because I became scared of her, but I still feel tremendous guilt of not helping her. And when I was 14, I decided to try and start helping her again. And then my father got a lot worse and threatened to kill me and my sister encouraged my father/joined in with threatening me. And Mother didn't seem to care at all. And so then I moved on to trying to help Mother in private. I started to talk to her about how she didn't deserve this and that he's abusing her. Eventually, she realized that she was being abused, and she told me that if he didn't get better, she was going to get a divorce. I was so happy. I can't describe how happy I was. I knew he would never change, which made me happy, because I did not want him around even if he did magically get better because of how much damage he did. Maybe that was a little messed up on my end to hope for that outcome instead of the magical fairytale one. But it doesn't matter. Because he never got better and she never got a divorce.
And that makes me so angry. Why did Mother make me go through all of that? I know I shouldn't make it about me, but I can't help it. I am selfish and only think of myself.
I have prayed every day that my father will just die already. I am still praying for that. When he dies, maybe I can be happy. Maybe I can fix my relationship with Mother. But I can't as long as he is still in our lives.
Mother told me she was lonely yesterday.
Her birthday is in four days. I can't do anything for it.
I feel like shit.
I wish I didn't have to deal with any of this. Life is a chore. I'm so fucking tired of venting on this stupid site because nothing ever gets better. All I want is for this to stop. I want to stop feeling like shit every goddamn second. No therapy or hospitalizations or medications help. I can get high and drunk but that's always short-lived. And once I'm sober, things are worse. Because drugs just cover the pain for a bit they don't fix anything. Instead, they'll destroy your body and brain even more. I have brain damage. I have chronic pain/physical damage. Worsens my schizophrenia and autism. Because of all the drugs. And I keep doing them anyway because even though I know they hurt me more in the end the few hours of numbness is worth it when nothing else helps at all. Nothing besides drugs make me happy anymore. And nowadays drugs aren't even a fool-proof way for me to be happy. Because often now I'll get fucked up expecting to have a break from the pain but it doesn't work and the drugs just amplify the pain so I'm feeling much worse than before when I was sober.
I've actually become embarrassed from this site, too. Because when I made it, I didn't know Neocities was a social media. I didn't know the there was a "social" part. And now I see views on this and I feel embarrassed and paranoid. I wanted a place to write my thoughts but not have 8000+ people see it. Maybe just one or two people who randomly stumble upon it so it's not completely screaming into the void, but not so many people. I don't know what to do about it. I hate being fake, so I hate being embarrassed. Why does it matter??? None of these people know me anyway. I want to not care and ignore it and continue using this site.
🗝️ 5:15 p.m.: Mother has problems with her memory. She'll probably forget about me soon. She won't know who I am.
Maybe that's for the best.
Still hurts to think about, though.
🗝️ 2:31 p.m.: I did end up falling asleep eventually. And my power is back, so I'm posting what I wrote last night with this.
I put my collar on Mimikyu! Now he's fashionable.
But it's too big, sadly, so he will not wear it forever. It was still cute, though! Pierce his "ears" and make him Extra Cool. (I won't do that, though, because that's Mimikyu abuse.)
🗝️ 2:28 a.m.: My power went out, so I'm writing this to post later.
When my power went out, I decided to sleep since I have nothing else to do. I can't sleep, though. I've been laying here, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how sad I feel.
I hate being this way. Sad. I wish I could be helped. Though I understand after years of mental health workers trying to help me that it's not possible. There's too much wrong in my life. And even if those problems in my life were to magically be fixed, there's still a lot wrong with me. Everything about me is wrong, if I'm being honest. And I can't change no matter what.
I usually feel hopeless, but there are times when I do have some hope. I hate when I have hope because hope is pain. Hope is irrational. Hope will sometimes make me decide to not end it when I have the chance because maybe things can get better. But it never does. The hope quickly leaves and I am regretful of not killing myself when I could've. Hope serves no purpose for me other than to keep me here longer, just so I can suffer more. Hope is Hell.
I can't remember where I heard this, but it always stuck with me. It was a description of Hell. They said that Hell is not hopeless. Rather, Hell relies on hope. Not a lot of hope, though, just a speck of it. Just enough so that whatever bad thing happens next still hurts. If you were truly hopeless, you'd become numb to the pain, as you have no other option but to accept it, and therefore the punishment loses its impact. I have to agree with that.
I feel lonely. I don't like admitting that. I never have. It's probably one of the hardest things for me to admit. I prefer to lie to myself, pretend that I don't need a friend. It's not because I am afraid of being weak. Obviously not! I am open about being weak. It's hard for me to admit because I am afraid of trying to find a solution to my loneliness. I'm afraid that if I acknowledge I am lonely, I will try to make a friend. That has happened in the past, and each and every time, I hurt them. I hurt whoever I get close to. I hate that no matter how I say that, it always sounds like I'm being "edgy" and not real. It's the stockphrase of a million 12-year-olds fetishizing mental illness and trying to seem cool because they watch too much anime. But it's true, sadly. It's never my intention to hurt the people I love, but I do it anyway, so it doesn't matter.
I go on about how much I hate abusers, but I am one. An emotional abuser. I am so obsessive and possessive. I'm a stalker. I get angry when a friend talks to or interacts with anyone else, even if it's just a family member of theirs. I throw a temper tantrum and threaten to kill myself (when I threatened suicide, I was always serious about doing it/had plans, but it's still wrong to dump that on someone and purposely make them feel guilty for it) so they focus all their attention on me instead. I want to be with them constantly. I drain them of all their energy and take away all their freedom. I make them feel obligated to take care of and baby me. I only ever think about what makes me feel a bit better in the moment and never about how they feel.
In my perfect world, I'd have a friend that only pays attention to me because they WANT to, not because they feel forced to. Only does things for me. Takes care of me. Priortizes me over everything else, including themselves. Never leaves my side. Not just figuratively, but literally. They'd stalk me just like I stalk them. Or, even better, they wouldn't allow me to leave them, just like I wouldn't allow them to leave me.
But that's not possible. There exists no human like that. I feel extremely guilty for wanting that. And what I wrote is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a lot worse I dream of. A lot more unrealistic, especially physically. For example, I'd want to cut us both in half and stitch us together to make us one person. That's so unrealistic and creepy. I'm creepy. I'm just a creepy obsessive stalker.
And so, I decided after my ex left me, that I won't ever have a friend again. After 17 years of this, I finally decided to put others before me in some way. So far, I have kept up with this promise. But I'm terrified one day I'll break it and reach out to someone, and the same bad things will happen. Everyone needs attention and at least one friend. I will forever have the urge to reach out to someone and try to befriend them, even though I know how selfish and wrong it is of me. I don't want to hurt anyone I love anymore. I'm a monster. I hate myself.
There's someone I've wanted to reach out to a lot the past month or two. They're not doing well. I want to help them. But I know that even though I have good intentions now, after a while, I'll go back to being a selfish monster and just make everything worse for him. So, not taking that chance. But I still feel so guilty. He's so alone and is exactly like A. It hurts a lot to know there's nothing I can do. I pray someone else, someone better than me and won't end up hurting him, reaches out to him before he does something bad to himself.
I'm going to try to sleep now.
🗝️ 9:42 p.m.: I remember the night Mother opened up to me and told me she was raped. I think that might've been one of the worst nights of my life. I've always believed (knew) sexual abuse was the worst thing a human can experience, so. It bothered me a lot to find that out. I'm so angry at the world. The world's so cruel.
It bothered me so much that I remembered it, even though I was fucked up on alcohol and opioids and benzos. The rest of it, I was blacked out, I can't remember any of it. But I remember her telling me she was raped because of how upset I was at life and the world and God for letting that happen. A part of me wishes I was never told that so I didn't have to know. But also a part of me is glad she let me know, because now I understand her a bit better, even if only a tiny bit. But fuck, I wish she never told me that because it never happened more than either of those two.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I am the product of the rape. I don't know, though. She never told me when it happened or who did it. She kept it vague, which I'm glad. I don't need to know when or by who, that's none of my business. But also I hate considering that I'm the product of it. If I ever find out for certain that I am, I will kill myself on the spot. I could not handle that.
🗝️ 9:30 p.m.: I wish Mother was happy. I wish she didn't have Depression. I wish she wasn't raped. I wish she didn't have an abusive husband and daughter. I wish she didn't have a good-for-nothing, pathetic, disabled loser as a son.
Wishing is so stupid. It doesn't do anything. I wish I would stop wishing. God, that's the most idiotic sentence I think I've written on all of this site.
It just hurts a lot to know she's not happy. She's never been happy for as long as I've known her, as long as I've been alive. I don't know if she was happy before I was born. It's strange to think about just how little I know of Mother. She's a mystery to me. I wish I knew more.
🗝️ 8:42 p.m.: I can't even hide behind a defence of making others happy to justify my life. Because I do not make anyone happy. No one loves me. No one gets any sort of joy or happy feeling from my existence.
🗝️ 8:20 p.m.: I feel guilty constantly. I hate myself so much. I hate being this good-for-nothing disabled loser. All I do is stress people out, especially Mother, the only person still here that I care about. I hate thinking of how I ruined her life, but my brain makes me think of it all the time. And that's good. It's what I deserve, to feel terrible. But obviously I do not want to feel terrible, that's part of my terribleness, to be hesitant to punishment. And it extends past Mother, too. It extends to society and the whole world. There really is nothing redeeming about me. I am defective. How the fuck am I supposed to cope when I am not giving back anything, in any way, to anyone? All I do is take. And for something that's not good enough. I shouldn't be given anything, I cannot change. Everything I'm ever given should be given to people who can actually change, who can one day become productive humans. Not me. I just exist to waste shit.
🗝️ 7:40 p.m.: I want Mother to come back home already. I am stressed. I've recently started telling her about what they are doing, and Mother agrees that it's not OK and they need to stop. So, she messages and calls them telling them to actually help me, but they refuse to. And there's nothing else Mother can do about it because she's stuck in another country until all the COVID-19 stuff is over.
I feel terrible about telling Mother what's happening. That's why it has took so long for me to tell her about that. She said that I shouldn't feel bad about it and I am not being bad or complaining by letting her know. I still feel bad often, but she told/reminded me of something that gives me the courage to tell her. And that is that C is only allowed to live here temporarily if he is being good. Because he is not family. He's just my sister's boyfriend. Mother is under no obligation to help him out. She actually dislikes him but has only allowed him to stay here to help my sister take care of me and under strict obligations. And they aren't doing any of that. They're wasting Mother's money and resources. And, I mean, I am too, and I feel terrible about that, as I vent about it constantly. But... Add on top of how stressful I am for Mother, two grown adults taking advantage of my sister's connection to Mother and wasting Mother's money while not taking care of me and other rules she set out for them... Okay, that makes me VERY angry and is what helps me to tell Mother about it.
I just wish something could actually be done. Mother can't do any more than call or text telling them to smarten up. I can't do anything at all. I'm too terrified of them. I can't even ask them to buy me food. I have to text Mother and ask her to tell them to buy food for me because I'm scared of them
and 99% of the time, they don't even listen to Mother and buy me food. I am terrified because, what am I to do if they get angry at me? C hasn't physically hurt me (yet), but my sister did every day growing up, so... I imagine C would have no complaints if he's dating the genuine psychopath that is my sister. And also since C is clearly a terrible person that calls people racial slurs and threatens people all the time, I think I have a pretty rational fear that one day he'll hatecrime me for being LGBT or something.
Oh, to add on to how much I hate them... They are both unemployed despite being COMPLETELY ABLE TO WORK. Unlike me, they are not disabled. They just choose not to anymore. They stopped working after Mother left and realized they can use all the money Mother sends them to take care of me for their own wants. I can't wait until Mother gets back and they have no money to steal anymore. I hate anyone that disrespects Mother
and that includes me, obviously, I may complain about people mistreating her but I am a terrible son myself. I sincerely hope that if Hell exists, that is where they are going.
And related to all this, I just texted Mother, about to tell her it's still happening. But when I asked how she's doing, she said she doesn't feel the best, so... I'm not going to tell her today. Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to make her feel any worse. I love her. I'll just put up with it.
🗝️ 3:21 p.m.: I mean, people can believe whatever they want. But that also means that I'm allowed to believe that they are disgusting rotters that take advantage of people's fear of the uncertainty of the future and scam them continually as they keep coming back in desperation instead of recommending they go to therapy and learn healthy ways to cope.
🗝️ 3:14 p.m.: Can't believe there's people who say, "I believe (insert person) will die one day," and then think they can see the future in 4K Ultra HD.
🗝️ 2:11 p.m.: The Reverend Carol Stone was super cool and I wish she was more well-known because I think her story is important for LGBT people drawn to religion but are terrified there's no place for them to be accepted.
🗝️ 6:05 p.m.: I don't like to talk about suicide plans in case they don't follow through and/or someone reports it to my family/mental health team/police. But I am so stressed of keeping this locked inside this stupid head of mine, so I'm going to be honest and say that for the past month I've been looking for a nice abandoned church to kill myself in. I never cared about where I killed myself in the past, obviously, with the previous attempts, but since I have at least a couple months left, I might as well take the time to find a nice spot.
There is an abandoned church I remember that I would love to die in, but I don't remember where it is. I think it might be hours away, anyway, so... It's probably not an option. I have to look for other ones.
It doesn't need to be deep in the forest, but it has to be hidden by some trees.
There's really no reason to not do it. Not only would I not have a future/good life if I lived, but I would die probably in the next few months even without killing myself. All the years of drug addiction and starving myself is catching up to me. And on top of that, I have died under 18 years old in all my past lives and I think there's a reason for that. The reason being a dead person/ghost cannot live in a human body for long. My organs are rotting inside me.
I think I will be forced back on this planet again. I have not changed. I have not made up for my sins. God still hates me, and so He will punish me again by dropping me back off to this miserable world. And it scares me, to think that I will come back. But I am so tired and so desperate at this point, that I will cling to the hope I will die for real this time.
I'm still going to be here for a while, though. There'll be plenty of more incoherent ramblings added to this page until then for anyone that stumbles upon this to laugh at.
🗝️ 5:49 p.m.: I deleted Crybaby/vent page because there's no point to it. I vent here. It was just taking up space.
🗝️ 5:43 p.m.: Face tattoos are still art, just like any other tattoo. The placement doesn't change that. People are so gross. If you don't like someone's body mods, that's fine, people are allowed to have their tastes. But it's none of your business and not your place to comment. People don't exist to be attractive to you. Get the fuck over yourself.
🗝️ 2:48 p.m.: Yay!! I'm finally able to get into the art of throwing knives. Maybe a circus will hire me and I'll actually have a future (where I get to throw knives at real human beings and not go to jail)!
But seriously, I've always been interested in it. I love knives. I used to collect pocket knives until they took them all away from me for being crazy. But they're letting me collect knives again, so!!! I will take this opportunity to take up a hobby I've wanted to have since I was young.
🗝️ 2:22 p.m.: I'm feeling a lot better now. I haven't laughed this hard in years.
🗝️ 10:55 a.m.: I'm experiencing a lot of different intense emotions right now. I decided to delete my old email, but first I wanted to check through everything to see if there's anything important I should save. And I'm so glad I did. I found a bunch of messages with him. I thought those messages and all the art of his I had were lost, and, well, most of them are, but there's some in my emails. And I'm just reading it all and sobbing. The only messages in my emails are all from him, I can't see what I replied with. I'm going to write down the most meaningful ones to me here, just to be extra safe (I will screenshot everything, but in case my computer unexpectedly breaks, I want to be able to visit this site and remember).
"you are wanted you are loved we all care about you please talk to me if you want. i'm always here for you and i'll get back as soon as i can ♥"
" trust me bro i really don't mind being your road to walk on i'm totally okay with this i wouldn't be offering if i didn't mean it. i really care about you man i truly don't mind."
"I know it's hard to see when she treats you so poorly but it's in her.. somewhere.. my mom put money before my safety.. she didnt care if i ended my life at one point but i know she loves me.. just hard to see sometimes"
"I'm so sorry.. You are absolutely not a horrible person you are fucking awesome dude for real. some people are just so lost in their own mind they cant realize how much theyre hurting someone.."
" i'm ALWAYS here for you!"
":D im glad ♥ love u like a brother man"
"oooh i didnt see that message ^^^ You Too!!!! kevin said that im really draining and he said "i dont hate anyone, but yes you were very draining at times, that doesnt mean i dont like you though." and apparently according to him "imma be straight up max said she never liked you since you guys met" and like bro that shit hurts im like so pissed like why would they say all the shit they did to make me feel wanted n shit like wotttttttttttttt (im high sorry! love u) just wanted to update u on the situation bc i feel i dont have anyone else to vent to ;-;"
"Thank you so much.. I'm okay.. I took 4 bottles of pills but I threw up shortly after.. I feel like complete shit but I'm here so whatever"
"It's not ur fault I'm just really in a strange mental space.. like I've come to terms with death and I'm okay with not being here anymore.. I felt like I was finally not gonna have to deal with reality and then I just throw up violently foe like an hour so like wtf"
"I get what ur saying I just feel like no one actually wants me ;-;"
I wanted you
"I'm sorry for making you worry.. I really thought I wasn't gonna be here and just wanted to be honest with everyone :("
"gimme discord link!!!!!!!! i love u!! ♥"
"if u die im killing myself"
You did it anyway and I'm still here
i luv u... more than french toast!
This one always stuck with me because of how silly it was. He randomly said this in response to me talking about how much I love French Toast.
There's so much more. More messages that I'll never read again because they're lost forever, as well as all the things he spoke to me. All the nights we spent together doing dangerous things but having fun and all the other memories. And my memory is so bad, that I have an extremely hard time remembering any of it, even though I love him so much. So finding messages, that is comforting, because I know that even if I completely lose all the memories I have of him, I can still read the messages and remember that much at least. Maybe later I will write down as many memories as I can remember, so that way I can come back and read it so I make sure to never forget any that's left.
He promised me we were going to live together in a shitty bus and do drugs constantly and not worry about anything and we could be free from our parents. That gave me motivation to keep living. He's gone, though, and I'm all alone. And it's all my fault. Imagine being the reason the person you love the most jumped in front of a fucking train and died one of the worst deaths possible. That's why I hate myself so fucking much.
Fuck life. There's nothing good about it now that he's gone. He was the only beautiful thing in this world full of ugly cruelty. I'll never forgive myself. And neither will his family or friends, so... I have no connection to any of them anymore because they all despise me. That's why I don't have anything to remember him by besides my unreliable memory and those few messages I found. And also why I didn't get to go to his funeral. At least I'm getting what I deserve.
It bothers me greatly knowing that I won't change even after all of that. I will forever be a burden, and if I ever get close to someone again, the same thing will happen. I am so burdensome that I make people kill themselves to escape me.
I can't talk to anyone about it because that is what makes me a burden. Dumping all my emotional baggage on people. It's too heavy for anyone to bear and I just wear them down with my unlovable, selfish personality. I always hurt people that matter to me and it doesn't matter that I don't want to because I do it anyway. Because getting short-lived attention and sympathy and understanding from them is more important than the people I allegedly care about. Always repeating the same mistakes because I never learn.
I'm so drained after writing this.
I'm going to go get drunk or high or both I don't know. I just need some distraction. Make it go away for a little bit.
🗝️ 9:55 a.m.: What the heck was wrong with me when I was younger? How did I ever enjoy this? I had such terrible taste.
🗝️ 7:43 a.m.: I am exhausted. I want to sleep, but I am not allowed. Sleep is not something Lucius deserves.
I am allowing myself to eat, but I can't bring myself to. Thinking of eating right now, it makes me feel excrutiatingly guilty because it is not something I deserve, even though I say, "It is fine now to eat if you'd like." (Because if I am to make now the chosen sleeplessness(?), it is OK to eat some, and then I resume not eating once I let myself sleep.) So guilty Lucius feels. It makes me cry and want to cut and flog myself to make up for the thought of eating.
I need to be pure, that is most important. I don't want to be filthy. Why can't I be innocent? Who am I asking, it is all my fault, anyway. I feel very sick. I know now I should at least drink some water, but I can't do that either. Not only do I feel guilty if I did that, but my throat tightens(?) when I think of drinking water. The taste right now is something that's disgusting to the point I cannot handle it. Maybe I will just brew some tea instead.
I need to take the medication, too, but the medication is supposed to be taken with lots of water. He thinks he will just skip it for now, until he's able to drink water.
I will go play Minecraft or work on my Listography for now. Maybe in a bit I will feel better.
🗝️ 3:47 a.m.: I cannot believe this man is 31 years old!? He looks 23 at most. What's his secret?????
🗝️ 2:35 a.m.: I think my obsession with priests is starting to get a bit too much because every day I try to think of ways to get a priest to fall in love with me despite the obvious problems of celibacy and age difference (and it being gay). I've completely abandoned Younger Lucius' unhealthy habit of getting involved with older women because of mommy issues and instead replaced it with priests.
But anyway, listening to a priest gush about his favourite music is probably the purest and most joyful thing I've ever experienced. My heart is melting. All I want to do is cherish him. And stalk him. And make him fall in love with me.
I won't, though. I know my place.
🗝️ 11:05 p.m.: Minecraft should add puffins. Why have parrots but not sea parrots?? I will not rest until I have puffins in my Minecraft world.
🗝️ 10:34 p.m.: The only thing that's new about 'New' Atheists is how much pride they take in being abusive, religiously illiterate, hypocritical bigots. They give normal atheists a terrible name. I really hate anyone that prides themselves on being religiously illiterate, though, and it's not just limited to New Atheists. Plenty of religious people are religiously illiterate, even on their own religion. It blows my mind. I understand that not everyone is a religious studies nerd, and that there are so many religions out there it's impossible to know everything, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't understand the very basics of religion in general or take pride in not knowing/being rude. Also, it's absolutely idiotic that public schools will force kids, including disabled kids that CAN'T understand, to learn about complex topics that they will never ever use in their entire life, but refuse to have religious studies classes that will make the world a slightly better place if more people learnt about it. For God's sake, there's no excuse. Religious studies isn't theology. You wouldn't be forcing kids into a religion. You would be teaching them the importance of religion in people's personal lives and how it affects the world on a larger scale, as well as how to not be a piece of shit for no reason. Because religious illiteracy leads to racism/xenophobia, ableism, war, suppression of free speech and religious freedom, and pretty much every bigoted thing in existence. Understanding religion is important.
And understanding religion doesn't mean blindly accepting/agreeing with everything about a religion and never criticizing it/allowing human rights violation to run rampant. A lot of people don't seem to understand that part either.
🗝️ 9:27 p.m.: Mother was not angry at me at all! She video-called(?) me and showed me Coco playing around. Coco is adorable, but apparently she might have cancer, and I might not be able to meet her. Coco is going to see the vet tomorrow. I hope I get to meet Coco, but if I don't, it's OK. Because Coco will get to spend the last of her days happy with Mother taking care of her. If Mother never rescued her, Coco would've spent the last of her life all alone and sad and suffering. Coco now likes the kittens Mother is fostering, but she thinks she's small like the kittens! She doesn't understand how rough she is with them! It's really cute, but sometimes she plays way too rough for the little kittens. But she's having a lot of fun and being very energetic. I am glad Coco is happy.
Mother also showed me a video of her feeding a bunch of iguanas!!! She was throwing plantains to them, and new iguanas would just continue crawling down trees to go eat the plantains. AND SOME OF THEM WERE ABSOLUTELY GIGANTIC!!! It was incredible!!! I didn't know iguanas could be that big. We don't have iguanas here. We don't have a lot of things here. But we do have Atlantic puffins, and that makes up for all we lack!
Crap, I love puffins... I wish you could have a puffin as a pet. I mean, not as in I wish it was legal, but I wish it wasn't bad for puffins. I wish it'd benefit them. But it doesn't, so I will just admire them as a stranger.
🗝️ 5:42 p.m.: I might be able to visit Mère et Père!! I WANT TO VISIT THEM SO BADLY! AND I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER AND C!! But I do not know for certain if I can visit yet. I am worried with COVID-19. I do not have it, I think is safe to say considering I rarely leave my house, but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to take any chances of getting them sick. I'd feel terrible if I got them sick.
Things if I visit:
It is a very nice place in general. I wish I was raised by Mère et Père instead. I feel like if they raised me, I would be much happier and in better condition both physically and mentally. I also would be able to speak the language like I should be able to, which is admittedly a stupid insecurity of mine.
It always surprises me how, despite being Christian grand-parents, they are the most open-minded people in my entire family. They break the stereotypes. They do not mind my body mods or my mental illnesses or my autism or that I'm LGBT. They are so sweet. PURE. The perfect example of how Christians should be! Full of love!
🗝️ 4:57 p.m.: I am grateful my sister did not find it suspicious when I asked for 9 metres of rope. I do not want to be asked what I need it for because, what am I supposed to answer with? "I need it to make a scourge and flog myself daily because I am a sinner." They will instantly lock me back up in the loony bin and they will emotionally hurt me again and make it so that I am once again empty, with no opinions or beliefs of my own, no meaning and no spirituality or religion, because everything I have an opinion on is just the schizophrenia. I have no personality or individuality, all I am is schizophrenia.
🗝️ 3:16 p.m.: I finished it. The first part was going well, I was doing it exactly how I was supposed to. But when it got to the knots on the handle, I struggled and decided to just do whatever works. So, it looks terrible, but it functions. I imagine it doesn't function as well as how it's supposed to, but this is fine for now. This one is temporary. I tested it out.
🗝️ 3:42 a.m.: Three hours? Three hours? How has it been three hours? My hands, they are so very torn up. They are largely numband unable to move them but there's a very faint but very painful sting in my fingertips despite the numbess. It hurts a lot but I'm fine. I didn't notice anything that was happening. There's no way it's been three hours, it's only been a minute..
Ow, it really really hurts. I've noticed that for some reason there's strange patterns that form in my skin . My arm hurts. I think there's someone outside my window. So I'm just going to go to sleep now because the tried and true method of escaping the monsters who hurt me in my sleep is to hide under the blanket entirely. You have to keep your head under the blanket, and you have to tuck the blanket in right under you so they can't peek under and the blanket doesn't rise up any to allow them to see me because they will notice even the tiniest visuals. You also can't move because they will notice you and you need to breathe extremely quietly. So. I should go do that before bad things happen. Meth head correction. I love you
Does any of this make any sense? I'm not really thinking right now, I'm just writing what this thing is telling me to write right now. I don't have the time or brain power to think about any of it. I hate that I have to do so many formatting things on entries I just want to write my thoughts and that's it maybe I should just start using tumblr blog as my journal again. Okay I'm done. I
🗝️ 11:43 p.m.: I feel, so bad, and so guilty. I'm a terrible son. I'm supposed to be good and do what makes Mother happy and proud. But I always go out of my way to make her unhappy, by speaking out and being a burdensome retarded lunatic with no skills and no future. If she is angry at me, I should accept it and deal with the consequences because I am a bad son. But I am still so scared of being punished by someone else, especially her. So is it OK if I punish myself instead? It isn't, I know that, because I am fine with punishing myself. And you shouldn't be fine with punishment, right? But I am still too much of a coward. I will just punish myself to cope with the guilt. I'll make the scourge now, it is perfect I have decided to make it tonight, when I have been very bad. The first time I use such a thing will be when I have upset the person that's supposed to come first, before anyone else. It is fitting.
🗝️ 11:38 p.m.: I cannot stay sober, I am too frightened. I need to calm down. But I tried. A day and a half, that's better than nothing.
🗝️ 11:30 p.m.: Uh oh, I think I might've made a really big mistake and Mother will punish me because I spoke out.
I mean, she can't do anything right now because she's not here. But she can to an extent, actually. She can still message me mean things or call me and say mean things and I won't block her because it's Mother. Or she could get my sister or C to do something to me.
Why do I continue to speak out when I know all it will do is get me punished??? I'm so stupid!!!
Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I hope I'm just being paranoid. Maybe she won't be angry at me and I'll be fine. I don't like it when people are angry at me, it's really scary.
🗝️ 10:31 p.m.: Never trust a person that types smiley faces without some sort of nose. That's the only life advice I can give.
🗝️ 10:19 p.m.: I think I have all I need to make my scourge. But, this one will be temporary because I do not like the rope I am using. I will just use it until I get a better rope soon to make a better scourge. It will also be good to practice making one. It might not go so well because my motor skills are not that great, but I will try my best.
🗝️ 8:02 p.m.: Everything is OK. My brain is just being mean. I am scared, but everything is OK. I'm fine.
I saw some things, but they're not real. So I'm fine.
I haven't taken medication since I saw the doctor because the new medication she gave me temporarily can't be taken in certain time around my other medications, so it was really hard for my unintelligent brain to do that, so I decided to stop taking all medications until I can stop the new one. But maybe I should take them anyway.
I am grateful I am lucid enough to understand this isn't real. Everything is OK.
🗝️ 7:41 p.m.: Uh. When I was there a few minutes ago, the door was closed. I just noticed the door is somehow open. I didn't open it. I don't know if I'm hallucinating or if somebody broke in. I don't hear anyone? But I know I didn't open the door. Nothing could've opened the door, I'm home alone.
🗝️ 7:32 p.m.: I need to break my habit of stabbing things when I'm angry because I know one day I will end up stabbing someone and get locked up in prison where I'll be everyone's favourite sex slave since I have the body of a 12-year-old and cannot defend myself.
It'd be nice to stop crying when I get angry, too. I cry so much! I cry when I'm sad or happy or angry or scared.
🗝️ 4:47 p.m.: I don't know if I can finish today. I don't feel good.
I'm going to start using the asceticism page. I don't know how I should set it up, though, so it'll be messy until I figure it out.
I decided that I will not link it, like the other pages, because I do not want it to seem that I'm encouraging those behaviours. I just want to keep record of what I am doing. I'll put warnings on the top, so just in case anyone stumbles upon it, they don't accidentally view upsetting things.
I am not concerned of people viewing it if it doesn't upset them. If someone is curious, they can look. I think it can possibly help someone with religious literacy.
🗝️ 3:50 a.m.: I have managed one day sober. Now, just one more day, and then I can go back to being pathetic. Maybe I'll try three days if I can manage, but no longer than that, for sure.
I wrote a whole bunch, but I deleted it all because I was rambling about so many unrelated things.
And an hour has passed because of how much I had written. Kind of bothered I deleted it now. I didn't realize how much time passed! I should've just posted it even if it were ramblings because of the time I wasted on it.
🗝️ 2:46 a.m.: Lucius is deleting things to make more space. No new content has been added to any page despite the updates (just removed).
🗝️ 11:25 p.m.: I've found something beautiful. I think I have a bit of hope now.
🗝️ 3:31 p.m.: I've started to see a lot of him in myself. Not as in the "remains" I wrote about before, but as in I act more like him/am facing many similar problems now.
And it trips me out when I realize I'm approaching the same age. I feel like I will die before my 18th birthday, but sometimes I feel like maybe I will die on the same day (the same amount of days after the 18th birthday, I mean) because of how my life is starting to mirror his. I don't mind it, it's just... odd in a lot of ways, including oddly comforting.
🗝️ 2:38 p.m.: I'm losing my mind because HE'S BACK!!! I love him so much. But I will distance myself from him because I do not want to be a creep.
🗝️ 3:02 a.m.: I hate the English language.
I hate all languages, though, to be honest. Languages are hard and it makes me angry.
But I am posting too many entries this morning, I will stop now.
🗝️ 2:57 a.m.: I'm listening to I.M.Y.S.M right now, and I noticed something that's really bothering me. The 'Y'... The periods before and after the 'Y' are not an OK distance, they are too far away! And I know it is because of the top of the 'Y', but when you're looking at the periods, you only see the stalk(?) of the 'Y' so it looks very wrong and upsetting to me. This is so stupid but now it will haunt me forever. Crap.
🗝️ 2:44 a.m.: Oh, and I also start to care about living humans when I am super high. I think I mentioned this before, that I feel drugs make me a better person. That is the reason why I said that. It's because I can only be kind and care about others when I'm on drugs.
🗝️ 2:19 a.m.: I feel like I probably come off as a militant vegan, but I'm not. I'm not even a vegan, I'm vegetarian. And I don't think people that eat meat are evil. I just don't think it's OK to torture animals. I have hyper-empathy for animals so I get really upset when animals are not happy. When I was younger, I had to cover my eyes every time I walked by meat in stores because I'd start sobbing. Again, I don't think meat eaters are evil, that's just an autism problem, the hyper-empathy.
I have hyper-empathy for animals, dead humans, and inanimate objects. But living humans are hard for me to care about. Despite that, I don't try to hurt innocent humans/be needlessly rude. I try to stand up when I see people doing things I know hurt innocent people because I think that's important even if I admittedly can't bring myself to deeply care about the person often. But even though I try not to be rude, I probably do sound like an absolute rotter all the time because I do not understand. When it comes to living humans, I only care about Mother and my S/O. Sometimes I'm able to care about more people, but when that happens, it's usually limited to men only. I don't know why. I am retarded, my brain is broken, that's all I know.
🗝️ 2:04 a.m.: Also, wasps are just as important to the environment as bees are, so stop hating on them and actually learn the most basic facts about insects before you start killing them for no reason.
🗝️ 1:52 a.m.: I do not like people who make hating insects a personality trait of theirs. Insects are still animals and torturing an insect is still animal cruelty. And how cruel and sociopathic do you have to be to tell someone who has pet insects that their pets are disgusting and they need to be killed. Imagine if I went up to you and your dog and started screaming, "Ew! A dog! Kill it! Kill that disgusting creature!"
🗝️ 1:25 a.m.: After tonight, I am going to try to stay relatively sober for at least two days. I'm going through this way too fast and I'll be out real quick at this rate and then I'll have to suffer even more until I can get more which will probably be a while.
Um. I'll try to update some pages before my brain completely stops working.
🗝️ 11:06 p.m.: NEVERMIND I LOVE HUMANS MY FAITH IN HUMANITY IS RESTORED I JUST FOUND THE CUTEST MOST PURE MAN EVER I LOVE HIM HE'S SO SWEET ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO SUCCEED AND FOR ALL HIS DREAMS TO COME TRUE
🗝️ 7:28 p.m.: The Earth has never belonged to humans, and it never will. It belongs to all that that came before us. The animals, the plants, you know.
I do not like being called a misanthrope (I jokingly use it), but I do understand how people can think that I am one. Or, maybe I am one, and I just do not like the stereotype of a misanthrope. I don't know. I'm not smart with words. I hate humans and I have low empathy for living humans, but I do not think it's OK to hurt innocent humans (bad humans should suffer greatly, though). We did not choose to be born. We are all forced into this world by cruel, abusive people. It's not their fault.
There is no positive to humanity in the end. Maybe some humans can make a few other humans happy, but that's it. And beyond that tiny possible amount of happiness is plenty of suffering. Not just to other humans, but to nature and innocent animals.
When I hear talk of colonizing other planets, or trying to make humans immortal, or transhumanism in general, I get so upset. Why can't humans just accept death! Why can't we all collectively decide to just stop reproducing!!! Why are humans so incredibly disgusting? We die for a reason. There is nothing wrong with death! Nothing at all! In fact, death is the greatest thing! It is a blessing. Humans need to appreciate death.
I wish it didn't bother me, but it does because I love Death so much.
And it bothers me even more to know that there is nothing I can do about this, about humanity. Humans will never change. Every day, I think about all the terrible things humans have already done, are still doing, and will continue to do in the future. Especially since it will only get worse the longer humans exist.
What bothers me most, though, is knowing that I am involved in the suffering. As long as I am here, I will hurt innocent beings and the planet, even if it's indirectly. Writing this is contributing to all the suffering, using the internet, wasting electricity so I can vent about my hypocritical hatred of humanity. I need to die already so I stop hurting the innocent. I constantly think of how many innocent creatures I am hurting by existing.
The only thing that comforts me is knowing that one day, humanity will not exist. I do not know when, but it is certain. I just pray that it happens soon, to avoid any more suffering.
I'm still not human, though, even if I use "we". Or am I? I don't know if a ghost would be considered human or not. But what I mean is that, even if I am not "human", I am just as bad as humans. Well, probably even worse considering I'm a ghost. Because I'm a ghost as God's punishment, so... obviously I'm a very bad person.
Why did I even write any of this? It makes me feel even worse. But I wrote this all now, so whatever. I'll post it, make some plans (probably update asceticism page), play with my bunny, and then hopefully sleep. I don't think I'll be able to sleep, though. We'll see. If I can't, I'll play some videogames because I care more about temporarily distracting myself from reality than actually taking any actions to help lessen the negative impact I'm constantly complaining about.
God, I'm so hypocritical. I need to punish myself.
🗝️ 6:17 p.m.: I am starting to think that maybe having my name everywhere on this site wasn't the best idea. But it's too late now, so whatever. If anyone I know in real life is reading this, hello, please don't tell my family because I do not want to be punished. Thanks.
Also, it's pronounced 'Loo-see-us', not 'Loo-shus'.
🗝️ 1:20 p.m.: I found an old letter I wrote for my ex-boyfriend. I shouldn't have read it. It saddened me.
🗝️ 10:59 p.m.: Finally got my withdrawals taken care of. God, I feel so good, after these past few days. I'm in Heaven.
🗝️ 10:14 p.m.: Er, wait, I do not know if Ella is a Border Collie... I think she might be a Bernese Mountain Dog... or an Australian Shepherd... I do not know. I am not knowledgeable about dogs, I can not tell dog breeds.
🗝️ 9:02 p.m.: I am home now!
We stopped by Dee's (one of Mother's friends) farm. I was excited to see Ella, but sadly since Dee wasn't home, Ella was inside the house (I didn't get to see her). Ella is her dog! I don't like dogs, but I LOVE Ella!!! She is the best!! She's a Border Collie, and she's really big! Every time she sees me, she runs up to me and leans against me. And since she is so big (or am I so small?), she knocks me to the ground! And then she sits her heavy self on my lap and shoves her snout in my face and it's very annoying but also very cute. And I just love Ella a lot!!! What a good doggy!!!
Also, Dee is not her real name. I am just using that for her privacy.
Speaking of farms, I got to pet some alpacas. They're... so... cute!!!!!!! I took some pictures of them!!! This isn't Dee's farm, by the way. It's someone C knows, I don't know who. But he said we're allowed to go pet the alpacas, so! Obviously I went and pet them!!!!!!! I love animals!
This black one is my favourite... Can't even see his eyes with those bangs!!!
This one is blind in one eye.
An old pump in the forest. I was playing around with it and got my feet soaked because I wasn't expecting it to work! But it did work, a lot of water I wasted accidentally...
I also saw a cute porcupine! HE WAS SUCH A BIG BOY!!! He was just... walking... chilling... way too cute!!! I didn't get a picture of him, sadly.
Businesses are beginning to reopen now, so I got some stuff while I was out. I got more candles and tea. My sensory issues were very bad. All the stores and shops, they smelt so strongly, it burnt my nose. The lights were also very bright, and for some reason, lights were flickering (but I seemed to be the only one who noticed it). The flickering was very upsetting and I got very sick from seeing it. My head hurt and I was dizzy and I could barely see anything. So I had to walk around covering my eyes and nose. It was unpleasant.
I was at the art shop. They have these sketchbooks on display where you can test out markers on. I drew Mimikyu on there. If anyone is out at an art store and sees a Mimikyu drawn in that place, with "Lu" written underneath him, that was probably me!
My sister told me about somebody they play Fortnite with. Apparently this person wants to be my friend? He wants to add me on Switch. I do not play Fortnite, and I do not know who this person is or what he knows about me. My sister said they were talking about the Switch and she brought me up because I have a Switch (my sister doesn't) and that's why he wants to add me. I do not mind adding him, but I am still very confused. I do not know his name or how old he is. All they told me is that he is male, from America, and English is his second language (Spanish is his first language). I have no idea why they think telling me where he lives is more important than his age... But whatever. I am going to assume he is in his early 20s, like my sister and C, if they are friends. I do not mind interacting with older people. Well, at least older men. I prefer them over people my age. I will add him later. It does not hurt, I don't think.
🗝️ 10:28 a.m.: I am going urban exploring (maybe) today. I will need to get more tea as well.
🗝️ 12:08 a.m.: Lucius cuddled with his bunny for a bit. Bunny fell asleep as he pet her, it was very cute and calmed Lucius down. But then I remembered some bad things after I stopped cuddling her and I don't feel feel the best but Bunny is asleep and he doesn't want to bother her when she is sleeping. So Lucius will just watch cute puffin videos and try to not think about the fact that I am in danger and everyone is out to get him
I wrote this and my brain is not working properly. I made it same colour because I am talking about sexual abuse/pedophilia and I usually cannot handle any mention of it so when I scroll by here later and see that forgetting I wrote it I will be very upset so I need to make it the same colour to avoid accidentally reading it when I cannot handle it.
🗝️ 11:05 p.m.: Sick of so many women being abusers, rapists, and pedophiles but getting away with it. Sick of when men and boys come out, they not only get laughed at, but have the blame turned on them. All the people that molested and abused me were women. Every male friend and boyfriend I've ever had has been abused by women. It's normalized and encouraged within media/pop culture/whatever the word is. I am so fucking tired of it. I know not every woman is evil, but it's so hard to not generalize when most of them are because they GET AWAY WITH IT and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. THERE IS NO HELP ANYWHERE. So I just want women to stay away from me. I am terrified of being mmolested again, I am terrified of women. I am terrified and tired of disgusting women that think they are entitled to men's and little boys' bodies.
There were people making fun of a man who was sexually assaulted, that's what made me write this/vent. I hate humans so much. I hate those women but I also hate men who hurt other men too and join in on making fun of male victims. But I am more lenient in my hatred of men that make fun of male victims because I know there's a good chance they've been hurt too but are forced to "deal" with it and I don't know how to explain it but that thing. From what I've seen most men will try to convince themselves that bbeing sexually abused was a good thing. Like, for example, there's men who try to convince themselves and others that the woman who raped him when he was a child wasn't actually rape, it was because he was "a lady's man" or whatever the fuck. Turn CSA into bragging about how he's "so impressive" he "got women" at a young age. And that really shows some major problems to me. The whole bullshit of "men only think about sex they enjoy all sex so they can't be raped" and normalization of female pedophiles: teaching boys that their only worth is based off of how women see them and women sexualizing little boys constantly, telling little boys that they're "sexy" or "handsome" or how women/girls are atttracted to them. It's so fucked up. But what I mean to say is that a lot of men are therefore raised to think these things, that it's normal, so they just repeat what they've been taught when they see other men speak out about being sexually abused by women. And that's still really damaging and emotionally abusive so I hate it and can't stand it, but I don't instantly think they're evil.
I hate how I can't say any of this without being laughed at. How are people so blind. All of this is so obvious but yet no one ever talks about it. No help at all. I can never get help for the CSA because they were female. I will be forced to live the rest of my life in constant paranoia of it happening again and getting flashbacks and feeling so filthy and impure and I will have to see what happened to me happening to so many other boys (and men) and there's nothing I can do about it there's nothing those boys can do about it either. I hate humans so much. I want to die. I don't want to live in this world with these terrible people. Life is pain.
🗝️ 6:50 p.m.: The book has finally shipped. It predicts it'll be here on the 26th.
Wrote I would renovate(?) Nekyia. I tried to do that some minutes ago. I got really sad from thinking about how sinful I am, so I gave up. I will work on it another day.
I'm not doing well.
There's so much self-hatred. It hurts to know that I can never escape myself. I have to put up with us for
An amount of time, I do not know. I am the worst.
I'm freezing. It's so very cold. It is going to snow soon, tonight, is what the Weather People (I don't know what they're called) are saying.
It's too cold, too cold. I have a blanket, but it is not enough. Mimikyu thinks it's cold as well.
I'm sleepy. I want to sleep, but I am too cold to sleep. I hate it when it is like this.
🗝️ 3:47 p.m.: So, not only is C an anti-vaxxer, but apparently he's very racist. He keeps getting worse! I hate him so much. I have a feeling he might be very homophobic as well considering he's a racist anti-vaxxer :-/ But he knows I'm gay, so I don't know if I'm in any danger. If he was extremely homophobic, he probably would've hurt me when he found out I had a boyfriend. But I am worried that maybe I am not safe. But I probably am safe. But you can never know for sure with these kinds of people, right?
Either way, he's an unpleasant rotter and I hope he suffers. The little respect I had for him is gone.
🗝️ 5:55 a.m.: Jesus is so cool.
I'm kind of gay for him.
🗝️ 4:39 a.m.: Guerrilla gardening is so cool. Moss graffiti is so cool.
🗝️ 4:13 a.m.: I've been wondering why I've felt so miserable and it finally hit me: withdrawals. Wow, I'm an idiot.
But I think I will be getting more later today. Hope I'll be sober by then, though, because I'm just going to go trip.
🗝️ 12:23 a.m.: Bunnies think that they can get away with anything just because they're cute. And they're right. A bunny could chew all my toes off and I still wouldn't be able to get mad.
🗝️ 11:58 p.m.: Yesterday I found out C is an anti-vaxxer and now I have to supress the urge to punch him every time he's around (which is nearly 24/7 until Mother gets home). This is very hard to do.
It makes sense why he was/is so willing to help me with my poor motor skills now. Anti-vaxxers are obsessed with autistics because they get to complain about how hard they have it to know an autistic person. They go off about how much of a "burden" we are to support their dangerous pseudoscience.
I do not spend much time with him, thankfully.
He'd be completely fine if I punched him. I'm the one that'll be in danger if I don't control myself because he can and most likely would beat the shit out of me. I am tiny. I cannot fight anyone. All I know how to do is escape someone's grasp because my father taught me some military stuff when I was younger.
🗝️ 9:09 p.m.: Copyrighted bible
🗝️ 7:25 p.m.: My father is going to be very mad when he finds out about this, but I don't care anymore. He can't do anything about it. Mother is happy for me. I know Mother hasn't been the best at protecting me from him, but I am completely confident that she will not let him do anything to me because of this. I have suffered so much for so many years to get to this place, to make Mother understand. So not only has she seen how important this is to me, but over the years she has become less tolerant of my father's bullshit. That is why I'm confident she won't let him do anything.
🗝️ 7:10 p.m.: I am so happy right now! I'm crying because I'm happy! I'M SO HAPPY!!! I CAN'T DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I AM!!! I have waited my entire life for this! LUCIUS HAS DONE IT!!!!!!! I'VE DONE IT!!! I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!
🗝️ 1:16 p.m.: Things.
🗝️ 11:01 a.m.: I have decided I will leave this site when Mother comes back home. I'm not sure yet if I will delete it, keep it up but never touch it again, or keep it up and update it maybe once every few months.
I don't know when she'll be back home.
But when she gets home, there's some things I have to do. I'm trying to become like (can't say). I need to give up all these pointless things. I don't need anybody or anything. I don't even need myself! So, I'll throw away myself as well. All I need is God. I have to learn to stop blaming God for my problems and become subservient. I want to be pure. I also want to make God proud. I want to make someone proud for once.
🗝️ 8:23 p.m.: Not planning anything but there might be an accident. I can't bring myself to care
There's nothing. I hate it.
I wish I never felt anything.
I'm sorry, Mother.
I might go to sleep for a while.
Or not. I don't know. I'm not tired enough to sleep anymore, that was just for a split second. I need drugs. Hope this kills us.
My hands are split open, too. They aren't healing. Everything is stressful and I can't take it.
I think sometimes my schizophrenia is getting worse, but I don't think it is. I think it is but I don't think so also. I think the right word is "I am unsure" ? Those are three words, Lucius. I'm stupid. Okay, we can at least know that, that I am getting stupider.
Does it matter? No. I won't notice if I'm being crazy. Crazy is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. I don't know how it goes. I am so disconnected from everything and everyone.
Anyhow. I need to ignore the pain for a while.
🗝️ 8:10 p.m.: I dont need help
Don't want it anymore
🗝️ 7:27 p.m.: I hate being sober.
🗝️ 7:18 p.m.: Started crying. Stopped crying. Started crying. Stopped crying. Almost started crying again.
I don't want to be really sad tonight. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I'm also tired of waking up crying. And tired of all the crying I do randomly throughout the day/night. I'm so tired of crying and being sad all the time.
🗝️ 4:45 p.m.: I'm aware that I mention this all the time, but I must repeat myself again: I love men!! My heart is full of love for men! I want all men to be happy and understand how precious they are. Men are so gorgeous, both in soul and body. I love men so much that I always want to gush about men, but no amount of gushing calms me down, so I end up just repeating myself on how much I love men. But who can blame me for that? Men are perfect. I wish I could cuddle a man right now.
🗝️ 2:14 p.m.: You're looking too hard for a meaning that isn't here.
🗝️ 11:28 a.m.: The book hasn't even shipped yet. Lucius wants to read it already.
🗝️ 10:39 a.m.: Akira Yamaoka composing new music for a new horror videogame. Lucius is happy!
🗝️ 10:43 p.m.: I hate him so much I hate him so so much I hate him more than I can describe. I hate him. He makes infuriates me. I want to stab him to death. But Lucius isn't allowed to stab people or he gets in a lot of trouble I don 't want help. I wonder if he's gone now?
🗝️ 10:08 p.m.: Whatever. I've been through worse. I can deal with this.
🗝️ 9:21 p.m.: What I have remembered of last night.
🗝️ 7:18 p.m.: These words will make more sense when I'm dead.
🗝️ 7:11 p.m.: I can't tell if I'm being rational or irrational. I can't tell if the answer matters any.
I think I'm reaching my breaking point.
🗝️ 4:42 p.m.: I freaking love green juice. I love the colour green. I love vegetables.
🗝️ 4:36 p.m.: Lucius promised to stay sober for at least all of this day.
Can't do it.
🗝️ 2:03 p.m.: Vague memory of what I did last night. I remember hallucinating a lot.
I found something I scribbled last night. None of it makes sense. But I kept talking about some priest.
🗝️ 11:18 p.m.: Apparently, I did have more to say.
🗝️ 11:06 p.m.: DRUG MONEY I LOVE FUELING MY ADDICTIONS AND DISAPPOINTING MY FAMILY. I HOPE JESUS IS PROUD. That's all I have to say right now.
I wanted to write something stupid about the self-lobotomy but then I realized someone may think I'm being serious and someone will call my psychiatrist and I will be thrown back into the psych ward for making a joke about livestreaming performing a lobotomy on myself on Facebook Gaming
But the psych ward would perform a lobotomy on me anyway
They are just as fed up with me spending so much time there as I am. Will probably lobotomize me eventually as a desperate attempt to stop me from coming back
🗝️ 8:19 p.m.: I just screwed my injection up so badly. I don't know what to do now.
🗝️ 5:20 p.m.: Performing a lobotomy on myself tonight.
🗝️ 4:49 p.m.: MOTHER SAID MY VAMPIRE IS CUTE!!!!!!!!!!! Hiss!! I'm a ghost, not a vampire, but I can pretend to be a vampire for fun.
And I have made a plan to get an infinite amount of Monster Energy (I may be exaggerating). I wish they weren't so expensive.
🗝️ 4:39 p.m.: It still hurts to move my hand. It's my dominant hand as well, so now it's getting annoying. Sometimes it's hard to move my thumb, too. Not as in it's too painful to try, but that my thumb is resisting changing positions. But it only lasts a few seconds. My thumb will move again.
🗝️ 4:08 p.m.: I miss you so much. You were perfect. I want you back. Why did you leave me? You promised me you'd stay with me forever. You taught me that you were God and I was your favourite servant, and we would be together in the afterlife, for all of eternity, all alone. Just us. You promised me that you'd kill me before killing yourself. I was so happy when I was with you. I was looking forward to our suicide pact (homicide-suicide pact?). But you just abandoned me, and I'm all alone again. Forever this time. Because you're never coming back to me. You just used me. I'm so angry at you, but I still love you, too. I want to go back in time and kill you so I can have you forever. I know you were the one for me.
I imagine murdering you in great detail. I hate that murder is always associated with hate. There exists murder out of love, too. But of course no one thinks that because they don't know what love is. All they know is disgusting, filthy lust. Just heterosexuals who think their urge to reproduce is "love". True love only exists in homosexual relationships because we are not confused by an urge to reproduce. It's pure. And pure love is so different from lust. When you really love someone, you'd do anything for them. You "stalk" them. Stalk in quotations because while the actions may be stereotyped as stalking, it is not because stalking is unwanted, and in TRUE LOVE, the person you're "stalking" enjoys it because they love you back. So they also "stalk" you. "Stalk" each other! That's what you and I did! And you also murder for them. Murder people who get in the way. And you murder each other, too, because that's love. Even if it's not to stop someone from leaving you, it is required. Because if you truly love each other, you want to die together. But you're jealous of anyone or anything else being the one to kill them. So you make some sort of pact, like we did!
You were the only other person in this world who understood what love was. So I have no idea why you abandoned me. All I can think of is that it was all a lie on your end, and that infuriates me and makes me hate you, but another part of me sometimes believes that you weren't lying. You were too convincing. You put too much effort into pretending to love me. Maybe that's where the cryptic "explanation" you gave comes into play. Maybe you weren't just making fun of me when you said you had to leave because someone was coming for you. Maybe you were protecting me from someone.
Actually, it's starting to make sense. I don't know why I haven't thought of this because it's been so long since you left. You used to be in a lot of trouble with bad people. I mean, you lived in a drug house for a while. That might have something to do with it.
But the possibility of you actually loving me/being the one, it makes my regrets and urge to kill you so much stronger. I love you so much. I can't get over you. I love you so, so much. I wish I didn't let you leave.
🗝️ 12:59 p.m.: 💜💜💜
🗝️ 11:47 a.m.: It's raining. That's nice. I love the rain.
🗝️ 11:25 a.m.: Crying as soon as I wake up. I have to go take those. He feels empty.
🗝️ 10:28 p.m.: He's so intelligent and knowledgeable, but he manages to explain things in a way that are easy for me to understand. And he doesn't dumb them down, doesn't allow misunderstanding. I don't know how he does it. He's great with words. I could listen to him talk forever. He's so pure. I love priests. They make me happy.
🗝️ 7:40 p.m.: I feel so bad! I'M SO SORRY, MÈRE. Apparently she messaged me multiple times the past few weeks, and I didn't know, so I never responded. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her. I messaged her now, though.
🗝️ 5:17 p.m.: Wait, I can't. She won't give me it. I really need it. I'll try listening to music until she gives me it.
🗝️ 5:15 p.m.: This isn't possible. I am confused and scared. I think one of my nightmares is coming true. I'm panicking so I should go take the meds to calm down
🗝️ 4:11 p.m.: This morning I accidentally smashed my wristbone against the sink and now there's a cute tiny bruise. It feels good. It hurts to open/close my hand and move my fingers, especially my thumb.
🗝️ 3:48 p.m.: His voice makes me melt. It's gorgeous. He has a voice you want to get fucked by. That sounds weird, but I think everyone knows a voice they wish they could have sex with LOL. Not the person, the voice because it's just that damn beautiful.
🗝️ 3:43 p.m.: I'm back on medical cannabis :-)
🗝️ 3:11 p.m.: I feel like the last part of you. I don't know. Your family and friends, they're still around, but I don't feel they were as connected to you as I was. Since we loved each other, you know. You told me everything. So I feel like I am just the remains of you. I'm not a person. I can write "I" as much as I'd like, but I don't feel like "I" am an "I". I am you. I can't explain it well.
🗝️ 2:52 p.m.: I moved all the resources I had linked on my Tumblr blog to the 'More' page. I plan on adding other resources that weren't on my Tumblr blog as well.
🗝️ 2:02 p.m.: I'm still crying, too. I can't stop.
🗝️ 1:53 p.m.: I'm back home now. It did not go well.
I started crying in the back of the car on the way home. I hope they didn't notice. I pulled up my hood to try to hide my face.
I started craving lean and a pack of cigarettes. It wasn't fun. At least I got green tea, I suppose.
I'm still really sad.
🗝️ 10:26 a.m.: OH NO, WILL THEY LET ME BRING MIMIKYU INSIDE WITH ME??? I'm scared they won't. Usually, they do, but I don't know if they'd allow him in now. I don't want to talk to anyone without Mimikyu in my arms.
🗝️ 10:13 a.m.: Hospital in soon. I hope she doesn't notice the new scars.
I feel rather numb this morning.
I slept some last night, but I kept waking up every hour or so. I remember having at least one nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about. (Lucius is lying, he just doesn't want to talk about it.)
🗝️ 10:09 p.m.: Tried to eat something. No... Not doing that, I decided. I didn't even eat any of it, but I want to throw up to get the filth out. I am full of filth. Food is also filth. Food makes the problem worse, because it is something humans are meant to find enjoyable (FILTH), the sinner doesn't get that. I'm naturally very underweight (bmi 16, sometimes 15) so relapsing like this will probably kill me. But that's what I want. So good. I hope that I will die purely.
I am so stressed with how filthy I am. I do not mean filth as in my physical body is dirty, that I need to take a shower. My soul is what's filthy. So are my organs. My blood. Every little thing about me is full of filth. All my thoughts are filthy, too. What I'm writing here is filthy. Filth cannot be seperated from me. I catch my reflection and I see filth, especially my eyes, I hate my eyes so much I want to gouge them out. Two birds with one stone (I think that's the saying?). Discard the filthy eyes as well as no longer having to suffer the sight of my filthy face. I want to skin my face too. I want to get decapitated. There is no one filthier than me (there is no one I hate more than me).
Except God, because it's all God's fault that I exist, and therefore suffer.
But hating God is part of my filth and status as a sinner. It's what I'm being punished for. I wish I was holy and pure. I love priests. I have an obsession with priests because they're holy men. I want a priest to touch me so I can be cleansed and saved.
Too bad it's impossible to save a sinner.
🗝️ 9:09 p.m.: I'm fine. They're home now.
Also, the principal sent Mother an email about what's happening. I can graduate even without finishing the course, he said it was because of COVID-19 stuff. So I'm not "done school" yet as in I've graduated, but as in I do not have to do any work. At all. I can just forget about it and then school will end soon and I'm officially out.
It's not like I was doing the work anyway, which is what made it even more stressful, to be honest. I mentioned this on here before, that I am too retarded, even in a special needs school, that Mother had to do this work for me. And I felt incredibly guilty. She volunteered to do it, she wanted to help me, but how could I not feel guilty? Mother had to stress herself out and waste her precious time on MY schoolwork. Because I'm a literal retard. I feel like such a burden (because I am). But now she doesn't have to do my work anymore, she doesn't have to stress out over my problems. I'm so grateful.
But what will I do afterwards? I mean, even before the pandemic started, I didn't go to school to work. I worked at home because I could not function in the school building. I'd just sit there and cry while listening to music all day, so they told me to work at home. So there will not be a difference in actually going to school now, just that there's no work for me to stress over. But. Uh. I'll be 18 in September. What am I supposed to do?? Get a job??? I can't! I know I have "planning to be a tattoo artist" listed on the random facts section of /index.html, but that's not true. It's just shit I made up to try and make Mother have some amount of hope/pride in me for "trying to have a future". The reality is that I cannot be a tattoo artist. I am too disabled. I have no skills. I'm not good at anything. And I also just won't be here soon.
I told her a few months ago that I will be dead before I turn 18. I want that to be true, but I am worried I will not be able to at this rate. Because of all the monitoring, right, it's hard. I haven't been able to make any more attempts since the last hospitalization. I am so scared that I will turn 18 years old and still exist. That's my worst fear. Not just because of how shameful it is to be a disabled burden on Mother, but because I will be old. This is what I wanted to vent about but said I didn't think I was ready to talk about it yet because it takes too much energy. But I guess I will vent about it now.
I am old. I am super old. Uncomfortably old. I hate it. I've always had a major problem with growing older. I was never a child. I didn't get a childhood. Yes, maybe I was the stereotypical "child" age before, but that doesn't mean I was a child. I didn't have anyone to take care of me or love me. I didn't have the mental health of a child, with my mental illnesses. And I was also filthy. Filthy, filthy, filthy. I was a filthy adult in a "child's" body. And I still am a filthy adult. My life-long wish was/is to be a child. I learnt that nobody cares about you unless you're a child or extremely sick. And all I ever wanted is for someone to pay attention to me and love me and take care of me. I want to be innocent. But that will never happen. That's why I practice some forms of asceticism, because I want to be a child and pure. I want to get rid of all the filth. And also, knowing that nobody cares unless you're a child or extremely sick, that plays a major role as well. I want to be a sick child. So growing up, I'd purposely hurt myself in every way possible to try and get someone to worry and take care of me. No one ever did, obviously. So I made plans to kill myself before I got too old. It was my last resort. I thought that maybe if I died young, people would finally care about me and I could be an innocent child. I didn't care that I wouldn't be around for it. I just wanted to enjoy the fantasy of it happening. At first, it was kill myself before 13. That didn't happen. So next it was kill myself before 14. That also didn't happen. So then it was kill myself before 15. That also never happened, obviously. And it was then at 15 I realized it's too late. 15 was too old. No one would care about me if I died at 15, or any age above that. 13 was ideal. 14 was pushing it. 15 was the deadline. I still sob and hurt myself every day over the fact I have lived to 17. I have missed the only chance I ever had at maybe having one single person care about me and see me as a child. I genuinely have no reason to live. I've had so many attempts since I've turned 15. The only reason I'm still here is because luck hates me and I'm also just trash at everything and that includes killing myself. The closest I've probably ever gotten besides cutting arteries was one specific overdose where I passed out vomiting. The only reason I survived it is because I happened to collapse on my side. If I collapsed onto my back, I would've suffocated on my vomit in my sleep and died. I was so close, but the universe hates me and wants me to continue suffering.
So, the point of bringing all that up... is that there's no point in living, not just because I cannot function, move out, get a job, etc. That I will never ever experience any joy in life even if I were to magically become un-disabled because I'm OLD. I'm OLD and FILTHY. I'm a sinner. I hate myself so much.
What I will do in what is probably the last few months (maybe even weeks, who knows) of this miserable existence? Just lock myself in my room and sob and punish myself all day over how I'm not a child and I have no one to care about me and take care of me. As I've been doing every single day of my entire life.
I'm exhausted of it all. I'm always sad. I'm going to go get high because I would like a break from this right now. Might finally fall asleep, too. I can barely keep my eyes open. (But somehow still so sad despite the physical exhaustion? I do not understand how human bodies work.)
🗝️ 8:32 p.m.: Oh dear God, my heart. I panicked. Hallucinating again. I'm home alone and suddenly there's people talking in the other room it was terrifying. Their voices are so clear. I managed to summon the courage to go into the room, and I kept hearing the voices. It's not real, obviously, it can't be real. There's no one here to talk. No one. Just Mimikyu and I. I'm back in my room now, but I can still hear them. It's scary. I hate that even the times I'm lucid enough to recognize a hallucination, that doesn't make the hallucination stop. It will continue until whenever my brain stops being cruel. But what if it is real? While the voices are clear, it sounds slightly distorted as if coming from a mic. What if it's some type of monitoring device malfuctioning??? And they're watching me.
🗝️ 4:15 p.m.: Why do I continue to use :-) ?? I should add my septum to it! :-c) And then when I get the snake bites after lockdown is over... :-c): That doesn't look like a face at all, does it? Huh. Disappointed.
🗝️ 4:01 p.m.: C, my sister's boyfriend, can be really annoying at times, but overall, I'd say he's pretty cool. I mean, he made me star-shaped scones! That's enough to know he's cool! But he's also the one who got me my piercer and he recommends me tattoo artists because he has tattoos as well as being friends with a lot of tattoo artists (he used to have piercings, too, but he doesn't anymore). He helps me out too when he sees me struggling with my motor skills, like, he'll open bottles and jars for me. So, he's nice and means well even though he can be highly irritating. Like when he follows me around when I'm trying to spend time with Mother... She's my mother, not yours! I never get her attention, so let me have it!! I want all her attention! I want everyone else in this world to just die already so I can be alone with Mother! Or, alternatively, I want Mother to die so she can be cremated and I can have her remains!!! I'd put them inside of Mimikyu! And then when I die, both our remains will be inside Mimikyu! Happy ending!
But I am not in the Mother worshipping mood right now. I am happy and grateful he made me star-shaped scones :-). Which are ready now!!! YAY!
Lucius is really, really happy so far today! When he talked to Mother this morning, she said Lucius needs to sleep. But I'm not going to. I have too much energy. Happy Lucius is happy!
🗝️ 3:38 p.m.: My sister just showed me one of her pet lizards, Herman. She has a lot of lizards. He's a BIG BOY! AND HE HISSES ADORABLY!! Really cute! His tongue is blue, too. My sister said he's called a Blue-tongued skink, apparently a rare kind that's $3000. But she got him for free because the man who had him couldn't take care of him. Very cute creature, he is fun to pet. I'm happy she showed me Mr. Herman. Good
not-so-little creature. 10/10 on the Official Lucius Cute Animal Rating scale.
Also, C is making me STAR-SHAPED SCONES!!!!!!!! STAR-SHAPED SCONES!! STAR-SHAPED SCONES!!! I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH, STAR-SHAPED SCONES! He asked me how much I wanted him to make, and I said all that he can. And he said he could make thousands. So I said, "Make me thousands!" And I think he agreed to it, I'm not sure. But either way, star-shaped scones! I chose the shape because I am very mature and almost an adult man :-)
🗝️ 12:57 p.m.: I'm really looking forward to when I can go to antique shops again! I love them so much! I've found lots of wonderful things from them. I want to share some pictures of the stuff I've gotten from antique shops, but I can't right now. The main things I collect from them are dolls, Victoriana, and old books. I have a bunch of old books! Some over 200 years old! And some have handwritten notes/letters on the pages from the previous owners, that's my favourite part about collecting old books. I can see these casual notes from unknown people who died over a hundred years ago, that probably never thought this book would still survive and be in the hands of a curious boy in 2020! I love it. To think that some of these people probably have no one left to ever know they once existed. Except me. Because I have the book they once had. It makes me happy, to remember the dead that no one else does. The same feeling I get from talking to and tending to the headstones of old, forgotten graves. I love the dead. They are my friends.
I have multiple Care Bear stuffies from the 80s that I got from antique shops. One is a backpack!!!! Cheer Bear backpack!! I've posted a picture of it here before. Crtl + F "Cheer Bear" if you're curious. I have many dolls. I really want to make a page for my dolls, to share them! Share pictures of them and their names, where I got them from and how old they are. One of my favourite items that I got from an antique shop (and just in general) is a Victorian cabinet card. It's two children, a little boy and an older girl. I do not know who they are, but the back of the cabinet card gives info on the photographer. Someone wrote on it in pen, "Who?", which is a bit annoying that they did that over what is probably a one-of-a-kind item that has historical/archival purposes for some family out there (if you ever find out who the children are). At least the writing is small, I guess. That is the only cabinet card I have, but I want to start collecting them.
🗝️ 11:37 a.m.: Posting two entries at once because I got distracted and also I don't want to put this in the previous entry.
I'm actually seeing the doctor! What a surprise, genuinely. I'm seeing her tomorrow. Apparently the whole process is going to be weird. You have to stay in your vehicle and call the office once you're there, and then they give you a room number that you immediately go to. You don't go to any waiting room, just straight there. They want you to go in alone if possible, they said, but I'm bad at directions and also communicating, so my sister will have to come in there with me. But she won't be much help aside from figuring out where I need to go. I wish Mother was here. Mother is the one that usually speaks for me. Mother said that because she's not here, I'll have to try and tell them everything on my own. So even though I should be happy I get to see the doctor, I am worried it will not go well because I will not be able to communicate the extent of the problem. Maybe not at all. I don't know. My brain is weird. Some days I cannot talk at all, and some days I can talk like a normal person (with the exceptions of being more monotone and incorrect pronounciations). Most of the time, I'm semi-verbal, or something. I don't know if there's a real word for it. I can speak, but it's not good. I cannot accurately say what I want to say/am thinking, I do not know how to form sentences for some reason when it comes to verbal speech, so I sound really dumb. I mean, I am dumb, but a lot more dumb. I'll repeat the same words over and over again and stutter. Short sentences and one-word answers. I'm rambling now, but what I wanted to say is that I do not know how I will be able to speak tomorrow. It is out of my control. I don't understand how it works, just that some days it's different from my usual speech ability.
I wish I learnt sign language. Instead, when I was mute growing up, they gave me a little whiteboard to carry around and write on to communicate. That's why I write better than I speak (although my writing is still not good). I think life would be much easier if I knew sign language. I'd never have to make an attempt to speak at all, and I could be much less stressed! I could try learning it, but I don't know how I'd learn it. I'm not good at learning things like this. I also don't think Mother would be very happy if I started using it because she would think I was regressing, or whatever the word is. Going back to being mute.
I feel like that might happen, to be honest. I don't know if it's a thing that happens, but I have noticed I am getting significantly more retarded the older I get. For example, my writing ability has declined rapidly. I used to be a really good writer, and now it is hard for me to write coherently (I think). I think it might be the combination of autism and schizophrenia because they both cause cognitive dysfunction and it started getting worse when I developed schizophrenia. It's an annoying mix because of how much they compliment each other (in the bad way). I heard that there's a link between autism and schizophrenia, some neurological link that makes it common to have both. I think that's probably true because of how similar they can be with symptoms.
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I haven't slept in two days. That's not a big deal for me, I've gone longer, yes, but I somewhat fixed my sleep schedule for the past few days. It took forever to get there! But it seems I'm back to being sleepless. I hope I can start sleeping normally once the infections are taken care of.
The infections are abcesses related to my injections, by the way. They're really, really bad. I'm going to try to find an excuse for why these are here because I am worried if she thinks it's the injections, she will take them away from me. And I cannot be without them.
Why am I still rambling? I'm going to go play with my bunny and eat a few blackberries. I also haven't been eating again, because of asceticism. When I do eat, it's not a lot because a sinner like me deserves to starve, both as punishment and as a way to try and become pure. I also have returned to releasing blood because there's filth in my blood, and when I bleed, some of the filth goes away and I am slightly less impure. But only slightly. I think it's impossible for me to be pure, no matter how hard I try. It's hard to cope with.
Ugh, I'm annoying myself. No more of this! I'm done this entry.
🗝️ 10:11 a.m.: If there's any man reading this, you're lovely. I'm sorry the world is backwards. I'm sorry how strict our gender roles are; how fierce the double standards are; how it's impossible to get help or justice for being abused or for mental illness, even though men are the most affected, and how society actively encourages the abuse of men and boys; getting forced into war because you're seen as expendable; how the military preys on men; how many men lose their children to abusive mothers and little boys being forced to pay child support for their rapists because the "justice" system is inherently biased and corrupt; how we are never taught to love ourselves; how we are held to equally unrealistic body standards and constantly shamed on our appearances but nobody ever calls it out; how men face life-long abuse and taught that their entire worth is based upon how a woman views them/sexual objectification, as well as the inherent homophobia of that; how cruel the world is to autistic men and boys (as well as any other mental health condition); and much more. I'd like to say that humans will get better, but I'd be lying. I don't think any progress will be made.
But I hope that knowing there are people who recognize these issues and are vocal about them can make you feel a bit better.
You're beautiful, both in personality and appearance. Your hobbies and interests aren't something to be ashamed of. No makeup, haircut, hobby/interest, or style of clothing makes you any less masculine. Your emotions are valid and crying does not make you weak or any less of a man. Crying is important, it helps ease stress, it's a natural human thing that nobody should stigmatize. If you have to cry, please cry. If you have someone you can trust, please talk to them. Don't bottle it up. Bottling it up can lead to serious mental health issues, and sadly it is hard for men to get any help. Men being abused doesn't only happen in gay relationships, it's actually extremely common for men to have abusive female partners. I know you're taught that it's impossible to be abused or raped by a woman, but it is possible, and the myth of it being impossible (or just uncommon) is what allows it to be so prevalent, especially since society often encourages female-on-male abuse. Please learn to recognize the signs if you're in an abusive relationship because sadly there's no help for abused men. There are no shelters for us. There is no justice in the "justice" system. As hard as it is to escape from an abusive relationship on your own, it's probably the only option you have, so it's important to recognize red flags before you get sucked in. There's nothing wrong with showing platonic physical affection with other men- most men do not get the platonic physical affection they need, so go ahead and cuddle your friends (if they're okay with it), because they're probably lonely too (although that might not be a good idea right now with the pandemic lol). It's not gay, it's human. And even if it was gay, that's fine. Please try to be kind to yourself and remember that your worth does not depend on anyone else. But also remember that bringing others down does not bring anyone up. I understand it can be easy to become "radicalized", or whatever the proper word is, with all of this, but it doesn't help. Women aren't inherently evil, just as men aren't. Misogyny isn't the cure for misandry (and vice versa). It only makes things worse for everyone.
Men are wonderful, and that includes you. In case no one told you today, I love you, Stranger. Thank you for existing.
Lastly, I also just want to throw in that if you're a woman or girl who was abused by another woman, you're also strong. Female-on-female abuse is just as unrecognized as female-on-male abuse. It also seems to be quite common, from what I've seen. Your trauma is just as valid as a woman who was abused by a man, there's no difference in how traumatizing it is. I'm sorry that there's hardly any support for you, but as I said earlier with men, I hope knowing there's people who recognize this helps you feel a bit better.
🗝️ 9:39 a.m.: Nevermind, it will not be fine. It will go to my brain and I'll become even more retarded and insane. I don't think I can get a doctor to help me because of the whole COVID-19 stuff. I cannot describe how frustrated I am. Even without the lockdown, doctors around here are trash. I was incredibly sick for two months earlier this year and despite it getting serious and having blood tests done, the doctors didn't take me seriously. Luckily whatever it was went away on its own. And once this doctor was supposed to give me anaesthetic, but he didn't even offer it. I didn't know you were supposed to get anaesthetic, so I didn't think anything of it until he did it and the pain was unbearable. And then there's just how incredibly rude they are. Every time I go to the hospital, the staff makes fun of me for being autistic. It's disgusting. I had to leave the emergency room once because the extreme physical pain I was suffering was easier to handle than the emotional pain of the doctors being cruel of my obvious disability/autism. I left crying even harder than when I went in to the hospital and everyone was staring at me. It was a horrible experience. I understand why people fall victim to quackery, when for some people, the doctors are untrustworthy, uhelpful, and cruel. You get desperate from it.
I'm in a bad mood, if that wasn't obvious. As if things weren't already stressful enough.
🗝️ 9:08 a.m.: I think the infection is getting better? Somehow? I'll just keep doing this and maybe it'll be fine.
🗝️ 7:17 a.m.: Stumbled upon this on my dash, and I can't stop laughing at this face.
🗝️ 2:36 a.m.: I'm ignoring the order of the To-Read list. I'm jumping to Thomas Aquinas: Spiritual Master by Bishop Robert Barron. I ordered it a few hours ago. It should be here in a few days.
🗝️ 11:37 p.m.: The pain is stressing me out so much that I want to cut to cope, but if I do, they'll get infected too. I can't just sleep through it, so I don't know what to do. I'm also going through withdrawals. This sucks. Life sucks. I hope I get sepsis and die soon. Put me out of this misery.
🗝️ 11:06 p.m.: It hurts so damn bad. I can't even sleep anymore because of it. I'll probably get sepsis soon and die. At least when that happens, I'll no longer have to deal with the stupid pain of the infections.
🗝️ 10:54 p.m.: The infections have gotten a lot worse and I can't see the doctor :-)
🗝️ 10:39 p.m.: Why am I scared? Why am I remembering something and it's making me scared? Yes, it's bound to happen again, but not now. Not for a while. She's not here for that to happen, so why do I think it's going to happen now? I'm fine. I'm safe. Save the fear for when it does happen. My brain is annoying. I want it to stop worrying and calm down.
🗝️ 9:27 p.m.: I keep adding books to the To-Read tab of the reading log, but I still haven't touched the book I'm supposed to be reading for about two months now. I think the problem is that I want to read different books right now (and resume it later), but I don't want to change it. But I can't force myself to read something I'm not in the mood to read. I find The Peoples Temple extremely interesting, always have, but I'm no longer in the mood to read about it. And I mean, I probably already know everything in the book because I've done a lot of research on the topic already, so that doesn't help my motivation. All I want to read right now is Catholic writings, that's all. I'm currently hyperfixating on Catholicism. I'm already reading a lot of Catholic writings, just not books. When I'm not reading about Catholicism, I'm usually listening to Catholic podcasts in the background while I'm doing whatever I'm doing. I do that every day.
You know what, I'll just give up and change it. My autistic brain will be upset at this minor change that will only improve my mood because it doesn't like change much, but whatever. I just want to read the books I want. I'll go back to reading that book after I'm done.
🗝️ 3:18 a.m.: I think I've developed a new stim from all the puffin videos I've been watching. I shake my head quickly every few minutes, like puffins do a lot. It's embarrassing, but there's nothing I can do about it. Just another uncontrollable, socially unacceptable stim to add to the long list.
🗝️ 1:02 a.m.: Finally remembered it! It's Albino Lullaby. It's a strange game, but that's why I like it.
🗝️ 12:53 a.m.: I randomly remembered a game I really liked, but I can't remember the name of it. I want to find out what it's called. It was a rather surreal game with horror elements, if I remember correctly. There were these... things? Worm people? I don't know. But it was pretty wacky and I liked it because of that.
🗝️ 7:50 p.m.: I might need surgery.
🗝️ 6:28 p.m.: I sent Mother a novel about puffins, just infodumping to her (poor her). But she said when she gets back, she'll take me to see the colony in our area!!! I've been around the colony before, but never saw them. I was also near another colony in a different area. I'm so happy I live in the Atlantic for once!!!! BECAUSE WE HAVE THE ATLANTIC PUFFINS!!
🗝️ 5:57 p.m.: Atlantic puffins are now one of my favourite animals. They're brilliant!! Everything about them is interesting! But I learnt that Atlantic puffins are starting to not do so well, which makes me sad. Apparently due to climate change, the fish they feed their chicks are scarce. They're getting replaced by other fish that are too big for the chicks to eat, so they starve to death. (In some places, climate change is actually benefiting the puffins, though.) And the chicks that do make it, when they leave their nests, they're confused by the lights of human cities and towns. They think our artifical lights are the moon and stars, so they follow the lights and end up on roads and other places they shouldn't be. They don't know how to find their way back and often hide under vehicles, so they die. But I learnt there's rescues that are helping the confused puffins! They catch them and then release them the next morning back into the sea (because if they release them at night, they come straight back due to the lights).
But despite that, they seem to be really smart! They seem to have some kind of map in their head, great memory. Because they live for ~20 years, and they're monogamous, right? And they also return back to the same burrow after being away for months and years and sometimes travelling quite far. How do they remember that, I wonder? I can't even remember what I was doing ten minutes ago or if I've eaten yet today! One interesting thing I learnt about them relating to them being monogamous is that the chick will let the parent know if the other parent isn't "keeping up their end of the deal", or however you'd describe it, with a specific sound. If they're not feeding them enough. And that might cause the parents to "divorce" and find a new mate! Oh, and again with them being intelligent, researchers recently (in January) reported puffins using tools!! Specifically, they use sticks to scratch themselves when they're itchy. That's so cute!
🗝️ 2:59 p.m.: I love puffins. They're super cute!!! I think I might be getting a new special interest because I can't stop learning about them right now. I'm not a big bird person, but how can you not love puffins!?
🗝️ 7:43 a.m.: Oh no, it's thundering. I'm terrified of thunderstorms. I know nothing will happen, but it's still scary. I don't like the loud noises. At least the wind is not that bad right now.
🗝️ 7:38 a.m.: What is he doing. He can't protect my villagers like this.
🗝️ 6:03 p.m.: I'm very cold. My blanket isn't helping much to warm me up.
I talked to Mother. Apparently my injection dose has been doubled, so I'll have to remember that. The doctor is retiring, too, and she wants to see me in June if she can. She's going to change my doctor to the one who referred me to her, I think? I didn't like him very much, but then again, I only met him once and was bombarded with super uncomfortable questions (necessary for what it was for) when I was 15. I'll find a way to put up with it if I still don't like him (it's very hard to get doctors for this thing in my area, so I can't just switch).
The kitty, Coco, I convinced her to keep the name. I really love the name Coco. I'm not sure why she wanted me to think of a new name. But anyhow, she also rescued three kittens who were left in the road where she is. She's fostering them. Apparently Coco is scared of the kittens! Coco is a kitten as well, but she's months older than the three kittens (I think they're only a few weeks old). Mother is so sweet. She loves animals. That's why she runs a cat rescue. She does everything she can to save a kitty, to the point she'd neglect me for one. She works hard for the cats, which she doesn't get paid to do (it's a volunteer organization), so it's admirable. It's purely out of how much she cares. But I'll admit that it upsets me sometimes. I guess it's jealousy. I wish she cared about me even a fraction of the amount she cares about cats.
I've been thinking a lot today about how much Mother does for me that I don't appreciate. I feel guilty beyond words. All this money she has to waste on me for being an absolute nutcase. Sure, she's done lots of bad things too, but how can I be justified in holding that against her? She had to deal with an abusive husband who constantly had us move due to his career (he's a veteran of ~30 years) and would get drafted away, so she'd have to deal with my sister and I on her own. My sister was so cruel to Mother, that even though I know it sounds strange, I'd confidently claim my sister abused Mother. And then there was me, obviously, which was the worst. Extremely mentally ill since birth. Wasting tons of money on therapy and medications from the start. And hospitalizations, too, for medical issues I don't want to talk about. Mute and struggled in school. Never any accomplishments. Nothing for her to be proud of. No job, not even the ability to have a job because of being too autistic/disabled. No good grades. No plans for the future. She can't even be proud of some positive traits, like being kind or something, because I have absolutely no positive traits. How can I acknowledge all that, but still get upset at her for the bad things she's done to me? She's been trying her best, even if it was never enough. She's mentally ill herself. I feel so guilty.
Everyone in my family is mentally ill. Mother has depression, and I think she said she has anxiety? I can't remember. My father has PTSD from the military. My sister... she's diagnosed with BPD, but I'm 100% convinced she's just a psychopath and that's it. She's been abusing people and animals ever since I could remember, can easily manipulate anyone, and has no remorse for anything she's ever done. God, I hate her so much. I hate her as much as I hate my father. Probably even a little more, actually.
But back to Mother. Even though she has tried her best, I know she isn't trying because she actually cares about me, and that really hurts. She tries because she feels obligated to, legally and for her reputation. I know so because she's told me so, many, many times. But even if she doesn't care, I should still be grateful that she's trying. There's plenty of people that have mothers who didn't try in the slightest and just kicked their children out or something. Even though I'm saying all this now, I know this mindset won't stay. I've always flopped between worshipping her and despising her. Out of all my family, she's the only person I care about. I think it's because even though she has done bad things, she's still the nicest out of the three. She's the only one who was ever kind to me growing up, but those nice moments were surrounded by lots of very bad ones. I think that's why I have such mixed emotions about her.
I think my feelings about her have gotten a lot better recently, though. I used to have really bad... uh, "mommy issues", is that the right term? That made me really confused about my sexuality from 14-16 because I'd date girls but never be happy with them. But even though I was never happy, I wanted to date a girl anyway. I was attracted to men, but I couldn't imagine myself dating one because it needed to be a girl for some reason. I didn't know why until a few months ago, when I realized it's because I was looking for a mother figure and I have a twisted idea of how a mother loves. I've felt a lot better since I realized this and stopped getting myself involved with girls/women (I also had a problem with
pedophiles women). But even outside of relationships, I had a lot of issues. I tried to get any adult woman to love me. I'd get jealous whenever I saw a random mother with her children out in public. I'd throw a temper tantrum inside my head about how I want her to love me instead of her children, that I'd actually appreciate her unlike her children who are bound to be ungrateful twats as all children are (except me, apparently). I fantasized about random women showering me in affection and adopting me. I hurt myself really badly in a lot of different ways to try and get the attention of random women. I wanted them to see me and get worried and show that they care. (Writing this, I'm starting to think maybe the reason why I suddenly stopped caring is because I'm distracting myself by focusing on having a big brother instead.)
That part, hurting myself really badly in a lot of different ways... One of the ways is what I said I would vent about when I woke up on the 1st of May. I still don't know if I'm ready to talk about it right now. I don't think so. I'll save that for another day.
I think this is probably the longest entry I've written here. I've had a lot I wanted to get off my shoulders about Mother but didn't because I didn't feel okay to do that. There's more that I'm still not ready for. But this is a start, right? I usually don't feel much after venting on here. I have trouble figuring out whether this site is helping or making it worse because of how... the exact same I feel. But I do feel better with this one. I hope that means this site is helping, even if I can't feel that most of the time. Well, if it's not, at least investigators have this to look into when I kill myself. This site is basically a giant suicide letter. Maybe someone else who's reading this can find some good in it, too. Maybe someone sees what not to do in their life lest they end up like me. Maybe someone thinks me whining is hilarious and gets a good laugh from it. Or maybe someone will read it and feel better about themselves because as bad as they think they may be, at least they're not as pathetic as this loser (that's me).
🗝️ 1:46 p.m.: I took my medications just now. I didn't take them yesterday. I didn't get my antipsychotics, though, which is what I really need right now. I realized that they haven't been giving me my antipsychotics? Just the antidepressants and sleeping pills. It's probably because they're trying to see if it's really the antipsychotics that are making me sick. I think I might've been the one to ask to test that but forgot. I'll pay attention tonight to see if I get sick or not, so then tomorrow I can start taking my antipsychotics again.
🗝️ 12:22 p.m.: I keep hearing people talking and it's worrying me. I know it's just a hallucination because nobody is home and there's no radio or television or anything else that can be playing. But it's still scary. I keep thinking there's someone trying to (sorry) me. And I want to cry, but if I cry, then they might hear me. I'm back in my room now. I'll just stay in here until my sister and C gets home.
🗝️ 7:39 a.m.: I wrote the date wrong, and when I went to edit it, I accidentally deleted the first paragaph of the last entry. I'm so confused. I'll try to rewrite it as best as I can remember.
My brain forces me to think of bad things happening to Mimikyu, like losing him or accidentally destroying him. Or someone taking him away from me. It upsets me greatly. Mimikyu is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my remains stuffed inside him. (Ideally I want my corpse to be sent to a body farm, but there's none in my country.)
I think that was it? I'm stupid.
🗝️ 7:24 a.m.: Mimikyu is always with me, even when I go into public! People look at me strangely, but I don't care. Mimikyu comforts me and I get really scared and have a meltdown when he's not with me. It also really bothers me when somebody else touches him. When people touch him, they make him dirty. People are dirty and I try my best to hide from that reality. I try to get rid of the dirt by pressing against wherever they touched him for hours. There's worse people to touch him than others, depending on how bad the people are/bad memories I have of them. When people I really hate and have hurt me touch him, I can't stop sobbing. I don't want those people to ruin Mimikyu with their dirtiness. He's all I have.
🗝️ 6:06 p.m.: I've decided to not go to the Nether until 1.16 releases so I don't have to travel forever to find new biomes. But I really want to go to the Nether to get some stuff for my current projects in the Overworld. It's a bit annoying.
🗝️ 1:49 p.m.: It's Mimikyu and I against... everything.
I'm just going to go to sleep. I'm exhausted.
When I wake up, I'm going to punish myself.
There's something I don't think I've mentioned. I've been trying to ignore it because I can't do anything about it but it's destroying me and being delusional over it is the only slight break I get from the pain it causes so I want to start being delusional over it again. But I want to sleep before I vent about it as it needs more energy than I currently have.
🗝️ 1:25 p.m.: My hands are messed up. Really messed up. Well, one is. My fingers are all torn up. I can't stop ripping skin off. They're all bloody. I wake up and they're bleeding because I do it in my sleep, too. It hurts a lot, a lot, a lot, but I can't stop because of the condition. Mother's not here to help.
I want Mother to come home. I miss her so much. I know when she's back, she's going to make me feel miserable, though. She makes me want to die. But I love her a lot. I wish she loved me too. I've tried everything to get her to love me, but it never works. I can kill myself and she wouldn't care. Well, she would. Only because it'd ruin her reputation. She always told me that kind of stuff. One that always stuck with me is when I was laying on the floor unable to breathe from an overdose. And Mother walks in and says, "You better hope you're not dying because I'm not taking you to the hospital." I already knew she didn't care and she has already said and done hurtful things, but that one really hurt. I was in so much pain and she just stared down at me laying on the floor. I'm not good at telling facial expressions, but I know she looked at me with hate. I still cry over that often.
Last hospitalization I had a breakdown and started screaming at her over the phone about that and everything else she said/done showing she doesn't care. And she acted like she didn't know who I was talking about. The staff made fun of me. I was so upset and scared and they just made fun of me. And I hung up and my sister came in the room to tell me about how Mother never did anything like that. "You hear and see things that aren't there". Yeah, maybe, but that doesn't mean all these memories are fucking hallucinations. They can hurt me as much as they want and get away with it. Because they just tell me none of it's real and make me feel guilty for having those things happen. Was it a fucking hallucination when you dragged me to the basment and molested me? What about when idiot young me accidentally let something slip and you pulled me aside to threaten me if I said anything more. What about when you told me how to tie a fucking noose and hung all my favourite stuffies and tried to get me to do that to myself. Or when you held me underwater? When you told me you wanted me to die? All those are hallucinations? Fuck you.
I'm still too sober. Hate this. I'm just going to find my benzos I guess. I can't stop myself.
🗝️ 1:12 p.m.: I took my medications for the first time in a few weeks. Every time I think I've finally started them again, I don't take them for weeks on end. I'm also drunk for the first time in a few weeks. Not supposed to mix, but whatever. I feel like shit.
🗝️ 11:31 a.m.: Damn it. They killed the gorgeous man. Drooling every time he came on screen was the only reason I managed to get this far. Lame.
I mean, it'd be fine if the rest of the movie was just his corpse, but obviously they moved on. What a waste.
🗝️ 9:11 a.m.: I'm going to spend the day watching all the terrible horror films I can get TOTALLY LEGALLY WITH NO PIRATING AT ALL BECAUSE PIRATING IS VERY VERY BAD AND I DON'T DO THAT. I don't know if I can find any worse than the ones I've already seen, but I hope to find one that's incredibly hilarious because I need something to laugh at.
🗝️ 9:06 a.m.: Do grown women have nothing better to do with their lives than make fun of and abuse autistic boys? Seriously, what the fuck.
🗝️ 7:27 a.m.: There's a bunch of things I end up writing here, only to delete. I think I'll just dump them randomly.
🗝️ 6:00 a.m.: Nevermind. I realized that having this site is the only thing keeping me mildly sane while I'm not able to get my medications changed. I'm fairly certain if I didn't have this to vent or distract myself, I'd start believing 5G causes coronavirus and get arrested for burning 5G towers. Or I'd just run onto oncoming traffic. Either one is very likely.
🗝️ 3:35 a.m.: I think I'm going to disappear for a bit. I don't know. Maybe not. I can't deal with this anymore. I might be back soon.
🗝️ 2:19 a.m.: I want a priest to fall in love with me, but there's a lot of problems with that.
🗝️ 7:46 p.m.: Why did God abandon me
🗝️ 7:10 p.m.: I swear, I'm getting stupider the older I get. I was smarter than I am now when I was 6 years old. It frightens me that it's impossible for me to stop it. I'm helpless. I can't do anything on my own, but there's no one to help me. When there is, they're only using me for something/trying to hurt me. I want him back. He was the only one that ever took care of me.
🗝️ 6:49 p.m.: I can't take this anymore. But I can't kill myself right now, so I don't know how to cope until I can. I'm out of drugs.
🗝️ 6:14 p.m.: I want revenge. No matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of the anger.
Tried to write it out, but I deleted it. I don't know.
It always hurts. I couldn't stop sobbing last night, despite all those pills. I couldn't even stand with how much I took, yet I was still so sad. I just laid there for hours sobbing. The pain never goes away.
🗝️ 9:51 a.m.: I just woke up and I'm still high. I'm going to try to finish that matcha shrine.
🗝️ 1:58 a.m.: My soul hurts.
🗝️ 12:24 a.m.: I've been thinking about how great of a time it is to go missing. Because of COVID-19, they can't organize big searches for you. You're not likely to be found for quite a while. I think if they never found me, it'd be better because they wouldn't have to spend a lot of money on me. Bonus if they can't waste money on searches.
🗝️ 12:05 a.m.: I feel terrible, emotionally. I've managed to sleep more than I ever have in my entire life the past... two days, I think? I woke up constantly, but I felt so terrible that I forced myself to go back to sleep so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I kept having nightmares, but they were honestly better than being awake. I want to overdose.
🗝️ 1:54 a.m.: Okay, I'm done with Artbreeder (for now). I have to go obsess over religion.
🗝️ 1:38 a.m.: First one is how I'm feeling right now.
🗝️ 1:33 a.m.: Wasting time on Artbreeder again. What a lovely site.
🗝️ 1:15 a.m.: The worst that can happen is I have a psychotic episode. I'm physically safe (unless I do something to myself). So, I'll most likely be fine. Just annoying.
🗝️ 1:13 a.m.: I didn't remember the pproper dosaeg and I think I may have took too much, so I'm probably going to be delirious. I'm fine right now, just want to vomit and my nose burns.
🗝️ 1:04 a.m.: 150, 3.
I think I made a big mistake. Well, I'll find out in an hour or so. I want to vomit.
🗝️ 7:51 a.m.: I'm exhausted. I want to go back to sleep, but I can't because I need to finish my Monster first, or else it'll go to waste. Wasting Monster is a crime !But I'm too tired to even drink it. I don't even want to write this, but I've spent the past 20 minutes laying here trying to make up my mind on if I should just sleep now or get myself to finish the Monster, so I thought writing this might help me decide. I guess I'll finish it. Then I can sleep. Why is this such a big deal to me.
🗝️ 3:25 a.m.: I woke up at 8 p.m., but went right back to sleep. I feel like I slept forever. I'm a lot calmer now, though, which is good. Probably because I'm high, but whatever.
🗝️ 1:39 p.m.: Took the pills. Hopefully be sleeping soon. I've never liked to sleep much because of nightmares and there's monsters that try to hurt me when I'm sleeping. But I really want to sleep now, to stop thinking, stop hurting for a little bit. Deal with the pain the aftermath when I wake up.
🗝️ 1:22 p.m.: Maybe I can maybe find a priest who'll let me live him. I like priests. I trust them. I'd like to hide out in a church and have a priest take care of me. That'd make me happy. But that's probably not realistic, right? Why would any priest want to hide some disabled boy. Because they're holy men? Yes, they are. I wish I was that pure. I admire them.
🗝️ 12:45 p.m.: Everyone is out to get me. I think my family might know this site, but I'm not sure. I can't be sure. But sometimes I think I am sure, and I panic. If this site disappears one day, it's probably because I believe my family checks this site to hurt me, so I deleted it.
I'm tired of this! I hate living in fear! I hate not being able to trust anyone. I can't even trust my own brain! I CAN'T TRUST ANYTHING. And I'm being monitored. I'm certain they installed security cameras and microphones to watch me, to watch me. And the worst part is no one ever believes me or takes me seriously. You can hurt a schizophrenic as much as you want, and you'll get away with it. As long as someone is diagnosed with schizophrenia, they will never be trusted. It's all in your head, they say. Then they fucking lock you up and mistreat you before throwing you back into a dangerous place. NO HELP. EVER. We're alone, all alone. No one cares. No one will take care of you. And you can't take care of yourself either, because your brain is against you. I want to escape, but there's no where to run to. Where am I supposed to go? HE'S DEAD. The other one left me for dead! A friend's? I have no friends! I literally have NO friends! Not like someone who has a bunch of friends but says they have none because they don't feel they can be open with them, I mean literally no friends. I am isolated. I don't even have online friends. I don't have acquaintances. No one ever talked to me (I don't blame them). I'm alone. Alone, alone, that thing. I don't know anyone who's not my family besides my sister's boyfriend, and he's just as bad as them. I can't stay at a friend's. Live on my own? No, I can't. I'm disabled. I'd need a caretaker, which I won't get, because Mother is against me moving out anyway. It's funny (it's not funny) how she never takes disability seriously, until I mentioned moving out, and then she told me, "No, you can't live on your own! You can't take care of yourself, you can't do anything. You need me." (Like you help me at all...) Where would I get the money to move out? How would I even begin that? I am not intelligent enough to even understand basic math, I couldn't do that, no, no.
The forest? Never an option. Hey, I might hate myself and want to die, but that doesn't mean I will readily accept any death. I have standards. Getting mauled to death by a bear is NOT a good way to go. And that's being generous anyway. With the area I live in, I'd most likely get kidnapped and spend 20 years as a sex slave by my pedophile neighbour before I get a chance to be mauled by a bear.
Suicide is the only option. but I can't kill myself right now and it's destroying me. I want this to be over already! I'm so impatient! I wish all my previous attempts worked. But they didn't and I have continued to suffer. Nothing ever gets better. Maybe for some people, but not for me. My only oppurtunites... one is dead and the other left me for dead! I have no more options! I'm doomed!
I'm so scared. I'm not a strong or brave person. I'm terrified! I'm so so scared! I'm scared of everything! This will be forever! Being locked up in a psych ward, where no one ever believes me or even helps me (they hurt me), and then sent back home! And then sent back to the psych ward again! Being tossed between the pysch ward and home every few months, for the rest of my life! I don't want that. I'm so scared. I wish I had someone I could trust. I never will. Why did he leave me? I want him back. He promised to save me but he lied and he left me when I overdosed. I'm so sad and lonely and scared. Everyone I love leaves me. Everyone I trust betrays me. I hate existing. I want to die.
🗝️ 12:28 p.m.: I have made the mistake of exposing myself to content that made me feel... beyond terrible. Full of rage and sadness. I've said this before, yes, that I'm wearing a garbage bag on this site. I don't hide the negative aspects of myself or my life. But even still, there are some things I can't bring myself to talk about on here. I have this to vent, let my thoughts out, and yet I can't do that completely. I'm still censoring myself. Some of it is due to safety concerns (I've had online stalkers/harassers/pedophiles that have caused irreversible damage and I'm trying to avoid them finding me at all costs. I feel even mentioning that I've had online stalkers will cause them to find me, so I'll probably edit this later and delete this part). But a lot of it I just can't bring myself to talk about, knowing that some people can read it. But that's the whole point of it, right? That it's not as public as other social media, but I'm not screaming directly into the void. That maybe someone can read it and understand me. But these things are so terrible, I can't have anyone knowing. Things I haven't told anyone. Ever. At all. I want to be able to share these things, but I can't. I can't even bear thinking of these things! I hate having to acknowledge these things! I try to do everything to distract myself, but it's everywhere. I can't avoid it. It's what I live in. I want to be as honest as possible. That's always been the only trait of mine I loved, my honesty. But me being honest must be just a lie, because of the things I can't share. Damn it.
I'm so fucking exhausted of the things I have to bottle up, but I can't let them out. I'm going to break soon.
🗝️ 11:20 a.m.: Okay, I'm done with the Majora's Mask shrine. Not happy with it, but whatever. I need to work on the matcha shrine now (I'm obsessed with matcha). Then I can create the ghast shrine and cry over how cute ghasts are and spread ghast propaganda!
🗝️ 10:44 a.m.: I'm trying to work on the Majora's Mask shrine, but no progress is being made. I'm not happy with anything I'm doing with it. It's frustrating. I'll probably just give up and leave it for another day. I want to make a ghast shrine, but I feel like I have to finish the rest of the shrines before that.
🗝️ 10:19 a.m.: One of my biggest pet peeves are people who say cats don't love you. That's just wrong. Not as in a bad opinion, but research has shown that cats do love their human companions. Telling someone that their cat doesn't love them is honestly cruel, in my opinion. Pets mean a lot to people. You're an absolute rotter if you tell someone their pet doesn't love them. It's even more infuriating when people try to "support" the claim that cats don't love them by comparing them to dogs! How much of an idiot do you have to be?? Cats and dogs are entirely different animals! Of course they show their love differently! What flawed logic! It's the exact same as comparing bunnies to dogs. Different animals, different behaviours. It should be obvious.
It's a pet peeve, though. Not a big deal. Just irritating and makes me want to slap them.
🗝️ 10:02 a.m.: I think I've finished the shrine for The Innocents. I'll update it in a few minutes.
🗝️ 3:39 a.m.: I should make a shrine for ghasts!!! WHY HAVEN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT YET???
🗝️ 3:22 a.m.: Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this. I get angry easily (although it's gotten a lot better from when I was younger), and I hate it. I hate being angry. Nothing good comes from it. Humans won't change no matter how angry I get at them. All I can hope for is humans to wipe themselves out soon from their own idiocy. Nuclear war would probably be the most efficient at wiping out humans, but I don't like the damage it'll do to the planet and innocent animals. But I hope I'll be gone before then so I won't have to think about all the poor animals and be sad about it. Nobody can know for sure how it'll happen, but it's definite humans will not exist forever, and that makes me happy.
But I need to think of something happier to get rid of the anger. I'm playing Minecraft right now. Minecraft makes me happy. It's a great game. I'd go as far as to say Minecraft is one of the best video games ever. No matter what type of "gamer" you are (or even if you're not a gamer at all), there's something for you. For me, it's mobs. I love hoarding pets in Minecraft. I always have a thousand cats and dogs in my worlds. I have to tame every tamable animal I see. Farming would probably be my second favourite thing to do. I don't know. It's boring to most people, so they build automatic farms, but I like the good old manual farms. I love to plant and harvest crops. It's peaceful. I'm not fond of redstone, building, or fighting. Mobs and farming are my main thing. I want to like building, but it's hard. I suck at building things in Minecraft. I don't like it because it frustrates me. Redstone is cool, but it's also way too frustrating for me. I can't wrap my head around redstone.
My favourite thing about Minecraft though is definitely the Nether!! Especially with 1.16!!! The ghast is my favourite mob. I'm super happy that you can now "live" in the Nether with 1.16. That's probably where I'm going to spend most of my Minecraft time once it releases. The Basalt Delta is my favourite biome. Its music is great, too!
🗝️ 2:58 a.m.: I genuinely believe abortions should be mandatory and everyone should be sterilized. There's no reason to reproduce. It's disgusting. It's abusive. It's the worst thing you can do to another human being. I used to say sexual abuse was the worst thing you could do, but then I realized it's actually reproduction. Because if a person was never born, they would've never been sexually abused in the first place. Every bad thing that happens to a person is solely the fault of the parents. You're the abusive twats that decided your selfish wants of a child was top priority. And it doesn't make any sense at all?? What about all the children already existing that need parents?? Go fucking adopt them instead.
🗝️ 2:40 a.m.: I am glad I will most likely be "truly dead" before humans start "removing Autism" with CRISPR or whatever. I'm sure if I were still here for that, I'd kill all humans. I hate humans so much. I hate allistics so much. Humans are the only species that can understand doing these things are wrong, but still do it anyway. Humans need to die out already. Not only is reproduction abusive, as you're forcing someone to live in world that will only harm them (to make it worse, we are not given the right to painlessly and peacefully kill ourselves for free, despite not having a choice in being born), but humans do no good to the world. The planet would be better without us. Innocent animals suffer because of us. Humans were a mistake.
Oh, and since I brought up not being given the right to peacefully and painlessly kill ourselves whenever for free, I'd like to mention governments don't refuse this right for "ethical" reasons. No government gives a shit. If they actually cared, they'd allow it, obviously. The only reason we are not given this right is because the government profits off our suffering. Simple as that. You live, they make money. You get fucked up beyond repair, they still make money, as long as you're alive. Don't fool yourself into thinking any government actually cares about anyone. They never do.
🗝️ 1:26 a.m.: I feel a sense of dread. I'm not sure why.
🗝️ 7:48 p.m.: I want to create an asceticism log, but I'm worried someone will think I'm encouraging what I'm doing. I don't think anyone should try depriving themselves of food and water or whatever else. I just have issues with religion that causes me to do such things.
🗝️ 7:27 p.m.: I've been trying to fix my sleep schedule, but it's not working. I ended up falling asleep at 5 a.m. I spent a few hours crying before my brain let me sleep. I don't like having to cry to sleep. I hate that it's the only way for my brain to be quiet.
🗝️ 2:42 a.m.: All the world is sleeping. I am still awake.
I chose Hell. It is my fault. God made us free, and that freedom allowed me to end up like this. I'm the one that rejected it(?).
I willingly believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful, rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside. I do not mean that the ghosts may not wish to come out of hell, in the vague fashion wherein an envious man "wishes" to be happy: but they certainly do not will even the first preliminary stages of that self-abandonment through which alone the soul can reach any good. They enjoy forever the horrible freedom they have demanded, and are therefore self-enslaved: just as the blessed, forever submitting to obedience, become through all eternity more and more free.
C.S. Lewis wrote that in The Problem of Pain.
🗝️ 2:30 a.m.: I remember the first corpse I ever saw. It was a lady who got in a car accident. She was at peace. No more suffering, no more pain. It was beautiful.
I wish I had that peace, too.
Instead, I'm a ghost. Dead but alive. A miserable creature. This is my punishment. I want to die for good. I don't want to start again. I don't want to come back. No matter how much I pray, I am doomed. A sinner like me never changes.
🗝️ 2:18 a.m.: I'm exhausted. I want to sleep, but I can't.
🗝️ 1:00 a.m.: Madagascar hissing cockroaches are illegal as well, sadly. Everything is illegal here. The government has a single braincell and its spent on maintaining a good image to the outside world.
🗝️ 12:36 a.m.: Mother said it's okay for me to have a pet millipede! I was so happy, but then I learnt it's illegal to buy/sell millipedes. I'd have to go out and find my own in the wild. I'm really sad because of this. I love millipedes so much. I want one so badly. I know I probably should've known that beforehand, but I figured they're legal because... they're millipedes. Why would they be illegal? I only found out because I couldn't find anyone selling millipedes in my country.
Mother is considering letting me get a tarantula because she feels bad I can't get a millipede. That has me excited! I love tarantulas! But even if I did get one, I'd be a bit sad I still can't get a millipede. If I live to 18 (probably not), I hope I can move to another country (but I'd need someone with me/a caretaker, so that's next to impossible) where I can get one.
🗝️ 7:16 a.m.: I will renovate(?) Nekyia.
🗝️ 6:09 a.m.: My bunny is mean. I was going to write how she's grooming my Peter Rabbit stuffie and how cute it was, and then she peed! She's litter-trained, so she knows to not pee wherever she wants. She's just trying to bully me. I can't be mad, though, she's too cute to be mad at!
🗝️ 5:50 a.m.: I put the music player back. I didn't mean to get rid of it, I just decided to take it down until I found a skin for it that better fit the new colours. But I couldn't find one, so it's still grey.
🗝️ 4:23 a.m.: I think I might be slipping again. I can't do anything about it, so I just have to accept it. Being aware of this(?) won't last long(? lucid?), so soon I won't be worried about it. I'll try to keep my mind off it until that happens.
🗝️ 11:24 p.m.: So, I don't know what I should get first... Madagascar hissing cockroaches or a millipede. I love them both a lot! They're both some of my favourites! But millipedes are my #1, for sure. But in the end, it depends on what bothers Mother the least. Even though she'd never see them (they'd be with me in my room), she's told me it still grosses her out. I think the millipede might be easier for her to get used to? I'm not sure, though. I'll have to ask her.
I want to gush about how great millipedes are. There exists no creature on this planet as cute as millipedes (well, bunnies and bats are probably equal). They look incredible when they move, too. If you stare at their legs when they walk (Crawl? I don't know the right word), it's hypnotizing!
Oh, I should make a shrine to arthropods where I can gush about all my favourites! My favourites (in order from most to least favourite) are millipedes, Madagascar hissing cockroaches, tarantulas, and beetles in general. I also love moths and bees. I love most, honestly. Arthropods are amazing.
🗝️ 11:15 p.m.: I saw a cute spider! Happy Lucius! They're so cute, all I want to do is hug them! But you can't do that without killing them... Life's not fair.
🗝️ 7:50 p.m.: I wanted to work on my shrines, but I kept getting some error message every time I saved. And the error message was some html. I don't get it. But I think it's gone now? Well, I'll see if I can save this.
🗝️ 9:11 a.m.: I can't stop creating these horrors.
🗝️ 8:25 a.m.: I found this site called Artbreeder. It allows you to endlessly mix images, creating absolute abominations. I'm addicted to it. It's all I've been doing for the past two hours or so. Here's some of my lovely children.
🗝️ 2:44 a.m.: Ahhh, this is not helping. I still feel like I'm going to vomit all the water out of my body. I'll try to eat an American parfait and pray that it gets my blood sugar up enough to avoid vomiting. I'm pretty sure that's what the medications are doing because it's the same sickness as when I don't eat for days. But I could be wrong, and this won't help at all. Worth a try, I suppose.
Oh, and that's what I've been samefooding. I've only been eating American parfaits, profiteroles, and strawberry mochi. I can't eat anything else. It goes in cycles, the samefooding thing. I'll only be able to eat one or a few foods for anywhere from a week to a month. I can't eat anything else without having a meltdown. Then it suddenly changes and I can only eat a few different foods.
My bunny flopped down on my lap! She's so cute! I could stare at bunnies for hours and be entertained, even if they're not doing anything. Watching them eat is cute, too! I don't know. Just the way they eat is adorable. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED WHEN THEY WASH THEMSELVES. They stand on their back legs and lick their paws then rub their face and ears... Too cute! Way too cute! And they look hilarious when they yawn. Such precious creatures.
Not my bunny, just a random picture from Google, but this is what a bunny looks like when they yawn. Hysterical.
🗝️ 2:23 a.m.: One last vent about my stupid psychiatrist, I promise. This is some of the stupid quackery she has pushed on me instead of actually helping.
The vitamin one was especially bad because of the reason it was brought up. I don't want to get into it, but my mental health issues had my body about to drop dead any moment, and that's all the advice she gave me. No medications. No therapy. Just told me to take vitamins every morning. I personally don't care what would've happened to me, and I'm aware of pseudoscience, but imagining her saying that to someone else in my situation who didn't understand (or just wasn't offered real help) makes me SO ANGRY because of how dangerous it is. I hate her so much. I want another psychiatrist, but I can't get another one right now.
🗝️ 2:20 a.m.: The bruises were from them injecting me and taking blood, by the way. I don't think the hospital staff were beating me in my blackout lol.
🗝️ 2:07 a.m.: I revoke basically all my diagnoses. I don't know if that's possible, but whatever. I say so! I'm just an autistic schizophrenic. That's it. I don't have Borderline Personality disorder. I don't have any anxiety disorder. Depression, maybe. I can see why they diagnosed me with that, but I feel like it's just my personality to be sad. But they say that's part of depression, so that one is whatever. I don't agree, but it doesn't upset me much to be told I have it. But everything else, especially BPD, is bullshit. All the symptoms are literally just part of being autistic and schizophrenic. I feel like my psychiatrist just loves to diagnose. I don't even know if I still have that BPD diagnosis, actually. Because she said she believes I have it, but then after another hospitalization, she said she doesn't think I have it anymore because I didn't throw a temper tantrum during my stay. But then the next hospitalization, I lost my mind completely, so she might say I have it again. The last hospitalization was schizophrenia and being on an incredible amount of drugs, but knowing her, she probably decided I have it again anyway. I was blacked out for the first two or three days of my hospitalization and I woke up covered in bruises and was told I was being a piece of shit during the blackout. And I continued being a piece of shit, making weapons, stabbing things, and screaming. Lol. I feel bad for the other patients because the psych ward I go to is tiny and you can hear everything.
🗝️ 1:58 a.m.: I took my medications and I'm feeling weak and ill again. I'm going to pass out in my vomit again, I can tell. Whatever. I'll just smoke to cope.
I want to have my medications changed, but that's hard to do right now. I apparently have to talk to my doctor on the phone soon to get my injections refilled. And then I'd have to do the same with my
terrible psychiatrist. How does she still have her job... she's literally promoted quackery to me before instead of actually helping me. And she diagnoses and undiagnoses constantly. So annoying. Which I don't really want to do, so I might just put up with these meds making me sick until I can go to her office again.
🗝️ 1:13 a.m.: Mother got a cat where she is. She said she's coming home with her! Yay! The cat is named Coco because it's part of the name of the town they're staying in. But she said it's just a nickname and she wants me to come up with a proper name. Which is... not a good idea. I'm terrible at naming things. For example, one of my original characters is named Cello. And one of my stuffies is named Mr. BunBun. Naturally, I'd say my favourite female names (Alice or Annabelle), but Mother doesn't like pets having "human" names. So, I don't know what to tell her. I kind of want to name her after an instrument, but I don't think Mother would like that.
🗝️ 1:07 a.m.: I wonder why "there're" and "those're" are rarely used. They aren't incorrect, but it's rare to see them being used for some reason.
🗝️ 1:01 a.m.: Whatever. I don't want to be upset tonight. I'll talk about something else, something happier...
Well, I already started that Minecraft world I was talking about. I don't know if I'll make a new one for 1.16 or not. I made this one today just to play until 1.16 releases, but I ended up really liking this world already, so I might just keep this one. I like the spawn. It's the Taiga biome with a village nearby in a pretty spot surrounded by mountains. I decided to make my house in the village. On one of the mountains, I'm going to build a cathedral. Those are all my ideas right now.
🗝️ 12:32 a.m.: We'll never have true freedom when adults can't make informed decisions on what substances they want to put in their own bodies that hurt no one except POSSIBLY themselves. God, I hate that street drugs are illegal. It should all be about harm-reduction. Illegalization causes unnecessary misery. It increases the stigma, so nobody can get help if they want it or need it. It leads to countless overdoses that could've been prevented. And it's just a violation of human rights born out of racism and hatred of people with mental health issues. If people ACTUALLY CARED, they'd support harm-reduction. You can be confident what you're taking... what is is and how much it is. People can be taught FACTS and not biased bullshit that hurts people. Let people know the pros and cons. Teach them how to be safe as possible. But no, instead we'll pretend we care while treating anyone that does drugs (especially those with addiction) as monsters that should be killed or thrown into jail their whole lives for making an informed decision of what to do with their own body.
Next we'll be locking people up for self-harming. Oh, wait...
It also just makes no sense how one of the hardest drugs ever, alcohol, is legal and socially acceptable. It's highly addictive and one of the few drugs that has withdrawals so bad it can kill you. But you can't snort some ket or eat some shrooms without getting thrown into prison for 10 years. There's no logic in this whatsoever. Fuck the government. Fuck the police. Fuck everyone that supports them. You ruined my brother's life and I'll never forgive anyone.
🗝️ 6:38 a.m.: Once 1.16 releases, I'm going to start a new survival world, and I'll make a new page on this site about Minecraft. I'll use it to talk about whatever I'm doing in my Minecraft world and Minecraft in general. It sounds like fun, so why not?
🗝️ 6:04 a.m.: I want to get fucked by a beautiful priest in a church because I am a filthy sinner with an unhealthy obsession with religion due to personal issues. That's all I wanted to say.
🗝️ 12:34 a.m.: Time to hyperfixate on speleology and watch a billion cave documentaries!
🗝️ 12:01 a.m: I feel so bad. So guilty, so embarrassed, so pathetic. I really hate myself. I hate being autistic. I'm a failure. I can't do anything. I'm retarded. And I make life harder for everyone. I should be killed. I'll never be a functioning member of society. I'll always be some childish retard leeching off his mother because he can't live on his own or have a job or do ANYTHING someone my age should be able to do. Mother is literally doing my schoolwork now, because I am so retarded, I cannot do my own work in A SPECIAL NEEDS SCHOOL. That's incredibly embarrassing. And I feel so guilty, too. Poor Mother. She does so much for me and I'm so ungrateful. I always complain about how she treated me and I don't even know if those memories I have are even real or not, because everyone says I'm just delusional and I was never abused or neglected. But I see she has nice moments and sometimes she does really try and go out of her way to help me, and yet I'm so selfish and ungrateful. and she always had to put up with my father too so I feel even more bad about hating her often. I know if I was never born everything would be so much better. I wouldn't have hurt all the people I hurt. My family would be so much bbetter off without me. And society would be, too. There's no place for people like me in this world because I provide nothing to society. I just take up everyone's resources. I hate myself so much and I'm really sorry for everything.
🗝️ 11:35 p.m.: She said she's going to come home whenever the airport is open again. That might be a while, but at least she's not staying away forever.
🗝️ 11:28 p.m.: Ah, I texted Mother about it. I was kind of worried she'd make fun of me for it, but she agreed that what they're doing is stupid and mean. So that made me feel a bit better. She said she'll tell them to stop, but I don't think that's going to work, because she's told them to stop it before. And they keep doing it because they're jerks. But I hope they will listen.
Oh, she just offered to buy me a special place to put my things so nobody but me can get them anymore. That makes me really happy. I hate being this way. I hate being autistic. But I can't change no matter how much I hate it, so I just wish people would respect my needs. Even though I know that it's dumb and I'm a burden. So it makes me happy Mother is understanding me now. She never used to. I don't want to talk about it, but it;s only recently she started to understand I cannot change and respect that. It means a lot to me.
🗝️ 11:18 p.m.: I want Mother to come back home. She's not perfect, no, but she's better than these two. They're only here right now to supervise me because I'm not trusted. Mother has been away for months now, she's in another country. And I just want her to come home and these two to leave. They stress me out so much. I can't handle it.
🗝️ 11:06 p.m.: And they do that with my food, too. I can't eat a lot of foods. I have few foods I'm able to eat. And Mother gives the money to buy MY food because my sister and C are supposed to pay for their own. And yet they will eat my food anyway, that isn't even theirs, that they weren't even given the money for. Mother gives them the money FOR ME because she understands how I am. And they eat all of it. So there's nothing I can eat. I literally just don't eat if my foods not there, so I starve myself and get very sick. They have a whole bunch of food they can eat, but they always choose mine. Oh, poor them, having to deal with the burden of an autistic little brother! It's not like they're going out of their way to make it harder for them and destroy my mental health (they are).
I understand allistics will never understand. They think it's silly and I should "get over it". But after 17 years, they should know that's not going to happen, even if they still don't understand it and think its silly. It's not hard at all to avoid using my stuff. They won't have to deal with me getting upset, and I won't have to deal with unnecessary meltdowns. They are literally choosing to make it harder for everyone. Why? I don't know. Probably just so they can complain and get sympathy because they have to deal with a little brother with "the Autism Disease".
🗝️ 11:01 p.m.: I'm so fucking angry. I stabbed some stuff to try and calm down but I'm still so upset. I hate them. I hate them. THEY KEEP USING MY COMFORT ITEMS. THEY'RE MINE. They're not autistic. They can use whatever they want, while I'm stuck using the same few items only, and I can't handle other people using them. But they continue using them anyway because allistics are terrible people. Then they act like they have it so hard when I get upset even though they're the one going out of their way to make me have meltdowns. I can't change, I'll never stop being autistic, but they can just simply chose another plate or another spoon or another fork or another towel or whatever. ANYTHING ELSE. Since there's so much else, all for them! And these are all I have. I hate them so much. I want to kill them.
🗝️ 9:52 p.m.: I slept instead of doing anything. The first thing I do when I wake up is get high because I'm always impulsively suicidal when I open my eyes and realize I have to face another day. I'm still quite sad, though. Thinking of him again. And how all his family and friends hate me because they think I'm the one that killed him.
And I was. They're right. He killed himself because I was a burden. I don't check his social media anymore because it's not my place. He loved me, and I loved him, but it's not my place anymore. I threw our love in the trash with my selfish actions.
🗝️ 7:09 a.m.: I want to visit Mère et Père, but that's not the best idea right now. I'm fairly certain neither my sister or her boyfriend or I have COVID-19, but I don't want to take any chances. Could always catch it on the way there, too, since they live don't live in the middle of nowhere like us. Honestly, I just want to visit to drink all their alcohol in their bar because I'm trashy. Getting away from C and my sister would be a bonus.
🗝️ 7:07 a.m.: I'm going to dye my overall shorts black. Might put some patches on it, too. I don't know.
🗝️ 6:58 a.m.: Oh, and drinking 2-5 Monster Energy drinks a day and barely eating. And only sweets when I do eat. That's probably not very healthy.
Anyway, I haven't slept. That's not new. I'm excruciatingly bored. I want to go urban exploring today, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'll probably just replay Resident Evil and make more lists on Listography all day.
🗝️ 6:51 p.m.: Popping cancer-causing pills, drinking lean and alcohol, smoking and vaping constantly, and I complain about my shitty physical health. LOL. I laugh at myself.
🗝️ 1:55 a.m.: Okay, no more... no more changing the theme... for at least a month.
🗝️ 7:43 p.m.: This used to be Ju-On "themed", I think, when I originally made this. I'm probably going to turn it back to that (and hopefully leave it that way because I'm annoying myself with how often I change this).
🗝️ 7:27 p.m.: Does it even matter what the answer is? (No.) We never win.
🗝️ 7:20 p.m.: Sounded, looked. I'm an idiot.
🗝️ 7:17 p.m.: "Do we forget to move on, or do we stop caring?"
I forgot his voice, too. I can't remember what he sounds like. I barely remember his face. If I didn't have pictures of him, I'd have completely forgotten what he looks like.
🗝️ 3:21 a.m.: I just got this as an ad. And hey, it worked. I clicked it. Never once clicked a YouTube ad before, so this man's got it figured out.
🗝️ 1:11 a.m.: And there's nothing wrong with admitting you care. I care, that's why I decided to write that.
🗝️ 12:56 a.m.: How do you say you "don't give a fuck" when all you do is whine about people having slightly different opinions than yours. Reality is that if you state you don't care often, it's because you care. If you truly didn't care, you wouldn't care about having people think you don't care. You'd just ignore it.
🗝️ 9:09 p.m.: I feel very weak. It's hard to breathe again. Not a panic attack but the strange "tired lungs" thing I talked about before. Breathing takes so much energy. I want to get some tea, but I can't stand.
🗝️ 8:30 p.m.: Watching The Wingnut Blazeup and I wish I was as high as these two women we're currently focused on.
🗝️ 5:55 p.m.: I've been wanting to have the theme of this be Konosuke Mori (from The Laughing Vampire by Suehiro Maruo), but then it'd be monochrome. I love monochrome, don't get me wrong, but my Tumblr blog is already monochrome. So shouldn't I use this to have something different? What I really want is to have this site be a greyish-purple (don't know the colour name), but it's hard to find suitable graphics. The main thing is the "icon", or sidebar artwork, whatever it's called. I don't like using random artwork I see. I always check to see if the artist says use for icons with credit is okay or if any use isn't allowed. Finding artwork with the colour I want that is OK to use is hard.
🗝️ 5:02 p.m.: When we were in the forest yesterday, C found something (I don't know what it is). Some type of metal that he said is great for making blades. He said he's going to make me a knife with it. I'm excited. I used to collect knives until they took them all away from me for being "insane". I've been waiting to restart my collection!
🗝️ 4:39 p.m.: Seriously? I thought the monitoring was close to stopping, but apparently they randomly lost all trust in me again and they're watching me take my meds. It's weird. It's my prescription meds, antipsychotics and antidepressants, they aren't recreational in the slightest. And they only give me my dose, so it's not like I'd overdose. But they're forcing me to take my meds in front of them again. It's not like they're trying to get me to take them and I don't want to. I asked for them. I have no idea what they're doing.
🗝️ 4:32 p.m.: Oh, nice. They were out this morning and C got me a bunch more shells.
🗝️ 4:17 p.m. I can't stop crying.
🗝️ 5:24 a.m.: Yes, okay, fourth or fifth day awake now. Neat. Hope that means when I finally pass out, I don't wake up for a week.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of everything. Every day is the same. Feel miserable. Nothing gets better. Won't change because it can't change, my situation or myself. I know I need to be admitted to the psych ward, but I can't. I don't imagine it's even open with this COVID-19 stuff. And honestly, I don't want to go back there. Been there... like, what, five times in 2019? Once already this year. Almost twice, but I managed to convince them to not admit me after I was forced to the emergency room for no reason. So... I know already that it doesn't help. They just keep you prisoner for a week or two so you can't kill yourself then. But as soon as I'm out, I'm attempting again. What other options are there? Therapy? No. They closed my damn case because Mother refused to bring me to therapy. And again, not like that matters any since it never helped. I've been dealing with this literally my ENTIRE life, I know there's no hope. Nothing for me.
I know Mother said she's planning on sending me to some group home. But that's going to be the exact same as the hospital psych ward. Unhelpful. If anything, makes it worse.
I think I might've done too much. My organs are hurting a lot. It'll go away soon, but it's annoying. I'm feeling really impulsive right now. I want to just leave the house and head to the bridge. I'm not going to, though. Not right now. Plus, I couldn't. Whatever the fuck I did to my body is hurting my organs a lot. I can't really get up and walk around, much less take a leap.
I wish I could sleep this away. Can't. Can't sleep. Not tired. I think I'm going to go take some random shit for funsies. Actually, you know what'd be nice right now? Ambien. Ambien's hilarious. I don't have any, though. Ugh. I need something to do. Actually, I think I might be able to sleep now. I'll try. If I can't, I'll just go lay on the floor and cuddle my cat or something.
🗝️ 5:05 a.m.: Need a bottle of whiskey and some heroin.
🗝️ 4:55 a.m.: I still love you. Sorry I keep saying that. I don't know what love is. Right? Because that's not how you treat someone you love. But I love(d) you. I feel so empty. Even after all this, when I think of you, it's only to wallow in self-pity. It's never actually about you. I don't feel bad for you. I feel bad for losing you. I feel bad for never having you. All about me, always. Always, always, always. Does it even matter? I don't even hear you. I should be able to, shouldn't I? Why can't I hear you? You should talk to me. You've never talked to me even once since you died. What the fuck? Why can I hear others, but not you? Were you even real? Probably not. I'm just a lunatic.
🗝️ 4:43 a.m.: She told me I felt the least alive out of them all. I agree with her. I'm the deadest "living person". Blood is pumping inside of this rotting corpse. Punishment for my sins.
🗝️ 3:18 a.m.: Dang it. 4/20 is supposed to be a happy day, but here I am being negative again. I'm going to try not to post anything negative for the rest of today. If I do, I give permission for anyone that might be reading this to beat my face in. I won't press charges.
🗝️ 3:13 a.m.: Let my entire site here be a warning to NOT end up like me. I'm the exact opposite of a role model. You know, what people point to when they say, "Don't do ___, or you'll end up like this." If there's any good that can come from me constantly complaining about my life online, it'll be inspiring others to not end up like me. Shit's not worth it. Talk to someone. Look after yourself.
🗝️ 3:04 a.m.: Short timeline was basically: 12 years old, started abusing prescription drugs. They weren't recreational, but I abused them as a form of self-harm because of how sick they made me. 14 years old, became an alcoholic. Sobered up for a brief period when I couldn't get any more alcohol, but ended up relapsing later on. 15 years old, alcoholism SUPER bad. Became a stoner (not a bad thing). 16 years old, started the benzos and the opioids and a bunch of other stuff. Literally never sober. Went to school fucked up and brain-dead. Continued until December for the reason I mentioned below this. And now it's just smoking and sometimes alcohol when I get my hands on it.
🗝️ 2:42 a.m.: Hm... Probably going to pop some bars later. But these ones are prescription! I haven't touched benzos since December. They're my DOC and completely destroyed my life (be careful with benzos, they're one of the hardest drugs, one of the only drugs that have withdrawals that can kill you, they're not something to screw around with). I overdosed on them and some other stuff, I think it was alcohol and some opioids, and was hospitalized. So that's why I haven't been on them. Not by choice, just being monitored constantly. The thing is, I have an EXTREMELY high benzo tolerance so I'd have to take all of my script at once. And they'd know without a doubt I relapsed. But honestly... screw it. I need them. It's been so long without them. I want to blackout again and be a zombie.
They hide them in their bedroom, so I'll just sneak in later to get them.
My experience with addiction is best summed up as constantly alternating between these two mindsets:
1. Drugs took everything away from me. I’m just waiting for drugs to finally take my life.
2. Drugs make me so happy and inspired and a better person and are literally the only reason I’m alive.
🗝️ 2:16 a.m.: C is probably going to make weed brownies today, and I will eat them ALL.
🗝️ 2:14 a.m.: JOEY YOU PROMISED ME METH AND KET FOR CHRISTMAS BUT WHERE DID YOU GO JOEY
Happy 4/20, by the way. Greatest Holiday.
🗝️ 11:53 p.m.: One of my stupidest dreams is to go on a freight-hopping journey with someone. Just run away from the world, jumping from trains to different towns. Smoke weed and watch the world go by together from some uncomfortable freight car. No longer trapped. Just to be free, you know? And you have to have that risk that comes with freight-hopping, or else it wouldn't be truly freeing! Doing it alone wouldn't be fun to me, though. That's why I want to have a friend with me.
I want to feel like a person.
🗝️ 11:41 p.m.: I don't know how long I've been awake for. Three days?? Four?? I can't keep track of time. I can't sleep.
🗝️ 9:48 p.m.: I am genuinely enraged at this woman for how she treats the dead. I want to curbstomp her. I hate people that disrespect the dead. Cemeteries aren't your playground to be an edgy sociopathic twat that vandalizes graves to get invisible Pinterest clout. Rot in Hell and stay away from my friends.
🗝️️ 6:44 p.m.: So, not to sound like a stalker, but I saw that man I was talking about a few days ago. The boy who treated me kindly in school but changed schools before we could become friends. I saw him, yes. But he didn't see me. I only caught a glimpse. We were speeding down the road past his house and I saw him hanging around the side of the road in his yard. I couldn't see what he was doing well, but I think he may have been gardening. But that made me happy anyway! He's still here... I hope maybe I can get back in touch with him. Before it's too late.
🗝️ 6:18 p.m.: It's gotten so bad again, C had to bandage both my hands. But there wasn't proper tape, so it's probably going to fall off soon, oops.
Lots of BAD, but at least my bandages are pretty cute, yes!
🗝️ 5:18 p.m.: I'm back home now. Not much actual urban exploring (abandoned buildings) today. Mainly just ran around the forest digging up trash. My older sister found a deer skull and I found the shotgun shell that shot it. I found a lot of shotgun shells everywhere we went, actually. I also found a nifty little antique razor blade. I plan on making art with this random junk I find in the woods. Dolls, mainly. I want to make the weirdest dolls ever with all this trash!
I don't have many pictures. I have a few I took on my phone of this car, though (and moss). Again, walked a long way to find this. We met some EMTs along the way with their cadaver dog.
I LOVE moss. It's sensory heaven. So soft. So pretty. SO TASTY. I've never actually eaten moss, but it looks tasty!
The trunk is a decent place to sleep. I don't know. It just looks cozy to me. I love small spaces. I want to just chill in the trunk.
🗝️ 10:13 a.m.: Going to spend the day urban exploring again. Oh, and I forgot to mention this when I posted the pictures a while back, but there was a kitty (grown cat) hanging around the abandoned farm. I didn't see him, but C did. He said he looks well-fed (so probably an outside pet of somebody in the area), so that made me happy. I don't like seeing sad animals.
🗝️ 9:13 a.m.: It's changed again. I'll probably change the theme/colours every now and then, but I think I'll stick with this layout. I wish I could just decide. Oh, and I added my Discord in case anyone needs to contact me for some reason. It's the only way to contact me because my DMs are turned off on Tumblr.
🗝️ 11:15 p.m.: I want to change my site again. I can't decide what I want. I'm annoying myself with this.
🗝️ 10:08 p.m.: Nevermind. I don't know what I was thinking. It's impossible for me to run away. I'm trapped and doomed. I want to die.
🗝️ 9:34 p.m.: I don't have any friends I can stay with. He's dead, so our old plan isn't an option. I live in the middle of nowhere, so unless I want to get mauled by a bear, I'll need to run away when I'm in the city. I don't know when that'll be. I don't go to the city often, especially with the pandemic. I might try looking online for a stranger that'll let me stay. I highly doubt there's anyone who wants a random disabled boy leeching off them, but it's worth a shot, right? The only people are probably going to keep me as their sex slave, actually. Maybe not a good idea. But I might end up trying it anyway because I'm desperate.
🗝️ 9:33 p.m.: I think I might run away soon. I don't know where to. I just need to get out of here. I want to escape.
🗝️ 9:17 p.m.: I'm equally angry at the world and mself.
🗝️ 3:33 a.m.: I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud.
🗝️ 3:30 a.m.: I miss my bartard days. When I blacked out for days on end, only having vague memories now and then of destroying my life and the people I love. When nothing ever hurt because the pain couldn't reach my zombified brain.
🗝️ 3:27 a.m.: Never high enough. I don't want to be concious.
🗝️ 3:12 a.m.: I miss you.
I'm starting to be able to listen to our music again. I'm glad.
10:34 p.m.: It's interesting how people online think I'm not autistic because I can type. I've been seriously told that before, by grown adults. And it always blows my mind. Do a lot of people think like that? I'm actually severely autistic. I mentioned this before, but everyone in real life thinks I have an intellectual disability (my autism is a disability but it's not an intellectual disability, they're different things) because of how low-functioning I am. I cannot speak properly. I cannot use keys. I cannot use buttons or zippers. I struggle with doorknobs. I cannot open bottles, containers, etc. I'm constantly stimming in "socially unacceptable" ways (rocking, humming, biting, hitting myself, chewing and sucking on everything). I cannot understand "basic" concepts like "basic" math or how to read the clocks that aren't digital (I don't know what they're called). I can't stand or sit properly. My sensory issues are extreme. Everything is a ritual and I get suicidal or homicidal whenever someone distrupts it.
I don't understand how typing somehow erases all of this. Typing (or writing) is pretty much the only way I can properly communicate. If you were to talk to me in person, there's a decent chance I wouldn't be able to talk at all. And if I could, you probably wouldn't understand me. Stuttering. Incorrect words/grammar/phrasing. Inability to pronounce most things. Repeating the same words over and over. Repeating whatever you said over and over. And then having a meltdown when I get upset I can't talk.
This makes me want to vent about... those people. You know, the allistics that self-diagnose themselves with autism because they fetishize us. See some pretty stimboard on Tumblr and decide they're now autistic and they can speak over us. Just because you're shy or stim doesn't make you autistic! It makes you like every other human being in this world! These types of people, while they self-dx themselves and fetishize us, they go out and abuse actual autistics to the point of suicide because, well, they're actually autistic. We actually have autistic traits. Especially autistic boys and men. It's so disgusting. Predatory. That's why I prefer allistics that treat us poorly but don't self-dx. They're still terrible, don't get me wrong, but at least they're not fetishizing us.
Autistics have to deal with life-long abuse. Every single day. And that's on top of the stuff our brains trouble us with, like sensory issues, meltdowns, cognitive dysfunction. I hate these people so much! So insensitive. Just because you find eye contact awkward does not make us the same! How could you think you're a good person when you equate your "silly quirks" to the abuse we face?? I've literally been to the emergency room for extreme pain, and got made fun of SO BADLY by the HOSPITAL STAFF for being autistic that I went home because I decided the extreme physical pain was easier to bear than the fucking nurses' abuse. Every psych ward I've been to, I've been made fun of by the staff for being autistic. I've been physically and emotionally abused by multiple teachers for being autistic. I've been bullied by students for being autistic. I've been treated terribly by my family for being autistic. EVERYONE TREATS AUTISTICS TERRIBLY. And those were just some of my experiences, a lot of other autistics have experienced WAY worse than I have for being autistic! So we have every right to hate these rotters.
Oh, and don't forget we have to deal with being told being autism is a disease that needs to be cured. But it's impossible for autistics to be themselves without being autistic. So we spend our lives not knowing who we "really" are or what is this "monster named Autism". That's a terrible thing to experience. And some of us will realize that autism is inseperable from us, but we still have to deal with everyone saying autism is a disease. And promoting "cures". Promoting genocide. Telling us we need to die and our existence is wrong. There's giant organizations deemed "progressive" and "altruistic" internationally that are literally devoted to killing us all. All possible outcomes an autistic can experience from this are miserable.
That all goes for schizophrenia too, the whole self-diagnosers fetishizing schizophrenia but then abusing schizophrenics until they kill themselves. And also, do they understand what schizophrenia even is? I mean, obviously not if you believe self-diagnosis is valid, but do they know the most basic definition of schizophrenia? You can't tell if you have a psychotic disorder because YOU'RE PSYCHOTIC. YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FICTION AND REALITY. That's not to say you can't have a psychotic disorder and spot a hallucination, you can, but that requires actually being diagnosed, being on meds, and a bunch of stuff.
Okay. I'm done being angry now. I don't like to be angry these days. It makes me feel petty. Being angry is just... a waste. Nothing will change. People will always be terrible. But still, I wanted to get that out. I'm going to go make some tea then come back to write something more positive to get my mind off this anger.
4:08 p.m: I'm still feeling ill and weak. I can't stand or walk. But it's much better than it was this morning. I know I'm going to vomit again later if this doesn't stop. This happens often when I don't eat for a day, I think it's low blood sugar/hypoglycemia? But I ate enough yesterday to not get this sick, so I think it's my antipsychotics this time. Every time I take them, I get sick like this. I don't know why. I don't think it's a common side effect.
I know I should eat to get my blood sugar up, but I can't. Just thinking of eating makes me want to vomit.
7:30 a.m.: Ugh. I woke up an hour ago and felt extremely sick. I tried to go get tea then, but I couldn't because I was too weak to stand up. I ended up collapsing and laying on the floor for 10-15 minutes before I crawled back to my bed and fell asleep. Then I woke up again and immediately vomited 10 times. I didn't eat anything, so it's clear. Gross. What a lovely start to the day.
5:52 p.m.: I feel much better now. I don't know why I've been feeling happier these past few days. Whatever the reason is, I know I'm going to crash hard. But I'll ignore that and just enjoy the little happiness I have at the moment.
I said I was going to get back into a schedule today, but I slept and messed everything up. I'm going to have to start sleeping "normally". But it's hard when I have no reason to be awake in the day and I prefer the night. I'd have no problem doing my schedule at night, but since I'm never alone now, I can't or I'll wake them up.
4:30 p.m.: ON TOP OF ALL THIS, MY FATHER IS TEXTING ME. WEIRD STUFF. AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM CAN HE GO BACK TO DRINKING OR SOMETHING I WANT TO FORGET ABOUT HIM I DON'T WANT HIM IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. HE'S UPSET THAT I'M TEXTING MOTHER AND NOT HIM. WTF??? NO SHIT I'M NOT TEXTING YOU, YOU SCUMBAG. WHY WOULD I.
2:36 a.m.: I'm crying. They're calling me to the cemetery. I want to visit, but I can't right now. It'll have to wait until the sun comes up. But it's overwhelming. I want to lay on the cold ground and listen to what they have to say. I love being around the dead. It's home. Happy tears thinking about it.
1:16 a.m.: I believe I've been here three times. Now/the present, during the 1880s, and the early 20th century. I died somewhere between 6-13 years old in both those lives. I don't believe in reincarnation, so I have no idea why I'd be reincarnated multiple times. And I don't know what I've been doing for the time I wasn't here. I hope that this "life" is my last and I'll finally be at peace.
I don't remember much about either. I do remember more about the 1880s, though. I know for sure I was a pianist. I remember playing the piano a lot.
I think the most likely answer to why this happened is... punishment. I have no idea what I did that was so terrible I've been dropped into this cruel world three seperate times just to suffer, but I'm fed up. I want to die for real! No more of this!
1:01 a.m.: I don't believe I've mentioned this yet. A few months ago, I found what I believe may be my grave. I don't know for certain, so I'm not going to make any claims. I'm also not going to give any specific details about it. I don't want to upset any potential surviving relatives. The only thing I will say is that it's in the Cimitero Acattolico. I want to find out more... but again, I don't want to upset any surviving relatives (if there are any). I might search the archives.
I'm feeling rather good tonight, but I'm still a bit bothered by that nightmare. I'm scared of losing Mimikyu. I won't. He's always in my arms. But what if he gets destroyed accidentally!? I think I'd kill myself if I ever lost him. I won't lose him, though, no, not happening, never. Never ever!
5:38 a.m.: It's all my fault. If only I wasn't so retarded, my life could be better! But no, that's not how it worked out. I was just some weird autistic mute that got pulled out of class twice a day for mental health checkups. That constantly cried in the back of the class and cut myself when the teacher was teaching. That was made fun of for being autistic. And he was a random beautiful boy with a heart of gold, that would approach me repeatedly. Nothing but kind to me. Complimenting me. Asking me how I was. Giving me gifts. AND IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT BECAUSE I'M AUTISTIC. IF I SPOKE, MY LIFE WOULD'VE BEEN COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, FOR THE BETTER. I could've become friends with him... responded to him... but I couldn't. And because of that, we didn't keep in contact when he left. Even though he clearly wanted to be friends, I didn't take that chance. And now I'm all alone. And I want him back. I want another chance! I want another chance! I want another chance! I WANT TO START ALL OVER AGAIN. I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE.
4:52 a.m.: NEVERMIND I GAVE IN TO MY STALKERISH NATURE AND CHECKED HIS PROFILE. (Well, it was his mother's since he doesn't have one.) I actually never checked it before. And holy crap. He's so hot now, what the fuck!? He's a giant too! He used to be smaller than ME (hard to believe, I know!), and now he's super tall! A STUNNING MAN. I LOVE HIM AND I WANT TO MARRY HIM AND I WOULD CHERISH HIM FOREVER IF HE WAS MINE. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO CREEPY AND OBSESSIVE I NEED TO QUIT THIS HE'S A STRANGER I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS. I hate myself, ugh. Someone slap me.
4:36 a.m.: I kind of want to kill myself for his attention. This area is so small, if I were to kill myself, I'd without a doubt be on the news. And I want him to know. I want to be sure he thinks of me. God, I'm fucked up, aren't I? A terrible person... But I can't help urges like this. Why am I obsessed with this boy I haven't seen since I was 16?? I remember people that are kind to me because it's rare. I need to just let it go. But I want him to remember me and think of me and care about me and come back to me and we can be together forever.
There Lucius goes, acting like a stalker again. But I don't stalk him, actually. I've never looked at his online profiles. And I won't because I'm going to grow up and let this go.
4:29 a.m.: In one of my old schools, there was this boy... He was sweet to me. Everyone ignored me, but he was so kind to me. On Valentine's, he gave me a gift basket... No one else, only for me! I had a crush on him, but he changed schools before I got the chance to become proper friends with him. But his mother was my bus driver, and she'd tell me about how he talks about me often. And she said that he asks how I'm doing constantly. Ah, I miss him. He was precious.
I wonder how he's doing now. I hope he's alright. I think he still lives around here. I kind of hope I'll run into him again one day and become friends.
4:14 a.m.: Crying again. I cry about 5 times a day. I cry myself to sleep, always. I'm such a stupid crybaby. I've always been this way. I can't stop crying, even in public. I got made fun of it, for crying in class and the halls constantly. I can't hide my sadness. Even though it's so embarrassing... I'd like to never cry again.
There's a positive to it, I guess. I can sob quietly now, since I had to learn to keep quiet when sobbing at night. That's useful.
3:50 a.m.: I'm not happy anymore. I'm not happy often, and when I am, it's short-lived. And it means that once it wears off, I will feel even worse than usual. My happiness is a warning to myself, I suppose.
I'd like to sleep, but I'm restless. I want to go for a walk. Too dangerous, though. Don't get me wrong, I don't have many self-preservation instincts, but I'm not a fan of being mauled by bears or raped. Those things aren't much fun. But oh man, what a nice night... I want to go for a walk, smoking and listening to music.
2:05 a.m.: Oh, and C's mother! One of the treats she gave me are these cake-flavoured chewing gum. So yummy! They have sprinkles in them!!! It's all I've been eating. I love sweets. I am very happy tonight! Happy and high, yes! I saw some pretty things! Lucius is a happy boy!
2:00 a.m.: My bunny! She came to sit on my lap and lick my hand. That's so unlike her! But it made me really happy. Ahh, I love bunnies! They're such wonderful creatures!! Furry marshmallows!!! Until they stretch, then they're a furry loaf of bread! CUTE! CUTE CUTE CUTE!
11:42 a.m.: I don't remember anything that happened. I woke up, but I don't know when I fell asleep. I can't remember anything. I feel terrible, I know that, though. I feel like I took a bunch of tramadol (I didn't). Whatever. I tried to eat something a few minutes ago and I want to vomit. I want to go back to sleep.
Don't read it if you can't handle rape, though.
I'd do anything for a big brother.
I don't watch any shows that aren't horror. And even then, I don't watch many shows. I prefer horror film.
This one is most accurate in clothing (and carrying a stuffie). Nothing else resembles me, though.
I didn't find many with my hairstyle, which I find odd since it is not unusual. And no facial piercings!?
It's going to rain soon. I'm happy. Rain makes me happy.
RE4 doesn't need a remake, but I'm still all for it just because I need more of Leon in high quality graphics. It doesn't matter if it's just to make money. I am a brainless gay. I can only think of Leon. Take all my money, Capcom, you can have it. Just please give me more Leon, I beg.
10:20 p.m.: You can't say you hate pseudoscience yet support chiropractic. I swear, do people even know what chiropractic is? It's unscientific. Scams people, abuses disabled people (especially disabled children), and can permanently damage or kill people. Abuse will never "fix" autistics or any other disabilities. Rot in Hell.
9:42 p.m.: It works. Some don't, though. None of the YouTube ones work, for some reason. But I'm leaving them up in hopes maybe they'll start working one day. And even if they don't, there's a chance someone might be interested and search up the track or artist on their own, and that makes it worth it. I want my favourite artists to get more attention and support.
6:43 p.m.: I wish I knew a way to have a music player on my site that doesn't autoplay. I don't like autoplay. I remember a music player I used to use on my Tumblr blog, but I don't if it'd work on here. I'll try to see.
I just noticed the sidebar image isn't aligned to the left. I'll fix that later.
5:45 p.m.: C's mother... She gave me a gift for Easter, some sweets. It's strange. I've only met this lady once. And oh Lord, it was terrible. I sat at another table all by myself crying because I couldn't handle sitting with them. I was also non-verbal that day and unable to speak, so that made me feel even worse. But she kept calling me cute. I don't understand this, but I appreciate it. I never say no to free sweets. Thank you.
2:31 a.m.: I didn't go to sleep. I got sad again. Then I became numb after I cut again. But then I got sad again. So then I cut and became numb again. And now I'm sad again, so I will just go to sleep for real this time. I'm tired of being sad. I wish I could just be happy. Whatever... I'm exhausted. I'm going to pass out. I hope I have a pleasant dream tonight, at least.
12:48 a.m.: Ah. Second time cutting since I relapsed the other week and I already need stitches again. Can't get them though for obvious reasons. Bt I'll be fine. I've had lots of cuts requiring stitches that I didn't get stitches for. They scarred terribly, but other than that, I was fine. But there still is a high risk of infection, as always. I'll just have to be careful since I don't have any gauze left. Exposed gaping cuts it is. It's interesting how you don't feel cuts this deep. It's actually shallow cuts that hurt more because of more exposed nerve endings. When you get to this level, you don't feel it until it starts to heal. Then it's annoyingly itchy and a bit sore.
I feel much better now. I've needed to do that for a long long time. Eh, I want to do it more. I know I should stop now, but it's hard to stop. I feel happy and have a break from the pain so I want more and more. I don't want the pain to come back. I'll just go to sleep, then. I'm tired and I think I can sleep good now.
I'm sorry. It's too late for that, far too late. But I repeat it over and over, every single day. I can't get over the guilt. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry I was such a burden. I'm sorry how clingy and dependent I was on you. I'm sorry I got jealous over you talking to anyone but me. I'm sorry I acted like we were in a relationship when you told me you would date me if the circumstances were a bit different. You told me you liked me. You knew I liked you back. But you made it clear you didn't want it, and yet I acted like you were mine. I'm sorry that I thought we'd eventually get together, because we made plans to live together, and I thought that meant it'd happen. I'm sorry for blowing up when I found out you were fucking that girl. I'm sorry for constantly making you worry about me killing myself. I'm sorry for that time I was fucked up on hard drugs and thought you hated me when you politely asked me to stop doing something, and so I overdosed. And you thought I was dead, so you overdosed too. And we both almost died together. But we both lived. And I promised you then that I'd stop doing drugs. But I kept relapsing and overdosing and it kept hurting you. And I'm sorry for dumping my heavy bullshit on you constantly despite knowing you were dealing with much worse. 4 dead friends in a year. Dead father. Abusive family. Drug addict. But I prioritized my feelings over yours. How can I say I loved you when I treated you like that?
It's all my fault. I'm a monster. I deserve all this pain, I know that, yet I want it to stop. I guess that makes me even more of a monster, huh? Knowing that I'm a terrible person, yet still refusing to accept punishment. I hate myself so much.
11:07 p.m.: I want to help you. I can hear you, you know? No, you don't know... What am I to do? I won't do anything. There's nothing I can do. I wonder if you were to read this, would you know I was talking to you?
I don't care much for living humans, it's part of my autism. I care about you, though. You're a stranger, but you remind me of him. I hope you don't end up like him. I wish the world treated you better. I wish you didn't believe you deserved this. If you ever read this, please know you're not alone.
11:02 p.m.: It's hard to breathe. This happens often. I don't mean it's hard to breathe as in an anxiety attack or something lodged in my throat. What I mean is that my lungs feel exhausted. That if I wasn't forcing myself to breathe, my body would simply stop. I'm not sure what causes it. I don't feel upset when it happens, no negative emotions. I think there's something wrong with my lungs. But that shouldn't surprise me, huh. Guess all the smoking is starting to catch up to me.
10:22 p.m.: I cannot get over how bunnies are so round, but also so long. What's up with that. I mean, I know what's "up with that", it's pretty simple anatomy. But still, it blows my mind when I look at my bunny sitting, and she's a circle. Then she lays down on her side and she's 10 stadiums long. Wack.
9:29 p.m.: The current sidebar artwork is making me wish I had purple hair again. Purple is such a lovely colour, isn't it? But I only stick with black hair now, so I won't dye it purple again. I don't want much colour in my appearance. That's why I love it when my skin goes grey, it happens often. I hate my eye colour, too. I haven't been wearing contacts because things happened (I don't wear glasses, so my eyesight has gotten much worse in this time and I have a hard time reading my computer unless I'm super close to the screen). But after I get a new prescription for contacts, I plan on getting coloured ones. Well, uncoloured ones, I guess. They have prescription grey/black contact lenses that I want. I think it'd make me feel a lot better about my appearance. I hate my natural hair and eye colour so much.
I need to decide which ones I want. Black or grey. Grey would seem more natural, but I kind of prefer black because I don't want an "iris". I'm bad at wording things, ugh... Like, I do not want a coloured iris. I would like to look like I just have some giant pupils. Hm. I think I'll just start off with grey, so when I start wearing black lenses, it won't be as jarring to the people around me. Have to warm people up to my gradual transformation into a stereotypical possessed boy from a horror film.
I don't like my teeth, either. I want shark teeth. And my tongue, I want a split tongue. But only one of those is possible (split tongue). I may be an idiot, but filing down my teeth is too idiotic for me!
I always hate how people think that my appearance now is "outrageous" and "for attention". And especially the appearance I want/will have. I know it's unusual and stands out, but I don't want it to. I want to look like this because it's what feels right for me. It's what makes me confident in my own skin. I want to be able to look however I want and have no one bat an eye. I don't want to go out in public and have people stare at me. I hate it. It's not nice. I want to be treated like anyone else.
8:13 p.m.: Hilbert has shown us the truth. Thank you, Hilbert.
Oh, I have decided to change this site again. I am undecisive. And this time, it will be even harder to read! I bet you thought that wasn't possible!
2:15 p.m.: Speaking of my septum, I want to stretch it badly. But I can't because my sweet spot is too small... If I were to try to stretch it, it'd dent my cartilage. It sucks because my septum is tiny (16g).
1:33 p.m.: Ugh. I don't think my father ever molested me (it was other people), but I have this memory of something that happened one morning when I just woke up and he thought I was sleeping. And it makes me think maybe he did something. It wasn't even that bad compared to the stuff I know I've been through, but it still makes me feel so damn gross. HE STUCK HIS FINGERS IN MY FUCKING MOUTH. I pretended to be asleep because I was scared, but I wanted to murder him so badly. He didn't do anything else. Just left the room after that. I cannot think of any reason that's not sexual why someone would do that.
12:20 p.m.: I'm leaving again. I don't know if there'll be any abandoned buildings we can explore nearby, but we're going to the roadkill dump. It's this field full of roadkill. It's covered in bones, you can't walk without stepping on them. There's always both carcasses in extreme decomposition and some that are fresh. I already know a lot about thanatology, but I like that I can make my own experiments and record things down there. It's not human corpses, sadly, but it's still interesting.
I'd like to visit some cemeteries, too, but... I have no more flowers at the moment. I'd feel guilty if I visited without leaving a gift of some sort.
1:40 a.m.: You ever see a man so gorgeous it makes you start crying? That's what I'm currently experiencing. Why did God make men so beautiful? It's the only good thing God has ever given us. It's unlike God.
Men with long hair are my greatest weakness. Doesn't matter what type/style of hair. Natural colours or unnatural colours. Straight, messy, curly, wavy, dreads, whatever... All perfect.
11:40 p.m.: Maybe when "I" had that organ failure and coma, that was me possessing this person? They never found out what caused it, so it's a possibility.
I don't remember it (obviously), so I want to ask Mother more about it, but I'm scared to. I'm kind of scared to ask people questions because I have a lot of bad memories related to asking questions. An example being the first and only time I met my father's parents. I asked his mother what colour her car was and she immediatedly hit me. I don't know why. (That's actually the oldest/first memory I have.) Or when I asked my father if he killed anyone (he's a veteran of ~30 years). So I'm too anxious to ask more about it... but I need to know more to figure out what I am.
Speaking of my father, I haven't seen him for a while now. It's nice. I hate him. He's a scary stranger to me. I am worried now, though, that Mother has been gone to visit him. I can't do anything if he's hurting her. I mean, I could never do anything to stop it, but still. It's worse now because I can't even call the police if it's ever necessary! They're on a different continent! And I KNOW she's not safe. She told me that my father "got better", but he hasn't, I know that. Because when they were still home, I continued to hear it going on. And when I called her last month, she answered the phone crying. And I found out something that makes me know for a fact she's not staying with him on her own will now. I don't mean staying from guilt. It's something I know she crosses the line at.
I need to stop thinking about this.
11:20 p.m.: A couple months ago I learnt I was dead/a ghost, but I didn't know exactly that meant. I still don't. I've been trying to figure that out... Is this the afterlife, Hell? Or was I reincarnated as punishment? But I came up with a new theory a few minutes ago.
What if I'm possessing someone? That makes sense... It makes a lot of sense, actually. But I don't know if it's true or not. If it is, don't worry, I'll leave you as soon as I figure out how to. But I might kill ourselves before that happens, haha. I should look for an exorcist.
11:03 p.m.: I wish your mother swallowed you.
10:39 p.m.: I'm so tired of praying, begging, to this 'God' I don't even believe in. There's no one to save me. Everything hurts, and it'll always be this way.
7:20 a.m.: It stopped!
It'll come back, though.
6:36 a.m.: Hm, yeah. Three days. Probably going to be four. I've never actually stayed awake longer than four days. I have a feeling it'll be five with how miserable I've been feeling lately.
I was happy that the snow was almost completely melted, but it's snowing right now... Ugh. There's a winter storm alert. At least it's pretty to look at. I just don't like the snow because it's bad for my skin condition and sensory issues. Watching the snow fall on this dark morning is nice despite that.
The wind is not bad yet, thankfully. I'm not looking forward to when it picks up. Our power will probably go out, too, which makes it worse for me... Wind is scary. Time to charge my Switch.
3:58 a.m.: I wish I got to go to your funeral.
I still think of you every day.
I love you, Brother. I hope you've finally gotten what you wanted and deserved all your life. I hope you've found peace now.
2:25 a.m.: Oh, and he was tall. He was 6'2 and I was (still am) 5'0. My head was at his chest. He was my big teddy bear!
I said I was done talking about him, though, so I'll stop now. Another topic... Uhm, Listography? I'm currently working on a list of little things that make me happy. It's nice. I'm going to create another list about my favourite Monster Energy drinks.
1:55 a.m.: My last ex, his sleeping pattern was much worse than mine. He had severe insomnia and would stay awake for a week or so. He was always exhausted.
Ah, I miss him. He was perfect. Well, until he wasn't, but I don't want to think about that right now. He gave me hope for the future. He promised me he'd kidnap me and we would get married. He promised me that he'd never let anyone, except himself, hurt me. We had a suicide pact. He seemed like my soulmate. Both obsessive and had a definition of love most view as controversial. Both into extreme BDSM and had the same views/opinions. He was violent and got into fights a lot. He would tell me all about how he wants to torture and murder me. He loved guns and I loved gunplay. I loved it all.
I suppose I miss who I thought he was/how it was in the beginning, not him himself. Because when I remember how it ended, I despise him. Everything was a lie.
But whatever. I don't want to feel too suicidal tonight. I'll go get high instead of dwelling on it. I'll come back shortly to talk about something that makes me happy.
1:46 a.m.: It must be terrible to be a dog. Imagine having such a powerful sense of smell and living with gross humans that fart in your face. Yuck.
Two days awake currently. Probably going to three days again. Will I ever learn to sleep like a regular person? Probably not. It always weirds me out when I see people make a big deal out of staying awake until 1 a.m. or something... I go 2-4 days without sleep all the time. Then I sleep all day and stay awake for another 2-4 days. Repeats forever.
10:58 p.m.: My cat is here on my lap! Gosh, I love him so much. He's a Maine Coon. He's longer than my torso and weighs 21 lbs/9 kg. He's the cuddliest cat I've ever met, too! He literally chases you and constantly wants attention. I can't remember what it's called, but he has some condition that makes his face look different. It also affects his brain in ways that seems like a cat version of autism. It sounds dumb, but that helps me cope because we do share a lot of traits. Oh, and he snores SUPER loudly (it's caused by the facial deformities from his condition). He's a healthy cat, though!
Mother rescued him (she runs a rescue). I remember when he was a kitten. He was at our house because we were fostering him. We didn't plan on adopting him. He was kept in my room with me, and at night, he'd come chomp on me (playfully). It was cute but really annoying. We ended up loving him so much that we kept him. He's a happy healthy kitty now despite his condition!
Oh, and he plays my piano. I'm not exaggerating. He jumps up to sit on my piano bench and paws at the keys. There's never catnip on there or something else that'd intice him to do that. He's just special. Even more like me! A pianist kitty with cat "autism" (I know cats can't have autism, but that's really what it seems like).
10:01 p.m.: A lot of the things most people find scary aren't scary to me (often it's attractive). But I'm terrified of things no one else is. Take my extreme fear of toddlers as an example. I can't even see a picture of a toddler without freaking out. Wind is another one... I'm scared of wind. So despite being obsessed with horror, it doesn't scare me most of the time. The things that scare me are usually in "feel-good" media. I appreciate horror for other reasons.
9:49 p.m.: There's hope for you, Stranger. I don't know many things, and I don't know you, but I know this for sure.
9:45 p.m.: The day I decide on an icon is the day I make Mother proud. (That's never.)
5:13 p.m.: I don't know what happened. How has it been this long? My phone was speaking. Not a virtual assistant, it was a real human voice and my phone was turned off.
2:32 p.m.: Vasile is broken. I need to take him to get repaired. I miss the ticking, it was what calmed me down and helped me sleep peacefully. I had to shake him to get him to start working, which means he was already faulty, but now he doesn't tick! Well, he'll tick for a few seconds, but then he stops. Poor Vasile (and poor me).
2:08 p.m.: Whoops, I accidentally linked the credit for the jar pixel on /index in the wrong place. I fixed it now.
When I returned back to Neocities, I deleted the 404 page, and I regret it because I can't figure out how to get it back! I tried creating a new file with the same name, but it doesn't work. So my 404 page is the default and it bothers me.
1:44 p.m.: Blackstone is what I've needed all the years I've been playing Minecraft for. I'm going to have to rebuild my wither cathedral with blackstone once 1.16 is released.
The ghast is actually my favourite Minecraft mob, but it's a wither cathedral because it's in a gloomy town that worships the wither. The citizens are undead mobs.
12:40 p.m.: This site is now hard to read and 100x uglier, but at least it's my two favourite colours!
I'll go back and decorate the pages a bit later.
11:14 a.m.: I've been working on a different design for my site. It'll be changed later today.
6:57 a.m.: WHOOPS. I tried to call Mother, but while the phone was ringing, I realized it's 3 a.m. where she is. I hope I didn't wake her up.
6:21 a.m.: Just a reminder to not purchase bunnies for Easter. Bunnies are NOT suitable for children or for anyone that wants a cuddly pet. They are NOT "starter pets". They're very different from popular belief. Bunnies DO NOT belong in hutches outside or cages despite what cages in pet stores may have written on the box. (Don't trust pet stores at all when it comes to bunnies, actually. They spread harmful info/encourage animal abuse because it makes them money.) They should be free-roam. They need lots of room to exercise. Keeping them in a cage is animal abuse. Most bunnies are not cuddly and they are very shy. You have to be patient and quiet around them. They should not be picked up unless necessary. They shouldn't be bathed unless advised by your vet (they keep themselves clean and washing them can kill them). They should never be tranced, it's not "cute", it's animal abuse. Oh, and you should get two bunnies if you're not going to be with your bunny constantly, but make sure they're fixed.
Don't get a bunny without doing a lot of research and being absolutely sure you want one. They live for 8-12 years, so you best be commited to them. Never release your bunny outside if you decide you don't want them anymore. Domestic bunnies are not wild rabbits, they cannot survive.
I really hate that these "Easter animal" sales exist. They need to be banned.
4:56 a.m.: The track for the Basalt Delta (and Soulsand Valley) is great as well.
4:46 a.m.: Basalt Delta (the new Nether biome) looks fantastic! I love it SO MUCH!
3:24 a.m.: I know RE3Re has been getting a lot of hate, but I really liked it. I don't mind the reused assets because I think they did a good job with it. Seeing how RPD got to be the way Leon entered it was neat to me. They could've completely half-assed the station, but they put in those little interesting details. That being said, it was disappointing in quite a few ways. I wish some of the areas weren't cut out and that they took this chance to improve more of the flaws of original RE3 than they did. If it was longer, that'd be nice too, but I wouldn't want that if it would just be tiresome filler which it probably would've been due to the game being rushed.
Not as good as RE2re, but still pretty good, I think.
1:47 a.m.: What is this? Sometimes I realize how out of touch/uninformed I am on popular culture and people my age. I feel like an 80-year-old man in a nursing home.
9:53 a.m.: Carlos' line, "Now here's a weird fuckin' door," is stupidly hilarious to me.
4:16 a.m.: I've been making lists on Listography, and one of the things I'm doing is filling out those questions that were popular on Tumblr (they might still be popular, I don't know). It's fun and relaxing to make lists. It gets my thoughts in order and helps my fragmented sense of self.
2:26 a.m.: When I was 12, I had a dream where I met a mummified corpse. He bestowed upon me the role of the Prince of Death. I don't have spiritual ideas on dreams, but I feel different on that dream only. He was right. The psychopomp is my true father and a friend.
That dream was interesting. I don't know why I was there, or what my intention was (I believe it was mindless), but I was in a large undiscovered cave. There were these thing(s) that I had to kill. Something was telling me I had to kill them for some reason. And after I did (it was tough) was when I met the mummified corpse. It wasn't an ornate tomb. He was all alone in this cavern. I had a conversation with him, but I'm unable to remember most of it. I do remember when he told me I was the Prince of Death, though. That stuck with me.
I believe the mummy was mummified naturally and not embalmed.
1:45 a.m.: I'm too open about the disgusting aspects of myself and my life on the internet, I think. Forget wearing a shirt with stains in it, I'm wearing a garbage bag.
1:36 a.m.: It's okay, I can never understand if I'm joking or being serious as well.
1:18 a.m.: I'm on too many stims again. I've been very weak today (yesterday) and wobbling when I walk, and the stims have made it worse. But I'm happy! I think I'll post a lot here tonight/today(?).
12:24 a.m.: Somebody searched my room and took my blades. As soon as I find out who did it, I will get my blades back and use it to slash their throat.
Just kidding, please don't arrest me. I'm a good boy.
12:00 a.m.: Sometimes a cloud of purple fog(?) appears. You can grab handfuls of it, and if you swallow it, you can speak to the dead.
8:58 p.m.: I'm fairly sure someone on here knows my Discord. It's not that big of a deal, it's just surprising because it's a server for a relatively unknown YouTube channel (that I believe we're both in). Small internet, I guess.
4:06 p.m.: Read everything I write in a monotone voice because that's probably how I'd speak it, no matter how stupid it is.
6:01 a.m.: I'm trying to sleep, and I hear this deep laughter from the corner of my room and a loud clock ticking (I don't have a clock). I'm not scared, but I am annoyed. Let me sleep, Brain, please.
12:38 a.m.: I don't think this is likely, but just in case someone sees the entry about urbexing today and decides to try it out themselves, be careful. Don't just run into an abandoned structure if you haven't done it before. Do a bit of research. You're most likely going to be safe if you're just visiting tiny houses, but there is real danger. Abandoned mines and drains are some of the most dangerous abandoned structures to explore, so definitely don't explore one if you don't know what you're doing. Most of it is common sense, I think. If a staircase is rotting away, don't climb it. If the floor looks like it can't hold you, don't stand on it. If the ceiling is collapsing, don't go inside. Watch out for nails. There's also asbestos and black mold. Some places have a lot worse than that (underground is especially bad). Having a respirator is a good idea, but it's probably not going to be necessary most of the time.
And it's illegal. There's nothing morally wrong with it (in my opinion), though, as long as you're just exploring. If you have to destroy something to get in, don't enter. Don't vandalize anything. Don't take anything unless there's a good reason for it (like saving cat pictures from idiotic preteens). There could be security. I'd only risk entering a place with a security guard if the place is VERY large (which it probably is if there's a security guard), but if you're confident in your stealth skills, go ahead. Kind of obvious, but if there's security, don't go when there's snow on the ground (unless it's snowing and your tracks will be covered). This is rare (I think), but there have been incidents where property owners set traps that can seriously hurt you.
Depending on where you are, wild animals might be a threat. But that's not likely... Wild animals keep to themselves. They don't seek out humans. Oh, and humans could be a threat, but again, not likely. Squatters exist. Most of the time, squatters are peaceful. Just let them know you're not a cop and you're just exploring. Ask if they want you to leave. The only humans you should probably be worried about are gang members. Don't go into places that are tagged.
Don't go alone, but also don't go with 20 people. Make sure someone who's not with you knows where you are in case something happens and you can't get help.
It's funny because I don't follow 90% of this. But I don't care much about my life and I love doing self-destructive things, so don't take after me.
11:26 p.m.: This is such a cool project!
10:47 p.m.: THEY'RE HERE!
And this album... I could cry. This album is important to me. It was the album that opened up the door to a bunch of amazing music that influenced me greatly. It was the first I've heard of Virgin Babylon Records. To finally have this album in my hands, physically here, makes me super happy! Nothing but love for Virgin Babylon Records and these musicians.
8:40 p.m.: I'm home now. Today was a good day! I got a lot of urban exploring done. There were unpleasant things, though. I kept stepping on patches of snow that seemed normal like the rest, but instantly fell down into a puddle of mud or water that was hiding underneath. My shoes were soaked and I'm surprised I don't have trench foot. I also spilt a gross drink on myself... But other than that, a good day! Here's a bunch of pictures I took with my phone.
First structure. I didn't go inside because it was very small. I could see from the door all that was in it: nothing.
My sister's boyfriend, let's call him 'C', spotted something way out in this deforested area. We weren't sure it was, but we decided to walk all the way there anyway, just in case it was something. We had nothing better to do. It was an old car.
Next was a farmhouse with a bunch of barns behind it.
Their cat... Cute, huh? I'm not one for taking things from abandoned buildings, but we couldn't leave this here. If we left it, it'd get destroyed. It's too precious. I think in this case it's probably best to take it home because you can take care of it for the previous owners instead of letting some stupid kid come along and destroy it.
This family really liked puzzles. There's a giant puzzle on this table, and the floor was covered in puzzle pieces.
There was nothing down there.
The glass wasn't from me, by the way. I don't support breaking into abandoned buildings. I only enter if there's a way to enter, whether it be an open door, window, or a hole. But someone punched out all the glass from the door, and that's what this glass is.
Outside, the farm buildings. We had a lot to explore, but most of it was empty. The little house was the most interesting thing.
C noticed something behind the farmhouse that I missed at first (there's trees blocking it). It was a pool! This big pool for this tiny house. I guess that's where all their money went.
I went to an abandoned bus next. After the bus, I went to an abandoned mill, but I don't have any pictures. Then I went home.
Abandoned buses are my favourite after abandoned cathedrals/churches! My idea of fun is sitting in an abandoned bus smoking weed and listening to gothic rock.
There was a bunch of trash outside the bus. Spotted this cute old typewriter.
Apparently someone lived in this bus (which is obvious), but they died in there.
To end this spam (this page will probably load very slow now, whoops), here's some random photos of Mimikyu in the locations I visited today.
And that's all!
12:29 p.m.: Writing this on the notepad app on my phone as I'm currently out. It's nice outside. I live in the country, by the way, so I'm not at risk of catching/spreading COVID-19. I visited the abandoned cemetery and gave flowers. Now we're just in the farmland/lakeside looking for abandoned buildings.
Oh, just saw some lovely deer! I love deer. You see them all the time out here, but it never gets old. I have a fond memory of hanging out my window, smoking weed, and a herd of deer grazing by me. They were right there, a few feet away. It was nice.
11:06 p.m.: Oh, and I'm back on my meds. I'm not hoarding them anymore.
10:55 p.m.: I'm super sensitive to artificial lights. It's caused me meltdowns my entire life. It's never gotten better. But I'm also afraid of being completely in the dark, so at night, it was terrible... (I stay awake at night and sleep during the day, it's been that way for years.) Night lights weren't enough, so I had to keep my room light on. And the room light hurts and gives me meltdowns. But then in December, I finally found the solution... red lights! RED LIGHT IS MY SAVIOUR. It lights up the room perfectly and it doesn't hurt. The only artificial light that doesn't cause meltdowns! So I have a lamp with a red lightbulb that I keep on all night. In the day, the light from my window is fine.
It's really made a difference. It's calming. I think it's calming for bunnies, too, so that's a plus!
10:43 p.m.: I love Australians. They are great.
10:15 p.m.: HE IS SO SWEET I LOVE HIM AND I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR THIS MAN.
5:24 p.m.: I like the theme of the vent page. I want to make it the entire site's theme. I don't know.
4:25 p.m.: Oops... I forgot to do my injection on Friday... I'm just going to do it now and hope I haven't made a huge mistake.
1:54 a.m.: I have many things to finish on this site, but I don't want to. I want to edit this site, yes, just not what I need (or should) do. Hm.
8:18 p.m.: I made it. It's linked on the sidebar image on this page only.
6:16 p.m.: I want another place to vent. This feels too open, I don't know. Maybe I'll make another page for certain vent "posts" and link it on this one only instead of putting it in the dropdown navigation.
6:30 a.m.: I despise you. You're infuriating. You're heartless, cruel, and dishonest. I literally worshipped you. I prayed to you every morning and night, it was routine. I had a shrine for you. You called me your servant and punished me for misbehaving. You'd tell me about how you want to torture me and send me to Hell for being a sinner.
And I loved it so much. I was happy with you. But you were a liar. You were never a god... just a piece of shit that took everything from me, then left me all alone during an overdose. If there's any justice in this world, you're going to be the one rotting in Hell.
I think of you often. I think I still love you. I want you back.
I hate you.
6:20 a.m.: I want to hide from myself. I can never escape myself. I'm always in his sight. I don't feel like a person.
6:11 a.m.: Okay, I'm scared. Why did I do that... What made me think that was a good idea!? I don't want to be punished. I want to hide.
There's nothing to hide from, really. I'm alone here.
6:03 a.m.: I can't stop shaking. I don't know why. I can't tell if I'm cold or if I'm scared. I think it might be both? Either way, I want a hug. And to cry.
3:33 a.m.: I want to add something, but I don't know what.
9:17 p.m.: They don't want me.
6:02 p.m.: Nothing is real.
5:48 p.m.: I hate you. I want to kill you. Leave us alone.
5:30 p.m.: Changed it back.
3:26 p.m.: I can't finish this. I'll do it later.
I've been feeling very bad. I'm going to go cry.
3:22 p.m.: It hurts a lot. I'm having trouble breathing.
1:44 p.m.: I'm probably going to change this to my favourite colour, purple.
5:30 a.m.: Cold. It's hard to do anything because I'm too cold and weak. I can't feel much.
I wish he was here. I want a hug.
4:37 p.m.: Deleted those entries for safety reasons.
12:47 a.m.: I went off somewhere for these few minutes. Something happened. I got really upset and opened this up to vent, but I don't know why I'm here. I can't remember.
Might remember in the next few minutes and come back to whine.
12:42 a.m.: I'd like to go through this whole month without hearing anything about "Autism awareness". Please, Lord, can you make this happen?
I'm tempted to go into a rant about how much I hate these people, but it makes me way too upset, so I'll try not to.
9:45 p.m.: If your love stops at death, then it's not real love. That's my opinion.
7:27 p.m.: I am... going outside... for the first time in two months... tomorrow.
Because it's time to go bomb everything! With seed bombs, of course. I'm going to be urban exploring to find places I want to work on. I love making beautiful abandoned places even more beautiful by growing flowers and plants there! I'll also be visiting a couple cemeteries.
There's an abandoned cemetery. It's hidden in the forest. I love it there. It's beautiful and peaceful. I want to plant some stuff there.
It does make me a bit sad, though, that there's no one to take care of the cemetery. Or to even know it exists.
But I do. It's my job to take care of it and give them company. And that makes the sadness go away because it's what I love doing. Even if no one else cares, I care, and I can understand the dead. I'm the most suited, anyway.
5:14 p.m.: I just realized that this April doesn't just have 4/20 as in the month/day, but also 4/20 as in month/year.
When I write the date using just numbers, it's DD/MM/YY (01/04/20). I always get confused when I see others write dates. That's why I tend to prefer just writing the date with words, like 1st of April, 2020.
"Just" has to be the most overused word for me...
2:49 p.m.: I hate having to depend on people that hurt me.
2:04 p.m.: Huh? I'm confused.
Whatever. Bunny is being silly. She's eating cardboard instead of her salad.
I feel sad, but I don't know what I'm sad over. Nevermind, I know why now. I want them to leave me alone. It hurts me. I want them to shut up and go away. It feels bad. It sounds bad. It smells bad. It looks bad. I want help. I don't want this. I'm going to have a meltdown.
6:10 a.m.: I can't remember if I've brought this up here, but I claw myself in my sleep. When I wake up, I'm often covered in scratches. Usually it's on my back or my legs. The other day it was my neck, the front.
I think it happens because of nightmares I don't remember. When I'm having nightmares, I might be clawing at myself to cope, similar to how I cut or burn myself when I'm awake.
I've found myself doing other weird things when asleep. Much more weird, actually.
I don't know if I should sleep or stay awake. I'm oddly exhausted, but I'm scared to sleep. I wish he was here with me.
6:08 a.m.: I kept hearing things all night.
I'm really tired.
I miss you. Come find me.
9:43 p.m.: There will be no screamers here for April 1st.
There will never be any screamers on this site or my blog(s). I just know that people like to be rotters on April 1st, so I wanted to state that.
9:07 p.m.: I'm so excited!!
8:56 p.m.: Still wondering when the Queen will die.
5:04 p.m.: It's this month's Wingnut Roundup!! I always look forward to them. Quacks are both hilarious and infuriating, especially since I'm the type of person they try to prey on/abuse.
4:31 p.m.: I haven't read. I need to get back to a schedule. It helps my mental health, to have a rigid schedule, but there's things that have dropped me out of my routine. Stress. Lack of energy.
CRUEL PEOPLE WHO DO EVERYTHING TO RUIN MY ROUTINE BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO GIVE ME MELTDOWNS THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO HAVE AN AUTISTIC LITTLE BROTHER EVEN THOUGH IT'D BE FINE IF THEY DIDN'T PURPOSELY GIVE ME MELTDOWNS I HATE THEM SO MUCH
But I'll try my best to avoid those things. I'll try getting back to my schedule tomorrow.
2:55 a.m.: I'm scared and want to hide.
12:44 a.m.: I feel terrible and I'm crying again. Nothing new. I hate myself.
I want a hug.
But Lucius doesn't get hugs. He doesn't deserve them. I hate him. Instead, he'll cry surrounded by stuffies and hurt himself.
Not even my bunny loves me. I can't blame her or anyone else for hating me. I hate myself so much. I'll never be normal or happy or lovable. I hate myself.
I'm filthy. I want to be pure. I want to be a child. But I'll never be that! I was never innocent or a child. I've always been filthy. My soul is filthy. I can't even describe it as "stained", because there's never been any part of me that wasn't filthy. I hate myself so much.
You never loved me.
And I hate myself for getting angry at you about that. Because I shouldn't ever expect that. I can't even love myself. There's nothing to love.
Everything is my fault. I ruined everything. Nothing good has ever come out of my existence, except for maybe whatever you felt during those times you brought me to the basement. Maybe that was good for you. I don't know. It wasn't good for me, I know that. But that doesn't matter. I don't deserve to feel good. Nothing feels good for me anyway, I take everything for granted because I'm selfish and impure.
Why did you leave me? I had hope when I was with you.
I'm so sorry, Mother. I'm sorry for ruining your life. I hate myself too. One day, you won't have to deal with me ever again. And the world will be a better place. It'll be the only good thing I've ever done. Until then, I'm sorry. I know it's all my fault. If I didn't exist, you could be happy. He wouldn't hurt you. She wouldn't hurt you either. All my fault. It's all my fault.
I hate myself so much and I can't stand myself. Every time I see my reflection, I want to kill what I see. I hate everything about myself. I make myself so angry and so sad and so scared all at the same time. I hate myself.
8:36 p.m.: Mm... I haven't been taking my medications. I'm pretending I am. I'll ask for them and pretend I took them. But what I'm actually doing is just hoarding them, so when I have enough, I can go bye-bye. There's a way around everything! It's going to take a while, though, since these medications are hard to overdose on. I'm going to need a lot.
I don't see the point in actually taking them anymore since it won't get better. I mean, maybe I'll have some more energy, but that doesn't change all the other problems. I don't want to continue suffering and getting hurt. I'm never going to be able to live on my own because I'm too retarded. I'd need a caretaker. My ex was one, but he's an ex. No longer an option. So I'd have to stay trapped with these people who hurt me. I can't escape this in any other way besides dying.
Mother never takes my needs/inability to function seriously. But when it suits her needs, she suddenly understands I'm unable to function/disabled. When it gets them sympathy and attention. That’s when they suddenly recognize I can’t function and tell everyone personal/embarrassing things about me (often lies and then when I point that out I get gaslighted with stuff like, “You’re schizophrenic”, “You see and hear things that aren’t there,” “You don’t remember conversations”) and act like life is so hard for them because they have to “take care” of me, the crazy autistic son/little brother.
I've written on my blog a couple things about this, so I'll just copy and paste them.
I’m still shaken up from Tuesday. I was starting to believe her, but what she did snapped me out of it. I’m back to reality. I can’t trust her. I’m not “being crazy”, she’s just taking advantage of my mental illnesses.
I was terrified. They were all after me. And then when I tried to run away after she had me screaming and crying in the corner, she grabbed me and restrained me. Then they dragged me to the psychiatric ward while they said cruel things. I wasn’t even properly dressed.
I managed to avoid getting admitted again. I mean, I was fine. I wasn’t a danger to anyone, I was just watching a documentary when she came and did that. I saw three different psychiatrists and they all knew I was relatively stable and didn’t need to be admitted.
Now she’s gone. I don’t know for how long. I’m nervous of when she gets back… I tried telling the hospital workers I was scared to go home, but it was either go home or get locked up again. So, I ended up deciding it’s best to go home, but I need to get back to being extremely cautious. I won’t trust anything these people say. I have to focus on leaving this place as soon as possible (although she kept saying I’m not allowed because I can’t live on my own, so I’ll have to get creative to avoid her from losing her shit).
It’s funny (not really). She never takes my disability and other issues seriously. I’m always choosing to not do things/be stupid/be autistic/whatever. But when I talk about moving out? Oh, no! I won’t survive! I can’t take care of myself and I need her help. (Like she helps at all. I’ve always had to take care of myself, and that’s why I’m in such bad health and don’t understand “basic” self-care.) I mean, it’s true I can’t survive on my own without a caretaker, but I’d prefer peacefully dying on my own over dying in this place where I’m miserable in every way possible.
8:22 p.m.: I'm mildly happy but still want to jump off a bridge. I want to go clean some headstones. I avoid going outside when there's snow, so I haven't been to the cemetery/cemeteries since the snow came. It'll be a while until it melts.
I'm not happy anymore. Okay.
4:21 p.m.: These are my favourite Pokémon (in order from most to least favourite):
Mimikyu, Noibat, Phantump, Chandelure, Marshadow
I really like ghost-type Pokémon! And Noibat... well, he's a bat, and I love bats! Bats are one of my favourite animals.
3:54 p.m.: I haven't been this comfy in a while! I don't know what's different today. Maybe it's the hoodie? I haven't worn this specific hoodie in a bit. It's the thickest and most oversized (that sounds incorrect) hoodie I have. It goes down to my knees. And I have a blanket too, so it's even comfier. And of course I have Mimikyu... I always do. I bring him everywhere!! He's always in my arms!
Oh, Mère texted me. She's really nice. She's the only family member I like. Even though she's, you know, old, and therefore stereotyped to be close-minded, I find she's actually a lot nicer and more open-minded than the rest of my family.
Well, after my uncle. I don't think anyone beats him in being a nice person. I always thought he was really cool growing up, but I didn't see him often. My family always hated him and talked badly about him... over things that upset me, like making fun of him for being an advocate of LGBT rights (he runs our area's biggest LGBT thingy, I don't know what those are called) or for being vegetarian. Why would you ever make fun of someone for that?? He's not a militant vegan, so making fun of him for that is just dumb. And supporting LGBT rights... what the heck. But anyway, that never made me hate him, it just made me hate my family more. My uncle is also a musician and super into horror, like me! So we got along pretty well. I wish my aunt and uncle were my parents. I want to spend more time with them. They offer for me to come and visit them all the time, often saying I can hang out in his studio, but Mother never lets me. It makes me so angry.
Mother always puts her stupid petty drama before my well-being. Not just emotional, but physical/medical. Not going to get into it right now, but I'm in terrible physical health because of her.
3:29 p.m.: I'm really happy. I know that means I'll be really sad soon, but whatever. Enjoy it while it lasts.
3:25 p.m.: All cats are kitties to me. I don't care if it's not "correct". Screw you.
1:36 p.m.: I haven't seen the domestic house spider since the 26th. A bit sad, but whatever. I'll manage. Oh, and I woke up to bunny licking my hand. She's so cute. One time when I woke up, she was licking my cheek. Bunnies are the weirdest animals once they're comfortable with you. They also do this thing called "flops", it's what it sounds like. When they're really comfortable around you, they throw themselves on their sides to lay down. It always gives me a mini heart attack because I'll hear a thud and see my bunny laying there on her side and think she's hurt, but she's just relaxing.
They don't make many noises, but when they're happy, they chatter/grind their teeth. It's a bunny's version of purring! The sound is hard to hear, so you have to listen carefully. My bunny does it when I rub her ears.
10:05 p.m.: I'm scared. I'm really really scared. I don't feel safe anywhere. I don't feel safe at home. I don't even feel safe online, on this website or on my blog. I'm tempted to just disappear off the internet, but then I have nothing. What happened last time was terrifying (what could've happened). When she did that to me, she took away my phone so I couldn't call for help. I couldn't text or post anything for help. I was seriously considering jumping out of the moving car to run away and find the police. But then I realized the police would just bring me back. So I stayed. I tried to tell the hospital staff I needed help, but no one took me seriously. And I don't blame them. I looked exactly how she wanted me to look... stereotypically crazy. I was sobbing and they dragged me there when I wasn't even dressed properly. It was so scary. To have no one to trust or run to is scary. Online is really the only thing I have for a slight chance of safety. Because there's a possibility that if maybe something happens to me, someone will know and do something about it.
But online is still really scary. Things have happened online, and I know they're still looking for me. They're going to find me eventually. I'm so scared.
I want to run away from everything, but I can't. I don't have any friends I can go to... The hospital isn't safe either. If I had a big brother, then I'd be safe. I could stay with him and I could trust him. But I don't. I want a big brother so badly. I'm scared.
I hate that no one ever takes me seriously. Yes, I'm schizophrenic, I won't deny that. I know the diagnosis is right because I can tell I have some hallucinations and delusions. But that doesn't mean everything is fake. And no one understands that! Or, well, some do, and they use it against me. That's what my family does. And those people. The rest think I'm lying or everything is just a delusion. Every time they hurt me, it's all in my head. Every bad memory I have is fake to them. I'm alone and trapped. They can hurt me as much as they'd like and it's fine! They can get away with it because I'm schizophrenic!
I'm scared. I want a big brother.
Or death. I'm getting to the point of attempting again beccause I'm so scared of the world and my brain. There's no one to help me. As long as I live, I'll keep getting hurt. I want someone to help me and take care of me and protect me. But I'm never going to get that.
8:18 p.m.: I need a drink and a weighted blanket right now. And a chew toy. But mainly a drink.
8:15 p.m.: I'm highly irritable tonight. Can't handle it. Can everyone kindly stop breathing. That'd be nice.
8:10 p.m.: Ce pula mea
I don't like this person. And also these two are destroying something. They're so inefficient at it. All they have to do is ask, and I'll set the whole thing on fire.
5:49 p.m.: I can't handle seeing bunnies upset. It breaks my heart. I want all bunnies to be happy and living their best lives. Every time I hear a bunny make an unhappy noise, I have an anxiety attack. I've only heard a bunny scream in pain once, and I swear that was probably the most traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. I'd rather get molested again than hear or see a bunny be sad. That's how much hyper-empathy I have for them.
4:08 p.m.: I'm falling back into one of the most miserable phases I've ever had, being obsessed with purity. It's impossible for me to be the innocent child I want to be, but a part of me still wants to try desperately. I don't know... It was both good and bad. Good because it would provide me a few ways to cope with my self-hatred (albeit delusional), but bad because it'd soon turn into me not allowing myself to enjoy anything in fear I'd become filthier. It also makes me become a close-minded jerk. But even though I know the negatives of it, I feel myself falling back into it, and I kind of want to.
So, I want to get back into asceticism. Not completely, though. Only some aspects. I mainly just want to stop eating. I feel so guilty whenever I eat anything, but I've been forcing myself to eat sometimes because... I don't know why, honestly. It doesn't make me happy. I want to stop eating entirely. I want to eat nothing and drink only tea, water, and Monster energy for as long as I can. Sadly, my body can't handle it as well as I used to, so I might have to eat a tiny bit of oatmeal or candy every other day.
I feel like food is filth and eating makes me filthy. But drinks are fine, and I'm not sure why. I cry and cut whenever I eat anything. I feel when I cut, a tiny part of the filth spills out. A very very tiny bit, but it's better than nothing.
11:50 a.m.: I fell asleep briefly and had another nightmare. I can't remember what it was about, though.
My anxiety is bad today. I need to calm down.
1:42 a.m.: Lonely. I'm ashamed of feeling lonely. It's so stupid... I know everyone needs company and that it's a normal thing to want it, but I'm embarrassed.
I'm also exhausted and I want to vomit. I've been praying, but there's no point. Nothing ever comes of it. You never found me. You never will. Probably because you don't exist.
I hate God more than I hate myself, and that's saying a lot.
12:54 a.m.: Si se duc pe rînd, pe rînd,
Si se duc ca clipele,
Si mã lasã pustiit,
Vestejit si amortit
Si cu doru-mi singurel,
De mã-ngîn numai cu el.
Today didn't exist. Hello, I'm here.
The sadness is here, too. Mimikyu as well. He doesn't remember with me. As I said, today didn't exist. We were awake, or something. I update my dream journal. The nightmares are back, so I don't want to sleep, more so than usual.
I feel numb. It's strange. When I feel something, I want to be numb. But when I'm numb, I want to feel something. What sense does that make? And how am I numb if I crave something? So, I'm not numb, right? Well... For the most part, I'd say I'm numb, but there's always a tiny part that still feels. And I want to bring out that part! As soon as I do, I regret it and do anything to be numb again.
Blegh. I hate missing gaps of time. What did I do today? I think I cried twice.
9:39 p.m.: Igorrr released a 1000+ piece puzzle. It's gorgeous. They're going all-in, and I LOVE it. I'm not even into puzzles, but I still want it.
Reminder to wash your hands and not be a rotter that endangers innocent people.
Also, the people who are complaining about some musicians still trying to make money. Uh... go learn some stuff about the music industry, please. Making money off album sales and streaming is hard. Most of the money comes from tours and shows. With COVID-19, obviously that's not a possibility at the moment. And musicians are people that need to live too. So don't get angry at them for trying to pay the bills. I don't understand how people can complain about how they're barely getting by while expecting musicians to be their personal slaves.
8:30 p.m.: Speaking of, this is Romania's rank on this democracy index.
8:12 p.m.: Something I've noticed is that if a country has something about democracy in their name, they're most likely not very democractic.
Take the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as an example. Or the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
6:35 p.m.: Aw... I realized that my "trope list" probably breaks Listography's rules. I'm not sure, but it seems it's a very family-friendly site and you aren't even allowed to use explicit language? That's what the rules read like to me. So I don't imagine listing the tropes I relate to is okay on that site. But I really want to do it, so I'll just add it to /index.html.
6:09 p.m.: So, my sister and her boyfriend came to me and asked me if I kept turning on a light because it keeps turning on by itself. The answer is no, I haven't been. But I love scaring people, so I pulled out some of my "creepiest" dolls and casually mentioned that it might be one of them. I don't think any of my dolls are creepy (I love all dolls and think they're beautiful... no such thing as a creepy doll to me!), but I know other people do, so hehe... The one people find creepiest that I have is a doll from the 1920s. She's a baby doll that's severely damage. Her whole head is peeling. I actually got her with another doll from the 1920s. I was at an antique store, and I saw this beautiful antique doll. I wanted her! So, I got her. She was damaged, but not as damaged as the other one I was talking about. When I brought her up to the cash, the lady was surprised that I was interested in it. She told me nobody wanted it, and that she also had another doll in the back, but didn't put her out because she was too badly damaged. She asked if I wanted that other doll as well. So, I said yes, obviously! I never turn down a free doll!!!!
I'll post a picture later.
But it really creeped them out and it gave me a good laugh. I love spooking people!
5:45 p.m.: I want to update my Listography, but I can't think of any lists. So I've just been using the "explore" button, looking at others' lists, and I found one that seems fun to do! It's describing yourself with those tropes on TV Tropes. I think I'll do that. They have so many tropes on there, there has to be some that I fit in.
5:03 p.m.: I avoid Potterheads at all costs because they always make stupid comments about my name. Haha. Wow, that's funny. There's a character with my name. Haha. I can't believe Lucius is a real name and not just something a writer came up with! Haha.
2:01 a.m.: Since my countdown for the album is over, I need a new goal to live to.
And I have the perfect goal.
This Halloween, of 2020, will be a full moon. That's PERFECT. I need to live to experience that.
I'm going to go listen to the album now, though. Will be updating my music page.
1:53 a.m.: SPIRITUALITY AND DISTORTION IS OUT NOW AND I'M NO LONGER CRYING. I'M GOING TO GO GET HIGH THEN LISTEN
1:37 a.m.: Crying again. Why can't I stop being sad.
12:27 a.m.: I woke up at 10 p.m. and spent two hours just laying in bed sobbing. But now I'm up. I got a snack for breakfast, but I'm too sad to eat. I think I'll just vomit it up if I force myself to eat it, so I might throw it away. I kind of want to try and go back to sleep. I'm really sad lately.
9:36 a.m.: Everyone says Animal Crossing is a peaceful and relaxing game, but I don't trust them. Everyone said that about Stardew Valley too, and that's one of the most stressful video games of all time. I'm fairly certain that the stress and rage of filling my inventory up with only a tiny fraction of my trillion crops to go and sell them just to find out it's Wednesday and Pierre's stupid store is closed has took 20 years off my life. AND HE TAKES CREDIT FOR ALL MY HARD WORK. I'M THE BACKBONE OF THIS TOWN, NOT PIERRE. I WANT TO GO SUPPORT JOJA OUT OF SPITE. TO HELL WITH PIERRE!
I married Elliott, by the way. He's the best. A long-haired, lonely, dramatic man living on the beach by himself? That treats you like a prince? Perfect. Elliott is the man.
8:59 a.m.: Lolcats and doge memes were the peak of comedy and nothing will ever change my mind. These are gold too, though.
6:35 a.m.: It's been about 6 months since I stopped cutting. I relapsed. I feel better now. I've needed this for a long time. I think I'm going to go play Minecraft and get high before I'm sad again.
6:03 a.m.: I'm crying again. Wow, what a surprise (it's not). I'm stressed. I don't want to go into detail, but basically Mother has made a decision that's really bad for me. I have a lot of overwhelming emotions about it. I want to bring it up with her, but I'm stopped by fear and guilt. I'm scared because whenever I try to talk to her, it's bad. It's really, really bad. Last time was traumatizing. I was thrown into the emergency room, waiting to be involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric ward, for acting completely rationally to a situation. I've talked about what happened on my blog, but that specific experience has worsened my mental health so much that I'm crying harder thinking about it and I don't want to go into detail. But what I'm trying to say is there a reason our relationship is bad and I don't trust her. I also feel guilty about the idea of bringing it up because the decision is one that makes her happy. But the decision will worsen my life so much more, I can't take it. I just want to try everything to get her to change her mind. I'll probably end up impusively begging her to stop and then regret it immediately afterwards.
I hate myself so much. It's all because I'm retarded. I hate being autistic. I'll never be able to function like a normal person. I'm so hard to put up with. I feel tremendous guilt and self-hatred, but at the same time, I'm angry at others and the world for not being suitable for my needs. I just want someone to understand how to deal with me. Because while allistics can make little changes that mean nothing to them but will mean the world to me, I cannot change. I cannot stop being a retard, no matter how much I pray or how hard I try. I'm stuck this way. And yet allistics refuse to help. It makes me furious. But also... guilty and furthers my self-hatred. Because I'm an inconvience, a burden to the world. People like me shouldn't be alive. I do nothing but make life harder for normal people. I give nothing, but demand everything. I should be killed for being autistic.
I don't know. I don't want to deal with this. I'm so tired of being concious. I want to die. I just want a break.
Things won't magically get better. I think I'm going to kill myself before she gets home. I can't kill myself right now because I don't have supplies. No weapons. No pills. Everything I can use to kill myself has been taken away. But there's still probably a few months until she returns home, so I imagine I'll find a way within that timeframe. And I'm crying harder already knowing my bunny will be sad. I love my bunny so much and she means everything to me, but I'm so selfish that ending my pain is more important to me than protecting her. I want to stay alive and make sure my bunny is happy, but I can't convince myself to. My selfish nature is more powerful than my love for her.
I really, really fucking hate myself.
5:30 a.m.: Thinking about it, I wonder if maybe being sick constantly could be related to my organ failure? It's interesting to think about because I know nothing about what happened. No one does, really. When I was three, I suddenly had organ failure. I went into a coma for two weeks. Almost died. The doctors couldn't figure out what caused it. I wonder if maybe that damaged my organs somewhat (especially my brain) or if I have an underlying problem.
5:19 a.m.: I probably would have it very bad if I caught COVID-19, honestly. My immune system is trash. I'm basically always sick. I'm not exaggeratting. No matter the time of year, I have symptoms of the flu for days at a time. For a day or two, it'll go away and I'll feel fine, but the next day it comes back and I'm sick again. I don't know what it is, but I don't care much since the symptoms are usually not too severe. At least not when you're dealing with them constantly and are already used to physically feeling like trash because of that and other things like chronic pain. Some times it gets very bad, though. Some times my vision randomly goes white and I collapse and almost faint. Some times I have breathing problems (not panic attacks). I think it's related to being very underweight and my past severe drug addictions.
I'm actually sick as I write this. No, it's not COVID-19. Just the normal sickness.
But I'm not worried because, as I've mentioned a lot, I never go outside. The rare times I do, I avoid people as best as I can. So there's pretty much a 0.1% chance I'll catch it. If I do, though, I believe I'll need to be hospitalized.
4:16 a.m.: I just... love arthropods... so much. My favourites are millipedes, hissing Madagascar cockroaches, and tarantulas. But oh man, they're all so cool!!! I LOVE THEM ALL! Except lady beetles. Screw lady beetles. One was hiding in my straw one time, and when I went to take a sip, he went in my mouth. Now, I'm an idiot, so feeling something hard in my water, I decide to press it between the roof of my mouth and my tongue. And dear Lord... You know what they smell like? THEY TASTE EXACTLY LIKE THAT. I spat him out and he was still alive, casually crawling over my sketchbook. Ever since, I've had a passionate hatred of lady beetles.
If I had to pick just one favourite, though, it'd definitely be millipedes. Gosh... My heart is full of love for them!!! I need a pet millipede so badly. I'm 99.9% positive that having a pet millipede will cure my depression. I love them that much.
Just watch this... Losing my mind. Losing my mind!!! TOO CUTE!!
4:11 a.m.: I couldn't see him close enough for long enough to confidently ID him, but I think he's a domestic house spider. Which is cool! They're not dangerous.
One thing I like doing is befriending random spiders I find. A while ago I had a cellar spider friend! I fed him dermestid larvae :-) It's very cool to watch them eat! Cellar spiders wrap their prey alive, so the larvae was struggling as he wrapped him up. Oh, and the dermestid larvae I got from my sister. I think the beetles are cool, but I don't keep them. She has them because she has crickets for her reptiles. The larvae eats up the dead crickets that the reptiles won't eat.
4:00 a.m.: I can't get a better picture right now, but I just found a new friend!!!!
I LOVE HIM!! SO MUCH!!! He was right beside me on the curtain. I don't know where he is now, though. Looked away after taking the picture and he disappeared. I'm sure I'll see him again soon, though! I need to think of a name. Hm...
3:03 a.m.: I used to have bright red hair. I really liked it. My favourite was back when one half of my head was bright red and the other was black. It looked lovely. If I were to ever start dyeing my hair different colours again, it'd probably be that half-red half-black style. But I'm devoted to normal black hair now, and I don't plan on ever changing it again.
I really need a haircut. I hate how long my hair has grown. But I'm going to have to wait until all this COVID-19 stuff blows over, sadly. So unbearbly long hair it is. Sigh.
11:20 p.m.: J.J. McCullough is streaming! Yay! I love his videos.
This video is so cute!! Half-Asleep Chris is such a lovable guy, and toy photography is really cool. My personal collection and interest in toys is limited to antique/vintage toys (as well as horror and Pokemon toys), but I still love toy photography! I could spend hours on Flickr browsing through everyone's creative photos of toys.
This is completely unneccessary, but I'd also just like to remind: we have dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are still alive! In fact, there's billions of them! And those dinosaurs are birds. Birds aren't descendants, they themselves ARE dinosaurs! Isn't that awesome!? Next time you're outdoors (or right now, preferably just stay inside and look out your window) and you see a cute little bird, remember how incredible it is that they are the last surviving dinosaurs. And they also help the planet a bunch! That's wicked. Shoutout to birds.
9:56 p.m.: I don't understand the massive dislike of video essays on YouTube. Like, I understand people have different interests, but... can't wrap my head around it! It's the best type of content uploaded to that website! No need for an overly-expressive voice, bombardment of animated graphics, constant jumpcuts, or other things like that. Just read your "boring" essay! That's what I like!!
But also this is the teenage boy that reads pirated college textbooks purely for fun, so I guess I shouldn't expect most people to share my definition of "enjoyable".
It's ironic that I hate school and have always done terrible with it, but learning is one of my favourite hobbies. I guess a big reason why is that schools don't teach the topics I'm interested in. And when they do, it doesn't really matter because the system and method of teaching is always crap. Or their "non-biased" teaching is so flawed, outdated, inaccurate, unsuitable for specials needs students (and also nearly every student ever, to be honest)... it just sucks. The internet truly is the best place to learn a lot of things (as long as you know what you're doing). I'm not saying screw school, but... Screw how the education system currently is in my country. Blegh.
7:48 p.m.: I'M LOSING IT! THERE'S A NEW TAMABLE MOB!!! AND IT'S A NETHER MOB TOO!!!!!!!!!!! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!! I'm not a Minecraft player that likes to build. I'm not a redstone wizard. Nor am I into PvP. What I like to do in Minecraft is hoard pets (and to a lesser extent, farm crops). So!!! A new mob I can have as a pet!!?!?!? IN MY FAVOURITE PART OF MINECRAFT, THE NETHER!? It's perfect! The mob is so cute too!
7:33 p.m.: I got sad and started crying out of nowhere. I want a big brother. I have Mimikyu, at least. He's my best friend. My other friends are my bunny and Vasile (Vasile is my antique pocket watch). They're not humans, but they're still friends.
But I want a human friend sometimes. Well, just a big brother. That's all.
6:02 p.m.: I didn't close my computer before I accidentally fell asleep, so YouTube wasn't refreshed. Woke up, saw the full album of Spirituality and Distortion was out. Confused since it wasn't the 27th but figured they released it early for some reason, so I excitedly clicked it. It said it was taken down by the label, though, so now I know it was a leak. I'm glad it was taken down because I want to wait for the official release. Would've sucked if I clicked it some hours earlier and had the experience ruined.
Also, yes, I know that leaks are often done by the label to generate hype. But I'm still not a fan of leaks. I want to wait until the official release, always.
3:37 a.m.: Ah, I'm tired now. My body wants to sleep, but I feel guilty. I don't deserve to sleep. It's the same feeling I get when I eat. The overwhelming guilt and sadness. Because I don't deserve to eat or sleep or drink water. I hate myself so much.
I feel embarrassed because I want to cuddle someone. I've actually never cuddled anyone before, not even Mother. Nowadays, I don't want to be close to anyone anymore. I don't deserve friends or a boyfriend because I'm a bad person. I'm clingy and obsessive. Kind of nearing a stalker. I don't like it when people I like talk to or pay attention to anyone but me. I want to be someone's first priority. I want someone to love me and take care of me. So I throw temper tantrums. I treat people terribly. I make them feel guilty for being normal humans. And that's why I no longer let myself talk to anyone. I can't control being a bad person when I start getting close to someone. I just want their undivided attention, and I'll do bad stuff just to get it. It's more for others' sake than my own, although I usually default to saying I don't trust people as the reason why. But the truth is I actually trust very easily. I get obsessed very easily. I just hurt others with my extreme clinginess and dependency.
So it's embarrassing I still want love deep down. I don't want to be like that. I want to erase feelings like that. I want to never want love. I want to never want friends. I wish I was emotionless.
I miss my ex.
I don't deserve anything but the overwhelming pain I feel every day. I'm just getting what I deserve.
2:41 a.m.: Nothing like a nice cup of Earl Grey at 2 in the morning! With gauze on your face because you're an idiot and decided mutilating your face was a fun thing to do while waiting for your tea to be ready. But I'm off to play Minecraft now. I've got a cemetery to build!
2:10 a.m.: 3 days without sleep. Not tired. I have some things I want to share!
This is a journal I have... made entirely of BANANAS! It's gorgeous. Smells strange but nice as well. I haven't written anything in it because I can't think of anything worthy of being written in there. I don't want to ruin it with silly writings. The cover is made of banana leaves, and the pages are banana paper.
Some spooky friends! Aren't they beautiful? It's handmade! You don't see it in the pictures, but they're in a tiny cabinet that you can open and close.
And this is my bunny! She loves having her ears rubbed.
12:58 a.m.: Writing again about those heroes because I just... can't get them off my mind. They're so hilariously bad. Now, I'm not the type that goes around screaming about "forced diversity". People exist. People are naturally diverse. But these characters truly are the definition of forced diversity. I have some controversial opinions (in the LGBT community only... non-LGBT people tend to all agree with my opinion on it) towards non-binary people/MOGAI, but still. The character's religious beliefs (non-binary) defines their entire identity. They highlight it. I mean, hell, that's how they literally introduced them! I wouldn't think of it as "forced diversity" even with my opinion on MOGAI if they didn't shove it in your face. It just proves they're doing it to pander. But it didn't work because not even that community enjoys it. Nobody does. I think everyone can agree no matter their opinion on the subject that it's offensive and idiotic. If you want to make a non-binary character, alright, go ahead. That's fine. I don't see any inherent problem with that. But dear God, please actually make them a character with depth. Don't just slap some label on them to try to pander to a niche audience and leave it at that. I think there's a big problem when a brain-damaged teenager (that is me) can understand how to form a better character than the grown adult that created these OFFICIAL MARVEL CHARACTERS.
Also still can't get over the name. It's like if they named the first gay male superhero "Faggot". (Although "faggot" is a lot more offensive than "snowflake", you get what I mean.) How did they think that was a good idea. I feel like he made all these characters for shits and giggles. It's just too surreal.
12:25 a.m.: HOLY CRAP! WOW. I just learnt of those new Marvel heroes and I haven't laughed this hard in FOREVER. I can't believe they're real??? SNOWFLAKE AND SAFESPACE?!?! IT SOUNDS LIKE A TROLL I CAN'T TAKE IT! I just... It won't sink in that this isn't some joke. It's both hilarious and offensive. Offensive to literally EVERYONE no matter their opinion on this kind of stuff. What a strange world we're living in.
12:12 a.m: The dreaded "Autism Awareness Month" is coming up. I am not looking forward to having to restrain myself from punching everyone that spouts autistic genocide nonsense and supports Autism Speaks. The only people that need a cure are allistics for thinking killing all autistics is OK. I swear, allistics are more stereotypically "retarded" than "actual retards" like me.
I literally have not met a single allistic, besides my ex, who isn't a terrible person. I hate to make blanket statements and generalize, but I honestly have a big problem not doing that when it comes to allistics because of how abusive they are. They literally have massive organizations that are socially acceptable dedicated to KILLING US AND WIPING OUT ALL FUTURE AUTISTICS. It's hard to not generalize, honestly. But I'll admit there are some that are decent people.
But most aren't. I'm just so sick of having to deal with how cruel they often are.
10:10 p.m.: I'm scared and angry. I hate myself. I've never not hated myself. I know I will never like myself.
I feel so terrible tonight. I'm sobbing. I want to get drunk, but there's no alcohol left... I want to cut, but they took my blades away from me... I don't know how to cope. With no way to cope, I just want to go impulsively overdose. I won't, but I want to so badly.
Why do I cry? It doesn't help. I don't feel any better by crying, but I can't stop it. I've always cried easily. I'm a crybaby. If anything, crying makes it worse. Because I sob violently, for hours on end. And I'll cry so much I get dehydrated and my body hurts. But then when I finally think I've cried all the water out of my body, I'm crying again. And it just continues forever, it feels like.
I'm dead, right? So why am I still here!? It makes no sense. I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist. I want to go home to nothingness. I don't want to think. I want it to be how it was before my birth.
I don't know why I'm bothering to write any of this. I don't know if it's helping. I don't know if it's making it worse. I don't know if it's doing anything at all. I know these feelings and thoughts well. What's different about this? I'm typing it down on a website instead of keeping them inside my rotting brain. But what difference does that make? Still the same. Still the same... But I'll do it anyway. And I don't know why! I do things without knowing why! That's incredibly frustrating.
I'm so sorry. I feel guilty. I'm not a good person. My poor bunny, I can't abandon her. She needs me. But I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm so sick of being sad and terrified all the time. I'll try to hang on. I wish I died earlier. I kind of feel like I'm immortal. I should be dead by now. I have no idea how I survived this long. I've cut arteries. I've overdosed countless times. I've had organ failure and went into a coma. And yet I'm still here! Some might say that's some positive sign, but to me, it just reinforces my belief that the universe is trying to torture me. I'm just a punching bag for God! Let me die, God! I'm already dead, but I want to die. That's idiotic.
I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I always say that. I'm constantly repeating it. I don't know why. It doesn't do anything. I'm clueless about everything. I WANT TO GET SHOT. OR GET HIGH. BOTH PREFERABLY. I wrote a whole paragraph about how to properly shoot yourself, but then I realized that sounds like I'm giving instructions to others when really I'm just talking to myself, so I deleted it all. I love talking about thanatology. I know so much about it. It gives me great joy. Going off on that deleted thanatology infodump cheered me up a bit.
So I'm going to go try to distract myself before I get really sad and start crying again.
7:59 p.m.: Ugh, I want to vomit. I make poor decisions. Too many stims.
I'm excruciatingly bored. I should read. I haven't read yet despite saying I was going to get back into it yesterday. But I don't want to right now. I don't know what I want to do. I kind of want to pull pranks... Hm.
5:50 p.m.: Ahah, it's amusing! Fast food chains are considered "essential businesses" and will stay open. So is our version of what I believe in America is the "Dollar Tree" (? I don't know much about America, honestly...). That one makes more sense to me, though. Our area is poor and dying. Oh, it's the weirdest, littlest things that make me like humans a bit. They can be very entertaining.
I don't count because I'm dead, by the way. I don't use "they" because I think I'm better. I'm just dead! Dead, dead, dead! I'm a ghost of some sort. Not really a human, for better or for worse. Okay, definitely for worse, I'd say. I hate myself just as much as I hate humans. Except for I actually hate myself more, because there are some lovely humans out there.
Oh, and I don't live in a town. I live in the middle of nowhere. The country! Surrounded by woods. My closest neighbours are fellow dead people. I'm not joking. The cemetery is right beside my house, less than a minute's walk! I actually love that because cemeteries are my favourite place on earth. There are a few living people around the area, but not many. And I rarely see them. They're all depressed, though. Meth labs. A couple years back a lady jumped off the bridge beside my house. My old middle school was abandoned, then mysteriously bought out, and last year they raided it and found a gigantic illegal grow op (weed is legal, but not what he was doing). Funniest thing? The man who ran it was my sister's boyfriend's cousin! Haha! What a hero. A dumb one, though. The only reason he got caught was because he decided tearing giant holes in the driveways so nobody could get in wasn't suspicious. Idiot. Oh, and the nursing home caught on fire and an old lady died. One of my neighbours is a convicted pedophile sex offender. TLDR: The few people that are here are absolute trash.
Wow, I got really off-track. I brought that up because when I refer to "my/the town", I'm referring to the closest town to me which is an hour away.
Oh, and earlier this morning, I was looking at reviews of my old schools (or schools that were in the areas I used to live). It was a blast! These two are my favourites.
4:32 p.m.: I can't believe it's this late already. I'm not tired at all. But I'm going to drink my second Monster today anyway because I'll die without drinking one every few hours. It just gives me the will to live.
I finally started my art page.
11:24 a.m.: Why do they never make sweets for me!? This is torture!!! I need my fresh homemade sweets!!! And they do make them, BUT NEVER FOR ME!!! Oh, I wish I was at Mère et Père's... It'd be lovely. Lots of yummy homemade sweets that only grandmothers can bake, and an endless amount of alcohol (they have a bar in their basement which is where I sleep when I stay)! I was planning on asking to visit them and stay there until Mother gets back, but then the government got really strict, so I can't. Sad. Instead I have to live through this hell! Smelling amazing, freshly-baked sweets and not being allowed to eat any. I guess I'll just cope with my tea and veggies.
It's honestly incredible to me that I'm very underweight despite living off sweets/junk food and Monsters. Probably my furious nicotine addiction, when I think about it. Oh, and Monsters too, I suppose. Both kill your appetite. But that doesn't make much sense when it comes back to my obsession with confections... Hm.
11:14 a.m.: I'm worried for homeless people during this pandemic. Society already treats them terribly, and it's bound to get worse with COVID-19. I've already seen a ton of people saying they hope it kills them all. I hate humans.
2:18 a.m.: I'd just like to mention that even though international news and the world are focused on COVID-19, Hong Kong is still fighting. Please continue to pay attention and support Hong Kong. Five demands, not one less. Only one has been met.
1:50 a.m.: I want to smoke so badly. But I can't right now, so vaping it is.
Vaping is truly more practical in every way. Endless choices for flavours. Nic salts or THC. Doesn't smell as much. Although the last one is both bad and good for me... I love the smell (and the clinginess) of both tobacco and weed, so it's bad, but also useful when you're around others.
But I still prefer smoking. Why? Because I love knowing I'm destroying my body. I hate myself and I love to hurt myself. Vaping doesn't feel self-destructive at all. I only have a vape because they bought it for me to try and get me to stop smoking. And I said yes, because why not? Now, obviously it didn't get me to stop like they wanted, but I've cut down. Only because I'm being watched 24/7 and I know I'd get in major trouble if they know I don't care to stop smoking. So I vape more than I smoke now. And it SUCKS. I can't wait until they leave me alone.
1:34 a.m.: Tried to eat something. Regret it. Want to vomit. Really want to vomit. I can't even begin to describe how sick I feel. It's bad!
You know, I think if the nurses didn't make fun of me, I'd actually like the psychiatric ward.
That reminds me, Mother is trying to get me put in a group home. Yes, it's gotten to that point. It's going to be a waste of money if it happens.
I just hope they'd actually let me use electronics/the internet, but probably not. In the pyschiatric ward at the hospital, they're not allowed. They say it worsens mental health in times of crisis. I can see where they're coming from, but that's only true for when you have visitors or are friendly with the staff and other patients... I never had any visitors except for Mother for an hour every few days. The staff made fun of me and the other patients thought I was weird. Isn't that pathetic? It seems no matter where I am, I'm always the most "fucked up" to the point I'm made fun of by others that should be understanding. At a school for special needs students... at the psychiatric ward... It hurts.
Anyway, it's so strange to see everyone complaining about social distancing. I don't know. COVID-19 doesn't affect me at all. Life is exactly the same as it always is for me, except I see a bunch of people online complaining about social distancing. I haven't been outside my house in 2 months... not even to go in the yard. I'm probably the champion of social distancing, haha.
12:35 a.m.: I customized tooltips, but I can't figure out how to stop the default one from showing alongside it. Whatever, though. I'm probably never going to use them outside of the graphics page.
Speaking of, I need to get around to giving all my images alt text.
11:59 p.m.: As soon as someone unironically uses the term "cult", I know their opinion is not worthwhile. Number one rule of religious studies and discussions: Don't use the term "cult". It's not a neutral academic term. It literally just means any religion you don't like. It's obviously normal and healthy to have opinions and criticisms of religions, but that doesn't mean you have a pass at calling them a cult. It's immature and shows you aren't educated in the slightest about religion, therefore your opinion holds no weight.
If you're trying to describe a recently-formed religion, use new religious movement. If you want to describe a violent or strict sect, then... just call it violent or strict. Don't use a term that has no meaning other than to be offensive.
This all being said, there are rare times "cult" is fine/accurate to use, but that's in a historical sense.
Seriously, it infuriates me so much. If you don't know anything about religious studies, don't act like you do. Especially when it comes to the use of "cult" because it's genuinely harmful.
11:14 p.m.: The reading journal is now set up. Time to play Minecraft.
10:06 p.m.: I want to get back to reading books. So, I'm going to make a reading log/journal... I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I'll just play around, I suppose.
6:18 p.m. I've got more time to kill / Unless it kills me first
It's hard to breathe sometimes / I don't have the guidance / To find the way to sunshine
I should post it to the music page. I will, later.
I realized I'm truly nocturnal. I'm awake all night, and if I manage to sleep, it's always the whole day. Usually I stay up 1-2 days at a time before falling asleep a whole day, though. I don't think I've slept "properly" since I was 12. I have permanent dark circles. I actually find they get worse the more I sleep? No idea why.
I'm still thinking about having a big brother. It'd make me happy. If I had a big brother, there'd actually be someone in this world I can trust and enjoy being with. Instead, I have an abusive older sister. She'd physically hurt me and tell me she hopes I die growing up. I got a break from her when she become an adult, but now that Mother's gone and her and her boyfriend are watching me, I have to deal with her again. Thankfully she isn't as mean to me anymore, but I still hate her and I will never forgive her for all the damage she caused me.
Big brothers are different. Men are kind. Not to be a misogynist, but women tend to be cruel. I know there's some good women out there, but it's not common. At least not where I live. And I admittedly have a deep-seated fear of women since all my abusers were women. I don't let it make me treat them any differently than I would another human being, but inside I am pretty cautious of them, and I don't think that'll ever change.
6:58 a.m.: I want a big brother. I want a big brother that will take care of me and we can spend all our time together. That'd be nice.
6:51 a.m.: I don't want to be crazy. It's miserable.
Everyone always says you aren’t your mental illness, but that’s not possible with schizophrenia. It affects my perception of everything. How am I supposed to know who I am? If I am an individual apart from schizophrenia, are my beliefs my own? Are my memories my own? Or are they from being schizophrenic? How could you tell? Am I allowed to have a religion, any spiritual belief, and have it be just as valid and important to my identity as anyone else’s, or is it automatically just dangerous insanity? Are all the traumatic experiences I went through real or is my brain so ill that it makes up frightening memories? It’s impossible to separate.
The perception I have of myself is fragile. People tell me that I’ve done things that I wouldn’t think of doing, or just things that I’m unable to remember. My first thought is that they’re mistaken or lying. But what if they’re not? How can I be sure? Maybe if it was just a small incident every now and then, but it’s not. So many people have accused me of acting like a person I know I’m not. But again, how do I know for sure? But also how do I know for sure that they’re not lying and taking advantage of me? I can’t. I know I can’t, but I ask myself those questions anyway.
It’s terrifying. I can’t trust anyone, not even my own brain.
I'd prefer it if I didn’t find out I was schizophrenic. I wish I could erase my diagnosis and all memories of people accusing me of being crazy. Then I could continue without all the distrust of my surroundings.
I am not “a person with schizophrenia”, I am schizophrenic. It’s ugly, but that’s how it is.
2:25 a.m.: I want to die.
I'm terribly selfish. No, I'm not selfish, I'm just autistic. I can't handle some things. But it makes her happy. I want to take away what makes her happy because I'm selfish. Does she think about me, ever? About how things affect me? Is SHE selfish, or am I?
No one cares about me. I don't even care about myself! I'm not worth the energy of being loved or hated. I'm not even a real person. I'm dead.
I'm dead, so why am I here? He won't answer me. I feel like screaming. I can't scream because they're asleep. But if I'm dead, why does it matter? Isn't this all fake? I have no idea. All I know is that I'm dead, and nothing else. It's scary how little I know.
I've always felt these beings watching me. They used to scare me. Then I learnt to love them. I still don't know much about them. There's this thing... I don't know what he is. He told me he was a soul that somehow never lived. But he was my soulmate, so he stuck by me. And he told me to do horrid things. I almost did. I almost committed mass murder like he told me to. But I didn't, and then he went away. I realized he was just a hallucination/delusion, a sign of early schizophrenia. I was only diagnosed when I was 16 (he was around at 13-14), so I only realized it recently. Also, I named him Soil because he sometimes comes back. But anyway, I bring that up because I thought for a while he was the prescence I've always felt. He wasn't, though, I know that now. I still don't know what exactly these beings are.
I want to know. I should get back to my practices.
2:10 a.m.: NO! NO! No, no, no!!! What is she thinking!? MY LIFE IS GOING TO GET SO MUCH WORSE. I hate her. I hate her so damn much. I want her to die. I'm trapped. Oh Lord, help me. I don't want to be here, but I'm trapped. Oh Lord...
1:00 a.m.: Changing things up a bit. I want it to be more readable.
11:33 p.m.: I'm trying to change the background, but my .css file isn't saving for some reason.
8:45 p.m.: I'm a proponent of public transit, but COVID-19 highlights the cons of it.Also, I'm way too hot. Overheated. I hate it. I prefer being cold. I'm very sensitive to heat, but I need to have a blanket on my shoulders all the time. I need the pressure blankets give me to stay calm and comfortable. But when I'm hot, I can't do that!!! So that's why I like being cold. I can pile as many blankets as I'd like on myself and not be hot.
6:31 p.m.: Geeks are so endearing. All my boyfriends were geeks. Violent geeks, to be specific. That's my type. I don't date anyone that doesn't show every red flag possible within the first day of meeting them. My last was the best relationship I've ever had, but I hate what he did. He literally left me to die. Overdosing on the floor. And I tried calling him over and over in the hospital to make sure HE was okay. I was trapped in the hospital and almost died, and yet I cared more about his well-being than my own. But he never answered and he just left me. I hate him.
Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. I've completely stopped having relationships or friends. I keep to myself now, and I think I've actually been doing a lot better since. You never really realize how terrible and draining humans are until you completely isolate yourself. I don't even have online friends anymore. The most I'll do is sometimes post in a Discord server of a YouTube channel I watch, but that's it.
I took this test a year ago. Still the same WPM. I'm a bit surprised I haven't gotten faster, but whatever. 100 WPM with three capitilization errors isn't bad.
1:52 a.m.: So, this website used to be different. It was a diary for a little while. But then I got annoyed with it and abandoned it for a private Tumblr blog diary. Then I came back to my Neocities (also, I don't know if it'd be called a Neocity or a Neocities... hm) and completely started over. There's an entry on my blog diary that I want to share here since I'm going to delete the blog and I think this one is worth keeping. It's from January 12th, 2020.
This is the top comment on ReligionForBreakfast’s video about American civil religion. I love this comment! It’s food for thought, for sure. It actually got me curious as to what “the CK2 mod After the End” is. I looked it up, and it’s a mod for a game. I checked out the mod’s subreddit (a fan-made continuation). It seems to be full of interesting lore! I kind of want to play it now.
So, I watched another video of ReligionForBreakfast’s (I’m binge-watching all the videos of his I haven’t already seen tonight). It really got me thinking! It was the one on animal sacrifice legality.
I entered it biased. Animal sacrifice? Completely unjustifiable. You’d think that someone with a religion commonly stereotyped to be full of animal sacrifice wouldn’t be so biased about it, but… I guess that’s a big reason why I was! Because to me, it was horrid, and I hated people thinking I participated in that. The other stereotypes that come bundled along with it (like rape and senseless murder) didn’t help that.
At the beginning of the video, I became aware of my bias. So, to try and combat it, I asked myself what makes animal sacrifice any different from the meat industry. “Both are cruel,” I decided. “I don’t like either of them.” I still was totally against the idea of animal sacrifice being legal, but the meat industry? “Well, I don’t agree with it and I think a lot needs to be changed, but killing animals for food shouldn’t be illegal.”
I caught another example of my bias again! Why is killing animals for food okay, but not for religious purposes? Most people do not need to eat meat to survive, and surely not so much it requires factory farming. Both killing animals for meat and religious reasons are not necessary (again, outside of those with physical conditions who need to). Why is one okay for me while the other is not? And my mind thought about: animal cruelty. “You can have ethical farms, but animal sacrifice is not ethic–”
Oh. He brought up how they humanely killed the animals. Why didn’t I ever think of that? With that in mind, isn’t it actually… better than most of the meat industry? Where in life, animals are made to suffer? I know they use humane killing methods, but that doesn’t erase the terrible life. Small farms tend to care for their livestock in a more ethical way than factories. I imagine people who participate in animal sacrifice are the same. So… Bam. Then I agreed, animal sacrifice should be legal when performed humanely.
I still feel a bit icky towards animal sacrifice performed ethically if the remains aren’t utilized (whether it be eating the meat, making art, or something else), but not to the point I’d bother anyone for it. I think it’s wasteful, but it’s not cruel, you know?
It feels good to think.
1:35 a.m.: I don't trust people who scream about being LGBT constantly, like that's how they introduce themselves and stuff like that. That's one of the biggest problems I have with the LGBT community nowadays... It's no longer about wanting to be treated like a normal human being. It's all dehumanizing now. Glorification/fetishizing is just as much dehumanizing as demonization. It infuriates me. I want to be seen as a normal person with normal love. We were getting somewhere, but now we're going backwards. It's not progressive in the slightest. It's the same bigotry but with a different wrapping (that has PC buzzwords all-over). It furthers my belief that people rarely think for themselves and if they were living in 1930s Germany, they'd all be Nazis. They just go with whatever's popular/acceptable instead of critically thinking and coming to their own conclusions.
12:24 a.m.: The hoodie I'm wearing, that's in that picture, is one of my favourites. I have a fondness for black-and-white striped clothes. I have a lot with that pattern!! The hoodie is actually a cropped one, but it's not on me. It's hard to find clothes intended to be gothic that fit me since I'm very small and skinny. It doesn't bother me much when it comes to tops because I find oversized tops comfy and prefer them, but don't get me started on pants/shorts... That's where I hate it! I can't wear any of those cool pants because they're made for men much bigger than me. No one makes nice clothing for midgets like me :'-( Even my suspenders are oversized. I think I can make them fit better using the strap thingies, but I don't know how to use things like that. I've never been able to wrap my head around it.
I decided to make that Minecraft page! I think it'll be fun. I'm not too sure how to start it off, though. Maybe my current base? It's a giant tree stump with a greenhouse on top, but I'm still working on it. I have a habit of not finishing my base because I find another location I want to make a base at, which is the case right now... except this time, I'm going to force myself to finish the tree stump base. Then I can move and make my hobbit hole in the plains.
11:36 p.m.: I have a recent selfie without my face censored.
I'm going to go share some music and then play Minecraft.
6:21 p.m.: I've stopped swearing for the most part. Not because I think swearing is bad, I just don't feel it's like me. I never really cursed much except online for some reason. I guess it's because it's more common? To fit in? I don't know. Either way, I rarely curse now. I use "frick" and "heck" instead because I act like a 10-year-old. One of my favourites is, "Son of a biscuit"... It's very much like me. I don't use it to mean "biscuit eater", though. For me, the words are meaningless.
Oh, I forgot to do my injection yesterday! I'm dumb. I'll have to do that now.
5:52 p.m.: I don't pay much attention to American politics, but, uh... America's president is a quack.
I think my government is immature, but Trump is on another level. Stay safe and don't get your medical advice from him.
3:15 a.m.: I feel so empty. I hate it, but at the same time, I don't because I'm empty. My hatred is distant, but I want to feel something, so I'm trying to focus on it and bring it out.
Sinking slowly watch me wither, caught up in a lie / I'll be suffering from everything until the day I die / Hope they're happy when they see me on the screen / Oh God, I'm wasted
The album is good.
11:13 p.m.: The only thing that's actually cringy is adults spending so much time making fun of harmless phases every preteen goes through. And it's also super creepy. It's a form of emotional abuse and I hate how this type of content is socially acceptable.
9:22 p.m.: I want to be a Short King, but instead I am a tiny stableboy.
8:18 p.m.: Guess who just bought $60 worth of music from Virgin Babylon Records? Me. I did. I am serious about my love for this label, and I will support them until I die.
6:49 p.m.: Bandcamp is giving all profit from sales directly to the artists for today only. It's especially important because COVID-19 has caused lots of shows/tours to be cancelled, and that is the primary source of revenue for musicial artists. So now is a great time to go support your favourite artists!
2:42 p.m.: I want to make a page for my new 2020 Minecraft world. I've been playing Minecraft since 2012, but I never actually beat survival Minecraft because I have a habit of deleting my worlds constantly. This world I plan to keep forever and ever. So far, it's going pretty good, if I do say so myself! I think it'd be neat to just log everything I'm doing in my world on here.
I actually took a long, long break from Minecraft. I only recently got back to playing it, and oh my, so much has changed! I'm still not caught up with everything yet. But it's fun to learn it all!
12:51 p.m.: Oh, I'm happy! So, they sent me a picture of some wild flowers in the country, asking me what it is. I didn't know. But oh my, it was gorgeous! A pastel purple with a pale yellow centre. And it was a vine. Now, let me tell you, there's few things I love more than the colour purple and vines!! So I had to find out what it was. It's apparently called the Bengal clockvine. It's my new favourite flower/plant. I need to plant some if I ever get the opportunity.
I think I'll post that picture I shared a few entries ago in /index to give this website a more personal/human feel. Even though half my face is scribbled out, I think it still serves its purpose.
11:42 a.m.: I changed the layout. Well, still am. I have to finish the other pages. I plan on editing them more later, but right now I just want to get the new basic layout done.
11:23 p.m.: I've seen some people use drop-down lists/tabs, and I think that's a good idea. It saves space. I think it'd work good for listing my interests because I have a lot. I might do that. I don't know.
I'm also a bit undecided on what I want the design/aesthetic to be. I've been thinking... maybe I can make a thing to toggle different aesthetics for my site? I think that'd be cool, but also it sounds hard, and I know nothing about coding. I could try.
10:10 p.m.: The layout of my site is really bad for what I'm doing with it. Meaning, it's not good for lots and lots of text. I could just make it wider, but I already want to change it entirely. I don't know. We'll see.
8:56 p.m.: He's here! He's here!!! He hasn't visited me in ages! He hasn't spoken to me yet, but I can tell he's here. There's this thing that happens when he visits. It's hard to explain. There's spiderwebs wrapped around you and you have no control for a moment, but it's peaceful. You can tell it's a higher power.
7:52 p.m: I'm not American, but the EARN IT act is infuriating. They're disgustingly clever too, trying to sneak it through while the news and public are focused on COVID-19. The American government is turning authoritarian. They can claim it's "for the children" as many times as they'd like, but the fact remains they know it won't do anything to stop it, and it's just an excuse to take the first steps into becoming the next CCP. I don't want to see another country in this world turn into something from 1984. It should concern everyone who cares about human rights and freedom, no matter where they're from.
Mutahar made a video on it last night, so I hope that'll bring a lot of attention to it. If you're American and don't know what it is, please go learn about it. It's highly important.
7:11 p.m.: I still haven't slept. I'm not tired. I have a lot on my mind I want to write down here, but I don't know what to write. Because there's nothing on my mind. Just notes. No, there's something, that's not what I meant. I don't know how to transcribe.
I said the other night I started my medications again, yes? I haven't taken them since... I forget to ask for them. See, that is the problem with what they're doing! Since my last overdose, I have to go and ask for my medications. Strictly monitored and locked away. But I forget about them... I only remember when they are in my sight or after a nasty hallucination/delusion. And when I do remember, it's usually when they're asleep or gone. Then I forget to ask when they're awake or come back. Ugh.
Now I'm thinking of that last overdose/hospitalization. Oh Lord, it was terrible. I can't believe what he did to me. I don't want to think about it. I'm going to cry. Another topic, another topic, then.
I hope Mère et Père are alright. (Those are my grandparents. Mère and père mean mother and father, but that is what we refer to them instead of Grand-mère/Grand-père because it's shorter. I tend to use "et" in English writing because I view it as a title in writing, Mère et Père.)
A song that reminds me of him came on. I want to cry again. I don't want to be sad tonight. I ran out of alcohol. I drank it all. So that is not a coping mechanism if I fall suicidal again tonight. I should be careful.
But back to Mère et Père! COVID-19 is in their city now. They'll probably be fine. They're smart. Oh, and COVID-19 is also why Mother is not home. She was supposed to return home the other day, but she can't because of the airports. She's in another country. I'm left in the care of my older sister and her boyfriend. I hate them both. I want Mother back.
6:55 p.m.: Am I supposed to follow people on here? I didn't even know that was a thing until now. Strange. I don't think I'll follow anyone, though. Unless they ask. Considering most Neocities feel very personal, I think it'd be awkward for me to follow anyone unless they asked me to. I'm not good with the "social" part of social media, no, no, not at all!
5:53 p.m.: This image is from a while ago. I'm bored, so I want to share random photos, I guess? Anyway, this is my vintage Cheer Bear backpack and a treat I just discovered at the time called "Koala's March". They're a lot like Yan Yans, but instead of dipping sticks into the cream, the cream is inside these cute little koala biscuits. I still prefer Yan Yans, but Koala's March are cute and yummy!
Mimikyu!!! He killed Pikachu :o Mimikyu is beside me right now. He says hello to anyone who might be reading this, and reminds you to go wash your hands. He is very sweet despite his dislike of Pikachu.
And this is Mimikyu and I. Face is partly censored, but I still think it reminds anyone reading that I am an actual person and not just words on a screen. I always find it interesting when people do that, so why don't I? You're not missing out on anything anyway. I have my septum pierced. That's the only thing, really.
Speaking of piercings, I'm getting my snake bites done soon!! I'm very excited. I plan on having their jewelry be black spikes. That's what I want the main "theme" of all my facial piercings to be (and I plan on getting my whole face pierced). Black spikes/studs. My septum is a black spiked horseshoe. Simple but my favourite.
Not surprised. Schizophrenia and autism causes that.
A lot of people think of me as "low-functioning" even though I don't have an intellectual disability because of how... well, terrible I am at being "normal". I can't act "normal" no matter what. As shown by my score, I can't function at all when it comes to social interaction. Because of that, no one takes the time to get to know me (I don't blame them for that!), so people often think I'm intellectually disabled on some level. So, even though I don't have an intellectual disability, I still often refer to myself as a "low-functioning autistic" because it helps people understand me.
I'm trash at verbal speech. I've always preferred writing. It's the only way I can actually communicate my thoughts properly. When I was younger, I was mute, and I used to carry around a little whiteboard that I'd write on to communicate. But since I started talking, it's not acceptable at all to Mother to revert back to that, no matter how much it'd help me. It took many years of therapy and medications to get me to talk. So... I will have to put up with it. Sometimes, when I'm able, or when I'm just too bad, I will write notes instead. But she doesn't know that. Since I'm no longer in school, I don't really have to talk to anyone, thankfully. I didn't have any friends in school (no acquaintances either- only the teachers would occasionally greet me), so it wasn't as bad as it could've been back then.
Speaking of school, I'm not a drop-out. I feel like I am, but not really. I've just been told to finish the last of my work at home because I couldn't function in school. I'm thankful for that, but it also makes me feel quite pathetic because it's a special needs school. A school meant for students like me, who couldn't function in normal schools... and yet I'm so retarded, I couldn't even function there!
I changed schools 3 times in one year (last year, I think it was?) because of that. I kept attempting suicide and was repeatedly hospitalized. That's what got me ushered into the special needs school with a long waiting list. But even in that school, I kept trying to kill myself. So, that's why I'm now at home.
Some people are truly doomed, and I am one of them. Just like my brother.
My mental health is irreparable.
No matter how hard I try to get better, nothing works. Nothing except for drugs. They make me happy in the moment. That's the only thing. I do want to be happy, but it's impossible. And I hate it when people say that's not true, because I know damn well it is. I've been miserable for all 17 years of my life. I've been trying to not be miserable for all 17 years of my life. If things were to ever get better for me, there'd have at least been slight improvement somewhere along the line, but there hasn't been. I always think I'm at the lowest I can get, but then I surprise myself by finding myself even lower than before. At this point, I think I'm below hell.
5:40 a.m.: Joshua and the Promised Land is the best movie I've ever watched. An absolute masterpiece.
Haven't slept. Don't plan on it. I'm wide awake. I've spent the night watching terrible movies (like Joshua and the Promised Land) while playing Minecraft. I feel a lot better than I did earlier!
8:31 p.m.: I love corpses. They're gorgeous. There's no suffering. The misery of life is over. They are at peace. That peace is contagious. When you see one, don't you want to hold it? I do. I want to cuddle a corpse and keep it.
A lot of people would label me a "necrophiliac", but I don't really agree with that. I don't want to have sex with a corpse. The furthest I would go is kiss one. I just find them beautiful and I want to be surrounded by them. Most of the time, it's platonic. Sometimes romantic. I guess you could say... I'm a necromantic. But in all seriousness, I do feel that'd be the best way to describe it. I don't feel ashamed about it because there's no reason to be in my eyes. And everyone already knows. I've been open about it since I was 12. I remember writing in a school assignment how much I loved corpses and want to keep one as a doll. Bathe them, groom them, dress them, sit them down with me to eat, sleep (not the sexual way) with them.
I've given up on my past goal to be a forensic pathologist because I know I'm not going to live long enough. So, sadly, I'll never get to be surrounded by corpses. To cope with that, I plan on saving up the money to buy a human skeleton. It's completely legal, by the way. You can buy them online. But they're incredibly expensive, so it'll take a lot of saving. Honestly, I don't need a whole human skeleton (although it'd be wonderful). Just a skull is fine.
But the skull is the most expensive part
I'm writing a lot here tonight, huh? I'm going to go play Minecraft for a bit, but I'll probably write even more later.
8:24 p.m.: We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow / But now alone I lie and weep beside the tree / Singing “Oh willow waly” by the tree that weeps with me / Singing “Oh willow waly” till my lover return to me / We lay my love and I beneath the weeping willow / A broken heart have I / Oh willow I die, oh willow I die
Lovely song. Lovely movie. It means a lot to me. It's one of the songs I'm humming and singing constantly.
I miss Mother. It's been two months. It'll be longer.
Why do I miss her? I promised myself not to trust her again. She wants to hurt me. She hurt me. I hate her. I don't care about her well-being. I care. I care a lot. I love her. I'd do anything for her. I want her to love me. I want a mother that loves me. I want to be a child. I hate myself and I want to die.
8:15 p.m.: I'm sad. I'll always be this way. Sad and insane and retarded. I want to get drunk and forget how pathetic I am. I want to stay drunk and high forever. Only drugs make the pain go away. I have nothing to be proud of anymore. I lost everything that made life worth living.
But I have my bunny. I need to stay alive for her because no one else can take care of her. Sometimes I'm scared she hates me. I know she loves me. She's the only one who loves me. But still... She could have a much better caretaker than me. Do you think she thinks of me as a failure? I think she does. I think she thinks I should kill myself. No, she doesn't. She's a bunny that appreciates me and is comfortable with me. At least, I hope that's true. I don't like it when animals are sad. It breaks my heart.
I want to die. I miss my brother. I hate myself. Sorry for killing you.
4:15 p.m.: I'm hearing things again. It's scary. I want it to stop. I want it to go away. I hate being crazy. Why can't I be sane?
1:54 p.m.: I finally finished up the "first part" of the music page. I rushed it, but considering the album I want to gush about is only 10 more days away, right now is a perfect time to do that!!
But right now I want to play Minecraft. The snapshots are making me super happy because I've always preferred the Nether over the Overworld, and now the Nether is so much more fantastic!!! I love the new ambience. It's calming. The Nether feels like home!
8:25 p.m.: I understand most people don't like insects (for some reason that I can't understand). But what the heck is with how people act towards insects as pets!? I don't like dogs, but how would you feel if every time I heard you/someone has a dog, I exclaimed, "Ew! Kill it!" People are disgusting.
4:12 p.m.: I want to do more work on this site today. I'll probably start with the Potato Hate Page because I despise potatoes and I need to get that out. Then I'll try to finish the first part of the music page. That's important because I need to gush about an upcoming album, but I want a "first part" where I talk about my favourite music-related things that don't need timestamps.
3:46 a.m.: I am losing it. This man... he's already gorgeous. But with painted nails? WOW. I wish more men painted their nails, honestly. A lot actually want to, but don't because of how strict gender roles are for men.
8:51 p.m.: After two months, I'm finally back on my meds. Today has been full of hallucinations. It made me decide to start taking them again.
Also, I'm reorganizing this. Newest entries will go on top.
4:07 p.m.: "PragerU" sounds like a yogurt brand. I can't explain why. It just does.
2:11 p.m.: Okay, I lied, because that is not all. Nowadays I try not to focus too much on people's behaviours that annoy me, but this is infuriating and harmful. I'm talking about COVID-19. How people are reacting to it. Like with nearly everything, most people pick one extreme stance on it. For COVID-19, those extremes are: "It's going to be the end of humanity" and "It's no different than the common cold". Sadly, I can't say I'm surprised. Scientific understanding, educating yourself/seeking facts/verifying information... those are not as common as it should be. But even though I'm not surprised, I cannot understand how people are like this. It's not hard at all to be sensical about issues like this.
The truth is that if you're healthy, you'll probably be fine if you catch COVID-19. It's not going to wipe out humans and end the world as we know it. But that doesn't mean it's not serious. Because the rate at which it spreads, and how dangerous it is to the minority at risk, is a reason to not brush it off as "just like the common cold". So, even if you're healthy and will probably be alright, you easily put others at risk. And also it's just not fun to be sick, lethal or not. The situation is constantly updating, though, so that's something to keep in mind as well.
I wish the general population understood that. Fear-mongering and acting like it's nothing are equally harmful. If anyone is reading this that believes one of those extremes, I'd like to give some advice... 1. Stop immediately believing whatever anyone tells you. 2. Fact-check everything. Do your own research. 3. If you're reading factual/scientific reports and there's words you don't quite understand, search up what they mean in the context used. Scientific vocabulary uses some words a lot differently than regular usage, and that can lead to misunderstandings. 4. Let go of your instinctual craving for sensationalism and also work on overcoming your negativity bias. 5. Most importantly, stop spreading misinformation.. Don't go around acting like you know everything about COVID-19 because some stranger on the internet said something.
And that goes for what I've said here, too. Go do your own research. I could be wrong (or lying). COVID-19 might have a 99.9% fatality rate. Don't just believe anything, even from people who are telling you to "not just believe anything". You were blessed with a brain and the ability to think critically. Use it. Don't blindly trust.
1:41 p.m.: This man is charming. I enjoy staring at him and listening to his thoughts. That's all.
9:38 a.m.: On the site preview, the images on /index aren't working. To me, though, when I visit my site, the images are fine... So I don't know if they're actually not showing up for everyone else or if it's just a bug.